I don't love you ...

Jess was over that . He really was. At least he thought so. Though when old feelings come back he finds himself caught between pushing them away and fighting for what might be his happy ending. And then there's the new girl at work who is as weird as she is intriguing, as strange as she is charming and as fun to have around as she is driving him crazy. Olivia was born and raised on the road, constantly traveling from one state to another with her family and the dream of finding their next big adventure. She never felt like staying in one place for a longer period of time though maybe she never had a proper reason to. Now she’s on her own trying to locate the one puzzle piece always missing from her life while simultaneously stumbling into what might just be her biggest adventure yet. A wedding, a bus ride, a lost notebook and an unforseen offer bring these two together and spark the idea that maybe the best people do enter your life in the most unexpected ways.

[idontloveyoufic]

hi! i just loved the fact that olivia have a nofx patch, makes me love her even more. please post more!

Haha, glad to hear she's being liked :)

I'm working on the next chapter in just very busy with work. When I started this story I was unemployed and home most of the day pretty much all week. Now I work a full time job and sadly don't have as much time as I would like to dedicate to writing :/ I will am working on this story and hope to be able to update soon 💖

[idontloveyoufic]

Chapter 3 - We Grow Accustomed To The Dark

“Either the Darkness alters— Or something in the sight Adjusts itself to Midnight— And Life steps almost straight.” - We grow accustomed to the Dark (Emily Dickinson)

 “ Look, all I’m saying is that a poem about the impending doom and the dissolution of humanity might not be the best pick for a family friendly event. “

 The man in the ugly sweater vest sitting behind the dark oak desk spoke into the phone as he moved on hand through his short hair, slightly gripping it in frustration.

 “ I know Francis but this just isn’t the content we’re looking for. Not for this specific event at least. It’s more about, you know, getting kids into reading. Show them that literature can be fun. We don’t want them going home pondering about death and the reason why god has abandoned us, to say it with your words. “

 Olivia couldn’t suppress the little smirk forming on her lips as she listened to him slowly but surely losing his mind over this conversation. Oh how she wished she could’ve heard the other side of it all. The person on the other end must’ve been quite the character. This call had been going on ever since she had stepped into the store and there was no hint of it stopping anytime soon.

 The guy behind the desk was definitely not the one she was looking for but maybe he could help her find him. Or at least help her find this Jess girl. Maybe she knew more about bus boy.

 Curiously she let her eyes travel around the shop. There were bookshelves everywhere, stocked to the brim and containing all kinds of topics. Non-fiction, science fiction, and most of all local authors. A few couches were set up, and the walls were lined with paintings depicting some kind of abstract scene made out of various shapes in various colors. Olivia didn’t really understand abstract art, never had, but to each their own. There was one of those obnoxious green library lamps placed on the front desk, and a sign set up saying “Assistant for hire “. It looked cozy and quirky and homey and geeky all in one.

 “ Hey, sorry it took so long. Can I help you ? “ a voice pulled her out of her daydream. Sweater vest guy.

 “ Oh uh — maybe. I’m looking for Jess. “ Olivia replied, walking up the the desk.

 Sweater vest guy narrowed his eyes at her for a second before his face changed into an expression she couldn’t quite put her finger on. It looked an awful lot like pitty.

 “ Are you the girl from last weekend ? I’m sorry but I think you shouldn’t be here. Look, I’m sure you’re a sweet girl and one day you’re gonna fight a great guy. I just don’t think that’s gonna be Jess. He’s ...  just not there yet. You should go. I don’t want you to get your heart broken. “

 “ Wait … Jess is a guy ?”

 Silence. For a hint of a moment the two kept staring at each other mirroring a look of utter confusion, only the mumford & sons song playing softly over the speakers in the corner of the shop providing any sound.

 “ Yeaaah ?! So I take it, you’re not the girl from last weekend ? “ Sweater vest guy spoke up after a while.

 “ No. I’m not. I’m Olivia and I need to give something back. I think Jess could help me return it. “

 Sweater vest guy nodded and held out his hand to her. “ Okay, great. Hi I’m Matthew. Sorry you had to hear the ‘It’s not you it’s him’ speech it’s a — it’s a guy thing. Anyway, Jess has gotta be somewhere around here, probably in his office. Let me go get him. “

 “ Thank you “. Olivia returned, still a bit confused by the entire situation.

