oceans in my mind

min johyun, 24, atlas' lead singer

[idjohyun]

something more

[idjohyun]

ruwonid‌:

he doesn’t want to deal with this. he wants a pack of cards to materialize in his hand, so he can toss them in the air, shout 52 card pickup and bolt for the door. but johyun had left him an out, enough space to laugh it off. nope, haha. must’ve gotten drunk as fuck off that soju i cut with fucking grapefruit juice, of all fucking things. an entire half glass of soju really fucked me up. no recollection. nada. zip. zilch. “remember what?” he says, sticks some wobbly looking smile in place. like he’s trying his hardest. like he doesn’t feel like trash doing this. saying this.

he doesn't remember. or he doesn't want to. johyun doesn't quite know which he thinks it's worse.

because here he is, standing in front of this boy who was just a friend until weeks ago, raw and exposed; completely undone by his lips and ruwon doesn't even remember. johyun feels foolish, stupid. humiliated. he feels like his clothes, his barriers, everything has been taken from him and he stands here, completely shown. and ruwon doesn't even remember. and to think johyun has been completely consumed by the memory, a mess of fingers and lips, the ghost of ruwon’s fingertips against his skin haunting him every night until he couldn't sleep anymore. and ruwon doesn't even remember.

what had changed everything for johyun was nothing but alcohol speaking louder than reason for his friend. friend. friend is the word here and it settles at the bottom of his heart like a curse. johyun steps away from ruwon until he is out of reach. he doesn’t want to look at him. he doesn’t want to be looked at. 

and it’s not ruwon’s fault. it’s not anger or anything like that that fills johyun like poison right now. it’s a sense of shame that he’s tired of feeling, something that he feels so deep it aches and burns. he’s not angry. even if ruwon doesn’t remember, or even worse, if right now he’s pretending not to. if for him he prefers to lie than tell what he really feels on johyun’s face. what could be so horrible he doesn’t want to say it? maybe johyun should be thankful. some little mercy, that is. maybe ruwon truly is a good friend. one of his last ones. and johyun shouldn’t ruin this. 

even here. even as he knows with stark certainty that for him things have changed. that in himself things have changed. that when he looks at ruwon he doesn’t see only a friend anymore, someone to sit down and chat with, someone to be cool with, someone to chill. that there’s a part of him that craves so much, so deeply, so intensely for what they shared in ruwon’s room that night. something ruwon doesn’t even remember. or doesn’t want to. fuck. he doesn’t even know. 

“i-,” johyun starts, once again, pauses, speechless. he doesn’t know what to say. he backs away until he’s closer to the door and then looks up, meets ruwon’s eyes. there’s a sharp pain in his heart and he ignores it, tries a smile. hopes that his face doesn’t betray him this time. hopes ruwon doesn’t notice the hint of pain in it. he tries his best, though, “you’ll have to figure that one out yourself.”

and then he turns around, opens the door. breathes only when he closes the door. 

[idjinsung]

bite to break skin.

[idjohyun]

idjinsung‌:

and from there, jinsung pretends it never happened. he avoids talking about it, avoids thinking about it, avoids every aspect of it, until he can’t anymore. until the day they’re set to sit down and start talking about the music and the lyrics and suddenly he sinks down into the plush fabric of the sofa and meets johyun’s eyes again for the first time in what feels like months. he wants to act normal, wants to make a joke, wants johyun to pay attention to him like he did before, but instead he clams up and just stares at the paper covered in scattering of his notes.

from all the friends johyun lost along the way jinsung was the one who hurt the most. maybe because from most of the others he expected something to happen. well, with luke, not that extent but he doesn't want to think of Luke now. but even so, even with luke, there were warnings. there were people who told him to be careful, people who warned him he wasn't what it seemed. johyun chose to believe he was a good person and he paid the price for being naive and stupid. but jinsung wasn't cruel the way luke was. he wasn't an angel, sure, but he had never done johyun any harm. and this was the thing. nothing happened between them. one day they were friends and on the next they didn't talk anymore.

pressure got to them the same way it got to all of the atlas members. they started quarreling, getting into each other's nerves. johyun was never the confrontational type, too weak, too eager to comply. so when jinsung started to lash out on him it hurt more than he expected. and johyun did his own share of talking, of nagging, of being an asshole. but it was easier to stay away. easier to ignore him. easier to not give them both a chance to hurt each other. and still, that alone hurt alone.

johyun feels alone and he does so in a way he never did. so when he heard about the song he felt q mixture of feeling he couldn't understand quite well. he felt scared. scared of what that would be like which was stupid, him and jinsung had worked together time and time again. and he was happy too. happy to work with him, happy for that sort of opportunity. it wasn't something johyun could do every day. jinsung said he was happy to work with him and johyun really hoped so. shit. he hoped he was saying the truth so bad.

