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@ibafterlife
Seriously, isn’t he the most beautiful human on earth?!
That cute shy smile, hiding behind that wild hair, all those smiley wrinkles, I love them all. That high concentration, oh you look so lovely when you’re focused. You look lovely doing anything at all.
I’m so in love with you, I can’t deny. But you really just are the most wonderful and beautiful person in ev ery way, there is wandering on the face of earth.
I am happy!!
Yes! You read that correctly: I am happy. As happy as I could be actually and believe me: I am so grateful for it.
Wasn’t I happy before? Well,I wasn’t in a really bad place, but I wasn’t really happy, no, especially since I now feel how it feels to be happy, I can certainly say that I wasn’t before. But what has happened? What miracle did appear for me to feel happy again? Well let me tell you all about it.
This year has been quite turbulent, as it has been for all of us thanks to the ongoing pandemic. Talking about that, I really didn’t mind the first big lockdown in Germany, as I was happily running and biking outside and since I’m not much of a people’s person anyway I was quite content whereas others were dying halfway because the clubs were closed and what not. ANYHOW.
I had a lot of trouble with my, now, ex boyfriend. Many things occured and I was finding myself more and more unhappy with evrything, however I never really had the courage to walk away as he was in a super complicated situation himself so I wanted to be with him and help him through all of his troubles but I had to learn the hard way that I cannot save him, that he has to get himself out of his troubles as he strictly denied most of my help so my hands were tied, I couldn’t do much, but watch and become miserable myself. Truly, his excessive cannabis consumption triggered me to consume a lot more than I usually would have, which didn’t really help with my Bipolar disorder, in fact made it worse, but he would be quite in a mood if he didn‘t get his daily dosis. Just one of the reasons why it was better for me to leave and choose to save myself.
A lot had happened in the past with him too, I had major trust issues, there was quite a bit of emotional manipulation going on, but thats the past now and lord did I learn my lesson. Well that’s that and it did hurt as I still had feelings for him somewhere, but honestly I was just done with it all. And that’s where things started to change majorly.
There was always that one important player in the back of the field supporting me and giving energy and a ton of hope. He would be there for me when the person who was supposed to be there for me left me alone. He’d spend all night texting me to make sure I’m okay, he genuinely cared about me.
Let’s call that very important figure “Goofball”. That goofball was the one with whom I did all of my long bike journeys this year, he was the one who’d drive out to me in the pouring rain or bitter cold, just to make sure I’m okay, he’d be the one to help me through studying for university by just sitting next to me and asking me questions about the exam topic when I asked him to, he was the one who made me the most delicious omelette at 7 in the morning after being out partying (honestly no star chef would merely scratch the excellence of that omelette), he was the one who still thought I looked beautiful despite 2cm thick dark rings of sleepless nights under my eyes, he was the one I’d spend the nights stargazing with, the one to go on adventures with, the one to fool around like kids in the water, the one to listen to me when my mind would crumble down on me like falling debris.
He is the one that took my hand and led me back out of the tunnel, back to the light, back to blossoming flowers and blooming fields, back to sunshine, warmth and singing birds. At first I wasn’t sure where he would take me, I didn’t know if I could trust, but seeing the pureness of his heart and soul, I knew I could risk it and I don’t regret any part. The amoun of happiness he has brought to me, I cannot compare. The endless hours he makes me smile and laugh, I never want to miss. I wake up next to him and can’t help but smile because it is the greatest joy to simply lie next to him and look into his deep blue eyes, gleaming with happiness too. This is the purest form of love I have encountered, as it is so light and real, so true and down to earth. I don’t need no fancy things, no expensive dinner dates, no costy trips. All I need is our Pizza Friday and your cuddles at night, sleeping in a tent, somewhere out in the wild.
Thank you for being there for me when I thought I was alone. Thank you for helping me and taking your time, every time. Thank you for cheering me up and making me smile every day. Thank you for believing in me, all those times when I don’t. Thank you for caring for me, all those amazing cheese sanwiches, cookies and the small notes and treasure hunts. Thank you for helping me find my happy self again. I could thank you for a dozen more things but all I want to really say is that I am beyond grateful to have you in my life and as my partner. I never want to miss you again. The way you make me feel is... hapoylovulent! My heart beats for you and I know you know that I love you Soooo[...]oooooooooooooo much.
Always, my Love. ❤️
Seasons Change
Your love means suffering,
Your love is pain.
We had so much sunshine,
But now,
It’s just rain.
The warm summer days,
When we loved,
When we laughed,
But it feels,
That all this has passed.
The cold days have brought,
Shivers
That run down my spine,
So many countless tears,
Too many to cry,
In a lifetime.
Where did your love go?
Did it leave,
With the last warm summer breeze?