 As he hurried towards the back of the store, Sweater guy Matthew turned back around. “ You sure you’re not the girl from last weekend ? Sure you haven’t slept with Jess before ? “

 “ Positive. “

 “ Okay,cool. Just making sure. “

 Just a few moments after Matthew disappeared behind a dark wooden door with a frosted window in the middle, the sound of footsteps coming back towards her, caught Olivia’s attention.

 “There he is “ Matthew exclaimed nodding towards the person to his right and slumping back into his office chair behind the desk .

 Her eyes moved towards the other person in the room who was curiously looking back at her. His hair fell messily around his face and there was a hint of utter confusion found in his eyes. The suit and tie were gone and exchanged for a pair of dark jeans and a simple gray t-shirt. Though he looked way less dapper and out of place than he did the night before, there was no doubt in her mind, that this was the guy from the bus.

 “ Hey. You’re not the girl from last weekend “ Jess spoke up, raising an eyebrow in question.

 “ I told him I wasn’t !“ Olivia replied, turning back towards Matthew for a moment “ I told you I wasn’t !”

 “ Sorry. “ He answered absentmindedly, nose already stuck in a mountain of paperwork

 “ So if you’re not the girl from last weekend, who are you. “

 “ My name’s Olivia Clarke. We were on the same bus last night and I found something that I thought you might wanna get back. “

 Fumbling around in her old rucksack for a moment, Olivia finally pulled out the notebook and handed it back to it’s rightful owner.

 Jess eyes fell onto the book and, as his hands took a hold of it, looked it over as if to make sure it was still in one piece.

 “ Don’t be so suspicious. I didn’t do anything with it. It’s still in the same condition as it was when you’ve been scribbling up a storm last night on the bus. “

 His eyes snapped up from the book and straight towards her. “ Did you read it ? “

 “ No. I just opened it to find a name or address to return it. Clearly it worked. You’re welcome by the way.  “

 “ Sorry.” he replied, eyes softening a little “ Thank you. For — you know — taking it with you. Bringing it back. “

 “ Sure thing. Seemed important to you. “

 “ It is. “

 “ Cool.”

 “ Yeah. “

 Silence.

 The awkward tension grew thick and unbearable as the two stood facing each other, neither really knowing what to say.

 Olivia was never really any good at social situations likes this. She could be the life of the party if surrounded by people she felt comfortable with, people she knew, but whenever she was faced with new people she turned back into the insecure awkward girl she always tried so hard to leave behind.

 “ Jesus Christ, could you guys be anymore awkward. I’m feeling uncomfortable just being in a room with you two. “ Matthew spoke up from behind the paper mountain. “ Offer the girl some coffee or something. “

 “ Our coffee machine is broken. There’s no coffee here. “ Jess responded. “ All that we have is half a pizza, the last can of beer from the poetry reading with that weird frat guy you hired last week, a donut from this morning missing two bites aaaand a lemon cough drop. “

 “ Offer her the cough drop “ Matthew called out, the paper stack of paper and folders now growing so high, his face was hidden from Jess and Olivia.

 “ You want the cough drop ? “ Jess inquired, raising his eyebrow in question.

 “ Uh — no thanks. Are you okay over there ? “ Olivia called out towards the man, in imminent danger of being buried alive beneath a tidal wave of tax reports, receipts and invoices.

 “ I’m fine. This is a creative work environment. “ a voice called back.

 “ You sure ? “

 “ I’m positive. Jess, tell her I got this. I’m good. “

 Looking back at him, Olivia was met by Jess shaking his head. “ He’s not good. He hasn’t got this. “

 “ I can hear you, you know ?! “

 “ And I’ve been telling you that we need to hire a secretary. An assistant. Anyone. “

 Olivia perked up at Jess’ words. “ You’re looking for someone to help with the paperwork ? “

 “ Yeah. You looking for a job ? “  

 “ Not directly but I’ve got some business here and I don’t wanna live in a motel forever so a job and a stable income wouldn’t be that bad. Also I’ve got quite a bit experience with paperwork. Did my dad’s paperwork for years.”

 “ Are you any good ? “ Matthew called out to Olivia, completely blocked off by a wall of paper.

 “ I’m pretty good. I did our tax return for the first time when I was like 13. All by myself too. If there’s something I’m good at it’s sorting out paperwork. Which, to be fair, is not the coolest talent but it comes in handy every once in awhile. “

 “ Alright then, work your magic “ Olivia heard Matthew speak up just seconds before he abandoned his place behind the desk and walked towards the door.

