𝓣𝓸 𝓘𝓷𝓯𝓲𝓷𝓲𝓽𝔂 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓫𝓮𝔂𝓸𝓷𝓭.
it started when…
it started when it was about to end.
I didn’t have any plans on joining an agency, or so I thought. the year of 2019 was fast approaching, and I was eager to start it. I was pumped up to know if something had changed in me because I felt it – I felt the change, yet at the same time I was too afraid to take a leap of faith. for so long I’ve asked myself if there is something with me – do I need to do something? or do I just simply take a pre-requisite to finally enjoy life, and love as it is. but everything took a big turn when I joined one certain agency that caught my attention. I mean not to be dramatic or anything but I really felt something pushed me to join aftercare, and albeit the fact that I was scared, I took a risk – a risk that will probably change my life forever. changes, they might drive you half-insane, but it’s also killing you to stay the same, so all you have to do is to believe that everything is going to work out in the end, maybe not now, but someday. and then I met you, and that was the change. you are the change.
I didn’t plan to stay, but you came along and I found a reason to. we instantly clicked, thanks to our weird and crazy senses of humour. I found a close friend in you and I didn’t want anything to change between us, not until feelings got involved and I got so confused. I wanted to stay away from you; relationships scare the shit out of me, I was afraid of commitments, I was afraid of love for it only leaves me broken in the end. but no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t. days passed by and my feelings for you just intensified. wanna know why the j-dude ghosted me? simple. I couldn’t bring myself to like him, to like him half as much as I liked you. one night he said: “I’m going to steal you away from doyoung,” to which I replied with: “you sure about that? how can you be so sure I’m going to choose you.” that night he didn’t reply, and the next morning he’s gone. I told you about it, I told you “hey, he ghosted me.” I didn’t feel sad at all, if anything I was happy. happy that I wouldn’t need to go through the pain of rejecting a person again. after all, I’m not someone who enjoys hurting people’s feelings anyway even when they enjoy hurting mine. be it consciously or unconsciously. when I told you about it, I was hoping to fish a certain emotion from you. you did, and I was happy.
I wanted to tell you how I feel, though at the same time I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. I mean it was obvious that you felt something for me, it was obvious that our feelings were mutual. but you also told me you weren’t looking for a relationship so I swallowed my feelings and kept it in. hidden somewhere only I know. I was contented with how things were between us, until I wasn’t. I wanted something more, so that one fateful night when we fought I wanted to pour everything out because I was so close to suffocating, and even though our talk didn’t turn out how I pictured it inside my head - I was glad that it happened.
our love got deeper, and not gonna lie as it went on true feelings got involved - not that true feelings weren’t involved in the first place, but you know what I mean. times when we were both so confused about everything, times when I wanted to give up on you because you kept on pushing me away even though I only wanted to be there for you but you were so headstrong about your beliefs and views, times when all I wanted to do is to get away from everything, but each time I imagine my future— you’re a part of it. it’s just impossible to picture a life without you, it’s impossible to be without you, and for the lack of better words I am more than happy to be stuck with you.
love is not a walk in the park, nor it is simple, and life does nothing but to make it harder. love is a conscious choice you make every single day. and you, you are that conscious choice that I make every single day. “don’t expect someone else will love you when you don’t even love yourself.” they say. to which I was stuck with this bullshit of a saying for such a long time. thought no one would love me because I couldn’t even bring to love myself. thought I’d be forever alone. but you, you waltz into my life and changed it. loving someone so much you sometimes forget you hate yourself for once? yes, the best feeling in the world.
do you realise how painful and difficult it is to know that someone you love doubts themselves so much? how sometimes you have no idea how to be there for them - thus you watch them crumble with your own two eyes? the pain is otherworldly, it’s something that seeps through the bones and leaves you numb if you let it get to you. it can cause self-doubt, it makes you question your own worth, and sometimes the value of their love for you. and truth be told sometimes I feel that sometimes I experience that. because if someone really loves you for who you are, you have to use that as a fuel to love yourself as well, right? but I was wrong, and you taught me that. for you taught me how to be understanding, patient, and kind. you taught me how to stop and listen carefully. you taught me how to be more open-minded about things, and you taught me how to cherish each and every day. you taught me a lot of things, and I know you do not hear this enough from me, but really, thank you. thank you for existing, and you for being you. you’re trying, and that alone is enough. you’re perfectly imperfect.
I am sorry if the world is too harsh on you, I am sorry that you spend every day waking up to a terrible nightmare, I’m sorry that people weren't kind enough on you, and I am sorry that you couldn’t bring to love yourself. but despite that, I love you. and I will always do. I don’t have any intentions to harm and hurt you. and if you get hurt with the words that I say, I’m sorry, I am only human, and I have limits. but that doesn’t mean I love you any less. because no matter what - my feelings for you won’t change. life is beautiful, especially since you are in it. you can lay all of your problems on me, you can share all of your fears and inner thoughts with me, you can cry on my shoulder and scream against it if you no longer can handle everything. do not suppress anything, for it only worsen the pain. I only am not here to share with you your happiness, I’m also here to share with you your sadness. I’ll be here through it all. you’re not alone, never will be. they may turn their backs on you, they may pull a trigger to your head, but always know that I will stay. through thick and thin. in this ever-changing world, I will be that one constant in your life. for better or for worse. I don’t have any intentions to give up on you, so please don’t give up on yourself too. you’re the strongest person I’ve ever met. just look at you now. you survived the harshness of yesterday, you’ll also survive today, and tomorrow, and every day. you are not a failure, nor a disappointment, you’re unique, you’re brave, and you’re one of a kind.
I wouldn’t trade you for anything in this world. I love you.
yours, yuki
