I Am Dr. Dominant

First, this is not a porn blog. If that is your thing, you may wish to move on. What you will find here is meaningful content detailing My thoughts and experiences as the Dominant to @exasperatingbutnot (ebn) on the beautiful dynamics of Dominance and submission.   My writings provide insight about Me, My general thoughts on D/s, including my responses to The Dominant Prompts. Somtimes I write directly to/for/about ebn - inclusive of original poetry or comment to ebn's posts. I also have series called A Day in the Life of a LD D/s Couple that chronicles many of the day to day interactions between ebn and I. I collect D/s oriented music, unique erotic art, answer your questions, and reblog a few writings from others that I find extraordinary.   Finally, it is worth noting I do have a penchant for spankings and so these images are sprinkled in throughout; this is for my pleasure, not yours.   NSFW; 18+ please.

[iamdrdominant]

How to back up your Tumblr before the porn ban

How to back up your Tumblr before the porn ban

Public Service Announcement from IADD🌪 (December 8, 2018)

[iamdrdominant]

Time For a Break

I sat down at My computer Sunday evening, May 27th to write a post that has been in my head for some time and the words never came. I am never one who is lost for words but I was last night and this was a clear sign for Me. I mentioned this to @exasperatingbutnot​ and told her that I thought it was time to take a break from My writing. I could tell she was struggling with this message and then she made a suggestion, “Can You write about Your comment that we are so much more than just a D/s Couple?” That seemed like a good suggestion and so I did. And the words began to flow.

For those who follow My blog and/or ebn’s blog, you know this most recent period has been a rough one for us. We are currently struggling to keep us alive. Our relationship itself remains strong but the distance between us has continued to grow - from 4 miles in year one, to 938 miles in year two, and now 3,125 miles as we navigate year three. In the end, I believe we will succeed in maintaining us. A love like ours is that once in a lifetime kind of love. One does not let that go easily and I believe neither she nor I will give up on us - and certainly not easily.  

But all of this wears on a person and I am emotionally exhausted. I am mentally tired and I need a break. When the words don’t flow, it is time to stop. And so, I am taking a break from writing for a while. I have an active mind and it needs rest. I still have much more to say regarding My views on Dominance and submission, but for now, I am mentally spent and need some time to focus on closing this distance and saving My relationship with ebn. I considered continuing to post the eight completed posts in My drafts, but I just don’t have it in Me. They will just have to wait until I return; and they may not even be appropriate when I return. 

At present, I can’t say when I will start writing again. The last time I took a break, it lasted three months. For My followers, to be clear, I am not deactivating My account, I am just pushing the “pause button” for a bit. I will still be around (behind the scenes) in Tumblrville reading and learning from others. Feel free to message Me from time to time if you like. Be assured, I will still check-in on some of you as well. I will still be around to answer questions that are sent to me. I just will not be actively writing and posting original content.

Finally, I wish to thank all of you who have sent well wishes and positive thoughts our way. ebn and I are very appreciative. Wishing all of you in Tumblrville the best. I’ll be back in a bit...

-IADD🌪 (© May 28, 2018)

[springtimesunrises]

IamDrDominant and I have been a couple for approximately 26 months. I was brand new to this type of relationship. IADD had some experience. We have been a D/s couple for about 24 of those months. We have gone from living 4 miles apart to 980 miles apart, to now 3,000 miles apart. Our relationship has been"challenging". We’ve experienced AMAZING highs during our “anchor trips” and HORRENDOUS lows. To say I’m struggling with the idea of this new distance is an understatement. I’m really in the depths of hell. I am not a long distance woman. I’m needy. I need the type of attention that is difficult to maintain with distance and time differences. One major factor keeping me on the fight for us is the undeniable fact that I LOVE IADD. I can’t imagine not having HIM in my life, even if it is at a distance. However, while I fight the struggle of being in a long distance relationship, I’ve realized I can’t be in a long distance relationship and in a D/s relationship. Not right now. Am I still submissive? Is IADD still Dominant? Absolutely! I told IADD that I needed to step back from that part of us. I can’t focus on accepting the enormity of the distance and being the submissive He knows and wants and the submissive I feel He deserves. His response to me was “I understand. No issues… You and I are more than that. I think more is at stake here. I hope we get through the key hole…”. I avoided Him most of the morning, afraid He would take the Dominant role with me, while I knew I wasn’t feeling submissive. After we had our “brutally honest, open, nonjudgmental conversation” we spent a few hours on the phone just chatting. We are not in a secure place right now. But, we are a couple. Right now, a long distance couple. I wasn’t completely sure that stepping back was the right thing to do. But laying in bed tonight, alone and sad, I found two quotes;

“An arrow can only be short by pulling it backwards. When life is pulling you back with difficulties, just imagine it is going to launch you into something great.” “Moving forward sometimes requires you to take a step back.” I am not stepping back from John. I am stepping back from IADD. Trying to find a way to move forward again. *Note: when I woke up this morning and reread it before posting it, I had to chuckle. My first chuckle in several days… I realized when I wrote this last night, I automatically capitalized any reference to IADD…. Some habits are ingrained. 🏹💘

[iamdrdominant]

More Than Just a D/s Couple

I have a tremendous appreciation for the power exchange lifestyle that invokes Dominance and submission. The clearly defined structure. The unambiguous roles. The demand of discipline. The transparent communication. The articulated expectations. The personal accountability. The nonjudgemental acceptance. The unparalleled intimacy. From My perspective, when done right, though misunderstood by many it may be, Dominance and submission is a healthy interaction that can contribute to forming and maintaining a meaningful relationship, and if the partners desire, a loving relationship as well.

With that said, @exasperatingbutnot and I are presently in the fight of our lives. We are fighting to save us. Not the D/s us, but the relationship us. We are not fighting to maintain the Dominant and submissive that is us. We are fighting to save the couple that is us. We are fighting to save John and Raven - because John and Raven are so much more than just Dominant and submissive. We are partners. We are friends. We are confidants. We are companions. We are lovers. We are a TEAM. As such, we rely on each other. We confide in each other. We support each other. We help each other. I help Raven with confidence. she helps Me with balance. I help her set boundaries. she helps Me emote empathy. We are vastly different, but we truly are complementary to one another. We help each other be our best. We are more than mere Dominant and submissive. We are soulmates.

Our goal now is to survive long enough to get the 3,125 miles that currently separate us out of the way. Doing so is not complicated but it is not easy either. If we are successful, we thrive. We return to being soulmates living that wonderful and fulfilling D/s lifestyle I described in my opening paragraph. If we fail, we end. We live our separate lives as soulmates lost. We both know the stakes are high. Regardless of where we end up, I will always say we are/were our best as a D/s couple. It is just who we are. But I will also always say we are/were absolutely more than just a D/s couple. We are soulmates.

-IADD🌪 (© May 28, 2018)

[iamdrdominant]

What are some characteristics that separate a dominant from a submissive?

(Generalized) Characteristics of Dominants and submissives

Dear Anonymous, from the nature of your question, I surmise you do not know much about the D/s lifestyle. This is not an indictment, but rather an observation. I applaud you for seeking information and I am happy to share with you My perspective regarding your question. Before I do, however, I would like to encourage you to continue your information gathering efforts particularly if you are interested in pursuing this lifestyle. It is not for the faint of heart. While these relationships are extremely rewarding, they are equally challenging and often judged negatively by the greater society. Ironically, I believe this “misjudgment” comes from a lack of what you are seeking – a basic understanding of what it means to be a Dominant and a submissive living a D/s lifestyle.  

