Crystalina

For all intents & purposes...

[iamcrystalina]

[iamcrystalina]

A void.

I’ve never met a version of me I liked.

So deep in my heart do I wish to be contrite

This suffering I ignited might be my last 

A terrible battle I must fight

Until my insides are torn to pieces 

And my sins abashed.

Coming face to face is inconvenient 

Behind a mask, my eyes still see it.

Not with a look though

It’s a shadow in the deepest part of my thoughts.

It’s my own fault.

But I am blessed wherever I walk.

[iamcrystalina]

Unfinished.

I’m sorry I couldn’t come to you.

When you were in danger and didn’t know it

But I tried to call your name.

I wished I could send someone in my place

But this was my fear to engage.

A lump in my throat as I thought of your face.

A pain I couldn’t fathom only escaped by grace.

Still, while all turned out well

I admit there is a deep sorrow I could never tell.

If love could cure this then take my heart to the highest mountain

Please use it to paint the skies, make it bright

If a cloud shall ever form above her again

Squeeze me tight so I’ll fall down on her in love and light. 

[iamcrystalina]

[iamcrystalina]

Plant Yourself Like a Good Tree.

I am not moving from here.

I wish I could stay for a while but maybe a lifetime would suffice

I wish I could plan a trip next year

Far away, somewhere out of my comfort zone.

Feeling like I’m on a mountain so high, I forgot what the world looks like.

But deep at the bottom I see an array of lights

Calling me like it could read my mind.

But I already told you, I am not moving from here.

I am safe and I am peaceful.

For only a short moment I contemplate the world and it’s people.

But I am not moving from here. 

[iamcrystalina]

What's heaven like?

Can I read and write?

Can I chase the sky, a never ending sight?

There is no night for this dream we are seeking.

Since seeing is not believing I'll imagine

All I've ever wanted heaven to be like.

I'll use my heart until I am out of my mind.

[iamcrystalina]

God is Love

Let’s pretend like you’ve come to see me

Suddenly I’m pulled out of my thoughts

The look on your face tells a story of peace

I should let you save me.

I should be grateful.

But my arms have not welcomed you.

My gaze is still lost in the room.

Your presence is bigger than this universe

My tiny space isn’t enough

But you take that all away with a warm hug

Thank you for showing up.

Thank you for your love.

[iamcrystalina]

TTYL

Misunderstanding above all matter

A conversation I’ve had to become the latter

If my amusement is in you

Then I’m a fool and cannot commute

Going here from there and back to nowhere

Moving slowly but the view is still unclear.

I hope time stops at approximately half past eight

So when I arrive unannounced it’s appropriate to ask if I’ve ate.

Maybe you won’t invite me into your house

But take your time & when you’re ready to come outside,

I’ll come back around.

This time with my heart heavy and unable to make a sound.

[iamcrystalina]

There's nothing to be said

but I'll finish this sentence.

This glorious place beyond comprehension.

Time and aggression as an honorable mention.

I won't ask you to come with me.

We'll just dance around the conversation.

Unbalanced culmination of a friendship to a lesson.

[iamcrystalina]

I don't think I can write a happy poem.

I can't think of an introduction

I'm not happy and I'm not sad

But I'm not numb.

I know I don't belong in this space

Maybe writing won't help me relate

Fate chose me but the dust in this world doesn't even know where we're from.

Using my mouth or my mind, I'm skeptical of myself

I can't finish this, I'm wasting my time.

[iamcrystalina]

When I opened my eyes today

I thought I would suffocate.

Waiting for the sun to shine

Alive and misty eyed

I grit my teeth & the angels cried.

Begging for me to amount to something

On days like this I know They are suffering.

I dragged my feet through every part of this house.

Like a straight A student, my tongue stay muted

But I'm not sleep deprived from studying all night

Taking notes of every high and every low

So when I'm tested I'll be ready

Making sure not to lose my soul.

[iamcrystalina]

On the way back home

I've lost the best of me, all memories

Blank, with scars as deep as my bones.

But everything I need is in there

Waiting like stillness in the air.

Though my journey is not uncharted

A welcoming heart I haven't forgotten.

Thank God for safe ways so if I get lost

I have no one to blame.

[iamcrystalina]

Traffic lights burn while no one is watching.

Even when someone is stopping they don't wonder

How many hours has it been throbbing.

Naked to the eye we all, too, expire through the night.

We are a lesser light

So I chase a new one and increase my speed

I've upgrade to 3 new lights chasing me.

Flashing back & forth like it's calling my dreams

And they caught up to me

So I burned too bright and made you uncomfortable

Let a new flame put me out to lighten the mood.

[theintrovertnation]

[iamcrystalina]

Took a while

I swear this isn't a metaphor about my mind but picture this in real time. I glance in the mirror so often, it prevents me from crying. I think I'm less lonely this way. But then I see all the flaws in my face and watch my beauty fade. I think I'm better off in here than outside anyway. Created this space in vain. If beauty is pain, how much time do I waste in recovery?

[iamcrystalina]

Hole sum

Beauty in the wrong place

Humble hearts double in size covering up mistakes. 

Does she walk on the bright side

- or should she run in place?

What it looks like on the outside 

Would be devastated if I have to stay.

[iamcrystalina]

finally got this out;

Wow, I'm lost.

How could you avoid it in the dark?

Admitting I had no idea where I was but gaining more understanding of my flaws.

Though I wish I had more control over my thoughts.

That's where the problems really are:

leave me in a room long enough and that's where they start.

In my truest form - being alone

But reality isn't an advocate of MY truth 

Mind you, we're formed in a woman called mom.

So where did this loneliness come from?

The womb couldn't prepare us for such a conundrum.