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SUMMARY: dazai has an encounter with someone who is supposed to be dead, and now he's somehow left in an even worse position than he was beforeโand he didn't even know that was possible. if there's one thing that's always rung true in his life, it's that things can always get worse.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: SORRY GUYS IM SO LATE BUT I HAD AN INTERACTION WITH MY FAV COSPLAYER THAT HAD ME SO FLUSTERED I FORGOT I WAS POSTING TONIGHT LOLLLLLLL. anyway!!! enjoy the chapter, the first scene was genuinely one of my all time favs to write!!! i'm going to be responding to comments from the last chapter, last week's one shot, and this chapter this weekend! so sorry its taken me so long to respond wahhhh. also i didnโt research the whole mayoral system in japan LOL so i based removal process mostly on US mayoral removal process. reblogs and comments always appreciated!!
GENERAL WARNINGS: fem!reader, port mafia boss!reader, civilian!dazai, ptsd, mentions of past war crimes, mentions of alcoholism, temporary amnesia, dazai is mentally unstable, so is reader, both of them are struggling LOL, grieving (reader), a bit of suicide ideation (that's a given from dazai, a little bit from reader too tho), as always: reader is part of the mafia, expect mafia behavior from her, she is not a good person.
SEE: THE LAND IS INHOSPITABLE (BUT ARE WE?) SERIES MASTERLIST
What the fuck?
Dazai stares at a dead man.ย
A living man?ย
A living man who should be dead.ย
Mori Ougai is very much alive, although Dazai is struggling to comprehend it. His lips part to say something, but he can only blink and shake his head. Heโs too confused to even be angry at the sight of the man who ruined everything for him. The silence stretches too long, and Dazai knows he should be the first one to speak. He needs to demand an answer before Mori can get in the first blow.
โWhat are you doing here?โ Dazai finally demands. โHow the fuck are you alive?โ
Mori clicks his tongue mockingly. โLanguage, Shuji-kun,โ he chides. โThere are children around.โ
Dazai blanches. Heโs not sure if heโs more disgusted by the use of his birth name or shocked by the implications of Mori speaking it. Does Mori remember him? How is that possible? How is he alive? Dazaiโs mind spins as he grasps for answers, but he doesnโt even know where to start. You killed Mori, but somehow heโs standing right in front of Dazai, so that means you didnโt kill him, obviously, and if heโs aware of Dazai, then you didnโt even wipe his memories? So then what was the point of pretending to kill him? What was the point of the coup? What was the point of wiping your memories of him? Of erasing him from everyoneโs minds?ย
Dazai suddenly feels nauseous. Heโs not sure if heโs sick with anger, frustration, or insecurity. Maybe all three. Anger at you for lying to him, frustration at never understanding the whole situation no matter how hard he tries to, insecurity because does this mean you erased him from your life for no reason other than wanting him gone?
Not to protect him, but because you were sick of him.
No, Dazai thinks, trying not to let his throat swell with hurt. No, heโs misunderstanding something.
Do you even know that Mori is alive?
Mori sighs dramatically. โYou were indeed the last person I expected to find me here, Shuji-kun. How unfortunate. Come, boy. I may as well make use of you.โ
Dazai doesnโt move when Mori leaves and disappears down the left corridor. He doesnโt know if he should follow him at all, and the only reason why heโs considering it is because he desperately wantsโneedsโanswers.ย
Thereโs no way that you know Mori is alive. You canโt, Dazai knows you. You werenโt faking the grief you felt. You think Mori is dead, which meansโฆ did someone in your inner circle betray you? The memory manipulatorโRepinโhe had to have played a part in the betrayal. Who else? Tolstoy? Dazai knows you trust Tolstoy with your life, and he also knows you gave Tolstoy a seat at the executive table. And Chuuya? Chuuya is the only one who retained any memories of Dazai. Does he also know about this?
Dazai has no desire to follow Mori, but if thereโs a rat in your inner circle working against youโฆ
He finds himself moving up the stairs before he can stop himself, dread pooling in his stomach. At the top of the stairs, the corridor splits into two. Mori had gone left, but Dazai hesitates, looking down it carefully before finally exhaling, feet dragging against the carpet as he makes his way to where Mori disappeared.
This is a bad idea, he thinks, swallowing thickly. The last time Dazai saw Mori, he was trying to convince you to kill him. For all he knows, heโs about to finish what you couldnโt, but heโs notโฆ scared. Not even nervous. He realizes that heโs angry.
Sure, heโs resentful because of everything that happened to him because of Mori, but his anger is new. Dazai is angry that Mori has been hiding out here for months, letting you grieve him, making you mourn him, leading you to believe that you killed him. That your fatherโs blood is on your hands. Sure, Dazai wasnโt innocent in everything that led up to the shit show that took place seven months agoโhe made dumb decisions, and those dumb decisions ended up backfiring on you, but it was Mori who betrayed you by kidnapping him and forcing you to choose.
When he enters the room at the end of the corridor, Mori is standing behind the desk, hands behind his desk and an amused expression on his face. Even standing in a rickety office, dressed in a casual button-up, without the long black coat and the burgundy scarf draped around his neck, he still looks ever the mafia boss he used to be. Dazai was confused and intimidated the last time he was on the opposite side of a desk from himโnot this time.
โYouโre thinking very hard, Shuji-kun,โ Mori says with a too-pleasant smile. โI can practically hear the gears grinding from here. How exhausting that must be for you.โ
That name again, Dazai thinks bitterly, biting his tongue to stop himself from snapping at Mori, which is clearly what the man wants from the way he watches Dazai expectantly. Not now, heโll just have to deal with the name, because he needs answers before anything else.
โYou let her think youโre dead,โ Dazai says flatly instead of rising to the bait. โSheโs a mess. Sheโs mourning you. She thinks she killed you. And you justโโ
To his credit, Mori does look ashamed for a moment. He looks away, inhaling deeply; he seems to be collecting his thoughts, a grimace spreading across his face before it smooths back out. He raises his eyebrows at Dazai mockingly, but his lips are too taut at the corners to fully embrace the haughtiness.ย
โShuji-kun,โ he says with faux-sympathy. โYou must know by now what this line of business is like. Youโโ
โNo,โ Dazai cuts him off immediately. โNo, you donโt get to say that. Have you even bothered to see what youโve done to her? Do you even careโโ
The words come out way more resentful than Dazai intends for them to.ย
Resentful, and maybe a little envious, because Mori gets to be mourned by you, whereas Dazai was just wiped from your memory, completely forgotten. How is any of this fair? The bastard that ruined everything gets to live after everything he did, he gets to be mourned, and Dazai is justโฆ heโs nothing.ย
โWatch yourself, Shuji-kun,โ Mori says, voice low and threatening, silencing Dazai, who doesnโt expect the abrupt change in demeanor from the collected man. โYou donโt know anything about my relationship with her. This was a necessary sacrifice. Anyway, I wouldnโt go throwing stones in glass houses. Donโt forget who it was that set the events of seven months ago in motion.โ
Dazai scoffs. โI didnโt set anything in motion,โ he says, raising his chin. โI had no idea who I was. You put everything in motion when you decided I was some sort of threat to the Mafia.โ
Mori gives Dazai yet another mocking smileโthis one pisses Dazai off more than the last, because itโs too complacent. Amused. Like heโs dealing with an unruly child, and itโs endearing watching him protest the way he is. The second time in less than twenty-four hours that someone has looked at him like this.
โShuji-kun, you were a threat to the Mafia whether you were aware of your identity or not,โ Mori hums, tilting his head to the side. โIโve been preparing her to take over after me for fifteen years, and the moment you came into the picture, she threw all of the lessons I taught her away. She hardly knew you for two weeks, and she started a war with one of the biggest Yakuza syndicates in Japan for you. She put everything we built at risk for a boy she barely knew. You have been a threat since the moment you met her.โ
Dazaiโs jaw tightens at the accusation. He says tightly, โI made her happy.โ
โYou did,โ Mori agrees to his surprise, โand it wouldโve gotten her killed.โ
โI do,โ Mori interrupts. โThe only things guaranteed in our line of work is death. One way or another, something would have happened to you, and it would have killed her. Just like it almost killed her four years ago when her partner died.โ
โJust like itโs killing her now?โ Dazai asks snidely, relishing in the way Mori falters. โAnyway, what right do you have to talk about him? You were the one who got him killed, werenโt you?โ
โIs that what she thinks?โ Mori asks after a moment, an odd expression on his face as he looks down at his desk. Dazaiโs brows furrow, scrutinizing Moriโs expression as he tries to figure out if the man is being genuine. โI had nothing to do with Itou Asahiโs death, but I made sure when it happened that we didnโt come out empty-handed.โ
The truth?
Dazai presses his lips together as he tries to comprehend the implications of what Mori said. Youโre certain that Mori played a hand in Itouโs death, going as far as to blame yourself for it because you were the one to tell Mori about Itouโs wishes for you. If Mori wasnโt involved, and youโre certain someone was, then who was it?
โNo? He didnโt distract her like I did?โ Dazai asks coolly. โYou didnโt think she would be better off if he were gone? Maybe cut a deal with the government to make it happen?โ
โLetโs make one thing clear,โ Mori replies, matching his tone. โIf I wanted Itou Asahi dead, she never would have been suspicious of my involvement.โ
Dazai wonders if thatโs meant to be some sort of threat, but he doesnโt budge, raising his chin when Mori levels a challenging stare at him. After what feels like an eternity, Mori lets out an exhausting sigh.
โI did not have anything to do with that boyโs death,โ he repeats. โHe wasโฆ stabilizing for her. I considered it, yes, but came to the realization that his death would do more harm than good.โ
Dazai rolls his eyes hard. โHow compassionate of you,โ he says, voice dripping with sarcasm.ย
Mori hums like he doesnโt catch the sarcasm. โElise is dear to me,โ he murmurs more to himself than to Dazai, โbut I raised that girl. Do you know how I found her, Shuji-kun?โย
Mori lifts his head to look at Dazai, an oddly serious expression on his face. Dazai suddenly feels unsure. He vaguely knows of your past with him. He knows Mori saved you during the Great War, pulled you out of a warzone when your village had been massacred, but he has a feeling heโs about to hear more than he bargained for.
