I have a thinking problem

I have a thinking problem. Some days I'll get up and start thinking before breakfast, I've even started thinking at school. Almost every day without fail I stay up thinking long into the night. It's beginning to affect my work, my mood, my relationships, and everything about life. I'm afraid. I'm afraid about what will happen if I keep thinking like this.

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Third time lucky

Why a lengthy note? I am devoid of happiness. I am devoid of pleasure. I am devoid of care. Friends is just a word 

now. Family is just a word. I don't know what I am meant to feel. There is nothing left. They've tried, I've tried. 

I've danced to their stupid voodoo rituals, i've taken their hokey snake oil, I've done every-fucking-thing they 

told me to. And what? NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Just like how we started. Nihilism.

Man is dust, and unto dust he shall return.

Nihil est verum, et Nihil sine veritas.

Nothing is true, and there is nothing without truth.

Goodbye meaningless existence.

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14 zopliclone, 1L Red Vermouth, some Rum, Cold bath.

Let's see how that works.

failure. Can still feel it in my system. Memories are fucked. Phone is broken. didn't wake up in tub. Willpower failed.. Failure.

Another Fucking Failutre

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Part Deux

4200 + 1225 - 5425mg Venlafaxine Hydrochrolide.

2400mg Trazodone hydrochloride

2100mg Moclobemide

Do you want a thought records for this?

Existence is pitiful.. I feel pitiful. I am pitiful.

Look around you at the decay that passes for society, for progress.

Look at the cruelty of man, the self destruction, and wilful idiocy.

nothing is changing. Nothing.

There was never any hope.

this was ineivtable.

Sorry.

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didn't follow through.

Why?

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I, Patrick {REDACTED}, being of previously established unsound mind and a kinda fat and a little scarred but more or less functional and sound body, hereby declare that I feel life existentially worthless, that I derive little to no pleasure from all activities, and that the attempts of psychiatric and medical professionals have consistently, for two years, failed to produce results. As such, It seems to me that the only life I could feasibly lead from now on would be a parasitic and miserable one. Thus logic dictates that for the betterment of society, myself, and - in the long run - my immediate relatives and companions, I should end my life now, quickly, and quietly. I request that whether or not my body is discovered, that minimal fuss and expense is wasted on the marking of my passing. Death is inevitable, and final.

I have found myself a man of thoughts in a world of the brainless, allow me to quit it.

Everything dictates that this would have happened eventually - I love you all as much as an apathetic sociopath can.

Good night, my kittens.

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Followed by over consumption of nurofen plus (30 tablets) - intention to jump off tay bridge and radial artery had been marked in pen (w/ message down the road, not across the street) however, extended conversations, vast quantities of alcohol consumed (a bottle of vodka for breakfast, strong white cider steadily all day) resulted in sleep before any genuine harm. Thighs slightly bruised from repeatedly self inflicted blows w/ crowbar.

Conclusion: Double Failure

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i hate my pathetic existence

there is no happiness

and i see nothing changing

every day is, at best, pure apathy, i just want to sleep it away. at worst i'm miserable.

almost every night sneaks in laying in the dark unable to sleep, scenarios running through my mind. heights, electrocution, immolation, overdose, exsanguination, i can't control it.

i'm a failure. i should be a disappointment. but i don't think anyone even expects anything of me anymore. and why should they, useless fuck up, never going to change.

I'm defective. i don't enjoy. i don't feel the positive in things anymore. all they can serve to do is distract. and without that, without that skinnerbox reward system. life descends into endless monotonous and pointless repetition. work to live longer to work more to live longer, gardening gardening dead. There is no satisfaction. there is no happiness.

this act is selfish. but everything i do is. I'm unable to exist without burdening all those around me, dragging them down, poisoning them. I am sorry. i've always been sorry, for everything, even things i don't quite know what they were, but i was sorry for them. constant guilt. it's nobody elses fault but my own. nobody should think they could stop me, because i chose not to be stopped.

to my parents, my sisters, my brother, graham, rebekah, braiding, sontra, olga, and any others i've shared my grief with and who have cared for me or tried to help... I'm sorry.

I've tried. I think I have, I hope I have. 6 ssri's in as many months, to no effect. a shrink lined up but maybe someone who'll get more from the session can have it instead. I don't think there is anything he can tll me that would change a thing.

solamen miseris socios habuisee dolores

i always knew that i would end up here.

