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Untitled Rant

Writer: okbdsm Date: January 26, 2019

I think that my series of rants that I posted to illusoryteam may have scared off any potential readers or writers because the blog has not been updated since I posted my last entry nearly five months ago.

I could post something else to rant about that has occurred not too long after my last post (my newest rant would have been about another friend of mine that owes me something), but in all honesty, I’m not going to bother.

That’s why I have my Facebook profile, and I posted my rant on there a while ago.

Two of the rants that I posted, Rant: Take Responsibility for Your Actions, Part 3 and Rant: Take Responsibility for Your Actions, Part 4 were largely geared towards one friend of mine (my assumption is that she did not even bother reading those posts or read them and ignored them all together), and considering that I have sent her Facebook messages either related or not related to the stuff that I am owed, and she selectively only responds to my comments when it is not related to what I am owed, that does nothing but really piss me off.

That really speaks volumes where someone says that they are offering things for sale, you purchase those items, and you never receive those items.

That also speaks volumes when that friend asks if you can loan her money, you loan her the money, but she never pays you back.

I have been tempted to gather up a list of names of everyone that owes me anything and post them all on Facebook for everyone to see (every single person that owes me things, they are all on my friends list on Facebook), but I have decided against it every single time and have continued to keep their identities confidential.

Whether or not I say it directly to people, I do hold grudges against people if I believe I have been wronged, and the more severe the infractions, the bigger the grudges I will hold.

However, I will say that if I ever become terminally ill and still hold a grudge against those people, I will have absolutely nothing to lose by doing so.

All and all, avoid treating your friends like crap because you never know when you will be in a position where you need help, have no one else to turn to except for me, and I flat out refuse to help you and cite all of the times in which I have supported you through buying your products or loaning you money and never getting those items or getting paid back.

#Rant #Personal Responsibility #Lack of Personal Repsonsibility #Professionalism #Lack of Professionalism #Financial Responsibility #Lack of Financial Responsibility #Ethics #Lack of Ethics #Personal Ethics #Lack of Personal Ethics

Rant: Take Responsibility for Your Actions, Part 4

Writer: okbdsm Source: Multiple sources (including FetLife) Date: August 29, 2018 Errata: This is the final part of a series of rants regarding the importance of taking responsibility for your actions because whether you’re in individual, a small business, or a major corporation, if you are not going to honor your commitments, then you are putting your own personal and professional reputation at risk.

In 2012, one of my friends on FetLife would end up telling me about a camming Website called MyFreeCams. Either that same year or a year later, I would end up discovering another camming Website called Chaturbate. Fast forward to 2018, I would dive into the world of Patreon.

This is actually going to be the longest of my rants, so the rest of it can be viewed via the Read More link.

#Rant #Personal Responsibility #Lack of Personal Responsibility #Professionalism #Lack of Professionalism #Financial Responsibility #Lack of Financial Responsibility #Ethics #Lack of Ethics #Personal Ethics #Lack of Personal Ethics

Rant: Take Responsibility for Your Actions, Part 3

Writer: okbdsm Original Title: The Meaning of Borrowing (There’s a Point to This Post) Source: Personal Website Date: August 31, 2016 at 11:08 P.M. CDT Errata: I plan on doing a few rants regarding the importance of taking responsibility for your actions because whether you’re in individual, a small business, or a major corporation, if you are not going to honor your commitments, then you are putting your own personal and professional reputation at risk.

Updated: September 27, 2016 (I usually don’t update past journal entries unless it’s for spelling or grammatical reasons)

For the purposes of this journal entry, I will be focusing on these nouns and verbs (I probably will not use some of these words in the actual entry):

Gift (noun): a thing given willingly to someone without payment; a present

Present (noun): a thing given to someone as a gift

Borrow (verb): take and use (something that belongs to someone else) with the intention of returning it

Loan (verb): borrow (a sum of money or item of property)

Note: The definitions were obtained via Google.

Also, I have no intention of naming people in my post because I want to keep identities confidential.

When it comes to the photos that I take, I take those without asking for payment because I continuously acknowledge that there are people that can take much better photographs than I can. Additionally, I have mentioned on multiple occasions that I largely only want to focus on getting better at photography so I can take better pictures of my niece. However, when it comes to people borrowing money from me, that is a completely different story.

Myself, I am guilty on misusing the word borrow several times in my past. Some examples of me misusing the word borrow are below:

May I borrow a piece of paper?

May I borrow a pencil?

May I borrow a French fry?

However, when it comes to money, I make the distinction of borrowing money and gifting money as a present pretty clear.

Some people know that I rarely ask to borrow money because I do not like having to inconvenience people. However, on those rare occasions where I am in a position to where I need to ask if I can borrow some money, I will pay the person back as soon as possible. Now, over the years, some people have known me as pretty reliable and will occasionally ask if they can borrow money from me. Sometimes, when some individuals borrow money from me, some will actually pay me back, and I am perfectly fine with it.

However, the increasing problem that I have been experiencing over the years is when some individuals (unfortunately, I can think of multiple individuals in this circumstance) ask to borrow money, and I am not paid back.

For some people, I will make excuses for because they are not in a position to pay me back right away. However, when some individuals know that they owe me money and ask if they can borrow more money (once again, I can think of multiple individuals that this would apply), then it is a problem because they are increasing the amount that they owe me and are causing me to gradually lose faith in them ever paying me back the amount that they owe me.

