feel like i'm in paradise!

if i gave you less, would you want me more?

[idleds-a]

welcome to idleds, a selective & low-activity independent blog featuring na seunggi, an original character penned by h (she/her).

— rules. about. stats. plots. opens. mobile links. — pinterest. orangepeelr. giventakes. thread tracker. — graphic inspo. large gif credits: one, two.

DRAFTS: 00 / INBOX: 00 / STARTERS: 00

* this blog runs on an untagged queue!

[idleds-a]

gonna move all threads (including the things sitting in my drafts for 800 yrs </3) & the memes i feel like taking over there!

[idleds-a]

gonna move all threads (including the things sitting in my drafts for 800 yrs </3) & the memes i feel like taking over there!

[idleds-a]

gonna move all threads (including the things sitting in my drafts for 800 yrs </3) & the memes i feel like taking over there!

[idleds-a]

gonna move all threads (including the things sitting in my drafts for 800 yrs </3) & the memes i feel like taking over there!

[idleds-a]

girl i give up we’re moving

[realforyou]

i really need a “i asked u to wait for me but when i came back u were already with someone else… do u love them? do they touch u like me?” plot im begging

[amoreemioo]

❝ i’m better off alone. ❞ (6 🧐)

       his heart stopped, he was sure of it. in fact, everything stopped. ares might have even started to feel a little nauseous at those words. it seemed all he could really do was stare across at seunggi with his smile slowly melting off his features. was he misinterpreting it? did he hear seunggi wrong? maybe his brain was just jumping to the worst case scenario here — there were so many things someone could want to do alone. pretty much everything under the sun could be done alone, and some people preferred it that way.

       but, oh, the way his mind went right to them. to ares and seunggi. the other didn’t want to do this, he didn’t want there to be us. he wanted to do it alone — he wanted to be alone.

       who knows how many seconds ares had stood here in silence, expression no doubt filtering through every emotion in the span of a few moments. but when he did eventually manage to speak the words came out soft, maybe a little confused. “are — are you breaking up with me?” god, it hurt to say. it hurt to say that a lot — is that what this was? was it truly a break up, or was he letting his mind take off with the worst case scenario thing? “you’re not, right — it’s something else—“

       maybe he should take this at face value. it wasn’t about him — seunggi wanted to be alone. just for the night? for the rest of his life? at least where ares was concerned —

       there was a small step back from where he was standing just outside seunggi’s door, brows knitting together as he tried to run through the list of possibilities again.

       be alone just for the night.

       could it mean playing pool?

       watching sad movies so no one could see you cry?

       or was this truly them breaking up.

       “it’s something else?”

[idleds-a]

40

maybe he's naive (or just overly excitable), but seunggi's quite convinced he struck gold. the gold of all roommates to be exact because, well —

there's plenty of reasons, now that he's thinking about it. ares is nice (very nice, to be exact — he remembers his brother muttering something about the kid being so sweet he was going to lose a tooth the first time they met). he's sociable (again, very). he keeps his side of the room clean, and usually waves to seunggi when they pass each other in the halls.

ares, also, doesn't seem to look at him weird when seunggi ends up poking his side every couple of nights, looking for something warm to wrap up into. which, obviously, is a nice thing. because it's a very fucking weird thing to ask of someone, especially someone he doesn't know very well. but he can't help it! he's convinced that, somehow, someway, the hufflepuff dormitories stray colder than any of the others, which makes it impossible to sleep at night. he's got a theory that gryffindor's runs the hottest, just because they never seem to stop talking, and it doesn't help that seunggi just runs cold in general, but — he needs to sleep, okay? doesn't get much simpler than that.

he always tries to make things less weird by trying to wake up before ares, give him some time in his own bed alone. in the case that seunggi's left awake by himself for a while, he'll do what he can to clean his mess. maybe even do what he can for ares in the hopes of giving a quiet thanks. he's not sure if any of it amounts to anything, considering they do not talk about it, but that won't stop him. a generous thing should be met with another of equal value or more, no if's, and's, or but's.

