Solitude

Most women want a walk-in-closet in their rooms but I want a walk-in-library in mine.

[iamhaya-blog]

Never, ever apologize for being who you are.

[iamhaya-blog]

I FOUND MY UNIVERSE

I have never been a fan of poetry. I am a wide reader though of books. I own lots of it. I'm a certified bookworm. But there's something with poetry that I find it difficult to understand. Since I teach Humanities, English and Literature, it would be best to try doing some poetry. I choose a topic where I have a lot to say to make it easier. Of course, it is love. Ask what love is and people will blabber shooting answers to you. For me, love came unexpectedly. I was, am and will always be a certified nerd. So when someone had shown an interest when I was fifteen, God, this is it! It was my first love and guess what? I am already 24 now but we are still together. High school sweethearts going strong! Soon we will be celebrating our ninth anniversary. It might be cheesy but who cares. We are entitled to be cheesy sometimes. For someone special here it goes: I WAS VERY STUDIOUS I WAS VERY SERIOUS NEVER GO OUT AT WEEKENDS YOU’D THINK TODAY’S THE END A GIRL WHO FOUND SOMEONE WHOM I KNOW FOR CERTAIN QUIETS HER BUSY THOUGHTS AND GIVES HER HAPPY THOUGHTS FINDING LOVE WITH THE MOST UNEXPECTED PERSON AT THE MOST UNEXPECTED TIME AND SEASON AND BELIEVE IT IS THE BEST LOVE STORY WITH YOU I NEVER HAVE TO FEEL SORRY A MILLION THOUGHTS, A THOUSAND FEELINGS A HUNDRED MEMORIES, THIS LOVE ISN’T FLEETING FOR I NEVER HAVE TO LOOK FOR EVIDENCE I’VE FOUND THE TRUE MEANING OF MY EXISTENCE TRUE LOVE IS CRYSTAL CLEAR OUR FOREVERS GO TOGETHER WITH THE LOVE LIKE THIS ON TOP THE WHOLE SKY LIGHTS UP I FELL IN LOVE FOR THE MILLION THINGS YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU WERE DOING I NEED NOT TO WORRY ABOUT SHEDDING TEARS FOR WHEN I FOUND YOU, I FOUND MY UNIVERSE. Some people search for love. Some has taken chances on love but never succeeded. Some have loved but was not reciprocated. Some have loved each other but the situation forbids it. Some have loved but the time is not right. We love. We lost. We hurt. A tumult of emotions for the sake of love. For whatever it is, it is still good to love and be loved. I guess I was just lucky. At an early age of fifteen, I was able to find my universe. And if it is destined, my first will be my last. 

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I LOVE HOW

He's not the type of boyfriend who'd give me bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates, which is totally fine with me since I'd rather have coke float and fries. He's the type of boyfriend who'd carry my bag, open doors for me and tell me how beautiful I am. He's not the funniest, the best looking, the richest, but he's the one who makes me feel gorgeous (though I'm far from that), hilarious and like a million dollars.  I love how he's so different and unique from everyone else . Everyone is so focused in being popular or getting attention from people. He's not like that. He's down to earth and humble. He's not afraid to be who he actually is, which is good.  I love that I can talk to him about anything I want and he won't judge me or tell anyone else about it. I love that the word "date" for us means eating together. Roam around the streets for isaw and kwek-kwek. Yet I'm the only one who's gaining weight and not him. Unfair! I love that he cares even if it's not the care that I want. I love his silliness. Even if his jokes aren't funny sometimes, they are still adorable. So I like them.  I love that he'd always fetch me from work taking all my worries away. Though most of the time he is late which makes me oh so mad. I love how he'd always ask me to order for us when eating outside because he's too shy to do it himself, which leaves me having to order all that I want.  I love that he still adores me even I'm not like those magazine girls who are so damn skinny. He still likes me even I'm on the chubby side. Well, okay not on the chubby side but really chubby. Just skip this part, okay?  I love how he wouldn't mind watching cartoon or romantic movies with me because he knows I like it. I love that he'd always accompany me to bookstores though he knows he'd be stuck there for hours waiting for me to find something I like, which most of the time leaving without picking anything. I love how he'd always hand me the pickles from his burger because he knows I crave for it. I love how he'd always let me swap our drinks because I couldn't finish mine and his is already half empty. Most of all, I love how he'd let me eat anything I want, not bothering to stop me. Even generous to share his part. But seriously, I love that someone as amazingly incredible as he could love a doof like me.

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OH, YOU THINK YOU KNOW?