Personally, part of this is my fault because I tend to look the other way quite a bit and be somewhat optimistic that I will eventually be paid back what is owed to me. As a result, I enable people to continue this cycle. However, while I do blame myself for letting it happen, I was silently blaming the other individuals as well (of course, as you can see, with the post being made public, my thoughts are out there in the open) because the money that I let them borrow could go towards many other things:

Gifts for my niece

Bills (I continue to carry a $2,000+ credit card bill that I am still working on paying off)

A 4 to 6 TB Western Digital Black Desktop Hard Drive

New camera equipment

Some equipment for my other hobbies

Car repairs (I have some break pads that need to be replaced, an exterior hatchback latch that needs to be fixed, a gas tank latch that needs to be fixed, and the Check Engine light will illuminate on occasion)

Saving enough money to start a Roth IRA

Saving enough money to start purchasing furniture

Saving enough money to rent an apartment

Now, I am not saying that I do not like helping people out. After all, I have helped people out with rides, advice, gifts, and I continue to offer my photography services for free. However, it has become increasingly frustrating when someone asks for a favor, because the first thing I think about is whether or not they are going to ask if they can borrow money. I really do not like feeling that way, but honestly, it is the truth. Unfortunately, it has become such a problem, that I have reached the point to where I have recently announced on Facebook (and on my Website, of course) that I will no longer let people borrow money from me all together nor will be giving people money nor gift cards (physical or electronic) as a gift/present if they ask (immediate and extended family members will be exempt from this, of course). If it ultimately boils down to me being down to my last few dollars that are earmarked for bills and letting someone borrow money, I will choose the former because with some of my bills, if I either late or miss a payment altogether, it can negatively impact my Equifax, Experian, and TransUnion credit reports and also negatively impact my FICO credit score.

To put things into perspective, if the situation was reversed and I was asking someone if I could borrow $2,000+ to pay off my credit card bill, I honestly do not know who would lend me such a large amount of money.

Plus, you also have to keep in mind that the vast majority of my friends that I went to elementary, middle, and high school with have long since moved out on their own. Furthermore, many of the people that I have met over the past few years that are adult age (many of them younger than I am) are also living on their own. Myself, I am thirty three years old and still living with my mom.

Getting back on topic, if people are needing money, I did find an article on The Penny Hoarder titled 32 Legitimate Ways to Make Money at Home. This article lists many different ways that people can earn some extra income. Of course, depending on their FICO credit score and information in their Equifax, Experian, and TransUnion credit reports, they can apply for a loan at a bank or credit union. Furthermore, there are peer-to-peer lending companies (e.g., such as Prosper or Lending Club) that people can use that tend to have some lower interest rates (once again, this will largely depend on information in their Equifax, Experian, and TransUnion credit reports and their FICO credit score). Of course, if some people want to try their luck and risk their funds, if they are of legal age to gamble, they can try to win some money at a casino, try to win money via scratch-off tickets, or try to win money via buying lottery tickets.

I really hate to act like a bad guy regarding this, but letting people borrow money and rarely getting paid back is starting to become disheartening, making me lose faith in some people, and rather insulting to me because I feel like I am being taken advantage of. I rather not feel like this because my friends mean a lot to me, but at the same time, I have to take better care of myself, and letting people borrow money without paying me back does not help the situation at all.

See You Space Cowboy…

#Rant #Personal Responsibility #Lack of Personal Responsibility #Professionalism #Lack of Professionalism #Gift #Present #Borrow #Loan #Financial Responsibility #Lack of Financial Responsibility #Ethics #Lack of Ethics

Rant: Take Responsibility for Your Actions, Part 2

Writer: okbdsm Date: August 21, 2018 Note: Unfortunately, I cannot reveal identifying information about this without revealing who I am since my BDSM activities are not known to the vast majority of my friends.

I plan on doing a few rants regarding the importance of taking responsibility for your actions because whether you’re in individual, a small business, or a major corporation, if you are not going to honor your commitments, then you are putting your own personal and professional reputation at risk.

At 4:56 P.M. on August 16, 2018, the owner of the LLC that operates the anime convention that I discussed in Rant: Take Responsibility for Your Actions, Part 1 announced on the convention’s Facebook Page that the convention was officially cancelled. The entire Facebook post (minus identifying information) is below:

[Name of convention stripped out of the post] Ticket Holders, Sponsors, Invited Guests, Vendors, and fellow Anime Fans,

Despite diligent efforts [Name of convention stripped out of the post] has been officially cancelled due to logistical difficulties, talent scheduling, and other factors beyond our control.

We understand that many of you made plans to be here and wanted to give you as much notice as possible so that you may make alternative plans for your holiday weekend. Our team worked to the last possible moments to find a solution, but with two weeks until opening we now realize it will be impossible to deliver the show we promised you.

Ticket Holders,

Please know it is our desire and intent to make full refund or issue credit voucher for future events. Please contact us at [E-Mail Address stripped out of the post] to inquire about refunds for tickets and deposits.