...except for when he wakes up and finds that ares is awake first for once. in which case, seunggi is on the verge of asking ares to forgo all generosity and just fucking strangle seunggi on the spot to save him the fucking embarrassment — but this is a natural consequence. seunggi puts himself out there in a weird fucking way, so now he's got to deal with ares treating him equally. it's only fair.

and so, when he murmurs a quiet, "good morning," he's mostly hoping ares won't hear it. might make sending seunggi off easier, right?

image based prompts / image no. 40! / based

[idleds-a]

HANEUL.

there’s something so lovely in the way seunggi talks about haru as if he’s still here. he is, haneul knows he is, but to have it affirmed by someone other than himself is… nice. it settles some part of his heart and mind, and haneul feels the slightest bit comforted by it. haru’s still with him, seunggi can see it; seunggi knows. but there’s still a soft shake of his head when he moves— shifts to scoot closer to seunggi, to lay his head in his lap. “mine doesn’t,” he says, and that’s all he’ll say on it, because he’s sure seunggi knows that too.

he listens. and, for the record, he’s not very good at this— the whole knowing what to say thing. he wants to ask more about it because he wants to know more about seunggi, but the lilt of his voice and sad sad sad way he says it’s complicated tells him that maybe he shouldn’t. not yet, anyway. maybe not ever. and that’s fine with haneul too. complications, he knows, perhaps all too well.

so he hums instead, scrunches his nose and teases with a soft: “they wouldn’t like me, huh?” he asks because he’s curious about this too, even though he knows they wouldn’t. haneul hardly meets anyone’s taste, but someone from seunggi’s ring? liking grime like haneul? someone like seunggi, finding something good in blood money like him? there’s absolutely no way. in absolutely no universe would they look at him in any other direction but down.

“s’okay,” he adds, a shoulder lifting briefly. “i didn’t think you liked me either until…” what, a couple hours ago? “today.” and, between haneul and the stars in the sky? he’s still not sure seunggi does. it’s just odd, right? it’s odd, the way seunggi treats him, how he’s supposedly found something to like about haneul. more so: maybe he’s found more than one thing to like about haneul. he can’t grasp that— can’t comprehend what in haneul seunggi’s attached to.

ah, but maybe it’s not what’s in him he likes. haneul frowns, thinking, for a moment, maybe seunggi likes what haneul can give him. he sets that thought aside for later.

“i was so sure you wanted me dead. or… didn’t care if i died, at least.” haneul wasn’t the kindest either, to be fair. it makes it all the more odd, how they ended up this way. his heart churns with all the possible reasons why, all the reasons bubbling up to the surface that he doesn’t want to think about yet. if he acknowledges them, they might be true.

it’s entirely honest, the way his head tilts— curious as he blinks up at seunggi. “do you think you’re still going to like me in the morning?”

seunggi hums, shifting more to give haneul’s big head all the space he could possibly need. “agree to disagree, then.” and maybe he’s a bit in over his head, as he always is when it comes to matters of the heart, but — from a non-haneul perspective, there’s nothing that could suit him better. not in a ‘well, you look like a haneul’ fashion or familiarity for the sake of it. rather — he can see the stars in haneul’s eyes when he speaks sometimes, when he offers seunggi a chance to slip between the pickets of the fence built between them and listen. really, honestly listen. and the kid hasn’t been on a plane, not in years, which is pathetically poetic in seunggi’s mind and —

seunggi thinks the sky can’t hold a damn candle to haneul, alright? so, maybe his plight’s not so much about haneul’s name fitting him. maybe it’s him fitting his name, instead. and for all haneul is, he knows it’d be impossible. and that’s not including the fact that seunggi knows the minimum here. 

his finger drops to gently trace the curve of the younger’s jaw. he wonders if it’ll ever get any easier for haneul. fitting, that is.

he blinks away momentarily, his gaze settling on the corner of where one wall of the hall meets another. how they bend and figure — not even a millimeter off from one another. 

until he’s frowning at haneul’s question. well — not so much at it, but the answer before it’s even said. “they don’t like much of anything, really.” cars, clothes, a fucking ad deal — if it’s got their name on it, they’re a fan. obviously. seunggi’s no better than that, either. but literally anything else? "they’re really... particular. high brow, or whatever the fuck.” his head tilts. “worse than me, if you can imagine it.” but a brow cocks, warning haneul to not make a snide comment here.

