Ignis's Ashtray

[WARNING!] This muse is a complete and total asshole and flamboyant hedonist, his views and actions in no way correlate to that of the creator. You got that, wise-guy? Good. now lets have some fun.

[notabadday]

Firefly Character Quotes → Hoban Washburne

[urbanxfantasy-arch]

"Oh come on, I know you better than that. The last lot of ‘harmless fun’ you had ended with several explosions. I don’t trust you, not for a second."

Her eyes could almost have rolled out of her skull at the look he gave Tina. What was it even possible for her to see in him that she was responding positively?

Well, admittedly her own opinion of the guy’s general outward appearance and behaviour was a little biased. He had set everything around her on fire. She had a right to be biased.

"Right. Well. I’m going to go back to avoiding you like the plague and let you two have your fun."

[ignissashtray-blog]

"hey!" piped ignis "Nobody died or got seriously maimed, I count that as harmless in my books"

"Tony, tony, tony... surely you must of read the contract?" Ignis mockingly mused, indicating a certain "Neener-neener" quality of tone.

[ignissashtray-blog]

After offloading a large sum of moolah via suitcase, and signing paperwork with a flourish, Ignis sauntered over to antonia.

He had his other nightly purchase hanging off his arm. she seemed way happier about this than she should be.

Ignorance is a wonderful thing.

“‘Sup tony, meet Tina-” he gestured a gloved hand at his freshly acquired female friend. Whom promptly waved daintly.

[urbanxfantasy-arch]

"Lovely to meet you, Tina" Antonia smiled warmly at the other woman, though it immediately fell away when she looked back to Ignis. Her arms remained tightly folded the entire time.

"Why, Ignis?" She asked in the most bored tone humanly possible. He’d signed the paperwork now, his money was gone. Did that mean she could break his nose without costing them anything? Ah, but she’d rist third degree burns herself. Not to mention the psychological trauma to poor Tina if the guy who’s arm she was hanging off suddenly went all ‘flame on’, and perhaps the physical trauma too.

Oh to have the capacity not to care for bystanders at a time like this.

[ignissashtray-blog]

Ignis brought forth all his skills of impersonation then and there, to manage to sound honestly offended at the inquiry.

"Tony, baby, its all for charity... see?" Pawing at his suit lapels, putting on his most regal look; he continued.

"Ain't nothin' more than harmless fun- 'less'a course..." he shot a glance at Tina so dirty it gave the black plague a run for its money- 

[urbanxfantasy-arch]

(As Ignis) ✔

✔ : My character will react to yours buying them… along with buying another of the people up for auction!

"Oh for…" 

"No." Of all the possible people who could have won that bidding war, it had to be this asshole. Antonia didn’t even care to pay attention to the other person he’d successfully bought. Right now she was distractedly wondering how likely he’d be to demand a refund if she punched him

Because it was almost certain she was going to end up doing so.

[ignissashtray-blog]

After offloading a large sum of moolah via suitcase, and signing paperwork with a flourish, Ignis sauntered over to antonia.

He had his other nightly purchase hanging off his arm. she seemed way happier about this than she should be.

Ignorance is a wonderful thing.

"'Sup tony, meet Tina-" he gestured a gloved hand at his freshly acquired female friend. Whom promptly waved daintly.

[teteoheztlin]

Lucas laughed, nodding along as he looked to the being. Others appearing at will hadn’t startled him for ages. “The fun is more my speed…”

He grinned, sitting down after a moment. “You’re right, though, playing with both sides is always better than picking one over the other.”

[ignissashtray-blog]

Ignis claimed a nearby arse-rest for himself, content to let it squeak annoyingly on the floor as he adjusted it.

"Yeah! and these days they have a much nicer word for it, and way better role models. You see that Stark fella' in that flick? brings a tear to my wick it does to see our profession represented..."

[teteoheztlin]

open

[teteoheztlin]

Luke laughed a little, watching him. “Good luck finding me…” He shrugged, thinking about the question for a moment. “The rules are there to ensure that I have a few boundaries… Being unable to kill is a good example.”

Sighing, he set his case down, looking at the other. “Send them, now, if you like. I’m rather busy… hundreds of souls to guide and several appointments in between to heal.”

