jake : hopeless romantic to a fault and has been pining over y/n for a year ever since they spent the last summer hanging out together. on the school soccer team
yena : the bassist and leader of GRLDLLZ. she intimidates most of the girls at school which is why she is still single
yeonjun : has been friends with jake forever but how he ended up befriending 2 of the gayest girls alive is a mystery to everyone. used to have a crush on yena and hasnât forgiven isa for telling her. on the dance team.
isa : miss steal yo girl. has girls lining up outside her classroom just to say hi to her. cannot keep a secret to save her life and will spill her guts unprovoked
â PREV . MASTERLIST . NEXT
â LOLA ?! : i had too much fun making these profiles lmao. we love u jun our resident straight boy!
â TAGLIST : @junityy @neos127 @tyunni @4xiaojun (send an ask to be added)
y/n : biggest beebadoobee fan in the world and happily dating beomgyu. has been friends with jake since last summer but hasnât been able to spend much time with him since school started and she started dating beomgyu.
dosie : on the school dance team. the oldest and the only sane one in the group (at least that's what she wants you to think)
keeho : just here to be a hater, be pretty and fight with dosie. a member of the school choir. competing for biggest fan of yenaâs band with dosie.
riki : used to be babysat by y/n when he was in middle school and no one letâs him live it down. biggest yngyu anti (he doesnât want anybody to be happy)
â MASTERLIST . NEXT
â LOLA ?! : new smau say yeaah!!
â TAGLIST: @junityy @neos127 @tyunni @4xiaojun (send an ask to be added)
ever since summer, jake has had a crush on y/n l/n. now, almost a year later, y/n is happily dating her boyfriend of 6 months, choi beomgyu. upset that he has missed his opportunity to be with y/n, jake makes up his mind to get over them. that is until he catches beomgyu with another girl.
PAIRING. sim jake x fem reader
GENRE. smau , high school au , friends to lovers , crack
WARNINGS. cheating (duh) , swearing , kys/kms jokes , so many gay jokes
FEATURING. beomgyu (tomorrow x together) , yena , isa (stayc) , sunghoon + riki (enhypen) , dosie (purple kiss) , keeho (p1harmony) , jo yuri , yujin + wonyoung (ive)
send an ask to be added to the taglist
â based on the song cheater by the vamps
â LOLA ?! : guess who đđ surprise! sometimes u have to disappear for a few months to come back ur best self do u get me? im starting my taglist over so send an ask ppl! profiles will be up tonight đŤđŤ
PROFILES. suicid(al) squad , pri(de mon)th , the extras
sim jake x fem!reader genre. friends to lovers, fluff cw. suggestive, borderline smut lowk lol wc. 1.8k notes. yâall i cannot write kiss scenes im so sorry
âthe water's getting colder, let me in your ocean, swimâ
The lights on the pool walls illuminated the blue water while reflecting onto Jakeâs pretty face. He swam around the pool happily, his eyes gleaming and his lips pulled into a small smile. You watched him from the edge, kicking your feet lightly in the glowing water. Jake begged you to join him earlier, but you denied, not wanting to get in with your sweatpants and t-shirt.
âItâs our last night together and youâre not gonna join me?â Jake whined, looking at you with his infamous puppy dog eyes. He knew that you were unable to resist them, so he typically used that to his advantage when he wanted something.
You, being a childhood best friend of Jakeâs, had visited him for one of Enhypenâs tour stops. You had been vacationing in LA around the same time of the concert and Jake knew that he couldnât pass on the opportunity to see you again. It had been a couple months since you two last reconnected in Korea and he had missed you more than heâd like to admit. Your soft giggles and electrifying touches often occupied his mind late at night so to experience it in person again, Jake was sure he was on cloud nine.
âI donât want my sweatpants to get all wet. Itâll be uncomfortable.â You mumbled, pretending to pick lint off the fabric so you were looking at something other than Jakeâs intense gaze. Itâs as if he wanted for you to fall even deeper in love.
âYou can take them off.â He suggested, smirking when you gasped and splashed water in his face. The idea was highly suggestive and you didnât expect such words to come from the boy. Others wouldâve assumed that Jake suggested the idea innocently, but the glint in his eye said otherwise. Knowing Jake since you both were climbing playgrounds made it easy to catch all of his tells. It was impossible for him to lie to you, and it was also hard for him to say one thing when he meant something totally different and you not catching on.
Jake knew that, which gave him the confidence he needed to finally make you his.
âIâll take off my shirt if that makes you feel better.â He spoke up, tugging on the black tank top he wore. Your eyes widened slightly at the suggestion. You hadnât seen Jake without a shirt since the two of you were splashing in the ocean waters back in Australia. Of course you hadnât thought anything of it at the time, only focused on hanging out with the boy you called your best friend.
But nowâ seeing Jake slowly pull the article of clothing off his body made your mind travel to terrible places. You tried to convince yourself that he was only your friend and that having such thoughts about him was wrong. But the way his muscles flexed due to his movements made any logic you had fly straight out the window.
âYou umâŚyou donât have to do that.â You choked out nervously, watching as Jake swam over to you, shirt long disposed of on the side of the pool.
âI just wanted to make you feel more comfortable. But if you donât want to, thatâs okay.â Jake replied, giving you a reassuring smile. You couldnât help but smile back at him, his grin infectious as always and of course he had been very thoughtful. Jake never forced you into anything, or made fun of you for not joining in on his festivities. Thatâs why you felt so drawn to him, he just seemed to care about you more than anything.
âNo, Iâll join you.â You decided, standing up from the edge of the pool. As soon as you grabbed the hem of your t-shirt, Jake turned away to give you some privacy (and hoping to hide his flushed face). You then took off your sweatpants before immediately jumping into the pool, scared that someone would see you. It was one in the morning so that wasnât very likely, but you hoped if anyone did happen to walk out that they would assume your underwear was simply a bathing suit.
You swam over to Jake, tapping him on the shoulder so he could turn around. As soon as he did, he kept his eyes on yours, knowing that you would catch him if he tried to let them wander somewhere else. Jake sucked in a breath, suddenly wishing that he hadnât suggested the idea of you joining him. He wanted to focus on your eyes, he really did, especially when you were explaining how amazing your trip had been. But the way your boobs sat so perfectly in your bra was making Jakeâs mind go haywire. He swore he couldnât focus on anything else, not catching any of the words falling from your pretty lips.
âJake, hey! Stop looking down there, you freak.â You scolded the boy, suddenly feeling self conscious under his gaze. You knew that he wasnât judging you, he would never. But his gaze looked almost hungry, and that made you feel slightly insane.
âI swear I wasnât being weird I was justâŚadmiring your bra color, is that burgundy?â He lied right through his teeth. You slapped his hand away when he reached out to touch you, laughing at the ridiculousness of his answer. If there was one thing you definitely knew about Jake, he couldnât lie for shit.
âYeah, yeah. Can we just swim now?â You asked shyly, making Jake nod with excitement. He tried his best to ignore the growing desire he felt settling in his stomach, and it worked once the two of you engaged in a splash war. It felt nice to hang out with Jake, you missed all of the quality time you would spend together back in Korea. He never failed to make you laugh with his dorky jokes and you were positive you hadnât felt so happy since you last hung out.
âIâm getting bored, we should go back in.â You commented after about an hour, observing your fingers that had shriveled up like raisins. Jake whined, pouting once more at your words.
âCâmon, just a little bit longer. I mean, how can you ever get bored with that view?â Jake asked, pointing to the gorgeous skyline in front of the hotel. You sighed and shook your head, knowing that you werenât planning to leave against his wishes. Jake just had that kind of hold on you.
âWhat more is there for us to do in here?â You asked, mentally going over all of the games you both played along with pausing to rest against the ledge and catch up with each other. Jake watched as you slowly ran your hands through the water, waiting for his answer. The boy felt awe struck for a second, observing your pretty features and body that he so desperately wanted to see twitching against him and covered with marks from his mouth.
As soon as you looked up from the water and met Jakeâs gaze, he finally felt the confidence to act on his urges. Jake moved closer and reached over grab your waist, making you shiver at the contact. You hadnât expected Jake to be so bold, but you werenât complaining.
âI can think of a few things.â Jake said in a singsong voice, watching as your eyes widened slightly and your breathing began to pick up. Your chest moved up and down rapidly, causing Jake to look down again. He held back a groan, his shorts feeling tighter and tighter as he waited for your reply.
âWhat-what if someone sees?â You stuttered, suddenly feeling very warm in Jakeâs grasp. He moved even closer to you, his nose rubbing against yours. You gulped, closing your eyes in anticipation. You hoped that Jake couldnât feel your rapid heartbeatâ but he could probably tell how nervous you were as it had been quite obvious.
âWeâre not going to get caught, I promise you. But if you donât want this, Iâll let you go. Donât be afraid to tell me what you want.â Jake said, his eye contact making you feel dizzy. You didnât say anything, running your hands through Jakeâs wet hair before pulling him into a kiss. About an hour ago you would have never been so bold, but with the dark look in Jakeâs eyes and the way his hands caressed your skin, you concluded that he felt the same way.
Jake groaned against your mouth, closing the already tight distance between your bodies. This kiss was feverish and desperate, with your hands intertwining deeper into Jakeâs hair and his gripping your body hard enough to leave a bruise. You felt your mind short-circuit, your stomach twisting as Jakeâs lips molded against yours. The moment was perfect, and his kiss felt even better than anything your imagination could conquer up.
Jake ran his tongue across your bottom lip, making you whine against his mouth and open yours to him. The kiss became sloppier as your tongues overlapped each other with urgency, and you moved your hands to lightly tug on Jakeâs hair. He let out a soft moan against your mouth before grabbing your thighs and making you wrap your legs around his waist. Your body was flush against his and it became easy to feel how aroused he was.
âJ-ake, w-wait.â You gasped out, suddenly becoming very aware of what you two were doing.
âTell me you donât want this. Tell me that you donât want me and Iâll back up right now.â Jake sighed against your mouth, his hold on you still tight. You didnât want him to leave, his warmth and pillowy lips were absolutely intoxicating. Jake seeing you at such a state was just a bit intimidating and it also meant that the two of you needed a long talk on where you stood with each other. Best friends certainly didnât makeout and grind on each other in a pool. But Jake looking at you with such desire pushed any doubts and fears you had into the back of your head.
Oh fuck it.
âPlease, donât stop.â You whispered, barely letting the boy get a word out before your lips were on his again. Jake let out a low whine, the sound traveling straight to your gut and where you needed him the most. Suddenly detaching his lips from yours and leaving a messy trail of spit, Jake began to move his head down to your neck. You let out an airy moan, your hips snapping against his in response. Jake let out a choked sound against your skin before continuing the assault on your neck and meeting his hips with yours.
âFeels good?â He asked, continuing to lick and suck on all of your weak points. He seemed so skilled at the act, his teeth nipping your neck followed by his tongue gently sweeping over the sore spot.
âYeah.â You sighed, watching as he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth when he fingers slowly slipped past the band of your underwear. You already looked incredibly fucked out which amused Jake considering he hadnât touched you yet.
âBy the way, donât hold back. I wanna hear all the pretty sounds you make.â Jake said before moving your underwear to the side. You nodded and a shaky breath left your lips, making the boy chuckle and kiss your cheek to help calm your nerves.
âGood girl.â
dts; @junityy for listening to me rant about this fic nonstop and @en-fvr for helping me with the makeout scene lol anddd @jaeyunverse who wanted a tag i love u guys
idol!sim jake x fem!reader; wc 3.0k; genres fluff, established relationship; warnings suggestive!! they make out, mentions of alcohol, v touchy a/n ib twitter shenanigans regarding jake on live but i'm a slow writer so this is late! oops
Jake is pushing it.
Heâs situated in front of the camera heâd set up, swaying around in his chair as he watches comments sprint across the screen, including a barrage of messages like Hello from the Philippines! and blink if you see this. Heâd taken to Weverse tonight, dragging you into a little studio with him the second heâd arrived at the company building, and suddenly the warning text that Jay had sent you thirty minutes ago started making a lot more sense.
Jake leans closer to the screen as you sit on a couch behind his camera, his lip becoming trapped between his teeth in concentration. You sigh, already imagining the thousands of messages flooding in, no doubt fawning over your boyfriendâs tendency to appear maddeningly kissable.
âJake, I love your lips,â he reads out, leaning back into his chair with an amused smile playing at his mouth. He lifts a hand, strong fingers coming up to rub softly at the rosy skin heâd been chewing at. âMy lips?â
You have to suppress a snort at the obvious fanservice, ignoring the irritation that starts to claw at your gut. Youâre used to thisâthe flirting, the bold advancements on the part of his fans, his reciprocation. It is his job after all, to sell the fantasy. And you know he enjoys it, finds genuine hilarity and fondness in being able to make his fanâs days. Itâs never really bothered you, because youâre secure enough in yourself and in your relationship with Jake, despite it being a secret to the public, that it doesnât keep you awake at night to know he spends his time making other girls believe they have a chance.
Besides, they might know how it feels to flirt with him, but only one person knows the smell of his bedsheets, the warmth of his skin.
Tonight, thoughâtonight, itâs getting to you, because youâve never really had to be in the room to witness any of it. Jake typically goes live when youâre not around, to spare you even though he knows it doesnât usually bother you. Clearly, him having been dropped off tipsy after his dinner with Jay changed his mind, because heâd insisted that you wait for him while he does his live. Youâre mostly trying to make sure he doesnât say anything he shouldnât.
Thereâs a lazy smile on his face, one that quirks up at the corner. His eyes fall on you, sluggishly, like theyâd been doing all night. It makes your skin prickle, but you make a motion for him to look back at the camera.Â
âWhatâve you guys been up to?â He asks, running a hand through his rich brown hair. Youâre trying to busy yourself as you wait, scrolling on your phone while he talks. But his eyes keep flickering up to you, a little glassy, and surely that must be coming off strange to the viewers. You wonder what theyâll all take to Twitter to rant about tonightâwill it be that the company should stop sending in staff to control the membersâ every word? You stifle a giggle at the thought.
Itâs not funny for long, though, because then Jake keeps talking.
âNo, Iâm not drunk,â he comments, his tongue darting out to wet his lips. He pauses. âWell. Only a little.â
You groan quietly, making wild motions above your head as if to ask him: why would you admit that? He only gives you another look, his lips twitching before he looks back at the camera.Â
âSorry, guys, Iâm a little distracted.â
âJake,â you hiss, making sure to keep your voice quiet enough that you wonât be heard over the live. Jakeâs mouth slips into a slow smile. He leans back into his chair, the lids of his eyes lowering slightly as he stares at you.
You squirm in your seat on the couch. Something in his gaze is a little dark, a little loopy. Almost like heâs imagining something his brain canât comprehend in its current state; like if he tried too hard his eyes would cross with desire and heâd probably say something he shouldnât.
You look down at your phone, trying to get his attention off of you. It works, at least for now. He continues to read comments off the screen.
âYou had steak for dinner? Me too,â he murmurs, palm pressed against his face. âOh, jajangmyeon, nice.â
It goes on like that for a couple more minutes. You think heâs finally settled down, that the little alcohol heâd drunk had finally faded away enough to render him at least slightly sane. The hour keeps ticking away, so much so that youâve even started thinking about what youâll make yourself as a snack tonight before bed, and how youâll be able to work around Jakeâs schedule tomorrow to meet up with him for lunch. That is, until:
âWhatâs distracting me?â Jake chuckles, fixing the sleeve of his brown jacket. âMmmâŚif I told you, then youâd know.â
Heâs teasing them, riling them up so theyâll spam him with a million questions from a million different girls who want to be the one he confides in. Your gaze flickers up from your phone, watching him carefully.
âNot related to the comeback,â he says, shaking his head a little too seriously. Youâre getting the sense that heâs up to something, unsettling you enough to make you put your phone away.Â
âNo, not a staff member,â he chuckles. His voice has a lilt to it, one that gives away that he thinks whatever heâs doing is funny. You stand up from the couch, because heâs started to actively ignore the concern painted on your face. You donât want to accidentally alarm the viewers, so you try subtly to gain his attention.
âWhat are you doing?â You whisper, slightly panicked. âDonât say anything stupid. Your managers are going to kill me.â
Jake finally looks up then, through his lashes. Thereâs a delightful flush to his cheeks, a playfulness in the way he casually drags his eyes up and down your body. He sucks in a little air through his teeth, his tongue playing at the inside of his cheek as he glances at the screen once more.
âYou think itâs Jungwonie? You guys are so funny.â
You tiptoe closer to his camera, not caring that your shadow is now visible on the wall behind him. Heâs going to say something.
Jake is grinning now, and then he turns back to you, letting out a long, dragging sigh.
âIâm not into sharing, so youâll just have to trust me, guys.â He cocks his head, eyes half-lidded. âMy girlfriend is hot.â
Your jaw drops.
The rest of your body moves at its own accord. One of your hands reaches over his laptop to clap over the camera, and the other hand presses frantically at some buttons on his keyboard, wasting no time in ending the live. Youâre frozen there, body tipped over his setup with your eyes practically bugging out of your skull.
All the while, Jake is leaned back in his chair, a leisurely smirk playing at his lips.
âDonât look so happy to be mine.â
Your hand falls from its position, and you stare at your boyfriend in shock.
âWhat the fuck?â
The situation is settling in fast, like a brick to the gut, and youâre already starting to spiral just thinking of the fallout. You ignore Jakeâs stupid face, pacing around the room in panic, a hand reaching up to rub against your eyes.
âWhat the fuck. What the fuck. Oh my god, the company is gonna hang both of us. I shouldâveâI shouldâve just listened to Jay when he texted me not to let you go live tonight. Jakeââ you whirl around, doubling down around the corner of Jakeâs desk, walking up to him in anger, âeveryone fucking knows now. Thereâs gonna have to be so much damage control.
Jake only stares at you for a moment, the smirk from earlier faded away. Itâs left something darker in its placeâa little more raw, a little more real. He shrugs, his eyes boring into yours.
âSo what?â
Notifications start going off on both of your phones. Jake silences his without even blinking, but you snatch yours up furiously.
âWhat do you mean so what? So this,â you grit, holding up your phone. âYou think Iâm worried about myself or something? We can take the heat from your company, but everything else? Thatâs only going to you. What the hell were you thinking?â
Silence. Jake takes the phone from your hands gently, switching the ringer off wordlessly. He puts it next to his, seemingly uninterested in any protest on your part (there comes none).Â
âI was thinking,â he starts, looking up at you from his seat, âthat Iâve been wanting to do that ever since my driver dropped me off and I walked in to see you looking like that.â He motions at your outfit, his other hand rubbing small circles into his lips.Â
âBesides.â A smile creeps onto his face, and he reaches out, tugging lightly at your hips, causing you to stumble forward a little. His head rests at your stomach level. âYouâre so cute when youâre jealous, baby.â
You blink down at him, shocked, blush spreading across your skin at a furious pace. So heâd noticed it, then, the irritation that you thought youâd hidden well. In fact, heâd been hoping for it. Thatâs probably why heâd insisted that you wait for him while he went live. Heâd really bit the dust as soon as he walked into the HYBE building.
âJake,â you warn, although thereâs no real conviction behind it. Youâve lost all the anger from earlier, replaced by something weak. âThis is bad.â
He hums distractedly, dipping his head to mouth at the fabric of your shirt. You can feel the warmth of his lips at your stomach, feel him smiling gently against you.Â
âReally bad,â he murmurs.
You breathe out slowly, your breath stuttering for no reason other than nerves. Jake looks up at you anyway, the tipsy glimmer to his eyes reflecting your own rosy face. He furrows his brows in a way that makes your heart ache, itâs so adorable.
âYou want me to stop?â
You consider it for a moment. The other members, the company, everyone is most definitely trying to get a hold of you both right now. But then youâre looking back at Jake; at the wanton look in his eyes, and you find yourself shaking your head, lowering yourself into his lap without so much as a little sigh. You know youâll both be getting a mouthful laterâbut for now, it doesnât matter.
He smiles at you dazedly, planting firm hands on your hips to keep you steady. He lifts a hand up to brush a lock of hair from your face.
âNeed you to say it,â he murmurs.Â
You lean in, the air escaping your mouths mingling between you.
âI donât want you to stop.â
Jake seals the distance between you instantly, his lips meeting yours in a feverish kiss. For a moment you feel weightlessâlike itâs just you and him, entwined in midair with nothing but an ache in your lips and sweat beading on your skin. And then heâs moving, his hands sliding down to grasp your thighs as he noses at your jaw, littering kisses down its side and along your neck. He grounds you with the weight of every press of his full lips against your burning skin, and you canât help but to tangle your fingers in the soft brown locks that sit at the nape of his neck.
âSo pretty, baby,â he mumbles against your neck, the low rumble of his voice causing goosebumps to erupt on your arms. âLucky Iâm yours.â
A giggle tumbles out of your mouth, soft and earnest, and you can feel Jakeâs teeth against your skin as he breaks into a grin.
âMine,â you singsong, leaning your head back a little as he continues to mouth down towards your collarbone. âAnd they all know that now.â
Jake snorts.Â
âAnd you always tell me it doesnât bother you when they flirt.â
He lifts his head up a little, moving to the juncture between your jaw and your neck.
âItâdoesnât.â The last part comes out through gritted teeth, because suddenly Jake is sucking a hickey into your skin, color blooming in his wake. You hiccup on a breath, your eyes glassy as he pulls away to survey his work.
âNow youâre gonna be more distracting.â
You drop your head onto his shoulder in shame, heat rushing to your cheeks as he giggles in your ear.Â
âSince when have I made such terrible decisions?â You whine against the fabric of his shirt, your voice muffled.Â
He laughs, breathy, swaying you around on his lap.
âHey, Iâll take the credit for this one.â
Your head shoots up, eyes narrowing as you smack his arm softly.
âDamn right you will. I was talking about letting you drag me into this room in the first place.â
Jake lifts his arms in surrender, a coy smile on his lips. He shrugs, and then he cocks a brow.
âWere you being serious about Jay texting you?â
You nod, fiddling absentmindedly with a button on his shirt.
âHe said, and I quote: Be careful about letting Jake go live tonight, heâs extra stupid when heâs tipsy.âÂ
Jake stares at you blankly for a second.
âThat fucker.â
You laugh, leaning in to press a kiss against Jakeâs cheek. His dramatic act crumbles instantly, a smile forming on his face.
âHe was right, though,â you say. The smell of Jakeâs cologne drifts up from his neck, your eyelids fluttering helplessly in response.
âNot as right as the angle of my arm when I shove it up hisââ
âOkay, stop talking about Jayââ you breathe, shutting your eyes, âand kiss your girlfriend.â
Jake shuts up, fast, one of his hands twitching against your thigh.
âYes to both,â he replies, the other hand coming up to rest in the hair by your ear, tugging forward gently so your lips are touching. âTop ten words ever spoken, actually.â
He captures your bottom lip with his own, soft and languid. There are a million and one ways you could react to how good he is, but you settle for just touching him, fingers brushing along his neck, rubbing in small circles as he cups your jaw. His teeth scrape lightly against your lip, and you gasp quietly, your jaw falling open just that little bit moreâpliant. He takes the chance to lick into your mouth, searing, the palm of his hand warm and strong against your cheek. The hand on your thigh crawls up your hip, slipping under your shirt just enough to rest atop the bone there, moving no further. He thumbs gently at your skin, drawing a low whine from your chest as he continues to kiss you.
Jakeâs eyebrows furrow gently, lost in the sensation of your lips slotted against his. Thereâs a moment where heâs breathing hard against your mouth, having pulled away from you enough to have you panting not barely an inch from his face. His eyes rove over every part of you he can see, down to where you sit on his lap, his thumbs pressed into the dimples of your hips. You have to resist surging forward to kiss him again, momentary embarrassment at your inability to be disconnected from his lips for more than a minute vanishing almost as fast as it came on. You canât blame yourselfâthe fans were right, after all, to point out his lips. Theyâre as soft and capable as they appear on camera, if not more.
A shy smile creeps onto Jakeâs face.
âI love you, Y/N. Whatever happens, it was worth it.â
You sigh, a lovesick giggle threatening to jump out of your mouth.
âWhat did I do to deserve you?â
âExist.â
You smile at him, your nose scrunching up as you lean in once more to give him a long, chaste kiss, his eyelashes fluttering against your cheek.
Suddenly, thereâs a bang. The door to the studio swings open, revealing a completely unimpressed Jay, his arms crossed over his chest. Jake breaks away from the kiss, and you turn a bewildered head to face the intrusion, your lips raw and glistening from earlier events.
âThought so. Could you two stop eating each other's faces for a minute so we can go deal with the consequences of your actions?â
You blink in embarrassment, trying to picture the no doubt saucy image of you perched on Jakeâs lap looking like youâd just given a vacuum a run for its money. Itâs humiliating.
âThatâs notâwe were justââ
Jay snorts, eyeing your neck with amusement.
âI can see your hickey, Y/N.â
âMy bad,â Jake chimes in, a dopey smile on his face. You cast him a sideways glare before turning around again to flash Jay a sheepish grin. He shakes his head.
âI shouldâve known youâd be no help against his evils. Youâre both equally airheaded.â
âOkay, rudeââ
âJust get over to the meeting room already,â Jay interrupts, a sort of fondness underscoring his tone. âThe internet is falling apart.â
Jake throws his head back in his chair, groaning, pulling you against his chest in the process.
âFive more minutes,â he grumbles into your hair.
âJake. The mediaâs already all over this.â
Always the voice of reason, Jay is.
âFine. One more kiss.â
âSim Jaeyun,â Sunghoonâs voice screeches from the hallway outside the studio, followed by the loud stomping of his feet. You suspect heâs running.
Jakeâs head launches up at a comical speed, you and Jay both laughing at the mildly fearful expression on his face.
âHeâs coming,â you call, sliding off his lap onto slightly wobbly legs, reaching out a hand to your boyfriend. He takes it, grumbling.
âCan we just say I was talking about Layla or something?â
âYou called me hot.â
âOh, right,â Jake says, taking your hand softly as he starts for the door. âDefinitely not Layla.â
tags! @junityy @hittoki @neos127 @iuwon @tyunni + ty to @/junityy and @4xiaojun for helping me when i was stuck ily guys đ
PART I OF FOR YOU IN FULL BLOOM: THE HANAHAKI COLLECTION
âż SYNOPSIS â It was ironic, really, how you had a love and hate relationship with flowers. Growing up as a floristâs daughter, your love and admiration for the language of flowers flourished at a young age. Your thoughts, however, changed when you were diagnosed with the sickness that killed with one of the things you loved the most.
You werenât sure what hurt more, though - the hammering agony your heart experienced every single time Mark looked at her so lovingly or the excruciating pain your lungs suffered through whenever you remembered your best friend loved her and not you.
âż PAIRING â female!reader x best friend!mark lee
âż GENRE â high school!au, friends to lovers!au, flower shop!au, slow burn, teen romance, fluff, angst, comedy
âż WARNINGS â cursing, mentions of character death, hanahaki disease, vomiting, fainting, mentions of blood, hospital scenes, mentions of surgeryÂ
âż WORD COUNTÂ â17k+
âż listen to the PLAYLIST here!
âż DISCLAIMER â This is work of fiction. I do not own the people/characters and concepts I have written about. You cannot translate or copy my work.
âż AUTHORâS NOTE â Here it is, my sweets: my new prized possession! I wrote this in a week, can you believe it? I honestly canât but I had such a vivid picture painted in my mind, I couldnât stop. A big thank you to @ppangjaeâ for bouncing ideas with me! Another thank you to Kira for reading and giving me feedback after I sent her every fucking scene â you are a lifesaver. And to Carol, my dear sweet cuzzo, this is for you~ *shoots b-ball and misses terribly*
I need to give credit to where credit is due so here we go; I was heavily inspired by a number of prompts found here! I feel like listening to the playlist will help set the mood as well, the link is listed above!!
Please, please, please let me know what you think of this! Itâs my new baby and I would ⨠L O V E â¨feedback! Comment below, slide into my DMs, leave me an ask! I love talking to yâall đ
I have a question,Â
It might seem strange â
How are your lungs?
Are they in pain?
âCause mine are aching,
Think I know why,
I kinda like it though,
You wanna try?
CHARACTERS: lee donghyuck | nct haechan & female reader
WORD COUNT: 15.6k
WARNINGS: mentions of sex, swearing
GENRE: angst, fluff, what's wrong with secretary kim-inspired story
TAGLIST: @matchahyuck @ohmyhuenings
AUTHOR'S NOTE: thank you for reading this. i had fun writing it :) please let me know what you think about this fic!
Lee Donghyuck remains planted on the expensive swivel chair, blinking at the envelope sitting quietly on top of his desk.
The envelope screams RESIGNATION LETTER in bold print, but itâs got to be a joke, Donghyuckâs sure. Thereâs only one person directly reporting to him despite being the Vice-President of Client Solutions, and that is you. Anyone who wants to resign would have to address their letters to their superiors, who would need Donghyuckâs approval, which would never even land on his desk because you take care of those things for him. It would be quite impossible for anything to reach Donghyuck without it going through you.
And itâs you, for Godâs sake. You would never quit on Lee Donghyuck. Not in a million years. Not in this lifetime, unfortunately.
Hence, Lee Donghyuck ignores the plain, white envelope; he reckons you would take care of it later for him. Somebody must have mistakenly placed it in his office, that no one can easily access apart from you, and itâs not like Donghyuck is scared of the thought of losing you. Anyway, if it were you, then he could just say no.
Donghyuck scoffs at the thought of your audacity leaving him after seven long years of working together, dropping a stack of files on top of the stupid letter, and makes a mental note to tell this joke to Jeno later when he joins him for dinner.
He pulls himself closer to his desk, turning away from the stack of files, and brings his focus back to his computer. His e-mails are all taken care of as usualâbecause all e-mails to Vice-President Lee must be addressed to both Lee Donghyuck himself and his secretary Y/N, otherwise, consider it non-existent; the golden rule in SM Tech is that, if Y/N is not copied, then it never reached Lee Donghyuck.
His entire day has been taken care of as wellâyou are an amazing secretary; anyone would be lucky to have youâand all he really needed to do today is review the reports coming from Operations before his big presentation to a client SM Tech has been trying to win over for years. Weishen Inc. is the most sought-after partner in the entirety of South Korea right now, and everyone and their grandmothers have been trying to get a partnership with them. Itâs basically a war at this point, Donghyuck thinks, because itâs all every tech company in Seoul have been working on. And considering that Donghyuck is vying for that CEO role in the next couple of years, getting this in the bag would really help him.
Which is why it doesnât make sense to Donghyuck that itâs you who would leave a stupid resignation letter on his desk.
You have been working with Lee Donghyuck for seven years. You were an intern, Donghyuck remembers, and Donghyuck had just gotten out of college. And being the eldest grandson of the chairman of the board, it was pretty easy for Donghyuck to land a permanent job as soon as he received his diploma. Donghyuck was introduced as a client solutions program director, with an emphasis from his grandfather that he wouldnât get a special treatment and will work his way up just like everybody else, and you were introduced as his associate. Itâs safe to say that moving up towards the leadership ladder had been easy because he had you.
Resilient and intelligent, you were everything he ever wanted. Donghyuck has been in the business far longer thant he years he spent in college; heâs seen everything as a child. Hence, Donghyuck knew what he wanted when heâs given a role, and you were everything and more.
You never complained about anything at all. Lee Donghyuck wasnât easy to work with because well, he knows heâs a brat who gets everything in a golden platter and he is well aware of how demanding he can be. You worked beyond your supposed working hours to catch up on Donghyuckâs demands, and even went above the expectations by working on most of his reports because he had other priorities. You take care of his e-mails (there has never been a day in seven years that he opened Outlook with a single e-mail waiting for him) and get him meals daily because he never has the time. For fuckâs sake, you even take care of his stupid dates for him.
Over the years of working with him, you probably know Donghyuck like the back of your handâeven better than his best friend Jenoâand youâve been working hard with him to reach his goal of becoming CEO in the next couple of years. You know this because you call him daepyonim when youâre tipsy from the expensive wine he makes you drink on a particularly stressful Friday night, and you never call him daepyonim. Youâre one of the few people who calls him, well, Donghyuck. No honorifics, no boundaries.
So, Lee Donghyuck is sure you would never leave him.
âDonghyuck, I need you to approve this.â Speaking of the devil. âItâs a request to add more manpower in Operations. Iâve thought about it. Youâll probably decline thisâIâm sureâbecause you would think they wouldnât need it, but since weâre working on the new projectââ
Everything else fades when he sees you enter his office: you hair is tied in a bun like always, the sleeves of your dress shirt he remembers giving you years ago are rolled up to your forearms, the redness from your lipstick is a little smudged (most likely because you keep drinking from a sports bottle and not from a glass like a normal person). You walk closer towards his desk, a folder in your hand, and as you speak, youâre snapping your fingers in his direction. Why are you snapping? Whyâ
Oh.
âDonghyuck?â you call, and it breaks whatever trance he was in. âI know youâre tired. But itâs Thursday, okay? Letâs get through today and tomorrow, then you can go golfing with Jeno or something.â
You gently slide the folder on his desk. âHereâs the letter of request. I just need you to sign this and Iâll be on my way.â
Donghyuck signs, trusting that youâve read through the whole thing as always, and nods towards your direction. You thank him, and suddenly Donghyuck hears the white envelope buried under the stack of things he needs to read today scream for him.
âHey, Y/N,â he calls. You turn with a curious look. Donghyuck clears his throat. âSomebody came to my office and accidentally left a letter without consulting you. People in the place should already know that no paper should land on my desk unless itâs cleared from yours. Can you take care of it for me?â
âI donât remember anyone coming in today,â you trail off. âBut sure, let me take care of it. Which one?â
Donghyuck gets rid of his own folders and finds the envelope, handing it to you, and you look at him as though he just cracked the funniest joke.
Chuckling, you walk back towards his desk, and Donghyuck almost sighs in relief when your hand touches the envelope. Almost, because you push it back to him instead of taking it.
âDonghyuck,â you say with a smile. âThis is from me.â
Well. Fuck.
Of course, Lee Jeno is laughing at him.
âThis is serious, Jeno,â Donghyuck whines quietly, careful so that you wouldnât hear. He throws the cushion towards his best friend, who quickly dodges it. âI really think the person sitting on the desk outside my office is not Y/N. Didnât you notice anything weird before you came in?â
âI think that youâre going crazy, man,â Jeno answers, still laughing. âItâs the same old Y/N. She told me not to bother you too much because youâre busy, just like every time I come here. I donât think she knows what I do in this company. Doesnât she know Iâm the head of IT and Development?â
âIâm serious, man. Somebody must have abducted her and replaced her with someone as good, but Iâm sure thatâs not herââ
âDonghyuck-ssiÂ,â you call, the door slightly opened so he could only see you from your tied-up bun to the button of your nose. âIâll be having my lunch. Let me know if you need anything; Iâll come running back.â
Donghyuck nods towards your direction, and as soon as youâre gone, he turns back to Jeno as if he just witnessed the craziest thing. âSee?! That wasnât her! She never calls me with honorifics. Why did she suddenly called me Donghyuck-ssi. Who the fuck is Donghyuck-ssi?â
âYouâre literally overreacting,â Jeno comments. âShe calls you with honorifics when youâre around co-workers because she doesnât want the world thinking she doesnât respect you.â
Of course. âOh, yeah.â
âWhat happened, anyway?â Jeno asks, reaching for the gourmet burger you had ordered for them. âShe seems fine to me.â
Donghyuck sighs. âShe submitted a resignation letter.â Jeno almost chokes on his meal. âUnbelievable, right?â
âHoly shit, what have you done Lee Donghyuck?â Jeno asks soon as he recovers. Donghyuck shrugs, taking a piece of fries. âSheâs finally had enough of you!â
âWhat do you mean?â Donghyuck retorts. âThe fuck do you mean by sheâs finally had enough of me? You wish I was your boss. Iâm the best boss ever.â
Jeno laughs. Laughs out loud. And Donghyuck looks at him, exasperated.
âYouâre not that dense, arenât you?â Jeno chokes out; Donghyuck wishes he really chokes on his own laughter, stupid Jeno. âYouâre not really that oblivious, right?â
âOblivious about what, Jeno? Youâre really annoying me now.â
âOh, Lee Donghyuck,â Jeno laughs again. âI see why sheâs quitting on you.â
âWho said I would let her?â
âI bet a new Lamborghini that sheâs gone by the end of spring.â
âDonât manifest shit like that!â
âBet.â
âBet I can make her stay.â
âBet you canât.â
âFuck you.â
Donghyuck decides to cancel dinner with Jeno. Jeno is a bitch, anyway.
Youâre seated beside him; his chauffer driving the two of you home. He sits uncomfortably beside you as you mindlessly scroll through your phone, unaware of the chaos youâve created in his mine. The ride is about fifteen minutes away until you reach your apartment, which means Donghyuck has roughly fifteen minutes to get everything off his chest otherwise he wonât be getting any sleep tonight.
He reaches for the button on his side, closing the partition between the driver and the two of you. The sound alone makes you look at him, knowing that he probably has something important to say.
âWhatâs wrong?â you ask immediately as soon as the partition is closed. âDid we forget anything?â
âYouâre not serious, are you?â Donghyuck asks, looking right into your eyes, because he wants you to know that heâs serious and that heâs not playing with you. âAbout the resignation. Because Iâm not playing with you, Y/N.â
âDonghyuck,â you say in a whisper, taking both his hands and looking at him right into his eyes just like what heâs doing. Youâre the only one who never gets intimidated with the way heâs looking down at you right now. âI wouldnât joke about that kind of thing.â
âWhy?â he asks.
âDid you read the letter?â
âYes, and itâs full of bullshit.â You frown at his response. âWhat? Itâs true? Resigning for a personal reason? Y/N, I would think you can give me a better reason.â
âItâs the truth,â you say quietly. âI have no other reason. I donât plan to betray you by working in another company that pays better.â
âNo one pays better than SM Tech,â he retorts. A fact, honestly. âAnd I donât accept personal reason for resignation. Iâve never approved any resignation that says personal reason.â
âDonghyuck, I approve all resignation letters on your behalf; you havenât approved a single resignation letter yourself in the last seven years.â
âExactly,â Donghyuck spits. âI do not approve resignation letters. So, the answer is no.â
âDonghyuck, you canât decline a resignation letter.â
âWatch me.â
âItâs illegal. Thatâs against the labor lawââ
âY/N.â
âDonghyuck, will you listen?â
âItâs final. No.â
âIâll make my exit as smooth as possible; you wonât even notice. Iâve already put up a job vacancy online and tomorrow, Iâm visiting Seoul National University with Soojung from Recruitment so we can see any potentials from the graduating classes. Itâs going to beââ
âAbsolutely horrendous,â Donghyuck finishes, fishing the envelope from the inside pocket of his expensive suit. âItâs final,â he says again, before doing the devilâs work.
âDonghyuck, donât!â But itâs too late. Heâs already ripped the envelope and the letter inside in half. And another half. And another one. Until itâs all torn into small pieces.
Donghyuck smiles in triumph, as if he just won a battle, and the urge to poke his tongue out is so strong that he has to remind himself that heâs still talking to an employee. He watches you sigh as you pick up the small pieces, collecting it then placing it inside your bag. You donât say anything, and Donghyuck assumes youâve accepted defeat. Youâre not going anywhere, not in a million years, not in this lifetime. He sits back comfortably and from his peripheral view, he sees you fidgeting on your own handsâa sign that youâre upset. Well, you can be upset all you want; Donghyuck is not letting you go.
The car takes a turn into a familiar road, which means youâre two minutes away from your home. You still hadnât said a word to him. Donghyuck is confident heâs got you wrapped around his finger. Youâre not resigning. Never. Ever.
On the 25th street, right across an apartment complex, the car finally stops. You donât say goodbye to him, but you turn to Donghyuck before leaving, saying: âYou know I can print this over and over again, right?â
Which, Donghyuck hates, sounds more like a goodbye than the word itself.
Donghyuckâs known you for seven years, and when people (mostly his asshole friends who have blatantly shown interest in you) ask him what youâre like, he could say a lot of things.
The first word that comes to his mind is always kind.
When you and him were both 21, new to the company and adulthood itself, he remembers drinking with you in front of a convenience store nearby the office, right after you successfully finished your first presentation to the senior leaders. It truly deserved a celebration, that night, because it was the first time you and him had to do something big for the company. Donghyuck canât remember much about the presentation itself or whatever feedback he received from his grandfather, but he can clearly remember how drunk you two were. He remembers taking his suit off and watching you take off yours, you and him left in your white dress shirts as you alternately take shots straight from the bottle of soju.
They say that you never truly know someone unless you see them drunk. And there you were, drunk and dazed, laughing with him about nothing at all. Donghyuck recalls an old man struggling to open the door of the convenience store and how quickly you (drunkenly) got up to help him. Donghyuck watched you enter the convenience store with the old man, later coming out, a big drunken smile on your face as you bid your goodbyes with the old man.
âOh, Donghyuck,â you had said, tears already streaming down your tears. âI love him.â
âY/N, relax, you literally just met him,â was his response.
âHe was buying something for his sick wife,â you had rambled. âBut he couldnât cook to save his life so he got something from the convenience store. Have I told you he was counting his bills when he was paying? So, I paid for him and got him a few more things to take home. I love him so much.â
âYouâre cute,â he had said (drunkenly, of course, he doesnât mean it that way. Youâre his secretary, for godâs sake.)
âIâd rather be called kind,â you had answered before tipping your head back and drinking from the bottle of soju you and him are sharing. Donghyuck wasnât sure if he heard you. âI said Iâd rather be kind than cute. Or beautiful. Or whatever. Iâd rather be kind than anything.â
And Donghyuck knows this is true because like he said, he has known you for seven years now. Seven years, seven years of learning what kindness is. All because of you.
Aside from the innate kindness you have, Donghyuck thinks youâre detail-oriented. And not to be that kind of person who always talks about work, but Donghyuck reckons this is exactly why youâre his favorite person in the entire world (but no one needs to know that Donghyuck thought of you as his favorite person in the world) and he believes that this is why you and him have stayed together (at work) for seven long years, because you and him are the same when it comes to your careers.
Youâre far more hardworking than Donghyuck, that one he can admit. You work long hours in the office even when heâs fast asleep in his couch or wherever his body could reach as soon as heâs home, just so you can make him look good in the board the next day. Donghyuck canât count the number of times you saved him at work (more like saved his ass from his grandfather) and most of the time, he knows you deserve more credit than you get.
After three years of working as a director, Donghyuck was promoted as Vice-President for Client Solutions, the role heâs currently in. There was a party, Donghyuck remembers, and his grandfather invited everyone their family knew. His father had to remind him to greet each of those who will attend, as they could be potential investors and partners, and Donghyuck is great, okay? Heâs one of the best in his field, not only because heâs part of the Lee bloodline, but because he worked hard for it. Donghyuck is charming, above anything else, and compliant and created and an innate leader, but one thing he is, unfortunately, not good at is remembering people.
And bless you, you knew that. The day before the party, you studied the guest list and any potential plus ones they might bring, and the night of the party, you walked arm in arm with Donghyuck, whispering the names of each guests and telling him how important they are in the business. Donghyuck could have kissed you right there and there (only because heâs grateful), because nobody in the entire world would have done that for him. When he thinks about that night and imagines if you werenât there for him, he could have screwed up all client and investor relationships SM Tech has built over the decades. But you were there, you were always always there.
Which brings him to item number three: reliable.
Donghyuck could disappear from the face of the earth for two weeks straight and his line of business would still be running. Why, people may ask? Because he has you.
Youâre here. Youâre everywhere he wants you to be.
But right nowâitâs difficult not to hate you right now.
Right now, if Donghyuck could describe you, right now youâre a piece of shit.
Itâs been five days since the white envelope incident (as he calls it) and you have been nothing but a menace. An asshole. A literal piece of shit he wants to throw away. (Perhaps not literally.)
The first couple of days after the incident, the first thing he would see is another copy of your stupid resignation letter on his desk, and each time he would call for you, make you watch him rip it into pieces just like the last time, and you would leave his office, defeatedâonly to put the same stupid letter the next day like the asshole you are. You have threated to go straight to Human Resources, which you havenât, thank God because Donghyuck doesnât really want his grandfather to know these things, hend Donghyuck decided he would just hide from you. That way, in case Human Resources would ask why he didnât approve the resignation, he could just say he never received a letter.
Which is why, Donghyuck has decided to work from home from this day onwards. Youâve been spamming his e-mail with the soft copy of the resignation letter, which he had ignored each time, and have been trying to call him non-stop, but he learned from Jeno that he could setup a meeting with himself in Microsoft Teams and pretend to present something so that nobody could call him and at the same time make people think heâs working because his status would tell people heâs presenting an important, well, presentation.
How long will he work from home? Well, up until you get your head out of your ass and stop asking him to approve your stupid resignation letter.
But you make it so fucking difficult. Apart from being kind, detail-oriented, and reliable, Donghyuck forgot that youâre also persistent. You donât stop until you get what you want.
Which explains why thereâs a delivery man walking back and forth from his truck to the inside of his houseâbecause you decided to send three thousand copies of the resignation letter to his home. Three thousand copies of the same letter, all sealed in the same white envelope. Where do you even find the time to do this shit? He canât believe you. He really canât believe you.
He calls you as soon as the delivery person leaves his place.
âFine!â is the first thing he says (more like screams) when you answer. âYou know what? Sure, Iâll sign your stupid paper.â
âThank you,â you reply, and it angers Donghyuck even more.
âStart looking for a fucking replacement. I donât need you!â
âYouâre upset, I understand that. You donât have to be so mean about it, Donghyuck.â
âThatâs daepyonim for you,â he retorts.
âSure, daepyonim,â you bite back. âWhen can I come get my signed resignation letter, daepyonim? Iâm itching to submit it to Human Resources.â
âNow,â he answers, all flared up and angry. Youâre being a real piece of shit today. Whatâs gotten into you? âCome get it now, you ungrateful bitch.â
He hears you snicker on the other line before saying âthank you, daepyonim,â and you hang up.
Donghyuck throws his phone against the wall, and it breaks, dropping hard and in pieces down his warm, carpeted floor. He screams in frustration and pulls his hair, exhausted from whatever the fuck youâre doing. He canât believe youâre really doing this. Youâve been with him for years; you literally grew up with him in the corporate world. Heâs never heard one single complaint from you. Donghyuckâs mind runs a hundred kilometers per hour, trying to recall any memory of you expressing any intention to leave him, and it pisses him off a little that he never bothered to ask you once how youâve been holding up over the last seven years. And heâs supposed to know; Donghyuck is supposed to know not only because this is something he should know as a leader (there was a webinar about retaining your employees four years ago but he slept through half of it), but also because heâs supposed to know you.
He supposed to know you the way you know him.
And right now, it seems like heâs dealing with a fucking stranger with how far away you are to him.
The door bell rings only minutes later. He guesses youâve been waiting down the street after you sent 10 boxes full of resignation letters because it didnât take you that long to reach his place.
âYou couldâve just invited yourself in instead of wasting my energy; you know how busy I am,â is the first thing that Donghyuck comes up with.
âWeâre not at work,â you remark. âThis is your home. I canât barge in anytime I want.â
âYou barge in literally every time I oversleep and you pick me up,â he scoffs, turning to walk towards his living area with you following after him.
âWhereâs my signed resignation letter?â you ask. âIf I get it now and make it back to the office, someone from Human Resources can file it for me.â
Donghyuck rolls his eyes. âRelax. Iâll give it to you later. Come sit with me first.â
âI donât really have timeââ
Donghyuck turns and itâs a little too late for you to stop because now youâre chest to chest and Donghyuck has to hold your back to keep you from falling.
The first thing he notices up close is how dull your eyes look. Your eyes have always been bright, as far as Donghyuck could remember, and he knows this because even leaders from other lines of business have vocalized how excited your eyes always look whenever youâre at work. Heâs heard people complimenting how pretty your eyes are, and you got voted as âMost Alluring Eyes of the Nightâ at the year-end party last year.
Theyâve always been bright, full of sparks, passion, and warmth. But today, itâs all dull and empty, like a burnt-out light bulb barely hanging in there.
âWhatâs wrong?â Donghyuck asks gently, still holding you.
You clear your throat and step back, bringing the space and coldness back between you and him. âWhat do you mean?â
âTalk to me,â he offers. âWhatâs wrong? Why are you leaving?â
âLike I said in the letterââ
âDonât give me that bullshit,â he warns. âTell me why youâre leaving.â
âIâm not looking for a career advancement,â you say. âI swear. I didnât get recruited from another company.â
âTell me why youâre leaving,â Donghyuck repeats. You swallow and step back a little more, looking smaller than ever.