With that said, the easy way to address your question is with basic definitions that offer characteristics of each term. I provide these below. However, you took the time to submit your question to Me, and so I feel compelled to take some time and provide more to you than Google definition data. Thus, in addition, I will offer you My personal assertion of “the” 5 innate needs / characteristics of Dominants and “the” 5 innate needs / characteristics submissives. I put “the” in quotation marks because these are simply My beliefs and may not  (and in all likelihood, do not) all apply to all Dominants nor all submissives.  Finally, I will point you to writings – some from Me and some from other Dominants and submissives – that have sought to capture behaviors and/or characteristics of Dominants and submissives. The links to the referenced posts are included and the opinions expressed in those posts are those of the authors. With this, you should leave this “answer” post with a good understanding of some of the characteristics of a Dominant and a submissive.

Finally, I need to say the information here is by no means all inclusive. I encourage you to also seek answers to this question from other Dominants and submissives as they will undoubtedly have different views, perspectives and opinions.

Below is the definition of dominant from Google definition data:

So by definition, to be Dominant is to be important, powerful, influential, ruling, commanding, supreme, and authoritative.

The definition of submissive from Google definition data is below.

To be submissive is to be compliant, yielding, acquiescent, obedient, and dutiful.

Those are the textbook definitions. But being a Dominant or a submissive is so much more than those simple definitions.

What I Say About Dominants and submissives

In My post  The Psyche of a Dominant, I list My five basic needs (i.e characteristics) that led me to the D/s lifestyle – My need to lead, guide, support, protect, and control.  To sum, My need to lead others is rooted in wanting to help others reach their full potential. I need to lead because I am fulfilled by helping others reach their maximum potential. I need to guide because I want those around me – those in My life – to see more than I have seen, experience more than I have experienced, do more than I have done, and be better than I ever was. I have a general need to support those who and that which matter most to Me to ensure they are well, successful, and do not suffer in any way whatsoever. I have an inherent need for equality and equal treatment of all people. This sounds altruistic, I know, but as a result, I desire to protect those more vulnerable than Me. I have an utter disdain for uncertainty. I hate surprises; they represent uncertainty. I am convinced My need for control arises from My need to minimize the level of uncertainty in My life.

I am not a submissive and so I cannot speak knowledgeably from the mindset of a submissive.  But I read a lot of what submissives write and listen intently to my submissive, @exasperatingbutnot, who has enlightened me through her own journey of self-awareness. Additionally, I have had other submissives in the past from whom I have learned as well. So while I may not be a submissive, I think I understand the submissive psyche fairly well. With that said, I believe there are certain core psychological needs (i.e characteristics) that most, if not all submissives possess.They are in no particular order (and may not be limited to) the need to give, the need to please, the need for safety, the need to trust, and the need to follow. Giving and pleasing are linked but are distinctly different. Giving centers on deriving value from offering support so that others may benefit. Pleasing focuses on deriving value from helping others feel good. Trust is interlinked with feeling safe. Both influence vulnerability. Following is about personal freedom - from decision making, from worry. It is about “breathing” and just letting go. (Excerpt from my post, The Science of D/s)

What Dominants Say About a Dominant’s Characteristics

@dominantacademy posted an article entitled Qualities of the Dominant that listed traits of a Dominant. These were trustworthy, honest, communicative, disciplined, knowledgeable, flexible, and committed.

Additionally, I have written several articles sharing additional views on Dominance. Me and I am Easy. Easy is Me both describe My personality characteristics in great detail. Of course, not all Dominants are like me, but these posts do offer a view into the Dominant I know best. I have written Introducing the iDom, a post that suggests Dominants are (or at least should be) individuals of intelligence, intuition, influence, and inspiration. Finally, I have authored The Gift, which offers other characteristics of Dominance such as being stress relieving, comforting, purposeful, and fulfilling to a submissive.

A submissive’s perspective on Traits of a Dominant

@bdsmbeautifullybound​ posted an article entitled How to Spot a Dominant sourced from http://www.bdsmdigest.com/ that suggested Dominants possess the following characteristics: respectfulness, balance, depth, competence, pace and are communicative and consistent.

How Dominants describe Their Ideal submissive Characteristics

My post, A Strong submissive Needs a Stronger Dominant gives My perspective on some of the traits I have seen in submissives – being meekly fierce, loathing conflict, disliking confrontations, not being boastful, and “sometimes” lacking confidence but yet having personal strength. In My post she is all sub, I note characteristics of giving, serving, being smart and multidimensional as submissive characteristics. Finally in My Ideal submissive Personality, I describe characteristics I prefer in a submissive - intelligence, awareness (of self and others), sincerity, determined, communicative, service-oriented, and meek.

In answering the same Mini Prompt that led to My Ideal submissive Personality, @messyhairmaster describes empathy, shyness, and an ability to command a crowd as submissive characteristics He seeks.

What submissives say about submissive Characteristics

@fuckmethroughthesheets offered a post that gave 10 reasons she was a submissive. Among them were the enjoyment of serving and pleasing another, craving structure, needing guidance when off-track, wanting accountability and a bi-directional, give and take relationship and finally, and enjoyment of being told no.

@submissive-housewife​ posted a piece that described how to tell if a girl is submissive that listed her views on the characteristics of a submissive. In summary, a submissive likes gentlemen, can be feisty, is a good listener, will follow other’s lead and decisions, is eager to please, and enjoys traditional gender roles to name a few.

Again, I wish to emphasize this is not an exhaustive list of characteristics of Dominants and submissives, but rather personal perspectives from a handful of Tumblrville writers who have written on this topic. Ask a different handful of writers for their views and you will get a different set of characteristics. Nevertheless, I hope this helps you in your quest for learning and understanding. Please feel free to ask Me other questions about the lifestyle if you wish.

For those whose posts I have referenced, I have tried to summarize your content accurately. If you feel I have misrepresented your comments, please let Me know and I will happily modify and/or remove your reference and content accordingly.

-IADD🌪 (© May 27, 2018)

[iamdrdominant]

Differences

I am black and you are white. We are as different as night and day (no pun intended). If we were cats, I would be a lion - big, strong, and bold; you would be a cheetah - demure, sleek, and slight. If we were blades, I would be an ax - blunt, heavy, and masculine. you, on the other hand, would be a scalpel - sharp, light, and precise. We are different and I like it that way.

you are shy. I am sociable. you are introverted. I am extroverted. you are artsy. I am analytical. you are a northerner. I am a southerner. Our differences even go beyond our physical presence and extend to our likes, personalities, and beliefs as well. you like sweet white wines. I like heavy dark reds. you like to “go with the flow”. I like to plan meticulously. you believe in God. I don’t; I believe in science. you like to help others. I like to help you. We are vastly different, you and I, and that’s OK because I like it that way.

you are a submissive. I am a Dominant. you need to please. I need to control. you need to feel safe. I need to protect. you need to give. I need to guide. you need to trust. I need to support. you need to follow. I need to lead. We are different, you and I, and I like it that way.

you heed My guidance and follow My direction. That makes you feel relieved; it makes Me feel important. you ask for My help which gives Me the opportunity to place you above all others to help you. This makes you feel important and makes Me feel valued. Relieved and important for you. Important and valued for Me. We are different, but in many regards, we need and feel the same. I like that too. 