โShe lived on the mainland, where the heart of the Great War was until Tokoyami Island appeared,โ Mori continues when Dazai doesnโt respond. โThere were seven different factions with encampments in the mountain range her village was in. The Japanese military was one of them.โ
โYour regiment,โ Dazai says.
โHow astute,โ Mori replies dryly. โIt was before I was promoted to head physician for the infantry corps. Her village went mostly under the radar; it was underneath the trees in a valley. They got lucky, but luck always runs out. The commander of my regiment was the first to see the smokeโwe went to check it out. We smelled the rot of corpses before we were even in sight of the village. They mustโve been dead for days before we got there.โ
Dazai swallows thickly, shoving his hands in his pockets as Mori looks down at something on his desk. He canโt see what it is from where heโs standing, but it looks like a picture frame.ย
โThe village was small compared to most, but youโd be surprised how many people five hundred is when all of the corpses are piled together before your eyes,โ Mori says quietly, frowning to himself. Dazai knew this muchโhe knew your village was massacred, but bile still rises in his throat. โDo you know where I found her?โย
โThe center,โ Dazai says after a few moments, recalling what you told him, voice too hoarse for his liking. He tries to subtly clear his throat, but he doesnโt think Mori even noticed.
โThe bottom,โ Mori corrects.
โWhat?โ he breathes out.
โThe bottom,โ Mori replies. โOur commander ordered us to bury all of the bodies instead of leaving them to rot without proper burial. He was more sentimental than mostโotherwise, they wouldโve just been burned. It took hours to get to the bottom of the pile, but we did. She was stuffed at the bottomโwasnโt moving, I could hardly tell she was breathing. I didnโt realize she was alive until she blinked when I tried to pick her up.โ
Dazai tries to imagine it. He tries to imagine you at the bottom of a pile of corpses. He tries to imagine what Mori had seen back then. You would have been so small. Seven years old, eight max. Small and brittle at the bottom of a mountain of corpses. He can almost see itโyour tiny frame wedged between broken limbs, crushed beneath bodies that had once been your neighbors, your friends, maybe even your family. Sheer luck is the only reason you survived; you should have suffocated, but maybe there was a small pocket of air. He tries to imagine the way the stench would have clogged your throat every time you tried to breatheโthe way the flies and maggots must have already started their work.
He doesnโt realize he gags until his hand flies to his mouth to hold back the bile that threatens to expel from his mouth.
โShe didnโt cry,โ Mori says softly. โDidnโt scream. Didnโt even flinch when I grabbed her and pulled her out of there. She didnโt speak for a month. Didnโt acknowledge anyoneโs presence for weeks. Our commander wanted me to send her back to Japanโโthe warfront was no place for a child,โ he said, but she never wouldโve survived on her own back in the real world, not after what happened to her. So I kept her with me. I carried her through the mountain ranges on my back. Had to spoon-feed her to force her to eat. She couldnโt sleep unless I was there with her. She couldnโt handle being in closed spaces or underneath the ground.โ
Dazaiโs fingers are shaking. Heโs glad he stuffed his hands in his pockets.ย
โMost children, they wail until their throats bleed when they have nightmares. She never made a sound, but I would be startled awake by the shaking. She trembled so badly that I thought she would rattle her bones apart,โ he murmurs to himself, shaking his head. โAll this to say, I have made very questionable decisions in my life, but I have never made one that I thought would harm her more than it would help. I donโt care for much, Shuji-kun. I wish to see Yokohama thrive, safe from foreign and domestic threats. I wish to see the Port Mafia on the top of the worldโs criminal underworld. And I wish to see herโฆโ
He trails off, brows furrowing as a contemplative expression crosses his face. For once, thereโs no sharpness to his voice. No calculated edge. He soundsโฆ tired, almost.
โAlive,โ he finally finishes, gaze fixed somewhere beyond Dazai. โI wish to see her alive. She functions much like a robot. She follows orders better than any soldier and will complete any task given to her no matter what the cost. But she doesnโt live. She doesnโt think for herself, no matter how much I try to push her in that direction. Iโve tried countless times to get her toโIโve tried guiding her in that direction, Iโve tried placing her in competition with other proteges of mine, Iโve threatened her, Iโve praised her, Iโve been gentle and harsh. Iโve tried so hard that she became resentful toward me for it, but nothing gets her out of the shell sheโs locked herself in. I let things go on between the two of you as long as I did, because I thought it might be the push she needed.โ
โWasnโt it?โ Dazai asks, throat tightening as he forces himself to speak. โI would say faking my death and the coup were โagainst your orders.โโ
โBut at what cost?โ Mori questions, tilting his head to the side. โI want her living, Shuji-kun, but not at the cost of her life. You were becoming more harm than help. You were putting her and the Port Mafia in danger. So you needed to be removed from the equation.โ
Dazaiโs eyes immediately narrow at the phrasing. Removed from the equationโthat could be another way of saying killed, but it was oddly vague. Too vague. Moriโs lips curl into a knowing smile, and a pit forms in Dazaiโs stomach.
โYou never expected her to kill me,โ he realizes quietly. โThis was all your plan from the beginning.โ
โDeath, erased, what really is the difference? Youโre out of the picture, arenโt you?โ Mori says with a too-easy smile. Rage eats at Dazaiโs heart, his bones, his soul, but he pushes it away. He still needs more answers. โEverything has gone exactly how I wanted it to.โ
โWhy?โ Dazai asks tightly. โWhy? How could this possibly help her more than it hurts? Have you seen her lately?โ
Mori hums, fingers thrumming against his desk as he tilts his head to the side as if considering his words. โWhat do you know about Leo Tolstoy?โ
There it is. Confirmation that Tolstoy is part of whatever this scheme is. Dazaiโs gaze sharpens onto Mori, who is still giving him an inquisitive look.
โHeโs one of her closest confidants,โ Dazai says dryly, โand maybe a traitor.โ
โPlease,โ Mori scoffs. โThat man would rather die than betray her.โ
โAnd yet, heโs plotting with you,โ Dazai accuses.
โMore help than harm,โ Mori sings like the answer is obvious, smiling mysteriously. โDo you know what Tolstoyโs ability is, Shuji-kun?โ
Dazai doesnโt like admitting not knowing things, so he just stays silent, which Mori rightfully takes as an answer.
โIt is called War and Peace. Itโs a type ofโฆ precognitive ability. Tolstoy can pick any conceptual desire, and his ability will provide him with the series of steps required to attain that desire. It gives him multiple paths, some more likely than others to turn out victorious,โ Mori explains.ย
Dazai frowns. โHow does that work? How does he ever lose anything then? How did the Three Deaths essentially become a branch of the Port Mafia?โ
โOriginally, I was going to send Chuuya-kun to Russia when the Three Deaths started gettingโฆ froggy at our borders. I thought our most powerful ability user would be enough to deter the Three Deaths from fighting back, but to my surprise, they continued militarizing even when we ensured intel reached them that Chuuya-kun would be the one to handle them. The ability gives Tolstoy paths to victory, but it doesnโt necessarily mean they will be successful in implementing those plans, whether they donโt have the strength, the means, or simply make a mistake.โ
โSo Chuuya went there and kicked their ass?โ Dazai asks dryly. โHow riveting.โ
โActually, no,โ Mori corrects with a smile. โOur lovely hime asked to be the one sent instead of Chuuya-kun. I was against the idea, but she insisted. Imagine my surprise when she arrived and Tolstoy immediately had his men stand down. Six paths to victory against Chuuya-kun turned to zero against her. Force might win battles, but persuasion wins wars. Chuuya-kun mightโve won in combat against the Three Deaths, but they would never stop fighting and undermining us. It was her who ensured that.โ
Dazai somehow isnโt surprised by that. He heard what you did to Professor Ui and how you handled Francis Fitzgerald. Dazai thinks that of all the abilities heโs seenโeven Chuuyaโs and Arahabakiโyours still has the potential for the most destruction. Because you canโt see the destruction yours causes, itโs the silent, invisible destroyer. You can toy with peopleโs emotions without them realizing it, weaving your intentions into theirs with the quiet ease of a shadow.
Itโs not like anything heโs ever witnessed before. With Chuuya, thereโs a clear form of attack. With Akutagawa and Atsushi, thereโs a clear form of attack. But youโฆ Itโs the subtletyโyou slip beneath the surface, like water carving through stone, changing everything in a way thatโs too quiet to track until itโs already too late. Itโs invisible and insidious; it doesnโt need brute force, it doesnโt even need presence. Just a few words and an emotion, and theyโre halfway to whatever you want them to be.
โWhat does that have to do with why you did this?โ Dazai asks, changing the subject. โWhy you faked your death?โย
Mori studies Dazai for a moment. โWho do you think the real enemy is, Shuji-kun?โย
โI have a feeling that youโre going to tell me,โ Dazai says dryly.
โHumor me,โ Mori replies easily. โI want to see how good your intuition is.โ
Irritated, Dazai wonders how exactly heโs supposed to know who the real enemy is when he has limited knowledge of the criminal underworld. It canโt be the government, thatโs too obvious an answer. Itโs not Fitzgerald, you played him like a fiddle. But then who? Youโve mentioned other organizations in passing, but who did you seem the most disturbed by?
Fitzgerald mentioned he had allies, referred to them as ratsโฆ
Rats, hm? That explains a lot, actually.
You looked beyond him, your expression was unreadable, but he could tell you were disconcerted by that knowledge. Is that it? The rats? But who were they?
โThe rats,โ he says quietly, and Moriโs eyes glitter with glee like heโs pleased with Dazaiโs answer.
โHis name is Fyodor Dostoevsky. His organization is called the House of the Dead, and its members are called rats,โ Mori explains, fingers laced in front of him. Dazai is startled by the name of the man who approached him last night. โHe isโฆ something unlike anything weโve ever faced before, and if weโre not careful, he wonโt just spell the end of the Port Mafia or Yokohama.โ
โWhat do you mean?โ Dazai asks quietly.
