fatima aamer bilal, from i mother it the absence of her, iii. i am not a person that can be loved for a very long time excerpt from moony moonless sky.
I've wanted to re-write the whole grove scene from Chapter 9, book 1 for a *while,* so I'm excited to share this little bit I've started on. I intend for this to get a little E-rated later but this part is isn't lol.
I also want to switch POV and examine what was going on in Kieran's head when he sends MC away afterward.
I hope you like this little preview!
Kieran x female Ella (second person).
“Ella, wait! Stop!”
You hear the prince’s shouted command at your back, but you keep running.
He may own you, for now - bound by some Fae law that governs this place with a power far beyond your understanding - and you know he will chase after you, hunt you down, as your constant attempts for freedom insult his pride and incite his anger. He is used to instant obedience, constant obsequence. You know that you will likely pay in some way for this insolence.
But at the very least, you will make him work to catch you.
If he truly wants to stop you, he would do it. He could command your legs to grow roots, or to freeze your body into ice. He's the Ruler of All Fae, and it's still his reign for a few weeks more.
Yet, for some reason, he does not do it. For some reason, despite all you know him capable of, you do not think he would be that cruel.
And so you run.
You don’t even know why you’re running. Not this time. You haven’t tried to run away again since you discovered Prince Kieran’s curse. You aren’t even attempting to get away; you know he'll catch you. The terms of your sentence aren't up yet.
You just can’t bear to let him see you like this, with this ridiculous swell of emotion. You have to be away from here, all these people and Fae…especially away from her.
You crash blindly through the beautiful glade, hardly seeing the glowing flowers whose rare beauty, even in this realm of beauty, inspires a whole festival. You hear the prince’s boots behind you, steady on your heels, calling your name. He’s tireless. You are not.
Finally you can’t run anymore. You stop, chest heaving with great, gasping breaths, and hear him scramble to a stop without turning to face him. His footsteps become soft, muted by the moss underfoot, and you sense him coming near.
You expect to be scolded, but hear nothing except his own breaths. He isn’t even winded.
“I know there is nowhere I cannot go where you won’t find me,” you say, hating how tremulous your voice sounds. “But please, my lord, I beg you. Leave me be.”
“Ella.”
Your name on his lips is so soft. Disappointed, confused, hurt, commanding, all at once. It hurts.
You don’t turn to face him; you can’t. So Prince Kieran takes matter into his own hands.
His grip on your shoulder is careful but insistent, and it’s pointless to resist his will, his iron strength, as he makes you turn toward him. You can only take in his expression for a moment before stubbornly turning your gaze away, but he seems puzzled and concerned more than angry.
“Tell me what I’ve done to upset you,” the prince commands.
You make a small sound, like a scoff. Even in this, he makes commands. He had no idea how to speak to anyone of lesser station.
But it’s more of an attempt to understand you than he’s tried before.
What would you even say? How could you put your feelings into words?
You had spent such a lovely day together, you and the cold Moon Prince. He’d invited you here with him, gifting you a beautiful Fae gown suitable for the occasion. He’d let you drag him from one incredible sight to the next, enjoying all the food stalls and booths, the magical performances, the menagerie - even gave in to your childlike request to purchase treats to feed the creatures.
It had almost seemed like you were becoming…friends.
You’d nearly come close to understanding - if not yet forgiving - the prince keeping you captive in his castle. Aside from a few outbursts, which you had admittedly provoked from him on purpose, he had not been cruel. You’d slept in a lovely room, eaten as much wonderful food as you’d wanted, and your chores seemed like more busywork than anything, for no mortal servant could have been more useful to Longclaw than her own magic.
As shameful as it felt, you had become…accustomed to the Moon Palace. And perhaps even to the Moon Prince, himself.
The way he’d looked at you…the way he spoke to you at times felt not like the way a prince spoke to servant. He even listened to you, of late - trusting you in your mission to negotiate the heart piece away from The Magpie, letting you convince him to explore the festival when it was clear he was doing it only for your benefit alone.