-IADD🌪 (© May 25, 2018)

[springtimesunrises]

I'm white!???

I’m laying on the bed, @iamdrdominant is sensually sucking on my freshly painted red toes.

I’m watching Him. He seems to be in Dom space. My mind wanders… I notice the contrast against his dark face…

“Wow! I didn’t realize I was so white…!”

[iamdrdominant]

When White Meets Black

It was a funny yet fascinating moment. “Wow! I didn’t realize I was so white…!” she said. I believe My response was, “What?! Seriously?!” Later in the afternoon, while still laying in bed, I placed My very dark hand on her very white thigh and commented, “Wow! I didn’t realize I was so black...”! she busted out laughing.

We readily acknowledge this very basic difference between she and I - she being white and Me being black. We routinely discuss race and family, race and the justice system, race and politics, race and the education system, race and essentially everything. We talk openly about these things because we are of different races.

Some in our society say this difference matters. But does it really matter? I say no. she does too. For us, those who think this are the people who don’t matter. Scientifically speaking, differences in skin color are simply "evolutionary adaptations to the varying intensity of ultraviolet radiation in different parts of the world."(1) What matters is she is a woman and I am a Man. she is submissive and I am Dominant. she wants to follow and I need to lead. she is intelligent and highly capable and so am I. she loves Me and I love her. For us, this is all that matters when white meets black.

-IADD🌪 (© May 21, 2018)

(1) The Biology of Skin Color by Penn State University anthropologist Dr. Nina Jablonski.

[iamdrdominant]

What’s in a Name?

I have not written a Tumblr post since September 3, 2017 – over 3 months ago. That one was titled, “There But Not There: The Ups and Downs of a Being Long Distance Dominant” That last post hit Me hard.  I needed to take a break from Tumblr after writing it. You see my Tumblrville cohorts, Tumblr is a mindset for me. It is a means of expression. That September 3rd post dealt with the difficulties of being a long distant Dominant to the most precious submissive planet earth has to offer, @exasperatingbutnot (ebn). Unfortunately, I am still a long distant Dominant; and ebn is still a long distant submissive.

We both struggle with the distance that separates us. she wants to be my full-time submissive. I want to be her full-time Dominant. The D/s dynamic between us is there. It is real. But it is hard to manage with 938 miles between us.

ebn and I were chatting today, and she asked Me a question that (literally) inspired Me to return to Tumblr. I think this surprised her.  Remember, Tumblr is a mindset for Me – an expression of Dominance and submission. Her question?

“Does having a title such as Master, Sir, Daddy, Maestro, King, Dominus, Papi, or Diva versus John (not my real name) matter to you or is it indifferent?”

Let Me be clear, I am NO Diva.  Ebn, however, likes to say I have Diva-like qualities. I think NOT.  Nevertheless… for the sake of this discussion, I include Diva because she said it.

Before I get to my response, I need to provide context. ebn and I once lived 3.9 miles from each other. she is inherently submissive. I believe she has always been “a submissive”. she learned to embrace and accept BEING “a submissive” in her relationship with me. We both know that once life gets out of our way and we start our life together, we will return to the D/s lifestyle we both crave – with Me being her Dominant and her being My submissive.  For now, we struggle.  With her question, I believe ebn was searching for a way to help Me deal with the distance between us.  she’s sweet.

This is what I told ebn in response to her question.

“I am a Dominant. I know this. I am comfortable with this at this stage in my life. I love you.  You are it for me. I desperately want to be your Dominant. Nothing would make Me happier. I know for an ironclad fact you want Me as your Dominant; I know this. But until we can be THAT couple, John is fine. Does it please Me for you to call Me Master or Sir versus John, oh my gosh, yes. It tells Me you see, view, acknowledge, and respect Me as your Dominant. But I can’t really be that like I want to nor like you need Me to be right now. So, for now, I am happy to be your John. Being John means I still have you in my life and that is good enough for now.  We can revisit names and titles when we are THAT couple.”

This caused Me to think, what’s in a name? Do I need to be called Sir?  Master? Daddy? Dominus? Am I a Dominant in need of a title? Is that what defines Me as a Dominant? I am one for process, protocol, and procedure. I like structure, discipline, and order. But not when it comes to titles; not where names are concerned. I believe these are earned and should be a natural part of the D/s dynamic. I could insist ebn call Me this, that, or the other. And she would because she wants to please. But it would feel forced. I don’t want forced. I want natural. I want easy. I want comfortable. Natural service. Easy service. Comfortable service. I don’t want forced service. So often I read how a “Dominant” will insist of being called “Sir” or “Master” soon after meeting a submissive. I often ask why?  I think it is insecurity. I am not insecure. My view is expectations are commanded.  Actions are commanded.  Behaviors are commanded. Titles, on the other hand, are earned, not commanded. So, I allow her to choose how she references Me based on how she feels. Sometimes I am John. Other times I am Sir. Occasionally, I am Master. More recently, I have become Daddy. And if that is the way she sees me, so be it!

We continue to evolve in our relationship. I am her Dominant. she is my submissive. Deep down we know this – even if we no longer live 3.9 miles apart. Who needs a name?  Not me; I have her thoughts. I have her mind. I have her desires. I have her heart. I have her.

I have the woman. That is enough for Me.

-IADD🌪 (© December 11, 2017)

[iamdrdominant]

Balance

This Prompt question hits home for Me. I have touched on this subject before in My January 3rd post entitled The Value of a Strong submissive. However, because of its importance, I am compelled to circle this wagon again, but this time, from a different perspective.

While My prior post was not written specifically to address this or any other Prompt, it does essentially answer this question with a few specific examples; @exasperatingbutnot​ helps Me stay grounded, honest, healthy, and through her submission, helps keep Me accountable, respectful and Dominant. she inspires (i.e. helps) Me be My best. With this said, I do not necessarily look TO her to help Me in these areas. This “help” just happens naturally. However, there is one specific area where I do actively seek her assistance and this is in keeping me BALANCED.

In Congruence, I give a description of Me through ebn’s lens. “she regularly tells Me I am an intense individual with tornado-like qualities in that she describes Me as a force to be reckoned with, particularly if I start swirling, or worse, spinning. By this, she means I get a combined laser-like focus and unyielding determination to do what needs to be done. I am self-aware enough to know that when this happens, I tend to stop at nothing to accomplish whatever task is in front of Me, sometimes leaving a train of (I think [mostly] minor) destruction in My wake.”

In The Problem Solver, I described Myself as follows: I am a tornado and I tend to approach most things aggressively and thoroughly - sometimes too aggressively, perhaps. I want what I want when I want it and so I am probably not as cautious as others when solving problems.

In Rain on Me, it was  “… a raging storm of twisting humanity…”

In 80 Hours in Montreal (Day 2), I described ebn and I in this way. “I am a tornado. she is a gentle breeze. I am firm. she is flexible. I am direct. she is diplomatic.”

I am sure you are seeing a trend here. I have a “swirl” quality to me. However, I am self-aware, and therefore I am not reckless - she would not tolerate reckless. But, because of her gentle, empathetic, and diplomatic nature and My self-acknowledged tenancy to “spin”, I DO look to ebn to help Me maintain BALANCE.

