& cassius !

and i'm not breaking, i won't take it / and i won't ever feel this way again 'cause you don't need me anymore / and i won't ever try again / and all i want in return is revenge / 'cause i don't need you anymore / so where do you go? ilana martin-king. nineteen. second year. fine arts. imperium member. written by jessie.

[ilanamk]

– ILANA SOUNDS STRONG. that sort of take-no-bullshit personality, perhaps there’d be something to be admired there – if, you know, she dressed a little better. but octavia notices the way her hands shake slightly, the way she’s jumped, leaving a splattering mess of paint on the floor. NO – ilana martin-king is not perfect after all, and octavia notices. when she was alive, she used to point out imperfections ( a side effect of rigorous dance lessons – when all your own flaws are constantly pointed out, you start to notice the ones in others too, to make yourself feel better ) and in death, she notices even more. a privilege or a result of profound boredom ?

“ fine, i’m not here, ” octavia shrugs her shoulders, sitting perched at the end of the desk. “ think what you want. at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter to me what you believe in. ” hell, she’d give anything to not be here.

“ but wouldn’t it bother you if some rich asshole got away with it ? that they got to graduate into the arms of a multi-trillion dollar corporation, stacking up dead bodies behind them? sure, hateme or whatever… but the next girl ? she might be just like you. ”

octavia doesn’t give a fuck about the next girl.

– FOR A MOMENT, SHE CLOSES HER EYES. in her perfect world, she wouldn’t be having painting blocks and wondering when the next thing was going to go wrong and she most definitely wouldn’t be talking to ghosts. she opens her eyes and octavia is still there. for fuck’s sake. “you’re a manifestation of my imagination,” ilana says, determinedly ignoring the other girl’s insistence that it didn’t really matter. “i’m literally so tired my mind is too tired to fight this off.”

with a sudden wave of frustration, ilana slams her paintbrush and palette into the sink, turning on the sink with ferocity. she can hear octavia still talking, but she refuses to look at her, and instead rips off some paper towels to stoop back down to clean the mess on the floor. eventually, she says, still not looking up, “not my concern. and if it was -- look, i don’t why you’re here. what you expect me to do. this isn’t any of my business.”

she’s a clever girl, octavia is, ilana will give her that. playing on her anger.

[ilanamk]

“jesus, i still can’t believe you’ve seen so few. i don’t know why i let myself be seen with you.” he’s obviously teasing, but christian’s smile cracks the tiniest bit after the words slip out — it’s no secret that ilana doesn’t exactly come from the same world as him, or as most of ashcroft’s wealthy, privileged student body. it’s possible (maybe even likely) that she’s met people whowouldn’t want to be seen with her, and christian wonders if he should clarify that he would. that is, not in the sense of being with her, he doesn’t mean like that, just that he doesn’t care that she isn’t wealthy and…

…yeah, better to just not open his mouth again.

“right, let’s start it then, shall we?” christian sets his laptop on the coffee table in front of them, noticing a glare on the screen and reaching over to extinguish the floor lamp nearby, enveloping the common area in a pleasant blue darkness.

“i’m a blemish on your clean-cut record, truly,” she snickers, not realising how far ironic the truth really is. but she means what she says; christian is probably one of the nicest boys she’s ever met, unexpectedly endeared by his earnest naivety. she can’t really imagine him with anything but a perfect track record, and she wonders absentmindedly if that’s the way people see it too: she’s not particularly well liked, would people like roman and tess think she’s corrupting christian, the way they believe she does to kit?

( well. they’re not entirely wrong, she supposes, if her intentions were to be counted. )

without further ado, she turns her attention to the laptop on the table, the only light in the deep blue dark around them. yet, only a few scenes in, she finds herself watching him out of the corner of her eye, interested in his own enjoyment at the movie. at a particular serious part, she’ finds her head turning out of her own accord to study his profile.

[ilanamk]

he can’t quite place the voice until he sees her, stepping out into view, looking out of place just enough for wolfie to notice it, but not enough for him to care. admittedly — he’d never taken much time to get to know ilana, even when she had been inducted into the society. he’d never taken on many of the welcome wagon duties. unlike his sister, he wasn’t the type to befriend anybody and everybody — as much as he enjoyed the attention and devotion of others, he was content to surround himself with his own circle of friends that he knew and trusted. but now things had fallen apart, and the people he’d known and the people he’d trusted were no longer mutually exclusive, and there was something all too appealing about befriending the outsider, because she, for one, didn’t really know him. and perhaps, for a moment at the very least, he could let his guard down.