[ignissashtray-blog]

"Will do hash-master, gimme a minute to hollar the boys-"

A very expensive- and fireproof -looking mobile was produced from a back pocket, then utilized. The man turned around, presumably for some form of privacy...

..which didn't last long as he then went on to speak much louder than needed down the cell.

"Yeah, sam, yeah. send a handful of sluggers down to that place I tolds ya' about last week. Yeah... Yeah... be real "Gentle". Yeah. "Special delivery" all right, bring two... Alright, ciao"

[urbanxfantasy-arch]

Antonia jumped back from the falling bottle, and bared her teeth in a snarl when it caught fire though no clear means.

After again extinguishing the patch of flame, her glare turned to the being- and that was certainly what he was, no regular human had such a skill for pyromancy- who was casually making his exit.

She couldn’t have cared less about the toilets at this point. With the charred patches of wood scattered along the counter and floor, she was going to have to call in a favour anyway to be sure of keeping her job. What difference would a few minor explosions in the bathroom make at this point?

Nor could she care about who heard her, since the smattering of customers beside her and this damnable creature had scattered with the appearance of the first fire.

And so she was free to growl “What are you?” She didn’t care about who, or even why. Just what.

[ignissashtray-blog]

Lazily checking his wristwatch a final time, he smirked, then turned around and all but leapt over the counter-

The face made of flesh and tendon just previously, incinerated violently. a gust of flames billowed outwards and above, giving it all the impression of the worlds most intense candle top.

Smirk morphed into a cheshire smile, which somehow managed to remain when turned to pure fire a moment later.

-The spontaneously-combusting creature screamed, but a few inches away from the waitresses face, leaning on the table:

"I'M ON FIRE, BABY!"

At which point the mens toilets detonated, laying waste to years of carefully collected prose and urine stains.

[ignissashtray-blog]

Protection Money || Closed Ignissashtray

[urbanxfantasy-arch]

"What the hell are you doing?" Antonia roared the instant she caught sight of the flaming alcohol that was quickly catching on the dry wood of the bar.

Reaching for the fire extinguisher beneith the counter, she advanced towards the flames, spraying the CO2 liberally until she could no longer see any evidence of even the faintest orange glow.

She paid no mind to avoiding spraying her No.1 most irritating customer. If that maniac got frostbite, it would be his own damned fault. Who the hell did something like that?

"Out! Now!"

[ignissashtray-blog]

Hocking back the shot he saved from imminent immolation, he replied;

"you missed a spot-"

Gesturing behind antonia with one hand, whilst flicking off frost from his suits wrists with the other. A bottle of something light blue fell on its own accord, somehow not splashing its contents on the fire-safety waitress.

It then promptly caught fire.

confident that her attention was not on him, but on the cheap smelling mess behind her, the man flicked a business card on the table in front of him, and then turned to leave.

"-also some jackass... not saying who... dropped cherry bombs down all the toilets in the mens room."

He checked his rather expensive looking wristwatch, doing some timing sums under his breath.

"Should be going off in about 3 minutes, if you hurry you'll be in time for the explosion!"

[ignissashtray-blog]

Protection Money || Closed Ignissashtray

[urbanxfantasy-arch]

"Not a chance. I’d like to keep my job." She stated with little humor. $100 was a fair amount of money to be sure, but it was worth maybe twenty drinks at most.

After refilling his glass, Antonia set the bottle down nearby and removed herself to the other end of the bar to clean things that didn’t need cleaning and organise things that were already organised. Occasionally, she would look up to see if the guy was any nearer to passing out.

[ignissashtray-blog]

"funny you should mention that-"

He poured a shots worth of booze from the bottle, before doing the strangest thing.

Ignis ripped a line of cotton from his shirt, stuffing it into the neck of the bottle before setting it alight and hocking it at the line of drinks in front of him.

The man appeared no less fazed for having started a raging inferno inside a privately owned building, nor any fear from his close proximity to it. If anything he was immensely calm and even looked a little like he was enjoying himself.

"-because you're gonna be outta one in an hour or so."

