I want villains who go against the stereotypical bullshit that “evil cannot love” or whatever.
I want villains who spend months in their creepy dark lab building the death ray with their best buddy and hug each other when the superweapon is finally complete.
I want villains who fall madly in love with the other evil prince or princess they married to consolidate their power.
I want villains who tell bedtime stories to the little clone they created to be the successor to their throne and order their minions to get the clone a cup of warm milk because she can’t sleep.
I want villains hanging out with their best friends and acting like dorks while they bowl with their enemies’ skulls.
I want villains who are both evil and real, and real people have friends and families and loved ones.
Do you mean heroes?
How do you get heroes from this!? What hero goes bowling with the skulls of their enemies?
I want villains with families.
I want mad scientists helping their children with their science homework.
I want villains leaving halfway though a battle because it’s their anniversary and they are not going to leave their spouse waiting.
I want villains who don’t work on Wednesdays because that’s the day they visit their mum and take her out for tea.
I want villains who hypnotise teachers to give their children good grades.
This reminds me of a series of recordings I made once as a joke…
Child: Daddy, Mrs Brown was talking about careers in class, and she asked me what you do.
Villain (in a deep, growling voice): I watch the world burn.
Child: Yeah, but I think she meant as a job?
Child: Daddy, Mrs Brown gave me detention again.
Villain: Let me fetch my gasoline.
Child: Um, Daddy, I’m not sure that…
Villain: Fire is the only way.
Villain: Ella, what is wrong? Are you crying?
Child: Josh said I’m ugly.
Villain: Ella, you are more beautiful than the screams of agony of a thousand enemies as I set them aflame.
Minion: Master, the elementary school has breached our security control and broken into our intercom system. They wish to negotiate with you regarding your daughter’s grades.
Villain: Negotiate? There is no negotiation. There is only repentance, or death.
Minion: Very well, master. Also, your daughter requests a bedtime story.
Villain: Tell her I am coming at once.
Minion: Master, why are your cape and robes… pink?
Villain: It is my daughter’s birthday today.
Minion: But what about darkness and evil, master?
Villain: The covenant of darkness is lesser than the covenant of fatherhood, Gerald.
!!!!!
If someone is capable of hate and anger they are also capable of love and kindness.
So give me villains who will rip the hero’s apart but will dress up as a Disney Princess/ Superhero for their kids birthday.
