“Oh, so you want me to give you feedback? I certainly can do that. I’ll put everything on paper tomorrow so you don’t forget any of the things I’ll address.” Her smile grew wider with each one of his kisses until it finally turned to a laugh and not everyone could make her laugh like that. His question was one that she hadn’t expected him to ask and despite the smile that refused to leave her, but her silence made it evident that he had taken her by surprise. Why was she here? she had never actually stopped to think why she always was seeking his company. Physically she liked him, there was no doubt about that, but no, that wasn’t it. The money? that was out of the question, she knew men that had more than him, in fact, she was sure that she had more in her bank than what he did and as far as she knew, he didn’t have any connections that would benefit her if she were to need them. In her head, she kept asking herself questions, until she found the answer that she always had known but decided to ignore.
“Because I want you. No, that’s not exactly it. I need you. You are what it could have been, but it wasn’t. You are the person that I was expecting to meet at some point when things weren’t the mess they are now, but perhaps we met a tad too late.” And she wondered if things would have been different for her if she had met him before, perhaps she could have been happy then. – She buried her face in the pillow, feeling more than just stupid after everything she had said and if she could, she would take it back. “Forget all that, I had some wine, I’m tired and sleep-deprived, I talk nonsense when that happens.” She wasn’t worried at him laughing at her for saying this, but what if the answer made him uncomfortable? what if for him this was only business mixed with pleasure, a good time and nothing else and if that was the case, she was going to feel more of an idiot for saying what she did, but at least she would know which barriers she should keep up in his presence. “ Now you tell me. What about you? why did you look for me? why come all the way over here?“
in truth, he hadn’t expected a reply, not an honest one anyway. a laugh, yes, a playful deflection, the ordinary. instead, she surprised him, stunned him into silence, forced him to turn towards his own introspection. and there it was eventually. some denial conveniently justified by alcohol and insomnia. blomkvist watched her, pushed his fingers through her tousled locks. “i don’t think you’ve had nearly enough to blame the wine.” he didn’t attempt to alter her position, to have her turn her head on the pillow. that she confessed to needing him must have been mortifying for someone like her, someone who prided themselves on being so strong, so detached, so cynical about a world they knew inside and out that they didn’t need anyone. let alone a person so far removed from the waters they were used to navigate. “why is it too late?” he asked, deciding to ignore his lack of commitment. one broken marriage was enough.
his hand slid downward, found the soft expanse of skin between her shoulder blades and traced aimless patterns over it. “i told you. i was concerned.” was it too simple a truth to accept? did she want to hear more, a deeper meaning, a concealed agenda? “your life, the people you get associated with, they aren’t the best. you weren’t…” happy. satisfied. “you know i care for you, el. it wasn’t right to be that intrusive. i’m sorry. i know what it’s like to have your privacy violated. saying that i did it because i was worried doesn’t excuse any of it. it only explains it.” he shifted, propped himself up on his elbow, retracted his hand. “you could have been in danger or dead. i couldn’t forgive myself for sitting idly and trying to pretend everything was fine or even normal.”but what is fine and normal for blomkvist is a far cry from what is fine and normal for her. the thought that he might be suffering from saviour syndrome was repulsive enough to know that this was precisely what he could be doing - as if she weren’t capable enough to look after herself and get herself out of those situations she invariable ended up in. edging closer, he put down his head on her pillow. “it’s not too late.”