âPersonal reasons,â you mumble. âIâve been working in SM Tech for seven years, Donghyuck. I wasnât even supposed to stay after my internship. My original plan was to get some experience and later on try to work abroad.â
âSo, youâre not grateful that SM Tech absorbed you right after college?â
âDonât put words in my mouth,â you interrupt him. âI love SM Tech, and you know that. I owe the company literally my entire life. I wouldnât have been able to afford the life I have now even if I worked abroad. You pay me more than anyone would and youâve given me more bonuses than anyone else could get in a lifetime.â
(The car you got as a bonus wasnât really a bonus; Donghyuck wanted to give it to you as a birthday gift without being seen as an emotionally attached sap, so he made the company tell you itâs a bonus.)
âBut,â you say, sighing. âIâve given so much of myself to SM Tech that I feel like Iâve got nothing left of me.â
âWhat do you mean?â he asks. He watches you look down, your toes fiddling, a sign that youâre nervous. âWhat do you mean you got nothing left of you?â
âI donât know myself aside from being Lee Donghyuckâs secretary,â you finally say. âIâm scared that Iâll grow old not knowing what I else I can do aside from being your secretary.â
âDo you want to be promoted?â Donghyuck offers. âI can ask my grandfather toââ
You sigh, âThatâs not at all what I mean Donghyuck.â
âThen what do you want?â
âI want to get away,â you say in a small voice. âFrom SM Tech. From you. Iâll learn more about myself if I was far away from you.â
âThen take a fucking vacation!â Donghyuck breaks, face red. âUse all of your paid time offs. If you need more, Iâll have them give you more. Buy a fucking plane ticket to wherever you want to go. Book a stupid hotel room and use my card. Go wherever you want to go. Just donât leave me, damn it!â
âDonghyuck,â you whisper. âPlease let me leave. This is all I want.â
âWhere do you plan on going if you leave?â he asks.
âI plan to take a year off from work. I have enough savings to last me a year without working. Iâm not sure yet. Iâll travel, or whatever options I have.â
âI donât understand.â Donghyuck sighs, walking towards his expensive couch, sitting with his palms on his face, his elbows resting on thighs. He feels you sit beside him, your knees touching his.
âDonghyuck, Iâm turning 28 in a few months,â you slowly say, your hand on his shoulder as if touching him would make him understand what youâre trying to say. âI havenât traveled to places I want to go. Iâm grateful that you took me with you to all the business trips you had abroad, but I also want to travel. I havenât traveled for leisure.â
âWhy do you never ask?â he mumbles, words unclear because his face is still planted on his palms. âWhy canât you just request for a PTO instead of being dramatic?â
You laugh. Donghyuck finally looks at you again. âDonghyuck, youâve never approved a single PTO.â
âYou never requested.â
âI havenât requested one since 2019, because youâve declined each request from 2016 until 2019. And I canât afford to go on leave these days, especially when youâre about to become CEO,â you explain. âWhich is why I have to quit now before you become CEO.â
âWhatâs your point?â he groans, leaning back, head tilted up so that heâs looking at the ceiling instead of your empty, dull eyes.
âIâm turning 28 in a few months,â you repeat. âYou becoming CEO would mean I would get less time for myself when I barely have any right now.â
âIâll change,â Donghyuck promises. âIâll give you a full week off every month if you want. Paid off.â
You laugh. âIâm turning 28.â
Donghyuck curses. âWhy do you keep saying that? Weâre both turning 28!â
âYou donât get it, do you?â you said. Donghyuck turns his head towards you, head still resting on the couch. Thereâs a sparkle in your eyes now that youâre laughing.
âGet what?â
âOh, Donghyuck,â you say, leaning over him, your hand reaching towards his head, hand gently tapping his hair. âIâm turning 28 and I want to start dating and eventually get married. If I donât quit from you now, I donât think anyone would want to marry me when Iâm 40 or something.â
âWhy are you so being dramatic about it, quitting and all this shit youâre pulling?â he asks. âY/N, we can resolve this easilyââ
âI canât date while working for you, Donghyuck. The last time I dated someone, you literally scared them away by showing up on our date, which was not cool, by the way.â
âThen we can get married!â
Donghyuck sees the surprise on your eyes, watches you swallow as soon as you hear his proposal. He smiles, knowing he can never get you to say no.
âThink about it, baby,â he says, the endearment obviously affecting you with the way your breath hitches. âWeâre basically married now. Weâve been together seven years. You can still work at the company. If you donât want to be my secretary anymore, IâllâIâll come up with something. The only difference will be rings on our fingers and sharing the same house!â
âDonghyuck,â you try to say. âIââ
âIâm sure we can have it arranged in a few days. My auntie owns a company that organizes weddings and events. We canââ
âDonghyuck!â
Donghyuck stops when you shout, the first time, at him. âWhy?â
âI donât want to marry you,â you drop. âItâs like⌠marrying my job. Thatâs weird.â
Donghyuck laughs. You laugh, too, which is a relief for Donghyuck. Does this mean you wonât quit?
âAnd besides you have a girlfriend,â you remind him. Oh, yeah. Hyunjin.
Donghyuck snorts, ready to get his phone. âWeâre just dating because my mother said so. I can break up with her now.â
You chuckle as you stop Donghyuck from taking his phone from his pocket. âDonghyuck. No more games.â
âIâm not playing!â
âPlease,â you quietly say, hand still on his forearm, giving him a pleading squeeze. âPlease let me go. I owe you my life, and I think itâs time I live it.â
Donghyuck looks for any sign of hesitance in your eyes. Any sign of regret. Any sign of joking albeit impossible. But all he finds in your eyes is hope. Longing. And who is he to deny you from living your life?
Heâs probably going to regret this, but Donghyuck reaches over his coffee table for a pen and a copy of your resignation letter. He takes it from the envelope and places the paper on his thigh, signing it with his name, before taking a good look on it, then at you.
You smile when you see him sign it, and hold his hand longer when he hands it to you. âThank you,â you say almost in a whisper.
Donghyuck could only smile back, lip tight. You bid him goodbye and tell him youâre going back to hand it over to HR.
Donghyuck could only nod.
Donghyuck could only watch you leave.
Donghyuck could only sit in silence.
Thirty days.
Thirty days is how long youâre giving Donghyuck to accept your departure. Itâs a month from now, but it feels like itâs coming by too soon.
Itâs driving him insane, and he was right, he would regret signing it as soon as you left. Now, heâs in the conquest to have you retract the resignation before thirty days is over. Itâs Day One of Operation: Keep Y/Nâthe biggest project heâs ever had his entire career. He doesnât have a plan yet, but Donghyuck will succeed no matter what.
âJeno,â he says through the office phone. âI need you here.â
âMan, Iâm busy, what do you want?â
âI need you to help me make Y/N retract her stupid resignation,â Donghyuck answers in whisper because youâre siting literally outside of his door. âWe took the webinar about retaining employees together right?â
âWe took two hundred webinars together, Donghyuck. How would I know?â
âWe did,â Donghyuck confirms. âBut I was asleep. And you were new, so I assume you took notes. How do you retain your best employees?â
âDonghyuck, I literally cannot remember even attending such webinar,â Jeno admits. âHR does that. They have a person in charge of retaining employees who are resigning. Hand it to them, man.â
Donghyuck loosens his tie. âThey donât know Y/N like I do.â
âThen maybe youâre not trying to retain an employee,â Jeno suggests. âPerhaps youâre just trying to make Y/N stay. I donât think you need anyoneâs help.â
Donghyuck stops breathing for a second, trying to repeat what Jeno just said. Donghyuck denies it in his mind; he needs you because you work with him well. Because you and him work well together. Because he succeeds in any endeavor when youâre beside him. Heâs trying to retain you as an employee. For the CEO post. For SM Tech.
âThatâs not what I mean,â Donghyuck tries, but Jeno is already hanging up on him.
Well, Jeno is no use. Donghyuck reckons he canât call his father or mother about this because then they would know he doesnât attend all those webinars they enroll him to.
Hence, Donghyuck will ask the next best thing: Google.
Google routes him to a link to a Forbes article thatâs titled: âTop Five Tips For Retaining Employees During The Great Resignation" and he figures he can start from there.
Create connection through engagement. Implement remote/hybrid schedules. Go with a growth mindset. Beef up benefit offerings. Cultivate company culture.
Huh, Donghyuck thinks. It sounds easier than he imagined.
Donghyuck sits up straight, nodding to himself as he reads through the entire article, fueled and motivated. Heâs not going to let you go, not in a million years, not in this lifetime.
Operation: Keep Y/N commences.
Every year, SM Tech holds a sports event to encourage engagement, and Donghyuck sees this as an opportunity to complete task number 1: create connection through engagement.
Which is why he is here now, wearing something he would never be seen in on a normal day: a pair of red sweatpants and a white shirt. Jeno is sitting excitedly beside him at the gymnasium that the company rented for an entire day. Like Donghyuck, Jeno and everyone else is wearing the same outfit, half of the population wearing blue instead of red to manage the teams more efficiently.
Now there was one problem, how will Donghyuck create a connection with you if heâs never joined any of this bullshit for the past seven years?
You, however, joined each and every single one. Now that he thinks about it, why did you never bother asking him to join?
âThere she is,â Jeno whispers, pointing towards the basketball court.
Donghyuck finally sees you after a full ten minutes of looking for you since he arrived. He has 28 days, he reminds himself. 28 days until your resignation takes effect.
âWait, where are you going?â Jeno asks when Donghyuck stands, jumping from one stair to another, passing by the people sitting on the bleachers. âStupid,â he shouts loud enough for everyone to hear when Donghyuck almost trips. Donghyuck fights the urge to flip him off.
He tries not to run as soon as his feet land on the covered court, but his steps are bigger than normal, as though heâs scared he might not be fast enough to catch you. Youâre usually passionate about these things; Donghyuckâs sure you volunteered on something one way or another.
When youâre almost at reach, he slows down a little to catch his breath so that you wouldnât think he came running to see you. Donghyuck realizes this is also the first time heâs seen you with anything else apart from dress shirts, slacks or skirts, or formal wear. Youâre holding a piece of paper, reading it with a colleague, because of course, youâre playing and leading the team. You donât notice him come by, and Donghyuck thinks itâs cute, the way your eyes widen at the sight of him wearing the same outfit as everyone else.
âDonghyuck!â you exclaim. âDonghyuck-ssi.â You repeat. God, youâre cute. He never realized you were this cute until today. âYou didnât tell me youâre joining today.â
âSurprise, I guess?â Donghyuck replies. Your colleagues all bow and greet him. âIâm happy to see everyone here today. Letâs all have a good day!â
The small crowd cheers, one of them pointing out that Donghyuck is on the same team as them, another saying itâs the first time heâs seen anyone beyond director level joining an event as such. You smile proudly at Donghyuck. No one needs to know his heart does a backflip (heâs not sure how else to describe the sudden rapid beating or the drastic change in his breathing) whenever you smile proudly at him. He remembers the first time heâs seen that smile: the day of his first presentation with the board of directors. Heâs seen in more times than he could count, and among a hundred times he shows off what heâs got, most of it is because he wants to see you smile at him proudly.
So, he does one thing after another that he knows would make you proud.
âIf Red Team wins the trophy this year,â he says. âDinnerâs on me!â
Everyone wearing red sweatpants cheers. The ones wearing blue mutter about why no one from the leadership joined their team.
âLetâs all work hard today!â Donghyuck shouts one last time, and everyone starts walking away from the small crowd to go prepare for the games assigned to them.
Donghyuck is still smiling directly at you, whoâs also smiling directly at him, and his heart does that thing again when you step closer to him. âYouâre cool, Donghyuck-ssi.â
Donghyuck shrugs, licking his lips, âI am Lee Donghyuck.â
You giggle and roll your eyes. âAny games youâre interested in playing?â
Donghyuck shakes his head. âMy old injury still wonât let me.â
You nod, remembering right away. âOh, yeah. Iâll see you in the office, then?â
âIâll stay and watch,â Donghyuck confirms. âIâll be your⌠Gatorade boy.â
You laugh out loud, and Donghyuck feels everyone watching the scene unfold. He could hear women muttering at how lucky you are to have interactions like this with him.
You nod and tell him to watch out for his head because the girls will be playing volleyball and the boys, basketball. He reminds you to take care and asks you gently not to get injured. Donghyuck catches the blush on your cheeks before you turn to catch your colleagues.
Donghyuck returns to the bleachers. Jeno has moved three flights down, and is sitting on the front row as the referee blows the whistle. The game of basketball starts, and Donghyuck watches, keeping his eye on you every now and then.
Red Team wins, of course, and everyoneâs cheers is jaded when he sees you jump in excitement on the other side of the court. The host announces the next game: three-legged race, and he reckons this is the game youâre assigned to because you walk across the court with your teammates.
Jeno explains the game to him. Donghyuck nods, eyes still on you.
âThatâs Na Jaemin from Accounting,â Jeno whispers, pointing at the tall, blonde man standing in the middle of the court. âWhat a gorgeous man.â
Donghyuck rolls his eyes, checking the time. The game should start in three minutes. He watches you interact with your teammates, perhaps looking for your partner who is yet to arrive.
Donghyuck feels something he canât explain when he sees a tall man approach you, tapping you on your shoulder, and you excitedly cheering when you see the man, giving him a side hug that Donghyuck realizes youâve never given him.
âThat,â he emphasizes, like how that lady from Julliard introduced Troy Bolton in High School Musical. âIs Jung Sungchan.â
Donghyuck doesnât know everyone in SM Tech, but he would know if there was a Jung Sungchan sitting around, looking like a fucking God, hence his surprise to see someone speaking with you so casually, making you laugh as if heâs funnier than Lee Donghyuck himself. What does he do anyway? Is he a VP like Donghyuck? VP for what? VP for Having Perfect Skin? Jung fucking Sungchan. Donghyuck already doesnât like him.
âHe works in IT and Development, under Jisungâs supervision,â Jeno answers as if heâs reading Donghyuckâs mind. âHeâs new. Like he recently got regularized.â
âWho decided to regularize him?â Donghyuck confronts.
âMe, stupid,â Jeno answers. âHeâs great. A potential leader in IT, if you ask me.â
âLike VP level?â Donghyuck asks. âCan he be a VP?â
Jeno laughs. âMan, youâre screwed.â Donghyuck looks at him, eyebrows furrowed, as if heâs asking him what he means. âNothing, nothing.â
âHeâs good-looking, yeah, but he canât be VP like me.â
âWhatever you say, man.â
Donghyuck keeps an eye on you the whole time, and he hates that whenever he looks at you, he sees Jung Sungchan. He watches your teammates tighten the ties they wrapped around your ankles and knees. He hates that he has to watch Sungchan pull you close, the side of your bodies touching like magnets. He hates that Sungchan could wrap an arm around you because youâre too short and you would fall as soon as the game starts if he doesnât hold on to you. He hates that Sungchan could hug you as soon as the game ends because you and him just won the game for the team.
He hates that Jung Sungchan sits beside you the whole time after the game, even going out of his way to get a bottle of Gatorade for you. He hates that you smile at him proudly, and that you laugh at whatever joke that man was saying. He hates that heâs sitting on the other side of the court, and that you donât give him the time of the day.
He hates that after the game, when the team is announced as the champion of this yearâs sports event, the first person you hug is Jung Sungchan.
Lee Donghyuck hates that he doesnât understand why heâs hating all of this all of a sudden.
He skips dinner and leaves his card to Jeno.
You donât look for him, and Donghyuck doesnât understand why he hates that you donât.
Donghyuck becomes obsessed with Jung Sungchan the next Monday after the sports event. Itâs also 25 days until your resignation is finalized, which means, he shouldnât be thinking about Jung Sungchan and should be focusing on the rest of what that Forbes article said about retaining employees.
Jung Sungchan, Donghyuck learns, went to the same university as you. He is a few years younger, so he probably calls you nuna. (Which makes Donghyuck think now, how do you feel about being called nuna by a good-looking man? Heâs heard from his younger sister that women like being called nuna or having a younger boyfriend in general. Did you want Jung Sungchan to be your boyfriend? Is that why youâre resigning? Are you resigning so you can date him?)
Sungchan is an IT major, whoâs also taking his masterâs degree while heâs working. He was originally an intern like you, who was absorbed by SM Tech as soon as he completed his degree. (Donghyuck thinks you and him are probably close because heâs taking the same path you when you started with SM Tech. Yeah, that could be a valid reason.)
Sungchan is also from the same hometown you grew up in, though you never really met each other until he started working at SM Tech. Sungchan has the same schedule as you and Donghyuck (donât ask Donghyuck how he got these informationâof course, itâs Jeno) and spends a lot of time in the rooftop playing with his Nintendo Switch.
The similarities between you and Jung Sungchan are scary at this point. Donghyuck barely spends lunch time with you because even a hardworking girl like you needs time for herself, and oh Lord, Donghyuck thinks. You spent a lot of time in the rooftop, too. You and Jung Sungchan may be closer than Donghyuck had imagined.
âDonghyuck?â you call, entering his office. Donghyuck quickly closes the window showing Sungchanâs profile in the employee directory. âIâm going to take my lunch. After this, come meet the applicants, please.â
Donghyuckâs eyebrows furrow in confusion.
You smile. âFor my replacement.â
âOh,â he breathes. âThat quickly? I thought youâre staying for like a month?â
You nod. âI figured itâll be a smoother transition if we hire my replacement as early as next week, that way, they could get used to your schedule and daily whereabouts before I leave.â
Before you leave, of course, Donghyuck remembers. Of course, youâre leaving.
Donghyuck forgets about Jung Sungchan, doesnât even think about him when he asks you: âWanna have lunch with me?â
His heart somersaults when you smile back and say: âIâd love that, Donghyuck.â
Lunch is nothing but your sweet, soft laughter whenever Donghyuck cracks a stupid joke. Itâs nothing but Donghyuckâs heart doing its thing whenever you say something encouraging or when you reach over to wipe the sauce from the tip of his lips. Itâs nothing but Donghyuck thinking why he never invited you for lunch, why all meals with you all these years have always been rushed and in the middle of stacks of folders because you both had to quickly go back to work if you wanted to make it home before midnight, why stressful Friday nights were just wine inside his office, why he never took time to talk to you like this. Like itâs nothing but you and him.
You know Donghyuck like the back of your hand. Donghyuck asks himself, does he know you like you know him? He knows how you handle certain situations and is well aware of your quirks inside the office, but does he know you like how you know the pain that comes with being the grandson of Chairman Lee? Does he know you the way you know heâs never really been in love with any of the women he dated and that heâs only dating them to comply with his Motherâs ridiculous requests? Does he know you the way you know right away when heâs sick and needs a couple of days off?
You have done so many things for Donghyuck. While youâre helping him with a glass of wine, Donghyuck thinks: what has he done for you? Has he done something as exhausting as handling the date invitations and break-up procedure with his past girlfriends? Has he done something as marvelous as getting out of your way to make sure he gets the best treatment while he was on leave when he had that awful injury? Has he done something as remarkable as setting up an entire banquet dinner for his family when he forgot about his parentsâ anniversary?
Has Donghyuck done something you would remember him by when you leave?
Something drops on the pit of his stomach, and Donghyuck suddenly wants to throw up at the thought of you leaving. And of course, you notice this right away because you stop eating as soon as Donghyuck froze on his seat.
âWhatâs wrong?â
Iâm going to miss this, Donghyuck thinks, but he would rather die than admit it out loud.
âThe steak is not as good as the other place,â he lies, shaking his head. âWhich means, weâll have to go there tomorrow.â
You chuckle. âSure.â
Lee Donghyuck isnât scared of anything, but the sight right now is pretty much the scariest thing heâs ever seen his entire life.
As promised after lunch, you took Donghyuck to the Recruitment Hub to meet the potential candidates for your post. You and him might have forgotten, but neither of you had gone through the process of hiring somebody. You have never worked for anyone else apart from Donghyuck, and no one else has directly worked for Donghyuck apart from you.
So, when you and him step inside the Recruitment Hub, and all twenty-seven candidates simultaneously stand and greet you in chorus, it startles the shit out of you both.
âUh, hello,â you greet awkwardly. âYou can all sit. Weâre just dropping by.â
A woman wearing all green approaches you with a confident façade, eyes and lips shaking as she walks towards you and Donghyuck.
âHi, Y/N-ssi and daepyonim,â she greets in such a high-pitch voice, itâs impossible someone sounds like that naturally. âIâm excited to work with you.â
Donghyuck grimaces, but nods quickly, not accepting the handshake sheâs offering. You accept it on his behalf.
One by one, the applicants introduce themselves, and Donghyuck can tell most of them are rookies, with the way they were bowing too much and how their voices were shaking a little because of the forced energy theyâre trying to portray. All fucking twenty-seven of them.
Thank God, Soojung, the recruiter, stepped out of the interview room and asked everyone to sit and wait for their turn. She announces that the interview with Mr. Lee Donghyuck is not until they all pass the other interviews.
You and Donghyuck leave the scene, laughing on your way back to his office, because it was downright ridiculous, the scene you witnessed in the recruitment hub. He likes that youâre laughing with him, and Donghyuck take a chance:
âStay,â he says softly, holding your hand. âPlease.â
You smile back, squeezing his hand back before holding his face with both your hands, palms warm, and Donghyuck melts. âYou know I canât.â
âWhy not?â he asks innocently. âWhy canât you stay?â
âYou know why,â you answer.
âThe marriage proposal is still on,â he offers. âI donât think itâs a bad idea.â
âDonât joke about things like that, Donghyuck,â you giggle, squeezing his cheeks one last time before stepping back to leave.
âWhy not?â he asks.
You donât answer until youâre almost out the door: âI might start considering it.â
Itâs twenty-two days before you leave when Donghyuck finds you on your desk and hands you a laptop from Jenoâs officeâall encrypted and set-up for workâand tells you that you can work from home all week next week.
âI can?â you ask. âI never worked from home. Not even during the pandemic. I worked from your home office. But never in my own home.â
Donghyuck nods. âI figured youâve been tired all week, with the presentation in the next couple of weeks coming up.â
âExactly,â you point out. âThe presentation weâve been preparing for is coming up. I should be here with you.â
Donghyuckâs heart does the thing again. âAnd youâve worked hard enough for it. Youâve done the research part, which took the longest, and Iâm grateful you covered all that for me. Which is why Iâm letting you work from home all week.â
Implement remote schedules, the article reminds him.
âOh, man, thank you,â you say, hugging the laptop and bowing to him. âI really appreciate it.â
Donghyuck wonders why you never ask about these things. Looking at your reaction, it looks like this is something youâve wanted for a while, but why have you never asked? He would have said yes easily.
âYou let me know if you need me in the office and Iâll be here right away.â Donghyuck nods. âThank you.â
Donghyuck goes back to his office. He figured heâll be okay with you not being in the office.
Heâs so wrong.
Heâs not okay. Itâs only been three working days since you started working from home and heâs already a mess. There are people knocking in his office because you arenât there to shoo them away, and Donghyuck is not really a people-person, okay? If it werenât for his Lee blood, he wouldnât have made it to this position because heâs not that good with people. Heâs mean and vile and rude, and his boss would probably fire him right away as soon as he opens his mouth.
Someone with the name of Chaewon is explaining something to him right now, something about logistics and about her needing him to give the sign off to another person with the name of Jiwon. She apologizes for barging in and says she doesnât know what to do without you here. Donghyuck could say the same thing, honestly.
As soon as Chaewon is out the door, Donghyuck follows behind and locks the door.
He takes his phone and hopes you pick up because youâre probably focused on a report youâre studying since early morning.
You pick up, like always.
âCome back,â is all Donghyuck says.
Youâre back in the office in no less than 20 minutes.
Seventeen days from your departure, Donghyuck is walking around Gangnam trying to find the perfect gift for his Mother. The jewelry shop around the corner is the only place his mother likes, so he buys her the bracelet filled with diamonds that sheâs been eyeing on for a long time.
When Donghyuck is about to pay, a ring catches his attention. It looks great. Would look better on your hand, because, well, you have the prettiest hand. Heâs going to buy it for you for no reason. Just to say thank you for staying with him for seven years.
Exactly two weeks before your departure, Human Resources finally finds a person whoâs apparently fit for your job. Donghyuck doesnât believe them at all but agrees to meet the person anyway.
Youâre on the phone with someone when he steps out of his office. You look at him and point to the phone.
âHyunjin,â you mouth. Donghyuck shakes his head and waves his hands, telling you no, Iâm not here.
âYeah, I understand, Hyunjin-ssi,â you speak. âDonghyuck-ssi has been extremely busy with the potential partner whoâs visiting in a weekâOh, he didnât tell you about? Iâm sorry. He must have forgotten.â
Donghyuck gives you a thumbs up. You owe me, you mouth again.
âI assure you thereâs no one else, Hyunjin-ssi,â you speak again. âHeâs in his office 12 hours a day, and his driver drops him home and picks him up every day, so I donât think heâs sleeping around.â
Donghyuck sighs. He needs to make his mother stop setting him up with other women.
âIâll definitely have him call you as soon as he returns from the meeting heâs in,â you say, voice empathetic, probably because youâve mastered the art of handling Lee Donghyuckâs relationships. âI heard you were in the Dior Fashion Week last month? You were so beautiful!â
Donghyuck leaves and lets you do what you do best: handle things he canât.
He knows you know the drill by now. Seven long years, about nine or ten girlfriends in between, none of which he ever really loved.
âYouâre so corny,â you had said once, while composing a love letter for one of his ex-girlfriends. âThis is, like, so outdated,â
âWhat is?â
âThis whole process!â you laughed. âDonghyuck, weâve been doing this for over five years. Youâre so corny and repetitive and unoriginal. No wonder no woman ever stays.â
âI leave,â he corrected. âAnd Iâm not repetitive.â
You snorted. âDonghyuck, I know how each of your relationship started and ended.â
âDo you?â he challenged. âTell me then.â
âIt always starts with your mom,â you joked, but it was true anyway. âAnd you send them an external e-mail from your work account because youâre a piece of shit who likes to brag the VP title.â
âRight,â he agreed, laughing.
âAnd the first date is always at Love Always,â you continued. âNowhere else! Besides Love Always! Itâs not even a good restaurant. People go there for the clout.â
âAnd for Instagram,â he added. âOf course, if I take her there, she would take many pictures to post on her Instagram.â
âThe second date is in your office,â you said. âAnd Chef Park makes the food especially for you two. And I buy a fancy flower arrangement to decorate your entire office.â
âAnd you have the audacity to use my card and buy yourself tulips,â he interjected. You shrugged and poked your tongue on him. âBut go on, whatâs next?â
You cleared your throat. âThe third date will only happen if you like her enough during the second date. The criteria are as follows: did she make a comment about the security system? She should, because Jeno invented that. If she doesnât, thereâs no third date.â Donghyuck is impressed. âDid she ask you to narrate a day in your life in this very office? She should be interested in what you do, otherwise sheâd only be depressed because work is all you talk about. If sheâs not, thereâs no third date. Lastly, did she compliment Chef Parkâs food? Heâs the best chef in the entire world so if she doesnât, then thereâs no third date.â
âImpressive,â Donghyuck commented. âBut you missed something.â
âNo, I didnât,â you confidently answered. Donghyuck smiled.
âYou missed the part where they have to be kind to you on the second date to get a third date.â
Donghyuck didnât miss the blush on your cheeks.
âWhatever,â you shrugged. âAnyway, if itâs time for The Big Break-up, you ghost them for two or three weeks. When they start calling, La Belle Fleur is just a speed dial away. I have to get the most expensive arrangement of flowers, depending on the girlâs preference, and write in verbatim: Iâm sorry Iâm not enough for you. A woman like you deserves better. Please accept my apology. I will not bother you anymore.â
âLove always,â you said together. âLee Donghyuck.â
(Hyunjin never got the third date, Donghyuck remembers. So, sheâll probably get the break-up flowers.)
Zhong Chenle is bright like you when he enters Donghyuckâs office. Perhaps not as bright, but good enough.
âDonghyuck-ssi,â you start. âThis is Zhong Chenle. Your new secretary. He will start tomorrow. I had facilities setup a desk and computer beside mine. Weâre working on his ID and credentials today, so there should be no issues tomorrow.â
âNice you meet you, daepyonim,â Chenle greets, bowing a complete 90 degrees. âIâll work hard.â
Donghyuck only nods, still not used to talking to other people apart from you. He sees you mouth something to him, along the words of âbe kindâ, but Donghyuckâs not really in the mood to being kind when you just reminded him again that youâre leaving in literally two weeks.
âHave you sent the flowers to Hyunjin?â is what he says to you, tone mean and condescending.
âIâll have it done in a minute. I wanted to introduce Chenle first before Iââ
âWeâve been introduced,â he firmly says. âNow go do your job. Out.â
You look at him in disbelief, probably biting your tongue, but nod and leave anyway.
Donghyuck doesnât know where this sudden change of mood is coming from; perhaps when he saw Chenle, he realized itâs real. He realized youâre leaving SM Tech. Youâre leaving him.
Of all people, you are leaving him.
He would think seven years would mean something to you. His feelings are still unclear, but one thing is for sure, those years mean everything to him.
Donghyuckâs suddenly bitter. Angry at the fact that you had the audacity to even bring a new secretary for him. That you had to keep coming to work and showing him the things you do for him, further making him feel like youâre trying to show him heâd go limp without you.
Fuck trying to get you to stay.
You can go as far away as you want.
âThis isnât right,â Donghyuck comments when he reads Chenleâs report.
âWeâll correct it right away,â you interject, but Donghyuck shakes his head.
âDo you expect me to accept work like this?â Donghyuck asks.
âDonghyuck, Iâllââ
âIâm not talking to you,â he spits, eyeing you before turning back to Chenle who has his head down. âYou, Chenle!â
âYes, daepyonim,â he says in a whisper.
âTalk louder,â Donghyuck commands. He hasnât been like this in a while. During the first few years of working, he might have treated you this way, but itâs been so long that he canât remember. âDo you expect me to accept work like this?â
âNo, daepyonim,â the younger man answers. âIâm sorry. It was my first time, andââ
âAnd you should be forgiven? Who told you that? Whose rule is that?â Donghyuck challenges, then looks at you. âY/N? Is that what she said? If you make a mistake, because itâs your first time, youâre forgiven? Is that it?â
You and Chenle remain silent. Donghyuck canât read your face and would rather not look at you while heâs trying to be angry.
âNow you canât answer?â he scoffs. âDonât believe a word Y/N says. Sheâs leaving, why do you think sheâs leaving? If this is such a great job, why would someone working here for seven fucking years leave? This is going to be your life every day. Rethink your fucking choices and get out of my office.â
Chenle nods, bowing before leaving. Donghyuck ignores you and goes back to his work, typing away. You, however, remain silent, just standing there watching him.
âWhat are you waiting for?â Donghyuck asks calmly. âDo you need me to walk you out of my office?â
âIf youâre mad at me,â you say, voice shaking. Donghyuck realizes youâre about to cry. âDonât take it out on the kid.â
Donghyuck snorts. âHe needs to be tough if he wants this job.â
âIââ you start again. Donghyuck waits. But you keep your mouth shut.
Donghyuck keeps his eyes on his monitor and hears the door shut. When youâre gone, he can only watch the door, as if heâs expecting you to come back.
He reckoned itâll be easier to watch you leave if you hate him. Itâll be easier to watch you leave when your eyes arenât as bright and warm as they are.
Donghyuck keeps himself locked inside his office for the rest of the day. You leave a message in his inbox, telling him you and Chenle are out for lunch, then another when you returned exactly one hour later. Donghyuck doesnât have the heart to reply to you.
Later that night, you send him another message saying you and Chenle are logging off for the day. He sighs in relief when he reads it and quickly prepares to leave as well. What he didnât know is that, you and Chenle are still right outside his door. He stays behind the door.
âDonghyuckâs just stressed,â he hears you say. âYou know, Weishen Inc is really big time. Like, if you already think SM Tech is huge, Weishen Inc is like, ten times.â
âHe doesnât deserve you,â Chenle replies. The kidâs probably right. âI donât think I can fill the shoes youâre leaving behind.â
âYouâll be better than me!â you encourage him. âYouâre already ten steps ahead with that skill in Microsoft Excel. Donghyuck had to teach me.â
âReally? That asshole has the patience to teach you?â
âHey!â Then a slap, probably on Chenleâs arm. âDonât talk shit about your boss.â
âYou just told me âhe can be an asshole sometimesâ literally five hours ago,â Chenle answers. Donghyuck stifles a laugh.
âWell, Donghyuck and I are friends,â you point out. âSo, I guess thatâs a pass to talk shit about him.â
âFair,â Chenle agrees. âHow did you even become friends with him?â
You chuckle. âI donât know, Chenle. I guess, because weâve been working together for seven years, we grew on each other. He was mean. Vile. He was the spawn of the devil when I first met him. But it was only because he was pressured to do well, and he canât do well if his secretary is incompetent. I know everything I know because of him. Thatâs why I had to work hard, so that he could succeed in all of his endeavors.â
âSo, you work hard for Lee Donghyuck?â the younger one asks.
âExactly.â
âWell, what about you?â
âThatâs why Iâm quitting, kid,â you answer. âTime to work hard for me.â
Donghyuck hears them shuffle around, footsteps getting farther and farther away. When Donghyuck hears nothing but silence, he leaves.
Days go by with you and Donghyuck not talking at all. Not even for work.
Itâs seven days before you leave, and Donghyuck has given up on making you stay. He doesnât think itâs worth fighting for anyway, because youâre leaving and nothingâs stopping you. And who is Donghyuck to stop you?
Who is Donghyuck to stop you from living your life and choosing yourself?
If he was being honest, he feels guilty over the fact that you had to live all these years jailed to being his secretary, but at the same time, thereâs a needle poking his heart when he wonders why you make working with him sound so miserable. Why it feels like you never wanted any of these. Why seven years suddenly mean nothing but work for you.
Donghyuck wants to ask, what about all those hours when you and him arenât working?
Nights of drinking at a convenience store because you would rather go home than spend so much money on overpriced drinks at a crowded, loud bar. That entire week of being stuck in the US together because all flights were canceled and the next earliest flight was six days after the original departure. Days of nothing but watching movies in his office because there were no clients to worry about. Dinners with his family, dinners at his place. Weekends in Japan because you and him are stressed and you need some kind of getaway.
Did⌠did Donghyuck force you all those times? Did you feel like you had to say yes because youâre working for him?
He needs to drink. Donghyuck doesnât have many friends. He has Jeno, but Jeno is in New York right now. And, well, he had you. He canât call you for many reasons.
So, he goes alone, of course. He leaves work early, leaving a message to Chenle that you and him can go home whenever. He tells his chauffer he can take the night off, too. Donghyuck doesnât need anyone tonight. He can take care of himself, thank you very much.
He takes an Uber home, and drives himself after dressing up. Heâs planning to get drunk as shit and to get laid tonight, so of course, he needs to look great.
The club is loud when he arrives, and he convinces himself heâs never too old to go clubbing, though with the look of the womenâs faces here, he reminds himself to be careful and ask how old they are if he plans to make out with them.
He opens a tab and asks for some rum and coke to start off the night. He canât remember how many drinks heâs had when he finally gets the courage to go dance and pull a woman wearing a tight, beautiful dress from the crowd. She smells great and Donghyuck feels the curve of her hips when he pulls her close.
And sheâs kissing him now. Donghyuck hasnât kissed anyone in a while, so he doesnât know if it feels great.
Then sheâs touching him everywhere, pushing him until heâs seated on a couch and sheâs sitting on his lap. Her tongue is everywhere. One second itâs in his mouth, the next on his neck, and Donghyuck is just drunk as shit and wants to get laid.
How old are you is what he wants to ask but it comes out as: âHow old is the hotel?â
âWhat?â the woman asks. âIf youâre horny, we can do it here. Thereâs a bathroom on the back. Letâs go.â
Donghyuck shakes his head. Heâs never had sex in such a scandalous place. Sex should be done in bed. âNo. Bed sex only. Hotel, please.â
âYou serious?â she asks. Donghyuck nods. âFucking loser.â Then leaves.
Donghyuck laughs at himself. Yes, heâs definitely a loser. He looks down and his dick is not even hard enough to invite someone for sex. Itâs fine though, the woman she was making out with doesnât have eyes as bright asâ
âFuck off,â he says to no one. âGet the fuck out of my mind.â
He goes back to the bar and take as many tequila shots as he can. It seems like rum wasnât enough to get you out of his mind, because heâs here to make out with people and have sex with someone but all he can think about is your stupid fucking eyes that he loves so much for some reason he could never comprehend.
Donghyuck doesnât remember how many shots heâs had now, but his chest starts to hurt so he convinces himself to stop. He hands his card over to the guy at the bar and tells him to give himself KRW 100,000 as a tip. Then heâs out.
Donghyuck is dizzy as fuck when the lights from the streets hit him. Heâs stumbling when he reaches his car keys and presses the buttons so he could find his car. It takes long for him to simply get to his car, and Donghyuck is stupid, but heâs not dumb. Heâs not making it home alive if he tries to drive now. Perhaps he could sleep in his car all night. Yeah, thatâs what he will do.
So, he gets in his car, rolls one of the windows down, and settles himself on the driverâs seat, eyelids heavy.
Thenâ
His phone rings.
âY/N, baby,â he drunkenly greets, eyes still closed. âWhy are you calling me?â
âWhere are you?â you ask, worried. Donghyuck smiles.
âAw, you miss me, baby?â he asks, giggling.
âYouâre drunk.â
âIâm not,â he hiccups. âI was trying to have sex with someone. Apparently, IâmâIâm a loser for wanting to have sex on a bed than a dirty public restroom. How am I a loser for being able to afford a hotel for a one-night stand.â
You sigh on the other line. âWhy are youâWhat are you even, you know what? I donât want to know. Stay there. I have your location on.â
âNo!â he protests. âDonât come! I donât want to see you! And I donât want you to see me like this!â
âDonât hang up,â you warn. âAre you on the street or something?â
âIâm in my car,â Donghyuck says anyway. âBut I donât want to see you.â
âIâll wear a face mask so you donât see me,â you answer. Donghyuck hears you shuffling on the other line, probably driving. How did you even know heâs out tonight?
âWear sunglasses, too,â Donghyuck suggest. âI donât want to see your eyes.â
âOkay.â
âNo, donât. I want to see them,â he says. âI probably wonât ever look at you in the eyes sober again.â
âWhatever you want, Donghyuck.â
âIâm about to pass out,â he whines. âPlease come quickly. I need to see you before I pass out.â
âIâm nearby.â
âWait no, donât drive too fast,â he exclaims. âI need you alive.â
âIâll be alive. Iâm around the corner. Where are you parked?â
âGuess!â
âDonghyuck, I donât want to play games with you. Pleaseâthere you are. Wait for me.â
âIâll wait for you forever.â
The next scenes go by quickly in Donghyuckâs mind. You help him get out of his car and take him inside yours. You promise him youâll pick up his car early in the morning and ask him to try to stay awake until you reach his penthouse.
Donghyuck tries his best. Everything is doubled in his sight, but he plays with the tablet connected to your car, and takes out everything you have in the small compartment in front of him. He reads all the labels and even the ingredients of the products you had in there in attempts of staying awake.
And when you reach his home, he realizes how great you smell.
You help him reach his bed and get him out of his clothes because you know he likes to sleep naked. You ask him to drink a glass of water before going to the bathroom, grabbing a towel soaked in warm water.
Donghyuck is already lying on his bed, snuggled in his blankets, when you return. You donât talk, but Donghyuck thanks you when you start dabbing the towel all over his face then down to his neck and chest.
âHere,â Donghyuck points to the skin below his jaw. âClean it. She kissed me there.â
Donghyuck is dazed, but he doesnât miss the way you stopped as soon as he said that. âClean me everywhere. Because she kissed me everywhere.â
And so, you do. You clean him everywhere, and Donghyuck feels you press harder on his skin, gliding the rough side of the towel harshly.
âWhere else?â you ask. Donghyuck is already half asleep. âWhere else did she kiss you?â
Donghyuck weakly points to his lips, one eye open. âHere.â
He watches you leave, going back inside his bathroom, and return with another towel, a cup and a bottle of mouthwash. He does his best to get up when you help him. You hand him the mouthwash, reminding him not to swallow it, and wait for him to clean his mouth. Once heâs done, you wipe his mouth with a clean towel, putting everything on his side table, and Donghyuck youâre sitting so close to Donghyuck now.
Youâre holding him so tight, face inches away from him.
âSleep, Donghyuck,â you whisper. Donghyuck leans closer. âPlease.â
âI want to kiss you,â he confesses. âKiss me. Please.â
âDonghyuck, letâs not do something you will regret later.â
âI wonât regret it because I wonât remember,â he answers. âPlease kiss me.â
Donghyuck doesnât know why heâs surprised when you do. Heâs naked and youâre sitting on his bed, kissing him. And youâre kissing him like itâs all you ever wanted. You started softly kissing him, like youâre testing the waters or kissing something so delicate, like youâre scare you would break it, but Donghyuck pulls you closer, holds you by your jaw, and invites himself inside your mouth.
The next thing he knows, youâre sitting right on top of his boner and heâs unbuttoning your shirt and kissing everywhere, biting, nipping, lickingâand God, you taste good. Better than he imagined. Heâs about to unclasp your bra when you stop him.
âDonghyuck,â you whisper. âLetâs do this when youâre sober, yeah?â
Donghyuck nods like a child, and his boner hurts, he just wants to bust a nut, but agrees anyway.
He doesnât remember much after that. He passes out as soon as you kiss him on the forehead with a promise of seeing him tomorrow.Â
When he wakes up the next morning, he remembers everything.
Two days before your departure and Donghyuck is yet to get the courage to speak with you.
He called in sick after the incident five nights ago and has been avoiding you like plague. Today, however, is the day the folks from Weishen Inc is vising SM Tech for his presentation, and heâs nothing but a bunch of nerves all morning.
He assumes heâs forgiven for everything when you step inside his office with a chamomile tea in hand. You know he canât present anything properly without drinking chamomile tea first.
âYouâre going to be great,â you offer with a small smile. âIâll be there with you.â
âThank you.â
âIâm sure Weishen will agree with the partnership,â you assure. âYou worked so hard on this.â
âWe,â he corrects. âYou did more than I have. Iâm all confidence and talk; youâre the research and brain.â
âGuess this is why weâre the best partners,â you joke. âWe balance each other out.â
Donghyuck chuckles. âI wish you didnât have to leave.â
You nod. âI know.â
âTomorrowâs your last day.â
âTomorrowâs my last day,â you agree. âBut thatâs tomorrow. Today, weâll secure your partnership with Weishen Inc.â
âWe will.â
Of course, you and Donghyuck secured the partnership. You and him were the best team the world has ever known.
âThe team prepared a goodbye party at the pantry for you,â Chenle says when you, him, and Donghyuck are walking back from the board room to Donghyuckâs office. âIf you have nothing to do now, can we go?â
âChenle, baby,â you say. âI donât think youâre supposed to tell me.â
Chenle gasps. âIâm not?â
âItâs a surprise,â Donghyuck mumbles. âJeno and his team prepared it. Chenle, you were supposed to ask her to grab coffee from the pantry.â
You laugh at Chenleâs distress. âNuna! Iâm so sorry!"
You assure the younger one itâs okay, and ask Donghyuckâs permission if you could go, which Donghyuck agreed to, of course. There wasnât anything else to do for the rest of the day, anyway. The only thing everybody had going on today was the business proposal presentation for Weishen Inc. and since thatâs done, you were free to go.
âDonghyuck,â you call when Donghyuck was about to go back inside his office. âPlease come. I want you to be there.â
Donghyuck nods. âIâll be on my way. Just have to check something.â
You nod back, smiling, and Donghyuck feels like heâs about to cry. Itâs all bittersweet, and Donghyuck wonders how he could stretch the day longer tomorrow.
He quickly takes the small box thatâs been sitting inside his drawer for weeks now and runs back outside to the pantry.
When he gets there, everyoneâs gathered around you, and he knows youâre crying already because he could hear Chenle teasing you.
He sees Jeno who smiles at him knowingly, and your other colleagues youâve gotten close with over the last seven years. He even sees Jung Sungchan that heâs forgotten about now, and heâs not bothered that the younger man hugs you as you cry. Chenle pops the champagne open, and starts to pour some to as many people as he can.
Itâs Jeno who raises a toast. âTo Y/N, thank you for your seven long years of service with SM Tech. We wouldnât have gotten where we are now if you werenât with us. You literally bring us all together because Donghyuck is Donghyuck, God knows he wouldnât work with anyone. So, if it werenât for you, Client Solutions and SM Tech itself wouldnât be a success. To Y/N, youâre finally free from Lee Donghyuck!â
You laugh at the message. Jeno turns to Donghyuck. âDonghyuck, wanna say something?â
Donghyuck thinks. He has a lot to say. A lot of things to thank you for, countless of things to apologize for, many things to celebrate, but very little comes out when heâs surrounded with a crowd like this.
Therefore, he says the only thing he could muster up: âYou and I will always be the best team the worldâs ever known.â
The crowd cheers, and you continue crying.
Donghyuck raises a glass, drinks it in one go, then leaves, the small box in his pocket heavy.
Itâs you who finds Donghyuck in the rooftop hours later.
He never realized how comforting this place can be. Because he was only ever here during his first two years working when he had to smoke his stress off from his body. The sun has set, and all Donghyuck could see are the lights from the streets and the buildings around SM Tech.
âHey, stranger,â you tell him, sitting right beside him on the bench.
He only smiles and continues to stare ahead.
âAre you alright?â you ask.
Donghyuck chuckles. âY/N, if youâre here to say goodbye, please donât.â
âIâm not saying goodbye, Donghyuck,â you answer. âI was looking for you. You left.â
âI,â he starts. âI canât handle that kind of atmosphere. You know that.â
You nod. âI figured. We took pictures. I wanted you there.â
Donghyuck remains silent. He lays his hand on top of his thigh, the one closer to you, and he lays it with his palm facing the sky, open, waiting for yours. You donât need another second to figure it out.
Itâs not the first time youâre holding hands. You held Donghyuckâs hand multiple times in this lifetime, and he held yours countless of times, but this one feels different.
You hold his hand like an assurance. Of what? Donghyuck isnât sure. But he feels warm despite how cold it is up here. Like an assurance. Like certainty.
There were many things that Lee Donghyuck wasnât sure of; things like getting that CEO role in the next couple of years, like how heâll be able to make it without you outside his office, like how he can ensure that the partnership with Weishen Inc will run for a long timeâeven things like what would happen tomorrow. Heâs always believed that his life is full of uncertainties despite receiving everything in a silver platter and that his life is crazy in many ways.
But here, under the starless sky of Seoul, heâs found the only thing heâs certain about and the only thing in his life that makes sense: you.
Itâs you who have been with him in the past seven years. You who holds his hand at his lowest and cheers the loudest in his best. You who have always been gentle and kind and everything the world could never be. Itâs you, the one he has loved for a long time without him knowing.
And he hopes itâs not too late.
When you decided to leave, he thought that the selfish part of him only needed you so he could succeed in his goals, because you have always been with him every step of the way from the day he started. Then he realized, you quitting would mean he would no longer see you every day, would no longer have someone to hold his hand when needs it, would no longer have someone laugh at his stupid jokes and tolerate his bullshit decisions, would no longer have anyone listen to him, would no longer have anyone to buy gifts for every Christmas, would no longer have anyone smile proudly at him every day.
Donghyuck cannot imagine a life without you. And when you said you were quitting because you wanted to get away from him, it hit Donghyuck like a fucking truck: you didnât want him more than someone youâre working for, when all heâs ever really wanted is you. He goes to pointless dates thinking about you, whether youâd eaten or not, if you like the new album from that band you and him like, if youâd seen the new Avatar movie. And you were there, thinking of him only as Lee Donghyuck, the man you work for.
Which is why heâs so bitter about you leaving. Because you werenât only leaving SM Tech. You were leaving Donghyuck.
But youâre here now. And youâre holding his hand, and Donghyuck wants, wants, wants.
Donghyuck wants you.
âIââ
âYouââ
You giggle. âAlright, you go first.â
Donghyuck shakes his head. âIâll throw up if I go first. You go first.â
You nod. âIâm going to miss you.â You smile.
âI miss you already,â Donghyuck whines. âBut, go on.â
âIâm sure you remember what happened that night thatâs why you called in sick all week,â you say. Donghyuck can blame the cold for the blush on his face. âAnd I remember, vividly. And I donât regret it.â
Donghyuck nods. He doesnât know what to say. He shouldâve gone first.
âDo you regret it?â you ask, hopeful.
Donghyuck shakes his head. âNot one bit. I was scared you did. So, I ran away.â
âWhy did you go out kissing other women,â you breathe. âWhen Iâve been waiting for a long, long time now?â
Itâs Donghyuck who stops breathing when you say it. And he canât believe youâre saying this now, because how long? How long have you two been blindly pining for each other like this? Why did it have to take you leaving for you to realize it.
