IANUARIUS ! independent, private, low activity multimuse ft. primarily canon characters from multiple media. beloved by hades. 30+. she / they. CARRD. x-kit rewritten.
header made by the lovely @yasashiiku !
STUDIES IN: a man turned into a living myth, chaos honed into a weapon, well-intended extremism, outgrowing your former self, fate and the cost of controlling it, the balance between being a warrior and being a leader, heralding in the dawn of a new era, and upending an old, corrupted system to build a new one.
current muses.
KING. ONE PUNCH MAN. heavily canon divergent.
CLARISSE LA RUE. PERCY JACKSON & THE OLYMPIANS. semi-canon divergent.
OBITO UCHIHA. NARUTO. canon divergent.
SERIZAWA KATSUYA. MOB PSYCHO 100. canon compliant.
JUDGE Q. THE GOD OF HIGH SCHOOL. semi-canon divergent.
CANDEROUS ORDO / TE TAYLIR MAND'ALOR. KOTOR. semi-canon divergent.
COUNT ZEID DOOKU. STAR WARS. mostly legends based, some canon influence.
GRACE. STRAY GODS. kick-ass / clever. canon compliant.
not sure where i’m gonna get with things for today and tomorrow, I’m spending time with my mom this weekend since my birthday is on monday and she doesn’t get off work until late evening.
PROMPTS FOR PRE ESTABLISHED CONNECTIONS AND CREATING HISTORY BETWEEN CHARACTERS.
@ecsile :: "i was there, remember?"
here, in the dark, there was a means of masking what he felt. A WEIGHT. it pressed down upon his shoulders— some inescapable press of gravity ( and a haunting notion that where he stood now was by chance ) —leaving an itch between his shoulders that fed into an ache. what was the point of such a reminder ? should he be honored by a valiant heart ? it’s an attempt to connect, bridge, as if it would smooth over the horror and pain that laced those last moments. the galaxy was already a hungry, unknowable entity. a wide maw that swallowed unfortunate lives and memories whole without remorse.
staggering, for one moment, mandalore remembered the sight. never for one moment had he believed space could be so devoid of light, sound, and life, and never did he wish to experience that chill that blanketed him again. so, he drew up, all teeth and fury, wrapping himself in such familiar trappings.
malachor v was an end and a beginning.
and that’s all he wanted it to be. nothing more, nothing less. a decisive strike that scattered all of his people as they watched the galaxy’s indifference to swallowing them whole. as if in tribute. as if retribution for their crimes as whole clans had been devoured in one singular moment. mandalore remembered standing at the edge of the wreckage he floated in, where for one long moment, there existed an event where nothing else could be or penetrate— something he felt he could have reached out and touched. A SOLID POWER.
then a sudden emptiness as everything snapped back all at once with planet and debris all crashing together.
mandalore tempered himself, only here without armor, was it all too easy to read him. his beskar’gam was a wall, no less a physical barrier, but also a guard for his soul. his fingers twitched, ‘ of course i do, ’ he barely lifts his head when the chassis of the durasteel room began to creak. he hates this ship. he hates the memories. would he escape it this time ? ( or stare at the back of it in the cold winds of another planet ? ).
he knows what tidreen is hailed as— he’s heard the words, and then, he let it go. it was better that way. ‘ does it matter ? being the arbiter of sins ? ’ he refused to let them dig further, any of them, this is not a ragtag group of people who learned to be together— this is just A NECESSITY. there is no warmth in these familiar halls, only ghosts and two damn droids with issues. ‘ i suppose some can say the republic and jedi created their own sins there, too, but don’t bother— we came looking and you gave it to us. ’ he wasn’t the balm she’d need to soothe herself.
if nothing else about kotor it will never fail to make me crazy about how the writing team tried to project age in it ( without stating it except in mission's case ) and then fail miserably at this.
anyways gonna casually delude myself into sweeter thoughts by thinking of any of the disaster lineage ( or jo or sifo ) asking dooku to sketch them and he does, but poorly on purpose, because he'd say they didn't ask for it to be good.
