I just read your post on love-making and I loved it! Do you have any advice for someone who is young and has never done love-making, and when trying to have gentle sex couldn't seem to get turned on? How can I re learn to be turned on by simple touching and love-making and not just kinky sex?
The lovemaking post you are referring to
I made this not-so-very-good gif of me petting a raspberry to illustrate a few points. I call it the Raspberry Test. See those little hairs on the fruit? They are kinda like the tiny hairs, whether you can see them or not, all over your body. And the raspberry skin is very fragile. Too much pressure and it will break, the juice will bleed out. But here, I touch the raspberry very gently, play with the hairs, and it remains intact.This type of touch should be the baseline for all your play. It starts out with light, gentle fingertips and progresses.
I can’t say why the lovemaking in your situation didn’t turn you on. It might have been that you and your partner weren’t emotionally involved. You might not have spent enough time on each other. He might have been gentle and ‘nice’, but uninvolved e.g. he very gently touched you and fucked you slowly for a few minutes, then very quietly orgasmed and withdrew, nicely going to sleep while you wondered what just happened. There’s all sorts of reasons why it might not have been good for you.
Everyone has a different idea of what “kinky” and “vanilla” means to them. Through it all, there is a common thread. Good sex, amazing sex, is connected. Both partners are present and involved with each other. Kinky sex gets more attention nowadays because, for it to be really good, there is usually some level of passion, intensity, control, and attention- no matter what you are doing. You can have those exact same elements in lovemaking but both partners have to be willing to be connect outside of obvious kink. That’s the problem. Can you emotionally go there.
If you are going to enjoy lovemaking and orgasm from it, you have to spend time together. You have to be with a person that, even if you aren’t deeply in love, is a good person you feel safe with. Someone you can look in the eyes as he is inside you. Someone you want to touch and kiss for the longest time, never ending. Someone who cares about your pleasure, who wants to just enjoy you.
I’ve learned that many people simply have never experienced the elements of good sex, lovemaking or no. If you’ve read any of my erotica, you’ll notice some common themes. I’m going to be very specific here, almost painfully so, in hopes it will help people learn how to interact with each other.
Touch: Start out like a Raspberry Test. Light, almost imperceptible touch. Wake up those nerve receptors that hang out in each skin pore. Raise those goosebumps. Use your fingertips, back of the finger, whole hand. Ignore the erogenous zones. Go for the hidden places. Neck, under the ear, inside of the wrist, between the fingers, side of the breast, collarbone, outside of the hip, the mouth. Yes, the mouth. It gets kissed but rarely touched. Gently touch each other, Raspberry Test to start. Take your time.
Look: While you touch, look at each other. In the eyes. See the reactions. Look where you touch, then back at the eyes. Back and forth. Watch the body, watch the face. Learn what feels good.
Together: Put your hand on top of his and guide him where you want his touch. Kiss and whisper while you do this. Say what feels good. Notice each other’s reactions. Again, ignore the obvious zones. Draw it out. Make yourselves ache for each other.
Mouth: Now you can kiss everywhere your hands have been. Plain kisses with the lips. Then licks, sucks, gentle nibbles, drag your mouth around with the tip of your tongue on the skin. Play with each other. Kiss and whisper. Explore each other. Try to use your mouth in many different ways. Again, no hurry.
Talk: Always say what feels good. If you or he are shy, ask questions. “Does that feel good, baby?” Make observations. “Your neck is all flushed, you must be turned on.” “I see those goosebumps. So sexy.” Ask for more. “That feels so good, don’t stop!” Moan, sigh, gasp. Just be yourself and relax. No hurry, ever.
Travel: Now you can pay attention to the obvious areas. Breasts, cock, pussy. Think slow, deep, gentle, focused movements. Make it last. Explore everything, try different things. Always look at each other during. Hands together, whispering about what you’re doing. Touch, play, bring it to the edge where you have to have each other.
Fucking: This can be in any position but I recommend starting out in missionary so you can look at each other. Take your time. Hold each other and kiss. Touch the mouth, the face, the eyes. Whisper into his ear while you grab his ass and pull him into you. Do what you need to cum- rub your clit, a toy, another position, etc. What will be powerful is the buildup of energy you’ve created through foreplay. The words you’ve said to each other. The whispers while he surges inside you. Your mutual desire to make it last as long as possible.
Emotions: Say the words. Even if you aren’t there yet, say how you are feeling, how he is making you feel. Say it. Don’t be afraid. Tears? Let them happen. Hold her and let her feel. Absorb every bit of each other you can. “I feel so good with you. Yes, right there, feels so good. Please don’t stop. I want to stay inside you forever.”
Aftercare: Doesn’t matter if you’ve spent the afternoon or ten minutes on each other, always ALWAYS do aftercare. Cuddles, whispers, gentle touches, a nap. Just be close. Don’t be afraid of each other. Pet her hair. Rub his neck. Fall asleep on his chest. Be kind to one another.
Lovemaking is slow and intimate. For it to be good, you have to pay attention to each other. You have to spend time and really enjoy what you are doing. Yes, there can be gentle elements of control that would turn on a deeply kinky girl. He holds your hair and looks in your eyes as he fucks you. Tells you where to touch him. Tells you when to cum. Sees you are close and slows down, making you wait for that orgasm. But…you can’t have those elements of control unless you learn each other’s bodies and spend time doing that. How else can he know how you are, how to direct your sexual energy?
You have to Raspberry Test first. Everything else builds from there.
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