 “ Wait. You mean now ? “

 “ Uh-huh. You said you were good, here’s your chance. I’m gonna get coffee. See you guys later.” Matthew replied before stepping out of the store and onto the streets leaving Olivia and Jess by themselves.

 “ I — alright. I guess I’ll start ? “ Olivia asked, raising an eyebrow at Jess.

 “ Sure. “

 “ Okay. Cool. “

 “ Mh. I’ll be in my office, if you need anything just uh — just yell. “

 “ Alright “ Olivia nodded and sat down on the big chair behind the desk that was littered with paperwork.

 Just before he closed the door to his office, Jess turned back towards her. “ Olivia ? “

 “ Hmm ? “

 “ Thanks, again. For returning the notebook. “

   “ I love you. I genuinely love you. From the bottom of my lonely little heart. “

 “ Okay, I think she got the point. “

 “ I really love you, Olivia. “

 Matthew stood before the desk, a cupholder holding 3 steaming cups of coffee in his hand and eyes wide with childlike wonder. One would think he’d just seen Olivia work a magic spell or something when really she had just done what she had said she would, sort through the Truncheon paperwork.

 “ It wasn’t that bad really, It was just … a lot at once. You guys really need to keep up to date with your paperwork. “

 “ Yeaaaaah, I guess we do. OR , you could apply for a job as an assistant here and I could put in a good word for you with the boss. Win win situation, really. “

 Jess was watching the exchange with a smirk on his face. It had taken him a long time to find a place that really felt like home, most of his life really. For a while he’d thought that maybe that tiny quirky town in Connecticut with the Gazebo, with her, could be a home to him. Then that turned to shit and so did his attempt of finding a place with his father and he was left with nothing, again. Looking around now, at the business he helped build and at Matthew who, with his crazy antics and preference for booking eccentric poets,had become one of his best friend. And suddenly home didn’t seem so unattainable after all. This was home now and it was a good one.

 “ Who’s your boss ? “ Olivia asked, a smirk on her face.

 “ That uh — that would be me. Me and Jess. Also Chris but he’s not here right now. So it’s me and Jess you have to convince. I adore you already and Jess owes you for returning his notepad.”

 “ Notebook! “ Jess chimed in.

 “ Same thing. “ Matthew replied throwing a shushing motion in Jess’ direction. “ So what do you say ? “

 Nibbling on the corner of her lip, Olivia averted her gaze from the two man before her and looked at the ground in unease. Having an actual job would be a massive help to her. She would be able to pay for food and transportation around town and maybe if she was really lucky she’d be able to pay for a small 1 bedroom apartment to settle down for now. It was a good job too, a job she was used to at a nice place surrounded by people who seemed nice enough if a bit weird. But maybe that was the problem after all, Matthew and Jess were nice. They were nice people who didn’t deserve her just up and leaving if her life decided to throw her a curveball once again. They deserved someone they could rely on.

 “ I don’t know. I mean the offer is great and I could really need the money but — look Matthew I don’t know if and for how long I am gonna stay in Philadelphia. There’s some stuff I gotta sort out and uh — once that is done I don’t know if I’m gonna stay. I don’t think you wanna hire someone who might just have to leave one day, out of the blue. “

 Glancing up through the corner of her eye, Olivia could see the guys looking at her with looks full of confusion and uncertainty.

 “ Okay I’m just gonna go ahead and ask you this. “ Matthew exclaimed and narrowed his eyes at Olivia “ Are you a spy and or a bounty hunter and or in any way involved in any criminal activity ? “

 “ Nope “

 “ Would she admit it if she was ? “ Jess piped up from beside her, a slight hint of amusement in his voice though his face stayed serious.

 “ Just because people are criminals doesn’t mean they have no morals, Jess. Have some faith. “ Matthew replied with a scoff.

 “ Your reasoning is flawed. “  Jess remarked.

 “ Look, I know this. “ Matthew said and placed on hand on his friend’s shoulder “ but we need help. Face it Jess, we’re whack when it comes to keeping our paperwork in check. Of course if someone hadn’t broken the last assistant’s heart we wouldn’t have to have this conversation but that’s how life works. We need help and she can help. “

 “ For now !” Oliva chimed in.