âItâs true what they say,â you suddenly say. âYou donât know what you have until itâs gone. Donghyuck, I wonât wait for that to happen for me to tell you how important you are to me. I wonât wait until youâre gone for you to know how much you mean to me. Iâm sorry if I made you feel like the last seven years mean nothing to meâthatâs not at all the case. I love you, and it sounds ridiculous when I say this but Iâm leaving because I do. Love you. So much. You cannot imagine how much I do, and Iâm scared that I might only love you because Iâm with you all the time, which is why Iâm leaving. Iâm leaving and Iâll be my own person and Iâll still love you.â
âY/NâŚâ Donghyuck struggles. âI thought you were leaving because you didnât want me anymore.â
âIâve never not wanted you, Donghyuck,â you confess. âI canât remember a time that I didnât love you.â
Donghyuckâs tongue is tied. So, he does the next best thing.
The ring thatâs been kept in pocket is beautiful when he opens it towards your direction. âItâs not a proposal,â he says right away.
âItâs a promise?â you ask, teasingly. âI told you. Youâre as corny as it can get.â
âIâm literally going to throw this ring out there,â Donghyuck replies. âShow me some respect. You still work for me.â
âThatâs hot.â
âY/N!â
He closes the box and hands it over to you. âItâs yours. Thatâs my heart and itâs yours. You keep it if you want to. Put it back in my desk first thing in the morning if you donât.â
You take it with both hands. âAnd if I wear it?â
âThen it means your heart is mine, too.â
Normally, you would snicker and say something along the lines of cheesy and unoriginal, so, Donghyuck is surprised when you lean over and give him a peck on his cheek. Donghyuck blushes even more.
âIâll see you tomorrow, Lee Donghyuck.â
Donghyuck smiles warmly, hand finding yours again. You stand and go back inside the building. He turns so he can watch you leave, and the past few weeks, simply watching you step out of his office leaves a heavy weight on his chest, but this time around he watches you with a happy, content heart, knowing that heâll see you again tomorrowânot for the last time; tomorrow and every day, he hopes. Love always, he hopes.
[bonus: your POV]
Your last day in SM Tech isnât as eventful as the day before. Itâs mostly handing over your access badges and endorsing everything to Chenle and leaving all the reminders to Donghyuckâs desk.
Youâve bid farewell to mostly everyone, and you havenât seen Donghyuck yet because he came in earlier than everyone else to meet his grandfather in the Chairmanâs office. The ring on your finger is beautiful, and you canât help but anticipate Donghyuckâs reaction when he sees it.
Lunch goes by, and Donghyuck is still in the Chairmanâs office. You spend the rest of the day with Chenle, ensuring that youâve endorsed everything. Jeno stops by a couple of times, checking on you and Donghyuck.
Itâs around four in the afternoon when you see Donghyuck from the hallway, speaking with another VP, and heâs dressed so prettily today, a dark suit and tie, hair pushed backâhandsome. You stand as he bids goodbye to the others, and you know heâs tired from the way his eyelids are drooping heavily even from afar. And when he sees you, God, when he sees you, he sighs in relief, eyes brighter than ever, as he walks towards you.
âIâm sorry, the chairman needed all his VPs all day today, none of us expected it,â he explains as soon as he reaches you. He hasnât bothered to look at your hand yet. âYouâve had lunch, yes?â
You nod. âChenle and I ordered sushi. You?â
âYeah, the chairman prepared an entire banquet for us,â he answers. âChenle, do you mind if I take Y/N away for a minute?
Chenle nods. âSheâs all yours, daepyonim.â
Donghyuck smiles and takes you hand (the one without a ring), pulling you towards his office. You see Chenle smiling teasingly back in his desk.
As soon as the door is shut, Donghyuck pulls you into a hug, sighing in relief. âI needed this. And Iâm sorry. Itâs your last day here and Iâm supposed to be by your side but you know, duty calls.â
âItâs fine,â you say, pulling back so you can look at his face, all tired and sleepy. You reach up. âYou poor thing. We can go home early, if you want.â
âYeah, I wouldââ You caress his face with both hands, and there, finally. âYouâre wearing it.â
âI told you.â You poke a tongue at him. âNow, may I kiss you?â
âI need a minute,â he says and you frown up at him. He untangles himself from you and walks over to his desk. âAll you access have been deactivated, right?â
âYeah,â you confirm. âAt exactly 4pm, my Outlook no longer allowed me to login.â
âAlright,â he says and types something on his computer. âI just need to send one important e-mail and we can go.â
Your phone buzzes from the pocket of your suit. You take it and look at the notification: a new e-mail from your personal inbox. You look up back to Donghyuck, and heâs walking back towards you with a stupid, handsome smile on his face.
You shake your head, chuckling, as you open the new e-mail.
I hope this e-mail finds you well. You are cordially invited for an exclusive dinner with me tonight at your choice of restaurant, with an optional (and highly encouraged) offer to cuddle at my penthouse after.
Looking forward to your response.
Love always,
Lee Donghyuck
Vice President, Client Solutions | [email protected] | SM Tech SK
IDOLS FEATURED | kang taehyun, choi beomgyu, hueningkai, shin ryujin (mentioned)
WC | 15.1k
GENRE |Â fluff, angst, summer love, summer fling, no strings attached relationship, strangers to lovers, non-idol!au
WARNINGS | explicit language, mentions of and implied sex [no explicit smut], hookup culture, bad communication, casual marijuana use, alcohol consumption, casual drug use and drinking, heated makeouts, groping, crying, arguing, mentions of not eating [bad coping mechanisms], both of mcâs parents are in the picture
SYNOPSIS | there is just about one month until you move out of your childhood home for good and fly to south korea to finally pursue your dream career, and youâve done nothing but laze around all summer, infuriating both you and your parents to no end. and then you meet himâkang taehyun, whoâs just moved to town to pursue his dream. and it just so happens that heâs from korea. startled yet intrigued by the almost too-perfect coincidence, the two of you strike up a summer ârelationshipâ knowing that itâll end in exactly twenty-three daysâunder the assumption that twenty-three days is too short a time to fall in love.
A/N | i wrote this to procrastinate on one of my longer works but this one ended up being sort of long too. inspired by some more real-life events (kind of) and basically a pile word vomit projecting my issues onto these characters. enjoy!!
request to be added to current and future taglists here!Â
MASTERLISTÂ
TWENTY-THREE DAYS LEFTÂ
Summer was a difficult time for you. Youâd look forward to it all winter, longing for the snow to melt away and the only cold in your life to come from creamy vanilla soft-serve ice cream and icy-cold lemonade that made your sensitive teeth tingle with delightful pain. But once it arrived in all of its blazing-hot heat and seemingly endless sunny days, you began to look forward to autumn, the chill of a crunchy-leaf filled breeze and glowing yellow lights inside vibrant orange jack-o-lanterns.Â
This year was no exception. You felt as if you were melting into the thatched weave of your motherâs patio furniture, the sun-warmed material almost too hot for the bare skin of your legs to rest upon comfortably. Slipping your large black sunglassesâthat your best friend said made you look like an oversized houseflyâover your eyes, you willed the heat to go away, leave you alone until next year, when youâd be far, far away from your hometown.Â
synopsis |Â With your fizzy drinks and vinyls in tow, youâre determined to make the most of your summer before the start of your first year at university. Everythingâs seemingly perfect; humid afternoons with your closest friends, late-night mixers at your local alumnis' estates, and sleeping in to ungodly hours. What you didnât predict, however, was your brother making the early trip home to surprise you with a certain someone â namely, his best friend since childhood â following closely behind. His unexpected appearance throws you off, and suddenly, your summer is filled to the brim with his presence. Youâre finally able to taste the idea of mature love, but is it really all that itâs made out to be?
content |Â brother!taeyong, retro-themed au, angst, fluff, coming of age, language warning, suggestive, mentions and consumption of alcohol/drugs
wc |Â 26.7k
song |Â delicate â taylor swift
a/n |Â for @hyuckmov and @rrxnjun, who kept me sane while writing this monster :D
...
The first week of summer before your freshman year of university is defined by sticky ân sweet cherry cola, rides around the abandoned carousel with your friends, and âborrowingâ quarters out of your brotherâs Cadillac to insert into the jukebox of the local diner; break has been this way since as long as you could remember. It's a familiar itinerary, one that plays back routinely every school break.
Youâve grown up without even realizing, your teenage days spent juggling academic work and getting into stupid situations with Mark and Chaewon trickling down to a close. This conclusion really hit you during an epiphany on a sweltering night after high school graduation.Â
It occurred in the midst of humid sepia air, the three of you still in your graduation caps and gowns as your bodies lay splayed across the asphalt leading down to your street. With the absence of cars coming down the wide road, it was perfectly rational to lay side by side in the middle of the cul-de-sac. The ground was simply the best place to ponder your thoughts and get lost in swirling memories now that university lay too close on the horizon; the sheer size of the sky seemed to mock your trio as you watched the clouds roll on by in their mismatched shapes and harrowing wisps.Â
A cigar â one comically too big for his face â hung between Markâs fingers as he pushed his body to flop over your arm, the thing no doubt âborrowedâ from the bottom of his fatherâs office drawer.
âThank the Lord Iâll never have to see you bitches again,â he had sighed in pretend relief, blowing a tunnel of smoke into the side of your face as you pushed his warm skin off of yours. Chaewon snorted from beside you.
âPlease, as if youâll last a day without us at uni,â she retorted, rolling over onto her stomach and pulling a face at Markâs teasing words. âI canât even count the amount of times Iâve saved your life over this past month alone.â
âYeah?â Mark grinned, supporting his upper body with his forearms as he turned to look at her over your relaxed figure. âEnlighten me.â She subsequently raised her eyebrows at him.
âMight I remind you of the time you got stuck at the drive-through cinema at 2am because you had locked yourself out of your car? And guess whose asses had to haul yours back home two hours away,â Chaewon pointed an accusing finger at Mark, her tone joking as she glared at said boy. He opened his mouth to say something but she held up a finger to her mouth in a shushing motion, stopping him. âAnd. Letâs not forget last week,â Mark furrowed his eyebrows, as if trying to recall which out of all the dumb decisions he had made was about to be relived, âwhen Kang Yujin pushed up on you during that one house party, you got a hard on from just that, and we had to cover for you-â
Mark shot up abruptly, leaning over you to slap a hand over Chaewonâs mouth before rushing to defend himself.
âBut she was so hot, Chae, you wouldnât understand,â he whined at her, frowning at you to do something and sympathize with him. It was expected by now, the regular petty and half-assed arguments making your friendship that much stronger.
As they continued bickering back and forth, you couldnât help but let your mind drift away back into the clouds, the setting sun soaking them with a blazing, burnt umber. You would be going to college soon, and that meant no Mark, no Chaewon, and no parents to keep you sane. It was strange to imagine not spending every waking moment with your two best friends, and even stranger to think that going to different schools would mean no more daily drama fill-ins and midnight convenience store runs.
But after all, you had done it once, and you hoped you could do it again.
When your older brother Taeyong left for university a few years ago, it had practically shattered you. Sure, you found him incredibly annoying at times (still do) and had a constant vendetta against the man, but when the moment came to hug him goodbye, you just couldnât bring yourself to let go. He had shown you the ins and outs of adolescence and given you the attention you craved when your parents couldnât. He taught you how to take care of yourself, how to look in the mirror and recognize your worth, how to know your own limits, and how to realize that high school boys werenât shit. He was always the first to get to the hospital when you had gotten hurt at school, and most important of all, he was with you throughout the highs and lows growing up.
If Taeyong leaving home had taught you anything, it was that time moves too fast â and itâll only move faster as you get older. You know that your life is about to enter Round 2, and this time without anyone to hold your hand as you enter an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people.
But itâs not over just yet.
Your best friends would never let that happen, and you recognize this now as your golden trio sits in your townâs local record shop, with ceiling fans whirring above you as the cool storefront protects you from the blazing summer heat.
Itâs after-hours but the sun still burns bright into the late afternoon. You recline in the cashier chair as Chaewon flips the 'open' sign closed and makes her way back to you and Mark, the latter sitting against the wall with a variety of bottles surrounding him on the checkered floor.Â
Heâs in an odd position, and you just know his mother would flip if she saw him with this much alcohol on a wednesday afternoon (at least itâs not a Sunday after mass, but she definitely doesnât need to know that heâs been there, done that already). Mark tests out new concoctions every week, using the record store as his work space; the ownerâs never in town and barely any customers come in to buy records these days, so thereâs no one to stop him. Chaewon raises her eyebrows as she eyes the newest addition to his special menu.
âIâm not even gonna ask,â you say as he swirls the amber liquid around in a clean whisky bottle. Mark whistles at his creation, impressed, before holding it up to you and shaking it tauntingly. It smells slightly floral, the sharp flavors of absinthe and cognac making your nose scrunch.
âYouâre just mad that your mixes donât hit as hard as mine, baby.â With another swirl, he lifts the drink up to his mouth to taste. âAnd because you so nicely asked,â Mark smirks at you, âitâs Peychaudâs Bitters, cognac, syrup, and anise, and I give you my permission to borrow the recipe to impress your future uni friends. Youâre welcome.â You shove Markâs shoulder with your palm as he laughs at your baffled expression, body shaking with amusement while he sips away at his newest pride.Â
Itâs only when Chaewon reaches over to steal the bottle away from him that your phone starts ringing, startling all three of you as the name of your older brother flashes across the screen. Mark looks at you inquisitively, but you just shrug in response and press the receive button.
âTae?â you inquire, surprised at the sudden call. âEverything okay?â
He hums at the end of the line.Â
âMore than okay. Guess whose plans just changed and is actually coming home today for break,â he reveals right away, and you know heâs smiling by the way his tone of voice is lilted in true Taeyong fashion.
âNo fucking way,â you breathe out, eyes widening. Taeyongâs back? âToday, right now? For the entire summer? Youâre actually lying- wait wait Iâm coming home right now. Wait. Wait for me.â
ââWait wait wait,â Iâm not going anywhere sis,â he grins as he mocks you, noises of shuffling sounding out over your phone speaker. âMomâs gonna pick me up from the airport in 30, I think. See you then?â
âLee Taeyong! How could you not tell me,â you frown into the receiver, âI need at least three business days to prepare before seeing your face.â
âOh, shut up would you. I have literal voicemail receipts of you crying about how much you miss me,â Taeyong retorts, topping your sarcasm.Â
You sigh, rubbing your temple when you realize that Taeyongâs never gonna let your sad-drunk voicemails go. âFine, but you better spend every single day with me.â
Taeyong protests jokingly before giving in, promising you that heâll make up for the time youâve missed together. With a little, love you, and more of his usual unsolicited comments, the two of you say your quick goodbyes and you turn back to your waiting friends.Â
âDamn, Taeyongâs really back?â Mark looks at you in awe, his eyes shining with admiration. âHe never stays for long, thatâs crazy. You gotta let me come over at least once,â he pleads, hands grabbing yours. You know that your best friend looks up to your brother a ton, so you nod at him. âSick, imma finally be able to talk music with him.â
âWait, if Taeyongâs coming home for the entire summer,â Chaewon pauses, a knowing smile growing on her face as you groan, knowing exactly what sheâs about to say next, âthat means a certain Jeong Jaehyun will probably be following him back as well. And likely other kids in their year too from SNU⌠holy shit, the parties are gonna be literally insane this summer.â She throws her head back in elation as the realization strikes the three of you at once.
âYouâre so right,â Mark covers his mouth to hide the smug grin taking over his face. He makes a heart with his hands as he observes you. âI canât believe that I forgot Miss Y/N over here had the biggest crush on Jaehyun in high school.â You hit him on the chest in response as he absolutely loses it over your misfortune.Â
âLovergirl,â he sing-songs, adding fuel to the fire while you shove your face into your palms. Your cheeks warm on their own when your mind flash-backs to your second year of high school, your insufferable crush on your brotherâs best friend surfacing memories that you had buried after they both had graduated two years ago.
âIâm leaving,â you mumble into your hands, âall you two do is make me suffer.âÂ
Chaewon grins at you before pulling your figure into a tight hug, tugging Mark in too by his shirt to join your little group.Â
âItâs out of love,â she giggles before kissing your cheek with an exaggerated muah. Turning slowly towards Mark, he lets out a, ânope nope nope,â before scrambling away from Chaewonâs outstretched arms.
Smiling at their antics, you collect your few belongings and tuck some new records under your arm before heading out of the shop. Saluting your friends goodbye and opening the front door, you cringe at the wave of heat that seeps into the cool space.Â
âSay hi to Taeyong for me, Y/N! Weâll lock up for today,â Chaewon calls out from behind the counter, sending you an air kiss when you step out into your townâs center square.
The streets buzz with life as you make the quick walk back to your house. With a brilliant sunset soaking the streets in tangerine tones and a line of quaint shopsâ wind chimes fluttering beside you, you canât bring yourself to care about the heat. The alleys you stroll down are comfy, lined with the latest pastel DeLoreans and colorful paper garlands tied along their telephone lines. Itâs a complete memory lane, and your comfy suburb â filled with traditional gaewa roofs and terracotta neutrals, clay-red stained roads and gated hanoks â hold a familiarity that no other could replace. Itâs the more cramped side of town, and you might envy Taeyongâs thrilling city life that you see through his social media, but nothing will ever beat home.
Your lace camisole sticks to your skin with fervor as you finally get to your own address, letting out a sigh of relief when cool shade encompasses you in the juniper-tinted light of the mudroom. Setting your brand-new records onto the kitchen floor, their faded titles peeking over thin paper sheaths, you make yourself comfortable on the floor as you hum to yourself. The house is quiet.
You put one of the new records into your player before your gaze drifts over to a stack of pictures on the tabletop, filtered evenly between stray letters and tacky postcards that your older brother has always had a knack for.Â
In addition to texting and calling home every month, Taeyong made it a habit a few years ago to send you the little magazine cut-outs and mini posters that he sees on his escapades, trinkets that remind him of you. Your little kitchen-counter-collection has thinned out in the past months as your brother got increasingly busier with school and his modeling jobs, barely coming home for a few days before rushing back for castings and elite functions. Nonetheless, a little orange package addressed to you would appear at your doorstep with each change of the seasons, tinged with your brotherâs cologne and topped with his messy handwriting.
Just as you place the needle on a shiny black record with Missy Elliotâs face plastered across its front, you hear the front door creak open before noises of rolling luggage and playful shouting fill the house's interior.Â
âMom, Iâm not ten anymore,â you hear Taeyong whine in the higher-pitched voice he reserves solely for family, the telltale sign of his embarrassment, âI can carry my backpack myself. Promise.â
You can imagine the scene before you even see it: your brother looking away to the window as he tries to fight the smile creeping on his face, your mother on her tip-toes as she musses with her sonâs hair even though heâs a head taller, and of course, your father leaning against the door with a content grin as his watches his wifeâs face light up with happiness that the family is together again.
When you hear their footsteps near your seated figure on the kitchen floor, you feel your brotherâs presence before you even see him.Â
Taeyong stops a few paces away from you, dropping his bag carelessly on the ground before standing with his arms outstretched and eyebrows raised. With his messy hair and airport clothes still hanging off his shoulders, your brother looks like a favorite uncle at holiday dinners when he hasnât seen his favorite niece and nephew all year.
âArenât you gonna come say hi to your best friend before you abandon me for your vinyls again,â he teases before crossing the threshold in three steps and embracing you fully. âItâs been a while, hmm rockstar?âÂ
You hum at the familiar term of endearment, sinking into his figure as your brother rocks you back and forth. You look up at him, his face looking more mature and sharp than when you saw him last.
âYou gotta catch me up on that crazy life of yours, yeah? We have all summer.â
Nodding contently, you follow your brother and parents into the dining room for dinner before settling back into the feeling of having four people at home again. Just like the old days, before Taeyong left, where your worries were limited and you allowed yourself to be childish.
âŚ
If anything makes you glad youâre alive, itâs being able to wake up at 2pm in the afternoon on a Thursday and feeling you just gained ten years. Itâs truly a blessing, and if you were a bit more religious, youâd be thanking God right now for no school and black-out curtains.
Quickly getting ready, you give one last glance at yourself in the mirror before rushing downstairs to see if anyoneâs home still. To your surprise, you catch Taeyong right as heâs opening the door to the basement.Â
âSo sheâs alive,â he calls out with an approving nod, surprised that you actually managed to wake up before the sun sets once again. You roll your eyes as you pull cereal in front of you on the kitchen table. The two of you are back to your old ways in a matter of hours, making fun of each other at every chance you get.
âItâs not my fault you donât know how to enjoy life, Tae,â you shrug, grabbing leftovers from the fridge. He simply tsks at you before walking over to affectionately ruffle your hair, drawing a complaint from you about messing it up.
âAnyway, some of my old friends are coming over today to catch up. Weâre probably gonna be downstairs for a while so just let them in the front when they come,â your brother relays, moving back towards the basement when you throw up an okay sign. He gives you a knowing look. âYouâre always welcome to join, you know. They all love you.â
You crinkle your nose at the idea. Sure, youâre pretty familiar with most of Taeyongâs high school friends, but you really arenât too keen on the idea of spending your afternoon with a bunch of older boys when you could be hanging out with Mark and Chaewon.
âIâm okay. You guys have fun, though.â
Resuming your attention on your food, you open the front door a couple times over the next hour for said boys. Their features chiseled, styles changed, and voices a bit deeper, theyâre all caught by surprise when you open the door for them (Yutaâs inability to recognise you at all really takes the cake). You suppose that a lot can change in two years.
After the seventh ring of the doorbell, you sigh in exasperation before making your way to the front once again. You grumble under your breath before opening the door, the bitter expression wiping right off your face when you see the two figures in front of you.
âJohnny!â
âY/N,â the familiar boy exclaims, his towering stature enveloping you in a warm hug before pulling back and examining your growth. âLook whoâs all pretty and grown! You look so much like Taeyong now that itâs scary,â he beams at you while turning your face side to side with his hands, and you canât help but return it. If anyone was as much of an older brother figure as your real one was, it would be Johnny.Â
âHey,â a voice sounds out besides him after a few moments of Johnnyâs compliments, startling you, and your eyes finally flick over to the subject of your teenage yearsâ daydreams. Your heart floods with a jittery feeling when he reaches out to give you a hug. âItâs nice to see you again, Y/N.âÂ
Jeong Jaehyun hasnât changed a bit since you last saw him at your brotherâs graduation.Â
His hair is a bit longer now, dark brown curls shimmering gold in the sunlight and his ears now adorned with more silver studs and rings. But the sun-kissed freckles dusting his nose, the deep-set dimples, the starry eyes â theyâre exactly the same as you remember.
Heâs still breathtaking.
Johnny bursts your little moment as he grabs your arm to lead you back into your house, pulling both you and Jaehyun along with him to the basement entrance.Â
Even though youâre painfully aware of your fingers nervously playing with the bracelets on your wrist, itâs true that these boys practically watched you grow up. Even when you look at a certain brown-eyed boy, your whole world feels like it's stopping. Even when your stupid childhood crush on your brotherâs best friend was supposed to be gone by now. You know them, and they know you.
After Johnny and Jaehyun disappear down the stairs with a small goodbye and the invitation to join them once again, you head back up to your own room, collapsing onto your bed and staring up at the glow-in-the-dark stars plastered across your ceiling.Â
You remember your brother and Jaehyun setting them up for you many years ago, their young figures using your bed as leverage to stick them on when you were still too short to reach. You had handed each star carefully to the boys, making sure the adhesive side was up before telling them where to place each one. They waited patiently for you to give them every star until the whole box was empty, the three of you high fiving before you had thanked them enthusiastically. Taeyong had simply pinched your cheek and said, âanything for my baby sister,â before pulling Jaehyun away to play another video game in the living room.Â
Taeyong was a kind older brother, never complaining when your mother told him to bring you with him and his friends on their little adventures. Occasionally he found you annoying, but his friends never minded your presence, so he couldnât find a reason to either. You were integrated into their daily outings, the boys taking turns talking and playing games with you as the days progressed.
You think your liking to Jaehyun started then: when your young mind easily confused admiration with puppy love. Your brotherâs friends were the nicest boys you had met, certainly nicer than the boys in your class at school. Jaehyun specifically always made sure you were comfortable, making silly faces at you when your eyes met across the room and remembering to bring you snacks from across the street when he got some for his best friend. He was perfect in your eyes.
When you started hanging out more with your own friends as you got older, things never really changed regarding your feelings for the boy. Your secret crush was still as prominent as ever, eyes following his mess of hair whenever he passed you in the hallway at school; it didnât help that his name was passed around no matter what year you were. Jaehyun this and Jaehyun that, you were definitely not the only girl whose heartbeat stopped whenever he looked their way. He was polite, confident, and undeniably charming, your schoolâs beloved basketball team captain and a favorite of teachers: the kind of boy everyone wanted to be out of envy, but couldnât. He was truly untouchable. Your classmates would stare at you in awe when he waved at you through the classroom entrance, telling you how lucky you were that your brother and his group were so cool and how you had guys like Jaehyun over all the time.Â
But it wasnât like it was any different at home, where he would smile at you just the same as you worked on your homework in the kitchen before retreating back into the basement with Taeyong.Â
Even though fifteen year-old you thought your feelings were pretty damn strong at that time, the age gap felt a bit too gaping where kids two years older felt worlds away. By seventeen, they were already off driving and taking weekend trips, your brotherâs license making leeway for nights when he and his friends wouldnât return until sunrise. It felt a little bit like you had been left behind, and yeah, it sucked, but you decided right then and there that you could have fun without them. Taeyongâs friends werenât necessarily yours in the first place, and you came to the realization that it might have been strange for you to be so close with them at an older age anyway.
If you were sad about not seeing Jaehyun in particular too much anymore, you tried not to show it. Your best friends â Mark and Chaewon â had always known, teasing you relentlessly when the older boy was around, but the idea of him was only a lingering thought at the back of your mind when he graduated. Your ears still perked up hearing his name in passing, but you had your own problems to consume your thoughts and started getting into a new genre of trouble with your friends; the idea of Jaehyun was supposed to be dead and buried six feet under.
So then why was he plaguing your mind like this after years of successfully not thinking about him?
You groan and throw an arm over your face.
Shit.
âŚ
âMy little film-maker,â a voice pops up from above you, the grinning face of your brother accompanying it as he surprises you into oblivion. You make a face up at him and offer a reluctant little wave before returning back to your camcorder, zooming in on Chaewon beside you.
Youâre on the asphalt outside your house again. The airâs cooler today, a gray sheet of clouds blocking any of the sunâs rays from reaching your golden trio. With your head on Markâs legs, he strums his guitar gently as Chaewon hums along to the familiar tunes. Her hands are busy on their own, one arm out while her other uses markers to draw a garden into her skin with washed-out blues and oranges.Â
You turn the camera around to point at Taeyong, the said boy poking his tongue out before plopping down beside Mark.
âI feel like I always find you guys on the ground,â he mutters, observing the way Mark strums his instrument with care and experience. Your friend looks a little intimidated with the proximity of Taeyong leaning towards him, but he plays on nevertheless.
You shrug. âItâs more comfortable.â
âAnd weâre a little closer to Hell down here,â Chaewon adds on with a grin, pausing from her flesh-art to look up at Taeyong. âWeâll all be heading there soon anyway.â
âSmart girl,â he laughs out, throwing his head back to stare into the sky. He stays there for a good moment before jumping back up onto his feet and twirling a shiny set of car keys around his fingers. âAnyway, Iâm afraid Iâll have to steal Y/N for a bit,â your brother fakes a trail of tears down his cheek with his fist. âDonât miss her too much.â
âNever,â Mark smirks at you, reaching out to pat your arm affectionately when you let out an offended, Oscar worthy sob at his words.Â
âDonât have more fun with him than you do with us, babe,â she calls out as Taeyong drags you off. You salute her back before she turns back to her painting.
Stumbling behind your brother to catch up with his long strides, your eyebrows raise when you catch sight of his infamous red Cadillac parked down the winding road. You grip on tighter to your camcorder before jogging up to the passenger side, ready to swing your legs over the side of the convertible.Â
âNot so fast,â Taeyong calls out, amused, as he strolls up casually to the driver's side. âWeâre picking up some of the guys and Johnny already called shotgun yesterday. Take it up with him, rockstar.â
You splutter indignantly before crossing to the backseat with a huff, sinking into the carâs tan, leather seats and crossing your arms. âNot fair, Tae,â you complain at him before he starts the engine, starting off in the direction of an area youâve never been before. âWhere are we even going?â
He doesnât answer.
Soon enough, three more bodies crowd into your brotherâs car after dropping by Jungwooâs condo, the boy squishing into the back with you as Jaehyun of all people slides into the seat on the other side of you. They offer smiles and quick greetings to you before the car takes off once again.Â
His proximity hits you far harder than Jungwooâs, and you know exactly why. You keep your head tilted away from him as you try to focus on Johnny in the front seat, whoâs passionately retelling an encounter he had at the supermarket this morning. Itâs incredibly hard when Jaehyun moves and his thigh touches yours, fifteen year-old you coming back to life within you and screaming all sorts of insane things at your brain. You can physically feel his warmth radiating off his skin.Â
ââso we both reach out at the same time, and luckily, I snatch the crate right before her hands do. But,â Johnny pauses to look through the rearview mirror for dramatic effect, his shades glinting as the Cadillac speeds through dusty roads. âYou wonât believe who those hands belonged to.â
He stills with the skill of an A-list actor, reaching up to pluck the sunnies off his face and stare right into Jaehyunâs eyes through the silver glass.
âLim Saemi.â
Everybody has a different reaction to the name-drop, with Jungwoo and Taeyongâs gasp and your muffled noise ringing out as your eyes widen in the slightest. You try to glance at Jaehyun subtly, and his face doesnât flicker a bit from its usual stoic expression, but you can feel him tense up next to you before relaxing a few seconds later. He appears seemingly unphased, and if you had not been watching carefully from out of the corner of your eye you would have fallen for it.
You know better, though.
âOh? Is she back home for the summer too?â Jaehyun throws out casually, tucking his chin in his hand as he looks out through the wind.Â
âWait Jae⌠you didnât know? I thought if anyone would know first, it would be you,â Jungwoo leans back, surprised at this new development. âEven I knew, and everyone knows I donât catch onto shit.â
âItâs whatever,â Jaehyun mumbles, deflecting the weird looks he receives. He ends the conversation with two words, and the car falls into silence with the only noises being those from tires against gravel. You glance at him before staring straight forward through the dash.
You know Lim Saemi.
Who doesnât, in all honesty. Saemi is Saemi, and youâd be the weird one if you hadnât heard her name at least once throughout your school years. She was like straight out of a Dior catalog. With as much impact as your older brother and his posse had left, she was everything all the girls in your year wanted to be: too pretty to be unnecessarily shallow, too smart to use her looks irrationally.Â
You remember Lim Saemi.
Sheâs two years older, like Taeyong and Jaehyun and Johnny. She was the girl who was occasionally over at your house during parties when your brother would force you upstairs, her bleached hair and delicate features drawing in everyone immediately. You remember watching from the top of the stairwell as her figure still captured attention in the darkness of winterâs pitch black nights. From your outside point of view, it was like she was the center of a spindling web that stretched throughout the bottom floor of your house; people just couldnât help but be lured to her.
You wanted to be Lim Saemi.
Just for one day. You needed to know what it felt like to be the center of a certain boyâs affections, even though she attracted every other personâs along the way as well. She was a different type of suburban it-girl, one that everyone was sure would get snatched up into the celebrity world sooner or later with the way she carried herself.
You knew that Jaehyun and Saemi had always been âjust friendsâ â or at least that was what they told everyone â but you could tell he had liked her throughout their high school years. How could you not, especially when you looked at him the same way he looked at her. Back then, it was more curiosity about their complicated relationship than hate fueled jealousy for you. You still couldnât help but imagine him treating you with the affection he did with her; even as a teenager, you understood why. And ironically, as you sit in the backseat of your brotherâs car with the very boy right beside you, the bubbling feeling of envy is uncomfortable in your gut.
Shaking your head out of your retrospective thoughts, you look around in confusion when the convertible starts to slow on a thinning road, towering evergreens blocking the sky from view.
Leading the car through another winding path, it emerges on the other side within acres of grassy fields and wildflower paths that circles a grandiose, central estate home. Marble blocks stretch across its stone ledges like ivy â an intimidating facade if youâve ever seen one. Taeyong looks at you through the rearview mirror. His eyes crease in pride when he sees the wonder in yours, enraptured by the sight before you.Â
âRemember when Johnny said that heâd always wanted to go to a local car show?â your brother starts, grinning at his friend beside him. âWell, yours truly saw an ad at the record shop yesterday for one just outside of town. Someone compliment me, I feel like I just made all of our afternoons a thousand times better.â
âThis is actually insane, Yong,â Jungwoo breathes out, eyes widening at the unfamiliar setting.Â
Retro cars of all brands and models are parked across an acre, their shiny coats glinting in the sun as masses of people linger near and talk amongst themselves. The white pillars of whoeverâs home is hosting the car show serves as a gathering place for lovers to mingle, precariously held champagne flutes an ironic contrast to the grit and dirt of the event itself.
Johnny lets out a low whistle before resting his weight on the center console and lowering his sunglasses, observing the scene.Â
âThis is exactly my type of place. Old, rich people and hot girls.âÂ
âOh my god, Johnny,â you laugh out, not at all surprised that those words came from his mouth.Â
You tear your gaze away from the outside view to look at Jaehyun after hearing his embarrassed groan at Johnnyâs words. To your surprise, heâs already looking at you. With his piercing gaze on your face, you look away, flustered, playing it off with a small cough.
Taeyong parks his timeless Cadillac besides others of the same nature before leaving to roam around with Johnny and Jungwoo, buzzing with excitement. Itâs no surprise that they make their way over to the group of girls huddled around a vintage truck model first, their giggles ringing out across the field as they throw sly glances to the boys headed their way. You catch sight of your brother leaning towards one in particular before deciding youâve seen enough and turning to explore by yourself.
Thrilled to be left to your own devices, you follow your own little path off to the side towards a pastel-colored Corvette that had caught your eye earlier. Circling it for a few minutes and capturing it slowly through the lens of your camcorder, you smile happily to yourself while replaying the footage in the shade of a lonely willow tree. The cool breeze brings tangs of clementines and vanilla â from where, you donât know â as well as the unmistakable scent of petrol and cigarettes as it picks up pieces of your hair before rustling the leaves of the willow.
âCan I see?â a familiar voice startles you. You look up to see Jaehyunâs lean figure making his way over to your crouched one, gesturing to your open camera with his head tilted. âIf youâre comfortable, of course,â he adds, the corners of his lips quirking up. Mouth agape slightly for a few seconds, you shake yourself out of your momentary funk and nod, thrilled at his interest.
âThe colors show up really well with this lighting, especially âcuz I just changed my saturation settings,â you mumble, stopping yourself when you realize he probably doesnât care that much. Tucking your knees to your chest, you wait nervously as you hand the device to him.
You think your heartbeat just about stops when he replies with a âthatâs so coolâ under his breath.
Jaehyun holds the camera carefully to his chest before sitting down beside you, leaning against the tree trunk before flipping through your gallery. He takes his time watching every little video clip and picture, giving you a little noise of approval every few clicks.Â
Youâre caught off guard when he sighs and puts the camcorder back in your lap, turning to you with the most serious expression youâve ever seen grace his features.Â
âY/N, you seriously might be better at this shit than the literal mixed media majors at my uni,â he deadpans. Taken aback, you canât stop the rosy warmth that creeps up your cheeks. âIâm being so for real right now. Donât ever stop.â
You pause.
âDo you know how reassuring that is to hear, especially from you?â you say with sincerity, holding eye contact with him.
âHmm? Really, me?â
âYeah. It feels like Iâm doing something right, like Iâm not wasting my time on a fruitless hobby.â Confessing one of your biggest fears to someone whoâs familiar to you but not, close to you but not â now thatâs probably one of the craziest things youâve done this week, and you do a whole lot of crazy things in a week.
Jaehyunâs expression changes with your words. He doesnât reply for a while, just seeming to take in the world around him with only his eyes. Looking from the drooping branches of the willow to its dirt-ingrained roots, his face is cast downwards with a faint, melancholic smile.
Now the mood is ruined, you think to yourself, bitter. Why do I always do this?
Before you can change the subject and move on from your awkward burt-out, he clears his throat.Â
âYou know, I admire you a lot Y/N. You and Taeyong,â he starts, the slim chain around his neck glittering in the afternoon sun when he turns back to you. âBoth of you have always been unafraid to pursue the arts, even though I know how your strict parents are about future careers and all that. I wish I had the courage to just⌠do what I like instead of being a pushover with my dad. Maybe I would be doing music with your brother instead of barely living day by day in pre-med.â
His usual confident eyes are tinged with regret and a little vulnerability as he ruffles his hair in the wind. You tilt your head at him, trying to come up with comforting words when you arenât so sure if youâre qualified to give him advice in the first place.
âWell⌠I admire you a lot, Jaehyun. Youâve always been that one person who consistently looks like they have their life in check, someone whoâs able to put their all in everything that they do. Itâs really a quality to be proud of,â you say to him honestly. âI think youâll do well wherever you end up. So donât worry too much, okay?â
The boy stares at you like no oneâs ever said that to him, and no one has; even if this might be a passing comment for you, itâs something that he feels relief to finally hear.
âThanks.â He says it so quietly that you almost miss it, but you can hear the gratefulness in his voice nevertheless. You both look away for a few seconds when a brilliant yellow bird flutters past the two of you, settling on the ground in front to peck at a white speck in the soil. âPretty,â he mumbles under his breath, blinking at the animal.
And with that, Jaehyun shakes his head a bit before resuming back to his relaxed demeanor. He lets out a breath of air and runs his tongue over his teeth.Â
âSorry for getting so deep all of a sudden,â he apologies, sheepishly rubbing his neck as you let out a little laugh.
âNo, itâs nice to hear that the Valentine Boy has troubles too,â you tease lightly, recalling the God-like aura he used to carry 24/7 when you were younger and the nick-name that followed him around as a result. Jaehyun visibly cringes at your words, no doubt getting high school flashbacks.
âNot that,â he replies, embarrassed. âAnyway, I feel like I havenât gotten the chance yet to ask you how youâve been these past few years.â You glance up at him in surprise. He sounds strangely sincere for someone you werenât that close with out of your brotherâs friends, and the confusion must show on your face because he finds it in himself to clarify. âOh come on, Y/N. I feel like weâve known each other since forever but Iâve missed a crucial part of your growing up. Youâre like a whole different person now.â
âIâd hope so,â you lament, fiddling with your camcorder. âIâve gone through too much shit to be the same as sixteen-year old me.â Jaehyun laughs out loud at your answer, knowing exactly how you feel as someone who was once a fresh, high school graduate.
âYeah? Well it seems like just yesterday when you were complaining about being bored after school from not having enough homeworkââ he stumbles over his words when you push his body with a light shove, the boy barely able to get breaths in with how much heâs laughing at your past cluelessness of how hard high school would really be.
âNone of you guys warned me about the horror of calculus, so that is not my fault Jaehyun,â you pout, shaking your head at him.
âSo itâs my fault?â he smiles, questioning your statement.
âYes.â A lie.
âAnd Iâm the reason why you almost failed second semester math?â
âYes.â Another lie. Wait. âWhatâ how do you even know about that?â You demand, incredulous. Jaehyun just raises his eyebrows and hides his growing grin behind his hand. âFucking Lee Taeyong.â
He looks overjoyed at your seething, playfully poking out his bottom lip in a mock-frown before getting up and dusting off his pants. Offering a hand to you, Jaehyun uses his strength to pull you to your feet; youâre hyper-aware of the warmth of his palm as your hands linger for a millisecond before he pulls away.Â
Iâm so screwed, you think to yourself, blinking at the sky with fervor. Shaking your head, you tuck your hand to your side and try not to think of his skin on yours.
âTheyâre finally done flirting,â he notes with a hum, making an acute observation as you both spy the three other boys heading back to the car, their reluctant forms obvious when you see one girl hold up her hands in a âcall meâ sign.
Smirking, you skip ahead of Jaehyun before turning back and waving your wallet at him.
â25000 won that weâll see one of those girls walk out of Taeâs room tomorrow morning,â you chant as Jaehyun jogs to catch up with you. Chuckling, he pushes your wallet away.
âNah, that man doesnât give a fuck about the time of day. 25000 that sheâs gonna be at your house in twenty,â he counters, snorting when you gag at the thought.
You canât help but light up at his content face; this feels like this is the first time youâve ever had a real, honest to goodness, conversation with him as a young adult.
And youâre in trouble, because you think you like it more than you should.
âŚ
âI did it,â Chaewon confesses over the phone, the sound of a knife against a chopping board from her end revealing her current position.
âWhat,â you inquire, âyou finally passed your license test?â
âShut the fuck up.â
âNever.â You flash a wicked grin at the sheet music in your hands, shuffling through the never-ending leaflets.Â
When Taeyong had said heâd pay you to organize his papers, you clearly werenât thinking straight enough to be saying yes to this hell. Heâs been out for an hour already and not even a third of the pile is sorted through. You slump forward on the couch and shake out your tired hands, groaning when your knuckle hits the coffee table with a painful thump.
âFor your information, I donât need to drive. Hot girls take public transportation,â she retorts with a humph.
âCanât argue with you there, passenger princess.â
âOh please, I can literally feel the sarcasm dripping from your voice.â
You laugh, a âyou know me, Chaeâ accompanying the sound ringing out through your empty house. Gathering Taeyongâs work into your arms and dumping the rest on the table, you slide onto the carpeted ground with a sigh. Your bones are overly sore from sitting for too long and the couches seams have made painful, little white imprints on your thighs. With a click of your tongue, you inwardly curse your brother for offering such good deals to a minimum wage paid, about-to-be uni kid, or else you wouldn't be spending a perfectly good Saturday afternoon on whatever this is.
âSo,â you prompt, âwhat did you do this time.â
âHa,â Chaewon starts.
âIâm scared.â
âRan into Jaehyun today.â
âAaand thatâs my cue to hang up now,â you sing, slipping the phone between your shoulder and ear, the warm device tucked neatly in the crevice of your neck before you hear the sound of your doorbell ringing out.Â
âWaitââ
âHold on for a sec, Chae. Someoneâs at the door.âÂ
You will yourself to get up from the carpet before making your way over to the front of the house, preparing yourself for a blast of hot summer air to hit you. The silver knob twists under your hand as you swing the door open slowly, expecting the mailman or a delivery on your front porch. Certainly notâ
ââHey.â
Your eyes flick up in surprise.
âOh shit,â Chaewon whispers over the phone. âThatâs not who I think it is, right?â
Itâs been a week since you last saw Jaehyun face to face, and your conflicted inner thoughts have been battling in your conscience for the entirety of it. Well, this isnât great.
âHi Jaehyun,â you manage to sound out, mentally chastising yourself for sounding so nervous.
âAnd thatâs my cue to hang up now,â the voice at the other end of your call snickers, the long beep of it ending blaring into your ear.Â
Your arm drops to your side, phone in hand, as you stare pointedly at Chaewonâs contact info lighting up the screen, her eyes mocking you through her profile picture. Jaehyun lifts an eyebrow as he looks between your phone and your face, seemingly questioning if youâre currently busy through his eyes alone.
âUmmâŚâ your gaze flits around in flusteration, looking just about anywhere but him. âTaeyongâs not home right now, if thatâs why youâre here.â
âOh? Do you know when heâll be back?â he asks, relaxed as he leans his body against the doorframe.
âHeâs picking up stuff from Johnnyâs across town, so like,â you glance up at the clock, âan hour? I could uh⌠call you when he gets back if you want.â
Jaehyun simply pokes his tongue into his cheek in contemplation before tucking his hands into his pockets.
âNah, itâs okay. Iâll just stay.â With a small smile, he adds on, âif you're okay with that, of course.â
You peer past him to see his shiny black Mustang sitting in front of your house, before returning to your original position and shrugging at the foyer. Losing your shyness momentarily as you let out a puff of air, you follow Jaehyun in before deciding to answer.
âMy company is a blessing in itself, isnât it,â you think out loud, displaying a cheeky smile when Jaehyun turns around to playfully scoff at you.
âNow thatâs a sure thing, Y/N.âÂ
The boy seats himself on one of the kitchen barstools and places his chin in his hand, leaning over the counter to stare at you as you busy yourself with the fridge.
In all honesty, you werenât prepared to see him again. Heâs already been occupying your mind a little too much for your liking during this past week, the idea of his return to your life teetering you on the edge of insanity. You didnât know high school crushes hit that hard two years later, and it certainly doesnât help that his golden skin and constellation of tawny freckles have made an almost daily appearance in the Lee household â just like the old times.
âI think we still have that special glass-bottled lemonade from the farmerâs market last weekend, unless,â you pause, sifting through the multitude of items in the ice box. âYup. Nevermind. Taeyong finished all of them.â
Jaehyun snorts, already familiar with his best friendâs midnight tendencies of clearing out the fridge whenever, wherever.
âWe also have water? And um⌠milk. And Vodka.â
âThis sounds like Yutaâs fridge, and that thought alone is like, genuinely terrifying,â Jaehyun observes from behind you. You shake your head, recalling the first time you saw the said boyâs freezer stash of condiments and liquor at a house party a few years ago. Only condiments and liquor.
âOh! And cold noodles,â you hold up the container with a little shake. âI remember you liking my momâs version of them,â you mumble quietly, willing yourself to turn around when the cold air from the fridge starts to sting your eyes.
Jaehyun observes you curiously, a question at the tip of his tongue. You remember?
He stops himself from blurting it out when you seat yourself across from him and push the container towards his direction.
âYou practically live here anyway. Help yourself,â you say a bit louder, embarrassed about the fact that you remember such a miniscule detail about him.
You squint at the countertop â which you honestly wish would swallow you whole â as Jaehyun moves around you to pour himself a glass of water. His muscles strain against his loose t-shirt as he moves around your kitchen with familiarity, and you turn away with wide eyes when you realize youâve spaced out while staring at his back.
Itâs a situation that younger you would have never imagined; you had simply never been left in a room with him alone. Your brother and his other friends were always there, a subtle reminder of the distance between you two and the fact that he was probably still worlds away.
But youâre an adult now, and itâd be a lie if you said that you donât want Jaehyun to notice you in that way.
Feelings are too complicated to think about sober. You grimace to yourself, pressing two fingers against your temple as you lean your cheek against the cool, hard marble of the countertop.
âY/N?â you lift your head up at your name, flinching back in surprise when Jaehyunâs face appears at the edge of your vision, his figure buzzing with excitement as he gapes at you. âThis is yours, right?â
Your eyes drift to the black canisters in his palm. My film.
âOh yeahâ wait. I forgot to develop those ones,â you make your way over and take the undeveloped film rolls into your hands, the boy observing you with wide eyes.
âThatâs sick. Do you develop them yourself?âÂ
âHm? Nah, I bring them to the camera store downtown. Left them in the fridge to preserve for a while so they should be good to go now.â
Itâs only when you look up from the canisters that you spy his expression, the pure giddiness painted on his features catching you off guard. Jaehyunâs body language tells you that he is unnervingly thrilled about his new discovery.
âYou were never into this kind of stuff when Taeyong and I were still here in high school,â he brings up slowly, letting the words sit on his tongue before following you when you head towards the stairs. âIf I had knownâŚâ he trails off, pursing his lips to the side so that his notorious dimples show.
You peer at him over your nose bridge curiously. If he had known, he would've what?
Jaehyun pokes his tongue into his cheek and furrows his brows, thinking about the times when he was over at your house after school and you would be nowhere to be seen. Is the dark room where you were, or were you out taking pictures at the rink and shooting short films with your friends? Maybe at the park with your old camcorder and skateboard? The fact that he never knew about so many of your hobbies is almost troubling considering how long heâs known you, and it makes him shift in place. He supposes he never really took the time to know his best friendâs little sister, but looking at you as you stare back, youâre so much more than that.Â
Had you always shared so much in common?
âWell, imma go upstairs and watch a movie,â you resume your climb before pointing upward. âYou can come up until Tae comes home, if you want?â
The boy glances at the door momentarily, contemplating how Taeyong would react if he found him in his sisterâs room. Would he kill me? Maybe.
He shrugs. Fuck it, I could totally beat him in a fight, Jaehyun reasons, smiling to himself. He doesnât know how he reached that conclusion, but he thinks heâs joking. Mostly.
âThe real question is, whatâre we watching? If itâs some romcom shit Iâm leaving,â Jaehyun raises a challenging brow with his smirk as he follows you nonetheless, hand following yours dangerously close on the wooden handrail.