โI need to be able to understand his goals and what heโs capable of,โ Mori says instead of answering Dazaiโs question. โTo do that, I need to be able to go under the radar. Otherwise, heโll figure out what Iโm doing and ensure every lead I find is a dead end. He wonโt think of tracking a dead man.โ
Fyodor Dostoevsky. Dazai had a feeling that he wasnโt just any ordinary person last night The way Mori speaks about him, thoughโฆ Heโs not just a rival of the Port Mafia, heโs a threat of an entirely different magnitude, and that is anโฆ unsettling realization. This isnโt just another game of chess for Moriโitโs not power plays or manipulationโitโs about survival.
Dazai leans back on his heels, crossing his arms over his chest. His gaze narrows as he tries to grasp what Mori is saying. โSo you faked your death, made her suffer in grief and regret for seven months, to become invisible to Dostoevsky? To protect your moves from him?โย
Mori smiles faintly. โExactly. If he thinks Iโm dead, he wonโt be able to anticipate my actions. If he doesnโt know Iโm still active, I can move freely. But if he knows, Iโll be playing directly into his hands. Sheโฆ she had to think I was dead, otherwise he would never.โ
โWhat does he want?โ Dazai asks. โWhy is he such a threat?โ
Moriโs smile falters for a brief second before he collects himself. โThat, Shuji-kun, is what we have yet to figure out. Heโs not like any other enemy weโve faced. His goals areโฆ unclear, and he has his rats in every major organization in the world. Whatever his goals are, heโs been working at them for years, heโs patient. He operates in the shadows, pulling strings with a subtlety even our lovely hime struggles to match.โ
โAnd Tolstoy?โย
โHe understands the threat of Dostoevsky better than anyone. He and Repin agreed to help me fake my death so that we could perhaps get the upper hand on him. It was aโฆ trying conversation. He did not like the idea of going behind her back, but he knew this was necessary if he wanted us to stand a chance against that demon.โ
Dazai exhales heavily, an unsure expression crossing his face as he looks down at the floor. He knows where this is leadingโif you not knowing is necessary to maintain the illusion of Moriโs death, that means Mori needs to ensure Dazaiโs silence on the matter. But Dazai canโtโhe canโt lie to you about something like this.
Mori tilts his head to the side as if he knows exactly what Dazai is thinking, and Dazai stiffens.
โShe cannot know,โ Mori says, voicing his thoughts. โThe moment she knows Iโm alive, Dostoevsky will know.โ
Dazai shakes his head. โI canโt keep this from her,โ Dazai replies instantly. โNo. I canโtโโ
โYou canโt,โ Mori echoes, voice mocking. โYou canโt what? Lie to her? Donโt make me laugh, Shuji-kun, you and I both know youโre well adept at lying to her face.โ
Dazai tries not to let the shock show on his face, but he fails. He supposes that he shouldโve assumed that Mori knows about what Dazai has been up to for the past month. His jaw tightens before he says, โYou donโt know whatโโ
โI donโt know what Iโm talking about?โ Mori asks, amused. โI donโt know about your ties to the Armed Detective Agency? I donโt know that the Armed Detective Agency cut a deal with the government to try to knock the Port Mafia down a peg? I donโt know that theyโre using you to get the information by getting close to her?โ
Dazai doesnโt respond, throat spasming as he lifts his chin, swallowing thickly.ย
โYouโll find that I know many things, Shuji-kun. Being dead has its perks. But as much as I find it quite ironic that youโve stooped to doing exactly what I accused you of, there are more important matters at hand that we need to worry about,โ Mori says, leaning forward a little. โSuch asโฆ What exactly do you plan to do with the information you got last night?โ
Nothing, Dazai thinks with a frown. He hasnโt done anything with the information. Itโs sitting back in his apartment. He spent all night staring at it after returning to his apartment. He threw up three times while considering bringing it to the Agency in the morning, and then, in typical Dazai fashion, he decided to be avoidant instead. So he chose to go to the address he found instead to stall the decision he inevitably has to makeโmore specifically, stall telling the Agency that he โdidnโt find anythingโ after they were all counting on him to pull through.
โI havenโt done anything with it,โ Dazai says after a moment, looking down. โIโm not going to. I justโI canโtโฆ I canโt do that.โ
โHm,โ Mori says, an odd expression on his face as he scrutinizes Dazai. He doesnโt lookโฆ pleased by Dazaiโs words. Did he want Dazai to give the information over? But why? Just to be proven right? Or was it something else? โThe Hunting Dogs cannot come to Yokohama.โ
Dazai doesnโt physically react to that, but he does feel a bit unsure, biting his tongue as he waits for Mori to elaborate. When Mori realizes that Dazai has no inclination to respond, he lets out a heavy breath.
โBesides the fact that a conflict with the government would beโฆ inopportune right now,โ Mori says with a tight smile, โshe has aโฆ personal grudge against them. She will be reckless trying to get revenge if they end up coming here. We must avoid that at all costs.โ
Dazaiโs brows furrow. โWhy does she have a personal grudge against them?โย
โThe Hunting Dogs killed Itou Asahi.โ
Dazaiโs lips part to speak, but no words leave them. He blinks once, then twice, and looks down at the ground. Shit, Dazai thinks, glad that his hands are still in his pockets because his nails bite into his palms when he realizes what Mori is expecting of him. But Dazai canโt. He canโt cross that line. He canโt.
โIโm not going to hand over the transactions to the Agency,โ Dazai says, shaking his head. When irritation flashes through Moriโs eyes, Dazai raises his chin. โIโm not. For all I know, you want me to hand it over because you want something to hold over my head so I canโt tell her that youโre alive. I donโt trust you, and Iโm not doing anything you want me to.โ
Mori sighs dramatically, turning his back to Dazai momentarily. โShuji-kun, I thought you were smarter than this,โ he murmurs. โQuite frankly, I donโt give a damn about your relationship with her. My concern is keeping her alive, and if you cared about her at all, it would be yours to.โ
โAnd crippling the Port Mafia is going to going to keep her alive?โ Dazai demands, stepping forward. โWe donโt even know if handing this information over to the government will stop the Hunting Dogs from coming here. Dostoevsky wanted me to do it too, shouldnโt we maybe not play into his hands?โ
โA necessary sacrifice,โ Mori says, looking over his shoulder at Dazai briefly. โConcessions must be made for the Port Mafiaโs survival. She did well expanding its reach over the past seven months, it gives us leverage we can use now against the government. Give up something we never originally had, and we can appease them. Appeasement buys time. Time buys survival. Even just a few days can turn the tides of war.โ
Dazai exhales slowly, shaking his head as he looks away. โSo you want me to do the dirty work? You want me to be the one to betray her, and you can keep your hands clean?โ
Mori gives him a wry smile. โMy survival is a betrayal to her,โ he says quietly. โRegardless, Shuji-kun, I want you to answer this honestly: do you love her?โย
โOf course, I love her,โ Dazai says immediately with a scoff. โIโโ
โThen you are going to do what it takes to give her the best chance at coming out of this conflict intact. Even if it means betraying her,โ Mori says coldly, and Dazai looks away. โI do not know if giving up Walter Lippmannโs office will be enough to completely deter the Hunting Dogs from coming to Yokohama, but it will buy us time, and time is the one thing we are all desperately running out of. Dostoevsky will make his first move as soon as the Hunting Dogs arrive in the city. We need to understand what his motives are and what heโs capable of before that.โ
โYouโve had seven months to figure this out,โ Dazai says tightly. โHow much could you possibly figure out in however many weeks or days this might buy?โ
โAs I said, youโd be surprised how quickly the tides could turn in even just a few extra hours,โ Mori murmurs.
Dazai feels sick as he looks away. โI donโtโโ
โIn exchange for your cooperation and silence regarding my survival, I will direct you to Tolstoy and Repin,โ Mori interrupts, an oddlyโฆ expectant expression on his face as he levels his gaze back onto Dazai. This is some sort of test, and Dazaiโs stomach sinks at the realization. โThe painting that contains her memories of you will be destroyed. She will remember you.โ
All of the breath whooshes from Dazaiโs lungs as he stares at Mori. The paintingโthe whole reason why he agreed to do all of this. He wanted to get his hands on the painting, and now, itโs being handed to him on a silver platter. All for the slim price of betrayal.ย
Is it worth it?
Is betraying you worth ensuring you remember him? Will you forgive him? Will you hate him? Will you let him come home? Dazai isnโt sure, but he is sure that he canโt keep doing this. The past monthโฆ itโs been nice, but itโs also been lies, and he cannot keep living a fucking lie. Not with you. He gets so bitter, so angry, so depressed, he canโt keep doing it. So even if you hate him or cast him out, he needs you to have your memories of him back.
One more betrayal in exchange for finally being able to stop the lies.ย
But would it really stop the lies? Or would it just start a whole round of new ones? The painting in exchange for his silenceโhow the fuck is he supposed to keep Moriโs survival from you? How is he supposed to look you in the eye and pretend that the father youโre mourning, the father you thought you killed, is dead when he knows very well that heโs alive?
Dazai thinks thatโs an issue for future Dazai to handle. Mori can go fuck himself for all Dazai caresโas soon as Dazai gets what he wants, all bets are off.ย
But first, Dazai needs to get what he wants. He needs the painting.ย
โOkay,โ Dazai finally says, but the word tastes like ash on his tongue. โOkay. This week. I want the painting this week.โ
โAfter the transactions are handed to the government,โ Mori agrees, purple eyes sharp and calculating. โThen, I will ensure you get your painting.โ
โDeal,โ Dazai says quietly. โIโll do it.โ
Mori lets out a huff of laughter that makes Dazaiโs skin crawl.
โI underestimated you, Shuji-kun,โ Mori murmurs, amused. โIโm eager to continue our partnership.โ
As if, Dazai thinks.
โDazai,โ he finally corrects, voice hard. โMy name is Dazai.โ
Moriโs lips curl up into a too-pleased smile. To Dazaiโs surprise, Mori inclines his head and echoes, โDazai-kun.โ
For some reason, it makes the pit in Dazaiโs stomach grow even more.ย
---------
Your phone has been off for an hour, and you havenโt spoken a word to Albatross since you got in the car with him. Heโs angry, you can tell from the way his knuckles are white around the wheel, but he has yet to broach the elephant in the room. Car. Whatever. But you know itโs only a matter of time, and since youโre reaching your destination, that โmatter of timeโ is any second now.ย
โYou canโt run away from this,โ Albatross finally says, voice tight, still staring ahead. He canโt even bring himself to look at you, and thatโs how you know heโs much angrier than heโs letting on. โYou hear me, you cannot run away from this.โ
โIโm not running away from anything,โ you reply coolly, gaze sliding away from him so that you can look out the window.ย
โNo?โ Albatross asks dryly. โYou got your phone off and youโre making me drive you out to the countrysideโโ
โBeachside,โ you correct absently.