 “ For now. That’s good enough. “ Matthew replied and nodded at her “ Soooo, what do you say, Jess ? “

 The man’s eye wandered from his co worker over towards Olivia and studied her for a moment. She couldn’t blame him, really. This was a weird situation to be in. All she had wanted was to return the notebook and in the matter of half an hour she found herself being offered a job. Things like that just didn’t happen, not to her at least.

 And yet here she was, and maybe for once life had decided to grant her a little bit of luck.

 “ Okay first of all, I did not break anyone’s heart. Alice was weirdly obsessed with me. I mean come on, she had a picture of me as her phone lockscreen. Not my fault I didn’t reciprocate those inappropriate feelings. As for Olivia, I guess she did do a pretty good job, huh ? “

 Both Matthew and Olivia nodded.

 “ Well, we do need some help around here so … I guess if you want the job it’s yours. “

 “ Perfect. Soooo,Olivia. You in ? “ Matthew asked, looking at Olivia with a sparkle in his eyes like a puppy waiting for a treat.

 Maybe this was just what she needed. A little stability in this adventure she had decided to embark on. Maybe this was a good sign. A step in the direction.

 And so Olivia nodded.

 Because maybe this was the start of something great.

[idontloveyoufic]

Chapter 2 - The Road Not Taken

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.”

 - The Road Not Taken (Robert Frost)

  “ Hey Darling. Sorry I couldn’t be there to say goodbye. I hope it all works out for you and you find what you’re looking for. I  love you very much. Please be safe and call me when you get there. Good luck. I love you. Dad. “

 Olivia squinted her eyes as the harsh light of her phone screen shone into her face. The buzzing of an incoming text message had woken her up from the deep slumber she’d fallen into on the way somewhere between Framingham and Hartford. Granted, falling asleep in the back of a bus in the middle of the night was neither the smartest nor the safest idea but she had just been so freakin’ tired.

 “ Hi Pops. Don’t worry about me, I’m a big girl. Thanks for being so understanding. Couldn’t do this without your support. I love you and I’ll definitely contact you as soon as I set camp in Philadelphia. Give Sean a hug from me. Talk to you soon, Liv. “

 A light smile tugged on the corner of her mouth, an effect her dad always seemed to have on her. He was just one of those people that immediately brighten your day and put you in a better mood. He had a constant smile playing on his lips and took the world with such positivity and love, there was no way to feel sad around him. Even as much as a text from him could significantly lift Olivia’s mood. That was just the kind of person her dad was and more often than not Olivia found herself wishing she could be a just a little more like him.

 The notepad she’d been scribbling on before she had fallen asleep was still resting on her lap and the pen lay next to her on the blue cushioned bus seat. As her eyes wandered around she noticed that the girl she’d started sketching earlier must’ve gotten off at some point since her seat, a little further to the front, was now occupied by a guy with dark shaggy hair who seemed way out of place. He was wearing suit pants and a crisp white shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and Olivia could even make out the tie loosely hanging around his neck. He was dressed way too fancy for a bus ride at this time of the night.

 The guy was focused on the little leather bound moleskine he had resting against his legs that he had pulled up onto the seat. His hand was continuously scribbling something and Olivia found it fascinating how he could manage to write something with the horrible lighting that bus had to offer.

 What a peculiar guy, she thought. Maybe he had just ran from his own wedding and was now writing an apology letter he’d eventually send off to what should’ve been his wife.

 There were a whole lot of “maybes” floating around Olivia’s head these days and she sincerely hoped they’d get replaced by a few certainties soon.

 As the anxiety of what was to come filled her once again, Olivia’s fingers were twitching for that last cigarette left in the front pocket of her denim jacket. It had been in there for the last 12 days and she had promised her dad she’d cut back on the nasty habit. She’d just have to stay strong. For dad.

 There were lights coming up in the distance before her and few minutes later Olivia could see the Welcome to Philadelphia sign.

 “Enjoy our past, experience our future.”

 Olivia couldn’t help but wonder what that future would hold for her.

  As she slid her notebook back into her old battered rucksack, the one  with the NOFX patch and the J.D Salinger quote on the side, the one she had bought in a city that stole her heart while holding hands with a boy that stole her first kiss, Olivia let her eyes drift around the bus.

