Loveworthy is a personal spot that chronicles the relationship of a Korean American couple. One of us is a trans lady and the other is a cis dude who loves her. And both of us are adoptees. Follow along as we discover what it means to be loveworthy.
Could my long-dead ancestor really have been watching -- and loving -- me for my entire life?
I havenāt posted in a long, long time. But I did want to share a new essay that I wrote. It's taken me years to write about this aspect of my Korean lineage (ė¬“ė¹ or ineloquently translated to "shaman"). But I am proud to share this journey that speaks so deeply to my trans identity and introduce the world to this bygone ancestor of mine. Thank you to NoahĀ at The Huffington Post for making space. A big shout out to AlexĀ Myung for giving my ancestor a face. Love to Pauline for giving my young self hope. And finally, I hope my storytelling honors Korea's indigenous spiritual counselors who safeguard our history and culture and keep our ancestors alive.
This is for the adoptees of color struggling with family in the wake of Trumpās victory
To my fellow adoptees of color, please know that you are not alone during the aftermath of this election. I know many in our community are coping with feelings of panic and trauma over Donald Trump winning the election and what may come in January. At the same time, I know these feelings are only magnified for those forced to navigate extremely challenging and even painful situations with adopted family members who are white.
Some in our community have likely been told by adopted family members that they simply have nothing to worry about. Just give Trump a chance. We have no reason to be scared, sad, or angry about the results of the election. He has our best interests at heart.
Then there are some white family members who have tried to argue, coerce, or shame some us into believing that we are betraying our adopted family for expressing our feelings of concern. That anxieties over our personal safety and wellbeing are frivolous and misguided. And that you should just "get over it."
Even worse, some of our adopted families have made the troubling demand for us to prioritize our white families over our racial identity. That we should ignore and erase our identity as people of color so we can relieve them from the so-called āinconvenienceā of being different and the āother.ā Stop making trouble and just blend in. Or there will be real consequences -- like family rejection.
I know all of this is true for so many of us. And that we are under siege by those who we struggle to love. We try very hard to find the best intentions in conversations among our white family members even when they canāt recognize the fact that we are people of color who do not experience America like they do.
So hereās my message to those adoptees of color who feel isolated, defeated, and scared from these kinds of stressful interactions:
You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. How you're feeling now in this moment are both valid and right. You are not betraying anyone in your adopted family for holding very real and evidence-based fears about may come. Be confident in your belief that family members should be listening to your concerns with compassion and understanding. They should not be taking up your own physical, digital, and emotional spaces to discount your lived experiences and try to exert their own feelings and beliefs on to you. That is selfish, thoughtless, and unhealthy behavior.
And trust your gut reaction that itās deeply problematic for anyone to try make the argument that your adopted family somehow trumps your lived experience as a person of color. This is a non-sequitur.
What you are feeling and articulating isnāt about them. Itās about you. And itās okay to acknowledge they will never understand what it means to be a person of color regularly confronted by subtle and explicit forms of racism on a daily basis. Thereās no shame or any failure on your part for admitting this reality. You have not failed anyone or have done anything wrong.Ā
For those trying to hold space for your own despair as well as remaining fully or partially engaged with your adopted family -- even when they donāt take the time to listen or continue to be dismissive and hostile, know that you are not alone. Other adoptees of color are going through this process and experiencing similar reactions from their adopted family members.
Finally, be reminded that what you are doing isn't easy. In fact, itās mind-numbingly hard and takes a physical, emotional, and mental toll on the body and mind. Especially when we try to engage in hard conversations about race, adoption, and family.
So make sure to take care of yourself. Even if that means disengaging from family for a short or long period of time. Give yourself the permission to peace out, process, and recover from the toxic and harmful interactions. Seek out other adoptees of color to reassure each other that you are not misled even if some try to convince you otherwise. Do what you need to for your own self-preservation.
Remember, who you are and who your family is should never be an ultimatum. Always bring your full and complete self.
In Solidarity,
Andy
P.S. - Make sure to seek out support. If you are unable to access mental health services or need something quick, check out this list of free resources.