I hold you deeply,
In my aching heart,
And loving you,
Has been tearing me apart.
By Moisés Mahiques
I am drowning in my own thoughts
When did our stars disappear?
What happened to us, darling? When did the fresh water, rich in love and energy, which once carried us through every valley become a motionless swamp of stinking mistrust and sadness?
You left me startled with gleaming eyes and a beating heart. What you did was truly exquisite. You conquered my heart, it was so excited to be beating for someone like you. And look now, it still is beating for you, although you hurt it, stabbed it, froze it with your coldness, picked out pieces you didn’t like and throw them away. I endured it all, while adoring you like a god, looking at you like a small girl gazes into the endless night sky, awed by all the sparkling lights.
My love for you got ignited like a bush fire, throwing flames so high... you can’t see where they end, causing so much smoke that my mind got blurred, it got intoxicated by you. To this day I don’t know exactly at what point I fell for you. Maybe it was when you told me that you wouldn’t leave me alone with my thoughts and all those bad dreams, maybe it was your hollow promises to always be there for me and try your best to make me happy. You told me what my heart needed to hear and it thought it had found the person who would help me heal.
The emotion of freedom you gave me got me so high, higher than any skyscraper, higher than any airplane would ever fly, you got me so high my brain had no more oxygen to function. It was all so wonderful, wasn’t it? That feeling of security you gave me, like no one else. Living every day filled with all of that crackling, burning love. All that smoke made my mind blurry, I lost myself more and more, but why would I have cared, you where there. My drug. You made me happy, I was addicted to you. You were my happy pill.
I hadn’t really fallen in love with your personality, it was who you pretended to be, probably the person you’d like to be. I was too naive to see that it wasn’t real, I had fallen for the better version of you, the version you wanted to be but couldn’t keep up. Yes, your life is a mess, you have lost control, you are so lost and scared of everything that you close your eyes towards everything that could potentially cause you harm, but why love, why are you not looking at me anymore?
I am here and willing to stay because my heart chose you and I cannot leave without having to cut my heart out, because it will always stay with you. Why have you grown so cold, baby? Why don’t you truly care about me anymore? Do you not love me anymore? Are you just afraid of being alone so you just name the emotions you have for me “love”? Do you know what love is? Do you love me?
I look at you and... and everytime anew it’s like an explosion in the sky. You are all the colours, all shapes and forms that exist, all the sweetest scents and the most beautiful thoughts... you are all of this to me, but what am I to you?
I need water to find my inner self again, i need it. It is the fresh, moving, shape-shifting energy that I need in my life to keep me going, but I feel... it is not what you desire. There is so much pain in my heart that i keep drowned in that river, but that pain travels downstream just as i do and sometimes all of that pain surfaces and turns the blue sparkling water into a sloppy slimy river of bright red blood and i can’t do anything but cry, because all of that blood is all of my love i have for you and it will keep flowing, it is alive! It is there! Right now!
I am in so much pain, because I don’t know what to do. I am floating down my bloody river... but where are you? Are you walking along the river bank? I can’t see you, where are you? Have you drowned in all that heavy water? Did I drown you in all this love?
So tonight I am floating down this river of pain, tears streaming down my face. I am looking into that endless night sky and I ask myself: When did the stars we both looked at vanish? When did our stars disappear?
Shadow
Hey, it’s me. Depression. Did you miss me? I’m a part of you. If you try to erase me out of your life I will show you better than ever that I surely am a part of you. Don’t battle me like an enemy, you won’t win.
You wake up one day and notice something is off, your energy is low, although you’ve had plenty of sleep. Motivation to start the day? Not there. Motivation to get stuff done? Also, gone. Energy in general? Vanished.
Weird isn’t it? Yesterday everything was fine, but today it’s different. My inner garden seems dead, the flowers aren’t blossoming, the fountain is dry and the birds seem to have found a prettier garden. The sun is hiding behind the black, dense clouds and rain is pouring right out of them. You stand there, in your inner garden and let the rain stream down on you. Yesterday the garden was full of people you love, they stood beside you, held your hand, made you smile. Today you stand alone in your garden with no other life around you. A feeling of helplessness spreads out in your gut and you start to become nervous. “Oh no... my precious garden, what happened to you? My flowers! Don’t let your heads down like that! Sun! Please don’t hide, I am in need of your warmth and energy! Friends? Friends? Why did you leave...” In that same moment a shadow appears next to you. You know the shadow way too well. “Depression. Not you again. Are you responsible for this mess again?” Depression grins, but says nothing at all. You feel the shadow start to creep in, you feel it settle in your soul. Now the loneliness, helplessness, sadness, hoplessness really begins to show. It spreads out in your soul, starting to turn it grey and dusty. Spreads into your heart, slowing down your heartbeat, giving your heart a hard time to do its job. The colours of your usually jolly heart are fading into grey. The elastic heart turns to stone, pieces crumble. Your mind, universe of thoughts. The stars fade into the deafening black, leaving no light in your head. Thoughts that usually jump now barely manage to crawl. The perception of your surroundings has strongly changed. Where you usually see love, happiness, life, all you see is... is grey. You have become indifferent, everything seems to be nothing at the same time, but nothing touches that stone heart, nothing can turn it back to that happy heart it was yesterday, not as long as the shadow is in you, controlling you.