prefacing this by saying i believe yoda was doing what he fully believed was best and doing what he thought his padawans and students needed. however, it kind of makes it worse in the context of his relationship with dooku. i also have no doubts on the fact that yoda cared deeply for him, we see that he still thinks about dooku and grieves for him even decades later and how he feels he failed him when luke turns up to be trained.
whether or not you focus on eu or canon dooku, you have a kid who eventually learns that his family abandoned him and left him to die. so, what does a kid do ? he massively overcompensates. he was already a very gifted kid, excelled for his age. but, then, dooku throws himself straight into his studies like his life depended on it to the very detriment of his social life and mental health.
now, a good adult would look at this and come around to the conclusion eventually that something is wrong there. hint: very deep-seated lack of self-worth.
which borders into imposter syndrome when i include this into the fact i believe dooku to be a sociopath ( and by virtue of being raised by monks he didn't get worse until plagueis and palpatine stuck their stupid slipper-covered feet in the door and started influencing him for years like palpatine also does to anakin later on ).
i believe dooku is someone that started out as believing people could ONLY value him for his achievements. especially when you factor in lorian nod or arath tarrex and how the adults in his life reinforced him... now, dooku can be an extremely unreliable narrator, but i see no reason why he'd lie about things like that in the context we were given. he convinced himself that if it weren't for his exceptional talents that nobody would want him around ( like how his family did not want him ). that if he could not perform to their standards, he could not be loved or liked.
now, enter yoda, someone who is said to be a fantastic jedi and a great teacher.
however, he fails to see through dooku's façade. through the act of his pomp and pride to hide his huge feelings on inadequacy. and, to be fair to that little green gremlin (affectionate), he does what he does out of concern for a rising star of an initiate; and frankly, said kid is by no means inadequate and that's obvious to everyone but him.
so, yeah, if dooku is going to be a great jedi one day, he needed to get his pride cut off at its knees to cut that shit out. so, what does the grandmaster of the order do ? sit down and have a long talk with him ? tell him a parable over tea ? no, he starts pushing all of dooku's buttons instead.
let's talk about the story in dark rendezvous, about the push-feather game, which leads to one of my favorite things said to dooku ( when you fall, apprentice, catch you i will ) but... dooku was really good at this game. and yoda had a habit of playing this with the initiates often and was happy to go easy so they can beat him, at least every once in a while.
but not with dooku.
he soundly puts this kid on his ass every time, instantly.
now, was it a big deal ? i'd argue no, IF it was any other kid. any other kid would probably come to the conclusion that they can't always be the best and that winning isn't everything. but dooku is a goddamn stubborn kid and insecure as shit. so he doesn't quit. he keeps trying to desperately beat yoda, even though he knows it won't happen, and it gets to this point where his only conclusion is to throw a game— and hurt himself in the process on top of that !!! —to prove somehow that yoda has singled him out this whole time. because he thinks, then, everyone will have to acknowledge the situation.
yoda, thankfully, knows what his intentions are before the game begins and refuses to play, claiming he's already won. thus we get the scene we all love with the hug.
and, don't get me wrong, i love it... but i have concerns.
yoda never verbalized his intentions, and then, didn't stop or even try talking to dooku once he realized his plan was not working. he believes the lesson in humility is more important than whatever reasons dooku has had for his behavior or whatever feelings may be driving said actions. it took WEEKS for dooku to even start to catch on to the lesson... and i think that should have been a sign that something is wrong here. that he wasn't just being a cocky little brat. people don't just throw themselves at brick walls repeatedly if they're mentally sound. yoda was so intent on teaching this lesson to dooku, even if it became obvious the way he was doing it was not working for the person that was meant to be learning...
now, this interpretation can sound harsh, and that's fair. i see yoda as the type who wants experience to be the best teacher; unfortunately, i see the harm here might have outweighed the lesson learned.
