I-Ching Diary

One day I will be wise.

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My blog about therapy and stuff

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I am starting this again

I had a long break from I-Ching because I got impatient, but I have realised the error of my ways. I know that I wanted to fix all my problems overnight with NLP, and that didn't work. I was trying to reach the goal and avoid the process. So I am still in therapy and I am going to go back to the wisdom of I-Ching, with a better attitude. And as if my magic, the first reading of the new phase resulted in the same Kua as the first reading of this blog - Grace. Everything is going quite well at the moment - work is good and I graduated from my art therapy course. I told my therapist about a dream I had in which she and her husband were running a writing retreat with all of the people on my art therapy course. Every night she and her husband would encourage us all to get as drunk as possible, and they joined in. It was a very messy writing retreat. The only person that wouldn't join in was this girl, who in real life I associate with being very healthy and energetic. She wouldn't join in in the dream because she was pregnant. I was congratulating her on the pregnancy but we all new full well that the baby was dead and she was having to carry it until the birth when she would have to deliver the baby corpse. I realised I was being highly insensitive and selfish by pretending I didn't know. I realised we were all getting drunk and nobody was being responsible or looking after themselves. I had a moment of clarity and went to confront my therapist and her husband by saying it was inappropriate to encourage us to get hammered all the time. When I confronted her though, she didn't care. I told my therapist about the dream and she suggested that it is about me not trusting her and the process. This is reflected in her not keeping boundaries in the dream. By doing therapy but not really trusting her, I am planting the seeds of change but they can't grow I.e. giving birth to a dead baby. She is right!

So I-Ching said PI - grace Beauty lies in the original form, not the outer adornments. Let it stand forth. I think it's referring to me trying to fix things externally without putting any devotion into the core I.e. the seeds of change. I need to nourish them and let them stand forth by investing in the process again.

[unanimals]

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I-Ching reading 21 - repair becomes resolution

I had NLP today for two hours. The man came to my house. He had a beard and asked if I had any 'hippy tea'. He admired the painting of Michael Jackson in my hallway, and commented about my book collection, that the fact it includes Carl Jung and Levi Roots meant that he was looking forward to working with me. It was a good start, to be approving of the weird things in my house. I liked him. We started off by talking about my experiences of NLP previously. He said that it sounds like my course had been on the 'sales' strand of NLP, and that his approach is more humanistic. I was pleased about this. He said that the way they treat NLP borders on being a cult, but his way is more integrative. I was pleased about this too. So we talked about my issues, and he elicited my strategy. He asked me to show him how I do it. It involves getting home from work, and telling myself I'm tired. Then I slump. Then I get restless and start looking for something to do. Then I possibly try and do a few things but can't concentrate long enough. Then I get agitated about something, like mess, and have an argument with my girlfriend. Then I go to co-op and buy wine. Then I come back and I'm happy. Then the next day I'm tired and agitated again. He said it is a well defined strategy. As soon as I start the pattern I know I'm going to end up with wine, so a recreate it over and over again. This is true. Then he asked me to talk about what problems this causes in my life, and whether I want to find a new pattern today. He did this hypnotic thing with me of counting backwards and talking slowly and dropping messages in normal sentences. I could recognise the milton model from my course and even though I was aware of what he was doing it still seemed brilliant. Like something dropped through the letterbox as he was talking so he dropped in the word 'deliver'. And he told me a metaphorical story about in WW2 there were soldiers that kept fighting for 30 years even though the war was over because no-one had told them. Then he did a parts integration, where he got the two conflicting parts to come and stand on each hand, and found out their highest intention, and that its the same thing, and brought them together. Then he got me to create two paths, one where I decide to change and one where I don't. He asked me to look back over my whole life having walked each path respectively and give 29 year old self advice. Then he told me to choose one path and cut off the other one. And that was it. So tonight I did I-Ching and it said: Repair becomes resolution: the hexagram repair bodes great success. Through work you have the opportunity to totally eliminate past indifference that has created the present uncomfortable situation. You can see the problems clearly. Work hard. The timing is excellent for making amends. Do not be afraid to take assertive action. Your own past attitude has allowed damage to occur, making you uniquely equipped to repair it. Before taking action, it is important to consider the winding path that has led to this state of decay. Think it over carefully. The original Chinese text recommends three days of consideration before making a move. So I-Ching is telling me that if I have the discipline now will be a good time to make change, I found some postcards that represent my old strategy.