Patrick

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Followed by overdose of 2 and a half months worth of 6 assorted anti-depressants, 20 odd extra stregth painkillers, and a bottle of dark rum. slept for 24+ hours, amidst sweats, extreme tachycardia, nausea and shivering - acute serotonin storm. after evidentally not dying walked to GP with a resting heart rate of 170+, was admitted to hospital given diazepam and kept for observation. stayed awake all night, heart rate gradually fell to 100 before being discharged.

Conclusion: Failure

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I just wanted it all to go away.

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Eating pork belly slices by hand and tooth has taught me a thing or two about eating a whole person.

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This is probably becoming a derelict husk of what it was before. Can't remember the last story I wrote, the last pretentious snatch of verse. Things just seem to have lost their way - and why? I don't know, probably symptomatic of greater things. A deterioration? I don't know. Change of drugs in the offing. Again. Weaning off current, sleep has all gone to shit. Concentr- something something.  Just, all fucked up. Went to Edinburgh, saw animation-y things, they were good. Was a good time, with a cool person, (although seems I managed to make it a first and last meeting with my unparalleled charm). Was some Hertzfeldt, the Conclusion to the Bill trilogy - was rather wonderful. Don is good. Go get some. What else? What else indeed. Get tired so easily. Not physically. Well, that too I suppose. But... everythingelsally.

Meh. More drugs to look forward to. 'Homework' I need to do. things I'm meant to write. Blagh.

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Awww, Young not hate.

Zuko: You're so beautiful when you hate the world.

Mai: I don't hate you.

Zuko: I don't hate you too.

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It is 4.28am (or was when I started) - Quiz

Zero - Who was your last text from? Mum

One - What/who is your icon? A Brain.

Two- Your relationship status? Single

Three - Have you ever lost a close friend? Through betrayal/distance.

Four - What is your current mood? Grumbly and tired. Five - What’s your brother(s)/sister(s)names? Kate, Lucy, Fergus. Six - Where do you wish you were right now? Dreamland. Seven - Have a crazy side? All of my sides are. Eight - Ever had a near death experience? Yes. Nine- Something you do a lot? Think. Ten - Angry at anyone?  No one in particular. Eleven - What’s stopping you from going for the person you like ? Don't think it is mutual. Lack of confidence/self esteem and wussiness. Oh, and distance, I guess.

Twelve - When was the last time you cried? "I'm crying right now, In a manly way." Not actually sure. I was probably drunk.

Thirteen- What are you really good at ? The thinkings. Fourteen - What do you think about when you are falling asleep? Will this take much longer? Fifteen- What were you doing yesterday at 10pm? Cartoons, Nomnoms and Internet Peoples. Sixteen - Do you prefer light or dark hair on the opposite sex ? Irrelevant. Seventeen - Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Mum Eighteen - What is/are your favorite band(s)?  Pink Floyd, Eels, others too, I guess. Nineteen - What are you doing right now? This. Twenty - Who do you trust 100% right now? - Twenty one - Where did you get the shirt you are wearing? What shirt? Twenty two - Heavy metal music? Sure. Twenty three- Who Was the last person you hugged. A girl. Twenty four- Is there anything you’re hiding from someone? All of the things. Twenty five - Who are you thinking of right now? Eh... No one really? Twenty six - What should you be doing right now? Sleeping Twenty seven - What are you listening to? Mono & World's End Girlfriend Twenty eight - You need new jeans. Quick where do you go? A shop. Twenty nine - Who was the last person who yelled at you? Not sure. Thirty - Do you act differently around the person you like? I act differently around all of the people. Thirty one - What is your eye colour? Puppy dog Brown. Thirty two - Who was the last person to make you laugh? Don Hertzfeldt. Thirty three - Who was the last person to make you angry? Myself, probably. Thirty four - Hello Kitty or dora? Johnny the Homicidal Maniac Thirty five - Is your hair naturally curly or straight? Straight-ish? Thirty six - Hug anyone of opposite sex in past 24 hours? Mais oui. Thirty seven - One thing you want right now? Sleep. Thirty eight - Will you fall in love in the next few months? I dunno. Thirty nine - What does the 5th text in your inbox say? “More often than you'd expect. Where are you?” Forty - Are you worried about the future? Yup. Forty one - Are you happy with life right now? Nyyyot realllly.. Forty two - Are you currently jealous? Yes. Of everyone who is sleeping. Totes jelly. Forty three – Who’s your best guy friend? G. Forty four -Do you forgive or forget?  Sometimes forgive. But never forget. I am the vengeful elephant. Forty five - What do you miss the most about elementary school? Primary school? Simplicity. Forty six - Favorite Disney Channel (Kids) show ? Marvel Comic Hour. Forty seven – Who’s 3 of your best girl friends? Ehhh... Anya, Braiding, J-bear. Forty Eight - What are you looking forward to? The apocalypse. Or sleep. Or food. Or hanging out with someone. Nothing in particular. Forty nine - Does anyone like you right now? Ehh... 'Like'? Don't know. Doubt it. Fifty- Lyrics to the song you’re listening to? Instrumental.