In I am Easy. Easy is Me, I speak in detail about my personality. My world is black and white - digital if you will; I don’t do shades of gray. I don’t do middle ground very well, either. I don’t tolerate idiots. I tend not to deal with the nonsensical nor the illogical. ebn helps Me see the shades of gray in My black and white world. she helps Me identify compromise/middle ground when I must. she helps Me find the empathy that IS buried within Me when dealing with others. she helps Me seek sense in the nonsensical. she helps Me discover logic in the illogical. In a nutshell, she helps me most by bringing BALANCE to My life.

-IADD🌪 (© May 16, 2018)

[iamdrdominant]

I am Easy. Easy is Me

I am a Dominant. I have high expectations of Myself and equally high expectations of others. Unfortunately, more often than not, I am disappointed in the actions and/or behavior of others. @exasperatingbutnot “often” tells Me that My expectations are stringent (My word; she calls them unreasonable) and that not everyone lives by the same standards that I do. In response, I “often” remind ebn that I am easy - easy to deal with, easy to satisfy, and easy to please. As you may have deduced  by now, ebn disagrees with Me on this point and “often” responds to My assertion of being easy by telling Me I am anything but easy. It was out of one of these conversations that this post was born. I decided to lay out My supporting arguments in prose for her to reconsider her assessment.

IADD: (via phone) Would you like to see the artwork for My next post? I just finished it.

ebn: Sure.

IADD: (sends the “easy button” artwork displayed above).  My title is, “I am easy. Easy is Me.”

ebn: (laughs)

IADD: What is so funny?

ebn: It isn’t true!

IADD: What do you mean it isn’t true? I am “easy peasy.”

ebn: No! You’re not! John (not My real name), You are many things; easy is not one of them. 

IADD: Why do you say that? Yes, I am straight forward. Yes, I expect a lot. But everyone always knows where they stand with Me. Thus, I am easy.

ebn: John, there is nothing easy about You. If you don’t believe me, ask Your mother if she thinks You are easy. Ask Your sister if she thinks You are easy. Ask Your daughter if she thinks You are easy. Ask Your ex-wife if she thinks You are easy. You are adorable and I love You, but, You are not easy.

IADD: Hmmm… Well, I am going to write My post anyway because I think I am easy. 

ebn: Ok, You do that. I can’t wait to see it. When You do, I will write a response to set the record straight because You are NOT easy.

With that said, here goes…

I have always thought of Myself as easy. Simple and easy; that’s Me.  Admittedly, I am consistent and firm in behavior, direct and straight-forward in communication, structured and disciplined in approach. I will also acknowledge that I am “challenged” by anything that is nonsensical and/or illogical, people who or activities that waste My time, and poor customer service. Also, I don’t do well with idiots, narcissists, those who are disrespectful, nor those who project their personal biases onto others. Finally, I like clearly defined action plans that include completion timelines. That’s Me in a nutshell. But, surely these things do not  make Me “not” easy. From My perspective, they simply make Me consistent, firm, direct, straight-forward, structured, disciplined and intolerable of that which is nonsensical and/or illogical, time wasters, poor service providers, idiots, narcissists, people who are rude, and bigots. Surely, that’s not all bad, especially since I am generally polite in My dealings with others, including those I detest. Besides, My action planning makes Me efficient. That has to be good for something!

Because of their service orientation, restaurants are a terrific example to explore this further. I am absolutely easy to please when in a restaurant. All that needs to happen to satisfy Me is those in the restaurant need to do what they are supposed to do. It really is just that easy. Easy peasy, in fact. But what often happens is My patronage is taken for granted in some way and this I will not accept.  Here are a few examples.

I take My steaks medium-rare. Anything beyond medium goes back to the kitchen as often as necessary until they get it right.

I hate lemon in my water and always request ice water - no lemon. If I am brought water with a lemon, I decline the glass and remind the server of My request for water with no lemon.

Servers with attitudes have their managers told not to send them back to My table. I leave it to the manager to find an alternative solution.

I am always polite but I never settle for mediocrity. I am easy to please when in a restaurant. All the staff has to do is what they are supposed to do. It is just that simple.

Below are a few more examples.

I hate the use of the word “try”. Trying to Me only represents effort and effort may or may not produce results. I am action oriented and results driven. My vernacular choice is, “do” rather than, “try”. Trying tells Me nothing. Moreover, I despise unbounded commitments. If someone commits to competing a task but can’t tell Me when they will complete it, that is the same as telling Me they may or may not honor their commitment because open ended tasks may or may get completed. Simply tell Me what you will do and when you will do it and I am satisfied.  See… easy peasy.

I prefer things to be digital - meaning black or white (i.e. no gray), on or off, in or out, 0s or 1s, please. One is either pregnant or not. There is no such thing as “half-pregnant”. ebn, on the other hand, tells Me all the time, my digital world is unrealistic - that the real world is a blend of shades of gray. I will explore this last point further in my post tomorrow. Nevertheless, I strive for digital clarity in all things at all times. In fairness, I am not always able to achieve this level of clarity, but I definitely push for it and in doing so I push others to be this clear when dealing with Me. As you may have ascertained by now, I despise ambiguity and uncertainty. Be clear with Me and I am happy. Once again, easy peasy.

Lastly, I utterly dislike the phrase, “I don’t know”, particularly when I know the person I am speaking to really does know the answer to the question I am asking. I am astute enough to recognize that “I don’t know” is often code for “I prefer not to talk about this right now”. Sometimes I accept this answer and sometimes I do not depending on situation or circumstances. In either case, I aim for clarity of communication in the moment or at a later time. “I don’t know” is never left unchecked. Easy peasy.

So, let’s summarize: As long as you are not an idiot, a narcissist, a person characterized by having race, gender, religious, nor ability biases, or disrespectful; you don’t waste My time, you don’t present nonsensical nor illogical ideas or conclusions to Me, you do more than simply try and actually do what you say you will do when you say you will do it, are crystal clear in your communications with Me, and don’t tell me “I don’t know” when you really do know, I am easy and easy is Me.

-IADD🌪 (© May 15, 2018)

[iamdrdominant]

What are your thoughts on being in a relationship with a diagnosed, therapy seeking sex addict? (Not necessarily a D/s relationship). I am really into this guy but he told me recently he is a sex addict, seeks therapy once a month, but lies to his therapist about taking his medication bc he doesn’t like the feeling he gets when on them....

Dear Anonymous, first, thank you for your question. Givenits nature – that being one associated with a psychological behavioral healthcondition characterized by neurochemical imbalances – I think you are betterserved by seeking guidance from a licensed psychological clinical practitionerwhose expertise is dealing with sex addicts and partners of sex addicts. Short of that, a quick internet search with the terms “being in a relationship with a sex addict” will yield a generous amountof easily interpreted search results that will provide you with information from “experts”on the impact(s) of being involved with a sex addict. To get you started, hereis a list of FAQs forPartners of Sex Addicts that was published on https://psychcentral.com in 2016.

What I am more comfortable commenting on is yourcomment regarding his lying. Great that he told you about his sex addition. Notgreat that he is lying to his therapist regarding his treatment protocol. If Iwere in your situation, this would concern me. Perhaps you can encourage him tobe as open with his therapist as he is with you because his therapist cannot treat what his therapist does not know. With full disclosure, histherapist may be able to modify his treatment protocol to mitigate the “sideeffects” of the prescribed therapy. Best of luck to you and yourpartner.