[ignissashtray-blog]

High School AU || Open but tagging

[urbanxfantasy-arch]

It’s a miracle her eyes don’t roll so far back as to be looking inside her skull. it’s her own fault, of course. She should have done the work earlier. She should have asked anyone except Ignis for help.

Coulda, woulda, shoulda. Too late now.

The money wasn’t a problem, she had enough of that. Nor were the math answers. Math was easy, and the answers were always the answers, so so long as they were all right (and hers always were) it was nigh on impossible to get caught cheating, or helping others cheat.

Her phone number on the other hand? “You ass.” Still, it was easy enough to name someone ‘ignore’ in your phone and refuse to answer. She copied out her math work onto a clean sheet of paper, etched her number in pencil at the top right corner, and handed it to him with the cash.

"If I don’t pass with this, I will make it my mission to destroy you."

[ignissashtray-blog]

Ignis quickly snatched the copiously inconspicuously copied coursework from its creators mits the second it was complete, somehow putting in its previous place the chemistry homework in question, with perfect rendition of antonia's handwriting.

He also palmed the cash and whisked it away for later "boosting of the economy". 

"Pleasure doin' business wid'ya! remember: Ignis gives no substitutions, exceptions or refunds!"

[ignissashtray-blog]

Protection Money || Closed Ignissashtray

[urbanxfantasy-arch]

Antonia flattened out the bill with one hand as she refilled his glass with the other. Nudging the glass towards her obnoxious patron, she ran the tester pen over the note as he drank. Assured the note was real, and noting how fast the guy drank, Antonia decided she really couldn’t be bothered standing here serving this guy drinks until he finally conked out, especially as he seemed so un-bothered by the alcohol that there was no telling when that would be.

"Would you rather I just left you the bottle? It’s probably easier."

[ignissashtray-blog]

Raise wrist, open mouth, force contents violently down throat, replace container.

Belch.

"may as well... come to that, leave me the bar!" Ignis chuckled at the highly hopeful aspect of being given free reign of the liqueurs.

[urbanxfantasy-arch]

Protection Money || Closed Ignissashtray

Antonia had opened her mouth to talk several times, only to find that this guy evidently prefered to hear the sound of his own voice far more than actual responses, and so she resolved to stay silent until he talked himself out. Which took far longer than was honestly socially acceptable.

Still, at least by the end of his rambling on he’d given her something that resembled an actual order if you squinted. In response, she gave him a glass of the strongest alcohol she was legally allowed to serve straight and hoped silently to any deity that might be listening that it would keep him quiet for a while. Or permanently. Or maybe Loki would hear her hoping and stop by to strip the guy of functional vocal chords.

A girl could dream.

"Yeah, thanks for that. That’s $5."

[ignissashtray-blog]

Ignis reached over swiftly, and in one deft movement he downed the whole glass like it was a quart o' milk on ghost-pepper-gorging day.

With a wet belch and a look of acceptable satisfaction, he slid the glass back to the waitress with a 100 dollar bill inside. A very crumpled, slightly singed 100 dollar bill, but very definitely a real 100 dollar bill.

"Keep 'em commin' sweetheart. 'til I keel over or you run out, makes no difference to me"

[urbanxfantasy-arch]

High School AU || Open but tagging

Breathe in. Hold. Sigh. Antonia blinked slowly at the senior. She should’ve known better than to ask Ignis, of all people, for help.

"And what, exactly, will it cost me?" She asked, crossing her arms and staring at the luckiest juvenile delinquent she’d ever been unfortunate enough to meet. It was honestly a miracle he hadn’t been expelled yet. Antonia wasn’t sure she wanted to know what he’d as for as payment.

"Please don’t waste my time, Ignis, I’m kind of in a hurry."

[ignissashtray-blog]

"What'll it cost ya?" Ignis parroted like a metaphorical mockingbird.

"Well toots, that entirely depends on the current supply-an'-demand of this here lil' situation we have at hand..."

He pocketed the now fully formed hand-rolled hash-stick before actually getting to the point.

"...and that looks to me like I have all the supply, and you have all the demand. So unless you feel like leaving here empty handed, you'll fork over sixteen bucks, this weeks math homework answers, and... les'see, what else... Ah, yeah!-" 

Ignis grinned like the little bastard he was, stroking an invisible goatee.

