Hopelessness

💤 yun ' 🎧 18 ｡.｡:+*

[hyunwxi]

I am my father's child. I take after him, perhaps not by appearance - but by personality. We share little quirks, whether it be gestures, manners, or anger issues.

I am certainly his son, no matter how many meltdowns, no matter how grossed out I feel by the thought of sharing blood. Of sharing a surname, a family. I can scream, cry, and I sure can rip my own skin off, but it doesn't make me less of his son.

I'm coming to terms with it. And although I'm trying to, I wonder when I'm gonna become my own person. I wonder if there will be a day when I don't see him in myself. When I won't take after him so much. Because all I've gotten are bad traits. Because all he's showed me is how to be a bad person- how to hurt others.

I don't wanna hurt people like he did. And even though I'm his son, I don't wanna be like my father. Because he's a cruel man.

[hyunwxi]

there's nothing i love about myself,

so i look for love in others

and try to convince myself that it's love

even if i've never loved

[hyunwxi]

this rotten body has already been tainted

it's been corrupted

and now it's no longer the one it used to be

i tried making it worse to avoid any more damage

but i damaged it myself in order to protect it

i can no longer see reality for what it is

[hyunwxi]

and if it's comforting yet damaging at the same time, i will surely seek for it avidly because there's nothing i love more than what my hateful self adores

[hyunwxi]

lips dry and bleeding, i look around seeking something akin to comfort, something that'll bring me peace even if for a fleeting moment. yet there's nothing i find, and only darkness awaits me, i can only hope and rot away in this place.

[hyunwxi]

in such an unfair world, i make the effort to stay afloat and carry on with my life.

i try to work so that my life stays afloat, and i tell myself that nobody will ever care if i don't move on.

everyone leaves eventually,

so it doesn't matter if i'm feeling down. in this world there's no such thing as waiting for someone, if you're slow you're left behind.

but i'm always so exhausted, unsure whether i should continue living in this harsh reality or give in to desire.

[hyunwxi]

so maybe i'll always go unnoticed and become just a fleeting memory with the passage of time, and if the opportunity presents itself, my hand will certainly grip death's embrace and succumb to its warmth.

for loneliness and rejection are colder than the cold itself—painful and unbearable like a dull knife twisting my insides— i'd much rather burn in the pits of hell.

it is in the misery of death that i'll feel something akin to the warm embrace of love.

[hyunwxi]

the chains of slavery hold me so tight that even slacking off for a few minutes feels like becoming an useless being, one that is unable to overcome hardships and work hard.

it's as if resting just for a single moment is condemning myself to failure, therefore embodying the term in its entirety—even if others might not think alike.

i know the chains will always be attached to me, even if they no longer tighten against my sore limbs and restrain my anguished soul.

[hyunwxi]

after everything that had happened, i read one book. i read the first few pages, and then the next few and so on until my hands grasped the last page and my lips pursed in a mix of blurred emotions.

i read this book that perfectly described our relationship. i finished it and couldn't help but feel so much. i felt it all.

numbness had chased me for the past few months and now i could only feel.

for so long i held resentment and love for him. and for the first time i let everything go. no more thinking of him. no more of holding onto the thoughts of us. i let go and finally understood what i was meant to do.

to forgive and move on.

[hyunwxi]

it's exhausting to just exist.

i don't think i'll ever recover from this daily strenuous effort to be in this body; my body.

it feels gross to be me.

[hyunwxi]

never-ending cycle of starvation. days and nights of looking at food with disdain. days and nights of staring at my own reflection, wondering if one day it'll be good enough. if someday it will all cease to haunt me.

i wonder if i will ever get better.

[hyunwxi]

for so long i've always thought that to rightfully be allowed to exist, one should serve a purpose—being a nuisance to society otherwise—so to not be useless, i always strived for the best of the best: "be good or kill yourself". to become one and only and stand out. to fail means to be a nuisance, and to be a nuisance means to be a disappointment. so i should simply kill myself.

but i'm such a coward.

[hyunwxi]

him.

Do you ever wonder if they think about you, if they have wasted even a single thought on you? I wonder how they feel, does he miss me like I miss him? Does she know what a bad friend she was? Do they know? I’m afraid of rejection, even if I could, I do not wish to reach out. What if he doesn’t even think of me as more than just a mere childhood memory? Is the little emotional attachment that remains inside of me, calling for him?

How does he remember me? No, I do not wish to know. Not even on the brink of death would I like to think of myself. I do not exist and don’t think of myself as a truly good human being, I do not know what I am. I can feel, -raw emotions make me- and yet I don’t view myself as more than just matter. Simply and certainly, just a sack of blood, bones and organs held together by skin.

I’ve thought of him plenty of times. He’s appeared in my dreams so much that I’ve felt myself going insane. I’m not sure what I should feel now that I’ve found him after years of wondering. I’m completely clueless of how I should be behaving or what I should even feel. The need to remind myself how a normal human behaves is appalling. It 's tiring. I wish to stop controlling my actions just to be and do like everyone else does, will I ever be able to drop the act? Feelings are still experienced but sometimes they’re blocked and caged so deep inside there’s not much I can do but dissociate. Attempt to feel. Act.

[hyunwxi]

i long for some quiet and peace

for i am constantly tired

i wish to stop feeling

to stop doing

just for a few moments.

[hyunwxi]

I've been alive for almost 17 years.

Out of those 17 years, around 5 were spent drawing, creating. But in those 5 years, I was never able to figure out the meaning of art.

I create and create, yet I have no idea why. I'm not sure if I even like drawing.

[heartssarrow]

-Han Kang - The Vegetarian

[hyunwxi]

winter.

I can't help but reminiscence of my past whenever winter comes. Perhaps it's the seasonal depression. Or maybe I'm just like that.

Thoughts and past memories flood my mind. I seem to be in another world, there's grief, nostalgia, you name it. I think of eventful people in my life, those who hurt, those who made me happy.

Winter is always the season that makes me wonder more. Makes me wonder if I should simply give up. And it takes me back to that winter a few years ago. The cold ceramic under my fingers as I gripped the bathtub—the small pills sliding down my throat. Eyes watering and breath heavy.

I still remember the winter I tried to kill myself.