"i," he starts and then pauses. jinsung is not looking at him, eyes on the papers all scattered over the table. "you wrote something? can I see?" he smiles, tries to. maybe this can bring them back together. what brought them together in the first place.

[idjohyun]

under pressure

their dorm, ‘19, w/ @idgun vlive recording

there was a time when johyun had wanted to move out. 

this is the thing with living too long with the same people: you get tired of it. it doesn’t matter how much you love them. it doesn’t matter how much they’re your bothers, or at least are supposed to be. sure, johyun loves his group mates, or at least grew to do so. things were hard at points, even more so to a younger, more impressionable johyun. one who saw so little worth in himself. not that that changed all that much, but johyun found new places to bury his insecurities and fears than on his own group mates. most of the time, they’re fine. but pressure has grown too much around them. the heights they’ve achieved in the last year or so is great, such, but it’s also terrifying. at least to johyun. and he feels it’s the same for the rest of them too.

jinsung has been cracking, that he knows. they used to be so close but lately, it seemed that every time they were in the same room they’d clash for one reason or another. johyun never knew what would set him off. and he knew it was because of how tight the rope was around them, how difficult things have been. once you go this high there’s no other way but down, and johyun is terrified of falling. people expect things from them now. when they release something new it has to be good, it has to be fresh. their views have to go to certain level, the streams. he almost misses the day when if they made it to a good position in the charts that was already a success. 

so sure, they’re stressed out. sure, they’ve been harder on each other than usual. it’s not as bad as it was back when the three of the rappers decided to leave, no, but it’s been harsh. difficult. it makes him thankful for the fact that he and gun ended up getting closer. 

the path for that wasn’t the best, never been. johyun remembers quite well the way gun spoke to him at first, his discontent. and could he blame him? not really, johyun could see his side of things. there he was, underground rapper, a talented boy who worked his way to the top and suddenly being charged to helping out johyun, who never even wrote a single line of lyric in his life, to be in the same position as him? all for his looks? not the best position, really. but understanding gun’s side didn’t mean johyun wasn’t hurt. or pissed. all passed now, though. such is life. while some paths that once were so close go different ways, some get closer. johyun should be used to that by now.

“what will we do tonight?” he asks when he approaches gun by the kitchen. they’re supposed to record a vlive now, but johyun hasn’t been breached on the specifics. “are they going o make us show our wardrobes again? because if the answer is yes i need to run to my room right now and get it at least presentable. or they’ll be spreading gifs of it all over again,” johyun sighs, sits down. fuck, last year was a nightmare. he didn’t tidy his room and they recorded his mess of a wardrobe for everyone to see. sure, it gave him the he’s-so-genuine points, but it was embarrassing. “i should’ve done it before. i totally forgot.”

[idjohyun]

awareness

[idjohyun]

zhangid‌:

“i punched san, before travelled,” he says, takes another drag of cigarette. it will be a sleepless night. “punched him right in the gut, you wanna know why?” luke puts the cigarette down, vows to quit it for the night. “because he told me you’d never fuck me, which i already got from the way you avoid me, but whatever. i like punching san, you were just an excuse. maybe i’ll do it again when we go back home just for shit and giggles.” he smiles and gets closer to johyun. “but as he was trying to get under my skin like the little bitch he is you know what i realized, johyun?” he moves so closer that he would be able to see the details on johyun’s expression if the room was better lit. “that i don’t care about you. but what about you, johyun? do you care about me?”

"i don’t understand, i thought we were friends, i-" johyun trails off as luke keeps going, talking and talking, relentless. it’s almost as if he wants to hrt him, he wants to break johyun. but why? why would he want that? his words hit him hard and he doesn't even know why. all he knows is that it hurts. the way he looks, as if johyun’s is just another issue he has to deal with. the way he talks as if all johyun ever wanted from him was his help. it aches because it has never been anything but the opposite: johyun has trasured luke time and time again even when everyone around him told him he shouldn’t. 

jesus.  he should've know, shouldn't he? how stupid he was. so many people warned him. jaehwan told him time and time again that he doesn’t trust him, even san himself. they all told him that luke was an asshole, that they couldn't understand how they were friends but johyun never listened. johyun would always shrug him off, because luke had always been kind and good to him. nice. and he never listened because he believed him. and why wouldn’t he? luke never gave him any reason not to. why wouldn't he like him? why wouldn't they be friends? and johyun had always thought it was a good thing to follow his gut.

the level of stupidity that he feels right now. the humilliation. yes, that's the word. johyun feels humilliated, destroyed. luke appears in front of him almost like someone else, a whole new person. threatening, and that's the word. he looks threatening. his words are the worst psrtz though. and maybe that's all johyun's fault. he always gets too vulnerable too out there. people know him. people know his problems, people know what hurts. and luke knows most of them because luke had seen him in his worst moments.

because he wanted to fuck you, not because he liked you. not because he cared. not because he was your friend. stupid. he is fucking stupid.

