Im drowning again. I don't even know who I am anymore. I love Kyle beyond everything but I can't keep doing everything alone. And I said I was fine with the miscarriage but I'm not. That's another baby I wanted just gone. Everyone says I don't need another or dictate my life and tell me what to do, but FUCK! they don't know the absolute heartbreak of getting your period every month or when you don't get your period, getting constant negatives and you have to keep quiet or cry in private because your not supposed to or allowed to have feelings about it. Watching your friends and family have baby #2 or more and feeling your heart shatter over and over. Having no friends close enough to hang out with or talk to. Your neighbors fucking hate you and constantly talk about you because your house is always in trouble or has something going on. Got to take care of my grandma and give up my life because her child doesn't want to take care of her and when i tell her something she turns it around to herself and how shes the victim. Classic narcissists behavior but I can't walk away because shes my mom and I love her. And my daughter don't let up. Mommy I want to watch that. No I don't want that. Know I don't have a real remote right now. Just an app and its harder to change channels. I'm so tired of raising her on my own. It's not fair to me because her dad cant stay out of trouble. I wish I had a friend I could sit and talk to or that l could invite over and hang out with. As Britney says : "The loneliness is killing me." I hate being just a mom, just a caregiver, just a wife, not having anyone. And the only people that actually talk to me are creepy guys that just want to get a wank off, they don't even have a normal conversation without it turning into sex. Im so tired of talking about sex. I just sit here drowning in depression being over run by a 3 year old. *Sigh* there she goes. "I don't want that." So now I have to stop writing to switch videos. And wait for her to choose what she wants. THESE FUCKING ADS ARE GONNA BE MY 13TH REASON!!!!! I'm so tired of being the background friend. The person everyone runs to when they need something. Plans stuff in my face but only takes my daughter. Or say they want to hang out when Im in their face but when Im not in their face I don't exist. Im nobody to everyone. *sigh* Whatever 😔 She annoys me but I love her. When I really need love she's there. She's my best friend. She grabbed my hand and cuddled it. Always knows when Mommy needs love. I love my Krystal bug. She truly the only one who really gives a damn about me. I don't mean to get upset with her. It happens when your the only one who does everything with no real break and expected so much of you.