âNot my problem youâve got no taste.â
âOh please,â he rolls his eyes, pushing his body into view as you push open your bedroom door, âI might actually die if I see DiCaprioâs face one more time, and you canât tell me itâs not you that has all of his movies in the living room cabinet, âcause theyâre definitely not your brotherâs.â
âThat seems a bit of a personal issue between you and him, Jaehyun,â you let out a laugh with your words. Turning around to flick on the light switch, youâre met with his face closer than it was before. âWhat.â
âWhat?â he repeats, almost mockingly. âOh, sweetheart. You think this face isnât DiCaprio level?â
Your face heats up without your consent, flustered at the sudden proximity and the fact that you most definitely think Jaehyunâs better than all of your favorite actors combined. You would never admit that to him for the life of you, though.
You swallow before pushing him lightly, making your way into the center of your bedroom.
âAdmit it,â he sings, not giving up as he relentlessly parks himself in front of you with his legs set further apart so that he can look at you at eye level. âI bet even Ji Chang-wookâs got nothing on me.â
âWoah woah woah,â you gasp in offense, throwing a hand up to your chest. âNow thatâs crossing the line, buddy. Ji Chang-wookâs got something on everybody.â
âI bet,â Jaehyun drawls out sarcastically, eyes flipping to the ceiling ludicrously slow. He seems to glitch for a few seconds, mouth open but no words coming out. âEspecially with the way his face is plastered⌠on⌠your ceiling? You fall asleep to that?â
Your eyes widen when you have the sudden realization that Jeong Jaehyun is in your room, in your personal space, looking at your things. And that most certainly includes the poster of Ji Chang-wook next to the plastic stars above your bed, glassy, plastic-y eyes staring down at your ruffley bed sheets and everything. In your defense, it was the result of a lost dare â but he doesnât know that. Wow, you think to yourself, regretting all of your life decisions, Iâm just so good at first impressions.
âYes,â you give up somewhat dejectedly, offering him a (hopefully) confident smile before pulling a projector from under your bed and setting it up on your bedside table.
Jaehyun just shrugs and seats himself on your bed, muttering a little âcuteâ that you miss before observing as you give the machine a few good slaps so itâll turn on. Settling against the wall, he lets his eyes flutter over your decor and multitude of things plastered across every inch of your space. If anything, the way your roomâs changed since the last time he was in it gives him an outlook into your life that he wouldn't have known otherwise.Â
From the blockbuster movie ads on your door to the unfiltered sunlight reflecting off your mirror, the shoelaces tied around your closet door to the origami threaded around your ceiling fan, he feels like heâs falling. Maybe, just maybe, he even finds a bit of himself in the painted shoe boxes shoved under your desk and your circular record shelf. Even the stars he and Taeyong stuck on years ago are still there too. He recognizes bits and pieces here and there, but thrown together in one place, a cohesive picture forms in front of him. Itâs suffocating â in a good way â as if heâs been thrown into the unknown and is hit with a new side of you at full force; everything, everywhere, all at once.
âHa!â you exclaim, holding out a fist for Jaehyun to bump when your projector flickers on. With a bright grin, you flop onto the bed beside him and wait for the whirring of the projector to start with a hollow click.
The beginning few seconds of the film youâve chosen roll onto your makeshift movie screen, a white sheet hanging by its threads from your vanity, as the bright images light up your figures with a burning white.
Jaehyun figures out what youâve done just as a familiar face blurs into view, the moving calligraphy of The Great Gatsby scrawled across your bedroom wall while you poke out your tongue at him, high off of the mere fact that youâve gotten your way. You hear him let out a defeated sigh from beside you, his knee hitting yours as he settles into your comforter nevertheless.
âSharp as hell, arenât you. I shouldâve known DiCaprio would show up in my sight sooner or later.â
âŚ
Summer tastes like melted sugar crystals in cherry garcia â or rather, summer tastes like Mark Leeâs Strawberry-Rouge Extravaganza, the latest, state-of-the-art item on his Record Shop menu. When you ask why the random French is thrown in there, he defends himself adamantly, claiming that his three years of secondary French language classes have practically made him a local.
âItâs like a metaphor for saying, âI love you,ââ Mark claims with sass, even though you donât make the connection (âThatâs not what a metaphor isâŚ?â you mumble quizzically under your breath). He ignores the weird look you throw at him and goes back to his mixing on the counter of the cashier station. âAnd it feels like a warm hug, because what better to express that than sparkly, drunk goodness.â
âWow,â Chaewon deadpans, not even looking up from her nails that sheâs painting right next to him. The mix of nail polish and liquor makes you scrunch your nose as you organize the main display, a rotating shelf that headlines Blondie. âYou should be a poet. You have such a way with words.â
âI donât need your negativity in my life, girly.â You almost choke on air when you hear a sharp snap of Chaeâs gum in retaliation, her icy glare making Mark wilt under her gaze.Â
Their intense, non-verbal argument is saved by the dinging of a customer opening the door to the shop. You whip around to greet them only for your words to die right in your throat. Two silhouettes step in, their tall stature and familiar features blocking the sun from shining through the entranceway.
ââŚJaehyun, Jungwoo! How are you guys?â Mark offers when he sees you fall silent.
The two greet happily right back, sliding past you to pat him on the back and exchange handshakes. Jaehyun lingers by your side for a little, holding his fist out for you to tap like you did just the other day in your room.
âWe knew weâd find you guys in here,â Jungwoo laments, looking around the shelves before his eyes land on Markâs⌠setup. You have to admit, this one looks a bit more pleasant than his past drink recipes, and you can tell that Jungwoo agrees wholeheartedly. His hand lingers on a bottle of sparkling vanilla wine as Mark slices red fruit ardently with a plastic, cafeteria knife. A paper cup holds the rest of his special ingredients: rock candy on wooden sticks, shattered candy hearts, and star-shaped ice cubes. Youâd be lying if you didnât admit that it looked delicious, like something you would order at a beach-side bar.Â
Jungwoo seems to find the situation amusing, a trio of barely-adults passing slow, withering days in their own little makeshift paradise. Leaning against the countertop like heâs on the cover of Parisian Vogue, he nicks his baseball cap up a bit higher to look into the three of yoursâ eyes better.
âJohnnyâs throwing a party.â
Thatâs all anyone needs to say before Chaewonâs attention is snagged, her eyes gaining an undeniable gleam.
âWeâre going,â she speaks for everyone in the room, especially looking you square in the eyes as if saying, youâre not escaping this time, young lady.
âMhm,â Jaehyun confirms, a hand rubbing at his pulse as he swings an arm over Jungwooâs shoulders. âA fancy mixer, kinda, the day after tomorrow. Weâll have all the booze, so the only thing you need to bring is yourself.â
âAnd,â the latter chimes in, âitâs at Johnnyâs countryside estate, so yâall can do whatever illegal shit you kids get yourself into without worrying about anything.â
Chaewon lets out a small scoff at his words, mumbling a âwe still do here it anywayâ under her breath and throwing a knowing look at the alcohol in front of Mark thatâs very blatantly in every passerbyâs sight.
As Jungwoo relays more information about the plans to them at the front of the shop, Jaehyun turns to follow your path as you diligently place records back in their places in the depths of the store.Â
âDo you wear silver or gold?âÂ
You jump at his appearance out of nowhere, glancing at him with a certain hesitation at his question. Your confusion as to how this topic appeared so suddenly is painted blatantly across your face as you close the last turntable with a click.Â
âWhy?â You pause. âBut both. Depends on my mood.â
âBecause this is yours now.â
He reaches into his jeansâ front pocket, pulling out something in his fist before reaching for your hand and dropping a small, plastic ring in the middle of it.Â
Itâs neon orange and ugly as hell, like something you would find stuck to gum on the underbelly of a school desk. But hey, who are you to complain when Jaehyun looks so pleased at himself as he looks between your face and the ring, trying to gauge your reaction to his surprise gift. And, youâre definitely not complaining when itâs a gift from Jaehyun himself.
âThank youâŚ? Also,â you squint, picking up the ring to slide onto your pointer finger, âthis isnât silver or gold.â He shrugs half heartedly.
âSucks to suck.â
You kick the tip of his Converse as he laughs with his whole body, the boyâs deep voice filling the small space.Â
âItâs from the coin toy machine outside,â he explains. With a broad grin, he pulls his other hand from out of his pocket and waves it in your face. The whole rainbow has found its home on his fingers, all silly swirls and squiggles of nylon with glued on googly-eyes half falling off.
Itâs the pure childish elation you share which makes you unknowingly sink deeper and deeper into the ocean that is Jeong Jaehyun, and you would have felt the metaphorical gasps of air your lungs so desperately need if not for the momentary distractions he provides.Â
You suppose all of this is your own doing anyway.Â
âŚ
It feels as though Autumn has made a reverse pit-stop in the middle of summer.Â
If not obvious by the way the seasonal trees are drooping with a sudden dewy chill, itâs the sudden absence of people in general that serves as a telltale sign. Thereâs almost no cars on the road, fewer students out and about, and less frequent public transportation.Â
The last one in particular really speaks to Jaehyun.
Scrunching his nose at the crisp air, he exits the hole-in-the-wall cafĂŠ he usually frequents when heâs bored, the biting coldness of a mid-August day unfamiliar to him. The boy spent almost the entire day inside; switching between staring at the weather app on his computer and deleting emails from his overflowing inbox for two hours wasnât the way he thought heâd spend the afternoon, but alas, waiting that long at the crumbling bus stop wasnât ideal either. He much prefers being warm, caffeinated, and pretending to read a scientific journal than freezing his ass off on a metal bench.Â
Anyone would think the same, Jaehyun shrugs to himself⌠at least until he starts nearing said bench.
Jaehyun stops mid-step when he spots something strange, side-eyeing the undeniably familiar blob crouching at the bus stop approaching on the right.
Why? Well, it's swathed in an oversized hoodie, has a keychain-ful backpack hanging low on its shoulders, and is suspiciously Y/N-shaped.
And if that doesnât tell him anything, well, the way your eyes go comically wide when you turn to the right and coincidentally meet gazes with Jeong Jaehyun of all people definitely does. Itâs the way heâs standing there like a runway model with his hood over his head, dimples on full show as he raises his eyebrows at you and his expensive-looking leather bag hanging off of one shoulder that almost causes you to fall over. Luckily, you pull yourself together before something embarrassing happens, like losing your balance and crashing into the road (not that itâs happened before, of courseâŚ). Youâre well aware that you tend to get distracted easily, and youâre definitely in trouble because that man is one hell of a distraction.
Getting up quickly and dusting the invisible dust off your legs, you offer him an embarrassed wave as he approaches you.
âHow long have you been sitting there? Itâs fucking cold outside,â Jaehyun calls out, concerned, glancing down at your skirt and the way you hide your hands in your hoodie sleeves. Sidling up next to you, he bounces on the balls of his feet a little before stuffing his own hands in his pockets.
âItâs okay,â you smile down at the way your shoes match next to his on the sidewalk, âIâm used to the bipolar weather. Plus, itâs not that cold when youâve got these!â Tucking your lip between your teeth, you rustle around in your sweater-paws before popping out your hands proudly in front of you. Nestled in your palms are old hand warmers, their heat fading but worth their purpose nonetheless.
âOnly you would have hand warmers in stock during the middle of summer, Y/N,â he shakes his head in disbelief, but the smile threatening to take over his face makes his eyes crinkle up in amusement.
âMhm,â you say, distracted as you see the bus pull up to the sidewalk from down the road, âIâve got a whole box in my backpack. Who knows, maybe an ice storm will hit one day and Iâll be the only one with hands while everyone elseâs freeze off.âÂ
He pauses in place, speechless at your comment. You simply shrug at him, as if saying thatâs the way life goes, before nodding to the bus driver and climbing up the vehicleâs steps. âDonât worry, Iâd share mine with you.â
Jaehyun lets out a breath in disbelief.Â
Your attitude is truly refreshing, and he canât even begin to describe what a breath of clean air it is to talk to you everyday; heâs used to girls coming up to him with hidden intent, their eyes tinged with lust as they disguise their interest with false pretenses and flowery words. Flattery is what it began with, but after years of receiving nothing from their end while he found himself aimlessly hoping for someone genuine and it was disappointing that he couldnât find even one. Heâd wish they would just treat him normally and act like themselves, a person not afraid to be genuine with him and let their inner child show.Â
Itâs as he observes the way you hum as you climb up and give a playful salute to the driver that he realizes youâre the perfect balance of both, the maturity in you shining admirably at the times when it is needed while never acting like something youâre not.
Jaehyun blinks at your figure before tugging on your arm to move around you, swiping his bus pass twice before you can even register whatâs happened. He lets a smug grin take over his face before pulling you to the back of the bus and plopping down beside you.
âThank you for paying for me,â you tilt your head at him, tucking your card back into your pocket. âYou didnât have to do that.â
âI wanted to, though.â
You give him a grateful smile before remembering something that you had meant to show him, pulling out the walkman you found in your grandmotherâs cellar yesterday from your backpack, a dusty old thing that still works perfectly fine. Looping its built-in headphones around your neck, you tilt the player towards him before offering him the small device. Turning it around in his hands, he gapes in undeniable awe as he taps the plastic cover with intrigue.Â
You knew heâd like it.
âI havenât seen one of these in so long. Whose grave did you raid to get this, the hell?â
âFound it yesterday in my grandparent's cellar, and before Taeyong got his hands on it. I thought that youâd find it interesting so I was planning on showing you later this week, but hey, look who I happened to run into today.â
He simply shakes his head before bringing the machine up to his eyes and popping open its cover, a finger coming up to trace the dust out of the inside of it.
âDo you have a cassette to put in it orâŚ?â he begins, looking up at you. You shake your head. âWe can go to the vintage shop downtown later to get you some, if you want.â
âReally? Youâll go with me?â
âYeah, Y/N. Youâve always got the coolest things to play around with, and we can go shove this in Yongâs face too. Heâs gonna be so jealous.â
âYou just wanna annoy my brother,â you snort, nudging his arm.
âYouâve got me there.â He holds up his hands in mock surrender before poking his tongue inside his cheek, eyebrows furrowing in thought. âOr⌠I could make you a personalized mixtape?â Your jaw drops comically, no words coming out of your mouth as you just stare at him.
âAre you being serious right now?â
âSo, so serious.â
âIf you did, I would actually lose my mind,â you finally close your mouth in amazement. âYouâd probably be my favorite person ever.â
âWell, then that would be well worth it. Iâll work on it when Iâm back in the studio at uni,â Jaehyun smiles genuinely, handing you your walkman back before swinging his leather bag back onto his shoulder as the bus pulls to a halt. With a parting pat on your shoulder, he mouths a goodbye before descending the aisle.
âThis is my stop. See you at the party, Y/N.â
âŚÂ
When you had received the call on a quiet Saturday afternoon from Mark that he and Chaewon would be leaving earlier to help set up for Johnnyâs weekend party â the one that Jungwoo and Jaehyun had only told you about just a few days prior â the possibility of not having a ride to bring you hadnât even struck yet. You were too busy thanking your friends that they had granted you two more hours for an afternoon nap, and an extra 60 minutes to get ready; a truly ideal day in your opinion.Â
Itâs only when youâve given yourself a final look in the mirror, admiring the new dress that youâve donned at the last minute, do you hear the undeniable honk of a car outside. Brushing aside the curtains and trying to get your eyes to focus in the dark, you make a noise of panic when you spy Jaehyunâs car outside your house.Â
Whatâs he doing here?
You'd spent far more time with Jaehyun in the past few days than you have in your entire lifetime, running small errands with him when Taeyong's not there and browsing through retro stores in nearby towns for old cassettes. With every hour more spent together, it felt like you were getting closer to knowing his feelings, and that in itself excited you to no end. He'd end every drive together with a knowing look and some sort of physical touch, and each goodbye left you in anticipation for the next time you'd see him.
Sprinting down the stairs and grabbing your shoes as fast as you can, you rush out into the street where the Mustangâs tinted windows prevent any passerby from making out any faces from the outside.Â
As you approach the driverâs side, the window rolls down to reveal the owner of the car.Â
âHey,â Jaehyun grins at you, his pupils dilated and the faint smell of smoke lingering on his breath.Â
It feels like forever since youâve seen him, even if itâs only been a few hours since you last saw each other. You can feel your head fog up when you fully take in his appearance; with his hair slicked back and his button-up undone to reveal sharp collarbones and a dangling, silver cross, he looks godly as the moonlight basks him in a paper-white glow.Â
âChaewon and Mark had to stay later to help set up more and Taeyongâs been pregaming since six, so he sent me to pick you up. You can get in the back.â
You hum in understanding before climbing into the backseat, tucking your hands under your thighs before looking up at the front of the car.Â
Your heart drops.Â
âHi,â the girl in the shotgun seat lilts, her bleached hair falling into wavy ringlets against Jaehyunâs leather seats. âY/N, right? I remember you! Youâre Yongieâs baby sis.â
You itch to fill the silence that follows, even though you assume she would have no trouble clearing it with her well-known, extroverted dynamic. Thereâs an unnamed tension in the car between the two people in the front seat, and itâs so intense that you could cut it with a knife.
You take shallow breaths, not sure what to make of your position. Iâm sitting in a car with my crush and his former situationshipâ holy. How did we get to this point? Sheâs literallyâ
ââLim Sae-mi,â you attempt to give her a genuine smile, flashing your teeth in what you pray isnât an awkward expression.Â
Saemi simply twinkles in the rear view mirror, her delicately painted lips stretching up before she twists around to observe you.Â
âYou do remember me! Look at how pretty you are too,â she exclaims, reaching back to pat down a strand of your hair, her voice laced with sticky sweetness. âYou could be a model, just like Yongie. And your hair is so healthy, Iâm jealous. Isnât her hair so so nice, Jae?â
Jaehyun snaps to attention at the mention of his name, seeming to be in some sort of haze with the way he looks like heâs holding his breath for as long as humanly possible.Â
âYeah.â You find yourself wilting in the slightest at his monotone voice. Looking out the window as he starts driving towards the outskirts of town, you try not to let yourself be too disappointed at the way he loses such distinctive qualities when around the girl sitting next to him.Â
Jaehyun freezes up when Saemi turns to him all doe-eyed, flashbacks flitting through his mind of the days when heâd anticipate the moments heâd see her again when they were younger. Strangely enough, the effect that she used to have on him â palpitating heart, nervous ticks, rosy cheeks, uncanny attraction â seems to have dissipated. Now, highschool-Jaehyun seems so far away, and their memories even further.
Whatâs changed?
âUm,â you start as you watch suburban lights zoom by less and less frequently, your brain working just as fast to eliminate some of the weird, awkward tension happening in the car. You donât really know enough to make conclusions, but something must have happened in the past for them to react to each other like this. âHowâs SNU? Do you guys run into each other often on campus?â
Jaehyun chuckles lowly, a tinge of uncertainty lining his tone as he waits for Saemi to answer your question.Â
âRight, youâre going to uni next year right? Hmm⌠we donât really see each other on campus at all, now that I think about it,â she simpers, frowning at the road in front of her before brightening up in less than a second. âBut that's because Jaeâs so busy, preparing to be a future doctor and all. He was always the smartest one out of all of us.â
You watch as he falls silent, knuckles tightening on the steering wheel as his jaw clenches ever so slightly.
âHey, we should catch up sometime Jae,â she adds on with a tone like she doesnât really mean it before turning her gaze to him, tacking on a noise of agreement with herself as if she's already decided that they will.Â
She knows they wonât.
You watch their eyes meet briefly before Jaehyun breaks it to turn the steering wheel left onto a never-ending stretch of a lone, empty road.
Saemiâs a hard person to figure out. You know that sheâs charming when she wants to be and firm when she needs to be, but you also know from Taeyong that she has a personality she can flip on and off like a switch; itâs almost as if mind games with the people around her are amusing, and itâs up to the other person to figure out what her true intentions are. Itâs understandable why so many people find her alluring.Â
Glancing up at the back of her head once more, you observe as she leans back with a faint frown before swallowing something in her hand that looks like a bottled shot. She looks uncomfortable as she shifts in her seat every few minutes, and youâre not sure if sheâs more put off by the alcohol or by Jaehyun. Your guess would be the latter, even if her voice makes it seem like sheâs the most confident person in the world.
You donât even attempt to start another conversation, instead opting to roll down the window so that you can watch empty land flash by, an occasional plant breaking the smooth ground. The car picks up speed on its own with no other vehicle in sight, the only light coming from the rising crescent moon and a solo gas station situated further down the road.
The three of you perk up as you approach the oil refill and the only other car at the station, a big pick-up with dressed-up figures leaning out of its windows and sitting around the back cargo bed. You assume theyâre heading to the same place you are with the way they all shout at each other as they pass a dark bottle back and forth. A boy gets out of the driverâs seat to walk over to Jaehyunâs car and lean through Saemiâs side of the window, shades pushed up into his hair and beads and cuban links dangling out of his shirt. You donât recognize him, but youâre not surprised when Johnny knows just about every young person in the world.
âJaehyun, man! And Saemi, damn, I havenât seen you guys in a while. Headed to Johnnyâs?â he exclaims with a loud voice and wide smile, reaching in to pat a long-lost friend on the shoulder. Just like that, the extroverted Jaehyun and Saemi are back, conversing with him as if their awkward energy and off demeanors didnât just dictate the ride over.Â
The guy notices you in the back when your eyes meet accidentally, both of you taken aback.
âAnd who might this be?â He smirks at you, gaze never leaving yours as he directs the question to the other two in the car. You smile back just to be friendly, but with the way heâs staring at you, youâre not sure if thatâs the right way to go about things.
âLee Taeyongâs sister,â Jaehyun speaks up, glimpsing back at you with an unreadable look. A look of recognition flashes over the strangerâs face as his mouth opens in surprise.
âSo this is the sister. Shit, is that why Iâve never seen her around?â
âYeah.â Thereâs a bitter undertone to his voice, expression faltering before he raises his eyebrows with a smile. âAnd thatâs why sheâs off limits, man. I know that look all too well.â
You look at your brotherâs friend in question, leaning forward, but Jaehyun doesnât even glance at you. Both of you know that Taeyong isnât really the overly protective type, so why would he say that? Maybe he knows that this guy is bad news, so heâs warning me. You nod to yourself, satisfied with your quick thinking. That sounds about right.
Youâre about to offer a comment yourself, but youâre stopped by aâ
âLim Saemi! No fucking way, is that really you?â another shrill voice calls from across the expanse of the gas station, a former classmate stalking across the black cement in teetering heels as she waves dramatically at the girl in front of you. âIt is you! I canât believe we ran into you like this, you gotta join the party truck now!â
Saemi seems to recognize her, waving dramatically out the window to her friend. In a matter of seconds, the girl has pulled her out of Jaehyunâs car as she laughs at her friendâs antics of tugging on her wrist to string her along, drunk. Saemi throws you and Jaehyun a look that seems to say everything and nothing at the same time; if you were to interpret it in your own language, it would spell out: So sorry Iâm ditching you guys! I love both of you to pieces but Iâd honestly rather drink bleach than get back in that car. Hope you understand. Muah.
And with that, you watch Saemi switch cars in a matter of moments. The boy follows them back to their chaotic ride to Johnnyâs after waving goodbye at Jaehyun, whoâs watching them without any emotion bleeding through his stoic face. You canât even begin to guess what's going through his mind as his eyes flick back to his dashboard, spaced out.
You pause.
â...and then there were two.â
Biting your bottom lip when you realize you mumbled that out loud, and youâve genuinely never wanted to be six feet under more because the man hasnât even said a word since she left you two.
Jaehyun freezes at your voice, almost as if he forgot you were in the car. Letting out an airy laugh after a moment, your shoulders relax when you sense that his weird, Saemi-caused demeanor has faded with her sudden absence.
âWanna move to the front? Itâs lonely up here.â You perk up at his belated response, excitedly getting out of the back to slide into the shotgun seat at his invitation. The man next to you seems to visibly relax, stomach releasing and shoulders drooping with less tension as he starts the car and turns back onto the stretch of empty road.Â
The silence doesnât bother you this time when Saemiâs absent; itâs pleasant and full, as if both of you needed this momentary break from nonstop life to collect yourself. Staring at the dust picking up along the wheels while the needle on the speedometer rises up and up, you find the scene before you therapeutic in unexplainable ways.
Jaehyun feels the same, his eyes spacey as one hand rests languidly on the steering wheel with ingrained muscle memory. The vehicle coasts past blank acres and rolling hills, the burning moon engaging in hide-and-seek as it appears and disappears behind their peaks. He doesnât even feel the need to turn up the stereo as he usually does when your audible, light breaths are sufficient enough. Itâs comforting in ways he didnât know he needed.
You recognize how close you are to Johnnyâs estate when you see the road before you thin into dirt and pebbles, a grandiose silver gate barely visible in the far distance. Behind the gate is the unmistakable gleam of polished stone, no doubt the road that leads up to the party and an onslaught of cars. If you concentrate hard enough, your mind can even conjure up the deep bass of the music that the host prefers at his mixers, their heavy resonance flowing through the thick soil to the bottom of Jaehyunâs car and all the way up to the soles of your feet.
Youâre just about to point your strange observance out when Jaehyun makes a sudden swerve, pulling off to an edge of mangled weeds and tree roots, the car rolling to a shuttering stop just before a barren field of dead plants. Your body lurches forward a bit with the movement, the boy apologizing profusely when he sees you adjust your seatbelt with confusion written all over your expression.
âFuck, sorry sorry sorry,â he mumbles, moving his hand in front of you as if you could fall out of your seat at any minute. âI just⌠the stars are stunning right now, we gotta stop for a sec. You donât mind if weâŚâ
He trails off, distracted, as he pulls the car door open hastily, rushing out to take in the night sky in its full glory. Itâs as if he doesnât move fast enough, the stars will pull a disappearing stunt on him.
Itâs endearing to see Jaehyun like this, a smile subconsciously finding its way onto your face when you spot him bouncing on the balls of his feet lightly. His eyes are completely enamored with the sight above him, neck craned up at an odd angle to see everything; from the way his fingers dig into his palms in excitement to the cold flush on his cheeks from the biting evening chill, itâs like he doesnât know what to do with himself when encountering such a beautiful product of mother nature.Â
The thought of Johnnyâs party evaporates from both of your minds as you find yourself mirroring Jaehyunâs position.Â
After a few minutes of stillness, he looks at you with the very stars from the sky in his eyes.
âCan we stay here for a bit?â
He beams at your âof courseâ before hoisting himself onto the cool hood of his Mustang and offering a hand out for you to grab. Pulling you up onto the spot beside him with a huff, he pulls your wrist to shift your body closer to his before smiling contently to himself.Â
You try not to let your mind spiral at his warm touch, instead focusing your attention on the blanket of constellations that greet you from the inky stretch of night sky. The cold metal of the hood cools your burning skin as your legs stretch out in front of you, skin ghastly as your arms support your weight from behind you.
When he hears your faint intake of breath, Jaehyun allows his eyes to leave the pretty view above him to the pretty view beside him for a few seconds, letting them linger on your side profile as you stare up in awe. They fall from the slope of your nose to the open curve of your lips, circling around your neck and raking over the ornate gems decorating your skin. Youâre breathtaking in 1001 ways, and itâs such a pressing realization that he blinks away in shock when your gaze suddenly meets his.Â
âDo you do this often?â
âWhen I need to get away for a bit. All of my best ideas come to me at night, I think. Thereâs just something about darkness and non-artificial light which is curiously inspiring.â
You nod, leaning back on the windshield and resting your head against its glass. Nighttime lets you think in the abstract, where the shadows donât take shape and remind you to think in a direct and methodical way.Â
âI get that,â you empathize. âAfter Taeyong left, I used to climb onto my roof after dark and just sit there alone for hours. I wouldnât know how much time had passed until I got back into my room, and to be honest, that was my favorite time of the day. It took my mind off things, even if it was only for a few hours.â
âYou know, Yong and I used to do that when we were younger. You were too little to remember I think, but weâd go up after your parents fell asleep and throw basketballs down the side of your house to see how far they would bounce up⌠we probably hit your window too a few times. Only a few.â
âThat was you?â you jut, incredulous.
âOh, so she does remember,â Jaehyun laughs under his breath, playfully avoiding eye contact when you scoff at your brother and his' antics. âAnyway, I wanna go up there again someday.â
âOur roof? Iâll bring you.â
Jaehyun turns to face you.
âPromise? Iâm counting on it, Lee.â
You donât hide your bashful smile this time, looking away when the boy flashes his dimples at you. Your insides flood with warmth as you secretly bring the back of your hand up to feel your cheek, scared of its betrayal of your feelings.Â
Jaehyun sighs, content, after a few moments, his neck lolling at the joint to stargaze once again. He feels entirely relaxed at this moment; thereâs nothing that Mother Nature canât fix.Â
âHistory revolved around looking at the stars and just talking, you know? I wish I could stay here forever and never grow up.âÂ
You tilt your head curiously.
âWhy, you donât like being an adult?â
âNot that,â he shakes his head. âItâs more of, I pretend to be collected and mature and all-knowing, but the feeling of having no control over life magnifies as I get older. My head and heart havenât grown up fast enough to catch up.â
âJaehyun.â
âHm?â
âYou donât ever have to pretend. Itâs⌠itâs okay to not know what youâre doing or what the future looks like, and itâs okay to let yourself go at times too. Being an adult doesnât mean always knowing the right things to do or figuring out every little detail right now,â your words stumble a bit as they spill out, but he seems to catch onto every word perfectly. âIâm scared too, so itâs kinda ironic that Iâm giving you this advice when I canât follow it myself.â
âWe can trade words of wisdom,â Jaehyun offers more lightheartedly. âItâs so much easier to give advice to other people than to yourself.â You canât think of a better way to phrase it than that.Â
âAnd I think simply moving forward with what you can muster is the best we can do,â you add on. Jaehyun just stares at you as you talk, chin in his palm as he takes in your advice with sincerity. âThings will just come and go naturally as we go on.â
âYouâre right. Time tells, Y/N. And frankly, youâre so much more mature than me.â
âMe?â You frown, surprised at the fact that he thinks you are. âThatâs so strange to hear, because I feel like Iâll never be independent in the way that you and Tae are. Even though weâre not that far apart in age, Iâve always thought you guys were from a different galaxy, like fear wasnât a word in your dictionary and maturity has always just come naturally.â
âItâs all in the way we carry ourselves, but maturity itself doesnât come from this,â Jaehyun waves his hand around to outline your body in an imaginary circle, âbut from this.â You watch as he taps a purposeful finger against your temple. âAnd you have more of it than anyone my age. You have a mind that people would die for, and I think thatâs something to be very proud of.â
The wind whistles soundly as the two of you take in the world with new perspectives, sitting up a little straighter and legs just barely touching as he moves closer without even noticing. You donât say anything for a while, and you donât need to. He recognizes how you need a few minutes to let his words soak in, and thatâs what makes you so you. Jaehyun knows you wonât just take his words on a whim and forget them ten minutes later; youâre the kind of person that internalizes everything he says with genuine feeling and gratefulness, and that quality is what makes you, in his opinion, celestial.Â
âYou always know just what to say,â you finally whisper, and he almost doesnât catch it.
You receive no reply except for the most adoring look in his eyes as he smiles fondly at you. The breeze blows wisps of your hair around your face, and Jaehyun canât help it when he reaches out to tuck a stray strand behind your ear. His fingers linger â longingly, if you dare say â before he makes himself pull away.
Youâre scared to let yourself believe that you might have a chance this time; everything floods back and hits your heart at full power, and you think that your newfound connection youâve found with the boy over this summer has trumped all of your past memories. Your feelings are fragile, and the way he looks at you is terrifying. He makes your heart race violently; your feelings from when you were fifteen donât even compare.
âItâs too chilly for a summer month,â he speaks up suddenly, rubbing his arms and trying to lighten the mood. You shake your mind out of its storm of complicated emotions before offering a small smile back.
âAlways speaking the truth, arenât you?â You tease, playing with the hem of your short dress. Jaehyun makes a noise of agreement before a boyish grin stretches across his face.Â
âYeah, which is why Leonardo DiCaprio is notââ
ââUH,â You stop him mid sentence, shushing him. âLetâs not finish that sentence.â
ââpeak acting which is whyââ
âLa la la lala,â you sing, covering your ears with your hands childishly and squinting so that you donât have to see Jaehyun raising an eyebrow at you, amused. âI canât hear youu.â
âI take back the part about you being more mature than me.â Only one boy is capable of making your moods flip like this, and heâs sitting right next to you as your laughs ring out in tandem through the night.Â
Eventually, after a few more back-and-forths under the dark sky, Jaehyun takes it upon himself to teach you some astronomical terms. You doubt youâll remember them, but he promises heâll make it easy for you to hold in your mental library.
âYou need to be prepared,â he stresses, âif youâre gonna come with me next time.â
âNext time⌠stargazing?â
âYup,â he answers matter-of-factly. âLetâs see⌠thereâs a triangle of importance in my opinion. The true triune, holy grail of astronomy.â
You watch him sink into his element, musing upon the milky way above.
âStars,â he air-traces the Orion constellation slowly. âMoons,â he continues, moving his arm in front of you to point at the claw of the silver crescent moon. Jaehyun lets his hand fall, the tip of his finger grazing your skin in the slightest as it hovers in front of your heart. âAnd celestial bodies.âÂ
âŚ
You mentally prepare yourself to get an earful from Chaewon as the drive up to Johnnyâs resumesâŚ
âŚtwo hours late.
In your defense, it wasnât completely your fault. Jaehyun says you can blame it on him when she throws her fit at you being late â and boy, do you know she will â but you also know that when you recount what happened to cause your tardiness, sheâll excuse it. Partially. Maybe even throw in a sushi dinner and smoke sesh, then all of your sins would be forgiven in her book.
You try to distract yourself from Jaehyunâs sweet actions just a few minutes earlier by thinking about where you might find Chaewon and Mark when you get there; maybe the drink-stocked kitchen, where Mark will surely be⌠or outside, where people like Chaewon usually go with their ziploc bags and scratched-up lighters.
Where would Jaehyun go?
You groan inwardly when you catch your brain drifting to the idea of the man next to you once again, said man driving with a dopey expression on his face as Johnnyâs estate comes into full view. You canât tell if itâs because of a well-needed down-time with the stars (and time with you, if you dare to think optimistically) or because it looks like thereâs strobe lights flashing out of every window of the ground floorâ
ââholy shit, they really went all out,â Jaehyun gapes, hands slacking on the steering wheel as you both take in the scene before you. âJohnnyâs fucking insane. Maybe even like, should-be-checked-into-a-facility insane.â
Your eyes widen as the building unfurls itself before you, a mansion so grand that itâs comparable to Gatsbyâs in every way. Itâs got a certain vintage charm to it, something you assume Johnnyâs parents built in homage to their roots with veiny, marbled stairs and towering Roman columns. The chaos thatâs happening in and around the home itself, however, is a different story. You can see the drunk bodies already as they move around to invisible music, and waves of people climb spiral staircases up to the upper levels as they fumble drinks around. Silhouettes of the party-goers are littered across the vast, arched windows, stone trims decorating their sills with impeccable detail; the estate is truly a needle that shines brilliantly in a haystack of country homes, the nearest house being a whole 20 minute drive away. Youâd been to his countryside home only once with Taeyong when you were younger, but seeing it in all its glory during the nighttime is a whole different experience.
âNah,â you grin when he puts the car into park behind a train of assorted automobiles that cover the driveway. âHe's that special kind of chaebol-insane. I propose not eating the rich, because what would the world be without Johnny Suh.â
Jaehyun simply chuckles lightly before getting out of the car and walking around to your side, opening the door before helping you out. Youâd be lying if you said that the butterflies in your stomach didnât just seize at his actions.
But nothing good lasts forever.
Just as soon as the butterflies come, they die off when you notice the immediate, uncanny switch in Jaehyunâs disposition.
Youâre not sure if itâs the deafening bass-boosted music flooding into the air or the multitude of bodies in front of the house alone as the two of you approach the open door, but he seems to be pushed into a different element the closer you get. You recognize it as the one that youâd only heard of in high school, the one who frequented house parties on school nights with your brother, the one who shone in a room full of people, the infamous heartbreaker Jaehyun.
You can see the shift in his eyes, the way his pupils dilate slowly as they gain that undeniable gleam. You can feel his muscles lose a tension you didnât even know was there, especially when he swings his arm around your shoulders casually, letting his hand rest against your collarbone. You can hear the calls of his wicked name already from both females and males alike, their shouts pulling him away from you as multiple people are drawn to him right away.
You recognize a few of them, hometown names that make their presence known as they clap Jaehyun on the back and reach out for intoxicated hugs. Itâs also now that you realize the sheer amount that the boy you practically grew up with â the very one who spent his school day afternoons playing in your living room â changes when with other people. His popularity was never a mystery to you, but seeing it in person like this⌠he acts like heâs finally at home. A true socialite who flourishes when surrounded by people.
And you would never hold that against anyone, except untilâ
âHey, Y/N, Iâll catch up with you later, okay? Promise.â
Ah.
His voice rings out flippant and unfamiliar, arm slipping from your shoulders like deadweight, and his fingers donât linger on your skin longingly this time. Without looking back, heâs swept away by a myriad of high school friends as they drag him off to only God knows where. They hand him drinks and jostle around with each other between heated bodies, his silver rings glinting under the lights as he throws his head back for a bitter shot.
You watch as their forms retreat into the depths of the party until the shadows swallow him up and your eyes canât follow him anymore.Â
Left to hover awkwardly by yourself at the door of Johnnyâs house with no drink in hand and a bewildered twist in your expression, suddenly, all the moments that have led up to now feel like a fever dream. Everything just happened so fast. One minute heâs next to you, and youâre sure youâve fallen again. Hard. And the next moment heâs gone with the wind, like a figment of a dream flickering in and out of consciousness. Sure, you hadnât expected to spend the whole night with him, but you thought that after your many little talks he would want to stay with you a little longer than three seconds.
At least he promised to find you later, but youâre still left feeling unsure about where you stand with him in contrast to the bubbling feeling of affection you had felt earlier in the night. The way he acts is giving you emotional whiplash.
I have to find Chaewon and Mark, you think to yourself suddenly, trying to shake your head of Jaehyun-related thoughts. The way heâs plagued your thoughts far too many times these past few months terrifies you, and it feels like youâve lost your mind for real this time. Youâre charged with a new determination to not think about the boy until he comes back to you himself. Itâs not worth ruining your night over maybeâs.
Weaving through sweaty figures and waving instinctually at the people who happen to recognize you, you find yourself in a sort of trance as you strain to catch a glimpse of one of your friends. The bass-boosted music fills your ears with a heavy buzz as you make your way through what feels like hundreds of people.
A cold hand abruptly reaches out to grasp your wrist when you approach the closed off kitchen, causing you to cautiously glance back at its owner with your other arm ready to push them off.
âBabe, what are you doing here all alone?â
You jump slightly before giving him a childish slap on his arm as a grinning Mark reaches out to embrace you, and the strong smell of twisted tea pungent on his breath. His hand comes up to tuck your head into his neck familiarly, an old habit from when you were young that tends to come out in his drunk endeavors.
âYou scared me,â you mumble into his shirt, voice muffled by the fabric. âI was trying to find you, but thereâs literally thirty million people in this damn house.â
Feigning hurt, Mark pulls away to put a hand to his heart. âYou canât recognize me from a house away?â His sarcasm makes you squint at him, your hand reaching out to tug him along with you.
âNo, Mark. I actually canât recognize you from a house away,â you bite back, mumbling an extra, âsurprisingly too, because I could probably hear your loud-ass laugh from another country if I really wanted to.â
âLiterally shut up.â
âNever. Come find Chaewon with me?â
âI-â Mark sighs, giving in to your pleading eyes. What can he say, he has a self-destructive soft spot for his best friend. âFine. But only if you get her to play one of the drinking games with me, âcause you never want to,â he tsks. You offer him an innocent smile before turning towards the back balcony. Gripping Markâs arm tightly as the two of you make your way through clusters of people, you glance back every so often to make sure heâs still with you. You donât want to be left alone again.
Again. Like Jaehyun just did when he said he wanted to spend time with meâŚ
He seems to sense your uneasiness when you pause for a moment to look down, the fluorescent lights that lead to the back glass doors making your eyes sting as your fingers tighten their grip on his wrist.Â
âHey hey hey,â the boy pauses to move in front of you with worry creasing his brows. âYou good?â
You blink away from him, mumbling an unsure âyeah,â before clearing your throat. âYeah, Iâm okay. Just got dizzy for a sec.â
Mark puts his hands on your shoulders carefully, eyes scanning the way your face looks more apprehensive than usual and your head isnât held just as high as the Y/N he knows would. Heâs had almost his entire life to study your moods and the rises and falls of your expressions, and he knows that something heavy is bothering you to the point where youâre letting him see it bleed through your normal, carefree facade. Itâs something serious, and he also knows youâre not gonna tell him until youâre ready.
So for now, he simply smooths down any invisible tensions in your arms and straightens your posture for you like he would in your younger school days, gentle and nimble fingers adjusting the straps of your dress like a parent figure would.Â
âI like this number on you. You should wear it more often.âÂ
âThank you,â you smile gratefully at him, forcing your feet to move forward once again. It's not unusual for Mark to compliment you, but it feels particularly comforting tonight after so much of your confidence in yourself has been built up and torn down in a matter of hours.
You donât let your gaze take in anyone except a potential Chaewon as the two of you finally make it outside, scared of potentially seeing someone you donât want to see. Out of the corner of your eye, Mark gestures animatedly to the lit up garden, far fewer people mingling in its flowering, winding paths than inside.Â
âOh! Chaewonâs right there,â he pushes you lightly in her direction, a poised figure leaning, relaxed, on one of the ivy-slinked marble balconies. âIâm not gonna go far, but Iâll get some drinks from the kitchen for us and be right back, okay? I wonât leave you guys for long.â Youâre silent for a moment.
âIâm sorry.âÂ
âWhy are you sorry, Y/N? Youâve done nothing wrong, but whoever or whateverâs bothering you should feel ashamed for making you apologize for nothing,â he chastises immediately, indignant towards the fact he has an inkling of whoâs made you feel this way. It pains him to see his best friend hurt silently.
You nod before he gives you one last pat and nudges you in the direction of Chaewon. She turns on her heel just as Mark leaves, face lighting up when she spots your form heading in her direction.
âTook you long enough!â She calls out over with a hand reaching out for you, her other occupied by a flute of some mysterious fizzy liquid. âIâve been waiting so that we can try the colorful shots in Johnnyâs fridge together. I know you secretly like those.â
You snap yourself out of your thoughts before managing a grateful smile as she pulls you into a side hug. âSorry, the uh⌠drive took longer than anticipated,â you mumble, tucking a piece of hair behind your ear.Â
âWhoâd you come with again? I feel so bad that we couldnât pick you up, but the setup literally took the living energy out of me.â
You bite your lip nervously, eyes flicking to the night sky in reassurance.
âI came withâ I came with Jaehyun,â you spit out quietly, already predicting her reaction in your head.Â
âDamn, for real? I told your brother to call one of your other friends, but this is so much better. Did you guys get time to talk or what?â Chaewon lifts her drink to her lips as she waits with wide eyes, anticipating an answer that you know you canât give her. If anyone has always rooted for the possibility of him liking you back, itâs her.Â
âI donât know,â you finally whisper, giving up as you tug your fingers through your hair. âItâs just⌠heâs a confusing person. Like yeah, we talked, but I canât figure him out at all. He goes back and forth from being the closest Iâve ever felt to a boy to an almost distant stranger in a matter of seconds.â
Your friendâs face falls at your words, clearly noting how much youâre beginning to get stressed out over him. It kills her to see anything but a smile on your face, and the fact that itâs because of someone who youâve pined over for so long is detrimental to watch.Â
âY/NâŚâÂ
âItâs fine. Iâm making a big deal out of nothing, probably.â Your voice cracks slightly in the middle of the sentence, but you mask it with a quiet laugh. âI donât think Iâve ever had a real chance with him to begin with, so try not to expect much.â Chaewonâs bitter smile reflects her inner confliction as she reaches out to take your hand in hers.
âStop, donât think like that,â she mutters.Â
âBut donât worry, thereâs still,â you whisper, putting your pointer finger and thumb up to approximate the size of the tiny moon in the sky above you, âa little hope. Thereâs always been.â
You nod to yourself, almost like a subtle reassurance. Youâve always had faith and confidence in your own feelings, and a little hope has never killed you. If anything, itâs brought you closer to Jaehyun than youâve ever been, and getting to know him in ways that you were never able to has been a silver lining in itself. Just maybe⌠deep down, not in the way you know you wish you had.
âI love how youâre always been so sure of what you want,â Chaewon confesses. Itâs both a blessing and a curse. âBut tonightâs about having fun, okay? No use wasting time on a boy that canât get his own shit straight.â
With a giggle, she pulls you towards the house once again. âI want to see you get wasted. His name is not allowed as far as Iâm concerned.â
âJaehyunâs nameâŚ?âÂ
âWho?â
You shake your head with a smile as she feigns confusion with an innocent expression. I donât deserve my friends, you think to yourself, heart warming at how much they try to make you feel better.
âCome on, Y/N. Look around at all the people,â she laughs out in the tone of a true socialite as she tugs you towards where most of the partygoers are congregated, littered across every corner with their short dresses and sweaty skin. Noticing that your mouth is still tinged with a hint of apprehensiveness, she stops in her tracks and turns to you. âYouâre telling me that youâre gonna let him do this to you? This night is for us, not waiting for a stupid boy thatâs had the chance of a decade to love on you, pretty girl.â
She fiddles with your dress and smoothing down its invisible wrinkles as you nod along with her, mind willing itself to focus on yourself and your friends instead ofâ
Right. He doesnât exist right now.
âAnd you look so good right now that anyone would be stupid not to feel lucky for having your attention,â she affirms, shiny hair tumbling under fluorescent lights as she beams at you. You canât help but wrap your arms around her, the comfort of her mere presence and consoling words making your heart burn.Â
âLove you, Chae. I think we should just date instead,â you mumble into her shoulder, her signature, bright laughter ringing out at your words.Â
Her eyes brighten even more when she spots Mark appearing back behind you with entire bottles of liquor in his hands.
âWhere the hell did you get those, my god,â she ooh and aahâs at him as your face lights up at the appearance of the boy.
âJohnnyâs hidden stash in one of the guest bedrooms. He thinks heâs slick,â he snorts, putting a finger up in a shushing motion when Chaewon gasps dramatically. When you giggle at your best friendâs antics, he turns to look at you with a hint of worry on his face.Â
You seem to have cheered up a bit since he left you to get drinks, but he also knows how good at hiding your true feelings you are. From poker faces to fake laughs, youâve got it all under your belt. He just wishes you would just let go sometimes, but itâs understandable when he thinks about you as a person. Itâs simply in your nature to be selfless, and ever since the two of you were young, youâve never been one to bother anyone with your own worries. No wonder heâs worried as you crinkle your eyes in elation at him, a complete 180 from five minutes ago.
Glancing at Chaewon, she nods at him discreetly, seemingly having a conversation with just their eyes. Youâre okay now.
Letting out a short breath of relief, Mark loops his arm with yours before pulling you into the lionâs den of a party haven.Â
âLetâs get fucked up, hmm?â
âŚ
You donât know how much time has passed as you trudge through the garden with your heels in one hand, Chaewonâs fingers laced with yours in the other.Â
Youâre sure itâs been at least three hours since you arrived. No, two. Maybe four?
To be honest, time isnât even a concept in your book as you swing your arm with your friendâs, a drunken-dopey smile on your face as you relish the feeling of the dirt and grass against your bare skin.Â
Maybe you wouldâve known when Mark had handed you the first shot, eyes flicking absentmindedly to the mounted clock in Johnnyâs spacious living room â but you hadnât cared enough then to figure out the numbers and read the time properly. In fact, you donât think you were even thinking about anything except getting a bit of alcohol in your system. Forgetting was the first thing on your mind.
And boy, did everything spiral from there.
You recall vague bits here and there, from getting too close with familiar faces to being handed funky glasses with sparkly liquids. It was all a blur of overdue laughter and shots after shots, and you have to admit, completely letting loose for the first time in a while felt numbing in the most beautiful way.
You remember Mark drunkenly laying his head down in your lap at one point, tapping the hard liquor in your solo cup and mumbling a happy, âwater fountain?â up at you. You werenât seeing double just yet, but you certainly werenât thinking straight enough either to comprehend his words fully. So, with absolutely no hesitation and a tipsy giggle, you poured the rest of the contents in your cup into his open mouth as carefully as you could (read: not careful at all). He had sat up with a cheeky smile, wiping the surprisingly dark, bloodred liquid from his bottom lip before it dribbled down and stained his skin.
Everything after that moment felt muggy, like a heavy blanket was wrapped around your head and knotted twice around your neck. You suppose that the alcohol added up at some point, pushing you past the point of clarity.