And, heavens, the way he’d touched you…
Pretending to be his fiance in front of The Magpie had been such a wild and dangerous idea, and yet for a man who couldn’t lie, Prince Kieran had been so smooth with his improvisations. You had shamelessly goaded him, sitting upon his lap, nuzzling his neck. It had been a game, and yet…
Yet the way he’d consumed you on the carriage ride home in the brief, dizzying afterglow of his heart piece returning, you’d barely had a chance to come up for air. His hands had been all over you as if he was a man famished, and only the warmth of your skin would sate him. But as hungry and as powerful as he was, the prince’s touch had been reverent, cautious. He had asked for your permission. Perhaps it was simply the courtesy that was inborn of Faekind - they may be immoral killers but none would ever even consider disrespect.
But for you, a mortal tavern girl well-used to mortal men who felt entitled to taking callous liberties with your body, that gesture alone, and from a prince, had burned itself into your being.
There was such a gentleness in the infamous Moon Prince. Well-hidden, to be sure, but you had glimpsed what sort of man may lay beneath the imperious, cursed shell of ice and sharp teeth. He’d protected you during the Grand Hunt with the gallant expertise of a man who knew both his horse and his forest like the back of his hands. He’d watched you clean blood from his wounds with the wide-eyed suspicion of a cornered, pained animal that expected you to betray his first fragile scrap of trust. He’d gaped at you with pure shock and wonder when you’d produced the piece of his heart he had thought to be lost.
You were falling for him.
And just now, after you’d spent such a lovely outing together, you’d run to him, bursting with pride that you’d gotten the amulet you’d come for all by yourself - navigated a tricky Fae agreement without needing his help - you’d caught the tail end of the man you’d begun thinking of a your prince. His cheek caressed by the ivory hand of a Fae princess who hated you…while he stood stock-still and done nothing to stop it.
And it all had come crashing down. This whole silly fantasy you’d built in your head. You were the prince’s mortal servant, nothing more. An annoying thorn in his side that he barely tolerated. He’d touched you with brazen intimacy in that carriage, but he hadn’t kissed you. He’d teased you about your virginity when you’d happened across him naked and asleep in his bed, and he’d ordered you about like a child. Made you dress him, to show you your place.
He’d loved the princess for decades. She’d slept in his bed. She knew him in intimate ways you did not. She touched him with an easy familiarity, and he’d allowed it…almost as if he’d missed it.
Their relationship was so far beyond your experience, a young mortal woman too poor to garner the interest of any of the village suitors. You knew nothing of the world, and very little of men. Your dresses were all given to you by the Moon Court; your own mortal rags were an embarrassment. Compared to the perfect, glittering sun princess, with her wiles and power, you couldn’t ever hope to gain any of Prince Kieran’s true interest. Lustre had been correct: you were just temporary. A momentary passing fancy to the attention of Fae.
Quotes from Kieran that straight-up sound like Shakespearean love poetry: a comprehensive list
‘None may touch me. None but you.’
‘What is left of my heart belongs to you. When you leave, it will shatter anew.’
‘Tell me I did not hurt you.’
‘How am I expected to pass another century without the taste of you on my tongue?’
‘After so many decades spent hating each sunset, knowing nightfall would take my freedom from me... I began to yearn for the moonrise instead of cursing it. Because dreams of you might be waiting on the other side.’
‘I would rather be cursed to roam the wilds as a beast every night than live endless lifetimes without you.’
‘Wherever it is that souls may go, you will find mine waiting for you at the end of all things.’
‘You shall pay dearly for every spilled drop of her blood.’
‘I was not lying. Were you?’
‘Just this once, beloved... I wish you could not lie.’
‘You hold all of my heart, beloved. Now, and always.’
‘I would make and unmake the world for you, beloved.’
‘Believe me when I say I want every part of you. Every version. Now and future.’
‘Look, beloved. Your skin is a canvas covered in stars.’
‘If I were you, I would begin by thanking her and throw yourself on her continued mercy. Because you’ll get none from me.’
‘What would be the point of immortality without you?’
‘No magic. Like an everyday mortal.’
‘Insult her again, and I will carve my refusal into your flesh, so that you may never forget it.’
‘I don’t care what your title is. Every breath, every beat of my heart belongs to you. You are mine for life.’