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I have good rum, and I have the rain, But without good friends, They are both the same.

Hidalgo Zarzuela

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Regret is but shadow; cast by that we have built - we cannot unbuild them, but must only move on, out of the shadow, and into light.

Kikozu Tsugaru

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Books are not written - books are just a trap with which an author captures and tames the stories of the universe.

Eugene Dorian

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I feel so fucking empty.

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I revived an old tablet PC, and now have made it into a shiny (ish) li'l digital sketchbook. A quick 10 minute sketch to test it, in CS2 - a self portrait, because I am obviously an unrepentant narcissist. I don't art so good, but practice 'n all, Right?

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On below

Was written soooo long ago, all freestyle like. There does actually exist a video of it being played by me and two others. But I hope it will never see the light of day. If you know a comedy folk/rock outfit who want to play it, I'd like credit and a video of it being played, because that'd be awesome. I could be a professorional songer.

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An Unconventional Love Song

Remember the day that we met in the park? Your beautiful face, way back in mid march. You were walking along, I was watching your feet, Every move that you made, my heart skipped a beat

Cause I'm a Stalker~~~ Da de da da da~~ I'm your Stalker~~~ Da de da da, da, da da~~~

So I'm watching you while you sleep, From your shiny blonde hair to your dainty little feet. Sure it's kinda weird, but i'm here stroking my great big bushy beard.

My great big bushy, Great big Bushy Bearrrd. Something to hold onto in the throes of passion, baaaaby, Something to hold onto in the throes of passion, baaaabyy~ 

Sure I might sleep on a bench, and I kinda smell like the French. But there's no need to be offended, my feelings are well intended.

Cause I'm a Stalker~~~ Da de da da da~~ I'm your Stalker~~~ Da de da da, da, da da~~~

I'm following you~ It's just what i do. Yeah, I'm following you~ Cause that's just what I do~

But now you've given me, The restraining order~ blues, just because i stole a pair Of your shoo~es  (or two)

But was it really all that bad? It's not like I've been calling your mum or your dad. Yeah, I think you'll find... ...they weren't home.

So I'm sitting out here, all alone, watching you, on the telephone, Aw shit, that's the cops, got to run. i'll see you later, bye bye, Hon'.

Cause I'm your Stalker~~~ Da de da da da~~ I'm your Stalker~~~ Da de da da, da, da da~~~

I'm following you~ It's just what i do. Yeah, I'm following you~ Cause that's just what I do~

Cause I'm a Stalker~~~ Da de da da da~~ I'm your Stalker~~~ Da de da da, da, da da~~~

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Who am I?

So, apparently I write like a girl. Or at least two people have been confused over whether I be dude or dudette - Behold the beard (and ignoring the budding breasts), I am man, and, man, I am.

Whilst at first I embraced the anonymity of the internet, and indeed still do. I totally wrote something about it. Is on here somewhere. But on the other hand, I suppose context also flavours things, and perhaps that would be of some interest to see where I was coming from when I bitch and moan about the ugliness of society. If you care about that.

Let not the wise beard of ages fool you, I am 21. I are man. Och aye, ahm a Scot 'n aw, frae the highlands, like.

But I don't talk like that.

Don't know what else people would care to know - I play bass. Badly. Here is a shot from the lengthy self photo shoot to try and make me look pretty and/or cool. I failed.  

Yeah, I'm a bit of a chubber, but it'll keep me warm in the Nuclear Winter, so HAH!

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You need more Jazz Fusion in your life. Don't deny it. Full album here.