Within minutes of the post on Facebook, there has been a number of posts made in the comments section on the Facebook post. One of the guests that was scheduled to appear at the convention posted this at 5:11 P.M. on August 16, 2018:

“Talent scheduling”? HAH! That is ENTIRELY untrue, do not throw us talent you invited to your convention under the bus. This convention is absolutely ridiculous.

Many people on Facebook came to the defense of the convention guest, including another one of the convention’s guests. He had this to post at 5:17 P.M. on August 16, 2018:

I second that [Identifying name removed]. Unprofessional!

As of August 21, 2018, the cancellation has only been posted on the Facebook Page. The convention’s Website nor the convention’s Twitter page have been updated with this information.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I personally know many people that were planning on attending this anime convention and several people that were planning on selling artwork and other items at the convention. Those that purchased passes might be able to get their money back via Eventbrite, but I have heard that the artists and vendors had to pay through a different method (I’ve heard that they paid either through PayPal or Square, but I haven’t been able to confirm that information yet). The artists and vendors will have a more difficult time getting their money back.

One of the impacted vendors E-Mailed the cancellation E-Mail Address, and this was the automated response she has received (the E-Mail was formatted to strip out identifying information):

Thank for your interest in this production, and we apologize again for your inconvenience. As you can imagine, we are getting a large volume of requests for information on refunds. The mechanism for making refunds is not yet in place. You will receive a follow up email with steps to verify your account when it is. We appreciate your understanding and we empathize with your impatience as we have funds tied up in deposits and prepaid expenses as well. Regards, Team [Name of convention stripped out of the post]

Keep in mind, the convention is officially owned by one person.

Naturally, this did not set well with people on Facebook because between the Facebook post and the automated E-Mail, it makes it seem like that people were not getting their money back.

The situation with this local convention has even attracted the attention of local news outlets. According to a news report, one of my friends paid $440 to the LLC owner using a check dated February 20, 2018 for her vendor space.

Granted, I do not know how many vendors and artists paid for booth spaces nor do I know how much each one costs, but I’ll go ahead and throw in an example. Keep in mind, this scenario may not be completely accurate, but it should detail how serious this is.

Let’s say that the least expensive vendor space costs $250 and 30 people paid in advance for vendor space. That’s $7,500 of funds that went to a cancelled convention. In another example, let’s say that the least expensive vendor space costs $250 and 50 people paid in advance. That’s $12,500 of funds that went to a cancelled convention.

This situation is still developing, and it’ll be months before a resolution will be reached. Regardless, this situation could have been handled much better, and the fact that it was handled so poorly and so close to the original date of t he convention has many people upset. Many truly believe that the owner of the LLC is a con artist, many believe that the funds are completely gone, and many believe that she will likely face embezzlement charges due to this.

Closing out this post, I hope that those that have been impacted will be able to recover their funds, and I hope that the owner of the LLC is severely punished for her actions. It does not matter what the circumstances are, if mistakes were made, you set things right in a timely manner and do not drag things out.

#Rant #Personal Responsibility #Lack of Personal Responsibility #Professional Responsibility #Lack of Professional Responsibility #Professionalism #Lack of Professionalism #Financial Responsibility #Lack of Financial Responsibility #Ethics #Lack of Ethics #Business Ethics #Lack of Business Ethics

Rant: Take Responsibility for Your Actions, Part 1

Writer: okbdsm Date: August 14, 2018 Note: Unfortunately, I cannot reveal identifying information about this without revealing who I am since my BDSM activities are not known to the vast majority of my friends.

In the past few days, I have been following a lot of disturbing events regarding an anime convention in my area that is supposed to be occurring in the coming weeks. Some point in 2017, an LLC purchased an anime convention where I reside. There were many in my local cosplay community that were worried about what would happen, but I took things in stride and waited to see what happened.

Starting on August 13, 2018, I have heard things that have caused me to become concerned about the convention. I have heard about the following things:

In recent days, volunteers have not been conveyed information regarding when to report for their assignments, where they are being assigned, etc.

Most of the hyperlinks on the convention’s Website being broken

The Eventbrite page no longer accepting payments for passes, despite Tweets on the convention’s Twitter page stating that preorders for passes would not end until near the end of the month

Two of the five special guests have announced that they will not be able to attend due to recent issues

The information on the Secretary of State’s Website listing that the status of the LLC is currently inactive with the reason due to being over 60 days delinquent in filing its annual report

There are many rumors floating around regarding the owner of the LLC, and I cannot verify them. As of when I typed this post (August 14, 2018), there has been no official announcement from the owner of the LLC regarding the status of the convention, and the lack of communication is absolutely appalling to me.

I was not planning on attending the anime convention due to being invested in two other conventions, one in September and the other in November. However, I do have several friends of mine that were planning to be vendors at this convention. My friends had to pay in advance for their booth and table spaces and are deeply concerned that they will not be able to recoup their funds. With the convention owned by an LLC, if my friends wanted to recoup their funds, they would need to sue to LLC to get a judgement. Under certain conditions, the owner of an LLC can be sued, but certain criteria has to be met for the owner of an LLC to be held personally liable. However, it is currently unknown what is the current financial status of the LLC, and it is currently unknown what is the current financial status of the owner of the LLC.

I do not care if you are a large corporation, a small business, or an individual, if people have given you funds for goods or services, you need to honor your commitments.