-IADD🌪 (© May 14, 2018) 

[iamdrdominant]

Tumblr Porn is NOT Dominance & submission

Yesterday (Sunday, May 13) was no different than any other day. Upon waking, I did a quick check of my Google feed to make sure the earth was still rotating effortlessly on its axis. It was. Check. Ordinarily I check my email, but since it was Sunday, I put that off for later. Check. I did a quick scan of my overnight Tumblr notifications; my latest (somewhat controversial) post is still getting notes. Check. Finally, I started scrolling through my Tumblr feed looking for stories or images I could relate to and perhaps learn from. I found very few. Instead, I was bombarded by pornography - and lots of it - and all of it posing as D/s. No check. 

I continued scrolling for what seemed like forever. Every so often, I saw something and commented to Myself, “Yep, that’s it.” But more often than not, I commented, “good grief”, “that’s ridiculous”, or “how absurd”. Most of what I saw bore no resemblance to the real world of D/s with which I am familiar. In fact, if one were to take my Tumblr feed from yesterday morning as the D/s gospel, then one would be inclined to believe: 

submissives readily and eagerly yield to aggressively violent full penile anal penetration. I am no expert here, particularly on the receiving end, but shouldn’t this hurt? Maybe I am wrong, but I would think pile driving someone’s anus like that routinely displayed on Tumblr would hurt!

submissives eagerly deep throat and completely swallow fully hard cocks with remarkable ease. Again, I can’t speak to the “giving” side of this act, but I do wonder why the Tumblr portrayal of submissives never struggle, choke or gag? Things that makes you go, hmmm?

submissives stop “growing” at age 18, stop aging at age 25 and have flawless (i.e. airbrushed quality) skin. Don’t quote Me on this, but I am pretty darn sure that since there are more women over age 30 versus under age 30, and since women tend to become more self-confident and comfortable with age, there must be more submissives over age 30 than under age 30. And no one regardless of age is THAT perfect.

submissives routinely prance around in 5 inch heels to accentuate their birthday suits or scantily clad in lace birthday suits. Who walks around naked in 5 inch heels? Again, I am no expert in kneeling, but why would anyone want to kneel while wearing spike heels? Seriously?

submissives bend like pretzels and swing from the rafters shibari-style. Who am I to say? Perhaps some of you s-types out there are super flexible, flying dare-devils. I could be wrong here, but I am guessing the majority of you, however, are not.

Now, lets move to the left side of the slash.  

Dominants prefer to dress in French (Double) cuff shirts as they “Dominate” those flawless, 5 inch heel clad submissives. Really? I wear shirts with French (Double) cuffs in My professional life. Trust me, I am not wearing them when I am doing My Dom thing. This is absurd.

Dominants don a black custom tailored suits (with French cuffs, of course) when “handling” a submissive. This one makes me laugh. I wear suits to work. I tend not to wear a suit during My intimate moments of Dominance. Why would anyone want to? This is just crazy!

Dominants keep their submissives dutifully at their feet, licking said Dominant’s  fully clothed crotch, clutching His suit pant leg in awe of the Oh Mighty One, or bowing so close to His spit-shined shoes, she may as well kiss them instead of Him. I have no words. Just shaking My head. Just shaking My head.

Dominants are experts at decorating their submissives in the most elaborate, runway worthy shibari rope designs. Some of you D-types may have this level of command of the rope. If you do, you are more skilled than Me because I certainly don’t. As stated in Bound, rope has a functional purpose for Me. 

Dominants all have the hardened, chiseled body of an ancient Greek god - complete with “six-pack” abdominals, of course. Well, I am sure I don’t have to twist any arms to convince you that not all Doms frequent the gym nor have six-pack abs. On the contrary, I am sure many carry a spare tire or two and are just as Domly as the next guy. Just saying…

To be clear, My purpose here is not to initiate an anti-Tumblr porn campaign. To this, I say each His and/or her own. In fact, I have My own collection of Tumblr “porn” which I collect for Me on My Spanking page and My Art Collection page. However, it would be nice to see more real life depictions of Dominance and submission on Tumblr. These are sophisticated relationships with complex and fulfilling dynamics. Let’s do them justice and represent them more appropriately. 

These are My thoughts on the subject. Perhaps I am out in left field all alone on this one, and if so, I am OK with that. I would love to see your thoughts in the comments.

-IADD🌪 (© May 14, 2018)

[iamdrdominant]

1,000+ Followers, 10 Months of Writing, 112 Posts and Still More to Say...

Wow! 1,000 followers! Who would have thought? Certainly not Me! Trust Me, I was amazed when I crossed the 500 follower threshold back on January 23rd. Now to have crossed the one thousand mark is remarkable.

I write primarily for @exasperatingbutnot, slowly exposing more of Myself to her through My writings. This helps her understand Me. It helps her be vulnerable to Me. It helps us be us. On occasion, I write for or about Me. With these mostly introspective posts, I seek to plow through the storm and unravel the puzzle that is Me. In some cases, I write for you, the reader, sharing our stories in the hopes that someone out there who may be struggling in a similar way finds solace in ebn’s and My experiences. And then there are times I write to enlighten and/or educate - to help those who may know or perhaps may not know they need educating on the dynamics of Dominance and submission. Of course, I am no expert on D/s, but I am willing to share what I have learned throughout My journey. I am honored that so many of you have gravitated to My contributions to the Tumblrville D/s community. Thank you. I am thrilled that My writings and contributions have inspired others (you know who you are) to write and contribute as well. Thank you; I encourage you to continue exploring you and your relationships, and to continue contributing to the D/s dialogue through prose.

To celebrate achieving this 1,000 follower milestone, I have again reconfigured My blog (I enhanced it at 500 followers as well) to include subordinate blogs, which can be followed in their own right, that improve My blog’s structure and makes it more easily searchable and the content easier to find. Each subordinate blog categorizes and houses the links to My posts, posts that I reblog, or D/s oriented Music, or images of unique erotic art that I find attractive. Again, I thank all of you for supporting My writings, My blog, and for all of your well wishes to ebn and I as we navigate this journey. The links to My subordinate blogs are below.  All the best to you and again, Thank you all!

-IADD🌪 (© May 11, 2018)

Links to My subordinate blogs which house the links to all of My posts

All About Me - Links to My posts explaining who I am, why I am, how I am, and how I think.

General D/s Posts - Links to My posts covering various D/s concepts and topics.

To, For, or About ebn - Links to My posts written specifically to, for, or about @exasperatingbutnot.

ebn Writes / IADD Reponds - Links to posts ebn has written and for which I have commented and/or responded.

A Day in the Life of a Long-Distance D/s Couple - Links to My posts included in My “A Day in the Life” Series, which highlights many of the day-to-day dialogue and interactions between ebn and I.

The Prompts - Links to My posts that address questions from The Dominant Prompts.

My Poetry - Links to the poetry I have written to ebn.

My Art Collection - My digital collection of unique, artistic erotic images.

My D/s Music - Links and lyrics to genre-agnostic D/s oriented music I find appealing.

Answering Asks - Links to My posts that answers your questions or responds to your comments.

My Reblogs - Links to post written by others that I feel are extraordinary in one way or another.

My Favorite Spankings - Links to My favorite spanking images, GIFs and videos.   

[iamdrdominant]

D/s vs Vanilla

A collection of observations from My personal experience in having been involved in both D/s and vanilla relationships or having observed the behavior of others. As a disclaimer, I am in no way “defining” right or wrong behavior. All relationships are unique. All Dominants and submissives are different. Your experience(s) and observation(s) may be different from Mine.