before i get into this next example, i'll say, personally, this is why i refer to dooku as an unreliable narrator some days because the scene i'm bringing up from jedi lost is extreme to say the least. it's kind of preposterous and i'm never sure whether i take this as dooku misremembering, purposefully being misleading, or if it's actually something that happened. but, also, jedi lost tends to push a bit of the narrative on how dooku was kind of always evil from the start and i don't fuck with that take— especially with him ordering ventress to kill his sister right in front of him ( personally, i think he would not kill anyone he loves so impersonally, hence my dislike of how sifo-dyas dies, too. he wants help, he wants to be helped, he doesn't want to be alone ) —like i don't fuck with the rots novelization introducing attributes ( the racism, xenophobia, etc [though i could argue from an angle that it was part of the count façade he built up, sadly] ) into him he didn't have before.
but, hey, i take what scraps i can get.
man's a misguided tragedy. genuinely good points, undeniably started out with good intentions, but became too jaded to have ever accomplished what he set out to do. he was already violent, manipulative, and arrogant well before he began working with sidious. he would have gone down a dark path regardless even without making a deal with the devil on purpose.
so, in jedi lost, we see the start of their apprenticeship— they are made master and padawan. and dooku is so eager, he arrives at their first training session ready to learn and to do his best —and underneath the tree we see in totj and tcw, is yoda meditating. and he won't respond to anything that dooku does or says.
and, then, he continues to ignore his padawan for an entire month. yoda gives him the goddamn silent treatment for a whole fucking month. and dooku makes it very clear he is NOT okay with this and is not handling this well emotionally. running around asking other masters for advice, openly asking yoda what it is he's doing wrong, and even lifts four stone pillars to prove to yoda he is worthy of this apprenticeship ( neat parallel to savage later ).
the amount of undue emotional stress he is put through and it raises not one red flag to yoda. dooku was pulling his hair out wondering if his worst nightmare had come true because somehow he couldn't perform well enough and thus he's not worthy of the apprenticeship, worthy of praise, or affection unless he's The Best™. and, when you consider where he was at in the jedi lost continuity, dooku has had multiple encounters with sith artifacts which has shaken him each time and has got major daddy issues because he's met gora and heard him call dooku a " little freak ". and yoda just, he ignores this, he doesn't address these things with dooku.
and he was hit with the silent treatment for a month. yeah, like, damn if that kind of would not fuck you up. it certainly didn't help dooku's self-worth issues. and how he's trying so hard to be good as someone who doesn't see the galaxy as others do, to fit in ( i'll slide in my sketching headcanon about him and how he did these to do facial studies to better mimic emotions ), to make people like him, to not be a failure.
ultimately, i think yoda was always very set on doing things his way even when it was hurting more than helping. and i think i generally agree with dooku's assessment that yoda got complacent based off these kind of moments we get in regards to their relationship.
but i also don't want it to have always been trials and tribulations for them because i am fond of the goblin and his aristocratic son. and how yoda still thinks so often of dooku fondly and doesn't want him to be behind what's going on in the shape up to the clone wars and how he still grieves him for so long and........
mood: going to burger king @ 11 PM, ordering several medium fries, sitting there & eating them in a completely mentaly/emotionally detached state, while wearing one of their paper crowns
based on this suggestions blog. warning: these are pretty dark/angry & could be triggering to some people. please be cautious before proceeding!!
