Itâs that time of year again, the holidays! Time for family, presents, and cheer! So candy those yams, stuff the turkey, pass the pumpkin pie, andâŠ..panic?
OkâŠitâs fine, this is fineâŠIâll justâŠtell them Iâm not hungry? I feel sick? I already ate?
Year after year these are the thoughts that pass through my mind. Year after year I go into a complete state of panic for 3 months. Iâm constantly thinking of how Iâm going to survive the next family dinner or company potluck. Trying to summon excuses I can make and reasons I can skip the next event.
Am I really hoping for the flu right now? YesâŠyes I am.
ARFID doesnât take a break for the holidays, it just buckles itâs seatbelt and hits the gas.
The holidays bring family and cheer but for me they also bring a lot of sadness. Iâm sad for the person I could be if I wasnât like this. Iâm sad for the person I am, missing out on the joyous occasion.
I think about how much harder it would be if I were dating or married. Having to juggle two peoples schedule of events. Having to make up even more excuses. I think about how it seems pointless to try to date, after all, no one will understand this. And just like that I spiral into the all-consuming thoughts of being alone forever.
Yep, there it is. Just like that the life I dreamed for myself comes crashing down. Cheers.
But just as my life is crumbling before my very eyes I hear a question that snaps me back to reality.
âWhy arenât you eatingâ
âYou havenât grown out of this yet?â
âIf you grew up in my house you wouldnât be like thisâ
âYou should be grateful for what you haveâ
Heartbroken. They just donât understand, and they never will. How do you even answer those questions? They donât realize that their words will spin me into another round of sobs when Iâm alone.
So happy holidays everyone. Remember that you are so much more than the food on your plate. Other peopleâs judgements can hurtâŠthey cut deep, but they do not define you. You can do this, you can get through this âŠnow Iâm just trying to convince myselfâŠ