Leaves for work in the morning…

Vanilla: (Light peck on the cheek) “Have a nice day, Hon.”

D/s: (Passionate embrace, perhaps even tongue exploring) “Meet you back here at 6pm, Babe!”

Walking down the sidewalk…

Vanilla: Anyone’s guess who takes the curb side.

D/s: Dominant takes the curb; submissive takes the wall. Always!

Walking together anywhere…

Vanilla: Maybe hand holding… but not likely.

D/s: Dominant holds submissive’s hand (with his on top and hers underneath), or places hand in the small of her back or on the nape of her neck. Alternatively, submissive locks arms at the elbow. Or dual arm around waist embrace.

Getting things done…

Vanilla: “I’ll get around to it.”

D/s: “It will be done today.”

Working though an issue…

Vanilla : “What’s wrong with you?”

D/s: “Have I made you upset?”

Deciding where to go for dinner…

Vanilla: “Where would you like to go?”

D/s: “We are going (here) tonight.”

Having dinner in a restaurant…

Vanilla: Your phone has your undivided attention.

D/s: Your partner has your undivided attention.

Clearing the dinner table of stacked dirty dishes…

Vanilla: Everyone fends for himself or herself.

D/s: Stacked dishes are heavy. Dominant carries dirty dishes from table to kitchen.  

Expressing disappointment…

Vanilla: … … … … (withdraw with silent treatment).

D/s: “I am unhappy with you and here is why.”

Giving a compliment…

Vanilla: “You look nice tonight.”

D/s: (Grabs her ass and pulls her in close). “You are so Mine!”

Walking up stairs…

Vanilla: Parties walk side by side or random determination who leads.

D/s: Dominant walks behind submissive so that He can help her if she trips and stumbles.

Walking down stairs…

Vanilla: Parties walk side by side  or random determination who leads.

D/s: Dominant walks in front of submissive so that she can brace herself on Him if she trips and falls.

Approaching a building door…

Vanilla: Whoever gets there first opens the door.

D/s: submissive waits for Dominant to open all doors. Always!

Entering of exiting a vehicle…

Vanilla: Everyone fends for himself or herself

D/s: submissive sits patiently in vehicle and waits for Dominant to exit vehicle and walk around to open her door.

Investment in the relationship…

Vanilla : Both partners give 50-50, at best.  More likely it is 75-25.

D/s: Both partners give 100-100; otherwise D/s doesn’t work.

Sex…

Vanilla : “Honey, can we have sex tonight?”

D/s: “I want you now. Get undressed and go wait for me. Now!”

Orgasms…

Vanilla: She fakes them half the time.

D/s: She climaxes at Dominant’s discretion.

Falling asleep…

Vanilla: “Good night, Hon.” (rolls over and goes to sleep)

D/s: “I am so in love with you. Come here; I want to feel you next to me as I sleep.”

Saturday mornings…

Vanilla: Get out of bed immediately upon waking.

D/s: Take in your partner as they sleep. Plan your day while in bed together. 

Accountability for personal behavior…

Vanilla: Little to none, particularly over time.

D/s: An absolutely requisite all the time.

-IADD🌪 (© May 10, 2018)

[springtimesunrises]

The Bet

It’s no secret that @iamdrdominant and I have been struggling. I recently lamented in writing that our conversations have been strained. Tonight, a sense of the “former US” popped out.

ebn: You’ve lost weight? 

IADD: No I haven’t. 

ebn: Yes you have. I can see it in your face. It’s thinner. 

IADD: No. It’s my new beard. Once I shave it off you’ll see. 

ebn: I thought that at first, but I’m sure you’re thinner.

IADD: What do you mean? I’m about 167-168.

ebn: No you’re not. You’re more like 163. Maybe 164.

We go back and forth numerous times. IADD hasn’t been taking care of Himself. He has not been eating appropriately. He even promised me He’d do better. In fact He put it in writing.

IADD: Want to make a wager?

ebn: (convinced I’m right). Sure! If I win I get to hit you on each butt cheek once with your paddle!

IADD chuckled. Out of disbelief? Nervousness? Happiness? I’m not sure.

IADD: Ok. I’ll take that bet. I’ll let you know what I want after I win.

I insisted that wasn’t appropriate and pressed that He come up with His “thing” if He won. Which, by the way wasn’t going to happen.

IADD: If I win, you need to crawl, slowly across the floor to me. Then turn around, lower your head and shoulders and present so that I can look at you and play as I choose.

I laughed. Seriously!? He has never mentioned crawling.

ebn: Well… Yours is two part. I need to increase my award. I want two swats on each of your butt cheeks!

IADD was in disbelief now. He laughed and backed out. I began to taunt him. He laughed and accepted the challenge

ebn: Ok! Let’s shake!

We did a virtual handshake. IADD took me into the bathroom with him (on Face Time) and undressed down to His underwear. He stepped on the scale so that I could see His weight…

Who won doesn’t matter. What matters is that the conversation was real. It was natural. It was fun. It was US!

[iamdrdominant]

Weigh In to Check In

@exasperatingbutnot has had this growing fascination with My paddle ever since we recently spent three of the most amazing days together in Montreal (you can read about the fun filled days and sizzling hot nights here for day 1, here for day 2 and here for day 3). It was a fun trip to say the least and a well needed one at that! At one playful point on day three, she picked it up and tried to swat me. I think she got three “playful” swats with said paddle while bending over the bed for trying that move. So when she stated her wager if I lost this bet, while I was shocked at the mere thought of succumbing to having my butt cheeks paddled (eek!), I was not surprised this was her request.

I have tracked My weight daily since getting My Fitbit on May 1, 2015.  However, before stepping on the scale last night with ebn on FaceTime, I had not weighed Myself in 4 weeks. I normally eat 5 times a day. Lately, it has been 2-3 times a day. I am normally in the gym lifting weights 5-6 days a week. Lately it has been more like 2 times if I have a good week. I knew I had lost weight but I did not know how much. My equilibrium weight is 170 +/- 2 pounds. In the three years I have had my Fitbit, I have weighed as much as 182.2 and as little as 157.2. I have been below 165 four times in 3 years. I figured at worst, I was down to 165-166. There was no way I was sub-165. Not a chance!

My confidence of weighing more than 165 faded fast when I considered the consequences of losing this bet - Me being swatted by ebn. I thought, “What if I am below 165 and lose? Oh My gosh, I need out of this bet.” However, being the Domly Dom that I am, I could not just back out now. Heck it was My suggestion that we bet in the first place. So I decided to take a different approach. I would state a wager that upon losing would be so unappealing to ebn that she would back out and say, “no bet”. If successful, the bet would be off, I’d be off the hook, and I would preserve My Domly persona. So I confidently stated (after some prodding from ebn because I wanted to keep My wager unstated) that if I won, she would have to seductively crawl on hands and knees across the floor to Me, spin around upon command, lower head and shoulders to the floor and present that pretty little bottom to Me for any pleasure and doing of My choice. I thought,  “Surely she will back out now.” To My surprise, she said, “ Well… Yours is two parts. I need to increase my award. I want two swats on each of your butt cheeks!” Honestly speaking, as much as the thought of her crawling across the floor to Me as described above was appealing, the possibility of losing this bet and being swatted by her was equally horrifying.