“and i’m not entirely sure it’s a compliment to be liked by them, so.” seunggi’s aware he’s only made the cut by association, but he also knows he prefers it that way. hence: “wear it with pride,” he teases with a poke to haneul’s cheek, all before he’s squishing them together. because he can, thanks. 

unsurprisingly, however, the frown is there to stay, it seems. he’s aware haneul’s second question makes sense, too, considering everything that occurred before haneul begged for answers and seunggi begged for a hand to hold. but it’s still not fun to reminisce on, not when he’s got haneul’s head in his lap and a desire to wish they were past it settling in his stomach. maybe naive considering it’s barely been a few hours, but —

“you’re telling me,” he begins, his free hand beginning to card through haneul’s hair gently. “you really thought all that after i stitched you back together?” not a good example, clearly. there wasn’t much... good intention behind it at first, anyway — just seunggi trying to stop his damn dealer from bleeding out on a random fucking thursday. but there’s still some principle to it, right? some proof that seunggi wants nothing but for haneul to live? his brows furrow for a moment, concerned. “you don’t still think that, do you?”

and his fear is confirmed. but, again, it makes sense. considering everything. and it’s not like seunggi’s a liar when he says, “yes. i’ve got a pretty good feeling about it.” his fingers scratch gently at haneul’s scalp for a moment. “maybe not so much before you brush your teeth, but lucky for you, i can be persuaded.”

[idleds-a]

SUNNY.

no, sunny does not need help and, no, the fucking boulder this guy’s found isn’t fair either. but neither is she. so she glances between the rock, the guy, and back to the rock. she figures, fuck it, takes it from him and smashes the other’s head with it. one hit isn’t enough, but two gives the satisfying crack that makes him tumble.

nice.

with a satisfied nod and a rub of her sore scalp, sunny drops the rock, turns her attention to the penguin handing out pebbles. “thanks honey,” she chirps, sliding an arm around his shoulders (mindful of the blood, of course!). one man down, another to go. although, she hopes this one bends a lot easier— maybe without blunt force trauma. that rock is nearby just in case though— “you saw that, didn’t you? he hit me first and i was just defending myself?”

an eyebrow is raised. “you helped me, didn’t you?”

sunny smiles.

“we did this together, huh? partners in crime?” she taps her palm on his chest, congratulatory. “should we get a drink to celebrate, my bonnie?”

suddenly, seunggi very much wishes he never fucking asked. 

and that’s before the stranger decides to (quite literally) take him under her wing in the name of spontaneous friendship. no — it’s in the few seconds between the first hit of the rock to the other stranger’s head and the second, where it’s nothing but silent until her hand lifts again and, with the way the man’s body falls —

oh, god. did seunggi just witness a murder?

even fucking worse: did seunggi just assist in a murder?

he stares at the body now collapsed on cold concrete, looks to the woman, and decides. no, she most definitely not need his help. and offering is likely going to prove more fruitful in terms of blooming regrets than opening his mouth has so far. because, for one, jail and, you know, for two, jail. 

still, he laughs nervously. comically loud. and cosmically panicked. “oh — help? me help? no, no, no —” he offers a shake of his head, his shoulders lifting like that’ll help him squirm away from the fucking scene. “he hit you first, for sure! self-defense, girl power — woo! — the whole fucking gambit, but —” he cringes away from her hold, getting flashbacks to being three and almost having his cheeks torn off by one of his grandmas. “i don’t think you’ve got the right guy — or bonnie, sorry.” there’s a thought to run, but he doesn’t want to find out if throwing rocks is just as high up on her lists of skills.

so, he smiles. painfully awkwardly. “have a good night?”