And suddenly now, youâre here. In the grass with Chaewon, doing only God knows what in a freezing night chill with your short dress and absence of a cozy summer jacket. You donât even know how you got outside in the first place.
The cold air is good for you, however, as you can feel the blurriness start to fade away bit by bit. Youâre not stumbling around as much anymore, but your grip on your friendâs hand is as tight as ever as you make your way through pretty flower bushes and onto a stone path.
âOh no, someone dropped their phone,â Chaewon laments with exaggerated sadness â no doubt the alcohol talking â before leaning down to pick up the shiny device. Dusting it off with her fingers, she traces a frowny face into its glass, causing it to suddenly turn on.
âJesus,â you squint into its blinding screen, mentally cursing the person who had the brightness turned all the way up and causing tiny white dots to appear in your vision. âWhat time is it?â
âYou have eyes, look yourself,â Chaewon turns her head towards you dramatically, words slightly slurred as she throws you an unimpressed look. âBut itâs 2:43 am. I canât believe weâre still conscious.â
You groan, rubbing lightly at your eye before sheâs talking again, swaying slightly as she speaks. Letting your gaze wander, you let yourself linger on the few people either passed out on messy lawn chairs or calling their friends for late night rides. Some are standing around like you and Chae, heads hanging down and clearly not in their best condition. Thereâs people with their arms thrown over the shoulders of their friends too, providing obvious support for their less coherent counterparts.
A couple half hidden behind the edge of the balcony catches your eye, your muggy mind inwardly gushing at how cute they are. You want a relationship like that. Their figures are hidden by the shadows of the house, but you can still see how the boy holds her forearm with care as he leans against the stones with her, head tilted impossibly close to the girlâs to display his full attention on whatever sheâs telling him through her hushed whispers.Â
ââitâs okay âcause weâre sleeping over at Johnnyâs tonight anyway. And, he has like a thousand guest bedrooms so we can choose any one of themââ
The couple lean into the wall more, the light repositioning as they shift their bodies closer, obviously very comfortable with each other. The girl moves further into the light, shiny hair catching onto the glow as she turns in place. He chases her movements, following her into the beam of the balcony lights as their faces are lit up under the sudden absence of shade.
You breathe out.
No way.
ââand Iâve always wanted to stay at Johnnyâs and experience that rich kid life, you know? I wonder what itâs like toââ
Fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck.
You think that your heartbeat physically stops as you take in the scene before you. Like a thin arrow slicing right through the flesh and tissue of your heart, and itâs violently humbling. Bruising, even.
Stop.
Thereâs Saemi. And thereâs Jeong Jaehyun too in all his glory, looking at her with the stars glittering in his eyes as she tilts her head up towards him.
Your mind goes blank.
âHey, Y/N, Iâll catch up with you later, okay? Promise.â
That was what, four hours ago?
Ha.
You sober up immediately, like your head has just just been ruthlessly plunged into a bucket of ice cold water. Like God himself is telling you to face the fucking music and come back down to reality. And if you concentrate hard enough, you can even hear your soul shattering, its pieces clattering down and settling at the bottom of your stomach because you actually feel like you might throw up.
I shouldâve known, is the phrase that repeats like a mantra in your head, manically getting louder and louder as you blink in pain. Your eyes refuse to leave them for some reason, watching the way his hand comes up to rest on the junction between her neck and shoulder with a delicate touch.
A bitter taste floods your mouth. You feel like youâre playing a one-sided game of push and pull, and itâs worn you out; itâs not disappointment, or even jealousy that fills your body, but fatigue. Itâs tiring to let yourself hope, and then get let down time after time and you feel stupid. Disgusted at yourself, even, for attempting to appeal to a boy who had never given you the time of day in the past even though everyone was aware of how blatantly obvious your crush on him was.
Youâve always prided yourself on how true to your own character you are, but in this moment, you feel like a child watching real adults in the real world. Two years' age difference isnât much in retrospect, but at this moment, Lim Saemi seems like a whole generation above you. Her maturity shines through every part of her â from her gait to the way she dresses to the way she leans into Jaehyun â and you canât help but let your worst insecurity get to you as they get impossibly closer.
It hurts, because heâs not even mine.
âY/N, are you listening?â
You donât answer.
And when the soft plush of his lips come down to place a gentle kiss against her forehead, you decide that youâve seen enough.
âŚ
Your mouth feels like paper, your head feels like itâs about to split open, and you feel like shit.
Blearily blinking one eye open and then immediately shutting it after getting a glimpse of an unfamiliar ceiling, you groan out loud before stuffing your face into your arm.
Somehow, the little bit of willpower left in you forces your body to get off of the bed youâre on, stumble through the darkness (you think you accidentally trip over a stray body on the ground too), and feel your way to the hallway. Your brain has completely shut off, but youâre also fucking parched and nothing will get in the way of you and water right now.
Your feet miraculously lead you to the empty expanse of Johnnyâs kitchen, little sunlight reaching its pristine tiles at such an early hour. Glancing at the red clock numbers on the oven, you blanch when it displays a mocking 6:04am. Youâre lucky that your hangovers donât hit too hard. Pouring yourself a glass of water, you can finally swallow and lean back against the counter in relief as you take a deep breath.
And thatâs when it hits you. Thatâs when everything hits you.
You almost choke on your water as your mind pulls last night from the depths of its sleepiness, from the drinking to the unwanted feelings to the sensation of blacking out. You remember it all.
Taeyong taking a body shot in front of you (scarred). Johnny making out with one of your close school friends in front of you (scarred x2). Mark handing you drink after drink. Chaewon leading you into the garden for fresh air. And⌠and seeing the boy you like with a girl you thought he had nothing to do with anymore.
Like a floodgate of torturous memories, your mind automatically replays every little interaction without warning as you throw your head back against a cabinet in regret. Itâs as if you have no control over what you get reminded of and what you donât, because of course, the first thing that flashes before you is the feeling you felt when you saw Jeong Jaehyun in the courtyard.Â
His arm wrapped around the shoulder of Saemiâs as your best friend desperately vied for your attention, the girl finally following your line of sight to eventually see the scene you were watching in chilling silence. And Chaewon had noticed it all, from the way he smiled down at her to the very moment he looked up in your direction.
âY/NâŚâ she had whispered, the pity clear in her tone. Youâd turned your head away quickly, not wanting her to see the tears gathering on your lash-line, but she couldnât help but notice the way you reached up to wipe them away. Your body had gone into autodrive, quickly moving to the side to get away from the two as fast as you could. Chaewon reached out for you before turning back to glare at Jaehyun, surprised to see him already staring right at you.
He seemed unfairly distraught and guilty in her eyes, his gaze conflicted as his hands fell from Saemiâs face in a flash and hovered in the air in shock. A few seconds later and he snapped out of it, leaving her standing alone and rushing over in your direction, seemingly trying to reach you before you got lost in the mass of people inside the mansion.Â
As he passed Chaewonâs lingering form, her hand flew out to latch onto his shoulder.Â
Shaking her head at him â as if saying, you lost your chance ages ago â it was then that she truly felt awful about the inner turmoil her best friend was constantly subjected to when liking a boy like that.Â
Wincing, you press a cheek to the cold marble countertop of the kitchen as all of your thoughts flitter through your consciousness at once. You wish the dull throbbing in your head would stop, and even thinking about it makes you shift uncomfortably in place, itching to just get outside and clear your mind with fresh air.
Fuck it, you decide, no oneâs awake anyway. I need to get away, even if it's only for a few moments.
Pushing your hair out of your face, you finish your water before heading out. Thereâs an unusual smell of artificial roses as you move through the hallways and descend the grand staircase; itâs eerie to walk in a silent house, all of the hallways dark and stoic. Johnnyâs mansion looks like a mini natural disaster with the way decorations and bottles are strewn across its marble floors, almost like savages making use of a castle. Itâs like a presentation of physical evidence of what took place last night.
Finally making it outside into the crisp morning air, you relish in the chirping of the songbirds and empty expanse of a dew-tipped garden. Taking a deep breath, you shiver slightly before heading down a small hill behind the garden. You recall there being a lake behind the property that Taeyong and Johnny used to bring you to when you were younger, one with a small dock that retreated far enough into the water that you could be alone without having the urge to constantly look towards the house again.
You donât expect anyone to be awake â or even outside â this early, but it comes as a surprise when you almost trip over a figure sitting on the bottom-most stone step. Putting a hand to your heart, your eyes widen as they turn to look up at you.
âOh⌠hi. I didnât expect anyone would be awake this early.â
âYeah, I just needed some fresh air,â you say, nervously playing with the hem of your shirt. âSo Iâm going down to the dockâŚâ
âAh. I see⌠um. You- you wouldnât mind if I joined you, right?â
âŚ
Life is funny sometimes.
As you swing your legs gently above the light waves, you canât help but think about the irony of the situation youâre in. You bite your lip before turning to the person next to you, their knees pulled up to their chest as they stare out into the water.Â
âSaemiâŚâ
The girl turns to you, a hesitant smile on her face as she reaches out for your hand.
Lim Saemi takes your fingers between hers before letting out a deep sigh, the talkative persona she normally holds, gone, as she looks between each of your eyes. The hesitance between the two of you is awkward in a way. Youâve never had a full conversation with her and youâve always assumed things about her based off of othersâ recountings, but she couldnât be more different now.Â
The little imaginary devil on your shoulder shakes her pitchfork at you, as if saying, âyou should be hating her, remember?âÂ
You look down to hide your slight frown.
âI think we have a lot to talk about,â she starts, voice tentative and slow as she purses her lips in contemplation. You still. Nodding your head, you let her move closer to you on the wooden planks of the dock before she makes eye contact with you again.
âYou know, sometimes it scares me how alike you and Taeyong look. Itâs like staring into a mirror image, and I feel like I see memories in you that I associate with your brother.âÂ
You cock your head at her words. â...weâre pretty similar people too, I think,â you whisper back, an automatic smile reaching your face as your mind finds its own way to him.
âI think so too,â she grins. âActually, Taeyong and I have been friends for a long time, and heâs always speaked of you so fondly that I couldnât help but anticipate meeting you. I would see glimpses of you here and there, and he would constantly mention his baby sister and how much he worried about her. He was the best older brother, and anyone could see it.â She pauses, taking in a deep breath. âYet he treats his friends the very same way, with the same adoration and care. It doesnât matter how much Taeyong will grow in the future with his escalating popularity and growing talent in music, heâll always have the kindest soul in my eyes. Iâm genuinely so thankful for him, Y/N.â
To hear someone speak about your brother like that triggers an emotion in you that you didnât even know you had, gaze curious as you wait for her to continue.
âI donât really know how to start this conversation to be honest, but- I bet you know how hard high school is.â You nod, grimacing at all of the particular more negative memories you have. âYouâre balancing on that fine line between feeling too adult to be in school and feeling too childish to live your own life yet, and I, for one, most definitely didnât know how to deal with such a sudden change in my social and academic surroundings. I think I changed physically a lot then, too. My face, my body, everything. I started morphing into someone that I couldnât recognize in the mirror, and I came to the realization that boys liked me first for my appearance, not my personality. And⌠and you know what I regret the most? I learned how to use my body as a weapon.â
âI learned how to change the way I talk, how to talk to boys so that I could get them to do what I want, and suddenly, everything changed even faster. People flocked to me, which is what I had always secretly wanted, but the person that they wanted wasnât me. I had flown a bit too close to the sun and now I was stuck with this facade that I couldnât get rid of. It was never just âSaemi,â I was always simply the object of their desires, something to be acquired. And I had brought it upon myself.â
Recalling the Saemi you knew and recognized in high school, you have a bit more of an understanding of her now. She held up a front in order to protect herself, and as a result, she lost touch with her own self. Your heart hurts for her as you hesitate to reach out and offer comfort.Â
âYour brother was the first one who understood me right away. We met in detention during our second to last year, and he saw right through me in the first ten minutes. Sat me down in the teacherâs empty chair and told me that I was a bitch for breaking one of his friendâs hearts.â She closes her eyes as she recalls that very afternoon. âTaeyong gave it to me plain and straight that day: I shouldnât have promised false love to so many boys if I wasnât planning to give it in the first place. Your brother may have been a player too, but the boundaries he always set with his girls made him a thousand times better than I was.â
You place your hand on hers, Saemi giving you a grateful smile in return.Â
âI thought hard about myself and my decisions after that, and I decided that if I wanted to enjoy the last years of my secondary schooling, I needed to take back control of my own actions. After I apologized to his friend, he offered me genuine friendship in the weeks following, one without the jealousy and lust that I was always caught up in before. I had always been surrounded with so much toxicity, and he was able to pull me out of it so easily that I finally felt seen for the first time.âÂ
She pauses, glancing at you briefly before staring up at the sky.Â
âThat was also⌠the first time I met Jaehyun.â
You shift, staring down at your shoe laces as they sway lightly with the wind.Â
Ah, you smile sadly to yourself. Weâve gotten to this part of the story.
âYour brother brought me along with him one day to one of his parties, and I had truly never been enamored with a boy that quickly before.â
You can tell that Saemiâs choosing her words carefully with you, and they hit a lot harder when you relate to what sheâs saying. Youâre certainly no stranger to his charm.
âWe started talking that night and Jaehyun had somehow broken down all of the walls I had carefully built up within the first month of knowing each other. It was new for me. My personal mantra had always followed the lines of, âif they like what they see and feel, I might as well use it to my advantage.â But it was different with him. I didnât want us to be a one time thing, and I certainly did not want him to think of me as something who couldnât do that kind of serious relationship shit. I wanted him to like me so badly without thinking about if I had genuine feelings towards him in the first place.â
She takes another deep breath, as if sheâs collecting her thoughts, before leaning forward with an airy laugh and sadness clear in her eyes.Â
âHave you ever mistaken love for dependency, Y/N?âÂ
Have you?Â
You think back to all the people youâve liked throughout your teenage years, ranging from hallway crushes to⌠well- Jaehyun. Your pupils dart to the water as you think about the idea of depending on a person. Do I depend on the people I like, or do I know when to distance myself?
You shake your head.Â
âJaehyun and I⌠we jumped into everything too quickly. It wasnât even a right person, wrong time situation; we simply werenât ready. We tried putting our all into this lone spark that we felt without stepping back and really looking at our relationship.â She stops to observe the rising sun above the lake, its golden reflection casting a healthy glow on her skin. Saemiâs beautiful like this, her feelings bare and raw before you as she lays out her emotions so vulnerably.Â
âI guess I never really loved Jaehyun in the way he loved me. He was looking for something tender and real, and younger me was not in the capacity to give that to him. I tried to convince myself every single fucking day that I liked him in that way, but even I knew deep down that my I would never convince myself. I still had this lingering, detrimental mentality of seeing boys as something I could win over, and my fascination with him intertwined with that in ugly ways.â
Saemiâs face falls a little before she takes both of your hands in hers, eyes sincere as she peers at you.Â
âThe reason Iâm telling you all this is because⌠I saw you,â she whispers carefully, watching your reaction. âLast night. When Jaehyun and I were together in the garden⌠I saw you watching before you walked away.â
Your heart drops as you look down at her hands holding yours so carefully, her pretty fingers encompassing your wrist as you unwillingly recall the worst emotions you had felt in a while.Â
She saw.Â
You only manage to get out a small, âoh,â before she squeezes your hand reassuringly.Â
âHey hey hey, look at me,â she leans down slightly to put herself at eye level with you. The edges of her lips quirk up in the slightest, her hair falling elegantly against her face as the wind picks it up and puts it back down again. âI donât want you to misunderstand. Why? Because all those years ago, Jaehyun misunderstood, and I misunderstood, and it was all of these assumptions and forced feelings that drove our relationship to its grave. We were shit at communicating with each other properly, and that eventually hurt both of us too deeply to heal the right way.â
You nod at her hesitantly, taking in what sheâs saying with a newfound understanding. Saemi sighs before smiling again at you.Â
âIâve hurt a lot of people in the past,â she says, forlorn, her eyes crinkled as she sniffs in the cold of the morning. âAnd I never got the chance to apologize to them properly. But last night, I finally worked up the confidence to revisit our high school days with Jaehyun.â She stops, leaning back onto the dock with her hands behind her. Her eyes close as she soaks in the morning sun, and you canât help but mirror the position as your heart warms for her. âWe finally got our much needed closure last night, and I was feeling a bit down afterwards so he was simply comforting me. And I wonât weigh you down with all the nitty gritty details, but we were able to see our ending all the way through without letting our emotions get in the way.â
You canât help but reach out and hug the girl, your arms wrapping comfortably around her shoulders to express your awe and gratitude. With a little noise of surprise, Saemi pauses for a few seconds before embracing you back. Everything makes more sense now, and you canât help but feel a little ashamed for jumping to conclusions so easily.Â
âIâm so grateful that you shared all that with me,â you mumble into her shirt, her chuckle ringing out into the lake as she rubs your back like an older sister would.Â
âOf course. If anyone deserved to hear all of this, it would be you.â
âWhy?â
Saemi snorts, pulling back from your hug before lifting an eyebrow at you.Â
âOh please, Y/N, you should see Jaehyun from everyone elseâs eyes. We can all see the way he looks at you.â Your mouth drops open slightly, tilting your head in confusion.Â
âHe looks at me a certain way?â
âGod, I have never met two more stupid people in my lifetime,â she groans, bringing her fingers up to her temple. âAnd I say this lovingly, of course.â
With a fond look on her face, she nudges your shoulder. âBut Iâm really glad Jaehyun has someone like you.â
You bashfully look down at the water, a rosy blush creeping up your cheeks at her words. You were never 100% sure of where you stood with him, but that familiar feeling of hope has started to creep up once again. Could I go through that again, though? That same push and pull?
Seeming to sense your sudden aversion, Saemi loops her arm through yours in one smooth motion and sets your hand in her lap.
âHey. Promise me youâll go talk to him?â
You hesitate to reply, mouth dry as you think about everything sheâs poured out to you. You think about your own feelings, and you think about the possibility of having something more with Jaehyun. You think about his history with Saemi, and how this issue of communication has ruined your confidence so many times. But what is it all worth if you donât try?
With a slow nod, you offer her a reassuring smile before dusting off your clothes and standing up. âPromise.â
Saemi grins at you.
âThatâs my girl.â
âJaehyun?â she asks, putting a hand out on his arm as he looks behind her, distressed. Sheâs never seen him like this, a nervous jitter in his hands as his eyes dart around at the scene behind them.
Turning around, she just manages to catch a glimpse of a girl rushing towards the back of the house, her head downturned but not masking the obvious face of discomfort in her features. Her friend turns around to glare at them before following close after.
âFuck,â he breathes out, chewing on his lip as he hesitates to run after your escaping form. âI fucked up so bad, Saemi.â Running a hand through his hair in frustration, he lets out a noise of exasperation as he watches you get farther and farther away.Â
âWhat?â
âSheâs leaving, Saemi. What do I do, what do I do,â he mumbles under his breath. âI just know sheâs gonna think I hurt her on purpose. I always fuck it up somehow.â
âWoah, letâs breathe first,â she holds him steady at the shoulders, grip strong as she turns his body to face hers. âBreathe slowly.â
After a few panicked breaths, he looks back at her and attempts to inhale at a slower pace. A few seconds pass and heâs calmed down already, but a worried crease still flits across his features nonetheless.
âListen to me, Jaehyun. Donât leave her in the dark.â
His body loses tension bit by bit as he nods back a little, a heavy look in his eyes.
âWe both know how that feels, better than anyone.â
âŚ
Twenty-three missed calls.
Thatâs how many youâve accumulated over one day.
You do the math on your bedroom ceiling as you lay splayed out on the mattress like a starfish. Each glow-in-the-dark, plastic star represents a missed call, and they swim across your vision as you point up at them with your hand to count them.Â
Thereâs seven from Mark, another seven from Chaewon, four from Taeyong, one from Johnny, and the remaining four? Mentally moving the glowing stars across the solar system of the ceiling, you pick four of the brightest glowing stars before keeping them hidden in a little group at the corner of your eye.
4 missed calls from Jeong Jaehyun, your phone reads from beside you on the mattress, the screen habitually lighting up throughout the day.
Your hand itches to grab it and just call him like you so desperately want to, but you exercise self-restraint as you roll over and stuff your face into your pillow. Itâs unfairly hot tonight â the sticky, humid type â and being surrounded by all of your fluffy blankets and pillows does nothing to help your condition, but you donât want to move out of your room. Letting out a muffled scream into the fabric, you groan to yourself when you realize that all of the problems floating around in your head wonât just magically disappear.
A normal Sunday would have gone like this: waking up mid afternoon with an abnormally large appetite, eating the entire contents of your kitchen to your heartâs content, and then going back to bed. Unfortunately, today was a bit different.
For the entire day, youâve been busy. Busy thinking.
You had quickly left Johnnyâs estate after your talk with Saemi early in the morning, borrowing one of Johnnyâs cars from his garage and leaving him a little note that youâd return it soon (to be honest, you doubt that heâll even notice). Youâve been in your room ever since.Â
With your eyes trained out the window, your record player ran through entire sets of albums as you lay on your bed in contemplation for the entirety of the afternoon. The fan in your room barely kept you cool as it picked up the fabric of your sundress every few minutes, marking another block of time that had gone by without you getting up and doing something about your position.Â
You let out a humph before throwing an arm over your eyes and retreating back into deep thought.
Iâve been distancing myself from him the entire day, and thatâs the opposite of what I want to do, right? Iâm turning into exactly what Saemi warned me not to.
Biting your lip, you turn your body over to stare at your motionless phone. But what should I do?
In a single impulsive movement, you reach out to grab the device before you can change your mind. Your fingers lead you to your contacts before your brain can catch up.
You canât even fully register what youâve just done, but Jaehyunâs name flashing across your screen certainly makes it all very much real, your phone waiting for him to pick up on the other side of the line. Your face gets hotter and hotter as the seconds tick on, the beeping of a no-caller reply heightening your nerves.
Finally, with a little click from your hand, he picks up. Your eyes widen. You really didnât really think this through; now you had to actually talk to him.
âHey,â Jaehyun sounds out, his voice breathless. âI- are you okay?â
âYeah.â At least I think I am, you add on to yourself, grimacing. âUm⌠are you free today?â
âAm- am I free today? Yes! I mean yes, yes Iâm free today.âÂ
You canât help but smile at the way he trips over his words a bit, his nervousness bleeding over your speaker.Â
âWell then, rooftop at mine at 10?â
âFor real?â Jaehyun exclaims, checking the time on his alarm clock. Thatâs in twenty minutes. âWait, Iâll be there. I promise.â
And with that, the two of you hang up with a million unspoken words and unfinished sentences. You let out the breath you were holding in, because you genuinely thought you would pass out when you heard Jaehyunâs voice again after finding out all that you did. Throwing yourself against your bed, you let yourself indulge in your feeling of hope again.
âHeâll be here,â you sigh in happiness to yourself. You relax into your pillows before springing up immediately, a look of horror taking over your face. âOh my god, heâll be here.â
Rushing around your room with a newfound energy, you make sure you donât look like you just rolled out of bed (although you technically did just roll out of bed, but he doesnât have to know that) before unlatching the window of your bedroom and carefully climbing out onto your roof.
Itâs well past dusk now, and the sky is abnormally clear with not a single cloud in sight. The moon shines brilliantly in its place as it casts an eerie glow on the panels youâre sitting on, their bumpy texture making it seem like the material is constantly shifting.Â
You let yourself go for a moment, resting your head in the palms of your heads before staring out at the roofs of your city. They create a complex, urban terrain: a mix of timely balconies and rooftop gardens, orange lanterns and fairy lights alike.Â
The beeping of a car horn brings you out of your daze. Peering down into the street below you, a familiar, classy black car is visible through all of the telephone lines.Â
Okay Y/N, deep breaths.Â
Jaehyun gets out of the front seat, immediately looking up in hopes of catching a glimpse of you before you notice heâs there. However, when his eyes follow the length of your house up, he finds that youâre already staring at him with an unreadable expression.Â
He doesnât think heâs ever felt this nervous in his life. With cold hands, he lifts himself onto the electrical box beside your house before climbing up onto the slope of the roof, climbing over to you with an uneasy smile on his face.Â
âHey.â
You tuck your chin into your arms, leaning forward to look at him curiously. âYou couldâve taken the window, you know, but that works too.â
âWhatâs life without any risks, hm?â
As he settles himself, you canât help but think that thereâs a double lining to his words. âThatâs the most Jaehyun-esque thing Iâve ever heard.â
His laugh warms your heart in a way you didn't know it could.
The first few moments are quiet, just two pairs of eyes looking up at the stars before Jaehyun breaks the silence with a small cough.Â
âWe got lucky, thereâs no clouds tonight. Pure stars.â You look over in his general direction, his gaze not even directed towards the sky anymore.Â
He pauses, so you turn and happen to meet eyes at the same time. Both of you open your mouths to talk, prompted by the invisible tension between you.Â
âLet me just say thatââÂ
âI just wanted to tell youââ he starts at the same time you do, eyes widening when you both go quiet once again. âYou go first.â Giving him a grateful smile, you think a bit about how to express yourself before twisting your body completely so that youâre facing him.Â
âI just wanted to apologize first,â you start, holding up a hand when Jaehyun starts to protest. âWait. I really want to tell you this before I get too nervous to.â
âI know everyone was worried when I went kinda off the grid this morning, but I needed some time alone with my thoughts. I shouldn't have ignored you like that, especially when things seemed so off between us. This is really hard to say to your face but,â you glance away from him as he waits patiently for you, âI always feel this rush of different emotions whenever Iâm around you. And sometimes itâs confusing, but other timesââ stopping to exhale, you notice Jaehyunâs grin from the corner of your eye.Â
âHey, why are you laughing? Iâm trying to be serious right now,â you whine. He simply puts his hand up to his mouth to hide the elated expression on his face.Â
âYouâre just too cute, thatâs all,â he replies adoringly, his eyes creasing behind his hand.Â
âI canât take this,â you mutter in embarrassment, stuffing your face into your arm to hide the blush of your cheeks. âSee! Stuff like that. You make me experience, like, thirty different emotions at once.â
He simply giggles at you, throwing out a little âmy bad,â but he doesnât sound very sorry at all. You nudge him in the arm.
âSorry sorry, Y/N. Wait, Iâll be serious now.â
Both of you taking deep breaths, you put your hand up to your heart to calm its erratic beating as Jaehyun composes his expression back to normal.Â
âI really wanted to apologize too.â
You glance at him in surprise as the words leave his mouth, sincere and heavy.Â
âIâve been pretty shitty to you, and I recognize how confusing it must have been for you to watch me constantly go back and forth between different personas. Honestly, being back home forced me to face the people here, and suddenly I was thrown into this internal conflict between my high school life and my present self. Thatâs still no excuse for how many mixed signals I gave you these past few months, but I want you to know that it was never my intention to hurt you.â
Reaching out to brush a small leaf off your shoulder, his hand trails down your arm until heâs taken your hand in his. You can tell how much he means it by the way heâs looking at you â like you hold the entire galaxy in your eyes. You think that you finally see a replication of how you look at him yourself; after all, itâs being reflected back to you right now.Â
âY/N?â
âYeah?â
âI hope you can tell, but I really like you,â he whispers, bringing your hand up to his chest. He wants you to feel how much his nerves are racing just as fast as yours.Â
You think that your heart just about stops. Youâve dreamt of this moment since you were younger, and now that itâs finally coming to life, itâs unreal to think that he feels the same.
âI think you know how I feel,â you reply back quietly, looking down at your hands entwined with his.Â
âSay it?â he asks with a pleading face, the corners of his lips quirking up when you roll your eyes.Â
âJeong Jaehyun, do you really think I believe that you didnât know that Iâve liked you ever since we were kids?â Shaking his head innocently at your suspicion, he pouts in a manner thatâs very unlike him.Â
âFine,â you give up, unable to hide the smile creeping up on your face. âI like you Jaehyun, I like you so much that you donât even know how happy I am right now.â
âOh, I know. Come here,â he scoots over before tapping the side of his shoulder with his finger. Not getting the memo, you tilt your head inquisitively before he reaches over himself and puts your head on his shoulder himself. If your heart was skipping beats before, itâs probably failing to beat at all now.Â
âI want you to trust me,â he murmurs under his breath, his grip tightening on your hand. âI know I donât have the best track record right now, but Iâll prove to you how much I like you.â
You furrow your brows in confusion. âYou donât have to prove anythingâŚâ You wholeheartedly believe and trust in his feelings, but with the way heâs looking at you right now, you decide to humor him and raise an eyebrow prompting him to go on.Â
âWait, youâll do anything?â You ask, looking up at the stars to hide your telling grin.Â
âAnything. Even suffer through another one of those awful DiCaprio movies.â
âSuffer?â you exclaim, your head lifting off of his shoulder with his words.Â
âShit- no no not suffer. Who said suffer? You mustâve misheard me, I most definitely said enjoy.â
âYouâre on thin ice, Jeong.â
He snorts at your threatening expression, an arm snaking behind you to wrap around your waist protectively.Â
Turning his head to look down at you, youâre met with his nose almost touching yours. You can see every eyelash, every freckle adorning his skin as neither of you make the motion to move away.Â
Jaehyun loses his breath at the sight of you so close. He keeps his teasing eyes on yours before taking that extra step forward to bump your noses together. Glancing down at your lips, he steadies himself so that his voice can sound as confident as he envisions it in his head.Â
âCan I kiss you?â
âPlease, Jaehyun.â
With your consent, he pulls you forward by the waist before slotting your lips together carefully. Youâre not sure if itâs the pressure at which heâs holding you, or the fact that youâve waited for this moment for almost your entire youth, but kissing Jaehyun is glorious.Â
He moves a hand up to cup the back of your neck before pushing forward impossibly closer, tucking your hair behind your ear in one smooth motion as his mouth moves in tandem with yours.Â
You make a noise of surprise when he takes your bottom lip between his teeth, giving you a little nip before licking over the skin carefully. The passion and lust that seeps through his tongue is made clear as the minutes pass, and your reactions only spur him on.
Th mix of his skin on yours burning its way across your body and the delicacy at which he touches you makes your heart alight for a completely different reason. Threading your fingers through his hair, you're delighted to find that that particular motion makes him shudder under your hands, and kiss you more like his life depends on it.
After a while of marking each other's skin and exchanging sweet nothings between his kisses, you tap his chest to pull apart for air, your breathless mien making him grin smugly.Â
âIâm that good, huh?â
âShut up, Jaehyun.â
âŚ
The rings on your fingers clink with his as you hand him a metal camping cup, its silver surface hot to the touch even at night. Glancing up at Jaehyun, you laugh when you catch his skeptical expression.Â
âThe hell is thisâŚâ he asks in borderline horror as the liquid in his cup sloshes around.Â
âMarkâs gonna love hearing that,â you remark, putting your own cup to your lips as you bring your knees to your chest.
Itâs the most comfortable when youâre with Jaehyun like this, sitting on the hood of his car in the dead of the night to stargaze into the early hours of the morning.Â
Itâs been a few weeks since that night on the rooftop, and youâve never felt more alive. From long drives with Taeyong to mini adventures with Mark, and from jukebox diners with Chaewon and constellation hunting with Jaehyun, you finally feel at home in a place youâre about to leave. University is close on the horizon, but that doesnât mean you canât spend your last free evenings with the people you love the most.Â
âIs this your recipe?â Jaehyun asks, pulling up your legs so that they rest over his lap. You shake your head with a cheeky smile.Â
âStole it,â you whisper, scrunching your nose at the distinct smell.Â
âAnd what did Markâs creative ass come up with this time,â he laments back, taking your cup to compare it with his in confusion.Â
âOur cups hold the same exact thing, Jaehyun. I didnât secretly poison your drink if thatâs what youâre thinking, and I know you are.â You take back your cup before taking another sip and taking a little piece of paper out of your pocket to read from. âBut anyway, it's âorange liquor, orange juice, lime juice, maple syrup, sliced jalapeĂąo, and agave blanco sugar in the rim.â You can steal the recipe too, but don't tell him that I gave it to you. Heâd murder me.â
âMm,â he muses, nuzzling into your neck. âI wouldnât want my girlfriend dead.â
You freeze in mid-air, mind turning the title over and over again in your head. âGirlfriend?â
Jaehyun sits up immediately, looking at you with the most mortified expression on his face. âFuck, I never asked you to be my girlfriend, did I?â
With a small giggle at his antics, you simply lean against him and pat his arm in consolation. âItâs okay, I donât need a label to know how you feel about me.â Jaehyun hums contently before suddenly wrapping his arms around you, your delighted shriek ringing out as he pulls you down with him and falls back against the metal roof of the car.Â
âCan we just stay like this forever?âÂ
You sigh in satisfaction as your body follows the rises and falls of his chest. The stars above seem to blink happily at the two of you as they make their way across the sky, the little, twinkling lights of overpassing planes highlighting their presence.
Intertwining your fingers with his, he gently kisses the side of your face before closing his eyes.
Even if the two of you hadnât realized it yet, it had always been like this: two childish souls crafting the idea of mature love. Two blooming young adults, with fizzing feelings and cherry picked lips, daring to love one another like the grownups in black and white colored movies.
Your summers are defined by sticky ân sweet cherry cola, rides around the abandoned carousel with your friends, and âborrowingâ quarters out of your brotherâs Cadillac to insert into the jukebox of the local diner. Theyâre tinged with the taste of Markâs special drinks and Chaewonâs sweet words, with Taeyongâs cheery voice ringing out throughout your house and your parentsâ weekly sitcom reruns. And most of all, summers are made of Jaehyunâs lavender cologne and the way he holds you close when you need it the most.
âDonât be surprised if the moon calls you by name, Y/N, because I tell her about you all the time.â
âŚ
<3 you can find their character profiles HERE.
[ for Y/N, mark, chaewon, jaehyun, taeyong, and saemi ]
â sure, the joy you exhibit is at his expense, but he canât bring himself to care. jaemin would walk on burning hot coal if you asked him to. â
word count | 7.0k (7,009)
genre | fluff with slight angst, humour, pining, idiots 2 lovers lol â fratboy!jaemin
the five times jaemin begs for forgiveness apologizes â and the one time you get a taste of your own medicine.
â warnings | vomiting, humiliation (? not really but), alcohol consumption, and characters jumping to conclusions
â authorâs note | i wrote this instead of studying and it initially started as a drabble but the moment i finished the first part i realized i would just have to keep going. so i did. hope u enjoy this monster â¤ď¸âđŠš
one.
The air reeks of hard liquor. You feel it stick to your skin the moment you step inside the frat house, trailing behind Lia as she zigzags her way through the crowd and into the kitchen. Sheâs a creature of habit, always following a routine, so it doesnât surprise you when her first order of business is getting the both of you a drink.
Still, the vodka does nothing to contain your nerves. Bitterly, you eye Lia from the corner of your eye as she makes chit-chat with some friends from her Psychology class; she promised this party would put you out of your misery, but you have been here for all of three minutes and your misery has yet to be put out.
You had hoped â prayed â the trashy EDM and stench of sweat mixed with booze would have a quick effect on your aching heart, that it would snap you out of the wallowing youâve been doing for the past two days, that it would make you forget about the 25 text messages and 10 missed calls youâve left unanswered.
trope. best friends to lovers. college au. slow burn. angst. fluff. a story on second loves.
synopsis. sometimes, the path towards healing involves not only mending your heart but trusting in the love of those who have been there all along, or alternatively, in which lee minho teaches you to love again
word count. 20k words
warnings. drinking, mentions of vomiting, curse words, intoxication, the aftermaths of heartbreak, not feeling good enough
note. hello itâs me again! have this semi self-indulgent lee know fic i wrote
one.
When Mark breaks your heart in the first weeks of summer, Minho doesnât say âI told you soâ. Instead, he becomes your gentle refuge, sitting still and letting you cry on his shoulder.Â
Heâs careful to touch you, doesnât want to shake you out of the pretense of composure youâve built for yourself. Though, it only takes a brush of his hand before the inevitable scrunch of your face that follows into a sob. His hands pull your waist closer, running soothing circles down your back.
synopsis | After finding hand scribbled messages in a novel of the quaint bookshop you work at, you start a paper dependent back-and-forth with an anonymous penman; a small part of you, however, hopes that your brotherâs cold best friend may have a hand in their mysterious appearances.
content | brother!jaemin, brother!jaehyun, au, fluff, language warning
wc | 11.1k
song | all the stars â kendrick lamar, sza
a/n | my first longer fic, hope u enjoy it! leave any and all feedback, iâd love to hear ur thoughts :))
synopsis â Â Haechan is notorious for his pranks. Who can forget about the one time the campus fountain was bleeding red? You were weary of never getting on his wrong side, but when you get to know him better, it seems like behind all that front he's a sweet and caring guy.
That is until you get a bucket of water dunked on you straight after he promised he wouldn't pull something on you. You're not only pissed that he had fooled you like this, but that he chose such a simple prank.
pairing - haechan x fem!reader
genre - university!au, (one-sided) enemies, strangers to friends to lovers, slow burn, very slice of life, eventual smut (MDNI)
Wc - 11.6k
content - clubbing scene, reader is drunk at one point, random idols mentioned, university settings
warnings: mentions of throwing up (nothing too detailed)
a/n - hi lovelies <3 heres the first part to getting even!!! while i was writing the story i noticed it was getting very long (and i still have like... five more scenes to write lol) so i thought of getting this out first ^^ not a lot happens here but stay tuned for the next part because.. a lot.. happens there hehe. i hope you enjoy readingggg!!
Walking into your lecture, your eyes scan around to find an empty spot to occupy, but you were pleasantly surprised to see your friend Naeun sitting in one corner, leaning back as she scrolls through her phone. She beams when she sees you, patting the seat next to hers.
âFancy seeing you here,â You plop down your bag next to your chair, teasing her from the get-go. She whines shyly at your callout.
âI was struck with academic motivation never felt before. It felt like I was destined to come in today and be as studious as possible,â She points towards the lecture, which is barely filled with students. Itâs a nine a.m. lecture, but you decided to come in early today to snag a good seat that lets your focus on the lecture with your upcoming assignment that's due; Naeun on the other hand barely comes in after the first two weeks of the semester, regardless of what time the lecture is. If itâs not mandatory, why go?
Her motto is what makes you raise your eyebrow at her now, scanning her figure as if to fish out the real reason why sheâs here.
âDonât look at me like that! I actually came in to study today,â you raise your hands in self-defence, looking away from her with a giggle, opting to stop teasing her.
But not even a minute later, she cracks; âOkay, fine. If you keep insisting me to tell you I guess I have no choice,â
âBut I didnât evenââ
âI heard from Haneul who heard from Heejinâs girlfriend who was at that book club meeting with Renjun, which for some reason thought Norwegian Wood the book didnât match the song, which is such a hot take that only he would take. Anyways,â She crosses her leg over her knee, leaning in as if to tell you a secret, manicured hands cupping the side of her face.
âHaechan might pull something today, at this lecture.â You barely caught her words, but after a few seconds of taking in what she said, you lean back and look at her with wide eyes.
âHaechan? I thought he was finished?â Naeun nods her head at lightning speed, her expression matching yours too.
âSee, thatâs what I thought too, but apparently he only had some sort of weird writer's block but for his pranks. I think he missed all the attention he used to get, not that heâs any less popular now, but you know what I mean,â You, in fact, have no idea what she means. But with the new information that youâre now fed, youâre hyperaware of your surroundings, looking around for any abnormalities within your vicinity.
Ever since the orientation of the first year of your course, when you met Naeun and had to fight against falling asleep with all the alcohol the seniors were feeding you as a sort of welcoming ritual, Haechan had already made a solid impression on everyone. With the seniors pushing all the first-year students to drink, Haechan had gotten into a bit of trouble for refusing to drink something theyâve poured out for him, as the older guys go around with mindless gossiping, stating how much of a prune he is and that heâs just ruining the fun, all while they stick around girls who are out of their league.
Later that day, Haechan had made a few drinks for the few who he had angered as a form of apology. With his head bowed in tow, he honestly looked like he was asking for their forgiveness.
âIt was careless of me to disrespect my seniors so blatantly like this, could you accept these as an apology? Iâll even pour out the soju for you.â With the bottle in his hand, his other hand cradled his elbow, showing respect as he barely met their eyes. The seniors were ready to make him work for it more, but with the way he was bowed in front of everyone in the hall, it looked like they were picking on the poor boy.
âAh, Haechan, you donât have to do that.â One of them chuckles. âWe were just joking arounââ
âPlease! Just accept this, I donât know how I can last the rest of my uni years knowing that I had disrespected you on my very first day.â He shouts in his high-pitched voice, making the already quiet hall of murmuring people all go silent. The seniors were now all flustered, before being ushered to take the cups Haechan had provided, waiting for him to pour them drinks.
From the corner of the table, you were slumped against, you remember two things very vividly that night; one, Naeun was an only child, which we can definitely work with. And two, when Haechan looked up at the second and third years of his major accepting his drinks, his grateful smile was laced with some sort of sinister glint.
As the seniors grumble in embarrassment while Haechan finishes pouring each one of them a drink, they swish their cups around as if itâs wine, delaying drinking from them while Haechan insists on signifying their bond with a toast.
âTo my seniors, I hope to perform up to your expectations,â And with the tip of their cups in an imaginary circle, everyone cheered âone-shotâ as the seniors down their drinks. Haechan merely sipped his, and you had noticed his lips tilting to one corner, and even in your drunk state, you knew something was off.
Your suspicions were confirmed when the seniors all started coughing wildly, some clutching the corner of a table or one anothersâ shoulders, seeming like they were coughing their lungs out.
Turns out that Haechan had slipped hot sauce into the drinks, creating a fusion of different burning sensations to travel down their throats as they drink the alcohol in one shot. Instead of being chastised, he was cheered on by the other first years who were either tipsy or barely hanging on. Ever since then, he was known to pull pranks every now and then, most harmless, some embarrassing, but nothing serious and nothing to spite anyone. Like tampering with clocks in the lecture halls, making them chime a tune every ten minutes, or when he had swapped his blonde friend Jenoâs shampoo with a firetruck red dye, leaving his neck and the better part of his forehead red from the dye for days on end. The only prank done with motivation was the first one as if it was some sort of initiation in itself.
âWait, at this lecture? But thereâs barely anyone here. Doesnât Haechan carry out his pranks with a full-blown audience at tow?â Naeun shushes at your words, trying to get you to quiet down with your words, but it was too late. The deed was done as the guy from behind you perks up at your conversation, leaning into your conversation bubble.
You recognise him as Sunwoo, as he quickly shifts his gaze between the two of you. âHaechanâs doing something today? Like, at this lecture?â
âOh.. well, I wouldnât say so,â
âNaeun,â He turns to your friend, and you look at her with doom written on both of your faces. Naeun canât lie to save her life, most people know that by now, but never really have the balls to test the theory. Until now, of course.
âNaeun, is Haechan gonna pull a prank today?â
âNaeun, remember what we talked about restraint.â You tried to keep her attention on you, knowing that if her gaze wandered to the boy, she would break.
âCome on Naeun,â Sunwoo whines now, stomping his feet, making you look at him with disgust written on your face at his sudden burst of cuteness. âJust say yes or no. Ywes or nwo.â
âDude, gross,â You shove at his shoulder in an attempt to finally relent. Naeun squeezes her eyes shut.
âPwetty pwease?â
âFine! Fuck, oh my god. Yes, he is, Haechan is maybe doing something today.â She leans back into her chair, chest heaving as if sheâd run a marathon. âI hated that, please donât ever do that again.â Sunwoo winks at you two as he suddenly stands straight in his seat.
With hands cupped around his mouth, he shouts out. âHey everyone! Haechan is pulling a prank today! Tell all your friends to be careful, and to keep their cameras rolling! Remember to post it on the campusâ blog!â And with that, phones chime as people text and call the imminent news. You and Naeun look at each other, defeated.
âAt least they donât know that we spread it?â You try, shoulders now hunched in as Naeun rubs at her temples.
âOh! Also, it was these two who told me, so you should thank them!â Sunwoo yells one last time as he points at the two of you, with some hoots and cheers now being sent your way. You two shrink into yourselves even more.
âHaneul is never gonna invite me out for bubble tea ever again,â
As the lecture hall fills up to its max capacity, everyone is on the edge of their seat, waiting for something to happen. The star of the show himself is nowhere to be seen, but his friends are huddled in their usual corner, trying their best to smile kindly and repeat on about how they âdonât know what Haechan is up to. Can I send him a text to see where he is? Why are you telling me what to doââ. Thankfully Jeno was able to stop Renjun from pouncing anyone, even though they both knew nothing wouldâve happened.
The lecturer seems over the moon to have the hall filled as much as it is, excitedly explaining statistics and their significance in the current world. She doesnât seem to notice that the majority are here for some sort of public performance and not the different ways you can find the probability of whatever it is sheâs droning on about. You try your best to nod when she looks towards your general direction.
As the lecture ends, people grow restless with the lack of action in the last two hours. But no one had dared to step out of the hall, much less out of their seats in fear of something happening. But when the lecturer thanks everyone for joining her this week and talks about gratitude, people slump into their chairs, grumbling and huffing about their time being wasted. Everyone starts packing straight away, slowly maneuvering to the exit as they cook up theories about why Haechan had gone so long without a prank, and how the word got spread in the first place. You and Naeun sit static in your chairs, not wanting to attract any attention, alongside Haechanâs friends, who merely go on their phones and twirl their pens.
âDo you think this will come back to bite us in our ass?â Youâre careful to whisper this time, shoving your laptop into your bag and Naeun clicks her pens closed. She merely shrugs, âI donât think they even know our names, so I think we should be fine.â You look at the lecturer, who seems to be skipping her way to the exit now, undoubtedly feeling ecstatic at doing her job. As she opens the door and steps to the hall, you last see her beaming smile before a screech echoes out, making everyone stop in their tracks.
The people who were the closest to her are now looking at the ground where she lies, bags and items now askew across the floor outside of the hall. A few step up and help her get up by grasping her wrists, pulling when she seems to have found their bearings. But their effort ends fruitless, as not only does she stay on the floor, but the two people who had helped her also collapse again on the floor.
âWhat the fuckâŚâ As people go to help their friends and the lecturer from the floor, the three figures on the floor attempt to skid back into the lecture room instead of out. A guy you recognise as Beomgyu looks out onto the hallway outside the lecture hall, before pressing the tip of his shoe against the floor as if to test something. When he pressed his sole against the floor, he tries shifting left and right before pressing his other foot on the floor, rebalancing himself when heâs tilted a bit to the left. You see him squat down and take a big whiff, face confused as he stands back up, but not for long.
Smiling like a radiating child, his laugh echoes throughout the hall as he pulls on his friend Jeonginâs hand to join him. âThe floor is covered with butter!â
At that, the once quiet hall grows loud, as people slowly step onto the floor, while some treat it like a skating rink, gliding and spinning right outside the lecture hall.
âThe whole floor with butter? When did he have the time to do that?â You question as you now stand with your bag slung over your shoulder. Jeno, who was walking past you with Renjun, turns back to you. âHe did it while the lecture was going on. If you canât handle skidding on the floor, you might wanna use the other door,â And with a blinding smile, he turns back around and heads out the alternative door.
Naeun clutched at your bicep. âDid he talk to us right now? Like, look at us in the eye and speak words?â
You nod your head. âI think you can put your delusional days to an end. He totally likes you,â She smacks your hand as you tease her, but huddles closer nevertheless.
âI am, for once, thankful that you just speak words without thinking,â
Youâre tugging at the waist of your skirt as Naeun pulls you by your locked elbows, shoes clicking towards the direction of the club. The Beehive club is known to harbour students of all majors from your university, as it is the closest club to the dorms situated just a five-minute walk away from campus, making socialising as easy as it can get. Naeun had urged for you two to go this week, even when youâd rather rest after giving in the assignment that you were slaving over for the past few days. She insisted that it would be worth this time.
âHaechan finally put a cease in his hiatus. That means he will be at the party, which means Jeno will be at the party, which means I need to make my presence known and somehow rizz him by sending him brainwaves.â She had explained while getting ready, as she blows on her false lashes before putting them on. You sulk from your position in bed, slowly trying to hype yourself up to get ready.
âYouâre not even gonna talk to him? Whatâs the point then?â Naeun groans at that.
âYou know that if I open my mouth around him Iâll pee myself. Come on, and you deserve to have some fun after all that hard work,â And so half a bottle of soju and an hour later, you find yourself covering one of your ears as you descend the stairs to the Beehive club. You feel the bass of the song travel up your legs as you enter the club, and are offered free drink coupons. Itâs when youâre squeezing a lemon slice into your mouth at the bar that you feel a hand tap against your shoulder. You turn to see Haneul, a grin gleaming even in the dark of the club as she squeals and pulls both you and Naeun into a hug.
