i knead the truth

a passion for delivering uninterrupted truth through the medium of nonsense

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Kate Middleton's important coronation duty could leave her feeling unwell but event can't go ahead without it

Princess of Wales has an important role for King Charles III’s coronation but there are last-minute fears she may struggle to complete her vital duty of eating 500 ceremonial hamburgers, reports say With Charles’s coronation looming, everyone here at I Knead The Truth HQ is getting psyched up for the monarchy and we’ll probably be wearing our Union Jack top hats all week (our tea lady June has a…

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Zoo confident they've seen last lion outbreak since doing nothing since previous lion outbreak to prevent future lion outbreaks

Zoo confident they’ve seen last lion outbreak since doing nothing since previous lion outbreak to prevent future lion outbreaks

Keepers reassure public that they are “confident” they have seen the last lion outbreak after doing nothing following the third one this year, reports confirm Following a recent lion outbreak, which left 100 people dead, a zoo in Altrincham has resisted calls to close as they were “confident” there wouldn’t be any more lion attacks, I Knead The Truth has heard. Fred Hughes, manager at…

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This benevolent millionaire veterinarian just bought an entire Pembrokeshire village to turn into holiday lets and he's going to let some refugees stay in one to offset a bit of his guilt while he makes a tidy profit and frankly it is the heart melting story we all need right now

This benevolent millionaire veterinarian just bought an entire Pembrokeshire village to turn into holiday lets and he’s going to let some refugees stay in one to offset a bit of his guilt while he makes a tidy profit and frankly it is the heart melting story we all need right now

Celeb vet bought whole coastal village with intention of developing into holiday homes but is also letting a refugee family stay there for bit and we are so here for acts of altruism of this nature, I Knead the Truth reports When the last living resident of a quaint coastal village in Pembrokeshire died a few months back, locals were worried that it would just become another ghost town populated…

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This Man Has Come Up With A Genius Way To Solve The Climate Crisis By Making A Biodegradable Fishing Trawler Net And Frankly We Are Here For It

This Man Has Come Up With A Genius Way To Solve The Climate Crisis By Making A Biodegradable Fishing Trawler Net And Frankly We Are Here For It

Man invents eco-friendly trawler net out of willow and we can rest easy that the future of the planet is in safe hands, I Knead The Truth reveals Remember a few years ago when people were saying that the fishing industry had got out of hand and was being incredibly harmful to not just sea life populations but also to entire ecosystems? And remember how the majority of plastic in the oceans…

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This school held a Bring an Equadorian Biting Fly to School Day and no one can work out how they ended up with an outbreak of Equadorian biting flies in the school

This school held a Bring an Equadorian Biting Fly to School Day and no one can work out how they ended up with an outbreak of Equadorian biting flies in the school

Despite actively encouraging pupils to bring Equadorial biting flies to school mystery remains unsolved as to how Equadorian biting flies school outbreak started, I Knead The Truth reports Authorities have conceded they have no idea how a large swarm of Equadorian biting flies got into a school despite clear indications that they were released into the school as part of Exotic Insect Week…

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UK Bee Council votes to respond to "urgent killer mutant bees invasion" by hosting talks next year to "discuss urgency of killer mutant bees invasion"

UK Bee Council votes to respond to “urgent killer mutant bees invasion” by hosting talks next year to “discuss urgency of killer mutant bees invasion”

Following the latest 35th Emergency Annual Killer Mutant Bees Conference, the Bee Council of Great Britain has agreed to hold talks again next year to discuss the imminent impact of the killer bees which are set to annihilate all of mankind, reports say Something urgent must be done about the mutant bees A spokesperson for the Killer Mutant Bees Conference 2021, this year hosted in…

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Colin the Caterpillar rescued after seven weeks ordeal at hands of rival supermarket

Colin the Caterpillar rescued after seven weeks ordeal at hands of rival supermarket

Aldi accused of torturing popular M&S chocolate bug cake to create own mutant version, reports say After a seven-week ordeal Marks and Spencer’s prized asset Colin the Caterpillar was found stable but “severely mutilated” in a rival supermarket’s secret mountain hideout in Snowdonia National Park. The popular chocolate bug cake disappeared from his Kensington apartment almost two months ago and…

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NATO pledges to leave Afghanistan for real this time and give some other country the chance to get invaded for indefinite period

NATO pledges to leave Afghanistan for real this time and give some other country the chance to get invaded for indefinite period