The pigeons are trapped. The two parts of myself fight. I give in. The two parts of myself either get creative or drunk. Usually drunk. I painted this:

I don't know who the woman with no face is. She's the part of me that doesn't fit into any of my old patterns. I suppose I need to decide whether I am going to get to know her or not. NLP man said that this is time for the come-back of my 10 year old self. I would like that to happen.

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I-Ching day 20 - Censorship

It seems like me and I-Ching have been on a break. I haven't written about it since well I don't know. I have been really busy though. Also it was starting to annoy me, I didn't always understand what it was getting at. And today is no exception. I asked it about NLP because I'm having two hours of NLP tomorrow to try and sort out some of these problems that therapy is taking too long about. I know that I went on that NLP course I left feeling a bit mental, I kept thinking I had to set goals all of the time and be some kind of successful person. And lots of it didn't work and that left me thinking it was all a farce. And the trainer pissed me off because he made out like I was some kind of martyr and that I should be making loads of money but I can't because its not in my value system. But there were some things that really worked, like it got me over my plane fear, and made me more motivated at work. So I thought that it could probs help me again if I did it with someone else and focused on specific things. So I asked I-Ching how to approach the session and it answered: Censorship - you are directly confronted by forces that threaten both your convictions and the attainment of your goals. Unfortunately, your position in this situation is not powerful. Well great, is it trying to tell me that NLP won't work? Earlier on I was arguing with my girlfriend and I made this:

I started off sticking some text from a life coaching book on the page. Then I painted all of that mess around it. That's what it feels like, I went on that life coaching course and was promised that if I made a clear specific goal it would happen... but it didn't magically manifest. And now I'm exploring all of the mess and it does feel like an uncontrollable mess. So I thought NLP might be able to help untangle it a bit. Anyway then I-Ching told me censorship so I made this:

I've been getting really annoyed with painting today. Everything I paint doesn't make sense and looks a mess. Maybe that's what it's referring to. I just need a project why is it so hard to find a project. I feel angry that I can't make a project that I enjoy and stick to I just get frustrated with it all and then slump and make pictures of mess. Look it's 23:08 and its nearly bed time and that makes me so angry that I have to go to bed when I haven't even done anything today. Anyway I looked at a different I-Ching book because that other one was just useless. It said: "The image is that of the sun completely swallowed by the earth. If we fight against the darkness we are swallowed by it and suffer great misfortune. If we react to the lack of visible progress with despair and negativity, we block our own inner light and block the aid of the creative." It's true. I am swallowed by it. I'm just gonna try and be open minded tomorrow and see what happens.

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I-Ching reading day 19 - Changing

Maggie has been driving me mental this week. She came from a rescued dogs home where she was born and she has a million social problems. On Saturday she was lunging and barking at every passing bike, child, duck, etc. Then today we were over the fields which is usually deserted when a child came along, she ran up to him barking and jumped and nipped his behind. Not hard but thats not the point. We put her on the lead and took her home and now I am in despair that she is going to kill a toddler and be put down and we will go to prison.

So I asked I-Ching and it said ‘changing’

This seems to be the motto for my life. When we first got Maggie I believed in The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. I expected that we would instantaneously have a perfect dog that would just naturally know how to be perfect via positive energy. How ridiculous. She is a year and a half old now and here are some milestones:

1. We got kicked out of puppy class and told to keep our money 2. She ripped up the kitchen floor and bit holes through the walls 3. She ate my Apple Mac charger 4. She ate a packet of painkillers and had to have her stomach pumped 5. She learned how to scale our 6ft fence and has ended up in neighbours gardens chasing cats and swimming in their ponds 6. She got bored of the equipment at dog agility within 10 minutes and decided to run away and chase sheep instead

And now she wants to kill children. So tomorrow I am going to call the vet and get a referral to a behaviourist. I must remember that this is a carefully calculated transformation. I suspect that ask, believe, receive won’t work with Maggie.