โSame shit,โ Albatross snaps. From the corner of your eye, you see his head snap to the side to look at you. โYouโre fucking running when everything is on fire. Lippmannโs on the chopping block, he needsโโ
โThe last thing he needs is for me to come running to his rescue,โ you say sharply, gaze cutting to the side to look at him. โDo you want me to give weight to accusations, Albatross? I understand your brain is hardwired for the moreโฆ hands-on aspects of the Mafia, but surely even you must realize there is nothing we can do about this right now without pulling the trigger on the gun pressed against the back of his head.โ
โYouโre running,โ Albatross repeats, louder this time. โYou did this when the Guild showed up, too. You ran to the beach houseโโ
You slam your hands against the dash of his car, finally losing your temper. You just want some peace, but clearly thatโs too much to ask. The past two days have been a shit showโLippmann is getting torn up by the media and the Ministry of Justice is knocking on his office door every hour of the day. Heโs facing threats of removal from the governor of the Kanagawa Prefecture, and you know the charges will be on his desk any day now. Heโs stubborn, so heโll fight, and he might winโheโll probably winโbut when he does, conflict with the Hunting Dogs will be imminent, and you need to know what youโre going to do because you canโt be scrambling when theyโre on your doorstep.
But you canโt fucking think when Klaus, Chuuya, Iceman, Doc, Piano Man, Akutagawa, Atsushi, Hirotsu, Kouyou, everyone is coming and demanding to know what the plan is. You donโt know what the goddamn plan is and no one is giving you the space to think.ย
โIโm not fucking running,โ you say again, voice rising. You donโt usually yell, and you suppose thatโs why Albatross goes quiet. โI am not running, Albatross. I need to go somewhere I can think without people barging into my office every five seconds. Is that fucking alright with you? If Lippmann is thrown out of office, itโs only a goddamn matter of time before the Hunting Dogs come down on usโโ
โWhat are you talking about?โ Albatross demands. โEveryoneโs saying that the only upside of the potential removal is that maybe now the government will back off. Iโโ
โThe government will, but the Hunting Dogs wonโt,โ you say, shaking your head. โEven if Lippmann loses at his hearing and heโs actually removed, which I donโt think he will, the Hunting Dogs will come anyway. I know it.โ
โHow?โ Albatross asks quietly. โWhat makes you think that?โ
You exhale as you lean back in your seat, tired. โThe Hunting Dogs are in Dostoevskyโs pocket,โ you tell him. โI donโt know if itโs Fukuchi Ouchi himself or one of the other members, but I know that a member of the Hunting Dogs is his informant, and I know that heโs waiting on them to make their move on Yokohama so that he can make his. They will come here, Albatross, and we need to be ready, I need to beโโ
You cut yourself off abruptly, looking away. The Hunting Dogs are the only ones in Japanโs top military units you donโt actively try to embed yourself in. All of the others, youโve made a point of getting close to at events or inviting to dinners, because itโs good to have friends in high places in all parts of the governmentโyou never know what might come in handy. But not the fucking Hunting Dogs.
Your throat tightens as you take a deep breath, hands smoothing out against the fabric of your slacks. Your lashes flutter shut, you see a flash of metal, a splatter of blood. Thereโs somethingโsomeoneโheavy in your arms, and now you canโt open your eyes because youโre scared who you might find laying in them. Dying in them.
Youโre not ready to face them again. Not yet.
โHey,โ Albatross says softly. He reaches out to grab your wrist gently, dragging you out of your thoughts. You let out a shaky sigh as you look at him again. โIf the Hunting Dogs come to Yokohama, weโre gonna fuckinโ bury โem, alright? For Itou. For you.โ
โThey wonโt be like anyone weโve ever gone up against,โ you tell him quietly, gaze drifting to the window again. โWeโll have to be careful. Even if they do come here against government orders, theyโre still backed by the government, and if we engage them in open combatโฆโ
โHey, look at me,โ Albatross says, squeezing your wrist. You sigh as you look at him again. โWe will handle them when they get here. Donโt you worry your pretty little head about those fuckinโ mutts. You worry about how the fuck the government got their hands on our bank statements. Weโve got a leak, doll, and we need to plug it before things start going down.โ
โYeah,โ you reply, voice soft. โI know. I will.โ
Maybe you are being avoidant, because you donโt even want to think about how exactly the government got their hands on your bank statements. You know how the government got their hands on them, but you donโt want to broach that subject. Once you doโฆ
You shake your head again as you look out the window. Youโre on the long, windy road to Itouโs beach house now. You need a night, maybe two, here to clear your head, and then youโll head back to the city. Then youโll be ready. Thenโ
โStop the car.โ
Albatross skids to a stop so suddenly that you wouldโve gone flying forward had his arm not shot out to hold you steady. He gives you an alarmed look, reaching for his gun instinctively, but your gaze is trained out to the beach, where a too familiar figure stands looking out at the sea.ย
Fuck.
What the fuck is he doing here of all places?ย
โThe fuck?โ Albatross mutters, pulling out his gun. โIsnโt that the kid you brought to the event Friday night?โ
โMhm,โ you say quietly, a lump forming in your throat as you stare out at him.ย
You didnโt want to have to confront this yet, but what fucking choice do you have now? If this isnโt proof that all of this has been set up from the beginningโฆ Youโd known from the beginning that it was. You knew it in your heart, it was all too convenient and all too sudden, but you wanted to pretend.ย
How does he even know about this place? Itou has kept it so far off the gridโonly you, Chuuya, and Albatross should know about it. Does that mean itโs compromised? Does whoever Dazai works for know about this place? Is Dazai even his name?
โI knew it was him, but I still went looking for him at the cafe the last three mornings,โ you say quietly. His back is still to the car, you wonder if he knows itโs there, if heโs waiting for you. You feel Albatross looking at you but your gaze remains trained on Dazai. โI still brought him up to my office. Left him alone in there. Let him leave knowing he took something.โ
Albatross takes in a deep breath. โHeโs the leak,โ he realizes.
โYeah,โ you whisper. โAnd isnโt it so weird that I know this and am still reluctant to kill him?โ
So weird, you think bitterly. So fucking weird. Youโve never had trouble pulling the trigger before. You pulled the trigger on Moriโthe man who rescued you, the man who treated you like his own daughterโand yet this boy makes you hesitate. Youโve hardly known him for a month.
โDo you love him?โ Albatross asks quietly.
โNo,โ you say, ignoring the tight feeling in your chest, โbut I think maybe I could have with more time.โ
โYou donโt have to kill him,โ Albatross says, voice soft. โSend him away. Tell him not to come back to Yokohama.โ
โHeโs the reason Lippmann might be facing time in prison,โ you remind him.
โLippmann will be fine,โ Albatross disagrees, โand you know damn well heโd never want you to torture yourself by doing this again.โ
โGive me your gun, Albatross,โ you say instead. โWhile Iโm out there, I need you to get in contact with Iceman. I have aโฆ piece of leverage up in Kyoto that I can use against the Hunting Dogs. I need him to go get it for me. Heโll know what Iโm talking about.โ
His expression twists in disappointment, but he nods and places the gun in your hand. You donโt say anything else as you step out of the car and shut the door behind you. The bay breeze is cool against your skin and the rising sun sets a pretty glow over the bay, but all you feel is dread building in your stomach and the heavy weight of Albatrossโs gun in your hand. Your feet drag against the sand as you make your way over to Dazaiโs familiar figure in the near distance.ย
He doesnโt turn to look at you, and he must know youโre approaching by now, but you donโt come to stand next to him. Instead, you stop behind him. You donโt know what to say or how you should go about handling thisโa part of you wonders if you should skip the pleasantries and press Albatrossโs gun to the back of his head, but the larger part of you aches to give him one last chance even though you know you shouldnโt.ย
You hate that your heart is still clinging to him when you know what heโs done, and you hate that logic isnโt enough to overpower the traitorous thing in your chest. You slide the gun into your pocket very bitterly, and then say quietly, โI was waiting for you at the cafe the last three mornings. You didnโt come.โ
Dazai doesnโt respondโyou didnโt really expect him to, but you still hoped that he would.
โKissing me the way you did and then running out on me was pretty heartless, you know?โ you try again. Though you try to keep your voice light, you know it comes out strained, too close to pleading. Youโre begging him to give you something to work with, something you can hide behind so you donโt have to confront the truth. โAnd then to not even show up at our cafe the next morning? So rude.โ
Our. You didnโt mean to say that, you hope he didnโt notice, but you think he did from the way his shoulders tense and how he finally decides to speak.
โYou kissed me,โ Dazai finally says, voice too rough for comfort. You know in your heart how this conversation is about to turn, and you still canโt brace yourself for it.ย
โYou kissed me back,โ you remind petulantly, stalling for as long as you canโthe weight of the gun in your pocket is too heavy, and you canโt even bring yourself to touch it. Your fingers graze the metal and it burns you.
What is wrong with you? Why are you so reluctant to kill someone who betrayed you? What is going on? Youโre almost convinced that itโs some sort of abilityโone like Lippmannโs, maybe, that prevents people from acting on their desire to kill him.
โWhat are you doing?โ Dazai whispers, turning to look at you for the first time. His eyes are rimmed red, expression confused. โWhy are you acting like this?โ
You donโt reply for a moment, swallowing thickly as you look down at the sand. You donโt know how to answerโyou donโt know why youโre acting like this. You walked out of the car with every intention of pulling the trigger, and now you canโt even bring yourself to touch the gun. Youโre back to looking for excuses, back to trying to hide from the truth.ย
Why?
Youโve never acted like this before, not when youโve been slapped in the face with betrayal, stabbed in the back and then had the knife twisted. You can be avoidant sometimes, yeah, but never to the point of letting yourself look like a fool. Never like how youโve been acting the past month with Dazai Osamu.