[jung-koook]

220823 - yoongi's instagram stories

[leneemusing]

AFFECTIONATE  AND  AFFIRMING  PROMPTS 

❝  i’ll always want to listen to you.  ❞

❝  any time spent with you is time i treasure.  every second.  ❞

❝  my favorite color changes but it’s always the same,  whatever color you’re wearing.  ❞

❝  whatever matters to you matters to me,  you’re important to me.  ❞

❝  you’re so strong.  and brave—but i wish you knew you don’t always have to be.  i’m here,  if you’re ever willing to let me help shoulder those burdens.  ❞

❝  i’m not staring,  i’m admiring.  ❞

❝  i’ll always be yours,  in one way or another.  ❞

❝  you don’t ever have to worry with me.  i’m here for good.  ❞

❝  you are more beautiful than you know.  ❞

❝  you have a beautiful mind and a wonderful soul,  don’t ever let anyone make you think differently.  ❞

❝  i’m happier when you’re here.  ❞

❝  you’ve become my joy.  ❞

❝  whatever else happens,  if i have you,  i’m content.  ❞

❝  well,  i do feel a little better now that you’re here.  ❞

❝  you do make me happy,  it’s important you know that.  ❞

❝  you will always be my priority.  ❞

❝  i love you forever.  ❞

❝  you don’t know how glad i am to see you.  ❞

❝  you look wonderful.  ❞

❝  i want you to feel safe with me.  ❞

❝  i’m not letting you go until you say it out loud.  you’re beautiful and strong.  you deserve to believe it.  ❞

❝  sometimes you amaze me—i mean you always do.  but you have such intuition and real wisdom about things.  i like understanding the way you see the world.  ❞

❝  you carry yourself with such grace.  ❞

❝  you have a way of lighting up even the darkest moments.  ❞

❝  a tender heart is a courageous thing to preserve.  don’t ever be ashamed of having one.  ❞

❝   being around you makes me a better person.  ❞

❝  i hope you know just how full of worth you are.  ❞

❝  you always make me see things differently.  i appreciate your perspective. ❞

❝  i’m just enjoying you.  you look happy today and i like seeing that.  ❞

❝  you’re very valuable to me.  ❞

❝  you can come to me with anything.  anything at all.  ❞

❝  there is not a place in the world i would rather be than right here with you.  ❞

❝  come here,  come sit in my lap and tell me about your day.  ❞

❝  come put your head in my lap and tell me something new.  ❞

❝  i love it when you smile at me like that.  ❞

❝  i don’t think i can share you with anyone today.  ❞

❝  i’ll take you anywhere you want.  just tell me where.  ❞

❝  bored? of you?  impossible.  ❞

❝  if you like it i’ll get you one.  ❞

❝  your happiness matters greatly to me.  ❞

❝  you deserve to reach the goals you want in life.  you deserve to obtain anything you wish.  ❞

❝  you’re doing well.  you’re just discouraged and tired.  ❞

❝  you need to rest,  you don’t have to do it all today.  ❞

❝  the way i love you goes beyond description.  even those words don’t seem like enough.  ❞

❝  you come first.  you’re always my first choice.  ❞

❝  no,  if you’re upset that’s what matters right now.  talk to me.  ❞

❝  i want to share in your joy.  i want to be part of all things that make you happy.  ❞

❝  all of my best moments are the ones that have you in them.  ❞

❝  i would give you anything you ask of me. ❞

[ COMFORT ]  sender discovers receiver brooding and quietly approaches to carefully hug them from behind. 

[ SOOTHE ]  in the midst of a tense moment,  receiver turns away to conceal their emotions but sender wraps their arms around them and holds them from behind. 

[ CLOSE ]  sender reaches out and pulls receiver into their lap as they’re walking by. 