"so. what you basically mean is - you were my friend because you wanted to fuck me? but since i wasn't interested, now you're done?" he looks down at luke, and his chest squeezes and squeezes. but he doesn't want to show weakness, but fuck, he knows it's all written on his face. he was never good with hiding his feelings. someday Luke himself told him that: keep wearing your heart on your sleeve, one day someone will know exactly how to break it. hah. ironic.

"fuck, luke i wish i could lie. be like you. tell you here that no, i never care, that i don’t care about you but no. i care. i still do. and you can go on and laugh about it. it’s funny, isn’t it?" shut up, he thinks, pissed, as anger fills him, anger and sadness and heartbreak. 

[idryusan]

ashes to ashes.

[idjohyun]

idryusan‌:

he wants to escape his body. leave it there, let it suck in some poor soul floating around, haunting this venue instead. it’s defective. everyone about san feels defective. his eyes sting, but he blinks that back. a refusal. there’s a heavy-sounding cough he hides in his elbow next. it’s not a sob, but it still sounds off. hyperventilation, maybe. it takes him a few seconds to catch his breath again after it forces its way out. that’s when san spots johyun lingering nearby. an inquisitive expression, and san glares. he doesn’t want to see johyun, and especially not like this. if he were in a better condition, he might bark at him to fuck off. instead, he angles his body away. pretends like he might be fine, busy. lifts a trembling fist to fumble for his lighter, tries to spin the gear to make it light. fails three times before he gives up, chucks the lighter to the floor in frustration and watches it skid toward johyun’s feet.

sometimes johyun feels like his steps will always lead him to san. as if he always knows whenever he is in danger. as if he feels him whenever he is around. as if fate had bound them together forever, a red string that is tight around johyun's heart and takes him right back to san. san’s string is not around his heart, though, no. johyun knows better than to still believe that is where he resides. or has resided, at some point. anyway. it does feel like fate when he ends up meeting him, finds san almost hidden in an outside area of the venue, fighting with his lighter. it feels like fate or something more wicked. a curse, yeah. a curse makes much more sense.

and he lingers. which is just stupid at this point. he catches the signs, the way he's breathing, the way his body is curved. johyun knows what is going on because he had seen in before. he knows because he's been in that very same place before. he stares at san, and part of him tells him to leave. what does he want with him? why should he care? san has been anything but kind to him. san has done nothing but hurt him. their break up is still something that tears johyun's heart, has him trembling and breaking. has him feel like being torn in half, skin aching, heart in ruins. san doesn't deserve his empathy. he doesn't deserve for him to care.

and yet, he lingers.

when san fights with his lighter, he lingers.

when san looks at him with annoyance, johyun lingers

and when his lighter falls and goes to him, that curse's work he's sure, johyun leans down and catches it.

his eyes meet sans and he looks down. he never knew very well what to say in times like this. he doesn't think there is much to say. very little comfort in words, he thinks. so he just picks up the lighter, spins the gear and walks towards him, lights his cigarette for him. that may piss him off, he thinks, but so be it. maybe being told off now will make him have some self love and leave. "rough night?" he asks, and he wants to know. he wonders if San understands. that he caresz and that he feels sorry. he wonders if that wouldn't make him hate him even more.

probably, yeab. if he knows him well.

[idjohyun]

something more

[idjohyun]

ruwonid‌:

part of ruwon just wants to prop a hand up on his hip and nod when johyun gives him that out. why yes, yes that would be lovely johyun. thanks for offering, right this way. but he doesn’t do that, because that would make him a shitty friend, and ruwon’s entire life revolves around trying to please people. “no, it’s fine man. what should we do, order room service? play…cards?” he’s not sure why he offered, he doesn’t even have any cards. 

“cards?” johyun asks, confused, and a hint of resentment is so obvious in his voice that he almost wants to be able to reach out and take it back, shove it in some pocket, make it as if it didn’t happen. he hates to feel the way he’s feeling right now: vulnerable. so vulnerable. he doesn’t know what to expect and he doesn’t know what to do. the signs ruwon is sending him are obvious, though: whatever happened, he doesn’t want to talk about it. johyun’s proximity doesn’t seem to have any effect on him, and if anything he looks and acts the same he did before the kiss happened. 