Why?
โWhy?โ you demand, voice breaking over the word. Your hand finally wraps around the grip of the gun, but you donโt pull it out. โI donโt know, Dazai, why donโt you tell me why?โ
Dazai draws back, an uncertain expression crossing his face. โWhat?โ he breathes out. โWhat do you mean?โ
Not uncertain. Confused, but fearful. Hopeful.ย
Who is he?
You start to get more antsyโmore nervous. You donโt understand whatโs going on, and a part of you is scared of understanding whatโs going on. All of the thoughts you repressed over the past month of getting to know him resurfaceโall of the times you paused mid-laugh because the conversation felt too familiar, all of the times he would smile at you and you would swear youโd seen that smile before, all of the strange images that flashed in your head when you were too tired or too drunk.
โTell me why, Dazai,โ you demand. โTell me who you are. Tell me why youโre so familiar. Why was Chuuya against me getting to know you? Have we met before? Who are you?โ
Dazai doesnโt respond. He stares at you like he doesnโt know what to doโlike he doesnโt know if he should respond. He doesnโt speak for too long, and you swallow thickly before pulling the gun out of your pocket. You donโt point it at him, but you donโt need to. His gaze drifts down to it, but you pause when he looks almostโฆ nostalgic at the sight of it.
โWould youโฆ believe me if I told you this wasnโt the first time you pulled a gun out on me?โ he asks quietly, amused.
โWhat?โ you breathe out, blinking twice as his words process, but you did hear him correctly. โWhat? What do you mean? Who are you?โย
His expression crumbles again. He looks away.
โWhy wonโt you tell me?โ you ask, voice rising in a terrible combination of fear and anger. โAnswer the damn question. Who are you?โ
โYou wonโt believe me,โ he whispers, shaking his head. โThereโs no point.โ
โTell me anyway,โ you say tightly. โI need to know.โ
Dazai stares at you, conflicted, and youโre on the verge of demanding answers again, but you can feel a lump swelling in your throat, and youโre afraid that if you try to speak now, you might choke over a sob. Not now. Not in front of someone who could be an enemy.ย
โIโฆwas someone you loved,โ he finally replies, voice so faintโlike heโs scared to speak the words out loud. โI wasโamโsomeone who loves you. We loved each other. A lot.โ
You donโt reply. You stare at Dazai carefully, scrutinizing him, trying to figure out if heโs lying. He doesnโtโฆ seem to beโhis gaze stays pinned on yours, he doesnโt shift nervously, thereโs no twitching in his face. Heโs either telling the truth or believes that he is, butโฆ can you believe it?
You swallow thickly, trying to get rid of that lump in your throat so you can say something, but it only gets bigger. The longer you stay silent, the more uncertain Dazai becomes. He only starts shifting on his feet when a minute passes, and you still say nothing.
You remember the first time you met himโhe was so familiar and you couldnโt place how. You convinced yourself it was from the back of the book you read, but you knew in your heart that the answer wasnโt so simple. You knew there was a reason Chuuya didnโt want you to get close to him, you knew it was strange how quickly you were so endeared by him, and you especially knew that something was wrong with the way you were so quick to avert your eyes from all of the red flags.ย
Nothing had made senseโwas this what Repin had taken away from you?ย
No. It couldnโt be. You refuse to believe it.
Because if you believed it, you would have to believe that someone you lovedโsomeone who claimed to love youโused you, manipulated you to get information to hand over to the government. Someone who claimed to love you betrayed you, and you just canโtโyou canโt deal with that. Not right now.ย
Itโs only when you start to shake your head in disagreement that Dazai speaks again. His voice is raggedโcut open, exposed, it feels like a knife to the gut, hearing the pain in his words: โYou remember. You have to remember. You remember, donโt you?โ
You shake your head again, taking a step back. โYouโre lying.โ
His expression shatters. โNo,โ he breathes out, fingers tugging at his hair as he squeezes his eyes shut for a brief second. โNo. Please, if you donโt remember on your own, then Iโyou have to remember something. Anything. You took me to get the suit I wore to the event the other day. Youโyou came to see me at the hospital instead of going to an executive meeting. You brought me here youโโ
โEnough,โ you breathe out. โEnough, I donโtโโ
โYou do,โ he snaps angrily. No, not angryโdesperate. โYou do, you just canโt reach it. You need to reach itโโ his voice cracks, and suddenly heโs the one shaking. โYou were so scared to get close to me. You tried to push me away so much, but I was just so stubborn. IโI blackmailed you into taking me on dates, but it wasnโt really blackmail because you couldโve gotten the leverage any time, but you just wanted the excuseโโ
โStop,โ you say. It sounds like you. It sounds like something you would do. It makes most of your actions over the past month make sense. It scares you. When you try to step away, he grabs your wrist. You want to pull away, but youโre frozen, your world is lopsided, and your hand is still on the gun, but youโve forgotten why. โIโve changed my mind. I donโt care for the truth.โ
โIโm not a stranger to you. I was never a stranger. You know that, youโve always known it, thatโs why I was so familiar to you. Thatโs why you kept seeking me out,โ he whispers, frantic now, begging you to understand. You donโt want to understandโnot anymore. โYou went to war with the Inagawa-kai for me. You almost died trying to save me from Arahabaki. You took over the Port Mafia and wiped everyoneโs memories of me to protect me from Mori. Youโโ
โEnough,โ you yell at him. โShut up!โ
Dazai draws back like heโs been slapped, his fingers fall from your wrist. You feel cold suddenly without his touch, but you take another step back. He looks sick as he stares at you silently, waiting for you to continueโtoo real of a reaction to be faked. But it canโt be real. Because if it isโฆ
โYouโre lying,โ you say, grateful that your voice is steadier than you are. Dazaiโs lips part in disbelief. You can see heโs on the verge of protest, so you force yourself to continue before he can. โYouโre lying because if you loved me, you wouldnโt have used me to get close to me. You wouldnโt have lied to my face for weeks. You wouldnโt have stolen documents from my office to hand over to the government so they could fuck me over. I wouldnโt have killed my father for someone who was going to betray me in a few months.โ
โItโs not what you think,โ he says, voice breaking over the word. The expression on his face makes your chest tighten painfullyโyou can hardly even bear to look at it. โItโs notโI do love you. I love you so much it makes me sick. I never stopped loving you. Not once. Not when you decided to wipe your memories of me, and not when you looked me in the eye and asked me what my name was. I love you.โ
โJust stop it,โ you say quietly, looking away. You put the gun away instead of pulling the trigger. โGo.โ
Dazai looks like heโs about to cry. โIโโ
โGo,โ you repeat before he can finish what heโs about to say. You turn away from him, not sure if itโs because you canโt handle the look on his face or if itโs because you donโt want him to see the expression on yours. โDonโt ever show your face to me again, because the next time I see you, Iโll pull the trigger.โ
----------
Dazai doesnโt even really remember how he got to Port Mafia headquarters. He called someone to pick him up from the road near the beach houseโYosano, maybe, or Kunikida? Heโs not sure which one he called, both of them came. He walked far enough down the road to make sure they didnโt see the beach house or have any inkling that he was at a safe house of yours. Dazai has done enough damageโthe last thing he needed to do was take away one of the few places you have left that remind you of Itou. He knows youโll never come back if you think itโs compromised.ย
The last thing he really remembers is Yosano and Kunikida dropping him off at his apartment. They both offered to stick around, but he told them he wanted to be alone and thenโฆ
โDazai, are you listening?โย
Dazai is startled out of his thoughts by the blonde man standing in the elevator with himโthe infamous Leo Tolstoy heโs heard so much about from you. One of your most trusted confidants, and also, evidently, a traitor who is working behind your back with Mori.
Like Dazai.
Dazai shoves that thought to the back of his head instantly. Not like Dazai. Dazai isnโt a traitorโheโs not, heโs doing this for you. And youโll understand once you remember everything, and then he can try approaching you again. It was a mistake to do it at the beach. He hadnโt even meant to run into you there; he justโฆ wanted to go to the last place where things had been okay between the two of you. Before everything went to shit.ย
He had no idea you would go there too, especially not with everything going down in Yokohama. Heโd been careful not to go to the beach house the last seven months because he didnโt want to arouse any suspicionโheโs sure that you have cameras somewhere on the property, but heโs been aching to come back to this place. The first place you opened up to him, the first place you told him that you loved him, the first place he actually felt like he was worth something to someone.ย
He needed to come here to remind himself that everything heโs done is just a means to an end. A way of getting you back. He didnโt betray you because he wanted to betray you, he didnโt give up those documents to hurt youโheโs doing all of this because he loves you, because he wants to do what he can to protect you, because he wants you back. Fuck, he just wants you back. Thatโs all he wants.
And he thought, maybe, he could get you back when you started demanding to know who he was, when you asked him why he was so familiar. He thoughtโmaybeโthat he wouldnโt have to take Mori up on his deal, that he could do this on his own and not even need to go looking for the painting, but youโ
โDazai,โ Tolstoy says again, drawing him from his thoughts once more. โIt would be great if you could listen.โ
โI would listen if you were saying something important,โ Dazai says instantly, voice dry. The blonde instantly gives Dazai a flinty look, and Dazai realizes that maybe he shouldnโt be antagonizing an ex-mob boss who is trying to help him, but heโs just not in the mood for needless conversation. โCan you just take me to the painting?โ
Tolstoy lets out a heavy sigh, shaking his head. โMy cousin is an asshole,โ he finally says. โDonโt take anything he says to heart.โ
Dazai rolls his eyes, not even deigning the comment with a response. He tilts his head back against the side of the elevator, eyes sliding shut as it lifts the countless floors of the tall black building. This was the building you used to live inโevidently now housing the former members of the Three Deaths. He wants to know what happened to your penthouse. If someone else is living up there and everything between the two of you has been destroyed.
It probably has, he thinks bitterlyโhe left too much stuff at your place to risk you going up there and seeing it. He bets the first thing Chuuya did in the aftermath of the memory wipe was rid your apartment of his existence.ย
He detests the man even more.