[  STOP  ]  sender reaches out and takes receiver’s face into their hands,  drawing them away from what they’re doing so they can just look at receiver for a moment.  

[ GIVE ]  sender greets with receiver with a gift. 

[ BRING ]  sender takes receiver out for the day to pamper them. 

[ ATTENTION ]  sender peppers a series of caresses over receiver’s face in an attempt to make them laugh or smile. 

[ COAX ]  sender knows receiver has had a lot on their mind,  so they hold them for a while to help them relax and hopefully open up. 

[ CARESS ]   sender sits by quietly while receiver works,  petting their hair and simply providing company. 

[ RELAX ]  sender gives receiver a massage. 

[ LOOK ]  for receiver to catch sender gazing adoringly at them.

[ MORNING ]  for sender to wake receiver with a kiss. 

[idleds-a]

JIWON.

the moment jiwon hears the bench creak beneath seunggi’s shifting weight, he knows something is wrong. a feeling akin to worry quickly fills the space between his lungs as he lifts his gaze from the paper and fixes it instead on his friend. the tension is thick and suffocating, but jiwon doesn’t dare swallow. he doesn’t do much at all aside from stare and breathe carefully. once equal parts tart and sweet, the rhubarb crumble tastes only bitter now. the unpleasant flavour clings to the roof of his mouth and singes his throat. his stomach turns in protest, but jiwon continues to watch.

silence has never felt so loud, nor so heavy that jiwon can feel it threatening to send him to the kitchens below. (and he’s certain the hardworking elves would not appreciate it.) when seunggi doesn’t even face him while saying he needs to go back to his table, jiwon feels the first wave of tears stinging the corners of his eyes. he’s felt this before, when he’d gotten lost on a family holiday to the beach while following a pair of fluttering pixies. back then, his parents hadn’t quite understood him as they do now, confused and lost and perhaps a bit frustrated. they couldn’t have known their child would one day grow up to become a wizard. magic, at that point, had only existed in fairy tales.

so now, with this rift growing between him and seunggi, jiwon doesn’t quite know how to explain things, let alone solve the situation. he feels like he’s disappointed his friend, but jiwon doesn’t understand what he’s done wrong. would it have been better to guard his secret more carefully? if he had, would seunggi be laughing instead of upset at him? at least this way seunggi can’t see how jiwon bites his shaking lip and reaches up to swipe his cheeks dry.

“okay,” he agrees, tucking his spoon back into his mouth in case seunggi turns around to see why he could barely get the second syllable out. if letting one person—one of the most important people to him—find out about his bullies has led to this, jiwon doesn’t want anyone else to know. but he agrees anyway because he doesn’t want to let seunggi down again. “i promise.”

the next time silence falls between them, jiwon doesn’t let it settle for long. with one hand still clutching the spoon in his mouth, he uses the other to gather a sheet of parchment and a quill he’d charmed to write in glittery ink. his fringe is long enough that it covers his eyes when he ducks his head low, neatly printing today’s date in the top right corner. “i’ll tell mum about your strawberry allergy. at the very least, i’ll have her send a picture of toast so you can see how he’s doing.” jiwon keeps his voice even, controlled. he shouldn’t cry when his friend is still here. “the vet said he has to lose weight, so he’s been on a diet, but he figured out how to get extra food from the automatic timed dispenser. he’s a real hoot, that toast.”

it’s a bit... comical, how quickly seunggi managed to get to his feet yet shows no real urgency to leave. he just stands there, nervously poking and picking at the few stray threads of his hem, swaying like nothing’s wrong, he’d just needed to stretch his legs is all! sitting a while will do that to you, especially after eating such good food. no harm!

of course not!

definitely not in the way he can’t quite bring himself to respond to jiwon directly, almost ashamed that his dramatic brought him here, drawing a line between he and his friend like some fucked up sort of punishment, again, for something jiwon can’t control —

and that’s why seunggi can’t bring himself to walk away. jiwon is good, and he knows it. so good that he doesn’t need to stoop down to seunggi’s inherited level of justice, nor should he be expected to for seunggi’s sake. as if seunggi’s even got anything to do with jiwon’s larger problem.