You feel the weight of the world on your shoulders, pulling you down like an anchor sinking to the ground. All the thoughts - you are worthless, you annoy the people with your blabla, you won’t ever be fine again, etc. - tie up your throat,making you grasp for air.
I don’t even know where this post is going but I need to put all these awful feelings somewhere. I need to get them out because inside they are killing me.
Just make this stop. All this pain. All this crying because *everything* is fucking overwhelming. Just no. I want to be good, I just don’t know how. Shadow: Get the fuck out of me. LEAVE!
I don’t trust easily, but when I do, you best hold onto it.
Once you break that, it’s near impossible to get it back.
Thoughts, I need to let go of
What if we went back a year and met our past selves? Let’s say present you could talk to past you for 5 minutes. What would you tell past you? What advice would you give? Would you foreshadow what is about to come? Or would you say nothing at all and let time manage it all?
I would tell myself to maybe listen to my gut feeling more often and mostly do what my gut tells me and *NOT* what my heart or head tells me. The heart is easily tricked whereas the head is overly rational.
I would tell myself to take more time to make decisions and to take more care when making larger decisions.
Last year I was in some “I need drastic change in my life” Phase. Of course, travelling to Alaska was part of that phase but during the entire trip and even before that I longed for something else, I longed for freedom, I wanted adventure and I wanted to be happy. I had enough of overthinking, enough of the mental blockade that annoyed me all along. I wanted that weightlessness. I wanted to be alive for once, be happy, headless and just live instead of thinking all the time about the “should I, should I not”. No more questioning, more acting, that was what I wanted. I was jealous of all the teenagers that have a blast of a time just living their lives, not questioning much but really just doing what they felt like doing. That was new to me, but I wanted to try and live that way, to see if it helps me accept myself a bit more.
Of course, Felix was exactly what fit into what I wanted. He made living look so easy, because he didn’t question things much, he didn’t care much, he didn’t think as much as I would. And that’s how he made it look so easy and naïve me believed it. Stupid, stupid me. All of that was just part of the bigger picture, the bigger Picture I was blind to see. I had no idea how much chaos is actually going on in his life. I had no idea that he wasn’t the one doing life, but more life was properly doing him. But he didn’t try to change it, he let the chaos eat him up. All of that, I didn’t see. I just saw the sunny part, the rest lied in shadows.
I guess I didn’t fall in love with the whole person but with the part I knew. I fell in love with the part I saw, but what about the other parts? Would I love them too? I understood that I couldn’t know him completely, I mean you never really know a person completely. But at that time, I wasn’t quite so sure if I knew how he ticked, sometimes I felt like I couldn’t reach him, like he was just a distant man I didn’t know. And the was scary in a way, but on the other hand that was the room for adventure I wanted. So, I plunged right into that adventure, so to speak “discovering” him. Adventure also, because there was a 50/50 chance that I would love his other sides too…. or not.
Writing this isn’t so easy, because all of those thoughts are buried, deep deep in my soul, since I don’t have anyone I could talk to about this.
Looking back, I am party shaking my head thinking “what did I do? What on earth was I thinking? Why did I leave the safety I had for something completely wild, insecure and potentially emotionally devastating?” And I don’t have an answer. People do absolutely crazy shit for no obvious reason sometimes and I guess that falls into that category.
All of this may sound extremely negative, but I must say that all over it was a wonderful time. I spent a lot of time outside, had a great trip to Prague and really just enjoyed the time without worrying much, which in a way is good, but I felt like I am constantly distancing myself from…. Me. From reality. From my responsibilities. From my hobbies, from my life.
I’m still Alive
Hey there, whoever is reading this right now: You matter. You are worthy, although the world may make you feel like you`re not.
It’s Tuesday morning, around 11 ish in the morning. I’m sitting at my desk, in the corner of my room. A coffee beside my laptop and a blunt to calm my racing thoughts down. An incense stick to distract my nose from the bitter smell of depression and reality.
I haven’t posted in ages. Literally ages, it’s almost been a year and I didn’t really find the mood to get back to my blog as everything has been in rapid change. Change, which went too fast for me. Wonderful change but also agonising change.
I guess I’ll just start to wrap it up from where I left off, step for step.