At an early age I already knew the value of education. Not because someone told me so. No because it has been imprinted in my thoughts by my parents. But because I have learned it the hard way.  I was born in an average kind of family. Not rich. Not poor. Situated somewhere in the middle. Financially, I could well remember most of the times, there were hard times that we had to make both ends meet.  Not all people knew about the financial problems we as family had to face back when we were still studying. I was a straight A student in school, from the time I started elementary up to the time I graduated from college. I was known to be a brainiac. So from the time I stepped my foot in school my status had already been written on my forehead, all caps, italicized, and bold. Yeah I belong to the group where most kids avoid from. THE CEREBRAL GROUP. Now for those who are not familiar with this group, this group is consists of people who are thought to be boring since their noses are always in front of a book, teacher’s pet because they are the favorites of the teachers whether they like it or not, and the most prevalent quality is being intelligent who always end up top 1 in class.

Though many people admired me as an achiever, it never ever crossed my mind to always strive to be on top. I was studious yes but aiming for As were not on top of my priority. It just so happened that in order for me to be able to acquire education I needed the assistance of scholarships. I know that even if I didn’t grab the opportunity of being a scholar, my parent would still find a way to give the best education. However, it was such less of a burden when I was helping them financially through scholarships. So it ended that way. Not because I wanted to be called on stage every recognition. Not because I wanted to be on top of the class. All I ever wanted was to graduate and land a good job. 

Since elementary my mind was trained to maintain a certain grade for all subjects. From there, the pressures started to creep in. Why? Because aside from the fact that maintaining grades was already so hard, there were also expectations from people who thought that you could never fail. My brain has been working so hard since I was 7 years old it continued to be overused until college.  I had been so hard with myself. I had to meet all the expectations coming from the people I know and even those whom I do not know.

Little did they know that I also wanted to belong in the popular group. Those students who stayed longer in the comfort room than in the classroom, putting lipstick and powder and gossiping with their group of friends. Those students who have the courage to cut classes and be absent whenever they want. Those who are patronized and idolized because they look good and cool, they talk cool and they belong in a cool group. Those who after class would immediately stroll around the mall with friends.  Those who have the new gadgets and designers clothes to brag with. These students enjoy everything there is to be enjoyed in school because they have less pressure in their studies.

The road that I had taken was so different from theirs. HOME. SCHOOL. HOME. SCHOOL. But you know what, I still feel blessed for not getting the education the easy way. Because of the circumstances, I ended successful in my education. Now I know that it really pays to work hard and that the things that make you weird as a kid will make you great tomorrow. I have learned to persevere, to have patience, to be focused on reaching my goals and to have a never give up mindset. Yes it was never easy and if I had the choice I would never ever put myself in such pressure. If I had the choice I would have enjoyed my student life without even thinking about the pressures people put on me.

 But everything that I have gone through made me who I am today. If not for the hard times I wouldn’t be able to be prepared on what the real world has for me. It has honed my skills to become a better and competitive person. I could land on any job I want since I know I have the qualifications. Now that I have proven everyone, I am now letting myself bask in the glory of making my parents proud for what I have achieved. In fact I want to pat my shoulder and say, “I am proud of you.”

 Now, I don’t envy the popular group anymore. 30 years from now, it won’t matter what shoes you wore, how your hair looked, or the branded clothes you bought. What will matter is what you learned and how you used it.

[iamhaya-blog]

BEAUTY AND BRAINS

I was scrolling through my Facebook when a thought came in today beauty is always seen in the facial mode. The epitome of beauty is those seen in the physical aspect of a person. For me brains are more important than beauty. It is the thought not the looks that matters the most. Imagine, if the whole world was blind, how many can you impress? You cannot brag about how good hair looked, how pretty you are in your make up and how fabulous you are in your nice dress. A beautiful woman is a beautiful woman but you need brains to back it up because a beautiful woman with brains is a lethal combo. Beauty fades away. You will get wrinkles. You will lose your teeth. You hair will become white. But the thoughts you have and the things you say will always be there.

I often see selfies in Facebook of girls every now and then. They gain a hundred like just by doing nothing worthwhile. I am not telling that this act is not good. My point is that people are now seeking to be popular. I prefer to gain hundred likes for what I say rather than for how I look. I believe that everyone should seek to be WORTH KNOWING rather than be WELL KNOWN. I seldom post pictures of me and when I do I am sure I won’t even reach 70 or more likes. Most often I post a note in my timeline and as expected people won’t even bother to click like on it. Since writing one’s idea is not popular nowadays. The social media is crowded with different faces all vying for popularity and for the most liked photo.