‘ all i want in my life is for my friends to be able to touch me suddenly & me to not flinch away without meaning to. when will this stop affecting me? ’
‘ all i want is to be soft & gentle, but i’m made out of steel & anger. maybe in another life, i guess. ’
‘ beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so choose to see beauty in everything. ’
‘ burning it all to the ground & force them to start again. they made you lose everything. now return the favor. ’
‘ do i ever even cross your mind or do i do all the thinking of us on my own? ’
‘ do you trust me enough? do you trust me at all? ’
‘ don’t you dare abandon me. ’
‘ even after all you have done, i will always want you fighting on my side. ’
‘ every time i see you smile i fall in love with your brightness all over again. ’
‘ everyone i have ever loved is long gone. i sing to the sky alone. ’
‘ everyone i touch gets hurt, but i can’t stop. i touch & i touch & i touch & people get hurt. why can’t i ever stop? ’
‘ everyone says i used to be a hero, but i can still taste the blood in my mouth & still feel bruises blooming because of my fists & my eyes are still stretched wide & terrified. ’
‘ everything i love has been taken from me. what do i have left to fight for? ’
‘ fall in love with someone that makes you feel strong. ’
‘ friends are more important than any material object will ever be. ’
‘ i am aching to hold you & keep you safe, to be pressed against you so that nothing can harm you. ’
‘ i am divine & you will bow before me. ’
‘ i am fucking divine. ’
‘ i am in control & i listen to no one. ’
‘ i am not a good person. don’t pretend i am. ’
‘ i am not accustomed to love. this is a learning experience. ’
‘ i am not worth saving & i am not worth redemption. let me stay in the dark. ’
‘ i am so tired all the time, all i want to do is rest. ’
‘ i am too tired to deal with any of this. ’
‘ i bow to no man. ’
‘ i broke into sharp pieces when i broke & i expect someone else to hurt their hands on my edges just to put me back together. i’m sorry. ’
‘ i can give you your wings back & i can show you to fly once more, if you only believe in me. ’
‘ i cannot be saved. ’
‘ i can’t ask for help because if i ask for help it hurts people. i can bear this weight on my own. i have to. ’
‘ i could taste the lies in your mouth every time i kissed you, but i loved you too much to notice. ’
‘ i crave affection in the simplest way. ’
‘ i deserve to hurt. i deserve to bleed. ’
‘ i didn’t ask for any of this so don’t you dare blame this on me. ’
‘ i don’t care if you say my name like it’s poison or like it’s a prayer, as long as it leaves your lips. ’
‘ i don’t fight for you anymore. ’
‘ i don’t want to let go of you. not now, not ever. ’
‘ i don’t want to talk about it. i don’t want to remember. i don’t want to heal. all i want is for it to go away. ’
‘ i don’t want you to touch me. please don’t touch me, just go away. ’
‘ i feel anger deeper than my bones. i feel anger in my very soul. ’
‘ i feel nothing at all, except for when i feel everything all at once. ’
‘ i have fallen & though i may miss the sky, i belong here now. ’
‘ i have fallen from a height your mind cannot even imagine. ’
‘ i have no home anymore. ’
‘ i remember collapsing in the flames with a sword in my hand & then i remember nothing. ’
‘ i see beauty in everything, but especially in you. ’
‘ i should never have fallen in love with you. ’
‘ i thought for a long time that i was so terrible no one would look at me. now i know it’s because i shine so bright they are forced to look away. ’
‘ i was so caught up in the feeling that i forgot how to breathe. ’
‘ i will never amount to anything. i am a failure in the worst type of way. ’
‘ i will tell myself that the burn of my loneliness in my chest completes me & maybe someday it will be true. ’
‘ if that’s what a hero is i’m glad i’m not one anymore. ’
‘ if you ask me to, i will set the whole world on fire, my dear. it’s all for you. ’
‘ is it my fault? it’s my fault. it’s always my fault. ’
‘ it’s not murder if they deserved it, right? ’
‘ i’m drowning in emotions that don’t belong to me, choking on anger & suffocating on sadness. ’
‘ i’m in love with everything that hurts me. ’
‘ i’m okay. i’m alright. this is all in my mind. ’
‘ i’m ready to give up everything i’ve ever had if it means someone will love me. ’
‘ i’m so cold & i can’t stop shaking. i am not who you think i am. ’
‘ i’m so tired all the time & i just want to be awake again. ’