really, jiwon is so good that seunggi refuses to let himself sit down again. his own form of punishment. he deals, and in turn, he’s dealt. it’s only fair, he decides. 

and it hurts, listening to jiwon describe such domestic things like there’s not this sudden rift between them (all because of seunggi’s feelings), so he plants his feet. “tell the vet he should mind his business,” he murmurs under his breath with a poor attempt at an amused snort. “if toast wants to eat like a king, he should be allowed. he’s earned it, as far as i’m aware.” what, with being one of the two cutest cats of all time, and all. his head tilts, still keeping his gaze avoidant of all things jiwon — because seunggi hasn’t earned the chance to bleed back into their familiarity yet. “i’d like that, though. i’d love to see how he’s doing.” even more so in a picture — he’d love to add it to the others he’s collected of all things pertaining to the muggle world. (yes, toast is a muggle cat in his mind. or maybe not? he can’t be if he’s wiggling his way into more food, right?) his collection’s a mess, quite frankly. some pictures from jiwon, some torn from some of the magazines in the library because he just can’t help himself —

“have you ever considered bringing him here?” seunggi asks suddenly, again not entirely able to help himself. “these halls would help him lose weight if it’s really that necessary, i’d think. plus, he’d be able to have tea keeping him on his toes. the more the merrier, hm?”

[idleds-a]

SUNNY.

@idleds sent: TO THE AGGRESSOR: “ is there a problem here? ”

sunny’s first instinct is to laugh— not because the question at hand is particularly funny, but because it’s stupid. there’s surely no problem with some guy with holding a fistful of her hair at the root, and definitely no problem with the way her hand is wrapped around his throat. there’s no conflict between his bloody nose and her split lip— none at all.

but if there were, what’s he gonna fucking do about it?

“just a lover’s quarrel,” she says, lips curled in a smile while she presses harder on the throat caught in her hand. “y’wanna swing your dick over here and tell mister man to play fair? since he—” sunny jabs her elbow against his nose— “won’t fucking—” she scratches at his eyes— “listen.”

why does seunggi even bother to ask? well —

honestly, fuck if he knows!

maybe there’s some fucked up, misogynistic part of his brain that sees a girl involved in a physical altercation and thinks oh. she needs my help. but on the other hand, that can’t be true — the needing help, that is. seunggi saw the hand she has wrapped around the man’s throat from a mile away, was honestly horrified at that sight alone. but he also saw the hand in her hair — which, he knows from fighting with his sister, is a full-on fucking cop out — and agrees. he’s not playing fair. not at all.

but there’s also the fact that seunggi doesn’t really... want to play? like, yeah, he definitely could help even out the playing field here. he’s got two working fists and two balanced feet to helpl dedicate to the cause, for sure! but there’s... blood, like, everywhere, and he kind of likes his clothes as they are, thanks, so he’d just, you know, rather not?

so! he does the next best thing.

seunggi, like a goddamn genius, picks up a rock.

he picks up the biggest fucking rock he can find and holds it up in offering. in question. “is this fair? or no?”

[agustd3]

little chest rub 

[idleds-a]

HANEUL.

haneul chooses not to say that seunggi acts like more than a baby than he does (he does recall a time when the elder expected to keep getting free goods from haneul once upon a time), but the comment doesn’t go without a suspicious squint of his eyes and a heavy pout. seunggi’s like, a baby grandpa, and haneul kind of wonders if he’d be the same if he grew up as the baby of the family like seunggi did.

he can’t quite place the discomfort that comes next. seunggi calls it a loss as if he’s gone— truly, surely. and somewhere inside himself, haneul knows he is. sometimes, if he’s honest with himself, he says that haru is.