I weighed the possibilities; could I actually lose the bet? I evaluated the circumstances; it’s been a rough recent period for us. I considered what was happening at that moment; ebn was in a playful mood. she was smiling. she was laughing. she was taunting Me. We were finally having fun again! 

With that, I accepted the bet, stripped to my underwear, held my phone in a way that she could see the digital readout and stepped on the scale… 

Sometimes, one has to weigh in to check in. I did and confirmed ebn and I are OK.

-IADD🌪 (© May 9, 2018)

[springtimesunrises]

CHOICES

I have been crying or on the verge of tears for 7 days. @iamdrdominant has also been very sad and struggling. IADD is moving further away from me. We are not sure we will be able to overcome the distance. What we are sure of is the fact that we are in love, we want each other, we need each other, and this is a once in a lifetime relationship. 

We have both made individual choices that have directly impacted us. Tough choices. Choices we both understand and respect. But nonetheless, choices that will impact us as a couple. 

As much as we love, want and need each other, we know we don’t live in a vacuum. Life is so much more than just the two of us. Circumstances and situations require us to look at the big picture. It requires us to be realistic. Accepting. Responsible. Respectful. 

This is absolutely not the relationship I’d choose. But this is absolutely the relationship I’d choose. Would I choose to be in love with a man that lives 3 time zones and 3000 miles away? Hell no. Would I choose to be in love with a man that treats me like a queen and the most special woman in the world? Hell yes!! 

Circumstances and situations have provided deep challenges to this relationship. I can give up or I can fight. There is the other choice… Do I have you everyday in my life in some manner or do I give you up completely? The answer seems obvious. 

I once read, “The truth is that once you’ve committed to the journey and the destination, there’s no turning back.” Turning back on the 2+years we’ve spent together would be painful. I’m not naive. I know those days and weeks that I can’t look at you in the eyes, feel your touch, feel your breath, will also be painful. But that pain can be relieved, whereas allowing us to end, there will not be any relief. 

So again, we are faced with another choice. Do we allow our previous choices to determine our fate or do we fight the fight that we have imposed upon us? I think we owe it to ourselves to keep fighting. We may still have moments of tears, sadness, frustration, anger and loneliness. But those feelings will be just “moments” if we choose to fight. Those moments will be fighting against the moments of laughter, smiles, love, dedication, persistence, communication and honesty. It is these latter moments that must prevail.

Some choices are still ours.

(Thank-you IADD for the creative artwork and your edits. I love you and need you.)

[iamdrdominant]

MOMENTS

That last paragraph… It says all there is to say. 

“I think we owe it to ourselves to keep fighting. We may still have moments of tears, sadness, frustration, anger and loneliness. But those feelings will be just “moments” if we choose to fight. Those moments will be fighting against the moments of laughter, smiles, love, dedication, persistence, communication and honesty. It is these latter moments that must prevail.”

Undoubtedly, with all that is happening, @exasperatingbutnot and I will have more “moments”. Moments of joy. Moments of uncertainty. Moments of defeat.  Life is simply a series of CHOICES and MOMENTS. And the choices ebn and I have to make, we are destined to have more than our fair share of “moments”. 

In my post Peaks & Valleys, I talked about the highs and lows of my 2+ year relationship with ebn - being neighbors, moving away, Anchor trips, and now moving farther away. Needless to say, this really has been a roller coaster of a relationship. But we continue to embrace it. We continue to fight for it. We continue to go after our “moments”.

Despite its appearance, we are indeed trying the close this distance that currently separates us. But as ebn states so eloquently, as much as we would like to live in a vacuum, we are mature enough and grounded enough to recognize we do not. As a result, there will continue to be barriers to overcome,  obstacles to maneuver, and pitfalls to navigate. The good news is we know exactly what and where they are. The bad news is some of them will take time to resolve. In the meantime, we are left with our CHOICES and MOMENTS. As long as the moments of laughter, smiles, love, dedication, persistence, communication and honesty override the moments of tears, sadness, frustration, anger and loneliness, we will be fine.

In closing, I wish to thank all of the wonderful people of Tumblrville for your overwhelming support and well wishes; yesterday was a culmination of a week’s worth of low points. Through our blogs, ebn and I have invited you into a small portion of our lives. You know us as usernames, but based on many of your comments from yesterday, you also recognize we are real people, living real lives, in a real world. Your respectful comments and well wishes are very much appreciated. Our journey continues…  

-IADD🌪 (© May 8, 2018)  

[springtimesunrises]

Distances

February 2016 IADD: “I live in Abcland.”

Ebn: “I know where that is. It’s about 24 miles. It’s about 40/45 minutes away. With my commitments and obligations I’m not sure I want to see someone that far. I want easy.”

April 2016  IADD moves 4 miles from me. That is easy. No planning. Spur of the moment dates. Meeting at the grocery store. Walmart. Short walks.

May 2017 IADD: “I have to move to Lmnland.” It’s 940 miles away. It isn’t easy but we manage. We talk when I wake up. We talk during the day. We talk before we go to bed. Visits and trips happen. Not as often as I’d like, but it’s manageable.

May 2018 IADD: “I have to move to Xyzland.”

It’s 3,100 miles away and three time zones. I don’t know if that is manageable. My heart is broken. It hurts. My mind is short circuited. I am barely functioning. I only want to hide under the blankets. I’m either crying or on the verge. IADD says I’m in mourning. I am.

He has no choice in his decision. I have no choice in my decision. As a result of our choices, we are risking everything we have built. In reality, we have BOTH made choices besides US. That hurts. I’m angry at Us.The phone calls are sprinkled with awkward silences. Gauche conversation. Repeated phrases.

We both reluctantly admit we both struggle with moments of hopelessness. Defeat. Overwhelming sadness. IADD admitted He has to “will” himself to continue sometimes. I have to"will" myself not to build walls.

We had planned a “mini anchor trip” in a couple weeks. He would come visit and we would spend time here doing things we like to do and things we’ve done on other anchor trips (visit a museum, view the city from higher vantage point, visit landmarks, etc). However, because my fear of saying goodbye afterwards is so strong, I suggested we cancel. It’s easier for me to avoid the heartache of saying another goodbye, knowing he’s moving further away. Knowing communication and visits will be more difficult. I wanted easy, remember? IADD left the choice up to me, but strongly suggested that if we cancel, we could fade away easily.

I knew from the beginning I’m not a long distance relationship kind of woman. I’m needy. I want time and attention. I’ve known that I’m not a planner. I prefer to see how things play out and go from there. IADD said we will need to plan now.

I don’t generally trust people. I build walls. IADD gained my trust. Walls were never built or torn down quickly. Now as I struggle, my inner self is fighting NOT to build walls. I don’t want to feel alone or in pain. IADD keeps asking how He can help. He can’t. This is MY battle. That fact takes away from His Need to protect me and control me. He can’t. I fight the intrusive thoughts like, “I’ll paint my nails whatever color I want today”. “I’m going to cancel the wax appointment”. As a result our foundation is slowly showing its cracks. We keep cementing those cracks with the promise of open, brutally honest communication. When will the foundation be so unstable that the cement doesn’t even hold up?

I love Him. I Need Him. I Want Him. But time and distance could be the end of us. I’m scared. I’m lonely. I’m sad. I’m angry.

Today, at this moment we are still a couple. I hold on to that.