โWhy did you do it?โ Dazai asks quietly, not looking at the man standing next to him. โShe trusts you a lot, yโknow. She spoke highly of you. Do you think sheโll forgive you when she finds out?โย
Itโs not meant to be a dig, but it comes out as one from how Tolstoy inhales sharply. Itโs mostly to gauge how your executives are seeing you and your mental stateโhe knows that you put up a front for him. As much as heโs confident in his ability to see through it, he knows that his limited encounters with you mean that he doesnโt see all of whatโs going on behind the scenes, so he canโt know just how bad youโre doing.
Dazai swallows thickly, lashes fluttering as he looks at the ground. He doesnโt know how youโll react when you remember everything. He wants to believe that maybe youโll come looking for him, that maybe things will be okay again, butโฆ but heโs not stupid. He saw how you reacted to him trying to explain everything to you. You believed him, he knows you believed him, but you didnโt want to.
You didnโt want to because you couldnโt bring yourself to believe that someone who claims to love you would betray you the way Dazai has. He always has been the cause of his own undoing, hasnโt he?
He can feel Tolstoy looking at him, and heโs pretty sure the man is about to say something thatโs going to annoy him, so Dazai instead says abruptly, โMori said that you were initially planning to fight Chuuya.โ He pauses and then adds, โBut then backed down when she showed up. Why?โ
Tolstoy doesnโt reply right away. The elevator hums beneath them, climbing floor after floor. Dazai doesnโt pressโhe watches as Tolstoyโs expression shifts as he figures out how he wants to answer the question.
Finally, Tolstoy exhales through his nose. โThere are powers more dangerous than destructive ones,โ he says slowly. โNakahara Chuuyaโs ability can level cities. Hersโฆ twists people. It warps reason, intention, things you canโt fight with fists or strategy. Things you donโt even know are being influenced by someone else. Itโs not something you can defend against or prepare for.โ
โSo it scared you,โ Dazai says bluntly. โI thought her ability was a secret. How did youโโ
โI didnโt,โ Tolstoy cuts him off before he can finish his next question. โI didnโt know about it. Not at the time, at least, but I saw how my ability was reacting to her. There were six viable paths to victory against Nakahara Chuuya. Not high-probability outcomes, mind youโmost of them had maybe a two to three percent success rate on a good day. But they were paths. Ways out. Reasons to hope. The fight was never meant to be the final battle, just a necessary detour. There were plans for what came next. Ways to resist the Port Mafia, undermine it, take it down.โ
โBut not when she showed up,โ Dazai says, and Tolstoy nods.
โNot when she showed up,โ he confirmed quietly. โAll the variables collapsed. All of the paths splintered into dead ends. We could win, we could kill her way more easily than we wouldโve been able to kill Nakahara, but what came afterโฆ Well, letโs just say death wouldโve been too kind. She was already so entrenched in the worldโs criminal underworldโthe Family, the Southโs Song, the Pale Flameโฆ If we killed her, one or all wouldโve come down on us in retaliation.โ
โSo you decided to bend the knee to the Port Mafia,โ Dazai realizes, โbut why not just bide your time?โย
โThat was the original plan,โ Tolstoy admits wryly, โbut it didnโt work out that way.โ
โWhy not?โ
Tolstoy grins suddenly, and Dazai casts him a curious expression. The man leans in like heโs going to tell Dazai a secret, โโCause once that girl has her claws in, youโre done. I couldnโt lift a hand against her if I wanted to. You know how people used to say that you could bite through your own finger as easily as a carrot, but your brain stops you from doing that much damage to your body.โ
Dazai doesnโt think thatโs necessarily true, but he frowns as he understands the implications of what heโs saying. โYouโre saying sheโs messed with your brain to the point that you literally couldnโt hurt her if you wanted to?โ
Tolstoy lifts his hands in mock surrender. โI donโt know if thatโs what it is,โ he says honestly. โFrom what I know of her ability, I assume so, but it could also just be all me. Thatโs the problem with abilities like hers: you never know when theyโre in effect and when theyโre not. Never know if a thought or intention is yours or someone elseโs. Regardless, she treats us well, so if you want my opinionโit doesnโt matter if itโs her ability or just me. I wouldnโt want to lift a hand against her. Sheโs a good friend of mine. She takes care of her peopleโyou donโt see much of that in the underworld nowadays. I know if something happened to me, she wouldnโt jump ship like most in this world do, sheโd fight for me. So quite frankly, I donโt give a damn what she thinks she needs to do to assure her own safety. Weโll never be in a situation where we have to find out if itโs her ability or my own will that stops me from wanting to turn against her.โ
โExcept you are in that situation,โ Dazai says dryly as the elevator finally reaches the floor Tolstoy is bringing him to. โYou betrayed her to work with Mori. Now with me too.โ
Tolstoy shakes his head. โI did what I thought was best for her,โ he disagrees quietly. โI wouldnโt say itโs betrayalโnot in a way that implicates disloyalty to her, at least in terms of my perspective of it. But I knew how she would see it. I knew how this decision might end for me when I made itโtreachery has only one punishment in our world.โ
โDeath,โ Dazai murmurs more to himself than to Tolstoy. โSo what? If she decides that you betrayed her, youโre just going to let herโโ
โYes,โ Tolstoy interrupts before Dazai can even finish his question. โYeah. I knew what I was doing when I made my decision, even if I do believe itโs in her best interestsโI knew what the consequences would be.โ
Dazai swallows thickly. โYou canโt let her do that,โ he says quietly. โYou canโt let her think this is a betrayal. You have to explain to her, youโโ
โI shouldnโt have to explain to you of all people that she acts quite quickly and efficiently when it comes to dealing with betrayal,โ Tolstoy says dryly. โYou were at the meeting where Ace was killed, werenโt you?โ
Dazai looks away. He was there for the aftermath of itโhis body was still warm on the executiveโs round table when Mori beckoned Dazai to come into the meeting room. Stillโฆ
โShe wonโt be able to come to terms with itโwith killing someone she considers a friend,โ Dazai insists firmly. โYou canโt let it come to that.โ
โWell, I donโt exactly intend for it to, but itโs always a possibility,โ Tolstoy replies dryly, leading Dazai into an apartment on one of the upper floors of the building. โRemember what I said about not taking anything he says seriously.โ
Dazai side-eyes Tolstoy briefly before looking around the apartment. Itโs deceptively simpleโthereโs no gaudy ornamentation or exorbitant decor on the tabletops or walls. Dazai might even go so far as to say itโs rather homely. There are a few paintings displayedโlandscapes of what Dazai assumes is the Russian countryside and maybe the Italian coastline?โbut none of them seem to be anything that might be storing your memories of him. He supposes that makes sense, theyโd probably be hidden somewhere in case you came looking for Repin for some reason.
Though, the thought of you seeking out Repin in his apartment does make Dazaiโs stomach churn uncomfortably. He remembers Dostoevskyโs comment tooโabout how heโs an old friend of yours, how he spent two years with you, how he plans to see you soon. Dazai makes himself sick at the thought, so he speaks up to try to distract himself.
โWhere is the painting?โ he asks impatiently. He wants to get out of here. He wants to get this painting and go find you. Heโs been out of it since the conversation on the beachโhow it ended, your reaction to him trying to tell you the truth. He wonโt be settled until everything is okay again.
If everything is okay again.
โBe patient,โ Tolstoy says flatly.
โIโve been patient for seven months,โ Dazai replies through grit teeth. โDo you know what itโs like to be erased from the lives of everyone you know?โ
Tolstoy doesnโt even look at him leading him down a short hall to a back room. โI was under the impression you were only wiped from her and the executivesโ memories. And anyone you met through them.โ
Dazaiโs throat tightens. โYeah,โ he agrees tightly. โI didnโt have anyone else.โ
Tolstoy pauses in motion to open the door, as if digesting Dazaiโs words. โI see,โ he says mostly to himself, voice quiet. He looks back at Dazai after a moment, blue eyes carding over him before he says, โWell, I guess I understand thenโIโm sorry that all of this came at such a high price to you. Letโs go get my cousin.โ
Dazai doesnโt respond. Heโs not sure that he can. The words hit something hollow in his chestโa gaping, lonely wound heโs been ignoring too long. He doesnโt want Tolstoyโs understanding. He wants yours. He wants things to go back, to rewind, to snap into place like they were before all of this started. He wants to matter to you again. He wants you to love him again. And now he doesnโt even know if you getting your memories back will be enough, because he mightโve ruined everything this past month.
Tolstoy finally turns the knob and pushes the door open.ย
The room is darker than he expectedโthe blinds are drawn tight, only a candle lighting the far wall where thereโs some quick movement that Dazai canโt make out. Tolstoy scoffs and turns on the light, and Dazaiโs eyes narrow in on the man standing on the opposite side of the room.
โMust you always lurk in the darkness, Ilya?โ Tolstoy complains, stepping to the side to lean against the wall as he frowns at his cousin. โItโs strange. You should stop.โ
A man who must be Tolstoyโs cousin, Repin, sneers. โMust you always disturb me when Iโm trying to paint? Itโs irritating. You should stop.โ
Tolstoy rolls his eyes, but before he can retort, Repinโs gaze focuses on Dazai, who immediately stiffens. He didnโt think heโd ever meet the ability user who stole all of the memories of him, and heโs not sure what he was expecting, but it definitely wasnโtโฆ this. The man isnโt much older than him; he has deceptively soft features, paint smeared on his cheek. Itโs only when he seems to realize who Dazai is that something malicious crosses his face.
โWow, Iโve been dying to meet you,โ Repin purrs, lips curling into an unkind smile. โYouโre muchโฆ plainer than I expected.โ
Dazaiโs jaw tightens as he stares at the Russian, a sharp retort ready to fly off his tongue, but before he can let it loose, Tolstoy intervenes.