If you are unable to honor your commitments, you need to be able to find a way to rectify things.

If a convention is cancelled, as the owner of the LLC, you need to make an official announcement instead of giving people a sense of uncertainty.

In my opinion, the professional reputation of the LLC’s owner is ruined.

As far as the convention itself, in my opinion, the reputation of the convention has been damaged beyond repair.

I hope those that have been impacted and invested a lot of money into this convention are able to recover their funds because they are the victims in the absolute negligence of the owner of the LLC.

maraloves

#poem #poems #poetryisnotdead #poemsofinstagram #poet #poetry #poetrycommunity #prose #freeverse #freeversepoetry #freeversepoem #writersofinstagram #writer #writing #writingcommunity

#poem #poems #spilled poetry #prose poetry #poet #poets on tumblr #creative writing #writing #prose #spilledink #spilled words #spilled thoughts #free verse

maraloves

#poem #poet #poetryisnotdead #poetrycommunity #poetry #prose #prosepoem #writing #writingcommunity #writersofinstagram #writer #writers

Submission Piece by Genie

There was a time,

My heart used to flutter,

When you walked through the door.

A time when a glance in my direction,

Sent shivers up and down my spine.

My body knew before I did,

That you were going to break my heart.

It never really made much sense to me,

Why losing you hurt more than all the people I loved before.

But all of my good intentions,

Fled the scene,

Jumbled up like marbles in a glass,

All the things I wanted to tell you,

Slipped quicker through the hourglass,

The moments with you had become sand,

And no matter how hard I tried,

They slipped from my grasp.

So these tattered pages,

Are all that’s left of the feeling in me,

My truest feelings for you,

Vibrant for the whole world to see.

But none of that matters,

If your eyes no longer glance at me.

#poem #writing #poetry #spilled thoughts #coping #poets on tumblr #spilled ink #spilled words #poet #prose #unrequited affection #unrequited feelings #unrequited love #love poems #love #poems on tumblr #original poem

Untitled Rant

Writer: okbdsm Source: Deleted Facebook post Date: August 5, 2018 at 11:44 P.M. CDT Note: This post is edited to remove identifying location information and information that may lead to the identity of the person I am posting about. This post was retyped word from word from the deleted Facebook post.

This would be much more convenient to do from a computer, but I will not be back in my home state until Monday. However, I’ll try to mess with it when I get the chance.

Just to let everyone know, this is only directed towards one person, and I went to the vast majority of elementary, two-thirds of middle, and one-fourth of high school with this one person. I promise that this isn’t directed towards everyone else. I honestly doubt she will read this because she isn't much of a social media person. If she does read it, then...

Well...

I’m sorry for what you’re about to read.

Fortunately, I’m good about not naming names. However, I really want to express what my current feelings are.

I may delete this later.

For those that don’t know, I’m 35 years old. I graduated from high school in 2001.

I’m fully aware that I don’t look like I’m 35 years old.

My trip to another state in August 2018 was to mostly see my brother, sister-in-law, and my niece. However, I hoped that I would be able to see a friend of mine as well that I’ve known since kindergarten.

I can completely understand if people are busy.

I get that.

I was largely with family my entire trip to another state. However, I did let one friend of mine know via text message and voice mail prior to coming to the other state and during my state in the other state that I was here, and if she wanted to hang out to let me know, and I could try to hang out when I wasn’t busy.

I even sent her pictures of my niece, my pride and joy.

I received nothing.

No text messages

No phone calls

Nothing

I wouldn’t be hurt if I got a text message, phone call, or voice mail message stating that she was busy. After all, adulthood makes for some very busy people.

I just wished that she would’ve let me know if she was busy or not.

However, I will admit that it’s my fault.

Back in 1997, I let her know that I had feelings for her. Even in 2018, those feelings never really faded.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not stupid. I’m fully aware that she’s been in relationships, and I’ve been in a few as well. However, I always maintained a friends first policy.

Anyway, I suppose the reason why I’m upset is because (in my opinion) I feel like I’m always the first one to initiate any kind of conversation with her. I’ve sent her countless letters, birthday cards, Christmas cards, and a few presents here and there over the years, and it’s rare that I receive acknowledgement from it.

By acknowledgment, I mean a “thank you.”

I don’t regret telling her how I feel about her, but I’m at the point where I’m done trying to be the person that tries to maintain the friendship.

She will always be my friend, and I will always love her. However, I just don’t want to try to make an effort anymore of trying to reach someone if they don’t want to make a similar effort.

To those who know whom I’m talking about, I don’t want to discuss it at all. I don’t want comments about it. I just needed to finally release my feelings and thoughts a bout it. She’s not a bad person at all, and she is one of the most caring people I’ve ever met, and that’s why I care about her so much. If you know whom I’m commenting a bout, I’d appreciate you not commenting about it.

To those that don’t know whom I’m talking about, I suppose you all found out that I can only tolerate so much before I have to say something to get a release. Once again, I’m not up for talking about it at all. Don’t get used to this because I much rather prefer to focus on others’ problems rather than my own.

Once again, I’ll likely delete this later.

Her Name is “K”

Writer: okbdsm Source: Private entry from personal Website Date: May 14, 2018 at 10:34 P.M. CDT Note: This post is edited to remove identifying location information and information that may lead to the identity of the person I am posting about.

