scenarios Alfred Pennyworth has to be a witness to as a resident of Wayne Manor that the batkids have absolutely no shame in front of whatsoever part 3 (masterpost here)
*peaceful quiet in the kitchen, Alfred cooking while Tim and Jason chill on their phones at the breakfast bar*
Tim, out of the blue: hey Jay, gotta question for you.
Jason: *hums promptingly*
Alfred: *calmly stirring a pan on the stove*
Tim: would you jerk off a gorilla?
Alfred: *pauses stirring* *refuses to look behind him*
Jason: *hums, remarkably open-minded* can i get more context of the conditions i'd be under?
Alfred, sighing heavily: *slowly begins stirring again*
Tim: like- you know that trend of trying to figure out who would win; 100 men or 1 gorilla?
Tim: well somebody online brought up the strategy of like. whacking it off and then taking it down while it's vulnerable. and i keep thinking about it.
Jason, instant and casual: well s' a natural thing to think about, you're at a very crucial time in your human development. hormones ablaze, nothin' to be ashamed of, Timmy.
Tim, unphased: -shut up, i'm serious. i'm just wondering like, if all of us- bats i mean, if all of us were up against one gorilla and we had to fall back on jerking it. which one of us would take the bullet? like would you do it for us?
Alfred, pointedly, teeth gritted, without turning around: dinner will be ready in twenty minutes, you two.
Jason, sounding slightly confused: yeah we know Alfie, we've been here the whole time- anyway, Tim,
Alfred: *dead-eyed staring forward as they continue talking*
Jason: -in what universe would we have to resort to jerking this thing off? if we're up against a gorilla i'm fucking shooting it in the face harambe style. i've done worse, i can take it.
Tim: no you don't- *sigh* you don't get it. the whole point is that we get no weapons whatsoever, just pure unaided humanity against a formidable angry gorilla.
Jason: we're trained vigilantes?! i don't think we'd have an issue?!
Tim: it's a fucking hypothetical Jason. in a world where we didn't have those skills-
Jason: i'd be dead way before we got to the gorilla- Tim, i know you have that whole hero-worship thing goin' on with me, but you realise that with those skills i lost to just a guy holding a crowbar, right? what makes you think that without the skills i would even make it to the gorilla fight? let alone hold my own against it?
Tim: well no- that's what i'm saying! i'm saying that if you couldn't fight the gorilla, would you whack it-
Jason: -no you're not! you're talking some bullshit about me never having been trained by Batman, and i'm telling you i'd have been fucked way before i ever got to the gorilla. if this is a batskill-less fight then i wouldn't fuckin' be there.
Tim: no but- *groans* you are so finicky- ok so we have the batskills, and you made it to the gorilla fight,
Jason, matter-of-fact: gorilla would be dead within minutes.
Tim: OK BUT WE CAN'T FIGHT IT.
Tim: i don't fuckin' know-!
*footsteps from down the hall*
Tim: there's gotta be some kind of reason that physical combat won't work- oi, Damian, Damian!
Damian, entering the kitchen: hm? Pennyworth, father is wondering what time he should come down from his study for dinner.
Alfred, dead inside: tell him he should probably just stay up there.
Tim: Damian! what would stop you from fighting a gorilla?
Damian: respect for the species, i suppose?
Jason: ok well would respect for the species lead you to jerk off the gorilla?
Alfred: he is thirteen, Master Jason.
Damian, unphased: in what context would a gorilla wish for me to stimulate it sexually?
Jason: in the context of god apparently won't let us fight it.
Tim: that's not what i said-
Jason: i don't understand why we're jerking this thing off. you said in the beginning we were jerkin' it so it would be vulnerable enough for us to take down; but you just said we can't fight it. so at this point we're just subjecting poor little Damian to being this gorilla's concubine for no reason. we're gonna get it vulnerable and then just do nothing about it.
Damian: do i get hand sanitiser for afterwards?
Jason: no, god also took away our tools and weapons- is that your only issue with this?
Tim: NO I'M NOT- i'm not saying we can't fight the gorilla at all, i'm just saying the gorilla has outclassed us and we have to fall back to whacking it off to lower it's abilities!
Damian: in what universe would a gorilla outclass us, we were trained by Batman.
Tim, flat: gorilla was trained by Lady Shiva.
Jason: w- i was trained by Lady Shiva. you were trained by Lady Shiva; for longer than me! you fight the gorilla!
Tim: ok but you understand that if me and the gorilla had the same training but the gorilla is way bigger and way heavier then the gorilla would still win, right? that's why i'm wondering who would whack it off, who would we sacrifice?
Jason: well- Damian, apparently, since his only gripe was 'will i get hand sanitiser afterwards'.
Damian, hissing: i never said i would do it i was just trying to gather more context-
Jason: i mean the question nobody's asking here is would the gorilla even want it?
Jason: i mean, if god locked us up with the gorilla; no tools and no escape, then logically the gorilla is also locked in right? he's just as much a victim as us. why do we gotta resort to sexual warfare? can't we team up with the gorilla to fight god and get out?
Tim, decisive: no the gorilla would be ok with it. the gorilla doesn't care about being locked in, it just wants us all dead. the strategy here is getting the gorilla to fall in love with us.
Damian: regardless of if the gorilla is 'ok' with it, it being locked in without escape is still coercion. we can't do that to the gorilla.
Damian: what do you mean 'i dunno', you're literally the guy who shoots people like that in the alley without hesitation.
Jason: well yeah but that's people-
Damian: SO WITH ANIMALS IT'S OK?
Jason: w- no, hold on NO, NO NO, I DIDN'T MEAN- i hate this fucking conversation, because that's completely out of context and it sounds horrible. i'm just- does it sound horrible to say- Alfie, does it make me horrible to say that if i had to decide between gang-banging a gorilla and the gorilla gang-banging me and my family, that i would choose to gang-bang the gorilla? like it's worst case scenario BUT I STILL FEEL LIKE THAT'S LOGICAL?
Dick, having just entered the room: what the ever-loving fuck are you guys talking about in here?
Jason: ok fuck this- Dick, if you had to whack off a gorilla to save Damian from having to whack off a gorilla, would you do it?
Dick: like for a certain amount of time...? or just-
Tim: to completion. we're killing the gorilla during the post-nut-daze.
Jason: boom, problem solved, we'd send in Nightwing. happy now Tim?
Tim: yeah that makes sense.
Jason: great. Alfie, when did you say dinner would be ready?
Alfred: i really need to retire.
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