"That's what people do right?.... Leave a Note?"
Well this is my note
Most of you (If you are indeed reading this) know me as Loki-Mun. Some of you, to whom I have introduced myself, know me by middle name Misha.
To be honest I hope many of you don't read this. I don't wish to cause any of you pain.
To be honest I never intended on sinking myself into tumblr. I never thought I would have 50 people digging up on how I portray Loki.
This blog was to keep all notion of my depression a secret.
Until today.
This post should pop on your dashboards at 3pm EST. If I have queued this right.
This day 7th of May in 2005, my mother and older sister were coming home from a weekend of house sitting for my Uncle. Before they got home, they were hit and killed by a drunk driver. I was 16. The day before they left I told my family I was bi. The last thing my mother said to me was "I'll always be here for you."- That is why I chose today.
The only family I had left was a brother going off and away to be in the navy and a father who, while he loved me, didn't talk much
I muddled through 2 years. The only way I got through those 2 years was because of my pen-pal in Germany.
Things got better, I got to go to the US for collage. By chance my best friend/pen-pal was attending the same school. I also met my "long-lost" cousin.
My cousin, the mun of 3 very good blogs (sparrowholmes, isiswinchester, and bondtwinsrp) was the one who introduced me.
She's a very strong girl if only she let herself see that. She helped me through a few more years. Even thought the death of my big brother Sasha the Bear this passed Christmas.
Then I met Simon.
Now at this point I was beginning to believe everything was okay; life would be good. When I met Simon I thought I had died and gone to heaven.... at first.
For the first few months of our relationship it was heaven, I had rarely been happier. Then it got bad fast. to put it dully I lied about bruises a lot. The whole time telling myself "It is a phase. It is a phase". For a while I got away with it, lying to myself and roommates who, because of our schedules I didn't see much. Also, I didn't see my cousin a whole lot, she would have seen right through my act; she can read just about anyone like a book.
But then, my little cousin went to collage. I got to see her more, though not enough, because of her mother and step-father, to make her suspicious about my bruises, besides I think she was a little busy trying not to die in that hell hole.
But that changed to when she moved in with her dad, she was around more and more able to tune in on things... like me. It changed further when me and 3 friend bought a house together. I saw her quite a bit more. And she started to question after realizing Simon's "phase" had lasted 4 years I decided to end it.
I'm not a big guy. When I told him I wanted to break up he beat the living shit out of me. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks and had 2 surgeries. I told everyone it was because Simon got drunk and beat me up. They all seemed to worried to think about the validity of what I said.
My depression started 8 years ago today. It got better, then worse, but that was the last straw. I can not take this fucked up roller coaster. To be honest I am not strong enough.
By now you have guessed what I have done yes? Yes by the time you read this I will have, very cowardly, taken myself out of this world. No there is nothing anyone can do to stop it.
For what it's worth tumblr is a great place and you are all amazing people. Stay true to yourselves. Have fun. Have a drink for me.
See you all on the other side, whatever it may be,
Misha