 Except for her and the girl in the very front that had gotten on at the last stop and had been glued to her phone ever since, it was deserted. She knew at some point in the next few minutes the driver would get back on and scold her for wasting his precious time, tell her this was the last stop for the night and that he was looking forward to finally getting home to his wife and his kids.

 It wasn’t like she was regretting coming here it was just that now she had arrived it all felt so overwhelmingly real all of a sudden. She had thought about this for so long and now that she was here, that she had a realistic chance of finding what she’d been looking for, it all came crashing down on her. For the first time in a long time, Olivia felt scared of what the future might bring her way.

 She gave the front pocket of her denim jacket a last soft pat, making sure her phone was tucked away safely, and got up on her feet.

 No more stalling ! No more hesitating ! This was it.

 Slowly she moved down the bus, glancing left and right and wondering if any of the other passengers were just as scared as her to get off. As she passed his seat, Olivia thought back to the messy haired guy that looked way too fancy for a late night bus ride. He clearly had no problem getting off. Dude had his ass off of this bus in the matter of 0.2 seconds. Maybe he too, was going home to a wife and some kids. He was quite the looker, Olivia thought, wouldn’t surprise her if he had someone waiting for him at home.

 For a moment she wondered what that felt like.

 Just as she was about to walk on, her eye fell onto something on the window seat next to the one fancy pants had claimed earlier.

 His Moleskine lay abandoned on the patterned seat, clearly left behind in a rush.

 She really wanted to walk on, just ignore it. It was his problem really, for being careless. But that just wasn’t the kind of person Olivia Clarke was, her father had raised her better than this. Maybe fancy pants was still around outside somewhere, collecting his luggage or waiting for a connecting bus. Maybe she could hand it back to him right here right now, and if not she could still chose to ignore it then. It’s not like she hadn’t had enough on her plate as it was, she didn’t need to add other people’s problems to the mess that was her life. And yet she did. Because THAT was the kind of person she was. The kind who’d rather get lost in other people’s business than face her own.

 Because facing your own problems leaves you vulnerable and vulnerable was the last thing Olivia ever wanted to be. Life was just too short to be vulnerable.

 The moleskine grabbed tightly in her right hand Olivia hurried off of the bus, a chilly breeze of autumn air hitting her skin as she stepped onto the sidewalk.

 The streets were lit up by brightly colored neon lights advertising frozen yoghurt and tanning studios and 99ct corndogs and a bunch of adult entertainment, and Olivia felt completely out of place.

 She had lived in bigger cities before but this was her solo flight. This time her family wasn’t there to put her back on her feet should she end up failing. If she messed this one up, she’d have to deal with the consequences all by herself. To say she was scared would’ve been an understatement.

 Shaking herself out of the little wave of anxiety that had washed over her, Oliva scanned her surroundings for the dude in the suit.

 There was a family reuniting, hugging each other with smiles playing on their lips that took up their entire faces. The girl from the bus that had been glued to her phone, was now glued to the lips of a teenage boy who looked like he’d jumped straight out of a hot topic comercial.

 There were people kissing, hugging, collecting their luggage or hurrying over towards the other bus stop. None of these people were the one she was interested in. The one guy she had hoped to find out here, was gone.

 “Well great, “ Olivia thought “ here’s to adding another person to the list of people I gotta find. “

  Sitting on the bed of her motel room, watching a rerun of Friends and finishing a 99ct corndog, Olivia’s thoughts wandered back towards the little leather bound book she had stuffed into her backpack next to her own notebook. There was no way in hell this guy wouldn’t want this back.

 Crawling over towards the edge of the bed, she left her torso dangle over reaching out for the backpack that had been lazily dropped onto the floor as she had flung herself onto the soft bed earlier.

 Her hands grabbed the book and she slumped down back against the headboard, legs crossed and book resting on her lap.

 There was a tiny mind war raging inside her head. Olivia knew she shouldn’t be opening this. Knew she should just drop it at some lost and found office and forget about it. Knew that opening it was an absolute and blatant disregard of the guy’s privacy.

 As the little devil on her one shoulder and the angel on the other kept screaming at each other, Olivia moved the book from one hand into the other, feeling the soft leather on her skin.

 Just as she was about to put it on her bedside table and call it a night, only to let the two commence their war in the morning, a little piece of paper fell out of the moleskine.

 Turning it over in her hands, she realized that it wasn’t just a piece of paper. It was a business card.