and maybe johyun should take his cue, then. maybe this is easier. he should sit down and play fucking cards and pretend nothing happened. there was no kiss. there was no tightness in his chest. there was no longing, here, there was nothing but friendship. this way he won’t lose a friend. this way he won’t stand there like a fool while ruwon talks about playing cards. it’s a well-known feeling, in the end of the day. he’s been here time and time before. he’s been here so many times it aches the way he almost feels comfortable. it’s a truth that min johyun should get used to, or he should have by now. 

people don’t love him back. it’s that simple. san has gone. remi has gone. it doesn’t matter how hard he tries, the outcome is the same. 

but still, there’s something that sticks. johyun pauses, the words they should say right at the tip of his tongue. we should play cards, sure. we should watch a movie. he should laugh it off, make it comfortable. but he can’t say it, he can’t pretend. not here and not now. and he hates himself for a second, hates how emotions take over him like this, how he can’t simply shove them back and pretend. for one second of life johyun wishes he could pretend. 

instead, he looks away. instead, his heart is beating and hurting inside his ribcage in a way that makes it hard to breathe. instead, he ruins it.

“you don’t remember, do you?” he asks, finally. and he shouldn’t, but he does. the fool that he is. “what happened the last time we saw each other? or do you?”

[idjohyun]

@atlas__mjh                                                                        2 hours ago

yo quiero volver aquí para verlos de nuevo pronto gracias, chile 💖💖💖

comments

santospaula96  SPANISH KING ↪ ggunnmachine he just google translated tho lmfao the bare minimum axxtxxlxxaxxs COME TO BRAZIL johyunieee LEGS SIR

[idjohyun]

awareness

[idjohyun]

zhangid‌:

he thinks about his conversation with taeho earlier, thinks about how desperate he was to shield taehee from him. then he looks at johyun, so handsome under the moonlight, so fragile, and something doesn’t feel right. there was supposed to have something there, in the way his heart beats when he looks at johyun, but instead luke feels nothing. he doesn’t even register what johyun is saying at first. “what?” he asks, distracted. maybe he had too much to drink, maybe he needs to sleep. “no, i was just looking at you. why, can’t i?” luke chuckles, lights another cigarette. god, his manager will kill him for smoking, but he needs it now. “tell me johyun, what do you like about me? i mean, not that i help you, but what do you like about me?” he asks, doubts johyun will have a good answer for that.

“what?” johyun asks, and that takes him off guard. he wasn’t expecting that question. he wasn’t expecting the conversation to go that direction. and this is unlike luke, in a way. or maybe not so much when he thinks of it properly. luke does like talking about himself and to hear people talking about himself. but the question still came out of nowhere. “that’s out of the blue.”

johyun pauses a second, stares at his friend with furrowed eyebrows. there’s something different about luke tonight. distant. odd. reminds him of things. reminds him of things he heard but never trusted enough. this is something about johyun, he has to see things with his own eyes. when he fell for san luke warned him that would be a mistake but he still went there and did it. when he fell for remi people told him the same thing. but he had to see it for himself, he had to know. he didn’t trust other people’s judgments, but time and time again he was shown that the judgment he shouldn’t trust was his own. but he doesn’t know what’s so different about luke tonight, but there is something. a hint of something. it makes him feel tight around his bones. 

“you make it seem that i’m only your friend because you help me,” johyun says instead. he has many reasons why he likes luke. he likes that he’s funny, likes that he always twists thing in odd ways that johyun never thought of. he likes his confidence, the way he’d always make johyun feel foolish for being so insecure. he likes the way luke feels whole, without questioning, without the hollowness that johyun found in himself so much. he likes him because he looks him in the eyes when they talk. and he likes him because they’re friends. but he doesn’t say any of that, feels as something twists inside of him and he looks away from his friend for a while. “is that what you think, then?”

johyun looks back to him, the cigarette close to burn his fingers. “that i’m your friend because you help me?” he puts emphasis in the words, raises his eyebrows. 

[idjohyun]

something more

[idjohyun]

ruwonid‌:

ruwon swings the door open, the stare. they’re putting it behind them, ruwon repeats it like a terrible mantra in his head. “uh, yeah. sure, sure.” ruwon takes a step back, waves johyun in with a swing of his hand, lets the door click shut behind him. a snap of finality to it. he wants to pick up the do not disturb sign hanging on the knob, hold it up like a ward to johyun’s face, a shitty rendition of a vampire and a cross - only for the sake of their friendship instead. “chile’s nice, they seem to love atlas.” a boring conversation, the easiest way to keep things tame.

johyun doesn’t do well with feelings. he never has. he also doesn’t do well in plenty more things. that is his thing, maybe. his talent, the thing he’s good at. throughout his whole childhood, he remained under his father shadow, being taken from place to place without a complaint. do this, do that. and the worst part is that his father never asked, he never demanded. all he had to do was to imply and johyun already felt obliged to do as he wished. no one ever had to ask things out of him, all they had to do was to make their wishes known and johyun would run to fulfill them. maybe then he’d be worthy. maybe then he’d be worthy. 

