[ilovemymendes]

[ilovemymendes]

Spell your name, spell your goal, spell your motivation, SPELL ANYTHING AND DO IT!!!

[ilovemymendes]

Honestly I’m hurting right now.

[ilovemymendes]

My ex messaged me in snap the other day.. little back story a couple months ago he said he doesn’t like the idea of the whole talking as exes or being friends after a breakup and then unadded me which kind of broke my heart all over again cuz I did care about him dearly as a friend despite everything that happened but whatever.. So then he adds me back out of the blue and messages me I’m like whatttt thinking I miss read the notification or something ?? Well at this moment I happen to be really sick like on my bathroom floor dying and I can’t put up with any shit rn. He says “Hey I just wanna apologize I appreciate everything you’ve done/ did for me you are a good person and I appreciate you beyond belief” I say basically Umm after everything I don’t know what to think about that but have a good one. But then he carries on and saying he just wanted to see how I was doing and understands if I wanted nothing to do with him. I told him I wasn’t feeling well and if he actually wanted to talk to me he could the next day since I wasn’t feeling well enough. He then tells me how I still mean a lot to him and he hopes I get better and is ready to talk the next day... He then swiped up on my story cuz I had posted how I wasn’t feeling well and asked if anyone basically had any tips to not feel so shitty. He gave me some advice asked me exactly what was wrong told me other things to try.. I thanked him told him I appreciated it. He at some point told me that I was genuinely beautiful then tried to ask me how I was besides being sick and I told him once again I appreciate what he has said so far but I couldn’t focus on anything else rn since once again I wasn’t feeling well and had said goodnight. Then the next day I’m prompted him asked him if he wanted to talk now he said sure then I told him he should start the talking considering he messaged me rather out of the blue he seemed like he had a reason for messaging me then he basically takes back everything he said the previous day and said he was was drunk has no clue why he would ever message me and then unadded me again... wtfff was that all about??? Like okay first of all I was really dying and having trouble processing what was going on but even more I’m like what?? Plus okay listen it was barely a conversation but he was nice and just to take all those nice things back it hurt.. I knew something was probably off since he was talking to me in the first place but like I said I wasn’t really processing anything. You know how easy it would’ve been jsut ot idk not do that.. :/ it’s like he goes off nothing changed for him but for me he basically kicked me when I was already down. I just don’t get it. I never expected him to message me considering he was the one who unfriended me in the first place I just left it alone. But there has just been so much I have been working through since him and just to have this bring it all up it kind of sucked. And like I know he said he was drunk but how intoxicated could he have really been everything he was saying was making sense and like I’ve talked to him drunk before and honestly it just didn’t seem like it but obviously who knows but I don’t understand like he would’ve have to full on search up my snap name and readd me ? Thoughts?? I mean I just writing this as more of an outlet and to process it I’m not going to over obsess on this or anything but if anyone wants to share thoughts I won’t stop you..

[ilovemymendes]

Well would you look at that, I really wanna fucking die.

[destroymylife]

[vicariouswaves]

[ilovemymendes]

I’m sad again. Is anyone surprised?

[ilovemymendes]

I started typing everything I was feeling and I just had to stop because like FUCK I just can’t do this anymore.

[ilovemymendes]

There is part of me that wants to go off and be like what are we? Sometimes we are friends, sometimes more than that and sometimes strangers. It’s fucking frustrating. The other part of me is too scared to lose it all.

[ilovemymendes]

I tried to convince myself I was better. That’s just simply not the case. I’m a fucking disaster.

[ilovemymendes]

Imagine this.

Being hopelessly in love with someone who doesn’t love you back. Having unhealthy habits with them that just draws you in closer even though you are truly so far away. All you want to do I yell I love you right to their face. Say I love you and I know you love me so please don’t fight it we can work out the kinks along the way. Just please come back to me. Although the fear of loosing them is much to great. So you continue being the world’s best friend knowing everything about them sometimes knowing what they want before they do. Just do everything you can to make them happy because you try to fulfill your love that way. You know when to back off you know when you can get away with drawing yourself closer. You plant seeds that just scream out it’s me I’m the one I’m right here in front of you! I don’t care what we’ve been through I’m still here and you’re still here that has to mean something. I tried to get away and I couldn’t I love hearing you laugh, I love making you smile, I love hearing everything about your days, I love seeing your quirks, just you I love you. I know we can’t be. So yeah friends. Just friends. I know. I know you overlook everything I do. I know you don’t think twice. I know you lie to yourself; say that you’re over me. Yet, I’m still here. I know you will move on. I know. I know I will watch and tear myself apart because I can’t stand loosing you. If I can see you happy that’s enough for me. Or so I tell myself through these torturous times. I know when you see me you are happy. I know so many things I do make you happy. I know what your different smiles mean. I know crave seeing that perfect smile that’s how I know everything’s right. I also I know you are scared to love me. I know there are too many moving pieces. I know you are confused. Yet whenever you admit that you love me to yourself you pull away and tell yourself a reason to stay away. So I keep my distance. Longing for you to love me. I tear myself apart for someone who doesn’t love me back. Why? Why do I do that? Why is it if you come calling I’m there? Why do I crave? There are so many questions I ponder. I drive myself absolutely insane going through these thoughts. Yet, still I’m here waiting to be loved. Imagine that.

[ilovemymendes]

FUCK

[ilovemymendes]

It was foolish to think I could get better.

[ilovemymendes]

Trapped in a cycle of self destruction.

[ilovemymendes]

I feel as if I’m in a pool of nothingness.

[ilovemymendes]

Agreeing to plans you know you won’t be there to attend.