โIlya, please,โ Tolstoy says, voice strained. โLetโs just get this over with so we can get the cameras wiped before anyone realizes heโs hereโor do you want Nakahara to catch us with him?โย
โDonโt tell me you werenโt thinking it too,โ Repin says instead, tossing a fleeting smile over at Tolstoy, but his gaze remains on Dazai, nose scrunching judgmentally. โHeโs soโฆ I mean, I saw him in peopleโs memories, but I was still expecting something moreโฆ exciting. Heโs not her usual typeโI mean, look at him compared to Dostoevsky or Jia Baoyu or that Italian she played around with for a few months. Itโs almost hard to believe that heโs the one she did all of this for, and Iโm the one who witnessed all the memories when taking them.โ
Dazai definitely does not need to hear about how heโs so clearly not your usual type and how heโs so much plainer than the people you usually seek out, especially after you outright rejected him when he tried to explain everything to you. And yes, he knows that you didnโt reject him because you didnโt want himโyou rejected him because you couldnโt cope with the idea of someone who claims to love you betraying you (which is a bit worse, he thinks balefully)โand he knows that you fell for him not once, but twice (even if the second time was kind of cheating), but still, all those old insecurities that resurfaced night of the first event return with a vengeance.ย
Naturally, he masks it with arrogance, raising his eyebrows at Repin, a mocking smile that he knows doesnโt reach his eyes curling at his lips. โSounds to me like youโre jealous. Hm? She reject you?โ
Repin scoffs, the judgmental look fading into a more irritated oneโDazaiโs smile becomes a bit more genuine, and a bit more sharper, when he realizes that he was right on the nose.
Can relate, actually, but Repin doesnโt need to know that.ย
โYโknow, it took her days to come to me when you were captured by the Guild, โ Repin says after a moment. Dazai stiffens, but the manโs condescending tone was replaced with a more curious one. โI doubted she cared about you as much as she claimed to. I told her that right to her face.โ
โYeah?โ Dazai asks. โWhatโd she say to that?โ
โShe threatened to have my tongue removed,โ Repin replies, sounding oddly amused by the memory of it, โand then my hands.โ
The smile that rises to his lips is softer this time as his gaze drifts down to the ground. He misses youโhe misses you so badly that his chest physically aches, he doesnโt think he feels whole without you anymore. He just wants things to be as they were, and he knows they never will be, butโฆ they canโt be like this. That conversation at the beach canโt be his last with you.
โI thought with you out of the picture, Iโd finally be able to get into her bed,โ Repin says too crudely. Tolstoy clicks his tongue sharply a few feet away, casting the man a sharp look, and Dazaiโs teeth grind together in irritation. Repin continues more quietly, โI tried. Usually, when I store someoneโs memories in a painting, theyโre still subconsciously there, but only triggered by certain things. A specific place, a specific food, a specific faceโฆ I donโt think her subconscious memories of you ever really disappeared.โ
Dazaiโs throat spasms as he swallows, the crushing guilt that has been weighing on him for the past few weeks intensifies with more confirmation that you have subconsciously remembered him. He wonders how relieved you felt when you finally met him that night at the barโyou probably didnโt recognize it in the moment, but he knows itโs why you turned a blind eye to all of his red flags. Itโs why you continued seeking him out. Itโs why you gave him another chance on the beach even knowing what he did. Itโs why your heart believed him, and itโs why your brain couldnโt let you.ย
The piece of you that had been missing, the answers youโd been seeking, you found them that night at the bar, and Dazai took advantage of it.ย
โDid she subconsciously remember me or did she just really not want to sleep with you?โ Dazai scoffs defensively. โMaybe youโre just looking for excuses to explain why she rejected youโever think she just doesnโt want you.โ
โShe didnโt reject me,โ Repin hisses indignantly. โShe didnโtโshe justโI underestimated her ability to romanticize garbage, I guess.โ
Dazai doesnโt rise to this one. It hits too close to home, because he is garbage, isnโt he? Heโs garbage for taking advantage of you, for using you, for betraying you. He wonders if maybe your brain refused to let you believe he was telling the truth not because you couldnโt come to terms with the fact that someone who claimed to love you could betray you like this, but rather, because you were afraid that if you remembered, you might forgive him. Maybe thatโs what scares you the most. Maybe you really donโt want anything to do with him.
Dazai starts to spiral, but Tolstoy, thankfully, seems to have had enough of his cousinโs antics.
โIlya,โ he repeats, voice sharp and low. โEnough. This isnโt the time.โ
Repin mutters something under his breath in Russian, then turns on his heel, stomping across the room to a door. Tolstoy nods for Dazai to follow, and he lets out a heavy sigh before doing so. The door leads to a wide room with paintings set up all over the walls and resting on the floorโthereโs far too many to count. Dazai swallows thickly, wondering just how many memories Repin has stolen since heโs gotten to Yokohama.
โMy cousin has taken many memories before. When he does, he feels them himself during the in-between period before he gets them into a painting,โ Tolstoy murmurs as Repin scratches the back of his head, looking around the roof, seemingly trying to figure out where your painting is. โNone have affected him the way hers of you did. I had never seen him like that before.โ
โWhat do you mean?โ Dazai asks, swallowing thickly.ย
Tolstoy gives Dazai a small, sad smile. โShe loves you very, very deeply, Dazai.โ
Dazaiโs grateful for the loud, โAha,โ Repin lets out so he can turn his face away from Tolstoy to hide the way his eyes go misty. He tries to focus on the other man as he makes his way over to where three paintings are resting atop each other on the ground propped up against the wall. The painting is smallโsmaller than he expected, unassuming in size and on an unframed canvas, but everything else about it is unmistakable.
Itโs a portrait. A portrait of him. Not just of himโhe recognizes the background, the moment. Itโs from the day he ran into you near the ports so many months ago. He looks different. Dazai has never liked his own reflection. He looks ghoulishโhis eyes are too dark and his skin is too pale, his features are sunken and uncanny. Heโs never considered himself handsome, though he likes to put on a front of being godโs gift to the world.
But in thisโthrough your eyesโฆ Dazai swallows thickly as Repin passes the painting over to him. The sun is setting behind his head in the painting, casting a golden glow over him; thereโs a soft smile curling at his lips and his eyes are rich golden color instead of the black heโs grown accustomed to in the mirror. He looksโฆ good. He looksโฆ
โ... the sun hit you just right. You looked so pretty beneath it that I was almost tongue-tied. If we hadnโt been interrupted, I wouldโve made a fool out of myself.โ
Dazai almost wants to cry as your words from the beach house echo through his head. His throat tightens terribly, his knuckles are white around the canvasโhe misses you, he wants you back so desperately.ย
โWhere are the others?โ he asks, grateful that his voice is steadier than he feels. He forces himself to look up from the canvas to focus his gaze on Repin and Tolstoy. โHer subordinates and the other executives. I want those too.โ
Repin and Tolstoy share a long look with each other and Dazaiโs jaw tightens, ready to argue with them, but after what feels like an eternity, Repin lets out an exasperated sigh before returning to looking for the rest of the paintings. Dazaiโs gaze drifts back over to where the Russian had grabbed his painting, swallowing thickly when he realizes that one of the other two there must be the one that implanted your fake memories of Moriโs death. Itโs the one in frontโDazai canโt see the one behind itโyouโre on your knees in the painting, and the older man is dead in your armsโa bullet to the head. Heโs not close enough to be able to make out the expression on your face, but he can tell that youโre wailing, hunched over his body, probably screaming.ย
โI wouldnโt have killed my father for someone who was going to betray me in a few months.โ
Dazai can hardly look at it for more than a few moments without feeling nauseous. This is what you think happened seven months ago. This is what heโs going to have to lie to you about. No, he doesnโt have toโhe can tell you the truth, but at what cost?
Heโs been trying to figure out what he should do since he spoke to Mori that day. He knows that once he burns this painting, he could theoretically do whatever he wanted. He could run to you and he could tell you the truth. He could tell you Mori is alive and the painting that Repin used to implant the fake memories is here.ย
But is Mori right? Will Dostoevsky know as soon as you know? Is that something he can risk? Is that something you would want to risk?ย
He doesnโt know, and the uncertainty has been killing him.ย
Repin makes his way over to Dazai, but Tolstoy intercepts. He watches with a frown as the two of them speak quietly in rapid-fire Russian before Repin rolls his eyes and removes several paintings from the pile he was bringing over. Dazaiโs eyes narrow instantly, but before he has the chance to interrogate them, Tolstoy speaks up:
โOnly the executives, the Flags, and her subordinates,โ he says. โEveryone else is unnecessary. The less people that know about you, the better.โ
Dazai doesnโt reply, reaching out to take the small pile of paintings. He has to shuffle them around to hold them comfortably, and he pauses when he sees the one on the top. It must be Klausโsโitโs from that same day at the ports, but itโs an angle from above. He hadnโt even noticed the boy up there that day, too absorbed in the sight of you in the sunset.
From the rooftop, Klaus had a clear view of you, and Dazai swallows thickly when he sees the expression on your face. Itโs soft, adoring almostโis that really the way youโve been looking at him since the beginning? And he was having meltdowns thinking that you didnโt actually like him and he was forcing you to indulge him?
โAlright, leave now,โ Repin says, physically shooing him out of the room. โI was on such a roll with my painting, and now youโve ruined the ambience. If I canโt back into it, Iโm making it your problem, Leo.โ
โWhatever, Ilya,โ Tolstoy says dryly, following Dazai out of the room. โAlright, letโs get you out of here before Nakahara shows up.โ
Dazai immediately is looking around. He knows that he sawโฆ there. He quickly makes his way over to the fire place on the opposite side of the room. He tosses some of the paintings immediatelyโhe doesnโt like looking at the ones that he assumes are the Flagsโ. He can tell theyโre from that night with the battle against Lovecraft where you almost died, and Dazai can hardly bear to look at them, because he remembers your body crumpled on the ground, the hole in your abdomen, and he doesnโt want to remember that. He pauses for a second before throwing Klausโs in there with it, fingers tracing your expression, trying to commit to memory, and then he stares at the only one left.ย
Yours.
โWe really donโt have time for this,โ Tolstoy says with a tight smile. โToss it so we can go.โ
โYouโre that scared of the slug,โ Dazai scoffs, swallowing the lump in his throat as he struggles to toss your painting into the fire with the rest. Itโs what heโs wanted for so longโhe wants your memories back, he wants you back, but now that itโs within reach, heโs scared.ย
Will this be enough to get you back?
Will you regain your memories and come looking for him? Or has he ruined everything?