though that didn’t work with san, did it? or with remi? no. johyun had tried his best, he had gone deep into himself to find his worst to make them happy, to do what they wanted, to be able to fill every empty spot of theirs. he had destroyed himself in the process, he had ruined himself, made hole after hole until he became devoid of anything that reminded him of himself. and for nothing. he had tattered and torn himself for love and got nothing in return. he became a musician, an idol, for his father and now he wonders why. why? he doesn’t know. johyun doesn’t even know who he is anymore. 

and as he looks back, stares at ruwon, he doesn’t know what he wants too. ruwon has always been hard to read, johyun knows. it has made him anxious more than once. his first reaction is to do what ruwon wants. what does he want from him? he wants him to pretend nothing happened? he wants him to cup his face and kiss him? he wants johyun to leave? there’s something awkward in ruwon’s stance, the way he looks at him from the door, the way he speaks. it drives johyun mad. he doesn’t know what to do because he doesn’t know what ruwon wants him to do. 

with no knowledge, no direction to go, johyun has to resort to himself. what johyun wants? why did he come here?

“yeah,” he replies and his voice sounds hollow. or no, not hollow. anticipating. like he breathed for the first time now. he takes a step towards him and his heart leaps. 

it’s not that johyun doesn’t know what he wants, or who he is. it’s mostly that he’s scared of it. or mostly that he’s scared that ruwon will see it, see what he really wants, who he really is, and not want it back. not love it. fear comes, and he pauses.

for fuck’s sake, he’s so tired of being afraid. 

“we-,” johyun starts, pauses again. breathes. he doesn’t know what else to say, words seem devoid of any meaning. all he knows is the tight grip in his chest, and all he terrified he feels, and the way his skin and lips and every inch of him seems to be reminding of ruwon’s touch right now. he closes his eyes and then takes another step. in the quietness of the room he feels stupidly big, a mess of limbs and a beating heart. when he looks down his eyes meet his and johyun reaches out weakly, a finger that tangles at the hem of ruwon’s shirt. if he was a braver man he’d kiss him, but he isn’t. it’s time to accept who he is. “i really wanted to see you,” he says, finally. has the guts to keep his eyes on his as he does, his finger twisting the soft fabric of his shirt, the warmth almost inviting him. “but if you’d rather i go, i can,” he trails off, stops himself.  

[dazzlingkai]

[idjohyun]

awareness

chile, ‘19, w/ @zhangid

luke is his friend, or so johyun likes to believe. he likes to believe it because he has very little friends at this point and the ones he has johyun holds on to fiercely, with both hands and all ten fingers. and he likes luke. he likes him in a way he likes very few people. and luke has always been there, a faithful companion, someone who always shows up it doesn’t matter how deep johyun is in some shit hole. luke always comes. luke always saves him. he always reaches out with strong arms, helps him to get up, to stay up. and he didn’t ask for anything in return. 

it had always been like that. if asked, johyun would have no idea when they met or how. it just happened in a way or another. he doesn’t remember who reached out first or how that came to happen. it did, it was all that mattered. all that mattered was that luke has been with him since then, a steady presence, a sun to rain. even with all his bite, his snarkiness. even if sometimes he’d tell him he hated him and that he wouldn’t help him next time. he still did. ad johyun was thankful for that. 

so it’s no surprise that he ends up in luke’s room when they’re in chile, a night that’s been all but haunting to johyun. things have been getting worse for him. his mental health seems to deteriorate every day, and everything he does just doesn’t have the same impact anymore. the pills don’t help him sleep. the alcohol doesn’t help him forget. and sometimes, nights like this specific night, it seems like anxiety is all he is. a fear that creeps deep, memories that flash and flash until he’s suffocating. he doesn’t want to think of san and what he did. he doesn’t want to think of ruwon. he doesn’t want to think of anything.

so he comes to luke.

the bottle they’re sharing is almost empty, a cigarette that is loose between johyun’s fingers. he looks up. the room is dark, the moonlight its only source of any brightness. the way luke is looking at him is foreign, weird. johyun smiles. “what’s up?” he asks. they’ve been in silence for a while now, a silence that for johyun seemed comfortable. now he’s not so sure. “is there anything wrong?”

