I’m Okay

though the reality feels so empty

[iamokaye]

Life lately

I’m typing these thoughts because I can’t seem to tell them to anyone.

Ever since the quarantine happened, my life has gone crazier than usual. I became busier, more stressed, there are a lot of ups and downs but most of all, I became more depressed.

The passing of my father is one of the reasons why. I slightly blamed and regretted that I wasn’t there for 2 years before he passed away. I should visited and took care of him when he was having a hard time. My heart aches so much. It’s been almost a year.

Another one is my career. I’ve been juggling jobs since quarantine, I took freelancing gigs while doing my corporate job. I also opened a business and planning to open another one next month. I admit, I am a slave for money. It is not because I’m greedy but I need to work 4 times more because I have a family of 4 to support and feed. My stress mostly come from this, from being the eldest child and having loads of responsibilities.

I am tired. I wanna quit my corporate job because it doesn’t pay well and it’s not good for my mental health anymore. But even if it doesn’t pay a lot, I still need it. I was planning to quit it because I thought my business was going well not until this year. Sales were down, engagements and also my motivation in continuing the business. I became busier with work that I wasn’t able to pay attention to it.

Living this life is mentally exhausting because I feel like I’m running out of time and that I am not good enough for anything. I am trying to learn. I work 12 hours a day plus learn some new things on the side. But I am not really getting what I wanna achieve. Sometimes conditioning myself that “good things take time” isn’t helpful. I am hating myself for it. I also know that every person has their own timeline, but I get insecure and jealous over the people who got what they want without actually working for it. I am also hating myself for it. I tried not to look at other people, believe me. I also admit that I am my own life’s toxicity. I hate it.

Sorry, I just want to let these out because going to therapy is very expensive for me. I tried, but I can’t. Okay, I’m out.

[iamokaye]

This quarantine is making me really think of things that I want to do afterwards. Though these thoughts make me anxious too. I’m so jealous of those people who are being productive on this situation, I can’t even work well (even more at this time). But last night I made up my mind, and these are my long term plans (which are subject to change but I hope not).

1. Invest invest invest! I have already started (just today, I’m so proud!) studying more about trading. Studied more since I took financial math way back in college. I am planning to invest in the foreign market, PH economy is quite... bad.

2. Learn more about my passion. I’ve been an amateur graphic & layout designer since I was in high school. Took part time jobs here and there, org responsibilities, and currently I’m having another part time job (together with my full time!) as a Marketing Associate/Graphic Designer on a start-up brand. This is my second time doing this kind of job like a social media manager and I must say that I’m really enjoying it more than my actual job. This connects with the next one.

3. Early retirement on the corporate world and start freelancing and my own brand. After doing #1 and #2, this will be my next step. I am really confident that the corporate world isn’t for me. I love doing things freely and on my own, yes I still need some supervision or approval from clients but I don’t like working in the office. Is it just me? My job is great, pay is so-so even when my job is supposed to be the “4th highest paid jobs” in PH. Maybe I’m just unlucky? It should be with “Terms & Conditions” lol. I thought I would enjoy this but my anxiety is keeping me from growing... and I don’t know, I just don’t see myself improving in this field. Or I’m not allowing myself to improve? I really don’t know, maybe I’m just demotivated and that I’m super anxious and traumatized about having to study again just so I can “improve” or be acknowledged.

4. Marry my boyfriend. This one’s self explanatory.

I’ve got a lot more but I have to think twice or many times more before I put them on this list.

[iamokaye]

1:15 am—my mind is confused whether i’m sad or numb. though i feel pain rushing through my head. is it anxiety? is it migraine? is it because i’m holding back my tears? i don’t know. what i’m sure of is i’m tired, i want to escape. may i sleep? fuck i’ve been having insomnia. i hate this hour, it makes me feel lonelier. oh and i’m having bad thoughts. do i really have to wake up tomorrow? how do i stop this pain? why do i feel helpless? stop, i’m tired.

[iamokaye]

Same. Living feels like a chore.

[iamokaye]

Year end drama

For 2020, I just want a better mental and physical health. Almost everything fell apart this year because of my deteriorating health—my motivation to do better in work and life, my happiness, my finances, my relationship with other people, and many more. I want to do better, I want to become better for myself and for everyone who believes in me. This year was tough but I’m still thankful for all the blessings I’ve received. I’m praying for more next year.

[averagefairy]

i really admire people who do things. i hope to be someone who does things one day

[iamokaye]

My 2019 summary

It’s a tough year but I survived.

[iamokaye]

I don’t know where to put my sadness. Why do I have to end this day like this...

[suffering-tm]

are you a “sleeping and taking naps all the time” mentally ill person or a “i toss and turn all night and stare at the ceiling” person

[gavinsnose]

Ha ha jokes on you I’m both

[cinnalune-deactivated20220510]

depression nap in the streets, up all night pondering corporeal existence in the sheets.

[iamokaye]

I’ve always wanted to quit life but I also always find myself trying to survive each day. As if I really want to do that. Well it’s just another depressive episode.

[iamokaye]

I’m so tired

Of being me.

Of feeling so much pain.

Of fighting with my anxieties.

Of being alive.

[iamokaye]

Kinda want to die or leave my life now to start a new one.

[iamokaye]

It’s getting worse. I can’t remember a lot of events from the past, they are unclear. I’m also feeling out of myself lately, some things and events happened to me felt so unreal.

I should seek help.

[iamokaye]

When your own home doesn’t feel home at all, it’s the worst. My heart never felt comfortable for awhile now.

[iamokaye]

When you want to do a lot of things but your depression says no.

[iamokaye]

I love my boyfriend so much. I’ve never been understood this much in my life. Wish he won’t get tired of me because I want us to be together until I die.

[ellievhardy]