“and you as well,” he counters, and though it’s not quite unusual to find the other members of imperium in oberon’s office, there’s something quite puzzling about this. “i don’t know why i was hoping he’d be here,” he admits, shoulders slumped. “can i help you find something? i know those book shelves like the back of my hand.”

“oh, me too,” ilana says quickly, latching onto his admittance for her own gain. she’s kicking herself a little at her inability to come up with a better excuse -- on a good day, she could twist things around for her favour, but she’s coming up with only blanks. “thought oberon would be here. or -- hoped, anyway. it doesn’t feel quite right that it’s empty, does it? everything’s a bit mad right now, with oberon going and losing his shit. i guess the guilt of losing a student really got to him.”

she’s rambling a little more than she would normally speak, hoping it’ll be distract him from her poor excuse of snooping around, but stops rather abruptly when she realises it’s his sister that she’s speaking so flippantly about. “uh, sorry,” she adds awkwardly, and doesn’t really know how sincere it comes across. “i just -- anyway. no, i was just, uh. browsing.”

[ilanamk]

They don’t get regular visitors. Wolfie maybe, but never Roman and Kit, their company reaching their limits only at each other, hungrily soaking up each moment of comfortable silence passed, stretched out across each others spaces, books in hand, occasionally splintering the quiet to share a particularly noteworthy line or thought. The knock at the door was usually in the form of Tess, to see Roman but really there to sneak a glance at Kit. Confusion rippled Roman’s face as he untangled himself from his spot on his armchair to open the door only to find Ilana of all people. A frown finds his lips almost at an instant.

“Insightful, Ilana. What gave me away?” Roman retorts, leaning against the doorframe, arms already crossed defensively, as if she were going to shove past him and look for Kit herself. “Must not have been that important to him,” a smirk lacing his mouth, almost hoping Kit had done it on purpose, but almost positive it had been an error. “What? D’you think I have him hiding under my bed or something?” he recoils slightly to glance over his shoulder. “Why are you spending so much time with him anyway? Haven’t you made him miserable enough as it is?”

“Ooh, who pissed in your shoes today?” she snaps back, eyebrows raised. Let it be noted that Ilana Martin-King was a quiet girl, but never a pushover. Never someone to pick on, lest she snarls back, tooth and nail. People didn’t like her for her disagreeable nature -- it’s something she’s tried to work on since she was a little girl, enchanted by her mama’s kindness, but the attitude is engraved somewhere deep. When someone was awful back to her, she couldn’t bite her tongue and let them. 

“Dickhead is a dreadful colour on you, Roman, lighten up.” At his tone, Ilana straightens herself up, giving up on her attempt to look past him. She doubts he would let her in anyway, harbouring that much negativity towards her. His next words cause her to scowl, eyes narrowed, but she doesn’t let it make her retreat. Instead, she juts a chin out at the confrontation. “Funnily enough, people spend time with their friends. Why you’re accusing me of making him miserable is beyond me.”

[ilanamk]

of course it was some fucking money thing, it always was with these scholarship kids, expecting the worst of those who were more well-off than them just because they didn’t have as much money. total bullshit if you asked valentine, she treated everyone, even the…less fortunate the same way. her patience was running out. between losing her grip on her boyfriend and losing her grip on reality, this was just not something she had the time or capacity to care about. she was about to walk away when she turned back around. “well, for the record, i don’t want to sit with not because you’re poor, but because you’ve got a bad attitude and a vendetta against me for things out of my control.”

right, okay. 

“out of your control?” ilana repeats, a second too late in realising that she’s too loud and not caring about it anyway. nineteen years of resentment bleeds into her voice, mingled with pure bewilderment at the other girl’s nerve. is she being unfair? letting her own personal problems with valentine blur some lines? maybe. probably. ilana doesn’t care. “look at your life. all these riches and you do what with it? it’s easy for you to talk about things out of your control, but how many times, really, have you stopped to consider the things that are out of our control? we don’t have a nice bank account to fix it here -- when bad things happen, we have to just let it.” 

when she takes a breath, it’s only then ilana realises she’s spoken too much, let her anger best her. fucking valentine. this isn’t the time, nor place, for any of it and she can see a few people at the closest tables glance over in interest. regretting her outburst, she refuses to look at her; she can’t take it back either, not when she’s right. in a lower tone, she says, “right, didn’t have much sleep last night, i’m afraid.”

