Things last week didn't end well. I try to have faith that everything will be OK. Because they are every time but....
And idk how I'm expected to act normal around someone who uses the things that upset me, against me. Which is most people these days.
The two people who spoke on the day in question over a month ago???
One of them I will never forgive. The other??? Idk they didn't even ask. Neither of them did but one I will never ever forgive. They don't know how much deep down I've come to hate them. I've started to see patterns from people and it's horrific.
He really doesn't and couldn't have an idea how much psychological manipulation is going on against him behind the scenes.
People will try to convince me he's no good. They've tried to convince me it's all in my head. That this that or the other. He could never love someone again
One came from someone try to tell me how much he hung out where I work the day i wasn't working... Idk if this was to manipulate me into telling them.... But when he told them he had seen me that day, it was unmistakable their shock.
It think it was to push me down like "you're not special" or to suss out if I had in fact spoken to him.
And it's not uncommon for him to be excited and talking to people after we talk. But they didn't know I had spoken to him that day.
They don't realize I can bring this ship to a screeching halt and have almost inadvertently. The worse longest time between us was awful. And looking back on it they tried to devalue things I did and my impact on him. And they wonder why I'm uncomfortable around them? They wonder why I'm not telling them if I talk to him. One probably wonders why I laughed so hard at a joke about them. It was mean. And instead of defending them at all I laughed. Partially because there was some truth I felt to it. I had suggested the very same. But it is cruel to joke about. But it's also cruel to know someone likes someone and then talk about their ex and say things like oh they'll never love anyone else again.
They want to play both sides. These people wouldn't dare say some of the shit they say with him present.
I don't want any of this to be a competition. I don't want their job. What I want is respect 🥲I already battle unaliving myself thoughts since my one source of comfort died. My animal. And it'd be very difficult if not impossible to get a new one (they're the only animals they make me feel ok they're very important to me I love all animals but these are special) and the people who can help me, won't. At least one of them won't. The other hasn't said anything. At least nothing of value. But hasn't outright refused.
One of them acts like idk like they've been told to ease my time there but it just makes me on edge. Like I can tell you're being fake. You're not forgiven you people won't ever be. I do not forgive such blatent repeated cruelty. And it's funny? They used to do this with other shit I guess I just hadn't worked with them for a long time. And my real emotions hadn't been involved since I had held an attraction to him in the beginning.
When I had found out to my absolute shock he was still with her(I assumed by fighting they were fucking done based on what I had seen, they were according to my timeline a few months later)
They really wanted me on their "side" against him. The more I learn the more I'm like "shit I'd do that to you too if you pulled the same shit on him that you did on me"
There's 2 sides to each story. Perhaps like myself the attacks and bad things weren't things he could or would talk about. So, retaliation would seem one sided. She purposefully triggers me. What the hell did she do to him? And she's known him longer.
It's weird though for the longest time I thought she was talking him up to me. Like trying to set us up in a way? She's old enough to be his mother but I don't know. I used to roll my eyes. I buried my attraction so far down it couldn't see light anymore.
How am I supposed to act open? Relaxed. When I'm working every second and these people will use our increased familiarity against me? I'm stronger, sure but I want to keep this.... I don't want to backslide again with my spiraling.
But there's been more trust between us. I think he knows on some level in not there to hurt him on purpose.
I'm not like them to find a niche in the armour to exploit.
I would actually have to be pushed beyond lunacy. You'd have to absolutely betray me after you said you wouldn't. I might not even then. I'd be too broken.
No I listen. Sometimes I can relate. But I try to leave space for a lack of judgment on the things he finds hard to talk about. I'm not here to exploit him. I may have told someone I thought could be trusted some things because I needed guidance so bad(didn't get it, only gas lighting) but nothing since. Not him him rubbing his thumb against my fingers this makes what? 3x? Nothing. It'd be way to dangerous yo tell someone who works there. It could be misconstrued. If I had yanked my had away he'd never try it again. If I complained he'd never. But I didn't. And I put myself in that scenario more than once.
I think I freaked him out by looking behind me at him leaned up against a counter. But I was curious if he was on a call or what he was doing if anything. I was curious if he had just set himself up behind me. He had in fact. BRO STAND UP if you want to be there BE There. I was just noticing.
He could easily have me to himself alone but he doesn't. He's paranoid in all the wrong areas. People are already whispering. He's blatent. Might as well give them something to whisper about.
The reality is that when we're alone we talk about all kinds of stuff. Sometimes we stick to work, others we talk about anything. We joke. He had me holding my side this one time. Its actually worse when others are present sometimes. He's more... Idk
But idk how he expects me to be fully comfortable. I'm trying to stay open while keeping parts of myself hidden. But he HAD to let her know I had seen him. Maybe it was a flex on his part... Maybe she'd been getting in his head too. But she was shocked.
I try not to stay too long or he gets too distracted by me. I mean that legitimately. I'd love to stay but I don't want more whispers by people and I'm aware of cameras. But you know what if someone wants to complain? Let them. Fuck it I'll stay as long as I want. I didn't even know that's what he actually wanted. To talk to me.
Now there's a trust I feel. I feel more trust in him too. I don't tell him about myself too often. Idk why. I prefer to listen?
I feel ill be too much? He'll be bored? Disagree?
Yes that's part of it.
I feel we're finally headed in the right direction and it's taken a lot of effort on my part. And recognizing his attempts to make me feel comfortable.
Here's a big hallmark of him though.
He looks out for me even if he never expects me to know. He compliments me BEHIND my back. He's always looking out for me.
It's not something I fully trust but partially.
Someone on my side.
I don't see how people could view this as bad as I bring out the fair soft side in him and he brings out the good side in me. And it benefits everyone else. Why are they so. Resentful? Why do they even their own flesh and blood treat him like some god that they resent but also revere?
And fear?
He's just a man.
An ability to command a room doss not make him a god.
I appreciate different aspects but he's a man.
But I'm unsure about Monday if I'll see him. Or not. I have been crying a lot about various things including friend issues. Idk maybe I'll stay home. But maybe I'll go.