This is going to be an incredibly long journal entry, and since the person I am talking about is a friend of mine that I’ve known since elementary school and she is still on my Facebook friends list, I don’t plan on talking about her on a public platform. However, that’s the beauty regarding having a Website in which I can make certain things able to be viewed to the public or have it only able to be viewed to myself and certain people.

“K” is a lady that I met in 1988 when I attended in kindergarten A.M. class at my old public school. After kindergarten, we would end up having the same 1st grade teacher before we went our separate ways. Granted, while we were friends, we were not particularly close (largely due to the fact that I mostly hung out with my guy friends at the time). The two of us would not be in any of the same classes again until middle school.

“K” and I would end up being in the 8th grade middle school band, and while the two of us were still friends, the two of us were still not overly close, at first. However, the two of us ended up getting a little bit closer due to our few interactions we had in band. One of the things that I admired about her was with how sweet and caring she was. Additionally, since I was an occasional target for being picked on by people at school, she also helped to encourage me to stand up for myself a bit more than I did. Thinking about it now, this was likely me being a stupid 14 year old teenage boy at the time, but I found myself getting a crush on her when she invited me over to her house to celebrate her 14th birthday. Unfortunately, I was not able to attend her 14th birthday party since I was away that weekend with an activity with my Boy Scouts of America Troop. Despite that, that small act that she performed would have me enamored with her, and throughout the summer of 1997, I ended up obtaining a crush on her.

As a broke 14 year old teenage boy, I wanted to do some things to impress her and show her that I cared about her. I don’t remember everything that I got her during the summer of 1997, but I remember leaving her small homemade items in her mailbox from time to time. One of the things that I remember leaving her in her mailbox was some free tickets to a baseball game. I would end up going to that same baseball game, and to my surprise, I also saw “K” and one of her friends there. Being a stupid 14 year old teenage boy at the time, I would do things like skip around when I saw her and act really silly as I skipped/ran away.

Anyway, before the start of our 9th grade school year, I would end up writing a note and leaving it in her mailbox letting her know that I had a crush on her. I did not really expect her to acknowledge my feelings for her, but during our 9th grade freshman year of high school, “K” and I would talk a bit more and got a bit closer. Although she dated someone else for the first quarter to half of the school year, I still maintained my feelings for her. At this time, I tried to make it not very obvious that I had feelings for her, but she and a few of her friends knew about it. I would also tell a few of my friends about it, but I pretty much swore my friends to secrecy since I did not want to make things awkward between “K” and I. I will say that during one of the classes she and I shared together, she gave me a note thanking me for the things I got her during the summer of 1997.

The major turning point with “K” was when I and a few others were invited over for Christmas Eve 1997. While I don’t remember what I gave her for Christmas that year (very likely, I either purchased or drew a Christmas card), she would end up drawing me a small Christmas card and gave me a bar of Hershey’s Cookies ‘n’ Creme Candy Bar. Before heading home that night, “K” ended up giving me a hug that lasted for several moments. With that hug, I experienced such a warmth flow through me that I knew that I did not just have a crush on her.

I was in love with “K.”

While she was absolutely beautiful, her personality was what I fell in love with.

“K” would even be the first lady that I would dance with, and this needs a little bit of backstory.

During 7th grade, 8th grade, and 9th grade, while I would go to school dances and have been asked I wanted to dance by one, I was too nervous to dance with any girls. In theory, I knew where to put my hands, but in actuality, I was too nervous to do it because I did not want to put my hands on the wrong area by mistake. That would all change with a band trip to San Antonio, Texas.

In April 1998, our high school would travel to San Antonio to participate in a concert band contest. For recreation, we would end up going to the Alamo, Sea World, Six Flags Fiesta Texas, and a few other places. After going to Sea World and finishing dinner one night, some of us had the option where we could go to some place to play some arcade games and others were also able to go to a dance. Since I brought my Sega Genesis with me for the trip, I opted to go to the dance instead. However, for us to remain at the dance, we could not be wall flowers. While we were not required to dance, we could not just stand in the corner. Somehow, I managed to avoid being a wall flower, and at some point, we ended up forming a circle where people were dancing in it. It was the last song of the night, and “K” was in the circle. Of course, I was content with just watching her dance, but something unexpected happened.

“K” pulled me inside the circle, and I started slow dancing with her.

Naturally, I was nervous beyond belief.

This was “K!”

I loved “K!”

“K” knew I liked her!

Some people at the dance knew that I liked “K!”

However, as time went on, I felt my worries just melt away and enjoyed the moment that “K” and I had together. To this day, I would like to think that “K” knew that I was nervous as well, and she helped me out more than she could ever imagine. After the dance ended, I would end up thanking her for the dance, and I would say that my dance with her was the absolute highlight of the trip.

While I was hoping to spend the 1998 – 1999 school year trying to get closer to “K” (while hoping that the two of us would end up dating), that plan came to an end on June 24, 1998 when I heard that “K” and her family were moving to another state. Her dad worked for Delta Airlines in a major metropolitan area, and he would commute from home to the major metropolitan area for work. Ultimately, it was decided that her family would move to join her dad in the major metropolitan area , and so, on August 4, 1998, “K” and her family would end up moving from her home town. The thing that I have regretted the most was never telling her in person how much I cared about her.