[ilanamk]

rooiboos, chamomile, herbal

rooiboos: 3 facts about my family

i only have three younger siblings !! it goes me (20) and then my sister (18) and then my brother (11) and then my youngest sister (9)

my mother is an immigrant from hong kong ! but when she was rlly rlly young so i’m a cross between first/second generation chinese here in the uk

one of my many cousins is married to a rlly famous actress in hong kong but i can’t flex it enough bc my friends aren’t chinese rip

chamomile: comfort movie?

love rosie ofc ofc but also pride and prejudice (2005) ! and i have watched someone great a LOT when im in a sad mood and wanna cry some more. and i am a sucker for cringey 2000 films to cheer me up

herbal: post a selfie

i have a Bad Tendency to use filters in selfies so dfklghdfug

[ilanamk]

bubble tea, ginger, green tea

bubble tea: what ride would you pick at an amusement park?

ok i’m scared of heights skjfghkfg so like. the baby stuff probably i haven’t been to a theme park in Years

ginger: favourite colour(s)?

already answered !

green tea: where do you feel most at peace?

home !!! and specifically. my bed i love lying in bed so fucking much dfghk also this is weird but like. the warner bros harry potter studios gives me a weird sense of peace every time i go

[ilanamk]

earl gray / darjeeling / ginger

earl grey: how do you take your tea?

i don’t drink english tea ! so only chinese herbal tea for babyyy i do drink a lot of jasmine and green tea at uni tho

darjeeling: a hobby?

im a boring bitch it’s just reading and writing for me ! i used to say dance bc i danced for a Long Time but i need to stop claiming that now

ginger: favourite colour(s)?

i’m a Hoe for PINK !!!

[tinyteabag]

Tea Asks

earl grey:how do you take your tea?

lady grey:favourite outfit?

black tea: where are you from?

irish breakfast:what country do you want to visit?

turkish tea: where have you travelled?

white tea:occupation/career aspirations

rooiboos: 3 facts about my family

matcha: favourite book?

blooming tea: favourite flower?

chamomile:comfort movie?

peppermint:what’s your favourite holiday and why?

milk:do you have any allergies?

sugar:tell me about your first crush

honey:type out the last text you sent

ginger: favourite colour(s)?

green tea:where do you feel most at peace?

bubble tea:what ride would you pick at an amusement park?

mug:when/where do you normally drink tea?

teacup: last tea party?

teapot: music preference?

chai:what do you order at starbucks?

oolong: ideal romantic partner?

darjeeling: a hobby?

pu-erh: 3 random facts about myself

herbal:post a selfie

coffee:surprise coffee ask! how do you take your coffee?

[ilanamk]

51, 55, 67

51. Righty or lefty

right !

55. First hookup

oh gooood. who knows if this is tmi but it was in fact the time i lost my virginity in a hotel room at a party when i was 18. not my shining moment

67. Lips or eyes

oh that’s HARD uhh eyes?

[ilanamk]

yellow

if you could have any view from your bedroom window what would you choose?

this sounds weird but like. the overview of a city. im so nosy

what’s your favorite thing to do on a sunny day? 

i like walking around in minimal clothing frankly sjfhgueruf but lying down and reading a book ! or chilling with my friends is honestly so euphoric in the sun

what do you consider lucky? 

i literally have no clue what this means

what made you smile today? 

i started reading little women again today, which i haven’t read since i was maybe 11, and i literally started grinning as soon as i started the first page :-)

what makes you happy?

when i lie in bed at the end of a day and realise that i’m Content TM

[ilanamk]

purple & green !

purple

just answered !

what’s your favorite thing to do outside? 

i will not lie to u. i hate the outdoors

do you like camping? 

fuck no LMAO but i did it in school for a duke of edinburgh award x

what would you spend $1,000 on? 

really nice covers of books. pathetic i kno

what’s your job, or what do you want to do as your job? 

i’m a student !!! just finished my second of year of uni doing english and comparative lit :-)

also any questions regarding what i want to do in the future Does make me cry

what’s your favorite article of clothing?

you will never see me without a bralet 

[ilanamk]

3, 11, 37

3. Last text message

ok i just checked and it was my friend asking me if this joint birthday message was fine for my other friend, to which i replied “that’s fine, the right amount of wetness, doesn’t even make me feel sick”

11. Been drunk and threw up

would like U all to kno i am 4′10 and WILL get drunk off two glasses of wine but also have only ever thrown up from drinking twice. i’m a trooper i really am

37. Nicknames

i am occasionally called jess but i used to ban people from calling me that bc i have a cousin called jessica who goes by jess and i’m jessie!!!  

