Can you write a cute little one shot of married!drarry babysitting Ron and Hermiones toddler and them playing any game and at the end of the game one of them says they want a kid?
You have: 15 new voicemails.
“Hey Ron, it’s Harry. Why am I saying that it’s me. You have my number saved, right? I hope so, cause I’m babysitting your fucking kid. Ah, shoot I probably shouldn’t swear so much, right? Not my fault - Draco swears like a Scottish sailor when he gets mad. Anyways, just wanted to let you know it’s all okay and hope you enjoy your date with ‘Mione. Hope you get some. You need it.”
“Hey Ron. So uh, I know Hermione left dinner for Rose but she wouldn’t eat it. Like full on, tantrum, wouldn’t eat it. And I know that I’m the boy who lived and everything, blah blah but seriously mate, I’m panicking? What do I do?”
“Yeah so Draco and I are never having kids. Rose wouldn’t eat, so we asked her what her favourite food was and she said fried eggs? So Draco made her some, and she seemed pretty happy until she started asking for dessert. And - your kid is going to be a pathological liar, I swear cause she said she was allowed ice cream? And we gave her some because what else were we supposed to do? Do babies usually stick to the ceiling? How long until they fall off?”
“Ron, I appreciate that you’ve probably turned your phone off cause you’re in the theatre or some shit but Rose is bouncing off the walls. Literally. And she’s shitting sparks. Is this natural kid behavior? Kid-wizard-baby thing that I conveniently missed out on? Please help me because I have no idea what to do and - oh god, the toaster is sparking. DRACO, WHY IS THE FUCKING TOASTER SPARKING??”
“Ron I am the smartest person I know. Hermione said that her favourite treat was those sugar quills right? We bribed her to get off the roof with those. Now she is happily sucking on one of them whilst Draco changes her nappy and I do the dishes. On an unrelated note you really need to stop buying these graphic mugs because they are horrible. Your “My wand is the largest” one is disgusting and Draco nearly choked when he saw it. And also...if you want to stop by a toaster shop on your way home?”
“Weasley. It’s Draco. I want to assure you I am never having kids because your child is a demon and I hope that the stained glass window in your study wasn’t terribly expensive because Rose just flew out of it. Don’t worry, Harry is going to get her but I’m afraid she may have flown rather far, due to the whole levitating sherbets - What? How was I supposed to know that? Harry you idiot, I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to mention the sherbet? How do I delete voice mail - Harry? Harry you’re the fucking Muggle here - Harry? Harry??”
“Hi Ron, it’s Harry. Not to worry, everything is going to plan, Rose and I are just...getting some fresh air?”
“Your acting skills are tremendious, Harry.”
“Fuck off Draco, we’re - don’t worry, Ron, your child isn’t lost, she’s just a bit...High? Physically, not mentally. I mean, we wouldn’t have given her drugs, that’s a big no-no and - DRACO? DRACO IS THAT - I’ll call you back!!”
“Hey, so it’s Pansy and Harry just wanted me to let you know to not worry, everything is under control. We’re going to find Rose and he promises she’ll be okay - oh sorry? I wasn’t supposed to mention that? Okay you fucking call then asshole!”
“This is Blaise. I’m not sure if I’ve ever called you before but first time for everything. We have it all under control - Draco just invited Pans and I over because your daughter is a...handful. Anyways, enjoy your date.”
“Hello, I am the hidden heir to the Black Fortune, and I am currently wrongfully inprisoned in Azkaban. I need you to open up a Gringott’s account so I can transfer thirty million galleons to you. I need an outside source to hold my money while I arrange for my release. If you would just send me the account details, I will allocate a significant reward to you once I am free. Please call me back, or send an Owl.”
“It’s Theo. Yep, the whole gang came over because it’s hard work caring for your spawn. Also, it takes a village to raise a child right? Anyways, just wanted to reassure you that your child is definitely at home with us and not halfway up a tree in the middle of the park. I promise I’m not be sarcastic. Potter, stop making that face at me. Potter - “
“Harry here - she’s fine, I promise Ron, swear it on my life, she’ll be okay, alright? Just enjoy your date and - you haven’t even answered your phone yet, oh god, all the voicemails BLAISE YOU HALFBLOOD GET YOUR ASS HERE - “
“ - how’d she get into a fucking tree - “
“ - fucking helpful you piece of - “
“ - someone get me a ladder or a rope - “
“ - rope? Gonna climb your way to the top Pans?”
“ - make yourself fucking useful - “
“ - god is she spinning? A twirling, psychotic baby?”
“ - best friend’s daughter so shut your face Zabini - “
“ - will never, ever have children - “
“ - with the amount you and Potter bang it’s highly fucking unlikely that you won’t have children - “
“ - THAT’S NOT HOW BIOLOGY WORKS - “
“ - do you have her? I think - “
“ - YOU CAN’T HAVE A CHILD BY STICKING A DICK UP - “
“ - oh my god this was recording the whole time - “
“ - turn it off, turn it off - “
“ - oh god it’s fucking sending HARRY - “
“It’s okay, Ron, we have her. This is Draco by the way. We’re on our way home now and - no. No, Harry, get that grin off your face - “
“Hi Ron, it’s Harry again. Rose is asleep and I was thinking, all this chaos has taught me that I actually operate pretty well under stress. I think...I think I might want to have a kid. What do you think?”