Last time I posted was some time around April 2018. Now it’s March 2019 and well, lots has happened since then, would be kind of sad if everything remained just as it was.
In May last year I had the biggest journey of my life so far: The exciting, delighting, astonishing and marvellous trip to Alaska, USA. Obviously I can’t go into detail at this point, because I will dedicate many other posts to that trip.
Alaska was an experience I will never forget and I now carry in my heart with honour and love.
The untouched wilderness, the endless horizon, the never setting sun... It’s hard to find words for such majestic, beautiful things.
The trip didn’t only hold such positivity, but also deep feelings of sadness. Leon, may the odds always be with you. You have a place in my heart and I will always love you as my dear friend, my partner in crime, my soul buddy. You are a personality I will never find elsewhere and for that I honour and adore you and wish to never lose you.
After the trip to Alaska everything changed. Since then I feel like a part of me has gone missing and no matter where I search, I cannot seem to find that part of me, I cannot fill that hole in my soul. Maybe it is you that my soul is longing for, maybe it was wrong of me to leave you, but I did not feel what I used to feel for you and I didn’t want to hurt you, ever, but of course I did. Now the change has happened and I cannot go back, Maybe our souls do belong together and if they do they will find back to each other, of that I am sure. You always meet twice in life, right?
After leaving my boyfriend I changed a lot. In some ways to someone I liked more and in other ways to someone I never wanted to be. But I feel like I lost a part of me. Where is it? Where did it go? Why did it leave me?
Then a new love entered my life, but it was different love to what I knew before. It was weightless, like a feather, a constant happy high, but what did I fall in love with? The person or the illusion of the high feeling? I didn’t see that every high has an end to it, or maybe I did see it but I ignored it, as I was addicted and feeling good back then.
The summer 2018 was different, it was the first summer without you. I started to take sports more seriously, went on bike rides over 100km, but on the other hand I stopped caring about things. I didn’t spend as much time with my horse last summer, I didn’t meet up with my friends from the stables, we didn’t sit down together at a campfire and talk until 3am, listening to the horses and gazing at the star filled black sky. Why did I stop caring? Now as I am writing this, I am realising that I really was addicted to the new drug, to the weightless love, I was addicted to him, Felix. But is it really love that connects us, or was I just madly addicted to the feeling you gave me? The feeling of having no weight on my shoulders, being carefree and weightless? It does sound like something one could easily get addicted to, right?
Well the summer had an end and with that ending summer moving to the Netherlands to start my studies always came closer. I remember doubting my decision to start those studies quite early in the summer, but carefree me did not spend much time thinking about my doubts. I was too busy being high on love.
Well as I packed my things I felt quite disenchanted, the reality just wouldn’t hit me.
I remember that night when I drove Felix home. My last night before moving 800km away. I remember how I wished to never reach his house and crash somewhere and die with him rather than lose him while being aware of it. But obviously nothing that dramatic happened. We arrived at his house and there it was, that dreadful feeling of losing what you love the most. Time was my biggest enemy that night, because I just wanted to hold on to that moment more than anything else. I didn’t want to go, I didn’t want change, it was making me go insane. But of course I had to leave. And I cried and he cried. We held each other in our arms. Broken hearted, sobbing lovers. I could feel my heart losing piece after piece. It was bleeding, crumbling into a dozen pieces, aching. The last goodbye kiss felt like fire on my lips, the pain was now in every cell of my body. But I left. And I swear to all the gods in heaven, that was the worst feeling, the most emotional pain (concerning love) I have ever been in. Never did I cry more than that night. As I drove home in the middle of the night, seeing barely anything through my tear filled eyes, I wished to crash somewhere and be instantly dead and released from that agonising feeling. That feeling as if I am burning alive, the feeling that a huge canyon split my heart in two and that feeling as if a black hole in my soul is starting to suck everything out of me. All the life inside of me, everything. I screamed in pain, shaking, sweating, on the borderline to a complete mental breakdown.
I wept all night until the sun rose up and the birds started singing their melody of a sweet late summer morning.
My dad picked me up that morning, packed the things in the car and then it was over. We drove to Leeuwarden, the city I then lived in. The car ride was awkward. There was not much conversation going on, just the radio playing in the background and me telling my dad from time to time to slow it down a bit to prevent him from getting another ticket. With every kilometer we left behind us I felt a deeper and deeper feeling of loneliness and disconnection from myself. But that was a feeling I would soon get to know a lot better.
After arriving in Leeuwarden and getting all the stuff in the apartment I felt better. I was distracted by all the new impressions and therefore my mind was quite occupied by that.
The day that my dad left was very weird though. He was at least something familiar, which meant safety in this new scary reality of mine, but after he left, that last safe-wall went down and now the scary new reality had no more barrier blocking the way, so it came right at me and hit me like a freight train.
- To be continued... -