‘ i’m tired of fighting against the pain of being forgotten. i just want someone to remember me. ’
‘ i’m tired of fighting everything in my life. just make it stop. ’
‘ i’m too tired to care. blow up, get angry at me. i’m sure someday i’ll realize i deserved it. ’
‘ jealousy burns within me. ’
‘ just let me go in peace for once in my damn life. ’
‘ loneliness is a disease & it leaves me empty & hollow, like sound goes through my body & bounces back. ’
‘ made of starlight & sunshine, i shine brighter than they all know. ’
‘ my anger is righteous & my actions are pure. ’
‘ my chest aches & my lungs burn. this sickness comes from the inside. ’
‘ my chest hurts & all i need is some comfort & understanding. ’
‘ my chest hurts & i ache to go back to the sky. ’
‘ my shoulders are aching where wings used to be & all i want is for them to stop hurting. ’
‘ pull me apart & piece me together in your own way. make me perfect. ’
‘ righteous fury throws through my veins & if you touch the people i love i will destroy you. ’
‘ rise up. you can’t keep being small when you were made for so much more. ’
‘ say my name like it’s the only one that’s ever been on your tongue. ’
‘ so much blood has been spilled in my name. time to make you believe it was in yours. ’
‘ so you’ll worry about me when i fall silent, but not when i scream & plead for help? fuck off. ’
‘ sometimes people have to get hurt for me to get what i want. ’
‘ stay away from my fucking friends. stay the fuck away or so help me i will destroy you. ’
‘ stop treating me like i’m an idiot. you aren’t better than me in any way & you better remember that. ’
‘ the bitter taste of regret is ever present on my tongue. ’
‘ the world is spinning far too fast for me to stay on it. ’
‘ to love them is my divine right. ’
‘ voices whisper from the shadows & they fill my mind with thoughts of you. ’
‘ what did i to wrong to be so unloved? ’
‘ what is the point of power if i’m not supposed to use it? ’
‘ who the fuck do you think you are? ’
‘ why can’t i ever fucking stop crying? ’
‘ with a new year comes new tests & triumphs. let’s try to make the most out of it. ’
‘ would it really kill you to be honest for once? ’
‘ yes, i remember my wings breaking & being destroyed. i was powerless to stop it. ’
‘ you are not required to love your parents, or to even like them. ’
‘ you can’t hate me more than i hate myself, but you are more than welcome to try. ’
‘ you may say you love me, but you love only a part of me. i am too complex for you to ever love my entire being. ’
‘ you never fucking cared about me. don’t fucking lie about it. not to me. ’
‘ you remind me of mint. fresh, sharp, kind of cold, but in a nice way. i always knew there was a reason mint was my favorite. ’
‘ you shine light in even the darkest parts of me. you are my sun. ’
‘ you should fear me, but you don’t. i will be eternally puzzled, yet grateful. ’
‘ you touch me & my skin burns & it burns for you, always you. ’
i can’t sleep so everyone gets my babbling about dooku right now and how the order is so intrinsically tied to his character and how he still cares for them, both lineage and not, on some profoundly deep level where he’s tried to bury it so far down. accepted that they might all die in terrible, gruesome ways. but you can literally hear it and see it any time he and obi-wan interact, because if there’s something dooku is good at, it’s lying to himself. even with yoda and him, too. he wants help. he desperately also wants to help. ultimately he holds so much disdain for the republic and how it uses the order and, on some level, it was something he wished to change. he couldn’t abide how they were used on every world the republic saw a stake or wealth in but, stars forbid, if you were a world with no value in the republic’s eyes. there’s something so very much idealistic and radical in dooku and the republic and senate grated on him, the inaction grated on him— his whole moment of leaving is not because of some grand disillusionment with the order. in the moment of crisis, it’s because he thought he could do something good for serenno. which is what ends up making the betrayal to the order so much more personal, much worse, treacherous— [vague frustrated gestures]— the order would have been innocent collateral damage in the swathe he’d cut across the republic. he would have burned it all down, doomed them all, and that just makes him so… real. it’s tragic, it’s human, it’s horrible, it makes him interesting.
