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i just need to scream it out, scream it into the night.
dharma i miss you i am so lost without you i cannot stop crying please come back...please dont leave me here alone on this wretched earth....take me with you into the light please.....i dont want to live without you this is not how it was supposed to be
peppito your pedro misses you so much please baby come back i miss you i love you i hope you can hear me please
why :*(
it's been awhile but I will be using this blog from now on. I have put my personal blog on a hiatus along with the one fandom related blog that I run...
this will be my escape now. something anonymous and something away from everything else.
I just cant put my finger on it
i dont know but ever since I got back from AC on Thursday it seems the happiness and spunk I had was sapped from my body and I found myself on the verge of tears an hour ago.
sitting here, two tears trickled down my cheeks from my left eye and I just thought why? what is it now? what is it this time?
i take a step forward, but then take two back. make some progress, but have a setback. the thing that bothers me the most is not knowing what "triggers" these feelings.
when i am out of my house...like driving, or walking through a forest...with music...i dont even think about what i am thinking about, if that makes sense.
i just be, i just am. i feel the wind around me, see the colors pour through the leaves, smell nature in its essence. its euphoric and uplifting to say the least. i feel empowered, like I can achieve anything, my dreams and things i promised my dad...
its just i wish there was a way for me to figure out how to keep those feelings and motivations, inspirations without having some unknown source send me backwards...
it hurts, it makes me sad and feel defeated. i dont even know....
i just want to fall into a coma sometimes and wake up when i feel ready.
i really hope tomorrow I can go to a new forest i havent been to yet and wander around i really am hoping for nice weather.
and i wish there was something, that could numb the pain, take away all of the things that hurt me, just so i could breathe again..
im tired. going to watch battlestar galactica, read, play oregon trail on my phone, take my meds and sleep <3
seph if you read this i love you. theres stuff i am thinking about and i want to say but i dont know how. i dont know how to write them to you. i know how to show you. but i dont know how to tell you. all i can do right now is say i love you. hope youre okay dokay.
ahh, well, my elbow hurts and spotify has stopped playing sweet tunes.
If you have a moment, write a short message, a letter, to anyone who has ever touched you. Set aside your anger at your best friend, your parents, your siblings, your significant other for just a second to tell them how you feel about them, why they’re so important to you. And if you witness someone gambling with their life, try to help them out of it.
You never know who will be here tomorrow.
Kieran talked to me tonight for the first time in monthz
omg. words cannot express how much I missed him. I had thought he had forgotten about me. You see, he lives across the pond, in the Motherland, aka England. I posted a pic of him earlier and yesh yesh I love him to death and so. He broke his Skype X_X and finally emailed me to get mine so we could chat again.
found out one of his friends passed away this past week :( I feel for him I really do but I am sorta happy I don't know the details cuz I have enough on my plate and enough going on emotionally etc. If he wanted to talk of course I would listen, be strong, and be there for him, but turns out he wanted to chit chat about other stuffs which is just fine with me.
I am so happy though, that he got back in contact with me. Even if we didn't chat for a couple hours like we used to. It was nice to hear from him. To have his attention and be able to just ask "how are you?".
ahhh hm. I think more ice water is needed and some Project Runway and/or Teen Wolf.
There are some people in your life...
that no matter what is going on in the world, they make you feel at home. They lighten the load, and the mood. They bring a smile to your face, even for a second. What would I do without them?
sooo I am kinda happeh right now
Kieran, a friend of mine in the UK finally got around to emailing me after 2-3 months without talking or catching him on Skype. I was so happy and before even replying to his message, though it was short and to the point, I just sat there happily staring at the computer screen for awhile with a huge ass grin on my face, took a deep breath, and sighed. How I have missed him. He is like, so awesome. Words cannot express, how amazing this guy is. He is on another level, on another planet, in a different solar system, it its own galaxy. He means as much to me as Seph, whom I have come to love a lot. I may not get to talk to either of them on a super regular basis but, over the past year they are easily the two most important relationships/friendships I have nurtured. In addition to Evan, I love Seph and Kieran just as much. If ANYTHING ever happened to any of these three I can promise you I would be by their sides quicker than a flash of lightning. I got airline miles and I ain't scared to use em.
Anyhow, I did reply to him. He indicated that he wants to catch up on Skype which also made me smile. I am not tagging this as he will never find this blog ever, so, I will go ahead and share a photo of my babu with all of you, which prolly means like max 3 people might read this but idc lol. I always wanted to post a pic or two of him on here and now im gonna do it! He is gorg so beware hehe:
Ugh I am just...I have no words, no words, just feels. That is all.
So, I am hoping we will make time to chat on Skype, would be nice, and a break from this treadmill my mind is on...it's tiring and I know I am not the only one that feels like they are running in a hamster wheel T_T
I just wanna say a few more quick things: For Seph, I hope you have a blast this weekend babu and if there is anything I can do for you or just knowing that if you need a ride, a smoke, a place to crash for a night, an escape, a hug, a walk in the park, a shoulder to cry on, a blanket to snuggle, someone to hold you who loves you, who wants to see you happy because you deserve it, who admires you and respects you...who wishes one day to regain my own strength and be as strong as you, I am here for you and I will always be here for you. I will never turn my back on you as long as my soul is inhabiting my body. I hope to be able to take you to California with me. And I want to learn things from you. We both deserve to be happy and I couldn't think of a better more deserving friend than to tell you this, and offer to take you to a place where you deserve to go, a place where you belong, where you can heal, with me! A refreshing sense of mind, to be at peace with your emotions and not at war.
I pray this coming weekend is a new start and good indication of how the fall will go. Babu, you lemme know when you're ready to go, and you know what, maybe we go to Cali in November for my birthday yeah? Maybe. Don't you worry about a thing qurrlll I got you covered like white on rice <3 I got you now, always and forever.