âMy favourite girls, how have you been?â She shouts against the booming music against your ears, to which you give her a thumbs up while Naeun further squeezes herself against Haneul's figure in excitement, the alcohol already making her feel giddier. She pulls you towards the dance floor, muttering about how she has a VIP booth that someone had offered her, and leads the way. Plopping down, Haneul gestures for staff before saying something into his ear, before giving a wink and pointing at the VIP booth youâre settled at.
As you three start conversing, the staff comes back with more drinks, and Haneul encourages you to drink, assuring you that itâs attached to the tab of the booth. âSome guy called Jay has this booth under his name, and he said to put any drinks I wanted on the tab,â You toast your free drinks against one another, the clink of the glasses barely audible as you each take a sip. Haneul shares the anecdotes and stories that have while she was away on vacation, while you and Naeun nod and react accordingly, slipping in your commentaries at the climax of her stories.
âWhat about you two? Any news recently?â She takes a sip from her straw as she says this, glancing between the two of you excitedly. You and Naeun share a sheepish glance, knowing neither of you has anything as exciting to share.
âOh come on, what have you been doing these days?â
âJust work,â Naeun frowns as she says this.
âAnd school,â You follow up.
âYouâre right, and school. And then work again,â
âAnd schoââ
âYou guys are miserable,â Haneul scoffs jokingly. She reaches for the bottle of champagne that's sitting in the ice bucket, grabbing two clean glasses. âHere, have more drinks so you can have something exciting to tell me later on,â Although mixing your drinks is never good, the loud music and the flashing lights encourage you to drink more, and your body craves to let loose.
Two glasses and a twenty-minute dance break later, youâre at a corner of the club huddling near each other. Naeun had caught a glimpse of Jeno at the bar, and the alcohol in her system removed all brain-to-mouth filters she had.
âHeâs soââ She cups her face as she hiccups. âSo fine. So so fine. You know, when we were at our lecture⌠the other day with Haechanâs âŚcomeback or, fuck, butter floor, he spoke to us,â Her warm eyes fluttered as she thought back to that moment. âJeno said real words, in real life and my ear heard them. I think he looked at me too, what the fuck?â She grabs her forehead as if taking the information in for the first time before she presses her head against your shoulder.
âSheâs not being delusional, he did speak to us,â You nod your head at Haneul as she shoots you a questioning look, with Naeun clinging onto you harder. âHe even helped us go out through the back door so we donât end up all oily with the butter rink.â Naeun snorts, which catches all of you off guard and even herself, her eyes opening and locking onto something in the middle of the dance floor. Her gaze suddenly shifts, and before you know it sheâs shoving her way through the crowd and heading towards her target.
âWhat is sheâ? Oh no, fuck,â You gasp while Haneulâs mouth hangs open when you both see Naeun heading toward Jeno, whoâs dancing with someone at the moment, at full speed.
Haneul looks at you with contemplation. âI mean⌠it could turn out for the better?â She tries.
âOr she would wake up embarrassed as fuck for the next week or so,â You contemplate with her. Naeun is never the type to be aggressive, even when she's drunk. The most sheâs done once was point a finger at you while she was angry and then look away to calm herself down.
But before you could relax back into your corner, you see her reach up for her earrings.
âOkay, fuck. Take this, Iâll be back,â Shoving your drink in Haneulâs hand, you make your way through the crowd and towards Naeun, rushing before she reaches her imminent doom. Jeno and his dancing partner are oblivious to the devil baby that Naeun takes the form of at the moment, which gives you hope that embarrassment can be evaded.
But then she full-body slams into Haechan.
âWoah,â He places his free hand on her shoulder, stopping her from tipping all the way to the right and losing her balance. The cup in his other hand now seems to be empty as its contents drip from both of their bodies, but Naeun is too drunk to notice and Haechan seems to have barely processed anything, seemingly working on autopilot at this point. You catch Naeun by the waist, your other hand going to her arm and slinging it around your shoulder to ground her, inspecting the mess she made. Your expression is apologetic when you make eye contact with Haechan, but he merely purses his lips and gestures putting Naeunâs other arm around himself for more support.
You mouth a âthank youâ and heave her body outside of the dance floor and towards the booth Haneul had brought you to earlier. Placing her on the couch, she slumps down and immediately whines when her hand makes contact with her torso on the descent.
âIâm all sticky nowâŚâ Her eyes are barely open as she says this, as the bass of the music dwindles in the semi-confines of the booth.
âThat makes the two of us,â As Haechan says this, your eyes glance over his figure to see his once white button-up is now tinted blue and sticking to his body, outlining the faintest of lines in the dark of the club. You advert your eyes, not wanting to be caught gawking at him like a man in the Victorian era.
âIâm so sorry, thank you for helping,â You bite your lip momentarily, feeling mortified for ruining his shirt. He merely waves you off, âDonât worry. Iâm not too fussed about it,â His hand is placed at his hip as he says this, but his free hand gestures at your intoxicated friend. âBut she seems to be the most bothered out of all of us,â
As if on cue, Naeun whines from her slumped position on the couches, shifting left and right in an attempt to gain some leverage into standing up, only to slip back down. She calls for your name and then squints at Haechan as if trying to remember his.
âNaeun, letâs call it a night, yeah?â You try telling her and you look around to find her bag that sheâs left. She protests like a child in a grocery store, huffing as she droops further onto the couch, her cheek now pressed against the cushions.
âNo, not until I bag the class clown's hot friend.â Your eyes widen as you feel your cheeks grow hot, trying your best to not glance over at Haechan and somewhat blow Naeunâs cover. You reach over and pat her cheeks lightly in a warning.
âNaeun, youâre blabbering nonsense now. Come on, letâs get going.â
âIâm not! Iâm talking about Jeno, not nonsense. Haechanâs super hot friend Jeno,â Your whole body does a reset as she says this, shoulders going stiff while Naeun is oblivious to everything. She opens her eyes and locks them on something behind you, now pointing her finger and smiling giddily.
âOh! Look, Haechan is here! Hey, do you think if I ask reallyyy nicely heâllââ Her next words are muffled by your hand and a forced laugh. You cast a look at Haechan to see him trying and failing to contain a smile, as his hand pushes at the corner of his mouth. Upon making eye contact with you he quickly looks away and tries to retain himself from laughing. You sigh as you think about the number of things youâd have to run down to sober Naeun tomorrow about drunk Naeunâs antics right now. Gathering both of your things and shrugging your jacket on your friend, you quickly grab a tissue paper from the table and the eyeliner pen from Naeunâs bag, scribbling down your phone number.
Once Haechan has regained his composure, heâs met with your hand extended towards him holding a napkin. He picks it up from your hand as you wave it a bit impatiently before you quickly go to shoulder your friend up.
âThis is my number, send me your details and Iâll cover for your shirt and the drink,â You grunt as you adjust Naeunâs deadweight before she gets the memo and tries standing on her two feet. âThank you again for helping, uh, please ignore everything she just said. I know itâll be a good payback prank butââ
âHey, donât worry,â Haechanâs chuckle resounds deep even in the loud bass of the club. âI wouldnât pull anything on her for this.â He comes to Naeunâs opposite side, grabbing her arm and throwing it over his shoulder, heading towards the exit of the club without casting a glance back at you. You fumble with your belongings before quickly catching up, heels clicking as you ascend the stairs, your hands hovering around Naeunâs general direction, in fear that sheâll decide to fling herself off Haechanâs grip in an attempt of brushing her drunkenness off.
Outside of the club, cars whizz by the busy streets as people go for second and third rounds of drinks at this time of the night. Haechan lets Naeun sink into the ground as the latter pulls her weight, and you scramble towards her on the floor.
âAre you gonna hurl?â You ask. She hiccups.
âNo,â And thatâs all you needed to hear. Standing up, you fish out your phone and decide to call a cab back to your dorms, not wanting to carry your friend in the ten-minute walk back.
âHey,â Haechan calls and you had momentarily forgotten that he was still here. You look up to see him scratching at his neck, mulling over his next words. âUh, if youâd like, I didnât drink anything andâ I mean I was going to but then your friend just⌠What Iâm saying is that I can drop you off?â The alcohol swimming in your brain may be playing with you, but you think you see a dust of pink settle into the boyâs cheek and neck.
âI mean, youâre Haneulâs friends, right? I remember you were her roommate at the dorms last year, so if you still live there I can drop you off,â He straightened his shoulder as he said this, now looking more confident about his offer.
You shift your weight, as you now actually get to take a good look at him. Under the club's dark and strobing lights, you could barely see his features far past his white button-up shirt and the light reflecting in his eyes. The street light illuminates the figure in front of you fully, allowing you to see the blue stain in his shirt, but also the tight fit of his jeans and the veins adorning his arms as he pushes up his sleeves at his elbows.
âOh, thanks. But we should be okay. Iâm sorry for the trouble.â Youâre a bit flustered as you say this, your eyes flickering from his forearms to his face, not wanting to come off rude but also not being able to contain your monkey-sex brain from forming thoughts. Youâre salivating over forearms.
âOkayâŚwait. Here,â He fishes out his phone from his pocket, typing in the phone number that you handed to him earlier in the night, calling you briefly. âGive me a text when you arrive home or if you need any help with warding off any weirdos.â You feel your stomach warm at his gesture, punching your name into his phone when he gives it to you. When you give it back to him, he mouths your name, before smiling at you.
âWill you be alright going alone?â He says as he helps you bring Naeun to a stand, the latter squeezing her eyes open and trying to regain balance and focus.
âYup,â You pop, fixing your friend's bag on her shoulder. âShe said she wasnât gonna throw up, which means I have around twenty minutes until she changes her mind. Sheâs always the most self-aware pre-vom, so the walk back should be okay,â You donât know why youâre reassuring him from getting kidnapped on your way back, but it feels nice to have someone care for your safety like this. Naeun starts marching away once you face her in the direction of your unit, and with a last wave goodbye, you turn your back to Haechan and the club.
[FRIDAY; 1:26 AM]
you: hii im home now
haechan: thats good
haechan: did she thrw up yet??
you: nah not yet
you: but weâre getting there
you: t-minus three secs
haechan: remember to drink water b4 u sleep
you: okayy thank u for today :)
Telling Naeun how she almost embarrassed herself wasnât as dreadful when she was fighting a hangover. She seemed to be more concerned about her water intake than almost causing a scene with Jeno at the club, complaining about the dryness of her skin.
âI canât believe you let me go to sleep without telling me to wash my make-up off,â She says this as she adds her expensive serum to her face, grabbing a guasha tool and pressing the cool instrument against her temples, completely disregarding its original use. You continue brushing your teeth next to her against the sink, unable to reply with the foam in your mouth.
âYou passed out on the toilet after throwing up, I almost threw up myself trying to bring you to your bed,â You say as you spit out your toothpaste.
âWait, then how did I not cause a scene?â
âHaechan stopped you,â You reply seamlessly, drying your hands on the hand towel, oblivious to the bewildered stare Naeun throws your way.
âHaechan? Like, Jenoâs friend Haechan? The guy who put red food dye in the campusâ water which made everyone's mouth red?â You remember the initial shock of walking by the water fountain the day he did this, the blood red of the water being a stark contrast to the gloomy winter weather last year.
âYeah, you even spilled his drink on him and everything.â You giggle at the groan that she lets out, covering her face with her hands.
âOh my god, heâs gonna now plant a hidden alarm in my room like he did to this other guy in the dorm, or put plastic cockroaches in everything I own. I canât believe I did that, was his shirt white?â
âNot after you spilt his neon blue drink,â You egg on even more. âBut donât worry, he said he wonât pull anything on you.â At that, her shoulders slump down in relief, as she leans against the doorframe of the bathroom.
âIâm safe,â She cheers, heading to the kitchen like nothing had happened. But being the drama queen that she is, she quickly turns to look back at you with a sharp gasp. âBut you arenât!â
You roll your eyes at her dramatics. âWhat do you mean? Why would I not be safe?â You disregard her sceptics as you pass by her and into the kitchen, opening the fridge to look for something to eat.
âHe said that he wouldnât do anything to me, but he didnât say anything about you.â For someone whos nursing a hangover, itâs alarming to see her raise her voice and move as swiftly as she does around you, trying to get you as panicked as she is about her made-up scenario. âHe can glitter bomb your bag, or hack your laptop so that whenever you have an assignment it doesnât go through until a few seconds after it's due, orââ You cut your friend off by stuffing cereal in her mouth, stopping her mid-rant.
âWhy would he do that to me? You have to know he only did those to relevant or well-known people, like Somi or Sunghoon. He wouldnât do some grand prank on someone like me.â You turn to pour your chosen cereal into a bowl. âAnd if you say anything else, just know Iâm ignoring you.â
âButââ
âIâm ignoring you,â
âYou canât do this to mââ
âIgnoring youuuu,â
You donât hear of or see Haechan until Wednesday, when youâre walking to your second class of the day from the library.
Adjusting your items in your bag, you wouldnât have noticed his presence at all until he had cleared his throat and brushed his shoulder lightly against yours.
âOh,â Your eyes widen by reflex, taken aback by his sudden approach before they soften again at the smile adorning his face. âHi,â
âHey, you heading to class?â He small talks, and maybe you should spend less time with your roommate, because what should be a simple interaction between you and one of your peers is putting you on edge. Even when you had ignored Naeunâs dramatics about you being dunked on by the boy before you, you canât deny the jittery feeling coursing through your body, as if your body is gearing in to go into fight-or-flight mode.
Not wanting to come off rude, you hum an agreement and attempt to cast a friendly glance at him, which doesnât last long as you see him looking back at you.
âDid you, uh, have fun?â You attempt at making small talk, but Haechan looks at you quizically at your lack of context. âAt the club, that night. Sorry for interrupting your night and ruining your shirt.â You canât help but circle back, feeling apologetic when you recall the massive blue stain you had left him in.
âHey, donât sweat it. I hated that shirt anyway,â You gape at him as he says this, but quickly close your mouth shut and roll your eyes when you see the teasing glint flashing in his eyes. âAnd donât worry about the prank thing too, I wouldnât think about pranking a pretty girl like you,â You flush momentarily, but remember that youâre talking to âthe biggest flirt on campusâ. Haenulâs words, not yours.
âGood to know,â You egg him on, feeling your shoulders slump down as you grow more relaxed in his company. His jovial manner eases your thoughts of him coming after you, as his presence in front of you proves that heâs merely another student on your campus, trying to have fun and get by with crippling student debt.
Small talking a bit more as you head towards your tutorial, you revel in the drama he tells you that has occurred after you had left the club, remembering to list down the details to recall back to Naeun when you see her later. Itâs when youâre at the door of your classroom when Haechanâs phone buzzes in his pocket.
âI have a call to take, but Iâll see you around?â He looks at you with a friendly smile, and it takes everything in you not to melt right there. You can see why some of the girls in your year are fond of him.
Waving him goodbye, you wait until he turns a corner before you go towards your class. Youâre just a few minutes late, which explains why youâre met with the nearly closed door of the classroom. Readily, you grip the handle and creak open the door, eyes ready to scan around the room for a vacant spot for you to sit at. But before you could comprehend much, youâre suddenly soaked cold.
Turns out, there was a bucket of water placed on the top of the door, which explains why there was a slight gap instead of the door being closed like it usually is when your tutorial begins. No one in the class had a clue of why the bucket was there or thought to dismantle the bucket, not wanting to mess with the inevitable of something occurring. The door you had entered from wasnât a main door to the room either, but instead, a back door that barely anyone used, so they were all equally shocked when you had chosen to walk through the obscure entry. Oblivious to the minute signs, you walked right into the classroom and were immediately met with water and a few cubes of ice.
You convey all of this to Naeun when she sees you damper than normal at the campus cafe, where you two usually meet during your free periods; youâre usually dryer than this, so it wasnât hard for her to realise. She laughs, because is she truly Naeun if she doesnât laugh at your demise, but then she falls silent, brows now furrowed.
You look at her in question. âWhy do you look like youâre a shiver away? Iâm the one whoâs soaked.â
âOh my god, Haechan did this to you,â She completely ignores your words, making her point with theatre-level dramatics.
You wave your hand at her, disregarding her theory. âHe couldnât have. He was walking with me when I was headed to class.â
âExactly!â She exclaims, the hot coffee sloshing around in her cup as she almost jumps out of her seat. You flinch at the handling of the hot drink. âHe walked with you to distract you from the fact that heâs gonna pull something. He mustâve set it up before and came around to slow you down. I mean come on,â She slams her cup down on the saucer. âA phone call right when you reach your class? Isnât that too obvious?â And you hate to admit it, but Naeun does have a point. The main topic of your conversation was about him not pulling anything on you, only for you to walk into his trap just a few minutes later.
âOh my god,â You slouch against the booth seat of the cafe, the information slowly settling in. âButââ
âWhy you?â
âWhy that prank?â
Now itâs Naeunâs turn to look at you quizically. âWhat?â
You feel incredulous now, heat building up inside you. âA fucking bucket of water? Thatâs it? Is that all he could think of; heâs the same person who filled a whole lecture room with ping-pong balls and tied his roommate's bed to the door with rope. Why was my prank so low-effort?â Naeun now realises the anger budding within you, as she looks around the cafe when your voice raises slightly. She splays her hands out in front of you in a lieu to calm you down, but youâre too warped in your fury to acknowledge her attempts.
âWater? Water? With like, four cubes of ice, and thatâs it. Is that all Iâm worth? He couldnât put a glitter bomb in every second purse of mine, or change my exâs contact name to yours, or anything.â You down your drink quickly, feeling too worked up to be cooped in the booth of the cafe. Naeun follows after, quickly gathering her things and putting her laptop and pens in her bag. You would feel bad for cutting your study session short, but she was barely studying, so the guilt dwindles just a bit. The anger overpowers it by a margin.
âHey, what are youâ donât go and do something stupid.â Naeun tries as she loops her arm with yours.
You sigh when she squeezes your bicep, feeling the heat inside you cool down just a bit. âIâm not gonna do anything. If anything, if I act like it affected me and lash out at him, it would be exactly what he wants.â
âSo youâre gonna act like nothing happened?â You nod your head with hesitation.
âWell, something along the lines,â
It is no surprise that Haechan thrives on attention. Thatâs the sole reason why he continues with these pranks, and it doesnât take a psychology major to figure this one out. You did think about pulling something back on him, maybe like pantsing him in the middle of campus or putting some hair removal cream in his shampoo so he thinks heâs slowly balding, but even with how embarrassing and risky they are âyou donât want to leave a huge impact on him, just ruffling his feathers a bit, you know heâll revel in the attention regardless. So you go for the next best thing.
Ignoring him.
It was a good idea when you and Naeun were walking and passed by his group of friends, who exchanged some pleasantries with you, your friend barely holding it together at Jenoâs eye smile. You held eye contact and waved at Renjun and Jeno, but barely spared a glance towards Haechanâs direction, and when you finally did, you just gave him a blank stare.
You think it worked when you saw the corner of his lip slip down from the smile he was sporting, and you almost felt bad for acting so cold to someone who didnât do anything. Then you remind yourself that he did, in fact, do something. You thought it would be enough to do this just a few more times when you see him in the next few months of the semester, and you barely see him so it shouldnât be too hard. But itâs like fate has a personal vendetta against you, because ever since that fateful night, you see him everywhere.
You barely remember him coming into the campus library, let alone the quiet corner that you huddle yourself in to get your grind on. So itâs safe to say that you were shocked when you feel a tap on your shoulder only to look up and see Haechan looming over you, a shy smile sporting his face at the prospect of reaching out to you.
âHey,â He greets, his hand tugging at his earlobe as if shy. He looks at the seat opposite yours, as if wanting to sit there. You feel shame burn inside you when you donât go to offer the seat, but you attempt to dwindle it when you remind yourself that you had to sit soaked throughout the entire class because participation is mandatory for your grades.
âHow was your class the other day,â Your grip on your pen tightens as he says this, and youâre sure that the tilt in the corner of his mouth is to keep himself from laughing at you straight to your face. But you donât give in, and instead nod your head with your eyebrows slightly raised, as if exasperated.
âIt was okay,â You can only keep your replies short instead of ignoring him by keeping silent. His lingering form by your table and your avoidant gaze is already fueling the awkward air surrounding you, but youâre not giving in until he does.
And it seems like heâs not backing out anytime soon. â Oh, I heard from Haneul that youâre planning on picking up cross-cultural management next session? I took that course last year so if you wanted some notes I can send them to you,â Fuck. How is he so good at this? His words make you think about your initial assumptions, and looking at his face, he does seem genuine about his offer, the tips of his ears now growing pink.
You soften a bit, ready to apologise to him for being overstrung, but then his gaze goes to something behind you, and now he covers his mouth with his palm as if stopping himself from bursting with laughter.
Confused, you turn around to see what was so hilarious for him to shift his demeanour so suddenly, only to be met with his friends, Jeno and Renjun, who go cartoonishly still at your attention. Of course, all of this is a running joke for him; sweetening up to you after the incident just so he can prove that no one can resist him.
Scoffing, you shut your laptop and gather your things, ignoring Haechanâs noise of surprise with your sudden movement, shoving everything in your bag and shouldering it. âI have to head out now, forgot that Naeun wanted to meet me before her class.â You make up an excuse as you look at your phone for the time. Naeun is taking a diligent afternoon nap at this very moment back in your dorm, completely oblivious to the trials youâre facing; but he doesnât need to know your every move.
You almost slip out a âsorryâ as a reflex, but one glance back at the shocked faces of both Haechan and his subordinates brings you back, as you merely give him a tight smile before brushing past him.
âOkaâ Iâll see you around!â Your shoulder bunches up at his volume as you hastily make your way out of his presence and the building.
Stepping into the radio broadcasting club room, you greet everyone present, apologising for being late.
âI got caught up on the way,â You take a seat at the table, putting your bag on the ground. Naeun, whos seated next to you, taps repeatedly at your bicep as a greeting, squealing away from you when you attempt to deliver a pinch to her skin.
âDid you get another bucket of water dunked on you?â Your senior Yubin comments, making everyone in the room laugh. You deliver a strained chuckle as Naeun casts a worried glance at you, but you wave her concern away
âYubinâs just kidding, youâre not late either, we just sent Minseok to pick up the pizza boxes. Then after weâre done eating we can start brainstorming for the university mini carnival event.â Sohee softly informs, looking up from her clipboard to give you a kind smile.
âIf anything, Jihoonâs the person we have to chastise. He texted saying heâll be here in five minutes fifteen minutes ago.â Juyeon huffs at his phone screen.
As if on cue, the door opens and in comes Jihoon, but he isnât alone.
âSorry for coming in late, but look what I found along the way. Isnât he so cute?â He coos at Haechan who stands beside him, looking at his friend incredulously, mockingly raising his hand. Ignoring Haechanâs disdain for his words, he pinches at his cheeks as he looks towards Yubin and Sohee. âCan we keep him? I always wanted a pet bear,â Â
Naeun leans in towards you. âHeâs more of a cocaine bear than a pet.â You smack at her as she whispers this to you, reminding her of restraint. âYouâre not the best at whispering, babeâ You tease. âKeep your tone down if you also donât wanna get dunked on.â
You feel your heart melt when you see look towards Haechanâs direction and see his cheeks turning pink. It seems like youâre not the only one when you hear a chorus of dreamy mutterings echo throughout the room. He swats at Jihoonâs hand before tilting his head lightly at the two leaders of the club. âI wanted to make sure this devil spawn doesnât make a mess every step he takes. Iâll head out now,â He starts to wave at everyone in the room but sounds of disapproval travel around, and before he knows it Haechan is being dragged by Jihoon and Juyeon to take a seat at the table. In the midst of all the commotion, he looks up and catches your gaze, making you still in your seat, before heâs handled once more to sit down.
âYouâre more than welcome to join us,â Yubin beams, and not for long Minseok comes in with a mountain of pizza boxes in his grip.
You see the tip of his ears turn red (something you now notice that you see a lot) as he thanks your seniors. âIâll be out after I steal your food,â He grins, and it takes much more than your initial willpower to look away.
So far, you were willing to categorise seeing Haechan manifesting everywhere as chance; maybe some sick and twisted form of coincidence. Because before all of this, if you were to get a dollar for every time you had encountered him throughout your whole degree, you would have six, maybe seven dollars if you count that one Zoom call. You had your doubts in the beginning when you saw him at the library and then at your club meeting, that he was doing all of this on purpose; but every other time you would see him in the hallways and lecture halls, you canât chalk it up to anything but pure coincidence. Haechan is a uni student doing uni-student activities.
It takes you some time to get that idea jammed into your head, and youâve nearly convinced yourself until today. A relaxing wind-down with one glass of wine turned into you finishing a whole bottle, which amplified your cravings for something sweet. Meeting in the breakfast aisle in your local grocer shouldnât be something shocking, but you canât wrap your head around the fact that he, too, decided to purchase cereal at 4 a.m. on a Tuesday.
âNope,â You immediately put the two boxes of cereal you were choosing back on the shelf clumsily, looking around for the nearest exit in the opposite direction.
âHey, waitââ
âNo, nope. Not at all,â Youâre now putting back all the drunk midnight cravings youâve picked up, shoving them back in their designated areas on the shelf haphazardly as you make your way back out of the place. Your drunk and sleep-deprived brain canât handle the fact that youâre supposed to interact with Haechan here, out of all the socially acceptable exchanges. You hear a shuffle behind you, but you canât bring yourself to look back around, focusing entirely on exiting the store without tripping over anything.
Outside, the cold of the night engulfs you as you try to find your bearings, but youâre stopped from lumbering your way back to your dorm by a hand grabbing your arm.
âY/n, slow downââ
âStop manifesting yourself into my life,â You groan as you weakly prod away his hand, but his soberness gives him an upper hand, as he merely grabs your hand and holds you by your wrists instead.
âManifesting? Iâm notâ actually, thatâs not even important. Is there anyone with you tonight?â You groan lightly, still trying to free yourself from his grip. âNaeun?â He prods.
You sigh when you realise heâs not giving up anytime soon. âNaeun is at home, waiting for the Oreo cereals I was gonna impulse buy. Or maybe sheâs dreaming about them? I donât know,â You mumble, hands now lax in his grip, head tilted down. When you donât hear a reply, you look up and are met with Haechan fishing his phone out of his pocket before pressing the dial button.
âHi Jen, Iâll meet you at the dorms, itâsâŚâ He glances at your slumped figure, and youâre not sure if the heat in your cheeks is due to the drinks or his attention on you. âA long story. I wonât be long.â Pocketing his phone after ending the call, he lets go of your wrists in favour of clasping his hand into yours, fingers interlocking as he starts heading in the direction of your dorms.
âWhat are youâŚâ The dark of the night doesnât help you navigate your way back, so youâre slightly grateful that Haechan is guiding you the way he is.
âOur dorm buildings arenât far from one another. I canât let you go home alone in this state,â He answers your question before you could even voice it, looking at you with a soft gaze. He chuckles when you go to look away from him every time he looks at you, squeezing the grip he has on your hand.
The walk is silent for the most part, but Haechanâs brows are furrowed as he thinks about something. Just as you start seeing the entrance of your dorm building, Haechan starts. âWhy are you ignoring me?â
The heat in your cheeks disperses momentarily as a cold wave washes over you. The heat comes back when your wide eyes meet his questioning gaze, and you canât help but squirm in place from being put on the spot.
âThatâs cheating,â You slur with a frown. âAsk me when Iâm sober. Or when youâre also a bottle of wine in.â
âA whole bottle? Jesus,â He laughs lightly as you groan, tightening his hold on your hand when you try to run away. The pull of his grip catches you off guard, as you stumble forward and closer to his figure. âI hope you can keep a promise, pretty girl.â He teases. Before you can retaliate, he plops you at the entry of your dorm building, swiping the access card to the building poking out of your front pocket and on the reader, before removing his hand from yours and dropping the card back in your possession. You already miss the warmth of his touch, but by the time you look back up, youâre only met with his retreating back.
âHey, youâre just in time. Did you know that if I did a handstand for almost two minutes straight I can get myself to feelâ Why are you empty-handed?â Naeunâs slurs have toned down since you last saw her, but itâs still there. You sigh as you plop yourself face down onto the couch.
âNaeun?â Your voice comes out muffled from the couch cushions, but Naeun hears you regardless, grunting a reply as she shuffles from her position on the floor, probably to find a not-empty bottle of alcohol.
âYou know that saying about seducing the things that scare you?â You move your head out from the cushion halfway through your question, wanting to breathe more than to wallow for once.
âOhhh, I know what youâre talking about,â She hiccups only once. âThe fearing what you attract.â
âAttracting your fears.â
âTomato-tomato. What are you trying to say?â
âI donât think they were lying about it,â You had only possessed the fear of saying Haechan in the past few weeks, and now you only see him. If only you were that much fearful of money.
âAre you serious?â Naeun straightens her posture quickly. âIâm so scared of puppy play. Like, truly terrified. If someone handsome were to come up to me with a collar around their neck and a leash in their hand I would scream in fear,â
âOkay, I got it the first time.â
âI donât think you understand, if they were all whiny about how they wanna be my pet and have me stroke theââ
âI get it!â
Although you had came to the epiphany that youâre attracting what you fear (you donât know if the exaggerated gasp you let out when you walk by a bank or ATM helps, but itâs worth a try) you still canât get yourself to not think of Haechan when you walk around campus.
But you donât see him for the entire week after your last drunk interaction with him, and youâre not sure if you should be relieved or scared. So you choose to be both simultaneously, When you step into your corner of the library, your heart beats like youâve run a marathon, only to be met with the usual vacantness it always was. You then go through your usual tasks until you have to a secondary location, and before you know it youâre nervous for simply wanting to walk to the bathroom.
âAm I going to constantly piss my pants every step I take on campus?â You complained over dinner with Naeun, as she constantly flips the meat on the grill to avoid burning it.
âIf you keep thinking about him, then I think the answer is obvious.â She puts one slice on your plate before continuing. âBut also maybe take this as a sign? Heâs not popping up randomly anymore, which means that your life is like it was before.â Your reflex is to fight back for no other reason than to counteract your friend, but you cut yourself short when you realise she has a point. Ever since that fateful night, your life is now like it was before you had briefly acquainted with the man.
And so youâre not scared anymore. You even forget to double-check your surroundings to see if heâs anywhere in sight. Your life is as peaceful as a student's life can be. Of course, until it isnât.
The universityâs yearly fundraising festival had come around again, and the broadcasting club had decided to run a barbeque booth to raise their supply funds. You were assigned to take orders, while Juyeon and Yubin tended to the skewers. The heat of the booth mingles with the cool wind of the summer night, as you fan yourself with your hand, handling the money given to you as someone makes a new order.
âOne order of chicken skewer please,â You raise your voice enough for Juyeon and Yubin to hear over the sizzling noise of the grill, as you find the exact change to give back to the girl ordering. As the next customer shuffles up, youâre too busy writing down the order on a slip of paper to spare them a glance (which, if this was a running business, would not be counted as good customer service).
âWelcome! Would you like to order our rice cake skewer? We have a special combo of two for the price of one,â
âHow much is it for a few minutes of your company?â You feel your blood run cold upon hearing his voice. Looking up, youâre met with Haechanâs gaze your eyes locking in an unexpected encounter. Adorning a smile on his face, he looks past you and greets your club members before you can think of what to say.
âHi Channie, how are you?â Yubin asks as she put a chicken skewer in a cup. Juyeon comes up next to you as he reaches out to pinch Haechanâs cheeks. âHey there cutie, do you wanna do us a favour and buy everything from our booth?â He flutters his eyelashes just for good measure.
Haechan chuckles as he smacks his friend's hand away. âIâm the wrong person, only Chenle has enough money to do that. But can you do me a favour and let me steal your beloved club member?â You donât realise that heâs talking about you, until you see his hand gesturing towards your figure as he looks at you. Youâre about to protest, your brain already conjuring something up about how you have the heavy duty of being the boothâs designated accountant for the night, but Yubin is always a step ahead.
âGo ahead! Her turn was gonna end soon anyway, Sohee is gonna arrive in a few minutes with more of our supply,â She beams at you as she waves you two off. Before you can say anymore, Juyeon is shoving you out of the way, and you have no other choice but to trudge after him.
You walk side by side in silence, as the noise of the multiple booths being run by different clubs and societies encapsulate you two. You try your best to look at everything but him, even when you feel him stealing glances at your figure.
The silence doesnât last long, though, as Haechan speaks up after looking around at the booths set up. âItâs quite stuffy with all these booths and people,â Not knowing what to say, you merely glance at him as you nod along. He purses his lips, before trying again.
âYou must be feeling pretty warm, running the grill and managing everything at the booth. Jihoon used to complain all the time about how hot it got when he was in charge of these things." It's true you've been avoiding the grill area, so youâre not necessarily overheating, but does he deserve to know?
You hear him lightly huff when you just give a shrug and an ambiguous sound, but he doesnât back down. âDo you want me to get you something to help you cool? Maybe ice cream or a can of coke.â You're on the verge of giving your umpteenth non-verbal response of the evening, but when you look at the boy walking next to you, youâre met with a glare and a quick snarl of his lips. Faced with his insistence, you decide to speak up.
âIâm okay,â You thought this would appease him, but it seems like anything you couldâve done would eventually send him over the edge. You feel his hand clasp onto your wrist before youâre being dragged away from the congested corridor of booths and into a secluded corner of the campus grounds. Even in the shade of the tree, the little light that slips through the lampost nearby highlights the frustration on Haechanâs face, both arrogance and apprehension flood your senses as you realize that his frustration might be a result of something you've done.
His voice is calm when he speaks, âOkay, did I do something to offend you?â He briefly closes his eyes and mentally counts a few numbers before opening them and looking back at you again, this time with a calmer yet stern expression. But rather than soothing your irritation, this seems to send you over the edge.
âI donât know, did you?â You know youâre being childish, but thatâs the point. Youâre not planning on giving in until he apologises. By the look of confusion heâs sporting on his face, it doesnât seem like it's gonna happen anytime soon.
Admittedly, he does look cute when confused, as his front teeth poke ever so slightly from his slightly gaped mouth, as if heâs about to say something but blanked at the last second. âI did do something?â At your scoff, he gathers himself. âLook, if I did do anything, I didnât have any bad intentions. I wasnât trying to hurt you or anything.â But this explanation only sends you over the edge.
Your hands drop from where you had crossed them in front of your chest, as you give Haechan an incredulous look. âNo bad intentions? You didnât want to hurt me? Are you serious? The fact that you even did it is terrible, but such a useless, no-brainer prank?â Youâre too angry to notice Haechanâs shift of expression, as his scared grimace falls into another confused furrow of his brows.
âLike, a fucking bucket of water? Even a toddler can pull that. Couldnât you have done something harder, more creative? Something with more effort, like, I donât know, expired slime or a skateboard at the door. And I feel even more stupid because I believed you when you said you wouldnât prank me, I even defended you when Naeun was going off about how Iâd be your next target, and I turned out to be a fool, fuck. And for what? A lame bucket of water? Am I only worth that much?â You pause to catch a breather, hand splayed at your waist as you point the other accusingly at Haechan. He widens his eyes slightly, but then a smile falls on his face, and youâre sent spiralling.
âAre you smiling right now?â And at that, he starts laughing. Oh my god, you think, heâs a sociopath.
But Haechan starts laughing even harder, his body falling forward as he leans towards you, clutching your extended finger with his thumb and forefinger, shaking it around before folding over with laughter once more. Youâre so, so confused, and now a bit scared that Haechanâs gonna keel over and fall from how hard heâs laughing.
But you donât need to do such a thing, as he sobers up pretty quickly, straightening himself up and walking closer to you, while his hand now lightly holds your palm in his. You feel heat course through you, from the comfort of his hands holding yours and the sweet laughter that now rings in your head. You feel embarrassed that you bursted like that when you were so determined to make him fall to his knees and ask for your forgiveness. Instead, youâre left blushing like a schoolgirl who confessed with a heartfelt letter.
âOkay, okay. Wait, donât go sullen now.â You look away, your cheeks growing hotter at being so easily read. Haechan grips onto your hand that was lightly resting on his palm, grabbing your attention.
âI swear on Renjun that I didnât pull that prank on you. I didnât even know that happened to you.â Your first instinct is to not believe him, but heâs looking earnestly into your eyes, and the gentle squeeze of his hand in yours makes you melt.
âI donât know how I can prove it you that it wasnât me, But I told you I wouldnât do it and I always stick by my promises. I can maybe help you find who did it?â He offers this while smoothly clasping your hands together, fingers now lacing in yours. The intimate gesture sends a wave of flustered warmth through you, and his chuckle in response only confirms that your emotions are evident.
âWah,â He sighs bumping his shoulder into yours, âWhat a relief, I thought you were rejecting me before I could even muster the courage to ask you out.â
âWait, youââ Youâre interrupted as Haechan starts striding forward and back into the busy atmosphere of the campus. âHaechan, slow down.â Your voice gets lost in the throng of the crowd, the bustle of people and echoes of activities happening making it hard for your plea to reach his ears. That, or he's simply ignoring you.
In a blink, you're situated back at your booth, the savoury scent of skewed chicken and rice cake wafting through your nose. Haechan releases your hand, and you both face Sohee, who's manning the cashier with a somewhat indifferent expression. âHi, I just wanna return her,â Haechan says casually, his gaze shifting between you and Sohee.
Sohee regards the two of you with a blank stare, her expression unreadable. Haechan pats your shoulders twice before he waves the two of you goodbye. Sohee goes back to organising the money gained from tonightâs business, not sparing you another glance. âWe have a no return and refund policy, especially with damaged goods.â
âHey!â
Youâre not surprised when you see Naeun in the lecture hall, but you are slightly taken aback when you see her situated just a few seats behind Renjun and Jeno. When you rock up next to her, you let your eyes do the talking as you glance back and forth between her and Jenoâs back, with the latter all the more oblivious to whatâs happening.
She smacks at your leg before grabbing you and pulling to sit you down. âShut up,â
âI didnât even say anything?â
âYour empty brain echoes really badly when you conjure even a single thought,â Youâre too shocked to retort back (how did she think of that so quickly?), so you simply go to unpack your bag. When you sit back from organising your items, your eyes fall on the door of the lecture room, and youâre surprised to see Haechan stride in. Even in the middle of summer, he has a leather jacket swinging from his fingers at his shoulder, sporting a white graphic t-shirt tucked into his black jeans. Youâre about to say something to Naeun, maybe have her indulge in your admiration for a bit, only to be met with the same look youâre sporting but just aimed at the back of Jenoâs head.
When Jeno turns his head to greet his friend, Naeun quickly whips her head away, clearing her throat. You poked at her sides teasingly, as she squirms and smacks your hand away.
âI thought you were gonna âact chillâ around him?â Naeun huffs at your words.
âI am acting chill, Iâm basically freezing.â You raise your brows at her. âThereâs nothing chill about staring at the back of hiââ
Naeun smacks at your mouth when Renjun turns his face sideways, but the loud smack of skin garners more attention, as all three of them look back at you. As the other two merely glance briefly before going back, Haechanâs eyes stray longer while the corner of his mouth quirks up. You offer a simple wave and he flashes a smile before turning back around.
Naeun sighs as she releases her hand from your face, but quickly corners you with a glare. âWhat was that? Why was he smiling at you like that?â Youâre grateful that sheâs been practising her inner voice, as you know that Naeun from two weeks ago would have had the whole lecture hall aware of her words with how loud she whispers.
âLong story short, he didnât do it, and I think âŚâ Youâre not sure if you should tell Naeun about the possible confession that occurred. Not because you donât trust your friend but because youâre not even sure if that could be counted as a confession.
âHow are you so sure? Maybe he said it to get on your good side,â Naeun stares daggers at the back of Haechanâs head, but her gaze quickly softens when Jeno plays with his hair.
âI donât know,â You confess, âHe said he didnât do it, and I trust him.â Naeun surveys your expression for a bit with a glare, before nodding her head in acceptance.
âAlright, I trust your trust in him. But if he ever pulls anythingâŚâ You pinch your friend's cheek in gratitude. âI know, youâll have my back.â
âSpeaking of back, did you see Jenoâs when he stretched? Itâs okay if you havenât heâll do it again when we're a third through the lecture.â You slowly pat her shoulders, speechless once more as you sigh and try to tune her out for the rest of the lecture.
summary: you were sunghoon's first everything; first friend, first love, and first heartbreak. after years of quietly crushing on you, he was finally ready to confess. so ready to confess, that he told his parents the two of you were already dating! it was an easy enough lie to keep up and he kept it up for months, what could possibly go wrong? he thought. little did he know, you would have a falling out and stop talking for months.. and then, you'd both get invited to spend a week at home with his parents, who still believe you're his girlfriend.
genre: smut, fluff, angst, college au, childhood best friends to lovers, fake dating
warnings: minors dni, fake dating is pretty mild (sorry), she kinda doesnât rate him at the start, these two kind of exist in a vacuum a little bit idk i had a self-enforced word count to stick to and broke it.. (im within the 10% allowance !), sunghoon in a vest, sunghoon arms, sunghoon
word count: 21,858
playlist: click here.. (for my non-spotify babes, the main song is light by wave to earth (which for some reason i put last.. whatever))
author's note: for silly @asahicore. happy birthday pooks i hope it's amazing and that u enjoy reading this when u have the time !!! LOL (lots of love) also im never writing without telling you things again this was so absurd.
to everyone else.. ok happy reading also emma did not beta read this so im sure it's missing its charm .. anyway it's for emma not you đ anyway i hope u enjoy regardless and lmk ur thoughts! omg this is the first fic im nervous about posting.......... please enjoy or else.
In the three years since Park Sunghoon moved away for university, heâd been doing a pretty good job of going home to see his parents. Theyâd welcome their baby back to the nest with open arms and wide grins. With a rehearsed level of indifference, his younger sister, Yeji, would say, âOh, I didnât know you were coming home this weekend.â when she saw him at the dinner table. Sunghoon pretended to only be marginally hurt by this.Â
In the last three months, he hasnât so much as sent a text to his parents.Â
Or to you.Â
Ignoring texts from his mother is devastating. Between classes, he watches as, âHi, sweetie, I love you đ,â turns into, âMissing you, honey, know you must be busy but spare some time for your old mummy, no?â which turns into, âGetting really worried now, are you doing okay? Has something happened with YN? Talk to me, I love you, my baby boy!âÂ
Ignoring texts from you is easy because texts from you never come.Â
Sitting at the end of his bed, Sunghoon rereads a text his mother sent a few minutes ago: Please talk to me, son. Really worried and YN isnât answering calls either. Whatâs going on with you two?
When he leaves his room, he finds Jake lying on the couch, and with his keys in hand, Sunghoon says, âIâm going home.âÂ
And the drive is great! At least, he tells his mum it is. In truth, the drive home without you was nearly impossible. Your ever-expanding home time playlist buzzed through the speakers in his car, but without you there to screech along to the songs, it wasnât the same. He felt your absence the most when he stopped to get petrol and you werenât there behind him struggling to carry enough snacks to feed a small family without offering to pay.Â
The look of worry on his mumâs face stirs a pit in his stomach. âWhy are you so quiet these days? God, you look so tired,â she says, frowning. âIs it school? Or something with YN? Itâs not like her not to text back.â Her brows crease as she whispers the word unless. She pulls him into a hug, her chin resting perfectly on his shoulder, and her comforting hand strokes the hair on the back of his head. âBreakups are never easy, honey. Iâm so sorry, I know how much you love her.âÂ
Breakups are never easy. The sentence hangs heavy over his head.Â
Whether she knows it or not, sheâs handed him a get-out-of-jail-free card, the opportunity to set things straight, to end this mess once and for all. No further questions, and most importantly, no more lies.Â
For the first time since he left your flat three months ago, Sunghoon lets himself cry. Heâd imagined this moment countless times, his first cry since you ended things. In his mind, it was always intense. Today, as it happens, only a few salty tears leak from his eyes, spilling onto the cuff of his sleeve, darkening the blue cotton in tiny indigo splotches.Â
âWe didnât break up,â he says in a small voiceâfor some reason. âIâm just having a hard time.â Neither statement is technically untrue, but the words taste rotten in his mouth.
The tightening grip of his mumâs arms around his body is what brings on the harsh, shoulder-racking sobs heâd been anticipating. For a while, they stand like this, Sunghoon weeping into his mumâs cardigan until she sends him upstairs to lie down, promising a cup of tea that never comes.Â
His childhood bedroom is chilly, so he changes into clothes he left behind and climbs into bed, pulling his duvet up to his chin. He turns his head to look at the walls and the room around him, everything is exactly where he left it in the summer. It should be comforting, but itâs weird to be home without you.Â
There are photos of you and him everywhere, growing up and around each other through different stages of life. The two of you together during the summer your family moved in next door, you wore glasses back then and were the first friend heâd made in his life. Sunbathing and sharing earphones at the beach, listening to music together on your iPod classic. Sunghoon in thick glasses with a stiff smile and your arm around him on the first day of high school. Wide grins at the start of this summer, the last time things were okay between you.Â
Overwhelmed, he stares up at the ceiling, only realising heâs crying when a hot tear slips from his eyes to tickle his ear. Because Sunghoon likes to upset himself, he screws his eyes shut and thinks about the night before you stopped talking.Â
Though he didnât know it at the time, youâd left Yeonjunâs place to sit with him in a tiny restaurant on campus, the one youâd only visit to toast to each otherâs heartbreaks. It had become a ritual â ever since your first year boyfriend dumped you after two weeks â to cry as much as you wanted and drink as much soju as your bodies could handle before stumbling back to your apartments.Â
Having spent years suffering from an unrequited crush on his best friend, Sunghoon was always the one to comfort you. But that night was different; you were there to comfort him. It was easy enough to play the part of âboy whose crush likes someone elseâ because he spent your entire friendship in that role. Heâd had no problem accepting his fate, but his composure started to slip when you met Yeonjun. It was the first time youâd dated someone who Sunghoon had reason to be jealous of. In every way, Yeonjun was better than himâtaller, funnier, hotter. Sunghoon knew he didnât stand a chance. He took it personally, you liking Yeonjun instead of him, and let his jealousy consume him from the inside out.Â
This jealousy led him to start telling you about Minjeongâlying to you about Minjeong, and his feelings for her. She was a girl from a college out of town that he saw on his Instagram Explore page. He followed her by accident, and by some stroke of luck, she followed back. Sunghoon didnât really have feelings for her â he didnât even know her â but she was a girl that you didnât know, so you wouldnât be able to meddle.Â
It only took a few weeks for Sunghoon to become so upset about your relationship that he couldnât hide his emotions anymore. So, in a fit of tears, he told you over the phone that things ended badly with Minjeong, and he was in urgent need of a soju ceremony.Â
But the night was missing its usual comforts.
It was strange to be the one crying, to see you looking put together and ordering the food. To see you pouring the drinks and raising your glass to propose a toast to âHoonieâs first heartbreakâ. You were driving that night, so you only had a tiny sip of soju and let him drink as much as he needed, the way he always did for you, at the same table, in the same restaurant for years.Â
Hours later, in your car, you entertained his drunken rambles, though he remembers how your lips were set into a frown that he wanted to kiss away while you gripped the steering wheel like you thought it would run from you. Sunghoon was more drunk than heâd been in a while, drunk enough to let you sling his arm over your shoulders and keep him upright until you reached his flat.Â
The voices coming from Yejiâs room disrupt the memory. Heâs thankful.