 “ Truncheon Books Publishing House Books - Readings - Events 2114 Locust Street Philadelphia Jess Mariano “

 Maybe this was a sign, Olivia thought, that not opening the book was the right thing to do.

 And maybe, just maybe, this Jess girl could tell her where to find the guy in the suit.

 Once that was taken care of, she’d focus on her problems.

 She would.

Really.

Promise.

[idontloveyoufic]

Chapter 1 - Bluebird

"There's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I'm too tough for him, I say, stay in there, I'm not going to let anybody see you. " - Bluebird (Charles Bukowski)

There was an ice cold beer clutched in his hand, half empty already, and a lady to his right that had been trying to engage in a conversation about the weather for the last 15 minutes. None of that really mattered, none of that he really acknowledged.

There was only her. Her dancing and laughing and singing along to the cheesy pop songs he knew she’d never admit to liking but secretly sang along to at home when she thought no one was watching. Her and the way her hair that had been perfectly pinned back earlier was now slowly coming undone, strands framing her perfect face that had changed so much and yet so little in all this time. Her and her all consuming, breathtaking, heart shattering beauty. Her and all the memories of all the feelings that had ever been there and would always be there. God, he was so screwed. This was the “I love you” all over again, the Yale visit, the open house. He had honestly thought he had left this part of his past behind. That he was over her. He had tried over and over and it never ended with a happily ever after for him, not with her. Maybe they just weren’t meant to be. He had really thought he’d learned his lesson and yet here he was staring at her and wondering if he’d ever completely get over her or if he might be doomed to forever be in love with Rory Gilmore. “ You know if you keep staring at her any longer it’s gonna change from kinda cute to downright creepy, right ?! ” he heard his younger cousin’s voice speak up as she plopped down in the seat to his right, the weather lady had apparently gotten the hint that he was not interested in a conversation with her and had wandered off at some point. “ What do you know ? Aren’t you busy being edgy, smoking, finding yourself ? “ he replied and gave April little smirk and a friendly shove with his shoulder. She was a peculiar one his cousin, had been since the first time he’d met her but she’d done a lot of growing up over the years and had turned from a strange kid into quite the smart and witty adult, pseudo hippy phase and all. “ Haha, aren’t you funny, Jess. Seriously though, what’s up with the longing looks ? “ “ Ah you know, just figuring out that I’m still in love with the girl I dated when I was in high school. The girl that made me change into the person I am today. The girl that is the sole reason I became a better person. “ Is what he thought but there was no way in hell Jess would ever talk about his feelings. Ever. “ Don’t know what you’re talking about. “ “ Sure you don’t. Just sayin’ you could go over there and actually talk to her instead of glaring a hole through her head.” That he could do, but what would he say ? “Hey Rory, sorry to interrupt but I just realized that part of me is still madly in love with you. “ ? “ Oh hi there Rory, been watching you all night wondering if we ever stood a chance, wondering if we still might stand one. Wondering if this could ever be us, getting married and all that. “ ? Those were the things that were ghosting through his head but he’d be damned if he ever told those to anyone, especially Rory. He’d tried that before, multiple times, and look how that turned out. To be fair one of those times he ran off, but that was only that one time. No, there really wasn’t anything he could tell her that would change anything about this situation. She had enough on her plate as it was, she was writing a book for god's sake and if anyone knew how stressful and chaotic that time is, it was Jess. The last thing she’d need was him bringing up old feelings and confusion. “ There’s nothing to talk about. “ “ Okay, James Dean. I know that whole repressing your emotions deal runs in the family and works well with the grumpy mysterious guy image you’re trying to maintain but that needs to stop. You’re clearly still into this girl and I’m not gonna sit here and watch you throw away what might be your last shot at your epic love story. “ “ Oh Jesus when did you start getting so corny. Does Lorelei make you watch 80s romcoms when you’re over at their place ? Does Luke know she’s doing this to you ? “ “ Jess, I’m serious. Sometimes you gotta fight for the things you want. “ For the first time in a while Jess left his gaze drift from Rory and turned towards his cousin. “ I’m 33 years old, April. I’m done fighting over girls, fighting for girls. Things either work out or they don’t and they obviously didn’t for me and her. “ “ But what if you’re her Luke ? “ “ What if I’m not ? What if I don’t want to be ? I don’t want her to settle for me after years and years of