As for Kieran, since he is across the pond, and Laura and Mark and Rikard who are over there too...I said October but it is looking more like 2013. I have unfinished business here in N America and with my family. This stuff comes first, then, I will re entertain those plans to get back to my second love and second home, the beautiful UK.
Anyways, this blog is private. Kieran's look has changed a little since that pic, took out his septum and bridge, and hair is a tad bit shorter but still his tall, gorgeous, English handsome self, with a bit of sass and wit. Can never go wrong with that, and a good sense of fashion too. I dun wanna ramble about him cuz my heart aches to see him. Soon, I keep telling myself, soon.
Night tumblr wonderland.
And if I am mentioning you in this blog and ever figure out who I am, feel... that I acknowledge your existence to some extent, good or bad, and that is a lot more than I can say for the rest of the human population in our world. xx
Weird dreams
I have been having the weirdest dreams lately. I don't understand them. I had a couple different ones this past night and I had been thinking about them all day and now that I have actually sat down to write about them it feels like I have forgotten about most of them, so weird.
The other day though I had a dream about my favorite DJ and it was so awesome. I ran into him at a show in my dream, but it wasn't his he wasn't performing. He was a spectator like myself. In real life he has a gf and she wasn't with him in my dream. It wasn't romantic at all which is awesome cuz I don't feel that way about him anyhow.
What happened was that when I met him I was more shocked and then I thought it was so cool he was attending other artists shows to support them and like, even got a regular spot amongst the crowd to watch the show and not stuffed backstage or behind 10 security guards.
During the show he and I just danced and sang along to the music and enjoyed all of the live performances. After it was over, he gave me a hug and said he would autograph anything of mine that I wanted him to. So, I started taking everything out of my backpack and he signed everything with a black sharpie, even my silver Canon camera lol. Then when he saw the camera, he took two or three photos with me. One normal one and two silly photos of us being goofs.
After having night terrors for the past two weeks, having this dream a night or two ago, was so happy and refreshing and uplifting. When I woke up I just smiled. I wasn't sad that it was fake. But it just made me happy and it was very realistic.
It showed me that I do understand him, as a person and as a professional, and it just reinforces to me why I care about him and his music so much: cuz he makes my life happier and he is overly dedicated to his fans. What happened in my dream, I could definitely see him doing in real life, with or without his gf. She's really cool and I wouldn't have minded if she was in my dream but I think my subconscious knew she wasn't gonna be there cuz logically in real life, at this moment in time, it doesn't make sense. She is getting ready to release her own album and isn't with him on the last legs of his tours for this year right now. Which apparently, I guess, my subconscious knew lol.
Anyays, I am glad I got to write about something happy today instead of something sad or bad, like the dreams I had last night that I have now forgotten.
natti natt. <3
Trying to find happiness while you're grieving
Part of me feels relieved that I am not the only person on this planet that has struggled with this in my life. I am not ignorant and I already knew that I wasn't the only person in the world that is having a difficult time with this, but I never thought it would be this hard.
My dad died on September 12, 2004.
I will eventually get around to elaborating about that at some point in time on here but the reason why I even brought this up in the first place is because of recent conversations my family and I have been having.
We are having a lot of problems with my Aunt and Grandmother and it's really disheartening. And, the root of these problems stems from when my Dad passed away 8 years ago this coming September.
Also, I am finishing series 6 of Skins UK and I just finished the episode where Franky has completed cracked following the death of Grace and she basically resorts to harmful behavior and bad decisions in the wake of Grace's passing. People try to reach out to her to help during the fallout from the tragedy but she resists. Not because she doesn't want to get better or simply doesn't really want help but because she is so hurt she is lost in her own mind.
I know what it feels like. I have been there. Also, Franky feels responsible for what happened to Grace much like I feel responsible for what happened with my Dad.
It is hard. One might think that 8 years after someone's passing, maybe the hurt wouldn't hurt as much. Maybe the pain would lessen or be less persistent. Maybe the horrible memories of that day would eventually start to fade with time. Maybe, life might get a litter better as things moved along. While the world still turns, the blackhole inside my heart continues to widen and deepen, and the memories of that day remain forever burned into my mind.
Call it what you may, it does not really matter. I relate to what happens throughout all of the series of Skins UK, everything they depict is real and actually happens in real life.
It's just for me, I want so badly to be happy but all I find is a lingering sadness, flashbacks, unfinished business, memories, reminders, and problems that keep stemming from that day.
The Perishers said it best in their song "Pills"
One may think we're alright
But we need pills to sleep at night
We need lies to make it through the day
We're not okay
And so I leave it that I am going back to therapy and treatment of sorts this September. I need to heal and get healthier and feel better and live my life, and so do the rest of my immediate (blood) related family members.
Guten Nacht <3
Gemini - "Blue" Lyrics
2011 Blue EP by Gemini
'Cause you're lost in front of me It's true I'm losing you [x2] And you know it's over When you're going down Take everything and live for the moment It's only gonna bring you down tonight When you're locked up in my view It's true, I love you When you're locked up in my blue It's true, I love you And you know it's over When you're going down Take everything and live for the moment It's only gonna bring you down Bring you down [x3] When I'm lost I'll come to you So blue, I'm feeling you When I'm lost I'll come to you I'm blue, I feel you And you know it's over When you're going down Take everything and live for the moment It's only gonna bring you down Bring you down [x3] And you know it's over When you're going down Take everything and live for the moment It's only gonna bring you down tonight [x2]
I feel a great weight has been lifted with the creation of this new tumblr account. I am hoping it will be of great use to me in the coming days.
