Dancing in the Rain

Sasja. Queer (they/them). Child-onset paranoid type schizophrenia. Eating disorder. Past abuse/sexual trauma. Obsessive and compulsive. Personality fruck-ups. Anxiety/depression/mania/panic attacks. I am absolutely psychotic and yell about the mistreatment of people with psychosis a lot. This is a personal, mental-illness oriented blog. I am in recovery for somethings, recovered from some things, and totally down the rabbit hole with others. I'm here to support anyone who needs it. This whole blog has a trigger warning, but I try to tag everything that I possibly can think of. However, it can be extremely triggered at times, especially concerning eating disorders. If you need something tagged, please do not hesitate to ask. I'm open to talk about most anything, so feel free to ask, but do know that I might decline to answer you question, especially if it is extremely personal and you are on anon (so that I can't answer privately). I answer asks (on anon and off) and private messages. Please also note that I am over the age of 18, making me a legal adult in my nation.

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I have been waiting for her to leave all day so I can binge and purge... and now she’s cleaning the cat litter. I can’t stand this. I think I might just explode.

This disease makes me feel like I’m going to cry all the time.

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I just want all of this to stop. I can't take it anymore.

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I’m afraid to leave my room because I know that when I do a binge is going to start... let’s just get this over with already.

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I want to binge so badly and I think I’m just gonna do it. It just feels so terrible NOT to that I don’t know what to do. I want someone to save me.

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I feel sick after eating now. This is the worst. I want it to go away. I hate this disorder.

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I am so tired.

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Just purged and I feel terrible. I wish I’d never done any of this in the first place. I hate myself and I don’t know what to do with all that hate.

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This blog has over fifty followers now! Thanks for all your support! You all are awesome, amazing, beautiful souls.

[ifidanceintherain]

I’m sitting in the drive through waiting for my binge food. I could not be more sick with myself. I hate this, but I won’t stop. I can’t stop. And I’ll keep going to therapy and my dietitian but I just can’t handle myself without this, so I’ll keep going.

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I'm so ashamed.

[ifidanceintherain]

I'm sitting in the drive through waiting for my binge food. I could not be more sick with myself. I hate this, but I won't stop. I can't stop. And I'll keep going to therapy and my dietitian but I just can't handle myself without this, so I'll keep going.

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I think it says something about my perseverance that I'm still trying to have evening snack after all these hours.

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Right, lunch is a thing.

I’ll go do that now.

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I'm going out to get froyo tomorrow with one of my oldest friends! Here's to recovery, allowing me to have treats.

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I fucked up and that’s why I have to do this. It’s the next best thing.

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I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry

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I am trying so hard to be in recovery but I am paralyzed.

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I feel like I’m letting everyone down whenever I’m not losing weight.

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Even my treatment team.