Remember back in an older post about me telling you about someone, someday. Well this is that someone.
It was about a year and half ago when we met. I had just been apart of something pretty bad and at this point I was Kinna over everything, I was over dating, I was over men, I was over dating apps. I remember thinking to myself, “wow lol someone did some serious voodoo on my love life..maybe I should just sit on the sidelines for awhile.” So, I had decided to just Kinna be alone. While deleting my POF profile (LOL) I came across his profile. And POF has this feature where if you view someone’s profile, it notifies them. So I told myself, I’m going to view this profile, and if he messages me, I’ll run with it, in the meantime I’m going to deactivate my account tomorrow. So anyways, I wake up the next morning from a message and the rest was history.
Have you ever met someone, with such strong chemistry between y’all two? Have you ever met someone that you could just see yourself loving? Disregard all my past experiences up to this point, I was for the first time ever, even up till today, was I able to say, “wow, good men really do exist.” We spent almost everyday together. I could see myself loving this person so deeply and for once, in a very long time, I let my guard down completely because that’s how safe I felt. Times were great, as we grew to know each other, the days became sweeter, and the future was promising. Before I go further, I don’t ever introduce anyone that I’m dating to my close friends, especially to my best friend. For someone to meet my best friend, means things are getting pretty serious. And I don’t like bringing potential partners around because of how bad things could end. I feel like such a fool to say, “hey this is so and so we are Kinna sorta dating.” Just for them to screw me over like the rest. So I just save the time and embarrassment. With that being said, I always talk about my bff, that’s the other part of me, an important part. And I always like to make sure everyone knows how important he is. So, months go by, and he throws out the idea of meeting my best friend. I was actually very flattered. I was none the less, excited. We planned a trip to Houston, got a hotel, and we went to visit my best friend so they could meet. Everything was great, from then on, I was in a complete state of vulnerability in the best way possible. A month goes by and we celebrated Valentine’s Day, and were on our way to planning another trip to Houston.
It was a Sunday night, and I was studying for a statistics test. The following day, Monday, we were to leave to Houston for a few days, so I was also getting ready for that.
Before I hit you with the one liner, let me say this. I’m a very intuitive person. I’ve been noticing it more and more now. I’m always able to pick up on vibes so easily. I know when things will go bad or good. At this point in my story, I had not a single bad feeling about anything. Looking back it was quite comforting actually.
So back to me studying for a test I had in the morning. I see that he had messaged me, it was about 1 a.m. in the morning. And I open the message. It said: “hey...so I don’t think we should be seeing each other anymore. Me and my ex have decided to get back together.”
....the heartbreak. Was unreal. Up until recently, if I thought about it too long, because I’m a professional over analyzer, my anxiety would go into over drive and I would fall back into a state of emptiness.
For anyone who’s ever been left for someone else, it does something special to you. You feel like nothing. You feel as big as a speck of dirt on someone’s windshield. Your confidence, back at zero. It does a special Kinna damage, really fucks with you.
Of course, I had so many unanswered questions. All he could say was that he was sorry. And all I could say was, to never talk to me again.
For those of you who are reading, I talk about this story above my many stories, because it changed me. I feel like, I can never get that deep with someone. Ever. And it makes me so sad because I don’t wanna be like that emotionally. I have this wall that feels like it can never been torn down, even by me. I want to love someone at some point, I want to give someone the world and happiness they deserve. But it’s so hard to picture when you have constantly been in countless, terrible relationships. So after that, I completely stopped dating for a good 8 months. It was the best 8 months I have had in awhile. Since then, I have found myself again, I have revamped my way of thinking when it comes to relationships, I know more, I’m more aware, and my heart isn’t on my sleeve any longer.
Fast forward to like, now, lol. Him and his ex never got back together and he’s single. According to his friend he regrets ever ruining what we had. But who really knows. Apparently, she was playing mind games and was just running her mouth. But well, shit happens I guess.
So take this as a lesson. Expect the unexpected. Nothing is ever set in stone. My ex of 3 years once said, all men are dogs, some are just better trained. And since he has said that, no one has ever proved him wrong.
