A Father’s Advice: Learning from past mistakes
September 27, 2017 1:52 pm
“Things not said.
Advice not given.
Envelopes unstamped.
Regrets enveloping me.
Is it easier there, I wonder?
I ponder, I guess.
Yes, I guess. Yes.”
— William Hill, Poems for My Son
So begins the opening episode of season two of This Is Us, A Father’s Advice. (SPOILERS AHEAD!) We hear William reading the words against an opening montage: Present day, the kids on their birthday. Randall running, excited about a new year and the possibility of adopting a baby. Kate and Toby relishing her decision to try out for a position as the lead singer in a band. Kevin filming in L.A., with Ron Howard, for his new movie project.
New beginnings and old mistakes. Sometimes we find ourselves locked into patterns we don’t even realize we’ve fallen into. It is so easy to ignore the signs. And sometimes, it is too late, when we discover the truth, to correct our course. But then again, sometimes, miraculously, it’s not.
Chrissy Metz as Kate, Chris Sullivan as Toby and Justin Hartley as Kevin in This Is Us. (Photo: Ron Batzdorff, NBC)
In romance novels, we talk a lot about the conflict. The thing that stands in the way of our hero or heroine gaining everything they desire. Oftentimes that conflict comes in the form of another person. Usually in romance novels, it’s the person our hero or heroine is falling in love with. But oftentimes, especially in real life, the real conflict is internal. A person’s worst enemy is often themselves, their own doubts and fears standing in the way of finding true happiness.
Self-sabotage is perhaps one of the most insidious forms of conflict, and nowhere is it more apparent than in the lives of the Pearsons. All of them in some way or another are locked into the patterns of the past. Jack trying to be better than his father. Rebecca trying to live up to her own potential and failing to see that she already has. Kate trying to cope with her image of herself and the way she believes that others see her. Kevin certain, deep inside, that he is the worthless sibling. Randall striving for perfection and, by so doing, setting himself up for perceived failure every time.
So the hope for the family as we open this second season is that new beginnings mean learning from past mistakes. But first they have to take that initial leap, and even more important, they have to recognize what it is that they truly want.
Sterling K. Brown as Randall in This Is Us. (Photo: Ron Batzdorff, NBC)
Last season’s premiere began on Jack, Kevin, Kate and Randall’s birthday. And this season brings us back again to that date. A seemingly new beginning for Kevin, Kate and Randall paralleled in the past with the haunting reminder of Jack’s perceived failures and impending death.
Framing a series with the known death of a character is a common device, but in this case, Jack’s death is almost more relevant than his life. As if his impact on his family has taken on new dimension, in part, because he is gone.
I’ve mentioned before how losing someone changes your image of them. Freeze-frames it, if you will, into a moment of both clarity and obscurity. Details are etched and lost. Traits are embellished and covered over. Memories are reshaped into what we need them to be.
I’m not saying that we lose track of the reality of the people we love, but I do think we see what we want to see. And sometimes, this revised reality comes at a cost. To our spouses, our parents, our siblings, our friends and to ourselves.
In some ways, that truth is the heart of This Is Us. It’s what calls to us every week and every episode.
As we move beyond the opening montage, we find that the new beginnings are never easy. Kevin is happy with his new job in Hollywood, and the crew surprises him with a birthday cake. But as he walks away from the studio, Sophie calls from New York to tell him she isn’t coming after all. Her mother is ill, and she can’t get away.
Justin Hartley as Kevin in This Is Us. (Photo: Ron Batzdorff, NBC)
Kevin is following one dream at the risk of another. But unlike last season, this time he seems to realize what is at risk, assuring Sophie that he understands and that he and L.A. will still be there when she can get away. It’s the same dilemma he faced when he lost Sophie the first time all those years ago. But maybe this time it will be different.
Meanwhile, Randall finds that Beth isn’t as open to adoption as he’d hoped. Beth is feeling left out of the decision making. Feeling plowed under by Randall’s enthusiasm and refusal to listen to her objections. She accuses him of trying to replicate the miracle of his life — honoring his two fathers — by re-creating his adoption. As she stalks away, she angrily tells him all they need is a baby from a fire station to make it perfect.
Back in L.A., Toby is working to build Kate’s confidence as she dresses for her singing audition, but when Kevin walks unannounced into the apartment and immediately takes over, Toby feels threatened. As always, Kate turns to Kevin, and he assumes the protector role. Old habits can be very bad for new beginnings. Especially the power of connection between twins vs. the newly built trust between lovers.
Randall, meanwhile, goes to his mom to try and make sense of both Beth’s hesitation and his own desires. When he asks Rebecca about his adoption, she replies, “It’s complicated.” And he responds with, “That’s something people say when they don’t want to tell the truth.” Which resonated with me, because it is sometimes so difficult to explain the why behind an action. And particularly to do so in a way that makes one appear sympathetic even when that isn’t the complete truth.
Mandy Moore as Rebecca in This Is Us. (Photo: Ron Batzdorff, NBC)
Rebecca does tell him what happened, though, painting herself as the hold-out and Jack as the one who pushed for the adoption despite her doubts. She goes on to tell him that sometimes someone in the relationship has to push for the big things. At first Randall sees himself in his father in relation to his situation with Beth. He is the one who must push for the right thing. But gradually he sees beyond the surface of his mother’s words and realizes that his marriage is not the same as his parents’ was. Each relationship is unique. And although he still wants to follow in Jack’s and William’s footsteps, he realizes he must do so in his own way.