I'm not fluent in Korean and that's fine. Here's why:
Hello! As you probably noticed, the dude and I took a brief hiatus from Tumblr. It was motivated by the fact we wanted to enjoy as much of the summer together as possible, especially since the dudeās schedule is so uncertain. But now itās September, and we're back. To kick off our return, I decided to share a recent experience involving my relationship with the Korean language (ķźµģ“). Now, without further ado..Ā
Last night I found myself exchanging a few messages with an older relative of mine in Korea. But early into our conversation, I was chided for not using the correct form of honorifics with them. I apologized, politely explaining that I am not fluent. Their response was, "ź·øėė ģķėķøģ“ģ¼." (more or less "Even still, your Korean is good.")
The dude (who is also a Korean adoptee) stayed up with me to talk about the experience some more. I also ended up calling my mom in Korea for comfort though she was a tad busy at her job. Regardless, the following thoughts surfaced after my late night conversation with the dude.
I want non-adopted Koreans to know that I am an ģ ģģø (adoptee) and what that entails. That means I wasn't raised in Korea surrounded by Koreans speaking Korean. It also means my Korean may not be up to snuff. It may never be. And for now, I am OK with that possibility. But that doesn't make me any less Korean.Ā
Moreover, I'm not ashamed of being a different kind of Korean that you're unaccustomed to. AndĀ I hope non-adopted Koreans reconsider their criticism and shaming of adoptees like me over our language proficiency (or lack thereof).
In fact, I also hope my poor language skills serve as a living reminder of how adoptees are part of the larger Korean experience. I want my weak pronunciationĀ and limited understanding of grammar to cause you discomfort. Why? Because I want non-adopted Koreans toĀ think critically about the larger issues of why Korean adoptees like me exist.
I do not require the mastery of a specific language in order to express myself. Ask my ģė§ (mom in Korea) who talks to me for hours on the phone. She understands me despite my personal assault on the centuries old Korean language. And my mom doesn't cut me down. She instead encourages me to speak, even through my mistakes.Ā ģė§ ģ¬ėķ“ (I love you, mom).
Who knows -- my proficiency may improve. But in the meantime the dude and I are going to forge our own path of what it means to be Korean. With or without fluency inĀ ķźµģ“.
Signed,
Andy aka ķģ§ (Hyunjin) aka ź¹ģģ“ (Sassy girl)
I just read your Huffington post article. As a cis gay korean American, I was struck by how your love in the piece isn't complicated by race, family, identity--inherently it's just another old (but beautiful) love story. Thank you for sharing!
Thanks for your kind note. It's always incredible to learn how people of all different backgrounds engage with my writing. I'd be lying if I said that being a Korean American, a trans woman, an adoptee and my other identities didn't play a role in how I view the world. But what truly matters to me is that I live an authentic and honest life filled with love. I'm just lucky that Drew is now part of that equation.Ā ā„
Are you in NYC on June 27? Then come out and attend the 10th AnnualĀ Trans Day of ActionĀ at the Christopher Street PierĀ in solidarity with trans and gender nonconforming people.Ā
Take a minute to learn more behind this important day and why we're both supporting it!
It has been a while since our last post and we wanted to update everyone on the whirlwind of activity that has taken place over the past week and a half.
The "I Am Loveworthy" piece originally published by HuffPost Gay Voices has been liked over 23K times!Ā
Andy's essay was also translated into German and Korean. HuffPost Korea even ran the piece as their top story and it was so well-received, they plan on translating and publishing Andy's previous piece about finding her mom in Korea.
All of our families are incredibly proud of the essay. And Andy's mom in Korea was even able to read it since the piece was translated into Korean! She sent Andy this sweet text:
HuffPost Live interviewed Andy about the piece. She and Drew (depending on his work schedule) will be back on to participate in a segment about trans love stories.Ā
Andy was also interviewed about her essay on theĀ TheĀ Michelangelo Signorile Show on SiriusXM.