[idjohyun]

something more

chile, ‘19, w/ @ruwonid

it takes him an hour to stand up from his bed and make his way through the corridor.

there’s something heavy and horrible in johyun’s chest. anxiety makes it twist and turn, makes it seem as if something is inside and trying to make its way out. it burns and it hurts and johyun pauses, breathes in so deep it makes his heart ache with a sharp sort of pain. it feels like a knife. it feels like ruwon’s fingertips against the roughness of his skin. 

his legs are a wobbly mess but johyun keeps walking, decides to go down the stairs instead of the elevator. if he looks at himself he’ll turn back. if he looks at the mess he probably looks right now, this mess of anxiety and nerves, of anticipation and fear. those aren’t feeling he associates with ruwon. it was how things were with san maybe, but not quite. there’s an edge her that johyun never felt. a kind of fear that never crossed his mind. in ruwon, johyun has someone dear, someone close. someone who has been with him for long, a friendship that he treasures so much it terrifies to think of himself without it. johyun already doesn’t have that many friends. true friends, at least. but he has him.

and the memory comes again, sharp as a knife. the feeling of ruwon’s lips against his, his hands on his arms. how beautiful he looked when they broke apart, lips red, eyes half-lidded. he didn’t want to think of ruwon like that and yet he did. it was everything he could think about for the past week or so. ruwon has made a mess out of him, brought a wave of new possibilities with just one kiss. and that’s how johyun works, isn’t it? he gets hooked on people. when he wants someone he can’t simply want it, he goes all out, as if his body has a mind of its own. and that’s how he feels things. with his whole body, his whole mind, his whole soul. and right now the way he wants ruwon feels just too much.

when he gets to his door he pauses, stares. he felt so sure coming here and now he falters. because what if he tells him to leave? things had ben weird after that kiss, distant. it’s driving johyun mad. if he says no, he doesn’t know what he’ll do. but they have to talk at least, he thinks. they need to put those feelings into words. whatever they are. he breathes in and then knocks on the door.

when it opens, johyun inhales sharply. he looks at the man in front of him and there’s a tightness to his throat that makes his voice sound rougher, deeper than the usual. “may i come in?” he asks, doesn’t wait. there’s tension, he can feel it. he just doesn’t know of what sort yet. 

[idjohyun]

yo, hello everyone! it’s mia here, making a comeback (with a new concept!). so. johyun went through a small revamp, mostly things relatedt his career and stuff. rest assured his personality stayed mostly the same - he’s still very sad, very needy and very desperate for love. i’d love to plot with all of you so please hmu if there’s anything. i still have to update his pages, so i’ll leave a short tl;dr version of his new about bellow and maybe some connection ideas? hmu friends!

tw / drug use, depression, unhealthy coping mechanisms

so, min johyun. 25. atlas’ lead rapper (hoseok’s lines). became a trainee because of his father. he never wanted it. was bscly a know nothing trainee, and kjh started training him in rapping. didn’t do so well at first, trained his ass off. now he’s a decent rapper, mostly.  started writing lyrics and stuff a while ago. doesn’t have much support from the company. mostly known for his looks, has been modeling for brands here and there. also known as the door guy.  opened a youtube chanel last year, has been uploading videos of acoustic covers of girlgroups’ songs. has been wanting to release videos with songs of his own, but too scared to do so. he’s a very sad boy, and deals with his emptiness in terrible ways. drinking, self-medicating, drugs. anything but, ya know, talking about it.  tends to be extremely self-destructive.  bisexual, biromantic.  everything atlas is just very overwhelming for him. he doesn’t feel like he fits the group or like his skills are good enough. he’s a good char for good angst so if that’s something you’re into we are going to be great friends. 

some possible connections:

a best friend would be cool! someone with a very motherly energy who ants to dote on him. someone he dotes on and is always like “seriously? you’re telling me to take care of myself have you LOOKED at yoursef on the mirror lately lmfao” someone who trained with him @ kjh and bscly finds him a joke. someone who likes his covers maybe? one night stand that didn’t work out and now you’re best buddies. 

i have more plots on my plots page, but i still have to work on them again now after the revamp. but if you wanna take a look, please. also, here is his social media page.

thank you!! hope we can plot and write together this time around :)

[ruwonid-blog]

dreams.

[idjohyun]

ruwonid‌:

he pats his hand heavy against the middle of johyun’s back a good three of four times before he rubs a circle along the abused skin. comforting. ruwon’s doing his best. “there’s other fish in the sea.” ruwon pauses before he actually snorts, devolves into laughter at this worn out trope of a statement. “sexy, sexy fish.” he pulls his cheeks in to imitate one, moves his lips awkwardly for a few seconds before he releases it, laughs again, lets himself sway in against johyun’s shoulder. he’s always like this when he’s drunk. touchy. especially with johyun. he shouldn’t be.

park ruwon is a goddamn fool.

