Well, Godās grace is good, even when we donāt always feel like it is. The last few years I have been on a roller coaster with the game of basketball and life. So many trials throughout these three years, I felt lost and didnāt feel like God was the answer and didnāt know where to go. I lost God. I have been keeping a private blog these past few years and I decided to come open a little about my story. I was at a point in my life where depression hit me so hard. I cried every night and when I was by myself throughout the day or by myself in the locker room I would cry and have bad thoughts and didnāt understand why. I didnāt love myself.. I was craving attention from others because I thought it would help, but it only made things worse. I was so lost without God. I was going through multiple heart aches at the time that i couldnāt get over. And it was constant sadness over and over again. I faked happiness too much and lost it when I got back to my room at night. It has been very hard, but through all the hardship, I have learned so much and it has made me the woman I am today.
I am beginning to truly understand what it means to be ripped apart by God, and for God. Many of you would think ābut isnāt God loving?! Why would He do those things to you I He called you to do it?ā And my answer is this; I donāt know why, but I know He is good.
Good, what an odd thing to call a God who rips our hearts apart, who wrecks our lives and leaves it to be built up again. Yet, He is.
God is so good, because when we are torn down by Him, He begins something eternal within us.
In our desperation, God turns us into something holy; as long as we continue to be willingly used by Him. Gold is refined in fire, so our souls begin to shine when we are engulfed in the majesty of Christ. The fire burns, but it also soothes, it frightens, yet calms. Jesus calls us to carry our cross, and we need to remember that the weight of His glory is one that cannot be taken alone; He is always faithful to help us.
These past three years has been me crying out to Jesus to help me carry this cross, even if the weight means āfailureā because at this point, my college basketball career to me hasnāt been what Iāve wanted it to be. Even though I played three years of college basketball and I feel like I have not accomplished my personal goals with the game I love, God will still be glorified, He will still be praised; because He is God.
My soul does not rest in the circumstances around me, it rests in Christ alone. That is why I can face all this ādefeatā with joy, and not just a drizzle amount of joy, but an abundance of joy.
I am still alive, and my trials have not be one that many of the people in the world suffer, but it has been one where my expectations were shattered. Where my wants were no longer mine to have; but Christās to take. He is doing something in this, and when we trust and love Him; we find ourselves overjoyed in the heartbreak.
So, that is my long update. I am heartbroken, but not broken. I am drained, but not empty. I am low, but not alone. For Christ has been speaking a new world within my heart, one where I can see His heart so clearly.
Whatever problems you may be experiencing, I hope that you see the beauty of a God who chooses you to reveal Himself in the most vivid way. In pain, praise Him. In happiness, praise Him. In life, praise Him. In all things, praise Him.
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