Despite her moving to the major metropolitan area , the two of us would remain in touch throughout high school via phone calls and me sending her letters, birthday cards, and Christmas cards, and she would occasionally visit her home town to visit other friends as well. It was at this point that I would start ending my letters that I mailed to her with “Love” due to the fact that I wanted to let her know how much I loved and cared about her. I vastly regretted never being able to tell her how much I loved and cared about her when she lived in her home town, so I told myself that I would not make that same mistake again after she moved.

After high school ended, I would continue to send “K” birthday and Christmas cards over the years (there were very rare occasions in which I did not send her one), and even to this day, I recently mailed her a birthday card to celebrate her 35th birthday. However, while I still love and care about “K,” as the years went by, I have started to develop a few criticisms as well. This is something that I will spend some time talking about, and it is one of the primary reasons why I created this private post to finally get my frustrations out.

I do not know how many letters I have written “K” over the years, and I certainly do not remember how many birthday and Christmas cards I have mailed her. At the very most, I have mailed her around 20 birthday cards (minus any years that I might have missed) and around 19 Christmas cards (minus any that I might have missed). Sometimes, she will acknowledge via text message thanking me for remembering her birthday or sending her a Christmas card, but most of the time, I do not receive any thanks at all. Furthermore, I only have one address to mail things to her, and it’s her dad’s address. For a little while, I did have an address for her dad and an address for her mom when she was living with her mom for a while, but after her mom moved from the major metropolitan area, I had to use my fallback of sending things to her dad’s place. Fortunately, her dad has lived in the same house for nearly 20 years, but she lives between 30 to 40 minutes away from her dad, and should her dad ever move from where he lives, I would no longer have any way of sending “K” letters, Christmas cards, etc. unless she shares her current address with me.

Considering that I have mailed her many letters, birthday cards, and Christmas cards, you would think that she would occasionally mail me a letter or something. To date, since she moved to Texas, I have not received a single letter, birthday card, or Christmas card from her. During a trip to Oklahoma in either 1998 or 1999, she did hand me a letter that she was going to mail me, but beyond that, I have not received anything. When I actually write letters to “K,” I put a lot of thought and effort into writing them, and these letters can easily span two or more pages if I wrote front and back, and for me to not have received anything from her after the extraordinary effort I put into them, it can be very disheartening at times.

Now, I am not stupid to think that she does not date people because I know she dates people, and I am not into trying to convince her to date me when she’s already dating someone else. Heck, since she has moved from her home town, I have dated three ladies (one relationship being on and off due to distance, but it lasted from September 1999 to April 2000 with a very long break in between, one relationship lasting from November 2003 to April 2004, and one relationship lasting from October 11, 2008 to November 30, 2010). However, I do try to call her and/or send her a text message (at least) once a month so I can see how she is doing. Lately though, I have not had a lot of success in trying to reach her via text messaging. At the end of 2016, I sent her 66 SMS/MMS messages and received 20 SMS/MMS messages from her, and at the end of 2017, I sent her 115 SMS/MMS messages, and I received 23 SMS/MMS from her. I do not remember how many times I have called her in 2017, but the vast majority of the time, I would end up getting her voice mail.

This is very disheartening to me because I have tried my best to keep in touch with her since she moved to the major metropolitan area because I want to still remain a part of her life. However, I think that part of the reason why I am having so much trouble trying to reach her these days is due to the aspects of adulthood and the fact that I told her my feelings for her. I do not regret my feelings for “K,” and I will always continue to love her. However, these days, when I think about her, part of me gets upset because of the amount of effort I have made over the years to try to remain in touch with her seems to be in vain. Additionally, another part of me feels sad because of the fact that I am not as close to her as I would like to be. I remember many points of the past 20 years where I would think about “K” on a near daily basis, and these days, I will think about her from time to time each month but either become upset or saddened for the reasons above.

Perhaps, this is a sign that I am starting to realize that I value my friendship and love of her more than she does with me, or perhaps, this is a sign that I am starting to let go and slowly starting to move on from her (particularly since I have been largely focusing on the same lady for twenty years). While I do not see myself removing her from my friends list on Facebook anytime soon (I am sure someone will suggest that I do that, but I do not remove people from my friends list on Facebook unless they are bots or spam accounts), I do not see myself making an extraordinary effort anymore to try to keep in touch with her. As always, my overall policy is that when I am friends with someone, unless they outright state that they do not want to be friends with me anymore, they are stuck with me for life, and I will try to do what I can to be there for them.

Regardless, although we are drifting apart, I do love “K” very deeply.

PTSD

So... I keep seeing and hearing people talk about how they have PTSD from this and that. So let me just say this. 99% of those people are either trying to get attention or lying. If you loudly blurt out “this is making me have PTSD” to a whole crowd of people, it’s not. I’ve been blown up, shot at, and seen some messed up stuff, but I damn well don’t have it as bad as some.

That being said, if you honestly do have PTSD, do not be ashamed to ask for help. Do not be ashamed for needing a hand. It does not make you weak. Asking for help makes you a stronger human being, because at least you have reached out to make sure you’re going to make it.