[ilanamk]

purple!!

what’s your astrological sign? 

i’m a pisces sun, aries moon, virgo rising !!! i have big pisces energy it’s tru but all of my star chart Makes Sense fkjgdgh

what’s the best piece of advice you ever received? 

oh God i dont even know, but i think the one about healing yourself and that being the most important thing is very, very valid

when’s the last time you followed your instincts? 

my bitch ass was going to follow a (non-)ex on insta at 2am this morning but i didnt, i told myself to go to bed!!!! self growth thru gut feelings baby!

what’s your favorite food? 

not to be weird but i really have never experienced the same happiness i get from ice cream. i eat it almost daily and i’m really not exaggerating 

what’s your secret dream?

to literally never do anything again except write when i want

[kara-lesbihonest]

Send me a color

red: how was your first kiss? what do you love about yourself? when’s the last time you warmed your hands in front of a fire? would you rather watch a sunrise or sunset? what’s the best thing about summer?

orange: what makes you feel warm inside? what’s your favorite halloween tradition? what’s the last thing you learned? when’s the last time you felt obsessed? what’s your favorite article of clothing?

yellow: if you could have any view from your bedroom window what would you choose? what’s your favorite thing to do on a sunny day? what do you consider lucky? what made you smile today? what makes you happy?

green: what’s your favorite thing to do outside? do you like camping? what would you spend $1,000 on? what’s your job, or what do you want to do as your job? what’s your favorite article of clothing?

blue: what do you do when you’re sad? what are some things you do when you can’t sleep? what was the best (non-romantic) night you’ve had? what kind of covers do you have on your bed? who is the last person you told a secret to?

purple: what’s your astrological sign? what’s the best piece of advice you ever received? when’s the last time you followed your instincts? what’s your favorite food? what’s your secret dream?

[ilanamk]

i will literally adore you if you send me one

1. Last kiss

2. Last phone call

3. Last text message

4. Last song you listened to

5. Last time you cried

HAVE YOU EVER:

6. Dated someone twice

7. Been cheated on

8. Self harmed

9. Lost someone special

10. Been depressed

11. Been drunk and threw up

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:

12. had sex

13. How many people have you had sex with this year?

15. Made a new friend

17. Laughed until you cried

18. Met someone who changed you

19. Found out who your true friends were

20. Found out someone was talking about you

26. What did you do for your last Birthday

27. What time did you wake up today

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for

30. Last time you saw your all of your siblings at the same time

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life

32. What are you listening to right now

33. When is the last time you had sex?

34. Who's getting on your nerves right now

35. Most visited webpage

36. Favorite colour

37. Nicknames

38. Relationship Status

39. Zodiac sign

40. Male or female

41. Primary school

42. Secondary School

43. High school/college

44. Eye color

46. Height

47. Do you have a crush on someone

48. What do you like about yourself

49. Piercings

50. Tattoos

51. Righty or lefty

FIRSTS:

53. First piercing

54. First best friend

55. First hookup

56. First Bestfriend

RIGHT NOW:

59. Eating

60. Drinking

61. I'm about to

62. Listening to

63. Waiting for

YOUR FUTURE:

64. Want kids?

65. Get married?

66. Career

WHICH IS BETTER:

67. Lips or eyes

68. Hugs or kisses

69. Shorter or taller

70. Older or Younger

71. Romantic or spontaneous

72. Nice stomach or nice arms

73. Sensitive or loud

74. Hook-up or relationship

HAVE YOU EVER:

76. Kissed a stranger

77. Drank hard liquor

78. Lost glasses/contacts

79. Had sex

80. Broken someone's heart

82. Been arrested

83. Turned someone down

84. Cried when someone died

85. Fallen for a friend

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

86. Yourself

87. Miracles

88. Love at first sight

89. Heaven

90. Santa Clause

91. Kiss on the first date

92. Angels

93. How would you label yourself?

94. Someone You Pray Everyday For

95. Did you sing today

96. Who From All Your Ex's have You Cared The Most About

97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?

98. Out Of Everything In The World What Do You Wish For

99. Are you afraid of falling in love?

100. Do you like the way you look?

Actually ask me something. Anon or not.

[venettaoctavia]

You are shaking fists & trembling teeth. I know: You did not mean to be cruel. That does not mean you were kind.

Venetta Octavia, excerpt of “THE BURNING”, from my chapbook, “What We Left Behind” (via venettaoctavia)