Lilac Vulpēs

TCC. Dedicated to J, the English teacher. Pansexual.

[understands]

[iluvusobad]

I have a little crush on a guy in class and I think maybe he feels the same way about me.

[webcomicname]

[die-rosastrasse]

François Martin-Kavel  (French, 1861-1931)

Alexander Roslin (Swedish, 1718-1793)

[iluvusobad]

Birthday Gift from J

First of all, I want you guys to know that we didn’t befriend each other on Facebook ‘cause I was still his student when I mentioned that I found his Facebook account and I didn’t do it afterwards either; however, I still check his public posts from time to time. Yesterday, I went checked his wall as usual and I found a post DEDICATED TO ME, and it’s about a painting he made for me (he sucks at painting tho), and it took him a month. He also said that I was the person he loved the most in this world and how he’s loved me unconditionally since I taught him how to love people. I think I kinda spoiled this surprise, for he thought I wouldn’t see his posts, but I think when I get the painting and the little card he made I’ll still cry like a baby.

[gnossienne]

Curiosa (2019), dir. Lou Jeunet

[iluvusobad]

“I'm with you. No matter what else you have in your head I'm with you and I love you.”

— Ernest Hemingway

[understands]

[knowing]

[iluvusobad]

Grow

I don’t think I’m relying on J as much as I used to, which makes me quite happy. Don’t get me wrong, I still love him, very much, not any less, and I know he still loves me with all his heart since he asked whether I wanna visit Hawaii with him next year. It’s just that I’m growing up. I’m being even more independent and I’m trying to be a better version of myself. I’m not sad that often and I don’t cry that much anymore. I’m trying to be comfortable when being me and embrace myself as who I am.

[heavenlybadkitten]

Daddy’s dirty kitten ✨

[iluvusobad]

Rehearsal

Today our class was rehearsing a performance that we’re gonna present tomorrow and there’s this guy, let’s call him C, saw me being upset in the morning. At noon he just came straight up to me and told me that he was sorry and I was super clueless because he had nothing to be blamed on! Earlier when we were at the basement he sat next to me when there were many seats elsewhere and just kept staring at me. In the afternoon I was practicing a play and the staff didn’t know who he was so I drew him on a piece of paper and he absolutely loved it when I show him haha. He’s pretty cute.

[tc-chaos-blog]

I wonder

I wonder how many times you’ve accidentally thought of me in a way you shouldn’t.

I wonder how many times you were going to say something, but stopped and lost your chance.

I wonder how many times you were about to send that email and was too scared to hit send.

I wonder how many times you’ve caught me staring and how many times you’ve caught yourself staring back.

I wonder how many times you’ve perked up when other teachers say my name.

I wonder how many times you’ve dreamed about me.

I wonder how we can get to close together and you have the same look that’s in my eyes.

I wonder if you think of me the same, but will never act on it.

Do you?

You make me wonder.

[iluvusobad]

Hyperventilation

Last Friday when I was baking muffins with my friends to celebrate the legalization of same-sex marriage, my limbs went numb for about half an hour but I thought it would go away anytime soon so I didn’t pay much attention to it. This Monday during PE class, we stayed in the classroom since it was raining and I felt the air was so humid and hot that I could barely breathe, seconds later I fists were clenched and I couldn’t even control them. I was so shocked that I kept crying, which made the situation even worse. Thinking it was just something that happened once in a blue moon. I didn’t plan to go have it checked...until on Tuesday, it happened again in Mandarin class. I burst into crying and rushed outta the classroom in the hope that no one had seen me crying. Nothing happened on Wednesday though. But the worst was today. It’s happened like ten times today within five hours. I kept crying my ass off and everything went outta control. I felt like shit. I didn’t want my parents to know about this but the teachers called my parents and asked them to take me home. Great. Now that know about this. Anyway, I’m having it checked tomorrow by myself and I’m so nervous. I hope things go well. I suspect I’ve got anxiety.

J insisted that I get it checked. I’m worried about him too since he said he was suffering as well. It’s so frustrating that there’s nothing I can do to help him.

[almadeazucar-deactivated2019031]

“you have nice hands” means finger me like that’s it

[my-teacher-my-obsession]

I get so much satisfaction from older men finding me attractive

[honesttiago]

my tc: *is sad*

me, jolting awake at 3AM, drenched in sweat: something is wrong