Our friends atĀ JezebelĀ andĀ Everyday FeminismĀ among others were kind enough to republish the piece and share with their readers.Ā
In the midst of all this excitement, we packed up the car and drove a few hundred miles into Pennsylvania's countryside to historic Gettysburg.Ā Drew was asked by one his best friends to serve as the best man at his wedding.Ā
The early summer wedding reception was held on the grounds of a Bed & Breakfast with a rustic barn.Ā It even included a few four-legged creatures that Andy had a chance to befriend.
Drew looked really dapper in his tuxedo. Andy also ended up snagging a new dress for the special occasion.Ā
Drew gave an excellent toast earning him many compliments among wedding guests. Surprisingly, Andy was approached by several people who complimented her on the piece!
Andy had an exciting meeting shortly after the wedding. She received a potential book offer from a digital publisher who was a fan of her writing. So Andy met up with the publisher to learn more about the offer. Nothing has materialized yet.
Do any of you listen to NPR? If so, you may have heard Andy on the airwaves yesterday afternoon talking about music she enjoys listening to as she taps away at the keyboard.
Also, Andy had some quality girl time with author and activistĀ Janet Mock. The two had dinner at ABC Kitchen and caught up on life over a seven course dinner.Ā
And that's that! We have both been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support from everyone. We have overĀ 3000 followersĀ since starting this blog.Ā WeĀ hope to connect with many of you in the weeks and months to come.
Thank youĀ for joining us and being a part of our journey!
I love my dude. Hard.Ā This message is from earlier before my piece on The Huffington Post went live. And yes, the obligatory corny nickname for me is "hunbun." LOL.
I wasn't sure if I would ever write a love story in my lifetime, but I sat down to write about what it means for a transĀ person to find love and to discover what it means to be loveworthy. Thank you Drew forĀ being the dude that has made my life so much more worthwhile. I love you. ź¹ģ ķ ģ¬ėķ“.
yay! so glad you're here and that it seems that your blog is picking up some traction ^^
Thank you! We're so glad to be here and sharing digital space with another kick ass Korean adoptee like yourself.Ā We hope to live up to our own expectations for this blog. But in the meantime, the response has been incredible -- 500 followers in less than a week leaving us to feel like:
Andy finally got a copy of KoreAm Journal where she was profiled about her work, activism and personal life.Ā But not only did she make the front cover (with one of her faves Sandra Oh!), she also got an amazing spread inside!Ā
You can read the profile over atĀ KoreAm Journal's own Tumblr page!
What does it mean to be in a trans-affirming relationship?
We have some exciting news! Visit The Huffington Post on Monday, June 2 to read more about our trans-affirming relationship. And please help spread the word about this upcoming piece. We can't wait for you to read it and share your thoughts with us!
I'm a queer Korean adoptee and I thank you for sharing your story and lives with the tumblr world. For the queerness, the adoptee-ness, and the loveliness. Much love and respect <3
Drew here. Thanks so much for the love! It means so much to us that other queerean (queer + Korean) adoptees are following us. When I read your note, it made me feel like this:
We look forward to continuing to share our story and future adventures with everyone!
Last night Andy spoke at an incredible writing event organized by Lost Lit. The intimate gathering was focused on letters about adoption. Andy decided to write about the intersection of adoption and culture and addressed her letter to the "TV Executives of Korea," especially after SNL Korea ran an offensive skitĀ about adoptees this past March. Take a read!
To the TV Executives of Korea:
My name is Andy Marra, but you may refer to me as ķķģ§ (Hong Hyunjin), which is my other name given to me by my Korean family. You may be confused, but allow me to clarify: I have two names because I am an adoptee. Or in our mother tongue, you would know me as ģ ģģø (ibyang-in).
I am one of the more than 200,000 adoptees living overseas, and I think itās time for us to have a come-to-Jesus moment.
I want to raise my concerns about your adoptee-related programming. And not to mince words, let me clearly state that I find the majority of your depictions, portrayals and representations of adoptees like me in Korean media to be less palatable than the traditional side dish of fermented crab that I always push to the side.