“i won’t fuck him. ever again. trust me,” johyun says, and it scares him how honest that sounds. how prophetic. whatever happened between him and ryu san won’t ever happen again. and there’s two sides to this truth: the liberating one is that because johyun won’t do that anymore, plain and simple. he can’t allow himselt to. san showed him a side that he can’t face, not ever again. johyun feels like every word that has left san’s mouth that night has broken parts of his very soul, even the parts that still loved him. because johyun had known ryu san could be that cruel, he has loved him for that, but a selfish part of himself expected san would never be that cruel to him. what a stupid thing to think, to think he was special in any way. 

and johyun feels different now. as if there was a fire that went out, parts of him that grew colder. he feels cruel. he feels heavy. maybe in his need to get whole again he took some parts from san, tried to mend himself, took parts of san that would made him stronger. a little bit of cruelty, a little bit of disregard. he tried to.

yeah, try to. the way johyun feels right now is anything but whole. 

but ruwon helps. he always helps. just being around him feels soothing, the way you feel when you go back home after a horrible day. the way you feel when you take your shoes off, lie down in your bed after working for hours. ruwon feels like home and he still feels foreign. the way he touches him feel foreign. the way she smiles at him also feels foreign. as if johyun has never felt something like this, or as if he has never been looked at like that. it felt warm. it felt different. or maybe he’s just drunk and he feels like that’s been the case for weeks now. 

so he laughs when ruwon mimics a fish, puffy cheeks and all. it feels like this is the first time he’s laughed in days. he leans in, hands on the boy’s cheeks. it’s not a first time thing when he thinks about how good looking ruwon is, it’s not something you just don’t notice about him. it’s obvious, too in your face sometimes. the pull in his chest is also not new, but johyun is used to ignore it. he was used to making himself think about san, about someone else, to not think of the weight his friend caused in his heart. but right now, it’s harder to focus on anything else. 

“guess i’ve been far from the sea for too long,” johyun says, feels ruwon against his shoulder. he takes advantage of it, leans further, allows himself to be even closer. ruwon feels like a flame, warming him on the inside, making him better. he looks, their faces closer. “who would even. i mean. i feel like san fucked me up so hard i don’t even know how to do this anymore. like flirt. approach someone. how do i even do that?” he laughs, buries his face on his had before looking at ruwon again. “who would even want anything with me now anyway.”

[yhhideyo]

waiting game.

[idjohyun]

zhangid‌:

it’s hard to help johyun up, to take him all the way to his place and when they arrive luke is tired and angry, having too much time to think of how stupid he looks doing this. still, he drags johyun all the way to his bedroom, takes his shoes off and throws him on the bed. “you know what? fuck you johyun,” luke says, reaching out to the cigarette pack he leaves on his nightstand. he lits a cigarette, lets the nicotine work its magic. “fuck you very much. you’re stupid and i hate you.” he can’t even say it with conviction, that is how pathetic luke is. he sits by the balcony and lets the smoke escape into the night. truth is, he wishes he could hate johyun, at least for a day, at least a little.

he more feels the way to luke’s house rather than see it. it’s all a haze, his vision blurry, his conscience far too gone for him to be a reliable eye witness. but he feels luke pulling him up, embracing him so he’d be able to stand. he feels his warmth against him as he leads him out of the club. he feels his body shaking when he laughs at him when johyun starts mumbling about his motorcycle. he feels himself being thrown in the car, quick, objective and johyun whines complains. but he also feels as he fixes him, helps him up. johyun feels dizzy the whole way, cars always make him nauseous but he keeps it in. he wishes he could open the window. 

he leans on luke’s shoulder and rests instead. 

then he is being dragged again and johyun tries his best to help. he wants to help. he doesn’t want to be a bother, doesn’t want luke to hate him to. luke to replace him to. what will he do if he does? what will he do with his life? there’s a memory that comes and san is too clear in it and johyun almost throws up. he hates san. fuck he hates him so much. he hates that san hates him this much and now he wants to cry, but he won’t. luke will hate him even more if he does. what a pathetic sight he must be right now. drunk, mumbling, all over the place. and then crying too? no. that’d be too much. luke would throw him out of his house. 

but johyun feels afe when they’re inside. he feels safe even when luke basically throws him on his bed, laughter escaping even though the quickness of it made his head twist and twist. so johyun turns around, lies on his back, stares as the ceiling turns and turns above of him. he tries to reach out for it to make it stop but no success. he lets his arm drop, eyes widening at luke’s words. he tries to lift himself up, sits down, fights against the wave of nausea that comes. if he throws up on luke’s beautiful carpet he know he’ll throw him out of the window. he knows. 

“you don’t,” he says, reaches out, fingers grabbing on the edge of luke’s shirt. he feels the smell of smoke and he looks up. “right? you don’t hate me. you can’t.”

please.

