A letter to self; considering suicide and an unhappy self.
“You are not by yourself”, “there are people who care about you”, “you are loved and you are valuable”. Those were the common words that I hear or read when someone told anyone when they were lonely and sad. How could you say that when you don’t know how they are feeling? …
How are you? I don’t have to ask you because I already know. TJ, you are tired, losing hope, and not happy. You have so many thoughts that you think was right but has gone wrong. The road you were taking lately has taken you lonely. You are miserable. And you think your feelings right now is alright? Yes, it’s alright.
He is Tee Jay, Teej as called by many, at his quarter life, and not a believer of depression and anxiety unless it is professionally diagnosed. Recently, he just found his self at a black hole, consuming his thoughts and he could not seem to escape. It was dark and painfully lonely. He couldn’t even convince himself to do his daily activities.
One morning he woke up, sobbing. It was an awful feeling. He was questioning every situation. He was alone and never left his apartment for 2 months. He was even gone in social media for several weeks. In a span of time, he lost his mother, he lost his lover, was raped, he’s `about to lose his job, broke, bankrupt with continuously bills coming, and had to come terms with having family problems which he couldn’t open with any of his problems because he had to show them that he is strong and must continuously support them specially his father no matter what, because he is not straight, because of the culture, because of the pressure, he was always a mediocre, nothing was his best. He was scared. He was scared because he was starting to forget how it feels to be happy, because he felt that he was giving up everything he once fought so hard, he didn’t know where to go and who to talk to, and most specially, he was scared because he just wanted to die. He got up, no breakfast, opened a bottle of alcohol, saw stocks of medicines. He took several pills, antibiotics, gastric medications, and many more, he even consumed a blister pack of Metronidazole. Then he prayed while crying, said sorry and he was also thankful. He made last notes and he fell asleep hoping he should be already dead after that. In no time, he felt his fast and pounding heartbeat, trembling headache, he vomited with freshly red substance, and was sweating so much. He saw himself at the mirror, he was red and exhausted, he felt pity, and he broke down whining.
He used to love himself so much, full of life and so happy, with his dreams and goals but he didn’t know anymore. He thought every tomorrow is just daunting.
He survived? He would be lying if he said it was easy. Some say that committing suicide was such a weak, selfish, and coward act, yet it is not, you can’t imagine how much bravery that must take. He kept on living because he was sacred of leaving his family, he knew that some people love him but he didn’t know how to talk to them, and he was afraid of what they would think.
He found himself praying for the strength to end it all, he felt like a coward his whole life, he was lost, angry, scared, and lonely. He kept telling himself he couldn’t do anything right and he couldn’t even kill himself!
But he was glad he couldn’t do it. It wasn’t easy to go through the pain he was going through. He is loved by the people and he didn’t look for people to fill the void within himself. He continuously being open to love, positivity, and life. Finally, he needed to not look for motivation anywhere else when he has happiness hidden within himself. He is lovable. It is okay to be unhappy but don’t dwell in it and make it a habit.
PS: I don’t know if this is going to really help myself, but now, I still feel miserable and down. I still don’t know what to do to surpass these problems. I just typed this to keep me motivated but honestly, I’m still problematic. The reality keeps hitting me and I am about to lose it this time.
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