but he’s not— not really. haneul still hears i love yous when he chooses to remember him; his brother still hugs him tightly and sticks bandaids on his scraped knees when he thinks of those memories. how could haru possibly be gone when he watches over him from the stars— when he listens to haneul’s worries and fears at night when he sits with the moon? what loss is there?

haneul shrugs, equal parts denial and uncomfortable, and leans himself to the side until he’s rolled out of seunggi’s hold and onto the floor. “it’s not a loss,” he tries to say, ignoring the acidic taste of denial burning in his throat. haru’s not gone; he can’t be gone until haneul says so. he almost tells seunggi that he still talks to him all the time— how seunggi could talk to him too if he wants— but he bites that down. he tucks it away and keeps that secret his. and instead: “it’s complicated.”

haneul’s head lolls to the side, nearly meeting seunggi’s eyes if he could see them. “haru,” he says. “my mom wished better for us.” she still tells him so sometimes— how she named her sons after a new day and the heavens themselves with the intention of raising them into a better life.

haneul thinks it’s ironic every time.

“did you nearly die with yours?” if he doesn’t laugh about it, he’ll cry about it, so— “are you close with them?”

seunggi, in all his wanting to understanding, nods along quietly — frowns when he realizes he’s made haneul uncomfortable enough to scramble from the little bubble they’ve formed around them. (or maybe not away from? maybe he’s just extended it? he’s still here, next to seunggi, after all.) but seunggi wants to apologize — it’s the obvious knee jerk reaction after potentially offending someone with such a sensitive topic, one that has seunggi wanting to kick himself in the nose.

but haneul just calls it complicated. meaning: there’s (obviously). much more to the story than seunggi would ever comprehend. meaning: making assumptions would undeniably hurt more than they would help. 

still... not a loss. he doesn’t want to, but seunggi can’t help but think of the only person who’s death has affected him similarly. no — in more ways than he can count. 

not a loss — no, losing his father was not a loss. for the world? maybe. but not for seunggi. 

with another nod, seunggi swallows the fact that neither of them mean those words in the same way. and with that, he’s torn over pitying himself for never knowing such love, or feeling grateful that haneul’s got optimism towards something so earth-shattering. he chooses the latter. for obvious reasons.

“it’s a lovely name,” he murmurs quietly, his lips slipping into a very small smile, even if it’s more pained than anything else. “sounds like it fits him well.” (not a loss. meaning: present tense.) or at least the name fits the image of haru as it exists in seunggi’s mind. he knew next to nothing about him, sure, but — he can see enough of him in haneul’s eyes as he speaks about him, hears enough of him in voice as he speaks his name to get the idea. “yours fits you well, too. just for the record.”

and for a moment, seunggi finds himself so wrapped up in haneul’s family that he forgets to consider his own. “oh, um — maybe? but that’s more because we were pains in the asses than anything else.” he huffs out a short laugh. they ost definitely still are pains, but now it’s more towards one another than anything else. his hands take over the job of fiddling with his short, his gaze falling to his lap. “we’re as close as we can be, you know? it’s not easy, as weird as that sounds.” they’ve certainly got the money and time to be close, right? but none of it translates to much, not when — “we were closer growing up than we are now. it’s not like i see them any less, or anything, just —” he lets out a sigh, feels his chest deflate further into the wall with the sound.

he remembers everything well, as much as he wishes he didn’t (it’d be easier if he didn’t). he remembers how their dynamic changed from family-oriented to name-centric. how his brother and sister would always bring their competitions to a level that became less about winning and more about tearing each other down. proving their worth by proving everyone else worthless. how that came to include seunggi once he was old enough; once he was looped into the ring of false attention from their father, all in the name of summoning jealousy in the others. but he wasn’t as well-versed in all of it — he was the youngest, after all, so how could he have known? why doesn’t he know anything else? why can’t he? he —

purses his lips as he pulls one knee to his chest. and when seunggi smiles this time, he’s better at hiding the pain behind it. “it’s just complicated.”