Time has come for American-led NATO forces to definitely move out of Afghanistan and roll on to next stop on rolling world tour, says President Biden After a record-breaking war, with NATO forces reportedly getting the “twenty year itch”, time has come, sources say, to move on from Afghanistan to their next target for invasion, I Knead The Truth has heard. Following one of the longest…

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Quarter of bear-attack deaths not caused by bear, study finds

Quarter of bear-attack deaths not caused by bear, study finds

Almost quarter of all registered bear-related deaths at zoo for killer bears are people not dying from being mauled or eaten by bears per se, a new highly selective series of figures show. A recent study has found that nearly 25% of all deaths at a sanctuary for killer bears were deaths “involving” bears as opposed to “from” attacks by bears, a report has heard, which will be music to the ears…

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Couple looking to shift hundreds of boxes of 100th birthday paraphernalia

Couple looking to shift hundreds of boxes of 100th birthday paraphernalia

A couple are looking to shift a whole bunch of unwanted centenary celebration merchandise, it has been reported An entrepreneurial couple have a whole warehouse of 100th birthday celebration products they are looking to shift at a discount price, following the news of the death of the Duke of Edinburgh, sources can reveal George and Anne Mildew from Sandhurst, Berkshire, today said that they…

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Fifth fundamental force of nature tiny goblin riding exercise bike under sink

Fifth fundamental force of nature tiny goblin riding exercise bike under sink

Scientists claim to have discovered a fifth fundamental force of nature which is being harnessed by a tiny goblin living under a kitchen sink, reports say Scientists working inside a deep underground laboratory in Chicago this week found a little goblin pedalling an exercise bike in the cupboard under their sink, which could be the missing fifth force of nature, it has been reported. “I was…

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Insatiable bloodlust “not common vaccine side-effect,” scientists insist

Insatiable bloodlust “not common vaccine side-effect,” scientists insist

Scientists behind new vaccine say “insatiable bloodlust” is incredibly rare side-effect The makers of the latest vaccine to hit the UK have insisted that it is not common for recipients to experience a relentless and unquenchable thirst for blood. The news comes amidst reports of several people exhibiting symptoms of a “vampiric nature,” I Knead The Truth has heard. Tony Wilson from…

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Annual Pig Festival "set in stone" despite predicted literal asteroid strike

Annual Pig Festival “set in stone” despite predicted literal asteroid strike

Organisers of pig-themed festival say they cannot change the date even though an asteroid the size of the festival is predicted to hit the site on the day of the event, reports say Organisers of the Annual Great Big Pig Rally are reluctant to change the date of their festival because “it is set in stone”, despite warnings that a large destructive intergalactic missile will land on the site, I…

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British trawler fishing bycatch "kindest and most humane" bycatch in world, study by British Trawler Fishing Industry finds

British trawler fishing bycatch “kindest and most humane” bycatch in world, study by British Trawler Fishing Industry finds

A study funded, led and at no point scrutinised by anyone outside of the British Trawler Fishing Industry has found that the British Trawler Fishing Industry was “amongst the finest, if not the finest” example of humane and “generally great” trawler fishing, according to a report by the British Trawler Fishing Industry, which we at I Knead The Truth were happy to swallow hook, line and…

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Chancellor joins campers outside office building, saying return to work can't come Sunak-nough

Chancellor joins campers outside office building, saying return to work can’t come Sunak-nough

Employees camping outside office building joined by Rishi Sunak MP, reports say Employees at an asbestos industry magazine who have been camping outside their offices trying to get in since last March were joined by the Chancellor of the Exchequer today, reports heard. Mr Sunak MP, turning up with a rolled up sleeping bag and a brand new 4-man tent, said the only way to get the message across…

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Millions of missing vaccines thought to be in Italy found in Guildford airing cupboard

Millions of missing vaccines thought to be in Italy found in Guildford airing cupboard

Couple from Guildford had 38 million doses of Astra Zeneca in airing cupboard, report finds Millions of doses of Astrazeneca thought to be hidden in Italy have surfaced in a house in Guildford. A retired couple from Guildford said they had “no idea” they had 38 million doses of the Astrazeneca vaccine hidden in the back of their airing cupboard, I Knead The Truth has heard. Margaret and Clive…

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How to show your anger at the government without being too much of a bother - a guide to legitimate protest

How to show your anger at the government without being too much of a bother – a guide to legitimate protest

Protesting effectively is a real minefield, especially if you want the established orders to take notice of your plight without causing too much disruption or noise. So to help you protest in the most non-threatening way possible, here at I Knead The Truth we’ve come up with a fun helpful guide on how to protest effectively without resorting to smashing windows and writing crude placards that…

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