trying. I want to be a conscious decision. For once in my life I want someone to chose me. Not because of a feeling of guilt or nostalgia or comfort or because they feel like they owe me or because they feel responsible. I’m done with this. I can’t do it all over again. “ A silence settled upon them as neither of them really knew where those words had suddenly come from. If there was one thing you didn’t except from Jess Mariano it was as sudden outburst of honest emotions. “ Okay. “ “ Okay ? “ “ Okay, I get it. I didn’t mean to push you to do something you don’t want to do. I just wanted to help. I want you to be happy. “ “ I am happy. “ “ Are you ? “ Was he ? Yeah. Sure. Truncheon was going well, he liked his job, liked his coworkers, his friends. He had his own little apartment & his own car. He was in the process of coming up with ideas for a second book. He wasn’t particularly phased by the fact that he’d been single for a while now either. Whenever he felt like it Jess had no problem sweet talking a girl at a bar. Girls, he had found out a while ago, were totally into the broody writer persona. Was he truly happy though ? He didn’t know. “ Yeah. “ “ Okay. “ “ Look, April. You know I’m not big on the whole family reunion stuff, especially here in Stars Hollow where half the population still holds a grudge against me. I came for Luke but he and Lorelei ran off a while ago so there’s really no harm in me leaving too, right ? “ It was the truth, Jess wasn’t particularly thrilled about returning to the Connecticut town he’d spend some time in as a teenager, but there was no way in hell he could’ve said no to Luke. The man had done more for him than anyone in his entire life, his mom included. He’d been one of the few who’d believed in him when even Jess himself had almost lost hope that he’d ever amount to something. He owed Luke so much and showing up to his wedding was the least he could do. “ You’ve been drinking. “ “ Last bus is leaving in 20 minutes. “ “ To Philly ? That’s a long ass drive, Jess. Are you sure you don’t wanna crash at the apartment above Luke’s and leave tomorrow ? “ “ I got a book with me, it’ll be fine. No offense April, but if I don’t leave now I’m just getting sucked back into things that I should’ve left behind a long time ago.” “ What about your car ? “ “ I was thinking, maybe my favorite cousin would like to come visit me in Philadelphia before she goes back home, and maybe she could bring my car with her? “ April stared at him for a moment and Jess could see the gears turning in her head, trying to come up with an idea to get him to stay. His mind was made up though, if he’d stay he’d have to get drunk and if there was one place Jess Mariano didn’t want be drunk at, it was the town center of Stars Hollow with his ex girlfriend in close proximity. “ Alright “ April said and let out a defeated sigh “ Be careful and don’t talk to any sleazy looking guys. “ “ Yeah okay, mom. “ Jess replied and took a last sip on his now empty bottle of beer. As he got up off the chair, Jess’ glance wandered back over to Rory. He could go after her, fight for her, show her the man he was today and how this was all for her. He could. But he didn’t. Because he was scared ? Maybe. But also because he was just tired. Tired of running after the same girl over and over again. Always failing. “ Just so you know, I don’t think you’re doing the right thing. Just running from your emotions. “ April spoke up. “ Well cousin, I don’t think you’re doing the right thing getting your nose pierced and acting like a pothead when they could probably sell you oregano without you noticing. Yet here I am, accepting your decisions. “ “ You’re an ass. “ April responded as a small smirk tugged at the corners of her lips. “ That’s family. Thought you’d be used to that by now. Seriously though, don’t worry about me kid. “ “ That’s family, Jess. We always worry. Thought you’d be used to that by now “ She replied with a smile before walking away, back into the sea of Stars Hollow residents that were singing and dancing to some obscure 90s popsong. This family, his family, was quite honestly a mess. It was a family though, something he hadn’t had for the longest time. And no matter how strange or broken over overly intrusive or annoying they were, they meant the world to him. Because they were his people and to them, to Luke and April he was a conscious decision. It was their decision to care and to worry and Sometimes you gotta admit defeat. With one last look towards Rory, the girl that changed it all, Jess turned his back towards the gazebo covered in dozens of fairy lights and the quirky town that surrounded it and took on the walk towards the bus stop. Maybe April was right and he was just running from his emotions and his crippling fear of rejection. But so what ? Sometimes you gotta let yourself be scared to save yourself from pain. Sometimes you gotta run.

So this a little introduction really. The plot will pick up in the next few chapters. Please go easy on me and if you feel like it leave me a comment on what you thought of this pseudo prologue. 

This is NOT literati 

xx Jo