[idjohyun]

simplicity

@ a nightclub, making mistakes with @idaroon

his friendship with aroon is a simple one and johyun likes that. he likes the uncomplicated nature of it, the easiness that they share, the lack of games. they’re not playing anything. aroon is a nice boy and johyun likes his company, and that’s about it. though god forbid aroon ever hears him saying that. he’d be impossible to live with. 

a few drinks in and things are easier. these last few days have been anything but easy. there’s something that has been irreparably broken inside of him, and now that it’s happened he doesn’t know what to do. it’s something he has watched as it happened, something he knew would happen at some point. the path he walked in only could lead to such an outcome. but still, he did. maybe to feel something. maybe being broken was better than feeling hollow. well. not that he’s here, he doesn’t know if he was right or not. he knew it hurt, and there was just a few things that could ease that pain.

alcohol was easy to get, and a good excuse. aroon is a friend and it’s not unusual for them to go out like this. they’ve done it plenty of times, be it to escape from the dorms, be it to spice things out a bit. johyun knows this place well, he and aroon have liked it the most out of all the gay clubs all over seoul. it was the smallest, the most cozy, and the least likely for them to be followed (or tricked, photographed). a few perks of becoming friends with the owner. 

but alcohol was becoming less and less reliable, the numbness it used to bring nearly not being enough anymore. johyun needed more, but he didn’t want to bother aroon, to show him that side of him. so he does the worse thing he could do: he starts talking about what happened. he tells him about the night he spent at san’s, about what he said. he tells him everything until his throat is closing in itself and he drinks more. he shouldn’t be talking. he just shouldn’t. but he does, because it eases things. even if just a little. even iif now he’s embarrassed as hell.

“go ahead, you can say it,” johyun says as the two of them are sitting down outside, johyun smoking. “tell me i’m a fucking stupid ass for going to his house. c’mon. i deserve it. you can hit me even. god. please hit me.”

[idryusan]

circles.

[idjohyun]

idryusan‌:

“maybe just you.” san delivers out when johyun asks him if he’s replaceable. an easy enough lie to figure out at some point, due to how many people san’s done this to over the years. but maybe in the moment johyun won’t connect the dots. “maybe i did. so you’d take the fucking hint. and you have it now, right? that i want him. so maybe you should fuck off. stop. stop finding me all the time. stop looking. stop. i said we were done, right? so what else do i have to do to make us be done?” this statement is punctuated by another laugh. this time, it’s incredulous.

and to think he has loved him.  and to think he loves him, even now, even still.

johyun watches san in terror. yes. it’s terror he feels. terror as venom comes out of san’s lips, and it terrifies him the length he goes. it hurts him to know how far he can go. and it’s not that johyun didn’t know. he’s not surprised, no. it’s not surprise that renders him completely speechless now, eyes wide, hurt. it’s fear. it’s hatred. it’s love. and it’s all mixed up, all so intertwined johyun can’t make sense of it. he feels lost and he feels pathetic. why did he come? the question san made makes sense. what was he expecting? why did he come?

well, he knows why and that’s the worst part. he came because when san asks something out of him he goes and does it. san’s words and raw and crude but there’s a ring of truth to it. he did expect love. he did expect a night together. he expected all of those things in his heart of hearts. but he got exactly what he knew he’d get:

humiliation. 

and that’s what he deserves. for being naive. no, no, not naive. he knew. he fucking knew. that’s what kills him here. that he knew and yet he came. that he expected different and would never get. fuck. fuck fuck fuck. he should leave. he should just get up and leave, and it kills him that a part of him stays, listens, as if he deserves to hear all that shit. 

until san delivers his final blow. 

“maybe just you,” he says, and johyun chokes. maybe just you. and johyun wonders if san knows exactly what those words would do to him, what they are doing to him. they crave themselves in his skin, in blood, mark him for life. he swallows down, looks away. he can’t bear looking at san anymore. he can’t bare the pain, the turmoil. “you called me,” he whispers and it doesn’t make sense. not against san’s words. why did he call him? he doesn’t understand and it doesn’t matter. or maybe he does understand. he called him because san is cruel. he called him because he liked seeing him hurt. he called him because johyun didn’t matter. a plaything. disposable. replaceable. 

san laughs and he looks up. offers him his final gift. he has broken him, ruined him, and it shows. it’s obvious. johyun looks at him because he remembers a time he’d do anything for that laughter, that smile. now it’ll haunt him.

“don’t ever call me again,” he says and his voice doesn’t sound like his own. and what a stupid thing to say. of course he won’t. san has made his point clear - johyun is a joke to him. a funny boy. that’s it. “please. leave me alone.”

and then he stands up, nails on his palm, slams the door behind him. as he goes down the stairs he feels fury. as he races his motorcycle down the streets back to the dorm he feels pain. and when he arrives in the dorm, to where milo is he feels shame. and when he starts drinking johyun closes his eyes, thankful.

he feels nothing.