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my boyfriend broke my heart and loves another woman

i cant deal. he is happy. he gets to not be with me and gets to be happy in the end. it isnt fair. H lied to me all year and makes me suffer while he gets to be happy with a girl he just met. Why does this happen/!?!? why did he do this to me?

#heleftmeforher #he loves her

#lost love #heartache #brokenheart #pacificbeach #withmylove #livingwithloss #coping #surviving

Living with such a heavy loss

As i am on day 5 of coping with the loss of my very best friend. The love of my life, my sweet sweet Joshua, I've had so many things bustling through my head. No, he’s not dead--but might as well be with the gut wrenching, ripped out heart feeling and the stabbing pains all over my body as i try to sleep each night. He was the most wonderful person. I never had a bad word to say about him. He was forever loving and giving, and special in so many ways. He was so strong, my supporter, my protector, my coffee date, my friend, my partner. I thought all these things, and i thought all these things were real. I thought everything was ok and never saw any crack in our relationship.

We were off an on two times in two years. It was always him to break us up. And it was me who mended us. He suffered ptsd, and had some inward issues that i suggested made him break up. I guess I wont know forsure...

When we were back together i thought it was always better than before. We were long distance. But we were good at it. We spoke everyday. Always reassuring each other how much we loved and cared for one another. We always made the equal effort to fly out and see one another. It was so much fun and an adventure getting to see him in different places. He lived in CA, I was in TX. I had never been to CA. He took me all over and showed me his “spots” and i saw the pacific ocean for the first time with him. It was such a special moment. I felt so close to him every day.

I didn't know in his mind he was not loving me. How could one believe a person when all they did is show you love and tell you they love you every single waking day? I cant understand this. Who would go through so much trouble to keep me believing the love was THERE, MUTUAL, REAL, yet every passing day of his life i was becoming nothing to him. Just a friend, a person he cared about but will never miss, or want to be with, or want to make memories with. I thought i was everything he wanted in a woman. I took care of him when he was sick, i tried to make his birthday and holidays as special as i could for him, i tried to make him feel loved each and every day, i wrote him letters, i sent him flowers, i bought him gifts, i cooked breakfast for him, i kissed him so dearly, wrapped my arms around him tight, held his hand so tight, scheduled dinner menus for us, met his friends, his best friends, his family, we traveled together, we loved each other. We did. I cant imagine he didnt.

Let me veer off this mopey path.

Joshua is my best friend. He will never want me again, I will never be in his life because he simply chose that i cannot be. He doesn't “feel” love for me. He has moved on so quickly.

So from the moment he told me “it wasnt there” i was baffled. To say the least. I had logs and logs of daily messages that proposed otherwise. But he said he was lying. He loved me like he loves his favorite monster beverage. But if monster were to crumble, he’d move on to redbull. Well, he already had moved onto his redbull. “Wendy”.

So as each day passes and im not asking myself what i did wrong anymore--because i know all i did was right. All i did was show him how a woman treats a man, how a woman who loves him with forever unfailing love treats a man, and thats his loss. I know in my heart no one will love him like i did. Unconditional to the core, and with every last breath of mine he was the dearest to my heart. Coping is hard. And im afraid i wont survive to revive myself.

Such a heavy loss as this, and the way it all came about through lies and deceit, and another woman, my body is rejecting to live.

It is day 5, i have not eaten since the moment he told me. I can barely drink water, i have had this bad taste in my mouth for days. And i cant move on.

I know, i know....grieving is natural but this is not. I need to “move on” right? I need to get over him and eat a burger....but no one will ever understand the amount of heavy weight i am enduring. You see, the funny this is, I forgive him. I am not angry with him. I am still in love with him. I pray for him every single day that God works in his heart to open him up to Him, to rely on him and to show him the way. I want God to show Joshua what true love is. And that no, it isn't just one single feeling, but it also encompasses that it does not envy. it isn't jealous 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres....

God created love. So God defines love. And with what the Lord has written here, I can say that these factors of love were met. We were there. We had this. I thought. Earthly love does not survive, only through all these factors of love and two survive a relationship. Love is ALL these things. Forever.

Dear God, i know its wrong to wish him to understand true love and to ask you to bring him back to me. But please could you open his heart to You, and his mind, and show him how awesome You are in all Your ways, and the plans You have for him are far greater than the plans he has for himself. Please, dear, God show him how unfailing love is what You give us every day, and show him how much I love and care for him unfailingly every single day. Lord help me to cope and gain peace from this loss. The heavy loss of my best friend. Help me focus my eyes and heart on You and not idolize Joshua. Lord help me to learn from these past 2 wonderful years with Joshua and understand the life lesson in this. Lord help us both to cling to you in troubles and find us together again. Please Dear Lord, I beg you.

#myprayer #mylove #my best friend #comeback #i love you #i forgive you #heartbroken #surviving #leanonthelord #lord hear my prayer #love #living with loss #losing you #losing myself

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