“Big Little Lies 2: Bigger and Littler” by Maria Wojciechowski
(with Big Little Lies 1 spoilers sorry!)
Madeline, Jane and Celeste are at the seaside cafe drinking coffee. Tom, the owner, approaches them.
TOM Can I get you ladies anything?
MADELINE A good therapist
Everyone laughs. Tom, just a short pleasant laugh, but the women laugh a little too long before realizing that they all DO need good therapists. The women stare off into the distance.
TOM You want, like, more coffee?
Madeline and Celeste break their stares. Jane is still gazing off.
MADELINE You know me so well. We’ll have three coffees. (To Jane) We’re regulars here.
CELESTE Jane! Are you ok?!
Jane’s gaze breaks. She is suddenly holding a handgun.
JANE What? (Noticing the gun) Oh, yeah. Sorry, that happens sometimes.
Jane puts her gun away.
TOM I’ll be right back with three cups of coffee.
Tom winks at Jane and exits.
MADELINE So anyway, like I was saying, I’m so excited about the new play we are putting on. It’s very experimental. CATS!, but with real cats. PETA is already trying to shut us down. Luckily I have the best lawyer.
CELESTE Stop. I know. I’m surprisingly good.
JANE What’s that accent you have?
MADELINE Shh. No one talks about that.
Tom reenters and hands the women some coffee. Jane falls back into a daze.
TOM Would you ladies like anything to eat?
MADELINE Food please.
TOM Great! Three foods?
MADELINE Yep!
CELESTE Oh my God! Jane!
Jane is now holding a machine gun.
JANE (coming back to) What?
CELESTE You’re holding a machine gun.
JANE I am? Oh whoops. Sorry about that.
TOM I’ll be right back with three plates of food! (To Jane) You look so great today, Jane.
JANE Yeah, ok.
Jane puts away her machine gun. Tom exits.
MADELINE So anyway, CATS! It’s going to be--
Cool indy music starts to play.
MADELINE Chloe! Turn that music down!
Chloe enters holding an iPhone.
CHLOE What’s that woman?
MADELINE How do you even have control of the music at the cafe?
Tom enters.
TOM Sorry, that’s me.
CELESTE JANE!
Jane is now wearing a vest with a bomb strapped to it.
JANE Sorry!!! Sorry!!!
Jane takes off the bomb vest and puts it away. Tom hands out the food.
TOM I’m sexually attracted to you, Jane.
Tom exits. Jane stares off into space.
MADELINE Tom’s so great. It’s a shame he’s gay. Anyway, so our hearing with the President of PETA is on Tuesday and Celeste-- Celeste?
Celeste is crying
MADELINE Oh Celeste, why are you crying?
CELESTE I don’t know!
MADELINE Jane! Oh my God!
Jane is now wearing a mustard gas mask and is holding a grenade and a missile. The indy music gets louder.
MADELINE Chloe! I said turn the music off!
CHLOE Fine, woman. But only after you guys dance to The Temptations.
MADELINE How do you even know that band?
CHLOE I was Motown executive Berry Gordy Jr in a past life.
MADELINE He’s still alive.
CHLOE How do you know that, woman?
MADELINE I know things.
Renata enters
RENATA Oh if you know sooooo much then tell us who is biting Amabella?
MADELINE Oh go back to work, Renata.
RENATA Make me.
Suddenly Jane shoots Renata.
RENATA OW! My eye! You shot me in the fucking eye!
JANE Oh my God, I’m so sorry!
RENATA I’m going to fucking kill you!
Bonnie enters.
BONNIE If ANYONE is going to kill anyone, it’s going to be me by way of involuntary manslaughter.
The women laugh.
ALL OH BONNIE.