âYour brotherâs going through something, so be nice to him this weekend.â His motherâs voice is her version of hushedâa loud whisper.Â
Yejiâs response is harder to make out, but he doesnât miss the way their mum says, âI mean it, missy.âÂ
A dramatic sigh rumbles through Yeji as she barges into his room without knocking. Sunghoon sits up, feeling an ache in his back and crossing his legs.Â
âMum told me to lay off you today, which is fine, but before I do, I need to tell you something.âÂ
Yeji pushes the door shut behind her, and the open window makes it slam, both of them flinching from the sudden noise. She pulls her hair out of a silk scrunchie and throws herself on the floor. A pang of irritation forms in his chest, knowing that he could immediately find the empty hanger in his wardrobe where the shirt sheâs wearing used to live.Â
âI hate you and your perfect golden boy image, Hoon. Would it kill you to fail a class for once? I donât know how Iâm supposed to carry on your legacy.â Sheâs looking up at him, her chin in her hands and irritation written in the crease between her thick brows.Â
Itâs impossible to know if itâs because of Yejiâs complete lack of boundaries or the fact that her âperfect, golden boyâ big brother is on track to fail three out of three classes and get cut from the hockey team, but Sunghoon immediately bursts into tears.Â
âOh, uh.. Iâm sorry?â Yeji offers. âI was kidding if that helps.âÂ
âIâm alright, itâs okay.â The tears donât stop stinging his eyes. âWhy do you want me to change everything about myself?âÂ
With a frown, Yeji pours out her frustration and mild resentment. She doesnât understand how Sunghoon effortlessly conquers every aspect of life while she struggles. Neither do their parents, who had been baffled by her plummeting grades since she moved to boarding school, especially when Sunghoonâs academic performance has only soared since he left for university. The weight of this perceived injustice pulls Sunghoonâs shoulders down with guilt as she talks about the expectations he has inadvertently set for her.Â
âBut other than that, Iâm good.â She shrugs, sitting with her legs out, and leaning back on her palms. âHowâs YN?â she asks. Itâs clear from the brightness in her voice that she thinks sheâs helping.Â
Sunghoon cries again.Â
Back on campus, heâs trying to scrape together whatâs left of his academic career with the help of two of the smartest guys he knows, and their friend Jay. Though the word âfriendâ feels a little strong at the moment given the way Jayâs goading him.Â
Sunghoon rolls his eyes, sitting back in his seat. âThereâs nothing you can do that I canât,â he says, meaning every word.Â
Jay scoffs, shrugging and raising his brow in a way that, over the years, Sunghoon knows to interpret as his âabout to say something ridiculousâ look. âPretty sure I could call YN right now, and sheâd answer.âÂ
Thereâs a pit in Sunghoonâs stomach as Heeseung turns his head in the other direction like heâs been slapped, trembling with stifled laughter. At least Jake doesnât hide his amusement, throwing his head back in a fit of giggles that draw nasty looks from the other students in the library. Sunghoon doesnât waste his energy trying to argue because Jayâs right.
Now composed, Heeseung turns back to the table, flipping through some of Sunghoonâs course materials to find whatever his class was doing in class that week. The English Literature class heâs taking â The Modernist Movement: Joyce, Woolf, and Hemingway â is the same class he had to send a million emails over the summer to get enrolled in, but itâs the same one Heeseung aced two years ago. Lucky for him none of the boys seem to be in the mood to make fun of him for trying so hard to have a class in common with you, and then practically failing out of it before the term had started properly.
âThis class is, like, beyond easy, dude.â Heeseung pauses to sniffle and twist the stud in his ear. âEveryone in my class aced it. How are you doing so badly already?âÂ
âI only took it because YN thought itâd be fun if we had a class together, but.. I kind of havenât been going since we stopped talking.â Sunghoon shrugs, pretending to be unaffected.Â
As if the mere mention of your name has some sort of summoning power, like saying Biggie Smalls in the mirror three times, you appear in his eye line, rounding the corner with a furious stride. Your demeanour crumbles when Jay waves at you, and you grin, waving back, but as soon as you look Sunghoon in the eye again, the rage comes back, and you smack a hand on the table when you reach it, leaning over to him.Â
âSunghoon, a word?â you ask.
He thinks youâre asking, but itâs hard to tell with the way you set your jaw afterwards, and the way the warmth of your signature vanilla scent hits him hard. Dazed, Sunghoon lifts a hand, pointing at himself. âMe?âÂ
âDoes anyone else at the table answer to Sunghoon?âÂ
âOkay,â he says, somewhat pathetically, nudging Jay for laughing at him.Â
As slowly as possible, Sunghoon pushes his chair from the table and stands up, following you to the corner of the references section where only anthropology students in scratchy thrift store knits, and Jay, come to check out encyclopaedias by volume. You look good, save for the rage written all over your faceâwhich, honestly, Sunghoon thinks he likes.
Sunghoon isnât sure what to expect, so he says, âHey.â Heâs being cautious, waiting a moment to gauge your reaction. âWhatâs gooooood?â His cheeks burn as soon as he closes his mouth around the vowel, but you laugh. You laugh, and itâs beautiful and happy, and youâre laughing because of himâor at him, but heâs glad either way.Â
Annoyance quickly clears all traces of amusement on your face. âWere you ever going to tell me weâre spending next week at Mum and Dadâs?â you ask.Â
Sunghoon gasps dramatically, clicking his fingers. âI knew there was something Iâve been meaning to do.âÂ
His attempt at lightening the mood falls flat, and you only nudge his shoulder gently, sighing. âCan you be serious? For once in your life, even for a second, can you please think about how the things you say affect me?â Youâre frowning, crossing your arms over your chest and looking at your feet. âItâs not fair, Sunghoon. For you to keep saying thingsâmaking plans involving me and then acting like Iâm the bad guy when I turn you down.âÂ
âI donât think youâre the bad guy at all,â Sunghoon admits. âIf anyone is in the wrong, itâs me, I guess.â
You scoff, looking at him like you hate him. âYou guess? Are you serious?â You look furious, but you sound hurt and Sunghoon hates it. Hates himself. âI canât have this conversation with you right now. Tell mum Iâm sick, and itâs contagious.â You roll your eyes and walk away, leaving Sunghoon alone with his thoughts and judgemental stares from students in crochet scarves so long they graze the floor.Â
He sighs, slumping against the wall. How does he keep getting it wrong with you?Â
Back at the table, Sunghoon manages to act like heâs not falling apart and makes some serious headway on his missing assignments with Heeseungâs help before they call it a day as the sun starts to set.Â
When he gets home, he lies down on his bedroom floor, spending hours pouring over the conversation you had. Over the minute changes in your facial expression, the tone of your voice, and the endless list of things he should have done, rather than watch you walk away.Â
The moment feels familiar, both identical to and worlds apart from what happened after you left three months ago. When he managed to scrape the last shreds of his dignity from the kitchen table, he dragged his feet to his room and lay down like he is now, face to the rug. That day, he left his door open and lay so still that Jake thought he was dead. Sunghoon remembers wishing he had been.Â
For once in your life, even for a second, can you please think about how the things you say affect me? The words run on a loop in his mind, over and over, until he canât remember the order of the sentence or where you put emphasis. Theyâre cutting all the same.Â
Sunghoon sighs into the itchy fibres of his black rug before rolling onto his back. In the diminishing purple light of the setting sun. he looks at the walls of his room. At the Fleetwood Mac poster, he stole from Jay when they moved out of their first year dorm, that curls away from the wall towards the ceilingâa diagonal strip of shiny tape being the only indication of the otherwise invisible tear through the face of Stevie Nicks.Â
Heâs glad when his phone rings, cutting through the quiet, though the sight of your name and the anatomical heart emoji next to it only dampens his spirit. Reluctantly, Sunghoon answers the phone, holding it to his ear.Â
âI just got off the phone with Dad..â You trail off. Tangible silence follows, so thick it weighs on his chest. âIâll go home with you.âÂ
âYou will?âÂ
âYes. Goodbye.âÂ
Sunghoon reaches your flat at five in the evening. You donât smile when you open the door for him, nor do you invite him in. Instead, you dump your bag at your feet and he cringes, looking from the floor to you. Youâre aggressively beautiful and cosy-looking as you pull a jacket over the sweater you wore that night. Sunghoonâs heart aches in his chest and he wonders if you even realise. Suddenly, the memory of the last thing you said the morning after hits him like a truck: Then letâs not be friends at all.Â
A familiar weight lands on his shoulderâyour hand. Concern lines your eyes as you ask if heâs okay.Â
With a lump in his throat, Sunghoon nods.Â
In the discomfort of his car, the two of you sit in silence while he starts the drive home.Â
âHowâs Yeonjun,â he asks, eyes flicking towards you but regretting it immediately when he sees how you clench your jaw.Â
âNo,â you say simply, shaking your head. âYou donât get to ask me about him.âÂ
These are the only words you exchange until Sunghoon stops for petrol. He has enough fuel for the rest of the journey, but he feels like dying and thinks the fresh air might quell his thoughts of running his car off the road. Like always, the two of you get out and head into the kiosk, where he follows you wordlessly through the aisles, watching you debate on snack choices before settling on the same things you always get. Sunghoon pays for your snacks and you roll your eyes but donât protest, mumbling thanks as you take them into your arms, leading the way back outside.
He knows he needs to tell you before you reach the house, but heâs not entirely sure how to say itâso he just does. âMy, uh.. my parents think weâre dating.â
You stop so suddenly in front of him that he almost bumps into you. Stepping around you, Sunghoon keeps walking.Â
Over the top of his car, he watches your face cycle through all five stages of grief until anger comes back around in the loop as you scoff. âWhy do they think that?â Your face is devoid of expression now, the blankness over your features dragging a sharp chill over his spine.Â
He stares blankly at you, processing. âBecause I told them weâre dating,â he mumbles.Â
âWhy did you.. do that?â You tilt your head, eyes pressing shut in a long blink. âWhat are you even talking about? Why did you.. What?âÂ
A thin layer of sweat coats his palms despite the cold. Why did he do that? âWe can stage a breakup during the trip or say we broke up right now,â Sunghoon offers. âJust one night, YN, please.âÂ
The wind whistles by, ruffling your hair and jacket that you hug tightly to your chest. Behind you, Sunghoon takes note of the group of girls standing by the pumps, all five of them jerking their heads abruptly when they notice him watching, suddenly finding interest in the scattered litter and flickering halogen bulbs in the steel canopy over their heads.Â
Youâre staring when he looks back at you, nostrils twitching with a sniffle before you sigh. âOr we could say that youâre a liar and end things there,â you say. âOr better yet, you go down there on your own and tell them the truth.â
Sunghoonâs gaze drops, his thoughts racing in his mind. He knows youâre right. At some point, his parents will have to find out, and itâd be better for them to find out now. Sunghoon sighs, nodding. âAlright,â he concedes. âIâll take you back.â
An angry laugh comes out of you as you shake your head. âNo need, Iâll walk.âÂ
The station youâre at is neatly nestled in the middle of nowhere, on a road so narrow heâs not even sure it has a pavement. Youâre halfway through the three-hour drive, so thereâs no telling how long the walk would be, never mind the fact that the sun is already setting and itâs deep enough into October for the wind to sting.Â
âFrom here?â he asks, incredulous.Â
âYes, open the boot so I can get my bag.âÂ
Sunghoon can only bring himself to say your name, a desperate whisper.Â
âOpen the boot.â
He repeats your name as if itâll make a difference, heâs pleading with you, beggingâthough he doesnât know for what.Â
You go to the back of his car where Sunghoon joins you, a pit in his stomach when you step away. With misty eyes, you look up at him and his heart breaks. âPlease.â
Sunghoon knows you well enough to know that youâre not actually going to attempt the walk home but also knows that you wonât back down if he keeps challenging you. He nods, opening the boot for you and getting into the driverâs seatâyour move.Â
You stand there, unmoving, and long enough passes that he thinks youâll actually leave. The boot closes softly and you join him in the passenger seat. You sigh, buckling your seatbelt. âLetâs just get this over with.âÂ
For the rest of the journey, you sit in silence as Sunghoon briefs you on the relationship, fighting a smile as he thinks about being your boyfriendâeven if only for a night. You scoff when he âremindsâ you that youâve been together for four months now and the only reason you havenât been able to come home recently is that your schedules donât match up very well anymoreâwhich couldnât be further from the truth as, before term started, you went out to celebrate the fact that your class schedules couldnât be more suited for seeing each other.Â
Finally, at Sunghoonâs childhood home, the two of you smile and laugh for his parents before going to bed. Your relationship has only made his mother more averse to the idea of you sharing a room under her roof than she had been when you were younger. Heâs relieved about this, and in the solitude of his bedroom, he lies on the duvet of his twin bed, staring up at the ceiling and thinking about the last few hours.Â
With his parents, youâd sat up in the living room watching TV. They sat on the couch together, his mum nestled in his dadâs side, while you two sat on the couch opposite, mirroring their position. If your complete stiffness was anything to go by, you were less than comfortable with his arm around you and Sunghoon felt terrible for begging you to go along with this. It was after midnight when you all went upstairs and you let him kiss your forehead before all but slamming the door to the guest room in his face. His heart twirled and his mum beamed at him before saying goodnight again.Â
Now, at 3 a.m. he canât sleep. Flinching at the knock on his door, he furrows his brows and goes to open it. Itâs you. Standing there with your hair scraped away from your face in one of his t-shirts. Your eyes are red, brimmed with tears as you step into his room and sit on his bed.Â
He closes the door softly, heart aching at the sight of you so upset, and when he sits next to you, his heart tears apart because you move over, putting a distance between you. It falls out of his chest onto the floor when he realises youâre not wearing your necklace.Â
Sunghoon suspected you might have stopped wearing it, it only made sense that if you didnât want him, you wouldnât want the necklace he bought for you either, but at least earlier, your sweatshirt sat so high he couldnât see if you had it on or not.Â
It was a gift for your sixteenth birthday, after your first heartbreak. He was so upset and angry that you let some loser hurt you that way, upset and angry that someone could be loved by you and fuck it up. Sunghoon was inspired by Jay, whoâd gotten a pretty necklace for his girlfriend, and talked about her cute reaction for weeks, how happy she was to have a piece of him with her all the time. It was a locket, with a picture of Jay in one side and a picture of her in the other so the pictures would kiss when she wore it.Â
While at the jewellers with Jake, Sunghoon thought something like that might be a bit much for the two of you and eventually picked out an equally pretty piece with his first initial on it. He wrote a corny note to put in the box, something about how âboys come and go but Sunghoon is foreverâ and gave it to you with trembling hands a few nights laterâit was the first time he ever made you cry. Immediately, he thought heâd done something wrong and was ready to snatch the box and run back to the jewellers (even though he trashed the receipt). You hugged him and told him you loved him. Sunghoonâs been riding that high ever since.Â
Until tonight at least.Â
âAre you okay?â he whispers.Â
âIâll do it, Hoon.â Your eyes lift from the floor to meet his gaze. âFor as long as you need me to, Iâll pretend.â
As soon as the words leave your mouth, Sunghoon feels lighter, an unbearable weight slipping from his shoulders. You havenât called him âHoonâ in ages, and he canât tell if youâve said it out of vulnerability, or even noticed that youâve said it at all, but it warms his heart nonetheless. However, heâs not fully at ease, still curious about your sudden change of heart and why youâre crying.Â
âWhat happened?â
You pull him into a hug, and his eyes bulge out of his head. âIt doesnât matter,â you say, the words muffled by the skin at the base of his neck.Â
For as long as heâs known you, youâve smelled like vanilla, a sweet warmth that grounds him. Yet itâs only after these months apart that heâs able to put a name to the sensation: home. The realisation of how much heâs missed this feeling, missed you, floods him with a rush of emotion so overwhelming he canât find the words to press the issue. A moment passes before he remembers to hug you back, his arms finally wrapping around you, pulling you close, and you sink into his hold. Months ago, he would have kissed the top of your head and mumbled reassurance into your hair, but tonight, Sunghoon settles for stroking the back of your head and hopes itâs enough.Â
âYou can talk to me, you know? You can always talk to me.â
A heavy silence follows, sharp as a daggerâscraping his skin, making the hair on the back of his neck stand on edge and lodging itself between his shoulder blades. Sunghoonâs breath hitches in his throat when you cling onto him even tighter, shifting so close youâve had to settle in his lap. His heart races in his chest, pounding a rhythm so loud it fills the room.Â
Finally, you speak, assuring him that you know and that youâre okay. At this, Sunghoon holds you as tight as he can, and neither of you speaks for the rest of the night. You fall asleep like this, in his arms, so deeply that you donât even stir when he lies down.Â
Rubbing your back, he watches the clock on his nightstand, the piercing green LED digits cycling through two whole hours right before his stinging eyes until you wake up. Sunghoon presses his eyes shut, pretending to be asleep when you kiss his cheek and leave his room.Â
For the entire morning, you stay in your room, and although Sunghoon is concerned, he decides not to bother you. In the afternoon, he sits at the dining table with his mum, listening as she talks about work. When she asks him, he gets up to make a cup of tea for her. Itâs at that moment when you finally come downstairs, looking so effortlessly pretty. Your hair is still damp from the shower, and youâre bundled up in one of his old sweatshirts. Thereâs a bright grin on your face that leaves his heart thudding.Â
âBaby!â you squeal when you see him, charging towards him and wrapping your arms around him from behind. âGood morning.â Your words are muffled against the back of his t-shirt, and the four-letter word, and the sugar coating it, make his cheeks burn.Â
âItâs great to see you too, YN,â his mum says with a smile. âMy night was amazing; I slept very well and had no dreams.âÂ
You let go of Sunghoon and walk over to the table, kissing his mum on the cheek and wishing her a good morning as well. âSorry, mum, how are you?âÂ
His mother doesnât seem to have the heart to correct you either, allowing your 3 p.m. âgood morningâ to go unnoticed.Â
Sunghoon carefully fills both mugs to the brim and, with extra caution, carries them to the table. He places a steaming cup of peppermint tea in front of his mum and a milky coffee in front of you. A warm smile spreads across your face as you mouth a âthank youâ, and his knees turn to jelly.Â
The next day, after eating an early dinner with his parents at the table, the four of you go out on a walk along the bike path you used to take for school. His parents have gone ahead, not intentionally, but because Sunghoon canât stop you from dragging your feet.Â
As with most things in the town where you grew up, nothing about the trail has changed. The leaves are yellowing in standard form for the season, and crunching under his feet with each step he takes. The only foreign experience is the silence that youâre determined to uphold. Everything Sunghoon says to you is met with either a hum, a nod, or no acknowledgement at all. At this point, he feels like he could drop dead at your side and the most youâd do is step over his body like a fallen branch.Â
After letting you go ahead, the weathered slats of the wooden footbridge sag in the middle under his tread. Itâs been like this for as long as he can remember and he wonders how nothing has been done about it. The stream rushes under it, loud and unruly, the smell of wet grass both comforting and suffocating as you look over the railing. Itâs like something from a postcard, the low-hanging branches sweeping back and forth under the breeze, the grass lush and green around the path, murky water thrashing against the mud and rocks underneath with you in the middle of the frame, peering over the edge.
You keep walking when Sunghoon approaches, leaving him alone on the creaky bridge with nothing but the ache in his chest. He looks up, staring at the grey clouds in the sky through the gaps in the leaves, and sighs.Â
Eventually, he catches up with you, grabbing your hand and locking his fingers with yours when his parents slow down. You stiffen, looking up at him with cut eyes and a creased brow. âWhat are you doing?â
Sunghoon matches your clipped tone. âHolding my girlfriendâs hand.âÂ
âNo oneâs looking, boyfriend.â
âYou think my parents arenât going to wonder why weâre lagging behind?âÂ
A scoffâyour fingers remain defiantly stiff. âDo you think your parents are going to care whether or not weâre holding hands?âÂ
âMy mum might after the show you put on yesterday afternoon, baby.â Bitterness covers the word like a blanket, a stark departure from how you said it.Â
A long sigh rumbles its way out of you before you fix your lips into a strained grin. âSorry, sweetheart, this is my first time pretending to be in love.âÂ
As your words hang in the air, Sunghoonâs emotions brew like a storm within him. Frustration gnaws at his patience. All hopes for a smooth week are dashed, though determination simmers in his chest with a strong resolve to make this work, to fix your relationship. It doesnât stop the sharp pang of hurt piercing his stomachâhe knows you donât feel the same way, he knows youâre faking, but the word âpretendingâ hits him like a truck anyway.Â
âWe held hands all the time when we were friends,â he points out.
Your smile drops immediately, hurt flashing behind your eyes. âYeah, and now weâre not.âÂ
If there was a competition for who could hurt Sunghoonâs feelings the most, youâd be a shoo-in for first place. With distinction.Â
âExactly!â he says, feeling the sting of his own words. âBecause now weâre dating.â
At the sight of his mum turning around, you switch up in an instant. Lock your fingers with his, wrapping an arm around his bicep, leaning into him, giggling. Itâs forced but his parents are far enough away that all that matters is the curve of your lips.
âYou two okay back there?â she asks.Â
âPerfect! I feel like a kid again!â you call back, beaming up at Sunghoon in a way that makes his stomach flutter even though it doesnât meet your eyes.Â
The two of you donât talk at all when you get home, with you hugging his parents goodnight and running up the stairs.Â
âSheâs not feeling too well,â he explains, nodding when his dad tells him to make you some tea.Â
His parents spend the whole day at work, and you spend the whole day following him around like a shadow until the evening when they return. He doesnât pretend not to like it.
Sunghoon helps you make dinner, turning leftover rice into fried rice with the help of some eggs and vegetables. Itâs nice moving around the kitchen with you, watching you scramble eggs in his t-shirt and bump his hip with a playful frown when he eats some of the peppers youâre chopping.Â
His parents watch from the table, cooing over the two of you and he does his best to fight the blush forming on his cheeks and neck. Embarrassed, he hugs you from behind, hiding his face in your neckâthe scent of your coconut conditioner mixing with your vanilla perfume doesnât do anything to stop the flush.Â
Over a bottle of wine, the four of you eat together at the table, swapping stories about your days. Sunghoon tries to hide his surprise as you lie about the time you spent at the play park by your primary school, competing for height on the swings and spinning on the roundabout until you couldnât stand up. You grin at him, and it meets your eyes as you hold his hand under the table, and kiss his cheek.
After eating, his parents head upstairs, leaving to clean up together. You hum a song heâs never heard as you load the dishwasher, carefully placing the plates and cutlery in the rack, shaking your head when he hands you the glasses youâd used.Â
âLeave ours,â you say. âIf you want.âÂ
Sunghoon nods, putting them back on the table, where you sit in the seat across from the one he was sitting in. He sits too, staying quiet rather than saying the wrong thing. You donât speak either. Itâs reminiscent of the pastâthe hours youâd spend in the same room, only speaking to share a funny post youâd come across or to ask if you were hungry.Â
His eyes track your movementsâreaching for the half-empty bottle on the table to pour yourself another glass, filling it to the brim. Before putting it down, you offer him some, filling his glass too when he nods. The three glasses of wine heâs already had must be the reason he wants to reach across the table and hold your hand, run his thumb over the soft skin on the back of it.Â
Sunghoon doesnât know why youâve been so nice to him all day or why it makes his chest hurt.Â
âYou know you donât have to be nice to me when weâre alone, right?â The words come out before he can stop them.
Over the top of your glass, your brows knit together. A sound of confusion, a low hum, comes from your throat as you try to finish your sip. âWhat?â you ask finally.Â
âI only asked you to do this because of my parents, you know? You donât have to sit or talk with me when theyâre not around.âÂ
Sunghoonâs known you long enough to recognise the look that flashes across your face. The way your eyes narrow and your brows tug together, the little pout that sets on your lips before you speak; youâre hurt.
âWhy canât I just be nice to you because itâs the right thing to do?âÂ
Because it hurts, is what he wants to say. He wants to cry, to beg you to forget everything he said that day. âBecause I donât want to make you any more uncomfortable than I already have.â Is what he settles for.Â
Your face softens. âI donât feel uncomfortable around you, Hoon. We were best friends for ages, I donât think you could ever make me uncomfortable.â You pause to take a gulp of wine. âWhy canât I just want to be nice to you?âÂ
Sunghoon has to chew on his cheek to distract himself from how much your word choice stings. The implications of were and all of your past tense. âIâm sorry,â he says.Â
âWhat for?âÂ
âEverything.âÂ
Thereâs a sadness in the way you run your fingers on the base of your glass. The way you chew on your lip, how your hair falls when you tilt your head and how it moves when you shake it. âItâs not your fault,â you say. âI donât know anyone who would choose to have unrequited feelings for their best friend.âÂ
Wow, he thinks. Youâre on a roll. Sunghoon wonders if youâre meticulously choosing your phrasing to upset him. Wonders why you feel the need to remind him that his feelings arenât reciprocated as if he didnât live through and spend hours reliving the day he confessed.Â
âBut I didnât have to tell you about it. It was unfair of me to spring that on you when I knew about Yeonjun.âÂ
âDid you.. did you think I was going to leave him for you?âÂ
âMaybe?â Sunghoon chews on his lipâhe has no idea what he thought would happen. âI think I thought I loved you enough for both of us, that you might play the part for fun or out of curiosity, and.. I donât know, just learn to love me.â
âHoon,â you whisper, frowning. âHow could you even think about settling for something like that?âÂ
Sunghoon shrugs. âItâs not settling if itâs you.âÂ
Silence takes a seat at the table after he speaks, interrupted only by the ticking clock on the wallâa glittery mess of scrapbooking paper and washi tape layered over each other that Yeji had decorated at summer camp years ago. Youâre picking at your fingernails, letting flecks of black polish fall to the table, stark against the varnished oak.Â
âI know itâs not my place to ask,â Sunghoon starts after a while, hesitant and only continuing when you nod. âBut what did Yeonjun say when you told him? About.. everything?âÂ
You take a long sip from your glass and sit quietly for so long that he thinks youâre not going to answer himâhe doesnât blame you.Â
âI didnât.âÂ
He waits for you to elaborate. You donât.Â
Sunghoon nods slowly, deciding not to ask any follow-up questions. Instead, he takes another drink, scrunching his nose at the bitter taste. âHe didnât ask why we stopped hanging out?â he blurts out.
âI told him we fell out but I didnât say why.â You shrug, but your posture is stiff.Â
âWhere did you tell him you were going to be this week?â He knows itâs not his business at all, that heâs pushing your boundaries, but he canât help his curiosity.
âNowhere.âÂ
âYou told him you were staying on campus?âÂ
âI didnât tell him anything.â Your gaze shifts, avoiding his as you toy with the stem of your glass. You drum your nails against it, letting the dull clink ring out.Â
âSo you just left?âÂ
âDoes it make a difference to you?âÂ
Sunghoon nods.
For a while, you tug at the drawstrings on your hoodie, pursing your lips to the side, considering this. âYeonjun and I arenât together anymore.â Your admission is so shocking that Sunghoonâs jaw drops. He tries to cover his surprise by coughing, his tongue sticking out like a small child. âI didnât want to say anything because I didnât want you to think it was because of you.âÂ
Sunghoonâs thoughts move at lightspeed, too fast for him to catch onto any of them and process this information. His emotions compete with each otherâdisbelief, guilt, and a painful glimmer of hope he hadnât dared to acknowledge until now all at the forefront.Â
âWas it?â he asks. âBecause of me?âÂ
You scoffâan incredulous sound that doesnât match the sad look on your face. âI donât know, Sunghoon. Do you think my boyfriend used me to make his ex jealous because of you?â
Heâs not sure what he expected you to say, but this is.. Complete disbelief eclipses him as his heart sinks in his chest, shock, and guilt bubbling in his stomach.Â
âIâm sorry,â he says after too long. âThat I wasnât there. That I havenât been there.âÂ
âYou didnât know,â you say, gaze softening as you look up at him.Â
âBut I made you feel like you couldnât talk to me about it.âÂ
You shake your head. âI made me feel like I couldnât talk to you about it. All you did was change the friendship, Iâm the one who ended it.â
âI still shouldâve been there.âÂ
âYouâre here now, right?âÂ
Sunghoon nods, earnestly. âAlways.âÂ
Only one thing comes to mind when you repeat the word âalwaysâ before taking a sip from your glass, downing its contents. Sunghoon gets up and crosses the room with wobbly steps to open the fridge, where he pulls out as many bottles of soju as he can hold in his hands and puts them down on the table. He goes back to collect some glasses from the cabinet, puts some of the leftover fried rice from dinner into the microwave, and brings it all over when itâs done, with bowls and utensils. You watch him with a fond smile as he opens a bottle and he hopes you think the flush on his cheeks is from all the drinking youâve been doing.Â
âIs it bad that Iâve missed doing this?â Youâre grinning now.
Sunghoon shakes his head, raising his glass. âTo YNâs fifteenth heartbreak.âÂ
You grin, clinking the rim of your glass against his. âTo YNâs fifteenth heartbreak,â you repeat.Â
Both of you down the glasses, and Sunghoon refills them, pouring the soju with an oddly steady hand. As you eat spoonfuls of rice and sip your drinks, silence settles over the room. The soft glow of the kitchen lights forms a warm ambience, a cosy familiarity that brings up simple memoriesâdoing homework together at the table while gossiping about your classmates, the first New Year after you were both eighteen and had your first drink with his parents.Â
For at least an hour, the only sounds are the occasional clinks of forks against bowls, glasses hitting the table, the faint hum of the refrigerator and the steady tick of Yejiâs clock. Sunghoonâs eyes meet yours, and he canât help but notice the slight change in your expression when they do.Â
You clear your throat, running a hand through your hair. âThis is my sixteenth, actually.âÂ
âWhat?âÂ
You take a small sip of soju, staring down at the table. âMy fifteenth heartbreak was losing you. Yeonjun is my sixteenth.â
In the two days since your soju ceremony, Sunghoon finds himself sinking into the role of your boyfriend like a hot bath. But thereâs no use pretending it doesnât hurt. Pretending it doesnât hurt when you kiss his cheek before bed, or when you reach out to push the hair out of his face or snuggle into his side on the couch; because it does hurtâa lot. It hurts to think that in three days when you put your bags in the boot of his car, youâll sit in silence all the way home. When he drops you off at your flat, youâll close the door in his face and stop talking to him again. These realisations are harder to confront when heâs alone in his room, like now.Â
About an hour ago, you asked if you could borrow his car, saying there was something you needed to do on your own. It seemed important, so he handed over his keys with no question. Sighing, Sunghoon gets up from his bed and heads to the shower, where he jerks off to clear his mind. On his way back to his room, he notices the light leaking from the open kitchen door that illuminates the landing.Â
He hears the lock on the front door clicking, and stands at the top of the stairs, dripping water onto the carpet while listening attentively. His ears perk up when he hears a gaspâhis mother.Â
âWhatâs this for?â she asks.Â
âI just..â You trail off. âI know itâs not much, but I wanted to thank you both for always looking after me.â You pause, and Sunghoon holds his breath, waiting. Your voice trembles as you continue. âItâs been hard since my parents went back home, and I guess it was still hard when they were here, but you both supported me. I donât think I couldâve managed without you guys. I want to make you guys proud, you know? And Iâm trying, really, so this is me saying thank you. Iâm sorry it took me so long.âÂ
He grips the railing by the landing, digging his nails into the wood until they start hurtingâan ache in his fingertips that makes him wince.Â
An odd feeling settles in his stomach, a bittersweetness tinged in his fondness for you, and the gentle shock of realising how much his parents have done for you. Growing up, you became an honorary member of Sunghoonâs family. His parents showered you with gifts during holidays and birthdays, which you often celebrated with them rather than your own family.Â
The memory of your parentsâ sudden decision to move across the country still lingers, and Sunghoon vividly recalls the tearful conversation he overheard at the top of the stairs. Your parents understood the enormity of their request but had earnestly asked if Sunghoonâs parents could continue looking after you.Â
His chest tightens when you start crying.Â
âYou donât have to thank us for anything, sweetie. Just you being here and taking care of our boy is more than enough thanks. You never forget our birthdays, and you always come and visit when you can. Youâre doing a great job, and you should give yourself some credit,â his dad says, a little choked up. âWeâve always been proud of you.âÂ
Sunghoonâs eyes sting with tears and his skin gets dry in the spots where the water from the shower is evaporating. He presses his fingers to his closed eyes, forcing a few tears to fall and walks the rest of the way to his room with his eyes shut. He canât hear anything through his closed bedroom door, which he decides is a good thing as he coats himself in moisturiser and swipes deodorant under his arms with intention to spend the whole night alone. Once heâs dressed, he gets into bed and pretends not to be bothered by the way his wet hair dampens his pillow. Under the duvet, he tosses and turns before sighing and heading to Yejiâs room.
In her absence, the roomâs subtle transformation is stark. The sage green-painted walls, once a backdrop to the A3 faces of Wave to Earth and Beabadoobee, now bear the faint imprints of those missing posters. Tiny, shadowy rectangles are the only remnants of the 6x4-sized pictures of her and her friends, of her and Sunghoon, that she took away with her to school.
Her hairdryer is still on her desk where sheâd left it for him to use and he sits in her stiff wooden chair, plugging it in. The airflow starts immediately, hot and loud, humming throughout the space as he runs his fingers through his wet hair, feeling cosy under the heat. His shampoo is fresh and soapy scented under his nose, and his reflection watches him in Yejiâs mirror, eyes red and concerned while his hair blows around his head. Sunghoon closes his eyes and finishes his hair, sighing as he lets his worries slip under the whir of the fan.Â
Finished, he shuts off the dryer and opens his eyes, flinching at your reflection in the doorway behind him with a soft smile on your face. âMum and Dad are going to open a bottle of wine if you want to join,â you say, meeting his eyes in the mirror.Â
Sunghoon canât find it in himself to speak, only nodding in response. You smile wider but donât move. He unplugs the hairdryer and leaves it on the desk where he found it before crossing the room. Without giving himself a chance to think about it, he pulls you into a hug and kisses the top of your head, smiling into your hair when you wrap your arms around his waist, holding him closer.Â
Youâre sitting on the edge of the bathtub, mumbling sleepily that youâre never going to drink again, and Sunghoon leans over the sink brushing his teeth, heâs glad you have the decency to cover your mouth as you speak.Â
âBrush your teeth and go back to sleep then,â he mumbles around his toothbrush.Â
You donât respond.Â
Sunghoon sighs through his nose, spitting foamy toothpaste into the sink, leaving bubbly, blue splatters on the porcelain. âAnd quit staring at me, I can feel your beady little eyes on the back of my neck and itâs freaking me out.âÂ
âBut youâre so pretty,â you coo.Â
Thereâs a flutter in his stomach and he rinses off the sink and his mouth, buying himself some time. With a hand on the Listerine, he lifts his gaze to meet yours in the mirror and stops short. Youâre still staring at him, features soft and glowing under the afternoon light. You look like an angel; a gentle smile spreading over your lips, and a sleepy glint sparkling in your eyes, wide and gorgeous as you watch him. Sunghoon gulps, mumbling his thanks and looking back at himself. He hopes you canât see the flush on his cheeks.Â
âGo back to sleep,â he says.Â
âWill you come and lie down with me if I do?â Your voice is a sleepy drawl, coming out in a slow, high-pitched slur, and your eyes are closing on themselves.Â
Lying down doesnât sound like a terrible idea, especially not if itâs with you, so he nods. âIf you brush your teeth, then yeah, baby, Iâll lie down with you.âÂ
You chuckle softly at Sunghoonâs agreement, the sound carrying a mix of exhaustion and genuine amusement, showing no repulsion to him calling you the B-word. He didnât mean to, itâs been a confusing few days. You nod, saluting to him and getting up to join him by the sink, using your hip to bump him out of the way, but he feels like heâs glued to the spot.Â
âMove, baby,â you mumble sleepily, reaching for your toothbrush. âWe can cuddle in my bed,â you suggest, to which Sunghoon only nods, taking your words as a cue to unstick his feet from the floor and go to your room, playing the word âbabyâ on a loop in his head.Â
He stands in the doorway staring at your bed, the duvet is all crumpled in the middle, and the pillows are in an L shape at the top corner. He sighs, he canât go on like this, canât stand around hoping even a tiny part of you called him âbabyâ and it meant something for you as it did for him. Itâs not fair for him to project his feelings on you like this, but he canât help it. Youâre already pretending for his parents, so would it be so bad to pretend for his sake as well? Even if only until the day after tomorrow when you leave?Â
The sound of the bathroom door shutting behind you snaps him out of his thoughts, your bright smile making his heart race when you tug him by the sleeve to your bed where the mattress dips underneath you as you curl into his form, resting your head on his chest and falling asleep. Youâve shared the bed before, countless times, but he knows youâve only asked him because youâre tired. Because your brain is foggy with drowsiness that clouds your judgement, not because you want him there, not because you miss him when heâs two doors down the hall, tossing and turning at night thinking about you. He wonders absently if you can feel his aching heart beating through his chest, a painful, yet all too familiar rhythm that pulls his own eyes shut, plunging him into a deep sleep too.
Itâs dark in the room when he wakes up, the sun already down behind the curtains and the soft yellow of the bedside lamp casting a glow around the space. Youâre staring up at him, smiling and you donât look away when he catches you. âWhat is it?â he asks, voice thick with sleep.Â
âNothing,â you mumble. âI just missed you.â Sunghoon has no time to respond or even register what you said before you clear your throat, speaking again. âCome on, dadâs cooking tonight, heâll need help.âÂ
Helping Sunghoonâs dad with dinner always looks an awful lot like Sunghoon eating snacks on the kitchen counter and staring at you as you help his dad cook. Tonight is no exception, heâs sitting on the island, and his snack of choice is a family pack of Chilli Heatwave Doritos his mum bought for Yeji. Heâll have to remember to replace them before leaving seeing as heâs reaching the halfway point.Â
You go back and forth with his dad about measurements, with you rummaging through the drawers for measuring cups while his dad says itâs best to trust your gut. Reluctantly, you nod, chewing the inside of your cheek as you watch him eyeball the seasoning.Â
The gas stove turns the kitchen into an oven and you complain about it while opening a window, pulling your hoodie over your head and leaving it in Sunghoonâs lap. Time stops when you grin at him, the light from the stove hood illuminating the necklace youâre wearing, his initial resting on your chest and glowing under the light. He chokes around a crisp when he sees it, catching your attention with his coughing.Â
âYouâll spoil your dinner, snacking like that, baby,â you scold, using a hand to push his knee. âWeâre almost done, I swear.âÂ
All he can do is nod, cheeks burning as he folds the crisp packet over before putting it back in the bread bin where he found it.Â
âWow,â his dad says, resting his hands on his hips and shaking his head in amusement. âBeing in love looks good on him, heâd never have listened if I said that.âÂ
Itâs already your last day when Sunghoon picks up Yeji from school. She grumbles for the entire half-hour drive and all the way to the front door about why the two of you couldnât have started the trip today instead of ending it, but all of her irritation dissolves when she sees you in the hallway, leaving the front door wide open to fling her arms around you. You and Yeji exchange compliments for a while â You look so pretty. No, you look so pretty. I love your hair. I love your hair. â as Sunghoon locks the door and watches with a smile.
âGod.â Yeji sighs, holding you by the waist and craning her neck up to look at you, as you push some of her hair from her face, pinning back her wispy bangs with the palm of your hand. Yeji giggles. âIâm so happy you two are together, even though I have no idea what a girl like you sees in my loser brother.âÂ
Sunghoon rolls his eyes, leaning back against the wall. Despite his mild irritation at Yejiâs words, he finds the sight of you with her so adorable his stomach flutters. Over the top of Yejiâs head, you look at him with a fond smile. âHeâs not so bad.âÂ
It doesnât sound like a compliment but Sunghoon takes it to heart.Â
Like always, Yeji manages to capture your undivided attention and the two of you giggle and whisper with each other all afternoon while Sunghoon watches, too enamoured by the sight to care about being left out. An hour or so passes like this, until his parents get home from work, excited to see Yeji after a few weeks, and you leave her side, coming to cuddle with Sunghoon instead.Â
Itâs nice being home with everyone, laughing and sharing a meal before his family walks the two of you to his car with at least a monthâs worth of cooked food for you to share at university. Yeji makes you pinky promise that she can visit you and waves with a pout on her face until the car is out of view.
Contrary to what heâd been expecting, the drive back is nice. Your playlist is on, and youâre telling him about all the new songs you added, catching him up on things with Chaewon and Yunjin, and all the things you got up to in the time you spent apart. You tell him about a new cafĂŠ that opened up near your place and how youâll have to go together when he has the time, and Sunghoon bites his tongue before telling you that he always has time for you. The first half of the trip goes on like this but you start dozing off around the halfway mark, your sentences becoming few and far between, eventually turning into half-mumbled thoughts that end prematurely.Â
Youâre still asleep when he reaches your flat, head propped up against the window with your soft lips parted, looking too pretty and cosy to wake up. Instead, he drives in circles around your block, deciding to wait for you to wake up on your own. It only takes a half hour but you blink your eyes open, stretching your neck before looking around and out the car window, recognising the street. You donât say anything, only smiling when you look at him, a small curve of your lips that makes his heart race.
He gets out of the car with you, opening the boot to get your bag before pulling you into his chest for a hug, liking the way your arms settle around his waist. âThank you,â he mumbles into your hair.Â
Sunghoon doesnât follow you when you take your bag from him, only watching from the back of his car. You donât notice until you reach the main door, looking over your shoulder and frowning at him. âArenât you going to walk me up?âÂ
The two of you walk in silence up four flights of stairs as the lift in your building is out of order. Your bag feels much heavier in his hand now than it did outside. At your door, he watches you dig around for your keys, sighing with relief when you find them.Â
âDo you want to come in?â you ask from your open doorway.
âIâuhâI have training in the morning and Iâm already pretty tired, so..â He trails off.
Unfazed, you nod. âRight, of course. I had fun this week.âÂ
âYeah, me too.âÂ
You smile at him, sweet and sincere. âText me when you get home, yeah?âÂ
Sunghoon nods, saying goodbye. Out of habit, he doesnât leave your doorstep until he hears the lock click shut, and walks back to his car with his head down.Â
True to his word, he sends you a text to let you know he got back to his place safely and you read it immediately but donât reply. Itâs empty in the apartment, Jake is out with his football team and the space is larger than usual in his absence. Far too tired to even consider going out and joining him, Sunghoon goes through his night routine, putting his phone on the charger and stepping into the shower where he spends entirely too long wishing he could live in this week forever as he scrubs his body. With brushed teeth and damp hair, he goes back into his room where his phone lights up with a notification; a text, from you.
YNđŤ: iâm glad you got home okay, i just got into bed :) i donât want to make you uncomfortable or overstep or anything and you can say no (obviously).. iâve been missing you so much and didnât know how to reach out or if you wanted me to but i had soooo much fun this week and spending time with you again made me happy, so iâd like it if we could keep hanging out, like before yk? ik itâs a long shot ahahaha but just say youâll think about it?Â
hoonie: Youâre not overstepping at all, Iâve missed you too, so bad. I had soooo much fun this week as well and Iâd like it a lot if we kept hanging out, thank you for agreeing and coming along đ If youâre free after Lit tmrw you could come over? Or we could go out and do something, whatever you prefer
hoonie: I missed you so much..Â
hoonie: đ¤
The texts greet you as the first rays of Monday morning light filter into your room, instantly lifting your mood. Your bright smile doesnât escape Chaewonâs notice as you find her in the kitchen, bathed in the soft light seeping through the sheer curtains. The kettle is boiling with a loud rumble that fills the whole room and leaves her yelling as she speaks to you.Â
âGood trip?â she asks, coming over and hugging you. âNever leave me for that long again,â she mumbles into your shirt.Â
âIt was a week, Wonie,â you say, rolling your eyes even though you missed her too.Â
She leans away, looking at you with knitted brows. âIt was nine days.âÂ
âThe longest of my life.âÂ
Chaewon pulls air through her teeth, tilting her head and releasing you. âThat bad, huh?â she asks, walking back to her seat at your tiny square table and shooting you a look that tells you to join her.Â
During your trip, you gave her nightly updates over text, so you know she knows how much you enjoyed yourself, but you elaborate anyway, sitting across from her.Â
âNo, not at all,â you say, shaking your head and trying to fight a smile. âI had fun.â As soon as the words leave your mouth, you have to bite your bottom lip to stop the grin curving them; it doesnât work.Â
Chaewon raises a suggestive brow, crossing her arms over her chest. âHow much fun?âÂ
âYouâre disgusting.âÂ
âI didnât even say anything!â she defends, holding her hands up. âI made an implication. It was only a matter of time, you two have that whole.. lifelong best friends to lifelong lovers thing going on, and itâs hot.âÂ
âShut up.âÂ
âYouâre telling me, you spent nine days playing lovers with Sunghoon and you still donât want him? Youâre a lost cause, people would kill for that chance,â she says, tilting her head. âI think I would kill for that chance.âÂ
âDonât touch him.â
âOh?âÂ
âJesus, Chaewon, itâs not like that. Hoonâs too sensitive for your roster.âÂ
âI never said it was like anything, youâre the one whoâs dangling me over the ledge for saying I want to fuck your hot best friend.âÂ
âSunghoon isnât hot; heâs..â You find yourself at a loss for words, unsure how to continue your lie. Of course, Sunghoon is hot, youâve known since you were seventeen and spent the summer at your grandparentsâ house, only to come back to find your previously scrawny best friend having ditched his LEGOs for dumbbells. You sigh. âJust leave him alone.â
Chaewon grins, eyes sparkling as she leaves the table. âOkay,â she says in a singsong voice, leaving you and the irritation in your stomach alone in the kitchen.
You sigh, pressing your eyes shut and trying to will away your discomfort. Itâs not like Chaewon would actually try anything with Sunghoon. Right? Even if she did, it wouldnât bother you, nor would it be any of your business. Theyâre grownups and reserve the right to explore their options. Still, thereâs a nagging feeling you canât shake, an uninvited guest in the back of your mind.Â
When you check your phone, you realise you have half an hour before you need to head to campus, so you leave to get ready and text Sunghoon back on the way to your room.
you: sounds good, see u later đ¤
After showering, you stand in front of your wardrobe, towel hanging from your body as you pick an outfit. For some reason, you feel under pressure, picking a pair of jeans that do the most for your ass and a low-cut top that Sunghoon once â drunkenly â said he loved on you.
You have the residual sting of mouthwash on your tongue, and one foot out the door when your phone vibrates in your hand.Â
hoonie: Do you want to head to class together?Â
you: sure! iâm omw out, where should i get you?Â
hoonie: .. Iâm outside your building :DÂ
Breathing a laugh through your nose, you donât fight the giddy smile on your face as you make your way downstairs to meet Sunghoon. Through the glass in the main door, heâs standing at the edge of the pavement and kicking a stone between his feet. The top of his puffer jacket covers the bottom half of his face, and the draught nips your skin when the door opens. Two girls you vaguely recognise stumble in with smudged makeup and heels in their hands, smiling at you while holding the door to let you out.
âHey!â you call out, jogging over to him.Â
Sunghoon turns around, his head poking out of his jacket to grin at you, holding a travel cup and an abundance of tinfoil in your direction.Â
âI wasnât sure if youâd have eaten anything yet, you donât normally in the morning,â he says, a sheepish smile spreading over his lips when you take it. âMatcha. Ham and cheese toastie.âÂ
âDid you make these?â you ask, inspecting the familiar cup and appreciating the warmth it provides.Â
He hums, nodding his head.
You ignore the heat spreading over your cheeks and thank him with a hug, grinning when he offers to hold your drink while you eat on the walk. The toastie is still hot, the cheese coming close to burning your tongue as you chew, but you appreciate it wholeheartedly, humming contently with each bite. When youâre done, you shove the foil into your pocket, taking your drink from him and smiling around the sweet taste of a matcha latte as he tells you his schedule for the day.Â
âIâm meeting with Coach after class to talk about my grades, but Iâm all yours after that.âÂ
âTalk about your grades? Whatâs wrong with your grades?âÂ
Sunghoon groans, head falling back and highlighting the bump of his Adamâs apple. âMy grades are.. I failed my coursework this month, so I have resubmissions during finals and I think heâll bench me if I fail again.âÂ
He sounds like heâs being serious, and if the look on his face is anything to go by, he is. The news creases your brows because for as long as you remember, Sunghoonâs grades were your parentsâ favourite point of comparison.
âReally?â you ask. He nods. âWhatâs up? Is something the matter?âÂ
A humourless laugh slips out of him before he pulls air through his teeth. âYeah, my best friend didnât talk to me for three months.âÂ
âOh..â Guilt stirs your stomach as you look up at him. âIâm sorry.â
âIâm not blaming you, itâs not like I was trying to talk and you ignored me.â He nudges your arm with his elbow, giving you a warm smile. âBut if you feel as guilty about it as you look, you can tutor me for Lit.âÂ
âDeal.âÂ
Sunghoon grins, wrapping his arm over your shoulders and holding you close; the action itself isnât unusual, but the increased heart rate it brings about is. âYouâre too good to me,â he says, holding onto you for the rest of the walk to class.
At his request, you sit with Sunghoon in the back row, watching as the lecture hall gradually fills up in front of you. He seems well-prepared, with his laptop and a small notepad and pen neatly arranged on the desk in front of him.
Throughout the class, your eyes inadvertently track his every move. He diligently types up colour-coded notes, occasionally pausing to write things in his notepad before continuing to type or stopping entirely to listen. Thereâs something melodic about his actions and the way his fingers run over the keyboard.Â
During a five-minute break, you glance at his screen. What you find is more than just lecture content; itâs a document adorned with Sunghoonâs own musings about Hemingwayâs style and carefully analysed quotations that go beyond the class discussion.
âHow are your notes so good?âÂ
âI picked up the book over the summer when you mentioned it,â Sunghoon replies with a shrug, a shy smile playing on his lips as he leans back in his seat. âI liked it.âÂ
A slow nod is your response, though your thoughts swirl like autumn leaves in a breeze. The last time Sunghoon read for leisure, you were in primary school, buddy reading Diary of a Wimpy Kid. But thisâthis is different. You canât help but stare at him, awestruck as you take him in. His eyes are wide, shining amber in the sunlight as he pushes some of his hair from his face, frowning when it falls back where it was.Â
âDonât look at me like that,â he mumbles.Â
Sunghoon takes a new line in his document and points at the screen where you watch the cursor move through the words heâs typing: I wouldâve read and annotated the Bible if you wanted me to..