Meanwhile, across town, Beth considers the situation while sitting in William’s favorite spot, remembering the wisdom and friendship he gave her, despite her doubts about letting him become a part of their family. And it is his advice that leaves her considering the possibilities of Randall’s suggestion to adopt rather than just the limitations of the idea. It is the wisdom of the father, in this case the father-in-law, that again guides Beth as she considers her problems with Randall.
Back in L.A., Kate, surrounded by beautiful, skinny women, chickens out of auditioning, but when she arrives at the birthday celebration restaurant (which Kevin in his own insecure way has completely bought out), she lies to Toby about what happened. Then when the truth comes out, he realizes that she had already confided the truth to Kevin. Toby again feels left out and angry at Kevin because of his close relationship with his sister.
Chrissy Metz as Kate in This Is Us. (Photo: Ron Batzdorff, NBC)
Kate, ignoring the bickering men in her life, sucks it up and realizes she has to give it a go, and so heads back to the audition.
Back together again, Randall and Beth talk, with him admitting that despite loving his parents, he doesn’t want his marriage to be the same as theirs. He recognizes that his relationship with Beth is different. And that he has spent his life struggling to be perfect and then dealing with the fallout when he, not unexpectedly, continues to fall short of his goal. He tells her that she is the reason he is strong. That together they are imperfectly perfect. And that he doesn’t need to adopt to honor his fathers.
Beth responds by taking him to William’s special place where she presents him with William’s poems, now leather-bound. And then points out that maybe the strength in what his parents did wasn’t adopting a baby in the face of their loss — but helping a child who desperately needed them. And that perhaps, that’s the path they should choose — adopting an older child who needs them. One who can come into their “perfect” world and not only benefit from their love, but make them all stronger in the process. Guided by both William and Jack, both Beth and Randall have found the strength in themselves and their relationship and come together as partners. Learning not just from the successes of the past but the failures as well.
In L.A., Kate returns to the audition, forces a chance and is rejected. Angry and determined to stand up for herself, she fights against what she believes is her dismissal on the grounds of being overweight. The man holding the auditions asks for a woman on stage to sing the song Kate just auditioned. The singer is amazing. And the man tells Kate that the amazing vocalist is only the backup singer and that Kate wasn’t rejected because of her looks, she was rejected because, vocally, she isn’t ready to compete at this level — yet.
Chris Sullivan as Toby and Justin Hartley as Kevin in This Is Us. (Photo: Ron Batzdorff, NBC)
Meanwhile, Kevin and Toby have a meeting of the minds, and Kevin admits that he is the guy in the room who is always trying the hardest, knowing that he’ll never be good enough. And that Kate is the one thing in his life he’s ever gotten right. Toby understands, but also insists that he’s part of Kate’s life now and should be the man she turns to.
When Kate returns to tell them of her deserved failure and how much she is revved to turn it into success, she suggests they go out for birthday celebration drinks.
As the final montage begins, set again against William’s wisdom, a revised version of “It is better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all,” we see Kevin look to Toby and pass on birthday drinks, saying he has an early call — ceding the stage, as it were, to Toby. And when he gets home, he finds Sophie waiting. She’s managed to get to L.A. after all. And Beth and Randall come together again as they contemplate the possibility of adopting an older kid.
William’s revised advice with time and perspective? “It is better to have loved and lost surely, but try not to lose at all.”
Throughout the episode, in the past, we have seen Rebecca’s and Jack’s pain as they are seemingly torn apart by Jack’s action at the club (the ending of last season). And when Rebecca finally comes to bring Jack home, he reveals the truth of what he believes is his ultimate failure. He has become his father. He is an alcoholic and has kept it a secret. He tells Rebecca that he can’t come home until he’s found a way to deal with it.
Milo Ventimiglia as Jack in This Is Us. (Photo: Ron Batzdorff, NBC)
For a moment, they stand on opposite sides of a closed door, their anguish apparent. And then Rebecca knocks on the door and tells him that she’s his wife and that they’ll deal with their problems together. “Get in the car,” she says. And then assures him as they drive home that a few months from now everything will be all right.
Flash-forward in the past to Rebecca driving in the car alone, wearing a Steelers jersey, a Ziploc of what looks to be Jack’s effects sitting in the car beside her. Then teenage Randall and Kate at Miguel’s, both of them in tears as Kate cries that they need to find Kevin. He needs to hear the “news” from her. Then a flash of Kevin in a cast, kissing a woman (presumably Sophie). And finally back to Rebecca as she stops in front of their house, the mailbox saying Pearsons in stark detail as the camera pans out to yellow police tape and the smoldering remains of the house.
Whether or not we are seeing the aftermath of Jack’s death, one thing is clear: Everything can change in an instant. And there is never enough time. Which makes it all the more important to live every day as if it was the most important. And to treat the people we love as if this is the only time with them we’ll ever have. Because nothing is certain. And tomorrow — it could all be gone.
And yet the beauty of This Is Us, is that nothing ends forever either. Jack lives on — in the hearts of his children, his friend and his wife. He still touches their lives, as does William. We are, in part, made up of the people who came before us.
The best stories are universal in nature. Not necessarily big in scope or earth-shattering. But rather simple stories that touch our hearts and feed our imaginations. The Pearsons resonate with all of us in one way or another. We mourn their losses and celebrate their successes. We let their lives touch our own.
Maybe because they are us.
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