‘Thank you… for sharing the sky with me.’
‘If you lay a single hand on her, there will be nothing left of this place but a hole in the ground.’
‘Let us live in this moment long enough that I may love you the way you deserve.’
‘I will let nothing separate us… I shall always find you. Your heart calls to mine in a language beyond words.’
‘For you I would set worlds aflame, tear the sun and moon from the sky. I did not live before I met you.’
‘Perhaps you are the most courageous of all, for choosing to live among us. A mortal among gods.’
‘Welcome home, beloved.’
‘You helped me find peace in my grief. I will always help you find peace in yours.’
‘You sacrifice too much for me, beloved.’
‘I cannot give you my heart. It already belongs to someone else.’
‘There will always be tasks vying for our attention. But you are more important to me than any of them.’
‘I like being in here. I always want you to have the freedom of a place to call your own… and it means everything, that you welcome me in.’
(And finally, BONUS: Quotes from *other* characters in The Cursed Heart that straight-up sound like Shakespearean poetry, because the writers of this book just do. not. rest.)
‘I know you. I’m not afraid.’
‘I love him so terribly, it hurts.’
‘You are so much stronger than you know. And a love as strong as this is worth fighting for.’
‘Even if you kill me, I’m glad I met you. Because you deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved. And I will love you until my very last breath.’
‘The world is rarely gentle to those who are so kind. It is you who must be the strongest of all.’
‘What do you want with that cursed thing?’ / ‘To cut the Sun and the Moon from the sky.’
‘Anything here that wishes to eat me had best prepare to choke.’
‘I know you. And I love you. Both your darkness and your light.’
‘You are everything I want. Just you. Just like this.’
‘If love could forestall death, we would all be immortal.’
‘All stories end. Even ours. That’s what makes them beautiful.’
‘I don’t care where I sleep, so long as it’s beside you.’
“I hate school I’m sorry Malala”- Funny yet poignant. Acknowledges both the difficulty of the task and the fact that doing that task is a privilege. Gives credit to the people who fought for that privilege with a tongue in cheek acknowledgement of the irony of the initial statement
“I’m just a girl I should be home baking bread not doing calculus” - at best historically uninformed at worst leaps decades back in time. Refusal to acknowledge the charged history of education and slights the centuries of women’s labor it took to reach this point
Writing is such a beautiful and special thing. I've loved writing for as long as I can remember. It was something that has always brought me joy so I love to see so many people sharing their writing in the fandom.
I know our fandom is small and unfortunately it's shrinking constantly. And within our little fandom, we have so many different "groups". And that makes sense. Yes we are all brought together by Pixelberry Games/Books, but they have such diverse books, characters, and games that it makes sense that we follow what is of interest to us. But that can make a small fandom seem even smaller. It can make writer's feel like their writing doesn't matter, but it does!
Your writing is so special because it's something you created. You brought a piece of yourself to your beautiful worlds. You took a chance to share your story(ies) with us. That is not something to be overlooked. I know it can feel like no one cares, but someone does. You matter and so do your stories!
So for this Writer's Love/Appreciation Day, I wanted to shout out as many writers as I could. I went through several different event masterlists from throughout the year as well as CFWC to compile a list of 95 creators who wrote one or more fics this year. I know this list isn't exhaustive but I hope that this shoutout can bring a smile to at least these individuals.
Please know your amazing and your stories matter! Keep writing! Keep sharing your passions! You are amazing!
Its not like I dream about killing myself. Ive never thought of that. Sure, I've imagined in my head what would it be like to slit my wrists, or to hurt myself with a knife, or to overdose on mum's sleeping pills, or to throw myself in front of the metro. The last one is going to be so much trouble for other ppl though, and I hate the someone despising me even in death. So no, I don't want to kill myself. I just want to cease to exist. I want to exist in a world where I just don't exist. Where everyone goes on with their lives wityour the burden of a worthless daughter sister and friend like me. If I cease to exist I won't be dealing with this terrible, terrible waves of void-like sadness that makes me want to claw my heart out. Why do I have this sadness. What sins have I commited to earn this. I want this to go away, I want everything to just. Go. Away.
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