Thereâs no time to digest what he wrote or the funny feeling in your chest as you reread it before he deletes the whole sentence, pressing his lips together and looking out the window. Speechless, you stare at his side profile, willing your heart rate to slip back to normal. Steep-sloping nose, plump lips flattened into a line, two points of the triangular mole constellation on his face. Analysis worsens your condition, breath hitching in your throat before stopping entirely. Warmth and trepidation blend within you, fuzzy enough at the edges to seem like one thingâa single force that makes your palm itch with desire, desperation, to reach out and run a finger over his features, feel the bump of the mole on his nose â the most prominent â against your skin.Â
You remain this way â silent, watching â even when your lecturer resumes the lesson, and Sunghoon starts typing, writing, and listening again. Polite enough to pretend he doesnât notice your gaze searing into his face.
After class, and his meeting with Coach, you let Sunghoon lead the conversation and the way to your flat, where you find Chaewon and Yunjin sitting on the couch, whispering to themselves while the two of you study at the coffee table. Itâs uncomfortable, an awkward height, too high for the way youâre sitting but you feel calm under the supervision of Chaewon and Yunjinâyou wonât do anything to merit teasing in front of them, no matter how badly you want to feel Sunghoonâs face in your hands or stroke his cheekbones with your thumbs.Â
To the best of your ability, you answer the questions he has for youâheâd written a ton in his tiny notepad during class, his own concerns clear with each neatly-penned iteration of: How to see actions/dialogue for what they are and not what I want them to be? written in the margins and you try not to feel heartbroken for him.
Three hours have passed by when you walk him to the door, the two of you wrapped up in a bubble so secure youâre surprised to find Chaewon and Yunjin still sitting on the couch. They donât say anything about Sunghoon in his absence, or the fact heâd given you his sweater when he noticed you were cold. Youâre not sure why their silence disappoints you.
Instead, Yunjin asks you about trivial things like dinner while Chaewon sits in silence.Â
âWhat flavour for ice cream?â Yunjin asks, rolling her eyes when you tug on the blanket but not complaining. âAnd donât say something ridiculous like mint chocolate, YN.âÂ
âThat happened once! And it was three years ago.. How was I supposed to know you hate fun?âÂ
Chaewon leans into you, letting you curl your limbs around her from behind as you rest your chin on her shoulder, liking the way her clean scent tickles your nose.Â
âMint-cho isnât that bad,â she starts. âItâs a little jarring, sure, but itâs kind of sweet. Like watching people come to terms with their feelings for each other.âÂ
You nod your head, humming in understanding and furrowing your brows when Yunjin scoffs, staring straight at you. Her tone is equal parts cutting and loving, so you know sheâs not trying to insult you, but donât know what she means when she says, âIt must be so nice to be as oblivious as you.âÂ
Yunjin never elaborates, and you never ask, actually feeling the statementâs journey in through one of your ears and out the other when dinner arrives. The three of you share pizza, ice cream, and secrets â the three pillars of 20-something-teenage-girlhood â at the kitchen table, with Chaewon sitting in your lap and picking pepperoni from your slices.Â
Itâs only hours after Yunijnâs gone home, that her words circle back to you, the statement and all of its weight perching on your chest with all the debilitation and persistence of a sleep paralysis demon.
âI think Iâm getting sick,â you say as soon as she opens her door. âItâs been coming on for a while now, at least a week, maybe more.âÂ
Unimpressed and exhausted, Yunjin looks down at you through half-closed eyes. âDo you..â She pinches the bridge of her nose, sighing. âDo you have any idea what time it is right now?âÂ
âYes. Itâs three a.m.âÂ
âExactly. See a doctor if youâre sick, Iâm going back to sleep.â
âThis is an emergenââ Yunjin cuts you off by pinching your lips together. âItâs three in the morning,â she reminds you. âYou canât yell like that in my hallway, come in.âÂ
You nod, crossing the threshold and taking off your shoes next to hers. âSorry,â you whisper when the door is closed.Â
Using her hand, Yunjin lifts your chin, squinting as her eyes adjust to the light when she flips the switch to inspect your face. âYou donât look or sound sick,â she mutters, flicking the light back off and going to her room. âWhat are your symptoms? And why did you come here?âÂ
You donât have an answer for her last question so you ignore it, following her and tripping over a pair of her shoes in the process. âMy cheeks start burning like crazy and my heart races, sometimes it gets hard to breathe.â
âYou seem fine to me.âÂ
A shoulder-slumping sigh slips from your lips. âThatâs the thing. Iâll be fine and then Sunghoon shows up with his pretty smile and perfect hair and I feel like Iâve run a marathon.â You know how it sounds, choosing your wording meticulously to let Yunjin be the one to say the words out loud instead of youâitâll be easier to confront that way.Â
From the doorway, you watch as she arches a brow, her interest piqued. âOh?âÂ
âI know.â You nod, head bobbing rapidly in furious agreement. âItâs only a matter of time before I cough up a lung and die in his bedroom.â
At your words, Yunjin doesn't reply, only lifting her duvet and getting cosy underneath. You feel like youâre glued to the spot, waiting for her to say something, anything, but nothing comes. All she does is pat the empty spot in her bed.Â
âWhat are you smirking for?â you ask, entering the room properly and closing the door.Â
Her response only comes after youâve taken your jacket and hoodie off, sitting next to her under the covers. âItâs nothing,â she says, laughing.Â
âTell me.âÂ
Yunjin sighs, resting a hand gently on your shoulder. You think itâs meant to be comforting but itâs the opposite. âYouâll be fine, I promise. Lovesickness isnât deadly.âÂ
Feeling the weight of her reassurance, you settle down properly and sigh when your head hits the pillow. Lovesickness. Hmm.Â
Closing your eyes, you try to sleep but canât help tossing and turning as Yunjin snores behind you. You pat blindly around the end table for your phone, grabbing it and wincing at the brightness of your screen. Chewing on your lip, you open Google, looking up âlovesicknessâ and frowning immediately at the results. Endless negativity fills the screen, terrifying words like âunrequited loveâ forming a pit in your stomach. Thereâs nothing negative about what you feel for Sunghoon, nothing unrequitedâyou think.Â
It was obvious during the trip, painfully so. In the way heâd tuck your hair behind your ear when his parents werenât there to see, or how he slipped up and called you âbabyâ in the bathroom, blushing when you said it back. You canât fake something like that.. Can you?
Yeonjun did.
Shaking your head, you open Instagram to distract yourself. Jakeâs story comes up first; heâs at a party where Jay is losing a game of beer pong, and at the other end of the table is Sunghoon grinning with a bright red lipstick kiss on his cheek. You lock your phone, using your hands to press on your belly to stop the stirring.Â
Oh, you think. Lovesickness.Â
When you wake up, the first thing you do is check Jakeâs story again. The video is still there and that terrible stir in your stomach churns on, burrowing deeply into a pit of canyon-like proportionâso vast thereâs a safety railing lining its edges.Â
You eat breakfast in silence with Yunjin, zoning out mid-chew to figure out the origin of these feelings and how to handle them. Suddenly, the moment hits you clear as day, vivid like youâre watching it on a screenâit was your third night at his parentsâ house, after your walk.Â
You felt bad about how you acted, and what you said, so went straight up to your room. With nothing but the bedside lamp turned on, it was dimly lit, shadows cast on the walls as you sulked, replaying everything in your head. Guilt wrapped its long arms around your body, making you feel sick as you thought about it all. About the hurt etched over his face with every word you said, and the frown that stuck around for the rest of the walk as his hand clung limply to yours.Â
There was a knock at the door, so gentle you almost missed it, and Sunghoon was standing there when you pulled it open, chewing on his lip with a mug in his hand. Steam skated over the opening, a rich chocolatey smell hitting your nose but the real kicker was the mug itself. In its place on Jake and Sunghoonâs mug tree, it was unassuming, a regular white mug, but upon meeting hot water, the face of young Sunghoon appeared, grinning with his tiny glasses on. It was a gift from one of his old coaches and though he never used it, it was your absolute favourite cup in the world.Â
You felt soft around the edges when you looked up at him, his eyes wide and unsure as you met his gazeâhe brought that mug three hours across the country so you could use it again. The thought shifted your heart into a comfortable position, settling in your chest with overwhelming warmth and an increased rate.Â
âHi,â you said, clearing your throat.Â
âHi,â he repeated, holding the mug out for you to take. âItâs still hot so be careful.âÂ
Nodding, you covered your hands with your sleeves, taking the cup from him and asking if he wanted to come in. Sunghoon nodded, shutting the door behind him and standing by the bed, watching you set the hot chocolate on the bedside table as you sat down. The two of you stayed like that for a while, with him only moving when you patted the spot next to you on the duvet. Your train of thought escaped you as soon as he sat down, the warmth of his familiar fresh, citrusy scent taking over and becoming the only thing you could register. The smell of summers with him, long days at the beach and short nights spent on the couch at random parties, cuddled into his side with his arm over your shoulders. The smell youâd come to associate with comfort and homeâwith Sunghoon.Â
âItâs not fair for me to treat you like shit just because Iâm annoyed, I shouldnât have spoken to you like that earlier. Iâm sorry.âÂ
A crease ran over Sunghoonâs thick brows as they tugged together, he shook his head. âYou donât have to apologise. I roped you into this whole thing and didnât even try to think about how you would feel. Iâm sorry.â His eyes carried a mix of regret and sincerity, mirroring the weight of his words.
âAnyway, I only came to bring you that,â he said, pointing at the cup. âAnd to check up on you, Iâll get out of your hair for tonight.â Sunghoon wiped his palms on his pants before standing up, reaching behind him to pick up the cloth he brought. For a moment, he stood there, staring down at it in his hand while you thought about telling him to stay, telling him that you wanted him in your hairâwhatever that meant. But he spoke before you had the chance. âYou left this, at mine, after.. well, you know. Iâm sure you left it intentionally, I mean it was folded up perfectly on the end of my bed, so I know you did, but it didnât feel right keeping it, you always wore it more than me.âÂ
Sunghoon extended his hand, holding it out to you and you knew exactly what it was as soon as the fabric touched your skin after so long. It was the shirt Jay bought him for Christmas in first yearâthey were roommates still trying to get a feel for each other. For a few weeks, Sunghoon had been pestering you about what he should get for Jay, saying it didnât feel right not to get him anything, and you suggested a targeted t-shirt, one youâd been laughing at all day after seeing an ad for it on your timeline. Sunghoon was sceptical, but bought the red shirt anyway, hoping Jay would find BEING DAD IS AN HONOUR, BEING PAPA IS PRICELESS funny. He did. And Jay bought Sunghoon a targeted shirt too, your favourite. It was black and two sizes too big, with I NEVER DREAMED IâD BE A SEXY FIGURE SKATER BUT HERE I AM KILLING IT written over the chest.Â
âGoodnight, YN,â Sunghoon said, crossing the room to leave but hesitating before closing the door. He poked his head through the opening and sighed. âI really am sorry.â
That night, you fell asleep in the shirt, the thinning, yet cosy, fabric wrapped around you like a hug as your heart started to beat a new rhythm, one that eerily echoed the five-foot-eleven figure skater who you let break it.Â
This morning, Yunjin claps her hands in your face, seeming irritated when you look over at her. âYou have class in an hour, what are you doing?â Before you have the chance to speak, realisation covers her face. âOh, the feelings.âÂ
You nod solemnly, too caught up in the butterflies raiding your stomach to come up with something to say.Â
At lightspeed, you scarf down the rest of your food, apologising for showing up so late as you head out the door. When you get home, you take the fastest shower of your life and feel grateful Chaewon isnât around to tease you about the smile you canât wipe from your face thinking about Sunghoonâyouâll text her later.
You run to campus, feeling the brisk autumn wind beating against your face while the rest of your body overheats under your jacket, hoodie and long sleeve. Despite the discomfort and ache in your lungs, you donât stop until you reach the door of your lecture hall, huffing and puffing into the faces of classmates who donât take any notice. Of course, in a stroke of pure luck, your lecturer is late, and you realise bitterly, that all of your huffing and puffing was in vainâyou would have gotten to class with time to spare even if you walked.
Itâs not a total waste though; you use the time to update Chaewon.Â
you: i have news wonie.. i like sunghoon
wonie: âŚâŚâŚâŚâŚ.. fork in the kitchen yn whatâs the news?Â
wonie: OHHHH news to YOU.. can i call?Â
She calls you immediately. You answer without thinking because your lecturer still hasnât arrived, and thereâs no one sitting close enough to hear or notice you taking a call.Â
âAre you going to tell him?!â Chaewonâs voice is so loud you wince, pulling the phone away from your ear.Â
âI donât know.â You shrug even though she canât see you, still holding the device at a distance just in case. âI donât have any confirmation that he still.. likes me. Itâs been a while and I was pretty mean that day.Â
Chaewon groans and you can picture her throwing herself onto her bed, exasperated. The rustling that comes through the receiver only frames the image, hanging it up. âDid you have to tell him to get a grip?âÂ
âYou know..â You trail off, chewing on your bottom lip. âIn hindsight, probably not.âÂ
A beat passes, sheâs thinking. âDonât worry,â she says. âIâll help you.âÂ
âI.. have never been so worried in my life.â You sigh, picking at your freshly painted nails. âBut I know youâll do something no matter what I say, so do what you want, Wonie, but please be subtle about it.âÂ
Chaewon squeals down the phone. âI love youuuuu!â And itâs the last thing she says before kissing the mic a few times and hanging up.Â
Slumping in your seat, you donât have any time to stress about Chaewonâs plans because your lecturer walks in, with a travel cup in her hand and a paperback tucked under her arm.Â
She apologises for being late, running a hand through her hair as she announces that youâll be watching a film, an adaptation of a book you read at the start of termâIan McEwanâs Atonement. You spend the first hour of the movie falling in and out of sleep until a text comes through from Sunghoon, and sheer excitement keeps you up.
hoonie: Wanna study together after class?Â
you: of course!!!!!!Â
hoonie: đ¤
The rest of the movie goes by in a drag and you come away from it with a mild irritation towards Saoirse Ronan.
you: class just finished, heading to lib rnÂ
hoonie: Shit, still in the locker room, sorry !!! Omw, can you get a table?Â
you: iâll try..
It takes a while but you find an empty booth on the second floor, and set your bag on the plush green seat to take pictures of your surroundings to send to Sunghoon. You sit on the side facing the stairs so he can see you when he arrives. The thought of seeing him makes your heart race and you try out a few natural-seeming poses for when heâs here, cycling between resting your palm under your chin and sitting with your arms crossed a few times until the top of his head comes into view.Â
Seeing him knocks the wind out of you as he approaches the staircase, taking them two at a time with his damp hair clinging to his forehead and neck. It doesnât help that heâs wearing a tight black vest and his sweats are hanging low on his hips. A breath you didnât realise you were holding slips out when he lifts his head, spotting you immediately as a grin spreads over his lips and he raises his arm to wave, the veins in his forearm peaking out to say hi too. You canât tell if itâs his lack of winter wardrobe or your newfound appreciation for him thatâs making his biceps look so huge but itâs hard to look away, even when he reaches the table.Â
âAre you hot?â you blurt out.Â
Sunghoon laughs, raising a brow and something about the way heâs looking down at you makes your cheeks burn. âDepends whoâs asking.â He takes his backpack off, leaving it on the table as he sits down, dumping his jacket and hoodie in a pile beside him.
âIâm asking,â you mumble.Â
âThen, yeah, Iâd hope so.âÂ
Is he flirting? It sounds like heâs flirting. Flirt back! âNice arms.âÂ
He looks down at his biceps for a beat before looking at you warily. âAre you flirting with me?â He canât fight the smile twitching at the corners of his lips but he tries his best, pressing them into a straight line.
âA little. They are nice though,â you admit.
Sunghoon grins. âThanks, Iâve had them for a while now.â
You canât come up with anything to say, too distracted by the way his smile reaches his eyes, lighting up his whole face and forcing a flustered heat to spread over your cheeks and neck. Itâs only when you look away from him that you remember what youâre here for. Itâs a study date, not a study dateâthereâs a difference.Â
You hand Sunghoon the material youâd printed for him over the weekend, excerpts from texts youâd studied in class, so he can practise close reading and proper citation. As he makes his way through them, you canât help stealing glances, smiling at the way his tongue sticks out a little while he focuses, or how he twirls his pen in his fingers while heâs thinking. You arenât making the best use of your time together, copying out the slides from class yesterday, but you canât help noticing the way he watches you when he thinks you canât see. The small smile on his face while he does so only flusters you, an odd weakness settling in your knees as your cheeks heat up.Â
After a while, Sunghoon sighs, running a hand through his hair. âCould you stop watching me?â
âIf you noticed me watching, that means youâre watching me.âÂ
He shrugs, chewing on his lip. âWell, yeah. Iâm always watching you,â he says like itâs a given. âBut you donât normally watch back, itâs distracting.âÂ
âYouâre distracting.â
A playful smile curves his lips as he arches a brow, smugness painting his face. âAm I?âÂ
Too scared to verbalise your response, you nod slowly, hoping you donât look as wound up as you feel.Â
Sunghoonâs eyes flick over your face, flashing with something you donât recognise. At least not from him. He sits back in his seat, assessing you and eventually shaking his head.Â
âYou know,â he says, eyes glowing with something you do recognise: cockiness. âIf my sexy arms are getting to you that much, I can always put my hoodie back on. Wouldnât want my little tutor getting distracted, would I?âÂ
Oh.Â
Your stomach turns with want, mind reeling from his tone and the way his gaze lands on your lips. Sighing, you roll your eyes and try to seem unaffected. âSunghoon, I never said your arms were sexy.âÂ
His phone starts to go off, buzzing against the table and he turns it over immediately, screen down on the surface as he shifts his focus back to his work. He chews on his lip while he does, eyes flicking back and forth between his phone and the words on the page. Curious, you lean over the table, elbows propped up as you rest your chin in your hands. He doesnât spare you or his phone, which vibrates another four times, a glance.
âAre you going to get that?âÂ
Sunghoon shakes his head. âItâs nothing.âÂ
You hum, letting just enough curiosity seep into the sound that heâll elaborate without being asked to. It doesnât take long for him to deliver.
âItâs just Chaewon,â he says, running his hand through his hair and lifting his head. Sunghoon smiles. âWeâve been texting a lot these days.âÂ
âCool.â You nod a few times, aiming for nonchalance but hitting bobblehead as you wait for him to continue. He doesnât, only humming in response, nodding too.Â
After a beat, he picks up his phone, angling it just high enough that you canât see the screen. He reads the messages, an exhaled laugh coming from his nose as the tips of his ears reddenâFuck. This is worse than you thought.Â
Chaewonâs commitment to girl code runs deepâsheâs been rebuffing Jake since first year when she overheard a girl sheâd never seen before telling her friends she thought he was cute. So you know without having to read the texts that nothing sheâs saying is even remotely flirty, you can smell the auto-caps and use of the word âbuddyâ from across the table.Â
What you hadnât counted on, however, was the potential for Sunghoonâs feelings to shift. If they really have been texting more, can you rule out the possibility that he might like.. her? Chaewon is a catch, beyond a catch, and youâd already turned Sunghoon down. Brutally. Of course, heâd move on, he has moved on.Â
The rest of the study session is spent manifesting, writing Park Sunghoon over and over in the back of your notebook. You fill three pages while brainstorming ways to snatch a lock of his hair until he suggests that the two of you call it a day. He walks you home, telling you about how Jakeâs been bribing him with food to get a ride to the LEGO store across town for the new Marvel set.Â
âWith or without the meals, I wouldâve taken him, but his ramen is my favourite, so..â Sunghoon says, climbing the last step of your building and holding the door open for you. âHe even brought a slice of tiramisu to the rink for me after practice.âÂ
âYouâre terrible,â you say, frowning up at him as you search for your keys. âDo you want to come in?âÂ
Sunghoon chuckles, shaking his head. âI have a meeting with one of my lecturers soon, Iâd have to leave inââ He pauses, rolling up the sleeve of his jacket to check the time. ââeight minutes.âÂ
âIâm cool with that if you are,â you mumble, suddenly shy.Â
A bright smile spreads over his lips and he nods, following you in.Â
Chilled by the harsh wind, the only thing on your mind is a hot drink as you lead Sunghoon to the kitchen. He shakes his head when you offer him one, sitting on the countertop and exhaling into his palms before rubbing them together. You canât help but frown at the sight, feeling guilty that you canât change the weather to suit him. At your thought process, your brows raise. Wow, you think. Is this who you are?Â
You busy yourself with the selection of hot drinks you and Chaewon have accumulated, eyeing each container from top to bottom. A purple tub of Cadburyâs hot chocolate that youâre sure is on the brink of expiration, coffeeâsachets of the instant stuff youâve grown to like since leaving home, Earl grey from one of many brands, or the fancy silk tea bags Chaewonâs mum brought home from a tripârooibos or plum-apple-cinnamon.Â
Craving something sweet, you settle for hot chocolate, pulling the heavy container from the cupboard next to Sunghoonâs head and setting it beside your cup. Heâs on his phone, scrolling too fast to take in anything heâs seeing and he shakes his head when you ask if he wants something to drink.Â
On the dish rack, Chaewonâs mug catches your eye, so you pick it up to dry it off and put it down next to yours. âIâm going to check if Wonie wants any,â you say, wiping imaginary crumbs from the counter onto the floor.Â
Sunghoon only clears his throat, shaking his head. âSheâs not home, one of her acrylics popped off so sheâs at the shop waiting for a cancellation.âÂ
The information itself isnât jarring, but hearing it from Sunghoon is. You put on what you hope is a neutral smile and nod, taking milk from the fridge and assembling your drink on autopilot while thinking of ways to redirect the conversation.Â
âIf you knew youâd have to go back to campus so soon, whyâd you walk me home?â you ask, watching your cup spin in the microwave. âI couldâve walked on my own.âÂ
Sunghoon is already looking at you when you turn your head, his cheeks puffed out with air as he blinks slowly. Because I love you, is what you hope heâll say. You think you need him to say it.Â
âBecause you donât have to do anything on your own when you have me,â he says instead, and itâs infinitely better.Â
The words seep through your every fibre, his intonation and lucid affection making a home for themselves in your heart, spreading warmth from head to toe. Your smile becomes a radiant grin, only brightening when he shakes his head, smiling down at his feet.Â
Sunghoon hugs you in the kitchen when itâs time for him to leave, his arms holding you tight to his chest as he rocks you back and forth. You inhale his scent,Â
Wiping the smile from your face feels impossible. You donât let go when he does, and a sweet laugh â a giggle, you think â tumbles out of him as he mumbles that he really has to go. Still, you cling onto him, taking clumsy steps backwards, with your arms locked around his waist, to your front door, smiling as you watch him put his shoes on.Â
âYou donât have to walk me downstairs, honestly,â he says, looking down at you in the doorway.
âI want to.âÂ
His lips quirk up at the corners, a full smile breaking through and causing your stomach to flutter with so much force youâre sure itâs visible through your shirt. His eyes fall to your lips, lingering, before he clears his throat, looking away.Â
âIâll text you when I get to the door, promise.âÂ
You lock your pinky with his. âSend a selfie, just so I know itâs you and not someone else using your phone.âÂ
Sunghoonâs head falls back in a laugh. âShould I just call you? That way you can make sure I get back to uni in one piece.âÂ
You nod.
âThat wasnât anything with Chaewon earlier, I just needed advice on some girl stuff..â He trails off, searching your eyes. Itâs obvious that heâs telling the truth, that he wants you to believe him. You do. âI wasnât sure if that was something I could talk about with you.âÂ
Girl stuff. Hmm. You try not to read too much into it and look at the bigger picture insteadâyour best friend is going through something and doesnât feel like he can come to you about it.. You squeeze his pinky reassuringly, a flutter in your stomach when he smiles.Â
âYou can talk to me about anything,â you say, meaning it.Â
Sunghoon presses his lips together, humming and unlinking your fingers. âNext time,â he says after a beat, waving at you.Â
You shut the door, locking it while watching through the peephole, he leaves as soon as the lock clicks shut. In the kitchen, your hot chocolate is cooling down, and your phone rings in your back pocket. Sunghoonâs calling.Â
Hanging out with Sunghoon. Making sure he sticks to the time-blocked schedule you made for him. Quizzing him on biology terms until he gets restless. If the last two weeks were an episode of Family Feud, those would be the top three answers to the question: Name something YN is doing right now.
Thankfully tonight, itâs the first one.Â
Youâve been sitting on the couch for so long, Jake has both left for football practice and arrived from football practice. Conversation ebbs and flowsâan hour or so of nonstop talking, followed by another hour or so of comfortable near silence.Â
Itâs during a quiet hour that Sunghoon sits up straight, clearing his throat before saying, âLet me ask you something. He retreats to the other side of the couch, turning to face you with his whole body. âI donât want things to be weird after I ask, so no matter what your answer is, I wonât bring it up or ask again.â
Arching a curious brow, you nod. âYou can ask me anything,â you say, meaning it.
Sunghoonâs face is impressively blankâminus the motion of sharp teeth worrying plush lip, thereâs absolutely nothing behind his eyes that seem to stare right through you.Â
Eventually, he asks, âCan I kiss you?â He says more. Big, scary words like for closure and moving on, but they donât register. They donât matter.Â
Your heart pounds at the base of your throat as you find interest in your hands that sit in your lap. Even without looking at him, you canât get over the slight crease he had in his brow and the slight tremor in his hands.Â
âFor closure,â you repeat, though your voice doesnât sound like itâs coming from you, muffled under the thump of your heart.Â
Sunghoon nods. âFor closure.âÂ
A humourless laugh sneaks past your throat as you look at him. You shouldnât have. In the lamplight, Sunghoon is golden and glorious. Warm light casts one side of his face, diffusing gently over the steep slope of his nose, highlighting his moles and the look in his eyes, gentle and curious all at once. Unwillingly, your gaze falls to his lips, parted, tempting.Â
One firm nod of your head brings Sunghoonâs hand to your face, his palm cupping your cheek with soft skin as his thumb traces your cheekbone. You grow anxious under his stare, under the drag of his eyes over your features, taking them one at a time like heâs committing them to memory.
Leaning in, your eyes flutter shut as your lips meet his and he freezes, mouth completely still on yours. Delicately, your tongue traces the seam of his lips, soft and plump, until they part for you, moving with yours. Sunghoonâs kiss is unpolished when it reaches you. Itâs hesitant but tender, clumsy but sweet, heâs trying and heâs perfect; your favourite.Â
The kiss is.. itâs everything. Itâs the racing of your heart, the thudding, the vibrant buzz you can hear, feel humming against your ears. Itâs a rush of blood to the head, a lightness all over that pulls you out of your body. Itâs Sunghoonâs soft lips curving into a smile against yours, his gentle hold on your face never letting up as he holds you as close as he can manage, and itâs every bit as lovely as the rest of him.
Palpable is the heartbeat of your friendship, beating to a lull under the surface of the kiss, fizzling out into nothing, a steady silence, flatlining to give way to something more, something bigger.Â
Every brush of your lips against his is a revelation, a confession. Youâre all Iâve ever wanted, you tell him with your kiss. Youâre everything I need. His free hand finds yours, locking your fingers and squeezing, the action timed well enough to make you think he hears you, to make you think heâs saying, weâll be okay, I still love you.Â
With that, he pulls away, a delicate tension piercing the air. Blown eyes and laboured breathingâheâs beautiful, fuzzy around the edges with warm orange and all of the love in your heart. Breathless, you chew on your lip, cognisant of Sunghoonâs hand in yours and the sparkle in his eyes as he looks at you.Â
Belatedly, you squeeze his hand back, smiling. âWas it everything you ever dreamed of?â you whisper, part teasing, all curious.
Abruptly, Sunghoon stands up, letting go of you in the process. âI have to go.âÂ
You want to stop him, you think youâre supposed to. To grab him by the arm and kiss him again, to yell in his face that you love him until he understands. But you donât. Instead, you stay seated, staring at Sunghoonâs back and following him with your eyes out of the room and down the hall until heâs out of sight.Â
Itâs your first time being so upset after a kiss, and you canât tell if itâs his leaving or the mention of him moving on thatâs tripping you up so much. Thatâs causing melancholy to crawl from the shadows, sinking its jagged nails into your skin to pull you under.Â
You love him. Heâs gone.Â
Eyes stuck on the doorway, time stretches over the room around you, thick and malleable, wet and cloyingâclay stuck under your nails for days as the fire in the kiln rages on.Â
Sighing, you get up and wait at his door. You ball your hand into a limp fist, knocking weakly. Sunghoon doesnât reply. You try again, harder. Still nothing.Â
Barging into the room, you find him sitting on the end of his bed with his face in his hands.Â
âDonât move on.â The words come out before you realise and Sunghoon lifts his head, squinting at you.Â
âHuh?â He tilts his head, watching closely as you approach him, tipping it back enough to meet your eyes when you stand over him.Â
You take a breath, holding it until your head starts to spin. âI donât want you to love someone else, Sunghoon. Please donât move on.âÂ
The stillness that follows is disconcerting, a long quiet you can feel on your skin, amplifying the blank stare on his face as he looks up at you. His eyes flash, a spark of hope behind them so bright it stings to look at.
âDo you..â He trails off, his lips moving to form the next word though stopping short.
âI do,â you whisper, nodding. âIâm sorry for taking so long.â
An exhaled laugh comes from his nose as he grins, shaking his head. âYou like me?â he asks, excitement and disbelief fighting for authority over his voice, his hands holding your waist and pulling you down into his lap.
âI love you,â you admit, settling on his thighs.Â
âYou do?â His eyes are wide and gleaming, searching every feature on your face before settling on your own.
You nod. âSo much.âÂ
Sunghoonâs chin tips up, his lips pressing against yours, excited pecks that canât turn into much more for the smiles on your faces. You rest your arms on his shoulders, hands clasping behind his head, nervous fingers playing with the hair at the nape of his neck.Â
âSo.. will you be my boyfriend? For real?âÂ
Tilting his head, he tries and fails to fight a smile. âI will. Iâm a little bummed though.âÂ
âWhy?â You raise a brow, and the word tips up at the end with it.Â
âI wanted to be the one to ask you.â Sunghoonâs honesty warms the room, endearing you completely.Â
You grin, loving the heat spreading over your cheeks. âAsk me anyway.âÂ
âPlease can I be your boyfriend?âÂ
In the weeks that followed, it became immediately clear that boyfriend Sunghoon operated on a pendulum swinging between sexual ferality and terror. Heâd get distracted during study sessions at home, finding more interest in biting at your neck than stream-of-consciousness prose, but closed his eyes if a sex scene came on TV. Heâd buck his hips against yours while making out but flinch at the sight of condoms in the store.
He wasnât ready to have sex and didnât know how to tell you, so you took matters into your own hands, asking if you could wait until after his results for resubmission came in, saying you didnât want the distraction for either of you. Sunghoon agreed, pecking your cheek and holding you tight to his chest.Â
The only thing was that your lecturer hadnât given him an exact date, so every morning, you held your phone in a vice grip waiting for Sunghoon to update you, and every morning, you got the same text: Nothing today, baby âšď¸Â
This morning, youâre brushing your teeth when he texts you, in all caps: NO FUCKING WAY I GOT A 98 !!! LOOK !!!
When the picture comes through, itâs of him in the mirror and you choke on mouthwash at the sight. Heâs smiling, bright and beautiful, in a black vest that heâs holding up a little to show his stomach, though his palm is in the way of his toned abs and it cuts off right at the top of his grey sweatpants.Â
Your mouth goes dry as you click on it, fixating on every little detail you can find: the thickness of his fingers against his phone, the dip in his collarbones, the breadth of his shoulders and the cinch of his waist. In a fit of desperation, you try swiping at the bottom of your screen, willing the picture to magically extend. It doesnât.Â
hoonie: Finger slipped.. You like?
you: mm..Â
you: 98??? HOLY SHIT, LOOK AT YOU!!!
hoonie: All you.. do you like the picture?
you: i love itâŚâŚâŚâŚ.
hoonie: My girl đ¤
Another picture comes in, and sure enough, through the glare of his laptop screen, you see: Course name: The Modernist Movement: Joyce, Woolf, and Hemingway. Marks Awarded: 98.0.
you: well done baby !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hoonie: Thx đ
hoonie: Can I have my prize now ha ha .. haha đ
you: just for that emoji, no you absolutely cannot.
Your resolve isnât strong enough when it comes to Sunghoon, because purple devil emoji and all, you show up at his door with condoms in your bag and a bouquet of lilies behind your back.Â
The door creaks open and Sunghoon greets you with a grin. âHey, gorgeous. You proud of me?âÂ
You beam at him, holding out the flowers. âIâm very proud, Hoon, well done.âÂ
âI donât want to ruin the moment,â he starts, taking the bouquet from your hands and sniffing the flowers with an approving smile. âBut hearing you say youâre proud of me is awakening something I didnât know existed.â
âA good something?âÂ
âMm,â he hums, arms finding your waist before he pecks your lips. âA very good something.âÂ
Sunghoonâs words hit your lips and your core, a desperate heat flooding your stomach as he kisses you deeply, his body pressed tightly against yours while he pulls you into his apartment. He kicks the door shut with his foot, slipping his hand under your jacket to settle in your back pocket, not quite squeezing but holding your ass as gently as he can manage.Â
He breaks away from you, love in his eyes as he stares down into yours, catching his breath. âI donât think we own a vase.âÂ
In his kitchen, you rifle through cupboards to find something to hold the flowers, eventually finding a whiskey decanter in the cupboard under the sink, and holding it up for Sunghoon to see.
âOh, yeah,â he says. âItâs Jayâs. Itâll work right?âÂ
You nod, taking it to the sink to rinse it. Sunghoon wraps his arms around you from behind, resting his chin on your shoulder watching you fill the decanter with water and flower food before grabbing the bouquet. He presses open-mouthed kisses to your neck and you struggle to stay focused as you cut down the stems on the flowers, arranging them neatly.Â
âCan I take a photo?â he asks when youâre done.Â
Heâs smiling when you turn around to look at him, a soft curve of his lips that makes your heart race, a deep tenderness in his eyes when you meet them. You smile too.Â
âTheyâre yours, baby, do whatever you want.âÂ
âA photo of you with the flowers,â he clarifies.Â
Warmth settles in your chest, a grin spreading over your lips from ear to ear. You nod, taking the decanter in your hands when he lets go of you, holding the flowers up beside your face and smiling for his camera. As his phone shutter clicks away, you steal glances at his face behind it. Heâs watching the screen with a smile, telling you how beautiful you are.
âI want pictures of you too,â you say, handing the flowers over.Â
âIâm yours, baby, do whatever you want.âÂ
Sunghoon poses for your photos, smiling sweetly in some and sniffing the bouquet appreciatively with closed eyes for others. Heâs glowing and heâs beautiful and your heart triples in size while taking picture after picture until your phone tells you it has ten percent.Â
âThank you, YN,â he says. âIâve never gotten flowers before, I love them.â His arms settle around your waist, lips pressing against yours before you have the chance to respond.Â
You try anyway, mumbling against his lips that you love him. In response, Sunghoon grins, but the feeling of his cock growing hard against you is distracting, a lust-coated thorn in the side of the butterflies fluttering in your stomach. With locked lips and uncertain steps, the two of you bump into corners and trip over your own feet, stumbling to his room and parting only to tear his hoodie over his head.
Breathless, you pull away, eyes trailing over him and picking up on everything, from the tremble in his hands to the lust-addled worry in his eyes. Heâs nervous, you thinkâthough it escapes you, the last word coming out like a question.
Sunghoon scoffs, his hands resting on your waist under your shirt, skin clammy against yours. âOf course, Iâm nervous.âÂ
âYou donât have to be.â
âI just want to be good for you.âÂ
âDonât worry about that, let me take care of you, Hoon.â Your palms drag up his torso â firm abs through soft cotton, defined chest over racing heart â to rest on his shoulders. âSit,â you say when he nods.Â
He gulps, taking a seat on the end of his bed under your gentle push, eyes widening when you sink to your knees between his legs and reach for his drawstring, pulling the ends to untie the knot.Â
âWait,â Sunghoon says, breathless, scrunching up his face and dropping his head. âLet me calm down, baby. At this rate, Iâll come just seeing your hand on it.âÂ
You giggle, resting your head on his thigh and wrapping the drawstring around your finger.
âIâm serious, YN,â he mumbles, laughing as he takes his vest off. âI need a minute.âÂ
Sunghoonâs eyes are pressed shut as he tries to collect himself, lips pouty and kiss-bitten, slightly parted with ragged breaths slipping out. You wait patiently for him. Heâs so pretty like this, with the crease in his brow and the pretty pink flush dusting his cheeks as his chest rises and falls. You canât help but smile, leaning into his touch when his hand rests on top of your head, his blunt nails grazing your scalp. After a while, he seems more at ease, his eyes finding yours and he smiles shyly, telling you heâs ready now and lifting his hips from the bed to let you pull his sweats and underwear down.Â
Free from the constraints of fabric, his cock slaps his stomach with a wet sound as the tip meets his skin, leaving a pearlescent streak over his abs. The sight makes your mouth water and you canât look away. âPretty,â you whisper.
Wrapping a hand under his tip, you swipe it with your thumb, taking time to memorise the flutter of his eyelids, the bobbing of his Adamâs apple, and the soft sigh he lets out. You stroke him slowly, liking the way his breath picks up as his brows knit together before you take him in your mouth. Itâs a tight fit but you do your best, spurred on by the way he tugs at your hair and stutters through a holy fuck as you take as much of him as you can.Â
Sunghoon goes silent, only squirming when you use your hand to stroke him near his base. Self-conscious about his lack of vocal affirmation, you look up at him through your lashes, and the pure bliss on his face is unbearably attractive. His eyes are rolled back under furrowed brows, his mouth hanging open as he throws his head back.
âAm I doing okay?â you ask, using the moment to catch your breath.
He nods, inhaling shakily and screwing his eyes shut while his hips buck up into your fist. âIâm.. Youâre doing such a good job, baby, so good.â
Satisfaction courses through you from the praise, a high that dulls the ache in your jaw. Still watching him, you massage his balls in your palm, pressing open-mouthed kisses to his tip when he whines. You tongue at his slit until he thrusts back into your mouth, tip hitting your throat, and he gasps when you gag, his arm coming up to cover his eyes. A belated apology slips from his lips, mumbled as he strokes your hair with a shaking hand and goes quiet again. When you speed up, his breath stutters, the muscles in his thighs contracting around your head as you suck and lick and drool on his cock.Â
A moan of your name, and his hand holding your hand down, are the only warnings you get before Sunghoon comes, spilling his load right down your throat. Whining, his hips buck up against your face, pushing further and further until he falls back onto the mattress.
Your throat is hoarse and aches while you use the back of your hand to wipe at your lips, enjoying whatâs left of his taste on your tongue. Deep red tints his neck and chest, a pretty flush gleaming under the sheen of sweat on his skin. Heâs mesmerising, as he tries for air through swollen lips and looks up at you through squinted eyes. He reaches for you, cute grabby hands tugging your shirt and pulling you down so youâre lying next to him with your head on his chest.Â
âYouâre amazing, baby, so good for me,â Sunghoon whispers, eyes fluttering shut as you drag your nails over his torso, feeling the subtle heave of the slick, sculpted muscle over his stomach and chest.Â
Pride heats your chest, satisfaction rolling over you like a wave. âReally?â
He hums in affirmation, nodding his head.Â
âYou were so quiet, I couldnât really tell,â you add, hungry for more praise.Â
âThe walls are so thin in here, I just got used to being quiet,â Sunghoon says, frowning. Hand meeting your chin, he tips your head up towards him, pressing a soft kiss to your lips and mumbling, âIâm sorry. You were perfect, I swear.âÂ
Itâs a sweet kiss. Until lips move harder and hands get lower, desperate as he thumbs the top of your leggings, palm unmoving but a dangerous heat blooms in your stomach anyway.
âCan I..â Sunghoon pinches you softly through the material, unsure eyes boring deep into yours.Â
You nod. âYou can.âÂ
Slipping under your waistband, his fingers skate across your skin dipping between your thighs. He grazes your slit, satisfaction clear in the groan he lets out as he feels the wetness there, pulling it over the length of your slit to cover your clit. Your breath hitches, a strangled gasp, pleasure and surprise meeting in your throat under the pressure of his thumb on your clit, the gentle sting of his finger pushing into you.Â
What Sunghoon lacks in experience, he makes up for with the sheer length and thickness of his fingers. Itâs almost jarring, itâs enough to force your eyes closed and bring a sigh rumbling out of you, ache and relief settling between your legs, where he curls a finger against your walls and drags slow circles over your clit.Â
âCan you take these off, baby?â he asks, hand away to touch your leggings.Â
You donât waste a second, sitting up to pull them off, throwing them and your underwear across the room. Sunghoon licks his lips, tugging at the hem of your shirt.Â
âAnd this? If you want..âÂ
You nod, pulling it off immediately to let it join the rest of your clothes in a heap on the floor. The way he gulps is a confidence boost, his dilated pupils taking in every inch of your body, though his gaze always pulls back to your braâwhite and lacy, thin enough for your nipples to push through the fabric and Sunghoon canât seem to get enough, though he waits until youâre lying down again to touch you.Â
Sunghoon props himself up on his elbow, leaning over you. âYouâre beautiful,â he whispers, dragging a finger over the lace at the top of your bra, toying with the material and the little bow sitting between your breasts. His eyes flick up to meet yours. âSo beautiful,â he repeats.Â
Hiding your face in his chest, you mumble, âThank you,â into his skin while trying to ignore the heat spreading over your body wherever he touches you. His hand trails from your arm to your waist, resting on your hips to slip over your ass for a beat, where he grabs and squeezes the flesh there before coming back around to slot between your legsâyou lift one of them, resting it over his body, and heâs smiling sweetly when you look up at him.
Sunghoonâs movements are unchanging, though the sensation is heightened by the unbridled desire in his lidded eyes that urges white heat to lick over every inch of your skinâthis time he pushes two fingers into you.
It doesnât get better than this, you think. But it does, quickly.Â
Leaning over you, his eyes flick across your face, one feature at a time as he chews on his lip. Reaching up, you push some of his hair from his face, holding it back and saying, âRelax, baby.âÂ
âDonât want to hurt you.â
Moving your hand, you blink when his hair flops back over his forehead, tickling your eyelashes. His eyes are focused now, staring straight down into yours, want and worry flashing behind them.Â
âYou wonât, I promise,â you say, locking your pinky with his, feeling relieved when he smiles.
Sunghoon pushes in slowly, his name slipping from your lips when he exhales shakily, head falling forward. The sting, the pleasure, make it hard to breathe, molten desire taking hold of your lungs as he carves out a place for himself as far youâll take him, all the way to the hilt as slow as he can manage.Â
A moan tears out of him, lewd and whiny as his hair tickles your collarbone, head falling into the crook of your neck. His skin is hot and damp against yours, his breath burning your shoulder as he tries to calm down. Itâs difficult to register much else, tethered only by the sound of his voice when he asks, âAm I hurting you?âÂ
âHoon,â you whisper.Â
âCan you look at me, baby?â He lifts his head, resting a hand on your cheek. You blink your eyes open, gaze locking with his, where concern pushes through his desire. âAm I hurting you?â he asks again. âAre you okay?âÂ
You nod. âIâm okay, just..â You sigh. âFull. Need a minute.âÂ
Sunghoon kisses you, lips moving gently with yours, passing breathy whines between your mouths until you feel yourself relaxing. Pulling his plush bottom lip between yours, you suck on it, nodding. âWant you to move, baby,â you mumble.Â
He scans your face, eyes meeting yours as he pulls his hips back. Heâs slow, so slow with his thrusts that your belly turns with want, your fingernails sink into the taut skin of his back, and jagged sobs fall out of you with each drag of his cock along your walls.Â
Everywhere his skin touches yours is set ablaze with scorching heat, goosebumps pushing past the surface as his breath fans your neck and his sharp teeth graze your skin. He bites hard enough to sting, and you wince as his tongue flicks out your bitten flesh to soothe you.
You were so worked up earlier, writhing against the sheets and coming undone in his palm, so bliss quickly pushes through the ache between your legs. âGood, Hoon, feels so good,â you manage, struggling to convey how perfect it is.
âJust want to make you feel good.â His words melt into each other, vowels soft and elongated as they curl around each other. Heâs working up a steady rhythm, his tip consistently nudging you where you need itâthe spot that makes the room blur around you. âThatâs all I want.âÂ
Before long, the knot in your stomach pulls you up from the mattress, arching your back towards the ceiling. Mouth to mouth, chest to chestâitâs the closest youâve ever felt to someone else, the closest youâve ever been. The thought alone knocks the wind out of you, and his persistent whining does nothing to help.
Your want and adoration for Sunghoon run bone-deep, inching up your spine and creeping over your shoulders, intertwined with an all-consuming pleasure that turns the heat in your stomach molten as a shudder zips through you. Even though you canât find the words to let him know, he lifts your hips from the bed to fuck you deeper, harder, into the mattress until shaky orgasms pull both of you under.Â
You let him fall into you, fingers curling around his hair, whispering I love you into the skin of his neck as he comes, most of his weight on top of you while you catch your breath, relishing in the fullness you feel as the last waves of your high pull back. You stay like this for as long as he needs, his head coming up from the crook of your neck to smile at you before pressing his lips to yours. A sleepy haze fills the room around you, tongue swiping tongue as you giggle happily into his mouth.Â
After a while, he gets up, tying the condom to throw it away and comes back with his shirt. He uses it to clean upâgentle between your legs, pressing kisses to your calves while he does. Sunghoonâs tenderness wraps around your heart, and love clouds your vision, forming a blurry trail that follows all of his movements, glowing like something from a dream, ethereal, an apparition.Â
The bed dips beside you, his arms around you, pulling you in so his chin rests on your head. You push your cheek into his chest, hoping the two of you will meld into oneâthe thought makes you warm all over, a fuzziness that reaches every part of your body while he presses kisses into your hair, rubbing your back.Â
âI love you,â he says, voice as soft as the rest of him. âIâm glad I exist.â
mama park: Hi lovely đ missing you lots, wondering when youâll be home for XmasâŚâŚâŚ..love ma
Sunghoon stirs, nose scrunching as he snores softly into the quiet of a winter morning. His chest rises and falls steadily under your head and he doesnât move when you sit up. The lamp on his desk is still on â neither of you could be bothered getting up to turn it off last night â and under its dim glow, you admire him. Perfect lips gently curvedâlong lashes kissing the skin under his eyes.Â
Love hits you from all angles, warmth all over from head to toe despite the chill in Sunghoonâs room. You canât help but grin, leaning up to nose along the underside of his chin, his natural scent so soft yet dizzying as you nuzzle into him. He stirs again, turning his head this way and that before resting, you feel a bit bad, deciding to leave him be and text his mum back.Â
you: hi mum !!! missing you sooooooo much :((( will be home asap
mama park: BTW Sunghoon told me everything. I raised such good actors LOL make sure he looks after you and keeps you happy!
you: iâm so sorry we lied to you..
you: but iâm really happy with him and he loves me a lot
you: i love him so much .. never been so sure of anyone in my life
Š zreamy (2023), all rights reserved. do not repost, translate, or plagiarise my work. do let my know your thoughts !
summary: if finding your soulmate is the same as a damn game of russian roulette, you are determined to not pull the trigger at all. except, you know who your soulmate is and he doesnâtâand given a choice to pretend, you find that jaehyun is the lesser of the two burdens to bear.
genre: soulmate au, office au, fake dating, fluff (a lot), angst (a little), romcom, magical realism (??)
words: 21.2k
warnings:Â language
song recs: playlist here !
a/n: behold ! a kdrama compressed in a fic ! ok i was lying there was more than a little angst but all in good fun <3 i have never experienced working in an office (thanks to the panny) but i tried making it as accurate as i could !! hope you have fun with this <3
Itâs not that youâve never been looked at with a loverâs gaze, itâs just that whatever look Jaehyun has been giving you is mildly uncomfortable. Itâs not supposed to be that way. Hell, even his hand clasping yours are a little too clammy for your liking.
Jung Yoonoh. Get your act together.
You wish he were a better actor than this. For someone used to eyes on him in each and every room heâs in, heâs not very good at making eye contact. Youâll be saving this performance. Not to stroke your own ego but at least you know how to behave under strong gazes.
There are three people staring at the two of you and your fingers intertwined, scrutinizing your postures and the expressions on your faces. Maybe Jaehyun should face them instead of glancing at you wordlessly. Heâs a terrible liar for someone who acts so smooth.Â
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