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I-Ching reading day 18 - Limitations

Yesterday was an eventful day which is why I didn't blog. We went on a family trip on my Dad's canal boat that he has somehow ended up with because someone owed him money or something, but they couldn't afford to pay him so they gave him a boat? Anyway, the boat was a mess, freezing, we were banging into everything that passed, Maggie was lunging at ducks and my Mum was shouting 'iceberg right ahead!' Afterwards I went to a gay club til 5am and sang Cher on karaoke. I found out that it is wise I don't live in the centre of town any more. Best for me to be out of the way in the middle of some fields for damage limitation. Today was a lovely sunny day that filled me with optimism. I decided to ask I-Ching about something specific. Me and my friends are going on holiday and one of them has asked if he can invite other people along. This has been a cause for arguments before. I find social situations stressful - having to interact with people I don't know seems to take a lot of energy and I have to go through the whole process with them of thinking I can't be myself, that they will judge me, etc etc. It's because I was bullied at school, and I'm an introvert. Anyway because I don't feel like I can say that to start with I end up just getting annoyed about it and arguments happen. So I asked I-Ching what to do about it. Limitations: curb extremes in personal relationships - extremes in promises, projections, and passions. Accept your loved ones for themselves, and your relationships will strengthen. If you have gone too far in restricting others, you will cause only rebelliousness and unpleasantness. Instead set limits upon the extent of your attachments. Well that's very clear advice I think. I should say it's ok to bring other people and then just deal with it. So I meditated by looking into the crystal ball for a bit, then I made this picture.

I am confluence. I don't know what is me and what is you. It feels messy and confusing and claustrophobic. I want to say GET OUT OF MY SPACE. Get out of my head and stop telling me all these things about myself. Don't invite other people because then there will be even more people here. I am you. I don't know how I got here, it's really nothing to do with me. Don't mix me up in all of this shit. I am the boundaried person. I am just me, not anyone else. I am responsible for myself and you are responsible for yourself. It's like freedom. Reminded me of the 'Gestalt prayer': I do my thing and you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, And you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful. If not, it can't be helped. (Fritz Perls, "Gestalt Therapy Verbatim", 1969)

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I-Ching reading day 17 - Community

Today I looked in my crystal ball and I saw a man with a beard. I think the crystal ball is going to be harder to interpret than the I-Ching. In the afternoon I went to the £2 book shop and bought a million books all about cartoons. I read a book and it told me about the colour wheel. I didn’t even know that colours correlate to each other in such a simple way, how they complement and contrast each other. It is brilliant. I also bought some frames for these drawings my girlfriend brought back from Prague, from the Olga Havel foundation.

http://www.vdv.cz/homepage/

They are drawn by disabled children and sold at the castle. And now they are going to be in my hallway.

I-Ching said ‘community’.

Community: society functions at its very best when each member finds security in his place within the social structure. When all members can be gainfully employed, yet have individual initiative, when they can each excel in their own craft, and in doing so contribute to the overall goals of society, then there exists harmony and a sense of community. It is a fine time for new endeavours. The forces present in this hexagram favour the creation of structures, mechanisms and healthy disciplines necessary for the unified attainment of ambitious deeds, particularly when those needs are aligned to and service the needs of your fellow man.

As I was painting I got annoyed about it. I got impatient and frustrated. I always get like that when painting or drawing. But I stuck with it until it started working out ok. And I thought about the colour wheel as I went along, and thought how the colour wheel is like a community. Each colour is unique but they compliment and contrast each other and it makes up this big picture of all of the colours in the world.

I am the people. We don't know each other, we don't see each other, we don't speak to each other. We are all connected.

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I-Ching reading day 16 - Difficulty at the beginning

