Idris

Dedicated to everyone who has ever made me fragile. 21, Female, and forever trying to choose between the life raft and the anchor.

[idris-skies]

I am emotion I am shake-gasp flutter-happy sob-breath angry-clench

I am your boyfriend when you extract yourself with careful fingers he’d woven you two  together too tightly the thread breaks. 

I am the black at the funeral the masks the rain on everyone’s faces the temporary shade of the flowers

I am little girl  laugh, purer than your hands could ever hope to be  anymore.

Embrace me.  I have power over you. 

[idris-skies]

I exhale explanations from my childhood old hatred despair shaking hands sunshine disassociation literary trances I remember the screaming, the fighting, the crying a picture painted in only blues and reds a hot flush to the face cold breeze of shame it’s all scattered memories like skipping scenes through an old DVD I used to sing my stories back then I used to believe in escape I used to pray for it. 

24/05/2017

[idris-skies]

My grandmother has always loved flowers but my grandfather removes every beehive at her word She sweeps dirt off the walkway  in the garden Prunes away trees that obstruct her view of nature Lives for minimalism I remember the summer where the mint conquered the garden. I’d never known that oppression could smell as sweet.  Grandmother.  How have you lived and not yet learned  that the pond needs the geese, the grass needs the leaves,  and the trees need to be. 

21/05/2017

[idris-skies]

it’s harder when your skin doesn’t fit against mine we slide past each other  in measured breaths.  you try to grab my hand but I’m always too far away.  looking in the other direction.  or maybe just loving someone else.  maybe just not loving myself.  I don’t have a word for this in any language that I know.  il dolore dell’assenza. la mancanza dell’amore. we press our palms together but there’s  still an inch of space.  you kiss me and i feel nothing. 

09/04/17

[idris-skies]

If you lean in close enough to the mirror  you can see every bump every pore the rough stitching that keeps  your skin together the soft horizontal lines of your underbelly  the dimples along the  backs of your thighs the ripple-waves of the ones you drew yourself because you didn’t like the stitching because the marionette with too-wide eyes didn’t seem right in the reflection Do you remember?  It always means less to watch someone else’s work undone. 

07/04/17

[idris-skies]

Imagine being the type of woman that people write songs about. 

23/1/17

[idris-skies]

Twilight builds differently in the mouth of anticipation I wish I could paint the stars, the sweat cooling on our skin, your belly-laugh I don’t want to forget the shooting stars, the yelling- cars speeding  beneath us I have dirt on my skin, my feet,  in my hair The shadows love your face but I can still see your smile Happiness is us on the balcony  at night foreign language and a bottle of wine

[idris-skies]

my bones tremble  my breath shakes this is unrest this is “ i don’t belong here” i’ve dirtied my feet on streets older than my country monuments more beautiful than anything in dreams i washed my hands in the water of moving art fumbled my way around a language that i love but don’t entirely understand (every syllable is artwork) i found love (for a country) (for her people)  (for you) 

07/08/2016

[idris-skies]

you were just lights in the fog pretending to be dawn. 

[idris-skies]

I drink your love like wine from the bowl of your hips. You don’t secret it away. There’s no key to your chastity belt in a ring around your finger. But when you’re with me, everyone else’s fingerprints fade like ghosts from your skin. My name falls from your tongue like a well rehearsed prayer, but never to ask for forgiveness. You have committed no sin. There is no punishment for loving. I am not the only puzzle piece that will fit yours. You are a sunrise, and you burn brighter in love- for all who you wish to share yourself with. 

[idris-skies]

You toss and you turn and you breathe You ache and you burn and it hurts but you sleep you get lost in the sheets sweating, sick, your stomach at sea your bed is not the waves, but there’s still a rushing in your ears You’re not drowning, but every exhalation tastes of saltwater Nostrils burning It’s rolling up your throat but it’s not seaweed you taste dragged under again and again and again Who are we?  His hands are the lighthouse the rescue boat but you want to learn to swim- so you let go. 

[idris-skies]

do you know how many fires I  can start with only my mouth?  part your  lips, and I’ll keep you  warm. 

[idris-skies]

So long ago, I don't remember when That's when they say I lost my only friend Well they said she died easy of a broken heart disease As I listened through the cemetery trees

We’re in the convertible and the wind is turning my hair into a gordian knot. We all met yesterday but I swear I’ve known you all for years, ages, my whole life. 

My mouth tastes like stale smoke and I roll my dry tongue against my teeth as my head falls back to look at the stars. The wind in my ears ruins whatever half hearted focus I may have had on the conversation, instead choosing to just sing along and make my own constellations. 

And I seen the sun up ahead at the county line bridge Sayin' all there's good and nothingness is dead We'll run until she's out of breath She ran until there's nothin' left She hit the end, it's just her window ledge

The hum of the car vibrates through my chest and I feel cleansed by the wind. I can’t hear my voice but I can feel my words, see the mouth moving of the boy next to me- too rhythmic to be simply speech. 

Well it smells of cheap wine, cigarettes This place is always such a mess Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn

I love him. I think I love him. I don’t know him but I think I love him. 

We are time. I love you past present future. 

We can drive it home With one headlight

[idris-skies]

My body is

                       an unfinished sentence    

[idris-skies]

Let’s call it closure

I spent all year erasing the taste of you from my mouth, but no one else could mask you. I’ve spent years writing you out of my life, just to find you in my peripheral vision; across coffeeshops, streets, fields of grass. Here’s to a new year, where I will lose you bit by bit, the skin that you’ve touched being replaced, the person you knew disappearing. 

[idris-skies]

Just for a second I forgot where I am. I was transported into a different time, a different part of myself, and all I could smell was your cologne. How you used to hold me. How your shirt would feel against my cheek. 

There is no conclusion in the story of us. 

[book-caps]

Caitlyn Siehl, Waiting