[iamdrdominant]

Peaks & Valleys

All relationships have their highs and lows - their PEAKS and VALLEYS. Mine with @exasperatingbutnot is no different. We have had Mount Chimborazo height highs and Challenger Deep level lows. This present low is even lower than Challenger Deep. I honestly don’t know if we will climb out of this one. The outlook seems bleak.

Ours is a fairy tale story of Boy meets girl. It really is that simple - overconfident, corporate Boy meets quiet, shy girl - both seeking friendship and companionship. It was a match made in heaven and we lived there for the first year of our relationship. I practically lived around the corner from her - just 3.8 miles away - and it was A-MA-ZING (PEAK). We saw each other all the time, literally. We dined together, shopped together, took walks together and often, all on a moments notice. We were together at every opportunity and over time our budding relationship grew. The trust grew. The passion grew. The Dominance and submission grew. she was a new submissive and was just beginning to experience some level of comfort in the role of submissive when a series of personal circumstances took Me away from her.

I remember the day that I told her I had to move away. It felt like I was pulling the rug out from under her. I had asked her to trust Me - to let Me in (she let’s no one in) - and now I was moving away. It was a hard conversation. We did not think we could do it. We actually broke up. Our beak up lasted for a day. It was absolutely THE worst day of My life (VALLEY). I knew we were in love with one another. I learned that day we were hopelessly in love.

All of year two for us was extremely difficult (VALLEY). I was 938 miles away. We could no longer see each other on a moments notice. No more spontaneous visits. No more weekend breakfast dates. No more after work walks in the park. As a means of survival, I devised the concept of the Anchor trip - hoping it would sustain us until we could close this distance that would now separated us. Anchors are 3-5 day pre-planned getaways where we explore a new city together and rekindle “up close and personal” all that is IAmDrDominant and @exasperatingbutnot. To date, we have taken five Anchors. With the exception of the most tragic misunderstanding on the last night of Anchor 3, they have all been the most unbelievably satisfying trips of my life (PEAK). In the end, the Anchors have worked. Twelve months after moving away, we are still a couple.

But now, we face a new low that may be too deep for even us to survive. Rather than moving closer to her, professional circumstances require that I move even further away from her - 3,125 miles away to be exact. I have no choice in this matter at all. I must go. Further to this point, personal circumstances require her to stay where she is. And so this low is the latest in a series of lows we must overcome if this fairy tale is to end happily (VALLEY). This is simply the worst one yet. Things keep getting harder for us! When does it get easier? Will it ever get easier? I am beginning to have my doubts.

We have known this outcome was a possibility for several months but were hoping it would not come to fruition. Unfortunately, the LDR Gods let us down again. They failed us and our worst nightmare is now real. Moreover, it is so real, it could very well  transform our fairy tale of Boy meets girl into Boy loses girl. How tragic is that?

The logical scientist in Me says there is not much difference in 938 miles versus 3,125 miles. Yes, there are now time-zone differences with which to contend. Her 7 AM “Good morning” text will now come in at 4 AM. Our after work “catch-up” call will now occur in the middle of my day. she will be saying goodnight just as My evening is just getting started. Communicating will definitely be harder. But overall, what has really changed? For the last year, I have seen her on average once every 4 weeks. Is this manageable from 3,125 miles away? Can I still find a way to visit her every 4 weeks? I think so. Can we still Anchor every 3 months to recharge our “up close and personal” battery? Can we ride the Anchor wave for a little while longer? I think so. Physically, I will be farther away. But logically, not much has changed. Right? 

On the other hand, the needy and vulnerable Dominant in Me says this change is tragic. In fact, I have spent the last several days hopping fences. On the one side of the fence, I tell Myself, “We can do this. Even though I am moving farther away, we have to hold on. Circumstances will eventually favor us; it is only a matter of time.” About an hour after I convince Myself we can make it, I hop to the other side of the fence that says, “There is no way in hell we are going to survive this. This is fairy tale is over. It is only a matter of time.” Fence hopping. Back and forth. Forth and back. This side. That side. And if that wasn’t bad enough, sprinkled in My internal “fence hopping” debate are the most gut-wrenching, heart-breaking conversations with My precious ebn.

As I consider all that is happening at present, I think the most difficult part of accepting these latest developments is coming to grips psychologically, mentally, emotionally (take your pick) that we are not actually closing this horrible distance between us. Instead, it’s getting worse. It is growing. While 3,125 miles is technically much farther away than 938 miles, basically, away is away. It is the emotional impact of this change that is heartbreaking and causing these feelings of loss and hopelessness - both hers and Mine. We both know our LDR is not emotionally sustainable. This growing distance gap must close and close soon. Unfortunately, unless things drastically change, I don’t know how to solve this problem. 

I don’t know what the future holds for us. Neither does she. Boy keeps girl? Boy loses girl? Boy keeps girl? Boy loses girl? Boy keeps girl? Boy loses girl? Will this Boy keep or lose His girl? I honestly do not know. What I do know is this Boy desperately wants His girl. His girl desperately wants Him too. However, this VALLEY is deep - Challenger Deep. As difficult as it will be, we are committed to try to make it work; to try to hold on to us until the LDR Gods can smile on us. We will try. I hope we can make it. I guess time will tell… 

-IADD🌪 (© May 7, 2018)

[iamdrdominant]

Speak to Me

TDP #63 offers two great questions. Let’s first get grounded on what it means to communicate with another person. Merriam-Webster Online defines communication as, “a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior.” There are two key points in this definition that warrant discussion within the context of these questions. The first, the exchange of information, addresses the first question. The second, the systems used for communication, addresses the second question.

Let’s tackle the first question. “Can a dominant reach a point that communication becomes a means to bottom from the top?” From My perspective and based on the above, the answer is an emphatic NO! Communication, in and of itself, cannot be a means for bottoming from the top. The free exchange of information is a necessity for a healthy relationship, be it D/s, M/s, or otherwise. This is not what gets Dominants into trouble with bottoming from the top.

Now for the second question. “How can you encourage your submissive to communicate without allowing yourself to be led?” This, too, is very clear for me. The answer is simple - by controlling the outcomes and decisions that result from the communications. Communication is not what gets Dominants into trouble with being led. What gets Them into trouble with bottoming from the top is not monitoring, metering, or controlling the systems and behaviors Their submissive uses when communicating. Even worse is when a Dominant loses control of the outcomes and decisions resulting from these communications.

In My case, I encourage @exasperatingbutnot (ebn) to openly voice her thoughts, opinions, and wishes to Me at any time. she knows I will always listen to her. This level of free-flowing exchange and openness is vital for the health of our relationship and, more importantly, the health of her psyche. she also knows, however, that I may not always agree with her – particularly where her wishes are concerned. This is where controlling the behaviors, outcomes, and decisions becomes important. ebn knows I expect her to display respectful behavior towards Me always, including when she communicates her displeasure with Me. I do allow her to vent because I do not ever want to lose the woman behind the submissive. However, I do not allow out of control rages; people often say disrespectful and regrettable things when out of behavioral control. ebn also knows that for those elements of her life that I lead and control, I have non-negotiable final say, regardless of any objection she may raise. So, while I encourage free, open, and transparent communication, I do three things to prevent bottoming from the top. I strictly meter the manner in which she communicates.  I require certain behaviors when she communicates. Finally, I retain control of the outcomes and/or decisions resulting from our communications.

 -IADD🌪 (© August 8, 2017)