if i were trapped in a comic book and told that i was a character that people were reading abt and that the audience was watching me im ngl id probably kill myself, but, like, thats reasonable right?
just realised NONE of my friends know the extent of my pain
there is literally no one who gets it
like, ill tell them little bits abt what im going through
but theres jsut so much i dont know where to start
and if i do start im not sure if ill be able to stop
i just... i want someone who understands
i know my girlfriend understands a lot, she picks up on the little things
but she cant understand everything
i wish there was someone who just got it
no one in my head gets it either, i know it should be obivous that they know everything im going through, and they do, but they cant fully understand, and its just not the same
you cant get therapy from the people in your head, you cant get a hug from the people in your head
im so tired, i lack motivation, im disconnected from all of my friends, i cant reach out to them, im so fucking stupid, im too good for them, i dont deserve their love, im tainting them, im going to hurt them
i lied, im sorry, im not okay, im scared, im scared that all of the emotions im bottling up and avoiding are going to overflow and hurt someone, im scared that im not worthy of the love and affection that im being given, im scared that im a horrible person who's taking advantage of people for my own selfish gain, im scared that im going to break someone or something and i wont be able to fix it, im scared that im going to loose control and prove to everybody what a shitty person i am, im scared that im going to fuck up everything i care about, im scared that ill keep running from my problems until i meet a dead end and im forced to face everything ive been avoiding, im scared i wont be able to stop myself from doing bad things, im scared that people will judge me and hate me if i reached out for help or tried to explain even a small amount of the pain im in, im scared that ill keep avoiding getting help or keep getting denied help until i just snap and do something bad
im going to destroy everything you love, since you only love yourself that makes my job easier, but when you're on your last breaths, i wont give you the mercy of dying in my presence, i hope you claw desperately for me as i leave you broken and alone, just as you left me
So as some of you might know I have PDID which is a disassociate personality disorder that is caused by childhood trauma and causes my brain to "split" alternate personalities to cope with the trauma
Uhmmm there's bad news and good news
Good news is I can still remember important things and I'm not entirely alone (I think)
Bad news is practically everyone has gone dormant or fused or something, cause they ain't here anymore and idk where they went
I think Hobie is still here cause I was talking to him last night but he kinda disappeared halfway through so idk
There's a new alter I split from the stress of losing everyone and she helped me get to sleep but I can't find anyone rn
A lot of people try to achieve final fusion but I hate it, I hate being alone, I rely a lot on my alters so much they're like a family, and a lot of us call each other that
But they're all gone now and idk what to do, it's like everyone close to me just died, Im not even fully formed, I literally have no solid name or shape, just a faint personality and voice
So uhm it's gonna be a bit different here on out, because I'm pretty much the only one here and idk how to do a lot of shit and I'm rlly scared all the time and I can't keep up with schedules and shit
I'll try and update if I split anyone new or someone comes out of dormancy, but for now it's just me
because the tiktok ban is supposedly true and is going to happen in like january(???dont quote me on that) im kinda worried that people who migrate to tumblr who have.. never had tumblr before.. will, for lack of better terms, tiktok-ify tumblr!!! esp in the nonhuman community because we all are aware of the tiktok therians and how some of them see stuff, so if/when they come on here, i fear they will be in for a shocking awakening!
(edit: this is not an attack towards tiktok alterhumans who are open towards educating themselves, its more of a worry about those who are more narrow minded and would refuse to educate themselves!!^^i apologize if my words came off as an attack, that was not my intent)
thinking abt how my therianthropy is such a casual part of me now. when i first realized i was nonhuman i thought that if i wasnt constantly thinking abt my theriotype and how unhappy i am abt physically being a human i was a faker and a fraud who just wanted to be special. but now i can confidently say "yeah im a wolf" without feeling like I need to prove myself to anyone.
not looking for a oh because i am this animal answer
like where on the Internet did you learn the term?
i learned it off YouTube first, where i was like yooo same! but i dont wanna say i am when im not, then I found it again on tik tok years later as an adult before i finally confermed my awakening
I was aware of people who thought they were animals for a while but thought that was a mental issue, one day i came across a tiktok post abt someone coming out as a cat and rat theriab, they had a blank mask with stickers on it and plastic in the eyes, I tried to scroll past it but I got too curious and searched up what a therian was, and then I did some more digging, and some more research, and I awakened as a snow leopard therian later that day, since then our alterhumanity has developed way past therianthropy, but I'll never forget that first video that really introduced me to therianthropy
I don't really post about this kinda stuff anymore but
coming from a system who was harassed off their old account by endos due to us using plural tags.
YOU HAVE FULL RIGHT TO USE ANY TAGS TO DESCRIBE YOUR DISORDER.
yes plural, yes plurality, yes collective, yes multiple. Anything at all
If you get hate from endos who are breaking your boundaries and dni, block them
I tried to educate and inform, even simply telling them to not contact me, but they are harmful.
please just block them.
We can take the term plurality back from ableists
WE ARE SYSPUNK AND WE WILL RECLAIM OUR TERMS
I will very likely get harassed by their "safe" and "welcoming" community again. This time I will simply block them and ignore their hateful behavior. I advise you to do the same.
reassurance and advice under the cut:
Somthing a lot of endos claimed I was doing was being "hateful" for venting on my account about the ableism and misinformation from endos
You are not hateful for being upset about people faking, watering down, and spreading harmful misinformation about your DISORDER.
You didn't ask for this, none of us did
If an ableist (endo) calls you ableist, remember:
they "identify" as a non disordered system
you proving facts proved by psychology and the science of the development of a child's brain is NOT ableism, in fact, it can't be. They don't "identity" as having OSDDDID, they just identify with being a system. You proving them wrong is not and will never be ableist.
You are not in the wrong here. Your disorder is being appropriated and being treated horribly.
Endos support the idea of telling singlets to "become systems", even creating posts like "build an alter". Theres "syshopping" and "selling alters" which they've created. Making people take our disorder so much less seriously. Its horrible and extremely dangerous towards the young and impressionable minds on the internet.
FOR THE RECORD:
I do not support the idea of misusing tags that are genuinely for endos to stir up an argument (such as #endogenic #endos #pro endo)
It can be incredibly dangerous for your mental health and is being hateful, I know they're ableist, and it isn't fair, but we have to be the bigger person. We cannot stoop down to their level.
Yes, they will break your and my DNI's, they are harmful, this is a fact. But we must not break theirs,
we will be better than them.
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