There’s a proverb from the military that is told in circles of veterans that suffer from PTSD. It goes:

There was a soldier who was digging his foxhole. An NCO walks by and tells the soldier to dig it deeper. The soldier does as he’s told like a good soldier. Then, an officer walks by and tells him to dig it even deeper. The soldier follows orders and digs deeper. He digs it so deep he can no longer get out, and he begins to believe he will never get out. Another soldier walks up and jumps in. The soldier yells “what are you doing? Now we’re both stuck in here?!” The other soldier responds calmly “don’t worry, I’ve been here before, I know how to get out.”

Do not be afraid to ask for help. Others have been where you are and know the best ways to get out of the “hole” that you’re in.

-22A

#ptsd #teamwork #writing #proverbial #soldier #hole #coping #mental health #help

madeformorning

On this table we dissect our bond

We weigh out our affection

and carve carefully into cautious hearts

just to leave a mark behind

Divided into fair amounts

Your second guess

My constant doubt

Somewhere between reasoning and disarray

It’s safe to bet we’ve lost our way

Once again left to wander

What’s a road for anyway?

Now, centered in sincerity

I am certain as heavy sleep

Sure of this act alone

I don’t hesitate

I know now the sun will rise again

I don’t trust in words

Or their sentiment

but these are worth remembering

madeformorning

Coin

Only fools follow their heart without question

Those who calculate every circumstance logically are hopeless in their search for reason

It’s best to guess which path to take when you choose your fate

Either your mind dissolves

Or your heart fades

madeformorning

There is nothing more important

than the transient notions of technicolor

or the evaporating sentiment of shadows

Untitled 99

If a tree falls in the forest,

And no one is around to hear it,

Does it make a sound?

Well lately,

I’ve been feeling like that tree.

And I’ve made enough noise,

To fill a 200 track album,

With all the nonsense that runs,

Like a wild fire in my head.

I’m a tree in a forest,

With no visitors,

But the sun and the rain.

I’ve stood with every season,

And I’ve been battered by storms,

Unlike any you’ve ever seen.

But despite all of that,

I’m still here.

- K.B.D

#poem #writing #poetry #spilled thoughts #coping #poets on tumblr #spilled ink #spilled words #poet #prose

Welcome! You can call me Zero. I’m a 28 year old father, boyfriend, worker, artist, musician, video gamer, and part-time gritty motivational asshole. Although 28 is still such a ripe age, I’ve lived a lot of life and, in doing so, have learned a lot of lessons. Like all other people on our great planet, I’ve had highs and have had ~shitty~ lows, all coming together to make me the person I am today. Thankfully, I was able to find ways to navigate those shit storms and sew those teachings into the tapestry of my being in order to find some level of success and passion for myself. A ton of people want this and even fewer actually pull it off. You’ll find that the kind of minds we gravitate towards are the ones that help us grow without having to put our “brown pants” on in order to learn through trial and error. These beautiful minds push us to find passion, courage, knowledge, power, drive, and love. I’ve been fortunate enough to have the minds in my wild life give me critical information in finding what success means for me and even though I’ve had to kick my own ass to keep pushing through all of the tough tests the universe has thrown my way, I’ve found comfort in the chaos and ultimately, have found a sense of fulfillment and happiness with who I am today. For me, this is success and my passion is to help those around me feel that very same fulfillment, comfort, and over all bad-assery.

I’m here because I want to make an impact in other people’s lives by giving them knowledge that was so generously given to me by my peers (all those slightly drunken nights were pretty useful after all). I don’t have all of the answers and by no means am I some kind of substantial beacon that can give the human populace instructions on how to avoid all the fuckery to get out of the dark tunnel. I am still in search of that beacon, myself. However, I want to search for that white light with those that will allow me and in turn, can help keep the bad ass juices flowing inside of us.

Okay, let’s be serious for a second, because this following shit is really important. This is my attempt to reach out and give something to anyone who might feel they need it. To those that are still here: Welcome to the beginning of the rest of your [stellar] life. I hope the information I give holds value to you in one form or another and with that, consider this my introduction!

Let me explain how I’ll be doing this.

Every Monday, I will be discussing a topic within the realms of personal success, relationships, mental wellness, and emotional wholeness as a means to give forth information to those who might be pissing their pants in these fundamental areas of their lives. Along with this, I’ll also be answering a handful of questions from readers that are related to the topic of said week (pff, organization, right?). At the end of each post, I’ll be giving a small hint at what subject will be discussed the following week so that readers can compile questions that follow suit.

I want to make myself very clear; All of the outrageous, golden crap I’ll be defecating straight into your eyes will be entirely given from my own perspective and logic. By no means do you have to agree with a damn thing that I say and it is completely acceptable to do so. I’m not here to make you feel like you have to listen to me, nor am I here to make you give a shit about where you are in your life. I only aim to help those who want another path in figuring it all out themselves. If I make anyone feel that my perspective is the pinnacle of topic advisory, then I have failed in doing what I aim to do and I hope y’all remember this as we continue forward.

With this said, let’s start with a quick rundown of what I like to call “The Four Pillars Of Wellness”. These are four gaps that I firmly believe every person needs to fill in order for them to feel fulfilled enough to live comfortably with their emotions. These four pillars are Health, Wealth, Love and Happiness. This is extremely broad and can be a bit confusing, so let’s explain this banter in a more practical way.