If you are a cerebral girl like me, with today’s trend you won’t even be noticed by most people. Since first, thoughts are not seen outside unlike a pretty face. Thoughts cannot be shown publicly unlike talents like dancing and singing. Lastly, most people won’t waste their time reading your posts and ideas because they hardly matter. Show them a beautiful post and you will get the attention of the world. I wish people would learn to appreciate and go deeper than what physical beauty can give. After all, beauty will never ever last. I wish the epitome of beauty of today’s generation will change and people will realize that it is not all about the pretty faces and beautiful bodies. There’s more to it.

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I KNOW WHAT HELL FEELS LIKE

I've been an achiever my whole life, always on top. I graduated as a Valedictorian for my primary and secondary years. In college, I graduated as a Magna Cum Laude. Everyone thinks I've got everything. Beauty and brains. People admire me. They want to be near me and make friends with me. But they have no idea what I've been through during my elementary and high school years. No one knows I was bullied. As a victim of bullying for many years, I know first hand how it feels to be completely alone. I had this classmate back in primary school, a girl with deformities. She walked differently and she would always cover her one hand with a handkerchief since her fingers were also deformed. Aside from that, she's pretty normal. I couldn't remember when and how it started. She would always ask me to do something for her. I was an introvert and will always be. Back then, I didn't want to have any sort of conflicts with other people. I would always do what she wanted me to do because if I resisted, she'd get mad at me and I didn't want that to happen. Years passed and our relationship didn't change. She's the queen and I was the servant. I don't want to sound mean but if you know that you have some physical deformities, isn't it the best reason for you to at least be nice to other people instead of being mean? That makes you uglier. I remember the day we were electing for officials for the entire primary students. Since I was the top 1 in class my teachers asked me to run for president which was forced, so I had no other option but to accept it. I didn't even have a hard time looking for my other officials since a lot of them had volunteered to be part of my party. Suddenly this mean girl wanted to be part of my group but all slots were taken already. So I told her that I couldn't have her in my group. One look and I knew she was so mad. What happened next was so unbelievable. Her mother (who I forgot to mention that she's an employee of our school) cam rushing to our room and was shouting to me. She cursed me and even told me why I didn't want her daughter to be a part of my group. I was closed to tears. How could a mere 12 year old girl fight with an older woman? I was shaking. I just bowed down my head 'til she left. Everyone was so silent. Everyone was so afraid of her. But I was the most unlucky because she hated me the most. By the age of 12 years old, I knew already what I wanted in life. I wanted to leave the school and transfer to a new one. But it was too impossible. Of course I wouldn't want my parents to know what was happening in school. You know the teenager rule. No parents allowed in schools. My goal then was to graduate in high school and transfer immediately. I had been praying for it everyday of my life. Lord, make the days pass by quickly. I don't want to be here anymore. :( I thought she'd change when we reached high school. It got worse. She would always torture me, acting she's mad at me. Then I would get scared and cried all the time. I didn't want my classmates to know that I was crying so I would hide in my chair and she would get her mirror and watched me from there. God, she was so mean. Sometimes she would asked me if I have studied for the examination and I would lie because if I'd say yes, she would get mad since she didn't study for the exam. I just wanted to die. Everything I did, even if it was not related to her, she would get mad. One time she even asked me to tie her shoelaces in front of a crowd. I was so ashamed. When her shoes wouldn't fit, she asked me to pull off my shoes so she could wear it and I was left wearing her shoes which were so tight. The torture never ended. I felt I was born to impress her. That my existence was because of her existence. When I graduated in high school, words were not enough to describe the relief I was feeling. During the ceremony, when we sang our graduation song, I was crying, not because we were in the new chapter of our lives, but because I was so happy. I was so happy that I could now escape from this hell. I started college, still an achiever but no one was torturing me anymore. In fact, I was well loved. My classmates complimented me a lot. And I found new friends whom I shared the same interests. I learned to forget everyone in my previous school. The torture, the pain, the hurt. I buried it. I don't even want to think about it. So you see, people thought I've got everything, but all I wanted was to take their place. I never saw her again and I do not want to see her. It isn't nice to put someone else down to make yourself feel better. Since then, I always tell myself "When people hurt you over and over, think of them like sandpaper. They may scratch and hurt you, but in the end you end up polished and they end up useless." :)

