I shall let you hug me and I hug you back <3
Coming back here at the top to say: Beware this is fucking huge.
Starting from the end. Do not apologize for "rambling". You're sharing what you feel, and that's the intention, isn't it? I don't think your 'negativity' would make me feel worse, but I see where this comes from 'cause I do the same thing. I would probably not be able to say much or to say something positive, tho lol
And I understand. Sometimes it does feel lonely. Sometimes more than just sometimes too. And having happy moments can't heal us from everything. Sometimes it feels like it can't heal us at all.
About the piling up and throwing everything away. Relatable. It's complicated and there are many factors to take into account. Sometimes we can't postpone things. We have to do it. But when we can, we have to take time to ourselves, even if things pile up.
You're doing the best you can do right now, aren't you?
That might not feel enough for you, but it's enough for now.
And I understand it perfectly. There are lots of times, more than I'd like to have, that 'this too shall pass' doesn't sound like it belongs to me. We feel exhausted and there is just so much we can do to keep going. It's okay to take a break when those times come. It's okay to look for help. It's okay to curl up on your bed. It's okay to have those thoughts, as long as you don't act on them. It's okay not to punish yourself for the things you thought you should have done to not get at this point. It's okay to make mistakes. Nothing of these defines you, and you'll be able to get help in the future. Professional would be the best. But I do remember how you're not able to do it right now.
There are some things we can figure out how to work by ourselves. With a lot of reflection. Taking baby steps. Going easy on us.
You don't feel like you can run right now, so try to kneel down. Or to stand up. Even to give one step. Anything that you can manage to do right now to feel better. Depression is much more than "feeling bad" and I know we need help and sometimes meds to go through it. And as much as the meds help to stabilize us and do WONDERS, they're not the only thing that can help. They're necessary, but while you can't have the other necessary things, you can try and take your time to adapt to something better. Something less bad than you're experiencing now.
It is neverending. And knowing this isn't really... Great? But it's also not always that hard. It can be bearable.
Good Lord I just send you HUGE asks, I'm sorry. It's not even in the end.
The friends think is complicated. I know I have friends I can count on, and I still can't count on them every time. I always worry about what they're going through. If I'm worrying them. If I'm getting in their way. If I'm being too negative. All those kinds of stuff. And I don't really believe that 'real friends' will stay with you no matter what. Maybe those friends don't know how to deal with it. And it's not their obligation. And it's hard and it feels lonely. But maybe it just feels lonely. Maybe you're taking all to your shoulders and not giving them the chance to help you, 'cause you feel guilty. Maybe it's not the case. I really can't tell. I don't know your friends. You have me, and you have other people on tumblr as well uhsauhsahusuha. And I can't really help much, I'm just as messed up as always SUHAUHSAHUSAUHHSUA But venting is good to the soul. That's what I believe.
And yeah. It's freaking out when the 'bad day' turns into a 'bad week' and then into a 'bad month' and then into a 'bad year' and then it keeps going. And you might "not have done something to prevent it" [not that I think that this thing exists] but you can start it now. You can't blame yourself for not dealing with something that you didn't know how to deal with. You may start kinda awkwardly but you can learn.
I'm going through the same thing with the time stuff and all. And I do believe that there is no thing like getting there too late. But I also feel like I don't want to waste my time. That I want to make it right in the first attempt. And I don't think I'll. And it freaks me out. But so many other people are just like us. So many people found themselves later on.
I believe that we can take a lot of roads to get to where we meant to go. And sometimes we'll hate the trip. Sometimes we'll want to go back and take another road. Sometimes we'll find a connection between those roads and just change from one to another. And it's upsetting not getting there when we want to. It really is. But when we get there, and when we handle our expectations and our mind. I believe that there is no way to fail it, if you keep a goal in mind.
Maybe the goal changes. Maybe it's not what you dreamed of. But not all dreams are that good anyway. We have nightmares too lol. Maybe you'll find a better dream. We don't know what will happen in the future. Which is scary. But it's also what can keep us dreaming and chasing.
And it's not about the end as well. It's about all those roads. You'll find some that will bring you joy. And you'll also have to choose some that won't, but will get you to where you want. But it's all part of life, Ig.
I guess the truth is that there is no end for those paths. And it IS an endless train. And it DOES make us want to jump off it. And I'll sound cheesy as hell. But maybe we should focus a little bit less on the end of the journey and a little bit more on those trees passing outside. Or that amazing coffee on the train lol. Or that random stranger that looks suspicious and you want to bust them like sherlock holmes lol.
It's hard to focus on those. I'm not saying it's easy. I'm not saying I do it as well SUHAUHSAUHSAUHHSUA Although I'm trying to.
At this moment I have a 'final goal' and I have no idea of what path to take and I am scared as fuck. Cause I always knew what path I wanted to take. Sometimes it didn't go right and I had to choose another way. But I knew better than I know now. I'm completely lost right now, and it's scary. And I'm afraid of making a bad decision. How many years can it cost? But at the same time, how many things can I come across on a wrong path? How many right things I can come across? How many right people I can meet?
How many years are too much to lose? What is to lose time? We can learn a lot of things in any path we take. If you can't see yourself any closer to your dream goal, try and look around your way. That's what I've been trying. It works some days. It makes me feel like shit at others. Try and find a path to take, but if you can't, go step by step.
I don't think it's ever too late to start over with ourselves.
If it feels too late, it feels too late. And you're allowed to feel it and mourn it. But maybe it's just your time.
There is a thing I'm trying to 100% absorb into my life.
I might be X and I might want to reach Y. But I'm allowed to feel worthy and okay by being X until I can reach Y. There is nothing saying that I can't be happy at both forms. I just need to learn how to accept where I am, who I am and learn to love/deal with this as much as I do with what I want to become.
We don't have to feel miserable all the way to our goal. We can learn to feel better. We may even learn to love some parts of us or the way.
*cries in all languages possible*
No but seriously I have nothing to say. Not to make it seem like I'm not responding to everything you just said but I think you've said everything that needs to be said.
Of course I don't mean to say that this is the ultimate answer to all problems, but hell if it didn't make me see things in a different perspective. The sad part is I knew some of these things already but maybe I lost sight I don't know, but I know for sure that even if I did lose sight, it was because life was not dealing me cards in my favour, and I became skeptical and complex instead of being hopeful and modest. I stopped to enjoy the small things, even though I know it wasn't all bad, because I get too busy trying to survive.
But you know, at the very least, you make me want to try that again. Or, while it doesn't seem grandiose like "your words changed my life", I just think you have a really interesting way of seeing things and your ask really entertained me in a way that was enough to distract me from overthinking the heavy details of this topic, almost like your ask is the "trees passing outside" or "the amazing coffee" that stops me from chasing the urge to jump off the train.
Thank you for sharing so much Missy, please don't feel bad about sending a huge or long ask because I truly read each sentence and took them to heart.
