Lab journal #3

Set to stop a war against myself. If you find your uncredited art, I want to apologize, please, tell me, so I can fix it.

[illchangeitlatermaybe]

rest in peace, my heart

why are so cruel to me

[illchangeitlatermaybe]

semi-helpful tip for people with binge-eating and bulimia: if you're smoking, try to smoke after amount of food you'd like to it - firstly, it will distract you, and secondly, for some people (myself included) it lessens your appetite.

(also it's like... making your mouth busy, and sometimes you don't want to eat, you just want to "entartain" your mouth xd)

[illchangeitlatermaybe]

so I haven't been here for quite a while and reason is not that I'm not trying to recover but my father's death.

i miss him so fucking much.

every time i think that i am... not over it, because it impossible, but rather that i made a piece with the fact it hits again

we had a lot of fights and he's behaviour was sometimes trigger my self-destructive behaviour, but he was always kind and he tried to be as understanding as possible

i thought we have time

and now

i miss you

[illchangeitlatermaybe]

So, I'm still here and I'm still trying, it's just there was a lot going on lately. I was doing therapy but I had to cancel it for some time due to financial issues, though I hope to continue with it again in September.

There were good weeks and bad weeks, good days and bad days (today, for example somehow is a bad day in terms of bulimia, though nothing happened in particular).

I feel anxious when I'm alone, and that's the main problem that causes me to eat or to drink too much. So I'm trying to catch those moments and explore my feelings. Though it's not today, one day I'm going to be doing better.

"이건 정지가 아닌 니 삶을 쉬어가는 잠시 동안의 일시 정지 // This isn't a stop bit just a pause in your life for a break" (c) Tomorrow

[illchangeitlatermaybe]

I decided to set some countable points, so I could measure my results and at the same time see walked path. None of these points are about weight, of course. There are number of binges, of purges, of days without binges or purges. I described everything in bio, if you're interested.

At today session with my therapist we talked about a lit of sensitive things and made important steps! One of the huge ones is that: when I have a lot of emotions I don't want to eat. It means, when I allow myself to feel emotions, to feel pain, to cry, to be afraid, I don't want to eat, because - there's no point in running away from feelings, when they are already here. It let me to really start thinking before eating. Emotions don't seem so scary anymore. At least for now.

If you pay attention to numbers, you will see that there's been only two days without binging and purging. I still have a long way to go, and I'm going to do it eventually. I'm still here.

[illchangeitlatermaybe]

Yesterday was a session with my therapist. We were trying to understand a mechanism that leads me into not only purging or binge eating, but buying things to binge in the first place, when I know there is like 1% chance I would be able to stop myself from crossing the line.

And you know... All of it sounds so obvious, so logical, and you feel like a child even, or some messed up computer whose cables are switched all wrong, so there you are - trying to organize this chaos.

My initial intention usually is to relax. However, idea of relaxation and rest is tightly connected with food for me (which has its roots in childhood of course). So like an alcoholic I convince myself that it's going to be a little portion or that it's the last time or anything else. And yes, first five minutes usually bring some relief - it's tasty, i have a right to relax, this is allowed way to do it... But then it's only binging and purging, or cycles of these two.

Does it worth it?

What other ways to relax I can find and use?

Which emotions am I so afraid of looking directly at?

There is a lot to think about. Maybe this time I will be able to find answers

[illchangeitlatermaybe]

Ok, it seems "in the fridge - in the mouth" rule works fully for me. I binge on big pack of chips and couldn't stop myself from vomiting, sadly.

It's hard for me to keep up with healthy eating style in the evenings. I manage to do it only on tuesday this week. I will talk with my therapist about what could be done about this.

However, I still hopeful and didn't shame myself for my actions! I'll just keep going and try again today c:

[illchangeitlatermaybe]

Guys, I didn't buy my binge food today! It was a struggle at the store, but I thought about it as one time thing, and that I have leftovers at home, and that it would just feel great. And it did, you know?! Proud of myself today. What a strong brave creature I am.

But I still find it hard not to eat when I'm alone at home in the evening. I should discuss it with my therapist this week.

[illchangeitlatermaybe]

So, events of last week.

We had a good chat with my therapist. He told me about how to eat a decent amount of food and not feel hungry, and I'm trying to use new knowledge.

Monday was nice: using new teaps I didn't feel hungry, but I ate my binge-inducing food though.

Tuesday was good: I get to not binge at night!

Today (Wednesday) was good till night: I bought a new flavour of my binge-inducing food and although I intended to eat just a small amount it didn't work out so I binged eventually.

However, good thing is that I don't feel guilty or anything about that, I slipped a little, but I will try again tomorrow, and we'll see how things are going to be.

Mu therapist said a useful thing : If it's in the fridge, it's going to be on the menu, - so I intend to not buy my binge-inducing food at least tomorrow.

Also, he advised to revise last 15 minutes of thoughts/events before you're going to eat something you'd like to not. I did that but it's like I didn't find a reason I would be satisfied with. I did recall my fight with the friend, but it's kind of old story already. I'll think about that though. Also I've used a lot of energy today and wanted to rest, and to some degree there is still a strong link between rest and food for me. Maybe that was a reason.

[illchangeitlatermaybe]

Though I feel incredibly encouraged after session I know it would go, but it seems less scary.

Thing is I'm going to try once again beat my eating disorder and I thought it might be useful to make this blog especially for this purpose

For the next week I am to write everything I eat, not lessen it, not to hide anything, not thinking about cutting out amount just write. That's what we agreed to do with my therapist.

I'm going to write it half in russian, I guess, cause it might be more convenient sometimes.

We also going to try new kind of theurapy, I will talk about it later.