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PETTY

Everything in my life has been predictable. I was never the coolest kid in school, never the most famous and certainly not the prettiest. I was a wallflower during elementary and even in high school, outshone by my pretty and talented classmates and often looked upon for my passion in reading books. I experienced discrimination at an early age. Having an older sister, I learned how to deal with and ignore the comparing look of other people. Thus, studying in a private school with the coolest kids around me only entailed small adjustments. But things slightly changed when I reached high school. I dreaded my first day, thinking I might be picked on or looked upon by some people. What happened was the last thing that I've anticipated. The once unseen girl in elementary became well-known to her high school teachers and had her name included in the honors' list for the entire school year. The other kids weren't the big-headed brutes I expected them to be. I befriended almost everyone and I was never again mocked for my time of reading books. I was accepted for what I was and I realized that I was luckier than some of my classmates. When I crossed the threshold of college, the feeling of inferiority started creeping in again. Studying in a university was the last thing I wanted, but I could not enroll in the other schools I wanted to enter. At first, I was culture-shocked. I didn't want to leave my comfort zone. For the first seven days, I would only speak if someone would ask something or talk to me. Surprisingly, I enjoyed my stay there. Yes, there were still some people who were more arrogant than Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, but I met some wonderful friends and because of them I feel that it's worth all the sacrifices I had to make. I was still foreseeable as ever. Some friends thought that I was too good to be a student --- no smoking, no hard drinking, no late night parties and no gimiks. I was a consistent dean's lister. I satisfied myself with with the routine of going home after class. Through all these years, I would wonder what my life would be if I tried harder to fit in. Will I belong to the coolest gang during elementary years? Will I belong to the group of head-turning girls during high school? Will I be considered a "real girl" if I jumped from one boyfriend to another? I have learned the hard way. Not too long ago, I felt insecure. I felt deprived. In fact in some ways I thought God didn't make me the way He make others. He deprived me of love. I hated the fact that I was never recognized by some people for what I really was. I hated the fact that I was not born rich. I hated the fact that I couldn't compete with the cooler kids. I hated the fact that I couldn't have all the things I wanted. I hated the fact that I couldn't do things which other people can easily do. I hated the fact that my life didn't turn out the way I wanted it to be. There were a lot of things I hated about myself. I often dreamed of filling someone else's shoes. Wouldn't it be great to be pretty, rich and talented? or to be somebody influential, giving encouragement and hope to those in need? But maybe I was asking for too much. Fortunately, I have learned to be contented with what I have as the years passed and those questions were slowly drained from my system. I have filtered my mind and cleansed my soul. Maybe I am not the coolest girl around, or the richest or the prettiest, but whenever I see people who live in the streets, I feel so lucky. I never had to beg for food, never had to sleep on the sidewalks, never felt dirty, never suffered abuse, never been abandoned. I feel guilty whenever I remember all the questions I had, how discontented i was when I felt empty. I didn't realize that I was blessed. God didn't deserve to be asked questions because I never questioned Him when things were going right. I ought to have appreciated more of God's blessings. Every person needs to be thankful, to be appreciative and to be faithful. Although there are still times when I feel discontented, I quickly get over it by thinking that there are more special things for me out there than the petty things that I want.

[iamhaya-blog]

ROBOTS OR DINOSAURS?

dinosaurs

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YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE

Do you ever wish to go somewhere where no one knows you? Where you can start all over again? No one has an idea of who you are, what is your past and even your background. I would definitely say yes how I wish. The best thing about living somewhere new is nobody knows you so you do not need to worry about what others may say about you. Their judgments won’t affect and you will also be able to start new relationships with people. Why do I wish to live in another place? For once I want to breathe. Inhale. Exhale. To drop all the weights from my shoulders. To be able to loosen up. Sometimes in life we are being anchored by what other people may say about us. We become the slaves of their opinions. These greatly affect our decision making in life since most often their opinions are the basis of our choice in life. Most often, these are the people who are so dear to us, our family and friends. We have to meet up their expectations and standards, leaving us no choice to live the kind of life we want to lead. When you decide to leave everyone behind, head to a place where you are not known, all the pressures, plans and commitments are all yours. You are free from the burdens of others. You have no obligations and you are your own limits. You will do everything at your own pace and time without even have to worry about the opinions of other people. Sometimes you will choose a wrong decision and fail. Sometimes you will commit mistakes. But the most important thing is you are the one who make the choice and decide for yourself. Whatever the outcome will be, you know that you are able to stand with conviction. I am not saying that the opinions of others should not be given attention. In fact, it is okay to listen as well. By listening you will get suggestions and be able to evaluate what your actions will be before making a decision. Be open-minded and accept suggestions but do not let them influence your decision-making. In the end, it must be your own choice because the outcome of whatever choice you make will only be faced by you alone. People give suggestions and advise easily because they are not the ones who will face the outcome in the end. Making choices is not always easy but you always have a choice.