Like, in case you haven't figured that out yet.
I've been wanting to make that meme for awhile, and I love how low effort and crap it came out. It's how it should be.
But the reason I feel like I need to publicly put this out there is because I'm having a Time™ today. It's the 5 year anniversary of my dad's incredibly-traumatic-for-me death. But I feel like I need to go back a bit further into 2019 to give the whole perspective on things.
I wasn't happy in 2019. Looking back, I've realized that I was in active depression, no matter how much I tried to ignore it. I moved to the city and got obsessed with Marvel, and Chris Evans specifically, and actively denied myself other things that would have actually made me happy. I remember very distinctly, sitting on my couch, on stub hub on my phone, staring at tickets for BTS Love Yourself, Speak Yourself for $40 for that night and closing the tab. I justified it by saying I only knew like 5 of their songs, despite seeing other bands with even less knowledge. That was the show that became pretty legendary to both BTS and ARMY because it was in the rain. I justified it a few days later because my aunt passed away, saying I'm glad I didn't go because I needed to save money to go to the services in Arizona.
The truth was, and I actually told myself this, was that I didn't want to become obsessed with something else. I was too happy in my Marvel fog that I blocked out anything that tried to pierce it. I threw myself into friendships built on jealously and pain who encouraged and enabled me. I was an addict. Out of this, Candyman was born.
I finished that series how many years ago at this point? And a lot of people have begged for a sequel. There is one in my head. It's fully formed and outlined. I could tell it to anyone right now. Death of a Bachelor.
But I’m not writing it.
I really hope you understand why I won’t write it. That time in my life was really dark, incredibly toxic, and I was pushing away everything and everyone I loved in service to what? A community that loved to measure their trauma and enabled an unhealthy addiction, and a fic that wasn’t so much as finished as it was pushed over the line. I wasn’t having fun by the end.
If anyone got this far and you really want to know what happens, shoot me an ask and I’ll tell you. I’m not really secretive about what happens.
But I digress. If I wasn’t having fun, and my relationship was pushed to the breaking point, and I was denying myself other opportunities for happiness, then why would I go back there? I can’t go back there.
Not to mention I don’t really care about Chris Evans anymore, and the lore around Steve Rogers is kinda done. Even if I was willing to write it, the fuel has run out.
This doesn’t mean I’m done writing. Far from it. I’m in a much better place mentally than I was five years ago and my brain is still thinking up stories that are being written down. Just not for the MCU.
I have more thoughts about my mental health and BTS and how they are very much connected but that’s for a different post.
If you found me because of Candyman, thank you for coming along on that ride with me. If you’ve stuck around to read my other works, please know I am truly grateful. If you unfollow me because I won’t be writing Death of a Bachelor, then I’m sorry and I hope you were at least entertained for a bit.
It’s really easy to look back at 2019 and point at this time and say “that’s why I was depressed!” But it wouldn’t be the truth. My dad dying wasn’t the cause. Maybe there wasn’t a cause. But I do know that where I was wasn’t healthy and I can’t go back to that. I won’t.
