Why Not?

Just a vent page to work through repressed feelings 🙃

[im-here-but-not-really]

At what cost?

What happened to our precious world

Where trees are stone and rivers run black

Where clouds are made and fire spreads

More often than a lightnings strike

The air is foul and the sky is crying

But her tears will fall on hardened ground

The mother tries to feed her children

But finds her resources in short supply

Her body is poisoned, weakened, and broken

And yet progress demands she is not done yet

The mountains are hallow, they will be flattened

The trees are all gone, they will build cities

The water is unfit, they will raise plantations

The earth, it is dying, so what will they do?

[im-here-but-not-really]

Roses

I hold in my hand a bouquet of roses

From names in my past whom are long since forgotten

They do not wither, for glass they are made from

Lifeless and fake, mocking what could have been

Like shadows they linger, unseen unless looked at

Scoring me with words that I cannot take back

[im-here-but-not-really]

Paper Machete

I cover my face with time and practice

Gluing the paper until it fits just right

With skill I angle all the features

Lifted brows and perfect smile

I cover my face with time and practice

Until nothing shows from underneath

With skill I draw the final details

So that happiness is all you see

I cover my face with time and practice

Each day I chose a different mask

With skill I change them when I need to

So you only see what I want you to

[im-here-but-not-really]

A Wilted Flower

An ode to my late grandmother

I love you Nanny

Your scent was sweet

refreshing and familiar

Your colors were vibrant and full

You shone in the sun

Reflecting the light

You were beautiful

And strong

No wind could break your base

No rain could beat you down

No heat could scorch your precious beauty

But you were not invincible

Time

the silent weed that took you from me

I watched your light as it dimmed

I watched as your color dulled

I watched as it poisoned you from the inside

I watched

I did nothing

I should have committed more time to you

I should have cared more for you

I should have taken better care of you

I should have loved you more

But I ran out of time

Now your sweetness is memory

Your vibrancy is a picture

Your light is motivation

And your strength is a reminder

But my memories are fading

And all I see is brown

Darkness has cast its shadow

And here I am

Weak

I watched

I hesitated

Time did not

Now I’m left with a wilted flower

[im-here-but-not-really]

I’m sorry I can’t be the person you want. Your love is too heavy for me to carry.

[im-here-but-not-really]

One day I will love you

I will love the hard expression you wear

I will love the sturdy build

I will love the monotone voice

I will love the roundness of your face

I will love the rolling hill of your torso

I will love the size of your thighs

I will love the stories on your skin

I will love you in your entirety…but

I am still learning to love

[im-here-but-not-really]

These words I wish to say

They turn my tongue to heavy lead

They form a noose around my neck

They weigh a ton upon chest

They form as tears within my eyes

They seize my muscles with aching cramps

They squeeze my lungs with fearsome pressure

They flood my brain with screaming pleas

They close my lips with deadly practice

These words I wish to say

[im-here-but-not-really]

You were a cup that I kept filling

I’d pour my heart into you with as much love as I could muster

I’d pour my mind into you trying to help you overcome your own problems

I’d pour my souls into you trying help you be the best possible version of yourself

I didn’t realize that in pouring into you, I left nothing for myself

In giving you all the love I possessed, I hated myself

In anticipating your needs and wants, I neglected myself

In helping you find your future, I limited my own

I do not regret pouring into you, I hoped it helps, but now I sit waiting for someone to pour into me like I did you. Except I will pour back.

[im-here-but-not-really]

One day I will forget…

…Your scent

…The way your hands caressed my face

How they wiped away my tears

…the feeling of being in your arms

How I felt safe in them

…the sound of your voice

How it my name sounded on your lips

…your love

And how I lost it

But until then — until I forget — I will be haunted by your memory

[im-here-but-not-really]

I live in a forest where the trees are metal

The metal trees have their metal roots

The metal roots are filled with dirty water

That dirty water courses through stone earth

On the stone earth is a rainbow river

The rainbow river is is made of light

The light is split it two, one half yellow the other red

From the river comes the clouds, and despite there not being any rain they are always grey

I look at the grey clouds as they float over this forest of metal, stone, and light

And I wonder where it all went wrong

[im-here-but-not-really]

Savoring The Drink pt. 2 Remember The Chaser

Once again I lay here, restless and weary

Glass after glass gets shoved in my hand

I drink them eagerly know what lies in wait for me

Something clear and refreshing

Something to ease my mind from the monotony of my drunken stupor

Once again I forget what Present has told me

Once again I forget to savor my drink

When will I learn? I don’t think I will.

The tap is running dryer and dryer, and I am tipping the barrel

For what?

One glass of water

One glass of clarity that will ensure every future glass

One glass is all it will take so that I can rid myself of this stupor and pour my own drink

But what if it’s vinegar?

Something so alluring, promising that crisp clarity and yet when I take a drink it all goes sour

My senses are gone and I don’t know what I’m drinking anymore

I urge Future to pour another drink so that I may taste something familiar, something better but all I taste is vinegar

I feel a hand on my shoulder

I turn around

There’s stands Past with her arm stretch out to me

In it, a familiar jar filled with honey

I dip my finger in the sweet nectar and touch it to my tongue

I remember this taste, and how it takes away the vinegar

This is not my first glass of vinegar, and it won’t be my last

I turn back to Future and he thrusts another glass into my hand

I bring it to my lips, weary of its contents

To my relief it’s water

I am at peace

[im-here-but-not-really]

It hurts a little knowing that…

you were the right person

it was the wrong time

we made each other better

That we’re just friends now

But more than anything

It hurts a little knowing that

A part of me will always still love you

[im-here-but-not-really]

How dare the person who made me so happy, be the same person to make me cry so much

[im-here-but-not-really]

Quotes of the night

“Too much connection to be just friends, too many problems to be in a relationship and too many memories to simply forget what we were”

“When you’re having an I need my boyfriend money but he’s not your boyfriend anymore”

“Realizing if I keep talking to them I’ll just be in a never ending cycle, but if I stop I’ll lose my favorite person.”

“I don’t think you meant to hurt me, cause I don’t think it meant a thing at all.”

[im-here-but-not-really]

Midnight Madness pt. 9 A mutual breakup (12:46)

You don’t make it easy

But you tired your best

It was mutual, our decision

But it still hurts nonetheless

My brain is at peace

And my souls is content

Half my heart want to move on

And the other half won’t relent

[im-here-but-not-really]

Midnight Madness pt. 8

At some point after all that (12:49)

At some point you just go to bed with your clothes on because you're too tired

After not eating enough

After not drinking enough

After not getting enough sleep

After throwing up because you tired to eat

After crying to sad songs

After having a screaming match with the ocean

After crossing town while hallucinating that there's someone following you

After trying to stay quiet to not wake up your roommate because it's past midnight

After all of that, at some point you just go to bed with your clothes still on.

[im-here-but-not-really]

Midnight madness pt. 7 Fine Line (12:36 am)

I stand on the shore, between sand and water

That fine silver line lapping at my feet

I watch as waves crest and collapses as salt collets on my face and trickles down my cheek

I hear a rush in my ears as I see birds gliding on that coastal wind

As that silver line slips away, the hardened sand catches me as I fall

I don’t feel the pain in my knees as I strike the sand, knuckle against grain

After I tire, I look up and feel the wind caress my face, drying my tears, and ushering me in land

I stand up, salt burning my eyes, hair trussed from the wind, and knuckles bruised from the sand

I know I will return, and I will keep returning

Until one day the salt on my face is from the ocean and not my tears

Until one day the rush in my ears is from the wind and not the sound of my voice screaming to the waves

Until one day the line that I stand on isn’t so fine