I didn't write my blog again yesterday. But I did read my I-Ching, and it said something about my light being shrouded by darkness. It seemed ever so negative and I would have made a picture but I worked til 10pm and when I got home my friend was here and he didn't leave til 1am. So today I woke up and it seemed like an amazing miracle that I didn't have to go to work or uni for the first time in ages. I stayed in bed til 11am reading my old diaries and thinking that i seemed happier in 2011, and then I couldn't find something and got distressed about how messy everything is. Which is apt because in therapy I have been talking about how I get emotionally messy if everything around me is messy, and then last night I had a dream that I was on celebrity Big Brother and it was being held in my old bedroom at home and all the celebrities were disgusted at how vile it was and so I told them all to leave. I decided to try doing NLP on myself using anchors. I haven't done it on myself before but it worked very well when I was on the course so I changed my negatives states by anchoring new ones. Like this: Everything is a mess---------------------------Everything is a mess Overwhelm------------------------------------ Calm Panic----------------------------------------- Focus Anger ---------------------------------------- Motivation Slump ---------------------------------------- Energy Then I cleared out the bathroom, the man drawer and my bedroom side. This doesn't sound like much but you wouldn't believe how much crap can be stored in these things. It worked hooray. Tomorrow I will start on the bedroom drawers. I went into town and rewarded myself by buying a crystal ball and an I-Ching pocket. We took the crystal ball to Starbucks. I will become wise. I read my I-Ching again and it said: Difficult beginnings: the birth of every new venture begins in some confusion because we are entering the realm of the unknown. Although this hexagram suggests nothing but chaos, it ultimately passages a time of order and efficiency. But then my changing line said this: you have lost your perspective. You can no longer see your initial difficulties realistically, nor can you find your way out. This is disgraceful and will cause you much regret. It is best to begin again. As we were in Starbucks I made this quick stickman drawing:

Because I thought maybe I-Ching is picking up on my diary comparisons this morning. I'm losing perspective. I am pointing at the stairs and saying angrily 'boo hoo, that seems like too much effort' and then I stayed up late with friends and didn't write my blog. I still thinks its a bit harsh though I-Ching.

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I-Ching reading day 15 - Telepathic Benefit

Yesterday I must confess I did not do my I-Ching. I had a job interview and got offered the job. Then I celebrated with my girlfriend and my ex-housemate. We had cava and beer and watched hump day. A hoot was had all round. Maggie sat contentedly throughout, supervising my I-Ching workbook. She gave me a telepathic reading of 'Benefit.' Hooray!

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I-Ching reading day 14 - Retreat

Today I woke up in immense pain because of my toe. I think it's broken. I called in sick and made my girlfriend take the day off work so that she could make me tea and drive me to therapy. Ha. Therapy was good. She's off for three weeks now though. HOW WILL I COPE. Actually I could do with the money so it's ok. Then I went to the doctors, which was terrible. He said 'it might be broken, it might not' then he weighed me and told me I've put on weight (like that's the reason my toes are breaking) and then he asked me how much I drink. (They always ask me because I had a home detox 10 years ago). I said I usually drink a few nights a week and when I do it is a bit too much. He said and how do you feel about that? I said well its not ideal obviously but I'm in therapy. He said and how do you feel *morally* being that you are a youth worker and therefore supposed to be a role model? I said I am still human and I obviously don't drink on days that I'm working. This is the same doctor who told me when I was 24 that there are better things to spend my pocket money on than cigarettes, and told my Mum when she said she smokes occasionally 'there is only one you.' Ugh. When I got home I rang the surgery and said that he is patronising and that I don't want to be sent to him again. When I got home I did I-Ching twice, once about my job interview and one about the doctor. For the job interview it said 'meditation' (of course) and for the doctor it said 'retreat'. I will meditate before the interview I think that is good advice. What worries me is that the changing hexagram is 'stagnation', which is weird. Does that mean that I won't get the job and have to stay where I am? Or does it mean that I will get the job but it will lead to stagnation? Actually probably what it means is that I've got to give two months notice which is quite a long time so I'll be stagnating for a while whether I get the job or not. Anyway, retreat is also good advice. RETREAT: it is of great importance that you do not confront or struggle with opposing forces and thereby become emotionally with what is, actually a futile situation. Vengeance and hatred will cloud your judgement and prevent the necessary retreat. You cannot win the war right now, but you can stop the enemies advance. This is done with a determined detachment: cut off the lines of communication, become self sufficient, withdraw intellectually and emotionally. Every time I ask it anything to do with bad habits it says that to struggle with them will be futile. I knew this when I started my course because I knew that all struggling previously had never resolved anything. The doctor is trying to make me feel guilty but I have made myself feel guilty about things for long enough to know that this method does not work. So Doctor Judgement why don't you just go on a mindfulness course before you go giving out judgemental advice. Anyway, I-Ching says don't engage with this conflict with the doctor. I made this drawing:

I have to sit with my demons to overcome them, and I can only do that by going on retreat. I've resisted it til now because I thought I couldn't cope with meditating, but I've done it a few times now and it's getting easier (and harder - but in a good way). This is the year I will go on retreat. Hooray!