chloè jean

'we may not have it all together; but together we have it all'

[moan-s]

[eibmozotco]

[iloveyoghurtsometimesmaybe]

|| L O S T ||

So this year has been one of the worst years of my life. But it only really started affecting me at the start of September. I lost my job for one. But as the month went on I began to lose everything else. I realised that I had lost who I was along time ago and turned into someone i can’t even look at in a mirror. I crave so badly to just be the person I used to be but too much has happened and I can’t go back, I just need to try and become the best version of the new me. I’ve hurt people I care about more than anything in this world. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as low as I do at this point in my life. I’m just incredibly depressed and can’t see any reason to carry on anymore. All I do is cause hurt to the people around me and I don’t want to do that anymore. I recently hurt my best friend, the only person who has always gone out of his way to do anything for me. The only person who when everyone else could make me feel shitty, he’d make me happy. I hurt him badly, because I did not show him how much I truly value him. And it’s killing me inside because I don’t understand how I can feel the way I do right now and not have expressed it enough that he cannot see how much I value him. We haven’t spoken or seen each other properly in a week and I feel like I’ve lost a part of me. I’m terrified he’ll become accustomed to life without me and see how easy it is and never want me back in his again like everyone else realises. All I’ve done is sob and I feel like my whole world is crashing down on me. We all need to start showing people just how much we care about them and value them because you never know how another person is feeling. I was too ignorant to see my bestfriend was unhappy, to self involved to really listen to him and to naive to think the way I was carrying on would keep my friends in my life. I don’t feel like this pain will ever go away.

I just want my best friend back.

[nottrashyjusttrash]

[moan-s]

[moan-s]

[frequents]

[seventh-story-nobody]

She’s the kind of girl a guy meets when he’s too young, and he fucks up because there’s too much living to do. But later he realizes she’s perfect.

Californication (via bl-ossomed)

[nissrin-selina]

[moan-s]

[moan-s]

[moan-s]

[moan-s]

[thegoodvybe]

[drinkt0forget-deactivated202303]

I tried to live, and even for awhile I liked it. Which was weird considering I have been mentally ill as long as I can remember. And it’s weird because i’ve gotten better in ways, and way worse in others. But I have this heart and it’s so big. It contains everyone I have ever loved, and let me tell you, I don’t think I ever stop. And the ones I love, they never seem to love me. in fact, I have taken so much abuse in my life, it’s crazy. How can one survive after so much trauma over and over, but I have. I cried for years and I think I learned how to hate myself so early in life after my father showed me so many reasons to. But I finally, finally think I got mostly over it. mostly. And then I met a boy, and I messed it up because my father put these thoughts in my head. Boys are cruel and they’ll cheat and leave you every chance they get. That’s what I thought. But eventually, he did. having me, but always trying for better. And I wasn’t sure why, but he treated all these girls better. And what was so wrong with me that I let him? i’m not sure. and I wanna get high, I wanna sleep, I wanna do anything that gets him out of my head… but he doesn’t leave. I have nightmares about him. That he’s leaving and all I can do is sit and watch. It’s the most painful thing. It’s worse than dreaming about monsters and dying. hell, I am dying when I have those nightmares. And I wake up even more exhausted than before, and I wake up crying, and I can’t stop. I obsess over it. When i’m awake, i’m constantly checking him social media making sure he hasn’t posted about someone else. Making sure he isn’t leaving. I’m constantly fighting myself from messaging him. I’ve never been so tired. But I cannot just blame him; it is me. Whoever i’m with, I worry and worry. I jump to conclusions and I get depressed about myself and I can’t stand it. My moods switch constantly. and the worst thing, I cannot feel loved at all. ever. I am so exhausted.

[drinkt0forget-deactivated202303]

I have this weird mentally ill thing that i’ll say something or think something and if I don’t knock on wood immediately i’ll freak the fuck out because I think I jinxed myself and now it’s gonna happen

[jazzetpoesie]