Consider this past March when your colleagues at SNL Korea ran a skit about an adoptee reuniting with his Korean mom for the first time. It was nothing more than a tasteless parody of an adoptee trying to speak to his mother by accidentally using the lowest form of Korean possible. And Iām not exactly sure how but this private and emotional experience somehow became a punch line. Adoptees like me became your modern day minstrels to entertain Korean viewers.
The skit wasnāt āHaha funny.ā It was instead a āHaha. F*ck you.ā
This stereotypical piece reinforced all of the shortcomings and shame that adoptees like me have internalized and heard from those around us. If you canāt speak Korean, youāre not really Korean at all. And if youāre not Korean than youāre not one of us.
Korean has never been my strong suit. Growing up, I struggled to familiarize myself with the language. My family here in the States sent me to Korean Language School to help me learn the language of our people. Yet, I miserably failed every single vocabulary and grammar test.
I have also been faced with other kinds of tests later in my adult life. Ordering a meal at a Korean restaurant. Buying groceries at my local Korean market. Having conversations with my Korean neighbors and friends. And all throughout I was frequently reminded that my Korean was never good enough. That I would never fit in.
I have worked hard to train my tongue to speak Korean despite how inauthentic and funny you think it may sound. Every word is a daunting new task to learn and every syllable is a battle to win. But I do it for my family and I.
Even still, my Korean is not as pristine as yours may be, which you must find to be comical and sad. And I admittedly sound like a child when I talk to my family. But my ģė§ (mom) is loving and kind. She patiently listens to my broken sentences. She never flinches when I mistakenly use informal Korean in our conversations.
Instead my ģė§ (mom) offers encouragement whenever I get frustrated. And she has even learned a handful of English words and phrases to meet me halfway on this journey. Why? Because she has empathy for my inability to speak fluent Korean while your energies are directed towards television ratings and profit margins.
Our lives have become questionable sources for your entertainment programming because you view adoptees as āotherā and separate our experiences from what you view to be truly Korean. But Korean culture is not a static and immobile entity. We define it. And while the lives of adoptees are different from your own, we are still Korean and our experiences deserve to be recognized and treated with respect.
Your television programs may come and go, but Iām not going anywhere. I continue to live my truth with the unshaken support of my Korean family. And I owe no apology for being proud of who I am.
I would challenge any of you that work in television if you can say the same so confidently without me bursting out loud in laughter because undoubtedly, the joke would be on you.
The dude woke up this morning with the sniffles. Not sure if it's allergies, a cold or both. But he looked a little grumps getting up and ready for work.
Oh, woww; having the two of you on Tumblr is so exciting! The first (and second and third and ad nauseam) time I read Andy's piece in HuffPo, I cried my eyes out. Cannot wait to hear about future insights from both of you.
Drew here. Thanks for your nice message. Like you, everyone on Tumblr has been so awesome with welcoming us here. And don't worry, I cried too reading Andy's piece. It kind of went down like this:
P.S. -- Pay attention to the Interwebz on Monday, June 2. Andy wrote something new!
Tonight Andy will be one of the featured speakers at "Adoption Letters: Unsealed," an intimate evening event organized by Lost Lit, a literary arts organization in partnership with Land of Gazillion Adoptees.Ā
A little bit more behind tonight's event:
Lost Lit is thrilled to team up withĀ Land of Gazillion AdopteesĀ to bring you a unique spin on discussing adoption and its many shades of grey. Featured guests intimately invested in the adoption community will use the letter format to express their point of view. Itās our hope that with the co-mingling of these diverse voices, a new/different perspective about adoption will emerge for all attendees.
Also Featuring:Ā David Amarel, Martha Crawford, Lynne Connor, Kathryn Joyce, Joy Lieberthal, James Lane, and John Sanvidge. Kevin Vollmers, the mastermind behind Land of Gazillion Adoptees, will emcee the night.
Unfortunately, the event is SOLD OUT, but we will be posting Andy's letter after the event.
In the mean time, take a second to learn more about Lost Lit and tonight's event. You should also check out Land of Gazillion VoicesĀ for thoughtful and informative prose all about adoption.