Health:

Let’s be real here, if you’re not happy with who you are physically, you’re never gonna be happy with who you are emotionally. Your emotions are in your mind and your mind is in your body. If your body is a beaten up junker driving amongst brand new Mercedes-Benz CLK 500’s, you’re gonna feel like a lame ass and that’s not our goal here. Don’t confuse this though! You don’t have to have some Chad/Becky turbo bod in order for you to overcome the obstacles in your life, but you really gotta put your body to use. Thankfully, healthiness is arguably subjective. For example; Your’s truly here is a lovely 270 pounds the week after Thanksgiving. However, I also took up self defense, played rugby, football, wrestling, did some boxing, and later, picked up some mixed martial arts, and because of it all, I’m confident in being a “big boi” because I’m confident in my abilities, regardless of my size. Put your body to work because you only get one of them before your clock strikes. The journey can’t start until you start walking. Take this both figuratively and literally.

This also accounts for physical wellness internally. Being conscious of what you’re putting in your body really makes a difference in how you feel every day and how often you get sick. You won’t have the energy to keep your mind at peak focus if you’re dumping Taco Bell into your stomach day in and day out and trust me, I love me some Taco Bell. But decent home made meal is gonna get you far, kid.

If you don’t feel good, you wont care about the other sectors of your life. Think of all the times you were so terribly sick that you found yourself knotted into your bed sheets and the only thing you could think about was sleeping. It’s a normal human function for us to be so damn miserable that nothing else matters. Thankfully, you can make little decisions that make a big impact here. You don’t need to be perfect in this department, you just have to be do better than you are now.

Wealth:

Some of you might ask why Wealth is coming before the pillar of Love. I’m not gonna sit back and feed you some silly bullshit about how “love is so much more important than money and blah blah blah”. Read closely here because this is gonna hit you fast:

Money does not bring happiness. But the absence of money does bring unhappiness.

Want proof? One of the top three reasons for failed marriages? Financial problems. One of the top three reasons given for why people are stressed? Money. These are people in the world that have love, yet still have the pressure of the monetized world kicking their asses to the curb enough times to make them put love on the back burner. Unfortunately, we can’t do shit about the monetized world and we have to live with that. Get some damn money in your bank account. I’m not saying you have to be rolling around in hundred dollar bills in order to feel complete in your life, but if you’re stressing about money every single day of your life, how will you ever put your focus onto love and happiness?

Look into Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Abraham Maslow was a psychologist that wrote a theoretical paper titled “A Theory of Human Motivation”. In this particular segment of the piece, Maslow explain’s five needs that he believed motivates human behavior. They are Physiological, Safety, Love, Belonging, and Self-Actualization. We already touched on the physiological side of things, given that you already understand the necessity of food, water, and shelter. Which now leads us into that pretty little safety thing I was talking about earlier. You have to be considerate of what it takes to ensure your safety. You need a home. You need financial stability. If you’re freaking out every single time you get paid because you don’t know how you’re gonna take care of shit, you gotta make some changes. We’ll get to this topic at a later time.

Love:

This is a pretty self-explanatory pillar. Love breeds happiness and happiness reinforces love. Love shamelessly and love really fucking hard every chance that you get. Most of all, don’t be afraid to admit your love, no matter how small or big.

Happiness:

The ultimate goal. I could write a three piece novel on this fucking beautiful pillar of life, so I’m just gonna sparkle segments of this bad boy into all of segments we talk ab out going forward.

The Four Pillars of Wellness are the objective at the end of the day. The killer part about this objective is that it never ends and we all have to maintain the pillars every day or the foundation will crumble. To sort of sign off for this week; I’m here to help you figure out how to vision our goal, build the foundation, use tools to create something amazing, maintain the pillars, and make this metaphorical precedent a way of life for you. It’s going to be a hard path to trek and there’s going to be a lot of information and realization that’s going to come along the way. I’m gonna do the absolute best I can to help you move away from a life you can’t fucking stand and become something greater than you thought you deserved, something more than you thought you could be. Again, I don’t have all of the answers and I’m still on this journey, myself. But I want to put forth the energy and effort that so many were willing to pay forth to me. We’re in this for the long haul an d we’re gonna face this shit together.

This journey has to begin with preparation though. So next week, we’ll be talking about the importance of admitting that you’re completely fucking lost and how to begin transitioning a fixed (shithead) mindset towards becoming a growth (winner) mindset. Please, if you have any questions you’d like to be discussed, note it directly to me (Zero) so I know it’s correlated to this section of Illusory or go directly to my personal ask box (OracleZero).

Thanks again, guys

- Z

#writing #coping #help #mental health #personal #well being #growth #mindset #succeed #fulfillment #journey

Volatile

It’s weighing on me now. The lull between sentences. Pulling me quicker, I can feel it now. My words, Blowing away like leaves, To meet the dust on the ground. Two hands, Coated in skin, Weathering with the time, as it shifts around me, with the seasons, I burn holes in these pages, with twin matchsticks, The ash of all I am, meeting the wind. I’m a hermit, with a wanderer’s heart. My flesh knows untold stories, colored over with permanent ink, to hide the shame of all i’ve known, a warrior, in a peasant gown.

- K.B.D.

#poem #poetry #poets on tumblr #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #spilled words #writing #poems on tumblr

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