"-Your phone number. Take it or leave it doll, makes no difference to me"

[teteoheztlin]

"Why does everyone tell me that starting wars is a bad thing? They always result in so much fun…"

[ignissashtray-blog]

"Don't forget highly profitable!" Ignis chimed in, seemingly out of nowhere with a cigar in his hand.

After taking a hefty puff on the thing, he continued:

"a' course, you make more dough doing a little somethin' for both sides, off the books so to speak"

[teteoheztlin]

open

[teteoheztlin]

ignissashtray:

"There are rules I am bound to," was his only answer. He ignored the other as best he could, pausing after a moment. Everything could be bought and sold? Obviously this creature didn’t have a Master, not like his own.

"As do I, which is why I did not give you my name." He turned after a moment and shook his head. "I am under the charge of a higher power. One wrong move would have… devastating effects. I know your clients wouldn’t want that."

His grin returned, the trickster shaking his head. “Tell them to come to my office, as all my other clients do. If you have no other business, then I will take my hippie powers and fly away.”

[ignissashtray-blog]

With a childish huff that forced out a great puff of smog, the man on fire conceded a little.

"stupid-ass rules if youse askin' me, what's the point of all that power there if you got friggin' shackles weighing you down?" pleaded Ignis, trying to crowbar some personal feelings on the matter into the conversation.

"Fine then, I'll tell my "Esteemed associates" to send one of their fuckin' goons to your office. don't come cryin' to me when they treat dog shit all ova' your hemp carpet!" he exclaimed, jamming an index finger at the trickster before him.

[urbanxfantasy-arch]

High School AU || Open but tagging

Antonia glanced around the school yard for anyone she knew from class. 30 minutes left of her lunch break and her chemistry homework for next period still wasn’t finished. Not a great way to start the week.

Finally, she spotted someone who looked familiar and hurried over to them.

“Mind if I look at your chem homework? I swear if I didn’t know better I’d say I wasn’t even in the last lesson. ” She had been though. Antonia was unlikely to forget such a slow loss of an hour of her life any time soon.

[ignissashtray-blog]

"sure thing suga'tits, but it'll cost ya!" 

Ignis replied in his usual laid back manner and boston drawl, leaning over a half finished roll-up cigarette. its contents hopefully tobacco.

He somehow always managed to be to go-to guy when it came to cheating the system, even when he was just a little freshman, full of fresh ideas for corruption and inebriation. Now a senior, his capacity for sidelining the law had only exponentially grew.

[teteoheztlin]

open

[teteoheztlin]

Luke found the man both amusing and disgusting, an odd description for anything or anyone he met. He glanced at the lighter before shrugging, picking up his case of elixirs and medicines to leave.

"I do not work for mortal currency, nor for creatures like you." He barely listened to the man’s tale, finding he really didn’t care.

"As for my skills, as you call them, they cannot be bought or sold and I do not take orders from anyone.” Not anyone here. He sighed then, running a hand through his hair. The nicknames didn’t bother him, having been called worse by others.

"I suggest you give me the names of your clientele, in order for me to determine if I am allowed to help them."

[ignissashtray-blog]

Suckling the last ounce of life from the ash-tube, the man on fire flicked the burnt cotton-end away.

"Figured as much, not like you'd know what to do with the fuckin' stuff anyway. probably use it to grow dandelions or some hippie shit."

The last sentence was mumbled into his own hand, as he lit a new cigarette up. Not with the lighter though. He just cupped his hands over the end and the thing caught light. 

"Everything can be bought or sold Mr.walkin'-stick. Everythin'. its all a matter a' time an' place an' perspectives, y'see." 

The man on fire was now giving off a minor radiance of smugness, having apparently caught a man in his own phrasing.

"So wiseguy, you take orders from nobody-nohow likes you says ya do, but you gotta get godsdamned Permission to be allowed to fuckin' work your magic fingers there. What, does hocus-friggin'-pocus need paperwork these days? if its tax deductible I'd like to know thats for damn sure!"

There was a hacking smokers cough at the end of the gloating, but he hid it well.

"I am not at lib-er-tay to give their names. they know as well as the next smartass that names have power, especially in this business."