I Got A Time Machine

My adventures tripping balls through time and sometimes space.

[igotatimemachine]

Yes C, we can use the time machine to see the last Nirvana concert and go backstage. But no, you aren't getting him to sign a box of shotgun shells... It's not cool that's why! Jesus, have some class!

[igotatimemachine]

Yeah, this isn't slowed down.  For the past few days C has been determined to get high with all the scientists.  All. Of. The scientists.

He got the idea by watching all four seasons of Cosmos (there's two more coming, look out for that!) as he was smoking what he's calls "primo Jupiter rock green," that he picked up in 2734.

He's been hitting it pretty hard with a few of the greats.  Isaac Newton, Einstein, Marie Curie, of course George Washington Carver, and Don Herbert.

That last one is Mr. Wizard.  

Yes, C got high with Mr. Wizard.

Unfortunately it was one of those timing things when C got up to Neil Degrasse Tyson, and that video is the direct result of it.

NDT was actually pretty cool about it.  After this interview was filmed C and him jumped on the time machine and got more weed.  

High as freaking kites with jet packs they went back to ancient Greece to heckle a lecture by Aristotle.  Everytime Aristotle opened his mouth NDT yelled "You're wrong bitch!  iPhone!" 

Now is a good time as any to mention that 21st century guys get this thing called "iPhone Complex."  Jane-O describes it as "an incredibly strong compulsion to display mobile telephone technology, namely iPhones, to earlier hominids to either settle an argument, to disprove their philosophical claim, discredit their scientific theory, to seduce, or to shame them."

Eventually C and NDT got chased out of the lecture.  They've been gone for a few days now to watch the big bang.

In their latest transmission NDT is describing the experience as "trans... transi.... transvestite man."

[igotatimemachine]

Sometime around 2809 humanity decided to create Superman. Not a Superman, or a race of Supermen, but THE Superman. It worked out pretty good for about 20 minutes, but then he realized that he was "fuckin' Superman and too fuckin' good for you people." He was the Putin of earth for about 50 years. He then got bored and just left. Jane-O and the rest of the future believes that he started cloning himself and now there's a planet filled with Superman's that's just dicking around with the universe. Nothing ruins your childhood sense of whimsy and wonder more than time travel.

[igotatimemachine]

So How I Got A Time Machine

Hi, my name is Patrick Wells.  I'm 33 years old and I have a time machine.

How I got one is a little complicated. Someone in the future (in the year 3128 to be exact) thinks I'm some sort of rocket scientist.

Maybe not rockets because according to my friend Jane-O they're phased out in about 200 years.  

Or would that be, "will be phased out in about 200 years?"  That's the problem with time travel, past, present, and future tenses are really confusing.  

But NASA will be using some sort of ion drives in the next 200 years.  So FYI and plan accordingly.

So got the time machine because I was working at this content mill that specialized in kitten photos.  I realized that if I put in the right kind of information the future could be affected somehow.  So if time travel is possible, I could send something and a time machine could appear at a time and a place of my choosing.

So I sent something, and sure enough a time machine came and the time traveller who owned it tried to kill me because Thomas Edison wanted me dead.

I swear if you're two months late on your electric bill, Con-Ed will go to any lengths to get paid.  

But luckily another time machine was sent to save me.  That's how I met Jane-O.  She's cool.  She sort of reminds me of Spock with nicer legs and occasionally has a mental breakdown.

So me, her, and my buddy C just jump around time and see what happens.  Sometimes it's fun, sometimes it's not, and sometimes you end up in the middle of the Dolphin revolution.

That reminds me.  Scientists, please stop trying to communicate with dolphins!  They're trying to learn our weaknesses! They're going to ally with the pandas!  Your great-great-great-great grandchildren's blood will be on your hands!