Dazai doesnโt knowโthereโs too much he doesnโt know, and he hates not knowing things. Your words from the beach ring through his ears again. The way you refused to believe him even though you knew in your heart he was telling the truth. The hurt expression on your face. The way that even after everything, you still tried to give him another chance. Would you understand when you regain your memories? Or would it make his betrayal hurt even more?
โDazai,โ Tolstoy insists when he doesnโt immediately toss the painting. โWe have to go.โ
Dazai tosses the painting in with the rest before he can think himself out of it. The canvas catches slowly, edges slowly curling as the fire licks at the paint like itโs savoring each flake of color. For a moment, the portrait fights back. The glow of the setting sun, the softness in his eyes, his smileโit stays preserved. It doesnโt last. The image slowly starts to warp as the fire eats away at it, and Dazai looks away as his face becomes as eerie and uncanny as he imagines it to be.
โLetโs get going,โ Tolstoy says, nudging his shoulder. โDonโt be worried if you donโt hear from her immediately. The memories donโt come back all at onceโitโll take a few hours, maybe a bit longer for her to understand them.โ
Dazai nods mutely, but still doesnโt immediately turn to follow him. Your memories will return by morning. Dazai should feel lighterโhe finally achieved what he started all of this for. Youโll remember now. Youโll remember him. Everything.
Instead, dread coils in his stomach like a snake.
He wonders where you are right now. Whether your hands have started to tremble. Whether youโve dropped something you didnโt know you were holding. Whether his name has just risen to your lips. Whether the pain in your chest has returned, suddenly, violently. Whether youโre crying and donโt know why.
He wonders if youโll hate him.
He thinks that you will.
When Dazai follows Tolstoy out of Repinโs place, heโs half out of itโhe had to shove his hands in his pockets to hide the way his fingers were suddenly shaking. Tolstoy opens the door and turns to say something to Dazai, but freezes when he realizes who is standing on the opposite side of it.ย
Nakahara Chuuya stares at Dazai like heโs seeing a ghost. The look of someone realizing that the nightmare theyโd been dreading has just come true. Dazai stares at the mafioso blanklyโhe wants to make a snide comment, maybe insult him a little bit, but his tongue is heavy in his mouth and his lips feel numb.
โWhat the fuck have you done?โ Chuuya asks quietly.
Dazaiโs throat spasms as he swallows. โI donโt know.โ
----------
Dostoevsky wipes away a tear that you donโt even realize is rolling over your cheek. His thumb is cool against your skinโhis touch has always been oddly cold, but never more than right nowโstill, you donโt pull away the way you usually would. You lift your hand to grab his wrist, fingers brushing the jagged scar youโve become quite familiar with over the past few months. He raises his eyebrows slightly in surprise, taking advantage of the fact that you donโt shift away from his touch to let his thumb slide down your cheek to absently trace your lips.
His thumb rests on your bottom lip, heavy like a weight. He doesnโt question why youโre suddenly cryingโhe knows you well enough to realize that you probably donโt know why. But youโre grateful for it anyway, because you think if you tried to speak right now, youโd hardly get the words out over the lump thatโs suddenly swollen in your throat.
What is going on?
โWhy did you call me here so suddenly?โ he hums, voice low and deceivingly soft.
You donโt answer his question right away. Instead, you stand very still, one hand pressed against your chest, where something inside you has shifted, tilted. Not enough to break, but enough to destabilize. Like the center of your world has warped by a few degrees and everything familiar is now just slightly off-center.ย
Dangerous, considering your current company.ย
You give Dostoevsky a long look. โDid youโฆ do something to me?โ
As soon as the question slips from your lips, you know that it isnโt him.ย
โNo,โ he says simply. โNot me.โ
You know who it was then. Warm brown eyes, bandaged arms, a soft smile. You taste ash in your mouth. Your lashes flutter as vague images flash behind your eyesโyou canโt make any of them out, but you can feel them. You can feel the way your chest swells with fear, with anger, with distress, with love. You desperately try to push them away again, not ready for this.ย
Shit.
You wanted so badly to believe he was lying at the beach. You knew in your heart he wasnโt, but it just wasnโt something you had time to come to terms with considering everything going on right now. Youโd known you made a mistake as soon as you demanded the truth from him, but it had been too late.
โWhy did you ask me to come here?โ he asks again, hand cradling the side of your face as he looks down at you through his lashes. His touch suddenly feels wrong, but you canโt bring yourself to pull away.
Because you needed a distraction. Ever since you left him at the beach, your mind has been a dangerous, dangerous place. Echoes of a past that is so familiar and unfamiliar at the same time keep circulating through your headโa hospital bed, Itouโs beach house, a side street near the ports. Each time one of these memories flashes through your head, it becomes clearer and clearer, threatening to consume you. Itโs only a matter of time that whatever these memories areโwhatever this lost past of yours isโthey become your new reality.
And you donโt want it.
Youโre not ready for it.
Not now, maybe not ever.ย
You donโt want what Dazai told you to be true. You donโt want to remember this. If you really did love him as much as he claims you did, then you wonโt be able to handle his betrayal. All of the times you tried to hound Chuuya for answers, all of the moments where you reached desperately for the truth thatโs been eluding you for monthsโnow that itโs within grasp, youโre frantically pushing it away before it can destroy you.ย
Because it will destroy you. It will destroy you knowing that you killed Mori for someone who lied to you for weeks, took advantage of your lost memories to get close to you, all for information to hand over to the government. You killed Mori for someone who betrayed you within a year. You killed the closest thing youโve ever had to a father for a love that died as quickly as it flourished.
โMaybe I wanted to see you,โ you whisper, lips curving up into a playful smile that doesnโt quite reach your eyes.
โDangerous,โ he repeats what he said the last time you gave him this explanation, a teasing curve to his lips as he looks down at you. โAnd untrue.โย
โMaybe I just want to be distracted tonight,โ you amend, this time more truthfully as you tilt your head to the side into his touch, eyes imploring as you look up at him. โIndulge me?โ
Dostoevskyโs throat bobs as he looks down at you. He doesnโt respond right away, fingers tensing against your skin. Then, he steps backโaway from you, his hand falls from your face. You exhale to prepare yourself for rejection, but before you can, his hand slides down to your waist to pull your body closer to his.
He sits down on the chair behind him, and he pulls you down with him. Your breath catches when you find yourself straddling his lap, his hands resting on your hips, lithe fingers tracing patterns over the thin fabric of your dress. He tilts his head back to look up at you, black hair framing his face, violet eyes glittering, darker than they usually are.
When one of his hands slides up your body to cradle the side of your neck, fingers absently toying with your hair, you swear you can feel familiar rough bandages against your skin. You swallow thickly, looking down at Dostoevskyโfor a moment, his eyes are a familiar soft brown instead of the sharp violet youโve become accustomed to, but it passes too quickly.ย
Man, this is a LONG post,,, but I saw pieces of the newest chapter for bsd and.... ugghhhgg
Never has yaoi been so doomed in my life.. amyways, this what my thought process was like before going on a tangent of redrawing frames from both the anime and a little manga:
Sonic fans will tell you the Shadow the Hedgehog (2005) theme song is one of the coolest things ever made and then when you listen to it the lyrics are going "Here we go buddy here we go buddy here we go, here we go buddy here we go"
You can't leave out the fact that those lines are noticeably more silly, simple, and up-beat than the rest of the song...aND PLAY OVER THE ONLY SCENE IN THE INTRO WHERE SONIC IS CENTRED
Which implies that these lyrics reflect Shadow's perception of Sonic's attitude and vibes, Shadow takes a moment out of his brooding intro theme to go "uhHHh I'M FUCKIN SONIC DUHHH, HERE WE GO BUDDY!!!! HERE WE GO!!!! ๐คช๐คช๐คช"
why must the guard dog characters unquestioning devotion to their master be born from trust or some shit cant they be manipulated into it. raised into it. brainwashed even
due to an influx of requests for campaign boosting, i've decided to compile all the fundraisers i've been sent (all vetted/unique images) into a single post. this post will be constantly updated and will remain in my pinned post for easy access. please, wherever you can, donate, boost, and share. don't stop talking about palestine ๐ต๐ธ๐ต๐ธ๐ต๐ธ
if you are an owner of a campaign and you would like it here, please dm/inbox me and i will add it asap!!
link to el-shab-hussein's vetted fundraisers list for more!
Donate to Help Zaen and Yehya to get out of Gaza, organized by Fahed Shhabe - @mohammedshehab333 / @hyamshehab
https://gofund.me/9a4408e3
Donate to Help Mohammed's Family From Gaza Rebuild Their Lives, organized by Mohammed Abu Swierh - @mohammedswierh2
https://gofund.me/509e0d14
Donate to Help my Uncel's family , BE THE CHANGE, organized by Roba Ayyad - @yasermohammad
Donate to Bone Grafting Operation for Muhammad & House Reconstruction, organized by Haruka Aoki - @mohammed-atallah / @mohammedatallahsblog / @atalah-mohammed / @mohammedatallah
Donate to Help my kids to evacuate Gaza to Egypt, I need surgery there, organized by kawthar jad - @hadiah1 / @hadiah1111
https://www.gofundme.com/f/take-out-my-family-from-gaza-strip
https://www.paypal.me/kawtharjad
Donate to Help Nour and her Family Achieve a Better Future, organised by Marleen Tipu - @noor678
https://www.gofundme.com/f/save-nour-and-her-family-from-war-help-them-escape
Save Ibrahim family - @farahalhabil
https://gofund.me/0b5f4a60
Your donation today, new hope tomorrow - Emergency support - @shadowyavenuetaco
https://gofund.me/ba5b76e9
Urgent aid ! Help to fight starvation for an extended family - @mahmoudayyad
https://gofund.me/fe3cd6dc
Hamdi Ali Ayyad - @joyfultidalwaveobject https://gofund.me/4de94fec
Help me build a new life for my family and get out of Gaza - @zainsami
https://gofund.me/107a8322
Donate to Help Mahmoud and his family escape Gaza & continue education, organized by Renee Hassert - @mahmoidsy https://gofund.me/463cbf01
Help my family survive the war on Gaza by fleeing to safety - @ehabayyad23
https://gofund.me/5fa6ca44