we gotta talk tonight but here's this thing im gonna probably send her
sorry i literally cannot communicate when we're speaking, i just need a second to gather my thoughts and pull shit together before i can respond.
i've been asking myself the same question for a while now. on the sideblog i did say we were basically dating back in november. so then why does it still matter to me to wait? especially if it's something we both want. because it still feels like matters somewhere in my gut.
you're right in that no matter what happens, if this were to end it would feel like a breakup, no matter what i say. you're right in that if we threw a label on things, nothing, in a practical sense, between us would be different. just a word. a few words different, and an easier explanation to friends and family, and a less nebulous idea of what we are to each other.
i hear you, i know that, and still it feels different. i had all of these rules before about not doing long distance because it's hard and you have to be uber communicative and because i just don't think it's sustainable if there's no Actual End Date. i didn't want to start something long distance with you because i didn't think it was fair to us, and then obviously we did. here we are.
i wanted to keep the physical thing at an arm's length (haha literally) because i was worried about how it would hurt if i got that once and never again. obviously that didn't go according to plan either.
i wanted you too much then and i want this too much now. i can't stop the feelings and i can't stop wanting you and so what is the point in waiting if everything is gonna be exactly the same? what is the point in holding out here about this?
i'm not fully certain, truthfully. but i feel, somehow, that after i hear back and know where i'm going to be, whether it's at school or still here, figuring out a way to leave home, we can figure things out easier.
and i have all these plans and silly as it may be, i want to ask you in a special way and i want it to be face to face and i really really really don't want it to be as the result of a conversation where both of us walk away sad.
this morning on my drive to work i was really just like "well fuck it. if this will prove to her that i'm in this and i'm committed, then that's the most important thing. that she believes me and she's not hurting and she's sure. that she knows i'm sure about her."
i am so sure about you, asha. that's not the problem. that's never been in doubt. the way i want you, the way i fell into this and grew into love with you, there is no doubt in my mind that this is what i want. as much as u don't want to talk about a future, i can still see us, five/ten/fifteen years from now and me holding your hand and being the person who gets your good news first and falling asleep beside you/under you/on you. you're everything i've wanted. that's all true.
it's the way i'm completely rudderless that is the issue. i am really really stuck here and i need some time to be unstuck so that i can be sure i don't bring u down with me.
that's what it's coming down to for me maybe more than anything, and i can already sort of predict your reaction and how you aren't going to think it's a big deal, and jesus i am inadvertently hurting you anyway, or you are being hurt by the situation or Whatever, but i just want to be good so that i can be good for you too. i don't want to be at the bottom of this pit like i have been for the rest of this. i don't want, five years from now, to be like "jesus i was miserable and you were the only good thing in my life", as true as that might be. i want to be able to look back and say "wow do u remember how much work we put in and how happy we were?"
i don't know how much of this is wanted or warranted or if all of it is just something that you'll roll your eyes at. a lot of it is recycled and i know you don't want that, so i don't really know if this is helpful or if it is something else that just hurts and makes you pull away from me again. i hope not.
if you don't want me to talk about the future for the time being, that's fine. if you don't want to believe that i am in this with you, then, as much as it sucks & feels a bit like a suckerpunch, i'll have to be okay with it until you feel like you can just trust that i want this.
i don't feel secure in my head, i don't think i am my healthiest self, or even a good version of myself right now honestly, and you deserve the best parts of me, and i want to do that work. for everyone involved. you make me so happy, but i need to not feel completely hollow the rest of the time too. i need to not be dragging myself to talk to people i love, not make that a part of my daily to-do list, i need to be more present, and i'm working on it. my new year's resolution is systems of self care, emotional and physical and social. i'm leaning into it. but it's going to take me a sec. i want to be good on my own, and i want to be good for you.
i do think we're going to figure it out. but figuring it out looks really different if i am guaranteed a place close to you vs if we have to push for it to happen. either way i want it. i just want to see how hard i'm going to have to claw my way to you from where i am right now.Â
i'm in this. we're not seeing anyone else on either side, we are in love. when i ask you to be my girlfriend, i just want to have an idea of what the future is going to look like and right now everything is completely obscured. even without the label, i am committed to you, i've been committed to you and to what you want and to this since literally october. i want to be on your team.
you said something about "why not just enjoy this now before we take away the chance from ourselves" and i really think we have time. i really think we have space to luxuriate in this, if we want. i don't think there's a rush. my feelings don't just switch off. i want you now and i'll want you for a long time.
i just need a second, i need to be able to see even just the next six months a bit more clearly.
and i don't want to be the only one making decisions here, so let me know what this does for you and if it changes anything/if you need anything changed, but i think i do need to keep this as something i don't break, unlike all of the other rules. as much as everything in me is sort of Yelling at me to just make you happy and give you what you want and make sure you don't hurt because of this. i think i need this a little bit to make sure i can prepare myself for whatever is coming next. not how i feel about you, but how we make it work for both of us.
the moral is that i'm afraid right now, but not of being with you. i will get there but right now there is a legitimately big scary thing in the way and i just need to work through it a bit first.
titsay
gummygunk
origamiaround
dailybridgerton
ellievsbear
