For some reason, there was just this little voice telling me to write this morning, thus the start of this random blog.
As I entered the office, the usual routine of opening the Kerygma Family website for daily reading, checking e-mails *and the online menu for today’s selection was present, but I guess these are the moments where you can’t help but jot down your thoughts and feelings into words in hopes of achieving better cognitive results.
Reflecting on this year, I think this was my most silent one. Silent in the sense that I witnessed a lot of things, changes that just unfolded before me and I wasn’t very reactive towards anything. A lot of thinking I must say, and because of this habit of mine - analyzing situations to its very detail led to more thoughts, more questions, more reflection until I didn’t realize that I was attacking my own spirituality with my never ending human thoughts.
It was the first time after a long time that I didn’t feel holy. The theme for this year was ‘Put on the Full Armor of God’ – I think I just disregarded the fact that even though I had the armor, God was going to place me in the battlefield. Positioned behind the army, accessible for a sneak attack anytime.
Being behind that army allowed me to perceive everything that was happening however, it also allowed me to be complacent until the time came when I started questioning the purpose of my existence in the battle. Was I there out of my free will. Was I there just to protect other soldiers. (Even tho I took care of certain special soldiers in the past, some just wasn’t there – their presence was missed badly) Thus I began to doubt in my capabilities as a soldier. Sure I didn’t train as much. I wanted to be a part of the army, but I wasn’t sure if that path was for me.
I suddenly felt alone. *however at the back of my mind I was trying to analyze my current ‘loner’ situation. Its bad if you do the wrong thing because you haven’t acknowledged the existence of God – but its worse if you know He exists and have already cemented the fact of His presence in your life yet choose not to remain in that zone of blessings.
I knew that sense of peace, I knew that once I embraced Him and all His blessings I would forever be in a state of utter joy even tho the other half of me was in quicksand. But I chose not to immerse myself in anything that was so called ‘good’ – I was trying to enjoy a life that people enjoy yet not connected with God in any way. See, now that I was trying to escape my relationship with God – all the default community lines start appearing in my head like sticky notes or post its “I’ll pray for you.” “This is just a phase – you’ll get out of it” “Maybe this is a test” haha oh men, I hated it.
I hated knowing that I knew what to do but never acted upon it. I hated me being so stubborn to myself. I hated it when one of my good friends (the other half of my brain) started verbalizing those ‘God is so good/I feel so blessed’ thoughts out loud.
Honestly I kinda enjoyed basking in that moment of unfamiliarity. Never would I expect myself actually thinking about ‘what if I lie low, would anyone notice me’ ‘what if I lived a life outside community and without God but still be a good person, would it make a difference’ – however realizing the fact that many of fallen soldiers out there feel this way, was my main reason for wanting to dwell in this bubble.
It was like those scenes in the movies where you’re stranded in an island, a boat comes but you just don’t want to hop on because there were others on that island that needed you to be with them. I knew I was gonna get out of it, I knew the steps of how to get out – I just didn’t want to yet.
(the above paragraphs were written during December 14, 2011)
Its now the 18th of January and re-reading my thoughts I can finally say. I am at peace.
Loving and appreciating His surprises more than ever. Last night I had my first household of the year and God just simply spoke to me.
"Step into my fire. The radiant fire of my renewing love - a transforming love in which you will eventually be consumed by."
PraiseGod! Its good to be back :)
